Hey! Have you tweeted today yet? (If you don’t know what this is about, please to clicky here!)

Follow @LivitLuvit, my favorite contestant in the @MTVTJ search for MTV’s first Twitter Jockey! #zyncmtvtj

(Feel free to modify, the above suggestion is just for your copy & paste convenience. Cause I’m good like that.)

And now back to our regular programming…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Growing up, I spent my high school years working in a TGI Friday’s in Suburbia, Massachusetts.

I am a complete an utter cornball, but… they were some of the best years of my life.

The friends I made while working there are the ones I see when I go back home. They’re the ones I call when life falls to pieces around me, or when something so amazing happens I have to share it with the world (cough cough MTV cough). Being older than I, they taught me about the facts of life in ALL capacities, and more importantly, snuck me into bars underage watched over me like big brothers and sisters.

There is quite literally NOTHING like working in a restaurant. The, ahem, environment there is unlike any place on earth. You know that movie “Waiting“? … Let’s just say it’s like that, times a thousand.

(And if you haven’t seen it, please people, take this very, very important message away…

Don’t fuck with the people who handle your food!!!!!!!!!!)

Anyhoo.

You BOND with these people in a way you never knew was possible. I imagine it’s kind of like going to war. A very pussified war, to be sure, but you know what I mean… you’re in it together, no matter what the jagoffs (be it customer, manager or cook) throw your way.

And how do you get through it, day after day? JOKES. Jokes, my friend… with a healthy dose of (friendly) sexual harrassment.

One of our running themes was the theory of The Three Types of Dude. It goes like this…

The overall personality of a guy falls into one of three categories:

1. Panache: a grand or strikingly bold manner; showy; conspicuously dashing.
2. Mojo: charisma; sex appeal; personal magnetism.
3. Je ne sais quoi: having that certain “I don’t know what”… but damn if it ain’t good.

Now, a guy can certainly overlap a bit. He can be “mostly mojo, with just a hint of panache,” or “je ne sais quoi, with a streak of mojo.” But in general, nearly every (sexy) man on the planet can be clearly identified as predominantly having one of the three characteristics.

Let me show you it.

Josh Holloway

Mojo. Pure, unadulterated mojo. I think this is true of most hot Southern boys…

Ryan Reynolds

Super panache. Panache coming out his pores. Panache for DAYS.

Will Smith

An unlikely half and half mix of panache and mojo.
Oh, how our Fresh Prince has grown!

Don Dra- I mean, John Hamm

A purebred of je ne sais quoi. He needs nothing else to get the job done.
(The job being our panties = creamed.)

Alexander Skarsgard

Mojo, mojo, and more mojo. Pure goddamn MOJO… with a sneaky hint of panache when he wants to throw it in there.
(Tyra must have taught him how to smile with his eyes.)

Taye Diggs

Mojo with a side dish of je ne sais quoi.
How can you be that sexy AND that sweet??

Brad Pitt

Panache… with a very healthy dose of mojo. Wink for us, baby.

The Cloon

Oh, George. You are truly the ultimate in je ne sais quoi, but truth be told…
you have it all.

Sigh. Well, I just made MY Thursday better, anyway.

Who am I missing, and what would they be?

Also, gentleman: I challenge you to come up with a similar system for the ladies. Would it just be “cute, sexy, pretty”? You can do better than that…

Update! My friend Emil has risen to the challenge… what do you think, ladies?? Did he get us?

Raise your hand if you’re going to Chipotle for lunch after watching this…

Happy Friday, bumpkins!

A man walks into a pharmacy, and wanders up and down the aisles.

A sales girl notices him and asks if she can help him.

He replies that he’s looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

So, she directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he arrives in the checkout line, and deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?”

And he answers, “You see, it’s like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it’s soooooooooo much cheaper.

“So, I figure if I have to roll my own………..

“So does she.”

Last week, B and I had drinks with a couple of friends from his hometown. We always have a good time with them, but this outing was particularly lovely, because they bestowed upon me the greatest idea anyone has ever had in The History of Ever.

“If we get married,” they told us, “We’re going to register at…

“SKY MALL.”

Ohnoyoudidn’t.

People, answer me true. Is this not pure, unadulterated GENIUS? Every time I’m on an airplane, I spend an hour or so looking through this goddamn ridiculous magazine, and by the time I reach the end, I’ve spent approximately $56,391 in my head.

And here’s why.

Head Spa Massager ($50)

 I’ve always thought I’d make a great cylon.

Original Backnobber II

 I would totally get this for B to solve yesterday’s dilemma… if only it didn’t so closely resemble an anal probe.

Camo Mini Binoculars ($25)

 They’re camo! And mini! All the fun of Jurassic Park without any of the Jeff Goldblum stutter!

Wrist Cell Phone Carrier ($30)

 As someone who is convinced she’s lost her Blackberry 98.7% of the time… I might actually need this. It’s the cell phone equivalent of putting your kid on a leash.

Big Foot Garden Yeti Sculpture ($100)

 I don’t think any words are necessary here. (If they are, we probably can’t be friends.)

Jumpin Jammerz – Polar Fleece Footed Pajamas ($65)

 Creepiest. Slumber party. EVER.

Stainless Steel Wallet ($90)

 Free with any purchase of nunchucks from Chuck Norris R’Us.

Cat Toilet Training System ($59)

With a name like “Litter Kwitter,” this just can’t lose.

Seriously, guys. Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t want every last thing here.

YOU CAN’T DO IT!!!!!!

So, eventually, when I do get hitched, you better believe I’ll be registering at Sky Mall…

Because I’m klassy like that.

I woke up yesterday morning to an SOS message in my inbox.

“Dear Lilu…aka Karaoke Queen….

I have NEVER been….

I have been invited to go….

March 13….

Would you consider writing a blog post on HOW TO KARAOKE?

I mean seriously….how many drinks are involved?

Do you pick a song based on ease of lyrics or personal love?

I am intrigued and terrified at the same time.”

~ Donna

Well, Donna. Given that I know a little something about unabashedly crooning for strangers, particularly in seedy bars, how could I not help a sister out?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Rules to PWNing Karaoke

First things first. You want to get there early and snag a table with an excellent view of the humiliations- I mean, performances. Choose a place that serves ginormous beers on the cheap so you don’t miss having your name called by the DJ while ordering a beverage. You should occasionally have someone bring a round of shots by to lube the wind pipes your dignity.

Drink heavily and with purpose. You need to be bordering on sloppy drunk but perform justbefore going over the edge. Timing is of the essence here, people.

Now, the venue. It’s preferable if the place is extra shady; things like poor lighting and the stunted walls of an acoustically-challenged basement can only help you here, folks.

Next, you’re going to need a group of friends to share the pathetic experience with you. More is better because it increases the chances of anyone remembering anything. Less is better because it decreases the chances of anyone remembering anything. Either way, you should definitely choose them from the “Will Have to Love You Anyway” pile.

Now it’s song choice time. There are a few basic rules to this:

1. Make sure you know either 50% of the words or 100% of the beat. Make SURE. Just because you rocked City High’s “What Would You Do” in high school doesn’t mean you can do it now, friend. Trust.

2. Choose a song the whole bar will want to sing. Unless you’ve actually got serious skills, class participation is key to making everyone forget that you probably kind of blow at this. Also? Nothing downer, unless it’s hilarious, like All 4 One’s “I Swear.” No one wants to hear you wail out to T.L.C.’s ”Waterfall” or, God forbid, Oasis’ “Wonderwall.” Save that for the car. (Not applicable when driving in Southeast D.C.)

3. DO NOT choose one of the most cliché karaoke songs ever. It makes the bartender groan because you are now that person that put on “Friends in Low Places” or ”Don’t Stop Believin’” for the eleventy millionth time . I don’t care if it reminds you of college and a time when you didn’t know what IBS was. Do not be That Guy/Girl.

(…Let someone else do it. Because I guarantee they will, and then you get to sing it anyway. God, I love those songs.)

Once you take the stage, which should be earlier on the night (you don’t want to have to follow anything awesome- you want to BE the awesome!)… anyhoo, you’re going to want to have a set of decent and/or ridiculous but wholly entertaining dance moves at your disposal. These will be helpful during musical interludes, places where you flat out forget lines or totally lose the beat, or to dodge items should they start, um… coming your way. (Remember the five D’s: dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge!)

There’s really only one word you need to know to give a unique and memorable karaoke performance:

COMMITMENT.

Don’t half-ass it, folks. If you suck, suck royally. If you dance, dance your heart out. If you don’t know the words, sing louder. OWN your time on that stage. Own it hard.

Whether you like it or not, friend, you’re putting on a show. You might as well make it epic… for better or for worse.

***Update!

Addendum: When coming to the grandiose finish of your performance, no matter WHAT song you’re singing, you must thrust your arms in the air in a “V for Victory!” fashion and shout, “KNIBB HIGH FOOTBALL RULES!!!!!!!!!!”

That is all.***

***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

Steal this button and put it in your post just by copying and pasting the html code in the box below, or just link back to the hub with this link, so your readers can read ALLLLLLL the TMI glory, and I’ll make sure to link to you.***

<a href=”http://www.livitluvit.com/category/tmi-thursday” mce_href=”http://www.livitluvit.com/category/tmi-thursday” target=”_blank”><img src=”http://i556.photobucket.com/albums/ss5/Livitluvit/tmithursday.jpg” mce_src=”http://i556.photobucket.com/albums/ss5/Livitluvit/tmithursday.jpg” border=”0″ alt=”TMI Thursday” /></a>

Now get ready, my darlings, for the ever popular, yet gravely feared, TMI THURSDAYS…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hey kiddos, unfortunately the “real job” is kicking my ass this week, and I’ll have to take a break from TMI Thursday myself today. But never fear, all of yours are linked so that we all get our Dose Of Gross today. Enjoy!

And don’t forget to come out tomorrow for Happy Hour!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Other awesomely bad TMIs this week…

miss*H’s TMI Thursday: The one where my hands got dirty….

Carissa Jade’s TMI Thursday: Everything comes down to poo (not mine)

FoggyDew’s TMI Thursday: Recess

Daffy’s Look Into My Porcelain Bowl

MJenks’ TMI Thursday: A Valentine’s Story

Kaydee’s TMI Thursday: Toys

That Kind of Girl’s TKOG Who sweats it out (moderately TMI Thursday)

Random Musings’ TMI Thursday: Happy Vomitine’s Day!!

Living Wicked’s TMIThursday: Daaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaad!

Coffeypot’s TMI Thursday – The Little Girl

P’s TMI THURSDAY: HOW TO REALLY ANNOY ME IN THE PUBLIC TOILET . . .

Jeff’s now boarding, flight to revolting

Adam L’s TMI Thursday: The Joys of Running Part I: Nip Guards

Beverly’s TMI Thursday: You got what where?!

Sebastian’s British pillow talk soundboard (starring me)

Shine’s TMI Thursday: Hey wow! We’re talking about your penis.

Cammy’s TMI Thursday: I Like Sex

Liz in Life’s TMI Thursday- Confessionals

verybadcat’s TMI Thursday: Grits

Travis’ TMI Thursday: My First Video TMI!

confessor69’s TMI Thursday: The Totally Unnecessary Recovery Update

Tricia’s TMIT: Am I Getting Too Personal?

Sharky’s No pooping allowed.

ClaireMontgomeryMD’s tmi thursday: those crazy kids

Cleveland Poet’s Is that a banana in your pocket or just TMI Thursday?

Lucy’s TMI Thursday: What was I thinking?

Dating is My Hobby’s TMI Thursday: non sequitur edition

Angie’s TMIT – The Tale of My 21st Birthday

Snafu’s TMI Thursdays: Karma’s a bitch

L’s TMI Thursday: Mexican + Coffe + Absinth = Bad Combo

Simply “T”s TMI Thursday: There’s A Reason Why I Blocked This Out Of My Memory

amber murphy’s TMI Thursday: in which I am too tired to hone in on one particular event

City Girl’s Oh crap!

Ms. Terri’s A TMI Thursday Limmerick

Vittoria’s TMIT: Gas bag

Barred Owl’s TMI Thursdays

…and then the amazingly talented Donald Glover had to go and do something like this. (Warning: Pretty effing offensive. Like, “definitely make sure your boss or wee children aren’t standing behind you” – offensive.)

THANK YOU, Community, not only for being the best new show on telelvision, not only for bringing together a group of actors with the BEST comedic timing I’ve seen in a long time… but for introducing me to Donald Glover and Danny Pudi, who I will now stalk until I get to see them do stand up.

And to brighten your Friday even MORE, y’all need to go check out my delightfully-twisted-and-hilarious friend moog’s new video. He saw that Nintendo was coming out with a new Wii game called “Bible Adventures”… and decided to take it upon himself to create what HE thinks their promotional video for it will be.

When I first watched it, I blinked a couple times, and then said this…

“Have a beer waiting for me when I meet you in Hell.”

Have a great weekend, folks. And get ready for snow, DC-ers!

…was, undoubtedly, the “Jersey Shore Drinking Game”.

Let me ’splain.

Perhaps you’ve been living under a rock and don’t know about MTV’s newest reality television abomination. I’ll forgive you if you’ve been too busy watching Always Sunny, as they are on at the same time, but believe me when I say that you MUST find a way to watch this absolute trainwreck of bright orange, over-gelled…

Well, honestly, I can’t even describe it. Let me just show you…

Apologies for the ad at the beginning… but it’s worth it.

Okay. So, all of us fabulous people are hanging out at the Holiday Happy Hour last Friday (unbelievably fabulous time, FYI- thanks so much to everyone for coming out!!!), when suddenly, the two magic words that can bring any group of people together instantaneously are mentioned…

JERSEY. SHORE.

Within seconds, we’re swapping our favorite most vomit-inducing moments, arguing over who’s the worst person in the house, and ribbing on brad for even BEING from Jersey. The shame.

And then, it happened. The magical words fell from Patrick’s mouth, one by one…

“We should create a Jersey Shore drinking game!”

Lightbulbs LIT-RALLY appeared over each one of our heads, and the insanity commenced as we all started yelling over one another. Out of the plethora of ideas, we eventually settled on this very thoughtful and decidedly offensive-but-still-less-offensive-than-the-show-itself list.

I give you…

The “Jersey Shore” Drinking Game

While watching the show, you must DRINK when…

1.  Any time one of them says OR does a “fist pump”

2.  Any time a girl proclaims her pride for being a true “guidette”

3.  Whenever Mike refers to himself as “The Situation”

4.  Any time a guy slathers 25% of a bottle of gel on his head

5.  Whenever the utter importance of “PROTEIN” is mentioned, or a protein shake is consumed

6.  Any time someone brags about their spray tan, goes spray tanning, or just looks so orange that you are forced to look away from the television

7.  Anytime Sammi talks about how sweet she is, or refers to herself as “Sammi Sweetheart”

8.  Whenever someone refers to cheating on a significant other back home

9.  Any time someone in the house accidentally calls Snookie “Snickers”

10. Any time Ronnie uses the phrase “pound out” in reference to a woman

11. Any time Mike expresses insane jealousy over the fact that Ronnie is pounding out Sammi instead of him

12. Any time someone gets in the jacuzzi naked

Oh, man… I cannot WAIT for Thursday.

Update: Oh. Em. GEE.

I just found this, and HAD to add it…

You are WELCOME.

This week, my work counterpart unexpectantly called out sick… for the ENTIRE WEEK. Needless to say, doing the work of two people has not made this my favorite five days. Even worse, I was supposed to be sitting at home today, painting my toenails and torturing my cats while I watched the premiere of Jersey Shore I taped last night. Alas, I am sitting at my desk, plotting different routes to cropdust the office just for revenge-y shits and giggles.

But my misfortune is your gain, lovers. Let me show you a few things that my sympathetic friends sent to me to make this no good very bad week better!

I have watched this approximately 1,000 times on repeat, and no, it doesn’t get any less cute. SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Snuggie meets the ShamWow! aka MAGIC SAUCE.

Yes, it’s bootleg… but it’s WORTH IT.

Oh, Cartman… when you’re on, you’re ON FIRE.

Happy Weekend, my dears!

***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

Steal this button and put it in your post just by copying and pasting the html code in the box below, or just link back to the hub with this link, so your readers can read ALLLLLLL the TMI glory, and I’ll make sure to link to you.***

<a href="http://www.livitluvit.com/category/tmi-thursday" target="_blank"><img src="http://i556.photobucket.com/albums/ss5/Livitluvit/tmithursday.jpg" border="0" alt="TMI Thursday" /></a>

Now get ready, my darlings, for the ever popular, yet gravely feared, TMI THURSDAYS…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hello hello, and welcome to the vomitousness of Thursday! Today, my own TMIT is actually over at That Kind of Girl’s place, and it involves me in a whole new light… a NEKKID light. So get thee to her pad to check it out.

BUT I shall not leave you empty handed over here. Warning to my mom and all straight dudes: You probably wanna skip this one.

Last weekend, my GBF Thomas and I were sipping on our $16 margaritas in the Village (I have no idea where we actually were… I just wanted to sound cool). We were catching up and swapping war stories, when he cracked the ultimate TMI egg of knowledge on my head.

So, back in LA, one of his friends, who we’ll call “George”, had recently split from his boyfriend. Being on the rebound, George was out on the town living it up, like any normal person. He was out at a bar with some friends, when a super hot guy approached and hit on him… hard.

So George is all, WTF, why not, right? So they head back to Super Hot Guy’s place, and are fooling around. George starts to… play around… in the back door of Super Hot Guy, when suddenly, he feels a SHARP PAIN on his finger… so he pulls it out, and it’s BLEEDING!!!

…Thanks to Super Hot Guy’s anal warts.

That were so big and hard (twss) they CUT his finger.

For the record? I didn’t even know anal warts EXISTED. So consider this your herpes PSA for the day.

And never say I’m not a giver.

Other awesomely bad TMITs this week…

Me! at That Kind of Girl’s place: Liv it, Luv it, Look at it naked: A TMI Thursday Guest Post from LiLu, the TMI Queen

moog’s Objects in the Rear View Mirror may be my Bare Ass

Maxie at Jill Pilgrim’s place: tmi thursday: you’ll never look at my hand the same way

shine’s I don’t want to hear it. Hell, I don’t even want to see it. But yes, I did it.

jenniferalaine’s tmi thursday: hotel sex and… parents?

DC Princess’ TMI Thursday: Call Me Wounded Butt

Sebastian’s Boys bouncing wet and naked, another teenage story

Spleen’s TMI Thursday: don’t ask me for advice.

mylittlebecky’s uh oh! hot dog! (tmit)

imgonnabreakyourheart’s a tame tmi thursday: word choice

Mb’s I need your help! You will be properly rewarded.

Carissa Jade’s TMI Thursday: The Legend of the Log (In Rhyme)

Daffy’s TMI Thursday – its Lame its Tame but its all I got

Tabitha’s TMI Thursday: The Time I Didn’t Take My Mother’s Advice.

Jaime’s TMI Thursday: My First Time

Hillbilly Duhn’s TMI Thursday – When kids ask too many questions

Lucy’s TMI:Thursday: We All Know What I Wanted To Hammer!

BigSis’ TMI Thursday: Deja Poo

M’s TMIT: Ur Virginity, I Takez It

Sean’s TMI Thursday: New Toilet Story

Jeff’s is that dirt? no it’s not

Antelope’s Everyone loves a good poop story

The Bare Essential’s Spoogie Stuffs

Tricia’s TMI Thursday: PMS’cuse Me

Big Mama Cass’ Go on, double click that mouse! TMI Thursday

miss. chief’s tmit – mexican toilet

Gladys’ Clowns You Be the Judge

Ed’s TMI Thursday: Amy G is back!

Insomniac Lolita’s TMI Thursday : Captain Commando

Ex Hot Girl’s TMI Thursday: I peed in my pants.

amber murphy’s Popping my TMI Thursday Cherry

Kelly’s TMI thursday

***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

Steal this button and put it in your post just by copying and pasting the html code in the box below, or just link back to the hub with this link, so your readers can read ALLLLLLL the TMI glory, and I’ll make sure to link to you.***

<a href="http://www.livitluvit.com/category/tmi-thursday" target="_blank"><img src="http://i556.photobucket.com/albums/ss5/Livitluvit/tmithursday.jpg" border="0" alt="TMI Thursday" /></a>

Now get ready, my darlings, for the ever popular, yet gravely feared, TMI THURSDAYS…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

All right, lovahs. Just an FYI… this one even makes ME want to barf in my corn flakes. If you have a weak stomach with bathroom stuff, skip.

Oh, and, um… if you were at my housewarming, you might want to skip, too.

Love you guys!

Okay! So, a few Fridays ago, B and I had our tame, quiet little wine and cheese “Welcome to Our New Abode” shindig, right? And it was all classy and lovely and there was definitely no piñatas or shotgunning of beers in a bathtub. That would be ridiculous… I’m a grown up, remember?

So, anyhoo, I had that day off from work, which was great for preparation purposes. I’d done all the shopping and cleaning and time was ticking down. All I had left to do was make two enormous pans of baked ziti, with the hopes that they would keep everyone from passing out before midnight.

(Shut up, ALL OF YOU. I made it until 12:15 before crashing out on Katierose’s sweet, sweet bosom.)

Anyboob.

I was about to head to the kitchen and get cracking, like any good domesticated woman, when I felt the distinct ass-rumblings of That Which Will Not Wait. Well, fine, right? For once I’m in my own home and not stuck at the office with my boss in the stall next to me, or walking home through my old shady neighborhood.

So I TCOB’d it, obvy, and flush the nasty down to the bowls of hell, where it hopefully landed on Chumbawumba’s head.

Wait, they’re not dead? Oh.

My statement stands.

Except it didn’t go down… it came swirling back up.

Like, AT MY FACE AND STUFF.

I stared in horror, mouth agape like the mouth breather on your morning bus commute. As it neared the top, I finally kicked into action and reached for the plunger…

That we didn’t have. Because we’d just moved in and all, and even though we had made approximately 15 trips to Target since for super important things like cat outfits and pot holders, apparently “items that will keep your apartment from overflowing with shit” just didn’t make the list.

By the grace of Chuck Norris, the water came to a slow and threatening stop just before the point of overflow. An orgasmic rush of relief washed over me, but the gravity of the situation remained apparent… I had an apartment with ONE CLOGGED TOILET… And 40 people were about to descend on the place to eat, drink and be merry.

I considered my options. Realistically, I was already behind schedule and there was no time to go hunting for a plunger. We hadn’t met any of the neighbors yet and giving them information about my bowel movements was not the way I wanted to start off. For once, I begged the cats to play in the toilet instead of pulling them away from it in horror, but they are wily creatures and would have none of it, choosing instead to mock me from their perch on the tub.

I knew what I had to do. I could see the wad of TP, drifting back and forth like a piece of icky seaweed.

I rolled up my sleeve, let out a whimper, took a deep breath, and reached into the belly of the beast.

YOIIIIIIIINK!!!!!

With an admissive groan of defeat, the beast gave way, and its innards quickly began draining away.

Too ashamed to even celebrate, I scrubbed my hands like I was a Soprano who’d just sent someone to sleep with the fishes.

And in a way… I had.

Other awesomely bad TMI Thursdays this week…

(Oh, and FYI? Next week I’m going to post a bunch that you’ve all sent to me but are too ashamed to post on your own site. So if you’ve got one, now’s the time! heylivitluvit at gmail dot com.)

jenniferalaine’s tmi thursday: the butterfly effect.

Mb’s Knock a little louder next time

Spleen’s TMI Thursday: nudity, body parts, fat, spleens, and vomit

the iNDefatigable mjenks’ TMI Thursday: Terrible Date POV

Insomniac Lolita’s TMI Thursday : Smell Test

Sebastian’s Sebby, international man of mystery… yeah baby, YEAH!

mylittlebecky’s teee eeem eeeeeeye! yeah, bitchezzzz

Travis’ TMI Thursday: Yes, I HAVE Checked Myself For A Hernia.

Cassie’s TMI Thursday: A weekend with the girls…

Ed’s TMI Thursday: Amy G’s First Time….

That Kind of Girl’s The Kind of Girl Who … gives up her seat car, but may smear you with bodily fluids in the process (a tiny dash of TMI Thursday)

Daffy’s TMI Thursday – Work It Girl

shine’s TMI Thursday – But she can’t use tampons…

Carissa Jade’s TMI Thursday: A Fairy Tail ending

becky on Jill Pilgim’s becky is so good at back rubs that if jesus were to give back rubs he would have to take lessons from becky because she’s better than jesus at back rubs

Sean’s TMI Thursday: Strip Club Story

Big Sis’ TMI Thursday Nuggets

Ms. Terri’s Losing it (sort of)

Hillbilly Duhn’s My Panty & Super Hero Obsession – TMIT

Kendall’s TMI Thursday: Your Childhood? Ruined FOREVER

Just A Girl’s TMI Thursday: Again? You have to be fucking kidding me…

Nikolett’s TMI Thursday: Carbs, Carbs, Carbs

Jeney’s TMI Thursday – My First Period

verybadcat’s TMI Thursday: Grape Nuts Kitty Litter

Lucy’s TMI:Fast Food & Political Affairs

bing’s TMI Thursday: Drop it on the shelf

long red cape’s TMI Thursday: Things About Flatulence

The Bare Essentials’ TMI Thursday – Here’s the story, of a lovely lady, who refused to pop her boyfriends cyst with a pin.

Tricia’s TMI Thursday: Morning Snack

Karilynn’s TMI Thursday – I didn’t wake up

LEBOMBED1’s Popping my TMIT cherry….

Ex Hot Girl’s TMI Thursday: I’m gonna chew on your armpit.

Some of you are fortunate crazy enough to follow me on the insanity that is The Twitter.

Shameless plug WHAT!

Some of you are smart enough not to.

To you I say, tough noogies!

Please to enjoy some of the mini-drivels I subject my fellow Twatterers to on the reg…

Dear Tool Academy: If I had a penis, I would soooo stick it in you… apple pie style.

@Paper_Chaser Kathy Griffin… with a Levi Johnston on your arm. Re: What public figure should I impersonate this year for Halloween?

Just had a flashback to ripping off my ankle wrap during sexy time last night. That must’ve been super hot…

I just adjusted my jeans… and B assumed it was me trying to dance. God, I am white.

@LexaLemmy @ihatesomuch I miss you hookers already. Belt out something you know I could NEVER dance to on the way to @clevelandsaplum’s.

Today, I bought sensible underwear for the first time in my life. It kind of makes me want to go do a keg stand and puke out of a moving cab.

My favorite Halloween idea so far, via @afiendangelical: “Chuck Norris and MC Hammer. Because Chuck Norris CAN touch MC Hammer.”

I know I’m 12, but I can’t see an “Orangina” without giggling.

My favorite found-my-blog search term today: “life is tough, get a helmet”.

Aaaaaaand my computer no longer has an F6 or F8 button. Thanks, Axe Murderer. You are a whore, cat.

Seriously? I’d rather be dumped via Post It. At least then you don’t have to STAY with the guy. Re: @msfbpuddin: What are people’s thoughts on a text message marriage proposal? Yay or nay?

I just typed “sad face” in a comment and then realized I was actually frowning. <— NERD ALERT

While cleaning the apartment… Me: “Hey, hand me the 509.” B: “You mean FOUR oh nine. We don’t have that fancy 509 shit.”

I’ve had FIVE google searchers today come from “hairlip vag open”. WTF.

@pilgrimcongress I just saw a girl who looked like you! Except you should teach her how to do her eyeliner right.

I would rather let a monkey fling its poo at me than ever watch another preview for Jennifer’s Body.

Just passed heavily pieced and tatted dood… walking his two mini poodles. Juxtaposition is fun!

B: Girl cat, did you just fart??? She farted right in my hand and now my hand smells!!! Ah!!

While walking around Columbia Heights… B: “Don’t step on that AIDS bag!!!”

I just took a shower and was confused by all the pink fuzz in the tub. Then I remembered we all shotgunned beers in there last night.

Ahahahahahaha!!! When fruit goes “bad”… watch out for his banana. via @ChasRunner:

If that’s not awesome sauce, I have no freaking idea what is.

But @12minds does:

Happy Tuesday!

For this “Shiz My Friends Say,” I will be highlighting the Gchats I’ve had recently with Miss Lemmonex and Miss (soon-to-be-Mrs.) Maxie. Mostly because we chat for 7.5 hours every work day, and when you have absolutely no lines you won’t cross, well… things get interesting. (Past SMFS here, past Shiz My Boyfriend Says here.)

Let me show you it.

me: On Friday 
   I am not leaving my couch for anything
   I’m going to set up a beer cooler and a bed pan
   Yell “It’s open!” to the delivery guy
   Not apologize for the lack of bra
   And just bask in it
Lexa: hahah
   please do
   you can twitter me and maxie
me: Oh I will
   I’ll twit pic the hell out of it
Lexa: just not the bed pan pls
me: Oh it’s gonna be there
    But I’ll try to keep it out of the pic
   Just for you
Lexa: thats friendship

Maxie: I can’t wait till you see my makeup
   My eyeliner is out of control
me: hahaha
   i haven’t shaved since wednesday morning
   my vag is out of control
   tmi?
Maxie: Haha never
   I cut my taint shaving last night
me: okay cavy

Lexa: my mom calls nipples ditters
   its weird
   i just thought of that
 me: HAHAHA
 Lexa: i remember being like 12
   when she said it
    i was wearing a white unitardy shirt
 me: it’s like a hoo-ha
 Lexa: lexa, i can see your ditters
 me: omg.
 Lexa: EWWW
 me: i just died. DIED.
 Lexa: i am loling
 me: hahahaha
 Lexa: dittterrrr
  AGH
 me: now i keep thinking of little mosquito bite nipples
   and then i feel like a pedophile
   THANKS LEX

Maxie: i just answered the phone and it was the governor
   random
 me: hahaha
 Maxie: i didn’t know they used phones
 me: i know
   don’t they have “people” for that
 Maxie: exactly
  he must be in the bathroom or something
 me: haha
  the kids don’t drop themselves off at the pool
  actually, he probably has people for that too
 Maxie: or he just gets a colonic every day
 me: exactly
  that way he doesn’t have to push
  and can play sudoku at the same time
 Maxie: i’d miss the pushing

me: http://steammeupkid.blogspot.com/2009/09/connecting-with-your-blog-readers-alt.html
  she is seriously one of my favorite funny bloggers
 Lexa: lemme look
   fuck you
   i loled
  you are gonna get my ass fired
 me: hahaha why
  oh
  “raped”
  right
 Lexa: ha
 me: details.

Happy Humpday, my lovelies. Consider this your public service announcement to not say “rape” at work.

Well, unless someone’s raping you.

Then I’m pretty sure it’s okay. You better check with HR.

Okay, I went to the doctor and got a magic pill for my case of the serious. We’re all good now, swear. Thanks for putting up with me yesterday, y’all.

On to the grotesque…

It’s my girl Maxie’s Would You Rather Wednesday!

Sooooo, would you rather…

Eat a quiche stuffed with Chris Farley’s belly button lint and Kanye West’s most pretentious pubic hairs…

(Things to think about: Chris and Patrick were tight.)

Awww. RIP, Miss Vida.

OR…

Marry Jon Gosselin? (Boys, this is for you too.)

(Things to think about: you can only divorce Jon if you marry Kate, and either way, you’ll probably have to wear Ed Hardy for the rest of your life.)

I know, I know. I’m evil.

P.S. Peoples in DC, want a $65 facial for $30? Click here!

P.P.S. See, I’m a giver too. SOMETIMES.

UPDATE:

P.P.P.S. I cannot believe I posted about facials on a WYRW and did not realize the set up I was giving you guys. Run with it, my friends. Run wild.

While traipsing around youtube this week, I came across a gem of all gems.

And I know this one is gold, because at home I’m always all “B! B! Look at this HILARIOUS video I found!” and then I show him something like this or this and he gives me that look that says “Look, I know I said I’m stuck in committed to this relationship, but you are sooooooooo giving me an out here.”

But. But! When I showed him these, he laughed his ass off. (Seriously, it’s in my living room right now- we’re using it as a throw pillow.) There may even have been a guffaw or two, folks. And this has become my meter stick for “Will this be funny to everyone else, or just me and my deranged beloved yet ‘interesting’ friends?”

And so I give you… Jon Lajoie.

Are you done crying? Wait for it… there’s more.

Maxie, how do we add those to our wedding registry???

By the way, is anyone feeling… light headed? A little almost-dead, perhaps? Then Jon has a public service announcement just for you…

My life = MADE. Well, my Friday anyway. Big ups, Jon. Some of your videos have 9 million hits and apparently I don’t actually know what “the internet” is because then I definitely would have heard about you, so maybe this blog is all in my head but it’s kind of a nice dream at least, and hopefully since all my readers must be in my head too, they haven’t heard of you either and will love this post!

Argue with that logic, friends. I’ll spin you right round, baby, right round,  like a record baby, round round  round round.

A happy happy Friday y’all!

In honor of my fucking cats, who decided to be assholes last night and make me leave MY OWN HAPPY HOUR EARLY, but I had an awesome time for the few hours I was there and it was really nice meeting everyone, and I’m really sorry if anyone came later and I missed you, I PROMISE there will be more coming and obviously don’t forget about my epic birthday/wedding in October…

My cats are totally making TOO. MUCH. NOISE!!!

And just because OH MY GOD HAS THERE EVER BEEN ANYTHING FUNNIER THAN CHARLIE EVER IN THE EXISTENCE OF THE UNIVERSE:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mama Bear, just a heads up? You should really, REALLY skip Thursdays. And don’t ever click that TMI Thursday button. For reals. I say this for your sake… not mine.

The scenario: LiLu spends last Friday at home on her couch all day.

Warning: This is what happens when you g-chat with me. Sorry for making you relive this, DC Princess…

Don’t worry… I feel better now. In fact, I feel so much better that I broke my vow of not GUEST POSTING for Miss Elizabeth Marie (a friend in need and all that crap…) Check it out here.

Happy TMI Thursday!!

Other awesomely bad TMIs this week…

Pilgrim Jill’s Its Stuff Like This That Will Forever Change Your Opinion of Vaginas

Maxie’s TMI Thursday: Why Is That In There

Wicked Courtni’s TMIThursday: A Vat of … Vomit?

PinkNic’s Contains Adult Content!

DC Princess’ TMI Thursday: Mr. Stumpy

shine’s TMI Thursday – Now I can cross threesome off my list

Taylor’s TMI Thursday: Sex Dreams

Zan’s TMI Thursday: Belly Bloopers

jenniferalaine’s tmi thursday: the dirtiest clean.

mylittlebecky’s weeeeeeeeeeeeee! (tmit)

Big Sis’ TMI Thursday: Wild and Kinky Sex?

Cassie’s TMI Thursday: A Puking Story

iNDefatigable mjenks’ TMI Thursday: My First Time

Stephanie’s TMI Thursday

Sean’s TMI Thursday: New Dishwasher

Racquel Valencia’s TMI Thursday: When The Moon Hits Your Eye With A Big UTI…

Random Musings’ TMI Thursday: Why Aren’t We Friends???

ClaireMontgomeryMD’s tmi thursday: don’t sweat it

JFo’s TMI Thursday: Useless Superpower

Jeff’s Big Steps

Vittoria’s TMI Thursday: there’s a reason they’re named after Stong Island

Colby’s TMI Thursday: My body is rejecting its host

bing’s TMI Thursday: What goes down, may come up

verybadcat’s TMI Thursday: In Which I Discover FWB

shine’s TMI Thursday – Sometimes it just ain’t pretty

spleeness’ TMI Thursday: a bunch of old diary entries

Lisa’s TMI Thursday: Piggy button edition.

Lucy’s TMI: Thursday: My First Cellphone, My Mother and a Wine Tasting.

Alice’s TMI Thursday – thanks, textsfromlastnight.com!

ikss’ pre-coitus interruptus maximus irritatingus

Lindsay’s TMI Thursday: *chuckle chuckle chuckle RUN*

brian b’s TMI Thursday #1: I Walked Alone

So…

I love you guys. No, really. You were absolutely amazing yesterday- I can’t thank you enough for all your words and support. It felt like one Southern gramma big bear hug, and I honestly can’t find to tell you how grateful I am to have all of you, and this little world.

One comment in particular brought a little “No I am NOT crying I was just cutting onions!!!” to my eye… maybe because clairemontgomerymd is a mama, (btw- read my favorite “Mary” story of hers here, it is PRICELESS), but also because she just put this whole bloggysphere thing we have going on into words so damn perfectly. Check it out:

dear mrs. lilu,
blogging is kind of like one big never-ending cyber-slumber party. we’re all playing extreme truth or dare while we laugh and cry together but when asked what we’re doing, the answer is always ‘nothing’. eavesdrop a little, but turn away with a knowing grin that we’re all going to be alright. especially lilu. your daughter rocks. she makes a lot of people’s days much brighter. she’s genuine and brilliant. you’ve done raised her right. we love her and we love you for sharing with us your baby girl. now wipe your tears and make her buy you something pretty for being the best mom ever! seriously – take advantage of this opportunity.

See? SEE??? Isn’t your heart, like, a whole lot warmer now??

*sigh of contentment*

All right, now that that’s over, let’s get on with the gross stuff! (Sorry, mamakins)…

But it is my girl Maxie’s Would You Rather Wednesday!

So, would you rather…

A)  Get caught masturbating by (on) your friend’s mom…

Grandma’s Boy – More amazing video clips are a click away

or…

B)  Catch one of your PARENTS masturbating? [video clip redacted for all of our sanity]

Think about that…

Hate me yet? xoxo

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Housekeeping: Maxie and I have had to change the date of our wedding, due to the fact that I am an idiot and double-booked a weekend.

All my best friends are SHOCKED right now, let me tell you… this is their surprised face:

Anyhoosits, the festivities will now be on Saturday, the 17th of October, rather than the 24th. Everything else shall remain the same. Except that you have one week less to buy us shit that we will then have to incorporate into the ceremony somehow.

Just kidding.

Maybe.

Actually, I’m not lazy. I’m having the most insane week at work I’ve ever had and even though I am lame/psycho enough to bring my BB into the copy room with me so I can gchat, my umbilical cord to the computer has basically been cut for the week and it makes me sad in my pants because I’ve had no time to read or write basically anything. Which is why you are getting deliciously awesome and hilarious videos today!

Thanks to my love alexa from cleveland’s a plum for this one…

Awesome sauce.

Next up, this insta-classic is via SkylersDad over at Some Days It’s Not Worth Chewing Through The Leather Straps. Make it through to the end… it only gets better.

Ha! That shiz is GRRRRRREAT! Silly fucking leprechaun.

Now, I can’t decide if I only think this is hilarious because it’s 5 in the morning and I’m totally sleep deprived and out of it, but well, I fucking love this.

“I heard that motherfucker had like, 30 dicks.” I heart you, CollegeHumor.

And finally, um, well, this is technically NSFW. Technically. Make sure no one’s behind you, at least. And then Click Here.

AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! *wipes tears of laughter*

I GOT YOU!!!

No, I’m not sorry. Okay, I’m a little sorry. But you have to forgive me, because it’s FRIIIIIIIIDEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Happy weekend, love muffins. Watch out for the man teats out there…

***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

Steal this button and put it in your post just by copying and pasting the html code in the box below, or just link back to the hub with this link, so your readers can read ALLLLLLL the TMI glory, and I’ll make sure to link to you.***

Now get ready, my darlings, for the ever popular, yet gravely feared, TMI THURSDAYS…

One weekend when the girls were at my apartment for a playdate, we were having our normal gross talk comparing terrifying period tales, odd sexcapades, and the like. B was being a good sport and playing along, or at least not screaming in agony, which is pretty good for a guy.

Just as Maxie and I thought we’d reached the absolute pinnacle of grossocity… B suddenly looked over at our gaggle of girls from his safe zone of watching ESPN, and said THIS:

“That’s nothing.”

Wide-eyed, we turned and gazed at him, waiting with bated breath to hear what might be worse than reliving the variety of menstrual mishaps we’d experienced in our high school days.

He knew he had the room, and he milked it for a moment, looking each of us in the eye as the theme to Nickelodeon’s Are You Afraid of the Dark? began to play in the background. The TV suddenly went out, and the room grew ice cold as we huddled closer together- to keep the spirits away, of course.

“When I was in high school, I knew a boy…” B said in a hushed, dangerous voice. “He had a girlfriend that he was banging on the regular, which was a big deal in those days.”

We all nodded solemnly in acknowledgement.

“Well,” B knew he had us on the hook, and was enjoying every minute of it. “One day, we were all talking about whether or not we would have sex with a girl on her period. Some of us were for, some of us against… and then Steve spoke up…”

We nodded in unison. Who doesn’t know ‘that guy Steve’, after all? There’s one in every group.

“Steve told us that not only did they do it when Aunt Flo visited… he went DOWNTOWN when the crimson tide came in.”

“WHAT?!?!” We all jumped back, aghast! Never, never, never!

“And that’s not the best/worst part,” he whispered.

Surely there couldn’t be anything more horrible than THAT, we thought?

We were wrong.

“Before he dove into the Red Muff, he told us he would take two fingers on each hand… DIP them inside, like so-” He demonstrated in the air with a one-two punch- “And then streak them under his eyes, as he screamed,

‘WAR PAINT!!!’”

Step 2: Laugh at that sauce on your face!

Step 3: Let someone photograph that sauce on your face!

And that’s how you do WAR PAINT!

P.S. A word to the wise… DO NOT USE TOBASCO FOR THIS. A friend told me that it burns like the dickens.

Yeah, that’s right, dickens. Deal with it.

P.P.S. And by a friend, I mean me. No, really… I can still feel it.

Happy TMI Thursday! Don’t forget your war paint!

Other awesomely bad TMIs this week…

Maxie’s TMI Thursday: Just Can’t Get There

cavy’s TMI thursday: where do they learn this stuff?

Foggy Dew’s TMI Thursday: 175 mph

Just Playing Pretend’s TMIT- We Found Whistles!

Sebastian’s The blowback 69

Zan’s TMI Thursday: I’m a Little Ashamed of This, But Not More Than HE Should Be

mylittlebecky’s going green (TMIT)

Jassie’s TMI Thursday- Way To Eat Your Face Off

BigSis’ TMI Thursday: Substitution, Please

Mb’s TMI: on cougars, kittens, and being bad in bed

ClaireMMD’s tmi thursday: puking with jesus

Cora

’s TMI Thursday: Gee, I Hope This Doesn’t Come Back To Haunt Me If I Ever Run For President….

Gladys’ Teenaged Embarrassment for TMI THURSDAY

WickedCourtni’s TMIThursday: SBDBJ

Nikki’s TMI Thursday: Pubic Humiliation

Just A Girl’s TMI Thursday: The Hits Just Keep Coming

Cheddar’s TMI Thursday: Don’t Step in That