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WARNING: These are the things I think about when I’m in that weird, not-quite-awake, half-dreaming place…

Imagine for a moment that there were no domestic cats in the world.

No Persians, no tabbies, no orange tiger kitties. No Siamese, no calicos, no tuxedos. They just never existed.

Now, imagine you went to the zoo, and you saw the Big Cats prowling around, all majestic and such:

You would look at these guys, and you would think to yourself:

“My lands, those are some fanciful beasts! What a pity there isn’t a teeny tiny version of them I could keep in mine own house. It would be like a mini horse, except a feline – just a wee tiger I could tussle and play with, but it would fit in my apartment and not be able to kill me!”

(You would SO use those words. Would too!)

Can you imagine how unbelievably cool that would be? To have a perfect, tiny lion/tiger/jaguar/panther just WALKING AROUND YOUR LIVING ROOM on the reg?!?!

You’d be all, oh, NBD, I just happen to have a freaking MINIATURE LEOPARD curled up next to me in bed. Juan likes to be the little spoon.

Mini cats: pretty much the best thing that could ever exist in the universe. AND THEY DO.

Well played, world. Well. Played.

Mama said share.

There are no words… all I’m going to say is that this was 150% B’s idea. He’s been pushing for it for a while, actually, on the grounds that Axe Murderer “should be able to murder things in her natural habitat, since SHE IS A KILLING MACHINE.”

I would say he’s just trying to get revenge for the time she made him pee on himself, but when you see the pictures… well, his love for his little darling murderer is palpable.

Anyway, what it basically boils down to, is my life = MADE.

(Please, please, if you can… click the four little arrow thingies to make it full screen. It’s pretty much the difference between HD and, well, NOT.)

It’s Leash Time, Bitches. from LiLu Livitluvit on Vimeo.

And for the 90% of you shaking your heads at us sadly and wondering if you can ever come back here…

I don’t blame you. But if you really don’t find that funny even the teeniest bit, I’m going to have to alert the government as to your status.

Which is COMMUNIST.

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ZING!!!!!!!!!!

Don’t mind me. I’m a little crazy from having watched that video 9,000 times last night and laughing myself into the pee-pants zone every. single. TIME.

Happy Monday, chickadees.

Mama said share.

Maybe B and I shouldn’t be allowed to have three day weekends, because apparently this is what happens.

It all started with a simple tweet…

Maxie, how long do you think Axe Murderer would wear this before killing me?

Her response?

“I think it’s worth $5 to find out.”

FTMFW!!!!!!!!!!

This is the point where I mention how last week when we had a steak knife in the living room to help open IKEA boxes, Axe Murderer picked it up in her mouth and ran around the room with it.

Keep that in mind as you view the rest of these. I sure didn’t.

The difference between you and her?

She makes this look good.

You are dead to her, B.

I'm not sure Murray even notices anything's there.

What? Life is good.

You have to be done now, right?

I hope you get me some dignity for Christmas.

What the...

Seriously... I pity you.

I do not think you realize the gravity of your actions.

Contemplating a jump.

This is my "I'm Killing You In Your Sleep" face.

I am so mad this whole video didn’t come out, because it was the funniest two minutes of my entire life, but somehow only a (hilarious) split second recorded.

Enjoy.

Mama said share.

You knew it was coming.

My contribution to Tiger Week, being hosted by the lovely Maxie and Jenn. Why Tiger Week? Well, as my fiancee says…

“Last week was Shark Week on the Discovery Channel. I hate shark week. Sharks are probably the lamest animals in the whole world. First of all, they’re a type of fish– I eat that shit for dinner– literally.  Fish blow.

You know what doesn’t blow?

TIGERS.

They are magestic and pretty and great lovers. Wait, what? Nevermind.”

Click their links to read all about why tigers > sharks.

And now, my own two cents about why fluffy, cuddly, whiskery tigers are OBVIOUSLY better than the soulless hell-beasts that dwell in the freaking ocean like cowards…

In one word? EVOLUTION.

Felines have branched out into a million awesomely ferocious creatures- TIGERS, lions, panthers, lynxes, cheetahs, fucking JAGUARS, you name it! Here’s what Wikipedia (aka God, because it is all omniscient and shit) has to say about jaguars:

The jaguar has developed an exceptionally powerful bite, even relative to the other big cats.  This allows it to pierce the shells of armoured reptiles and to employ an unusual killing method: it bites directly through the skull of prey between the ears to deliver a fatal blow to the brain.

Not only are the great cats incredibly BAD ASS-ER (Always Sunny fans click through) than sharks, they’ve even given us mini-thems that we can snuggle in a desperate attempt to feel like we have a little bit of tiger in our own houses! Sure, sharks have been around for a while, but have they produced any descendants that make your heart ache with love?!

Honestly. Which would YOU rather cuddle with this…

or THIS?

Yeah. That’s what I thought.

Finally, as a real-world example of why tiger descendants are way more BAD ASS than sharks’, Murray agreed to help out in a demonstration of his own bad assery. (Please to excuse the jumpiness of the camera- it’s four years old and I think it’s finally kicked the bucket. CoughcoughbirthdayintwomonthsMomcough.)

You can still hear the “dialogue” though. (That’s what true thespians call it, right?)

So there you have it, folks. Murray officially PROVES that tigers > sharks!!!!!!!!! Viva la Tiger Week!

7rqhy3ted5

Mama said share.