Hey! Have you tweeted today yet? (If you don’t know what this is about, please to clicky here!)

Follow @LivitLuvit, my favorite contestant in the @MTVTJ search for MTV’s first Twitter Jockey! #zyncmtvtj

(Feel free to modify, the above suggestion is just for your copy & paste convenience. Cause I’m good like that.)

Update: I just found out voting will start on July 7th, and it will be via Facebook. (I know, the irony…) Anyway! You will only get to have to vote once, so make sure we’re Facebook friends and I’ll send ya a reminder! WOOT!!!

And now back to our regular programming…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last week, bored in an airport with only my laptop to entertain myself, I of course turned to you, the interwebs, to keep me company. And as always, you did not fail me.

With one simple question, my internet life flashed before my eyes.

And hot DAMN if y’all didn’t rally.

Without further ado, I present to you…

A History of The Internet via Viral Videos We Loved

The Hamster Dance! (click through for the song)

Alien Singing I Will Survive!

The “Oogachaka” Dancing Baby

“Fat Kid Singing Numa Numa Yei”

Banned Commerical – “Blind Date”

“Star Wars Kid”

“Chocolate Rain” by Tay Zonday

“Sneezing Baby Panda”

“Chinese Backstreet Boys”

“Shoes… OMG, Shoes!”

Will Ferrell’s “The Landlord”

(Apparently, the munchkin is Jeremy Piven’s niece! Um, awesome?? Thanks lbluca77!)

Ahhh, how they take me back. Happy Friday, lovebugs!!!

Update: I’m totally adding more with your suggestions, so bring ‘em on!

I woke up yesterday morning to an SOS message in my inbox.

“Dear Lilu…aka Karaoke Queen….

I have NEVER been….

I have been invited to go….

March 13….

Would you consider writing a blog post on HOW TO KARAOKE?

I mean seriously….how many drinks are involved?

Do you pick a song based on ease of lyrics or personal love?

I am intrigued and terrified at the same time.”

~ Donna

Well, Donna. Given that I know a little something about unabashedly crooning for strangers, particularly in seedy bars, how could I not help a sister out?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Rules to PWNing Karaoke

First things first. You want to get there early and snag a table with an excellent view of the humiliations- I mean, performances. Choose a place that serves ginormous beers on the cheap so you don’t miss having your name called by the DJ while ordering a beverage. You should occasionally have someone bring a round of shots by to lube the wind pipes your dignity.

Drink heavily and with purpose. You need to be bordering on sloppy drunk but perform justbefore going over the edge. Timing is of the essence here, people.

Now, the venue. It’s preferable if the place is extra shady; things like poor lighting and the stunted walls of an acoustically-challenged basement can only help you here, folks.

Next, you’re going to need a group of friends to share the pathetic experience with you. More is better because it increases the chances of anyone remembering anything. Less is better because it decreases the chances of anyone remembering anything. Either way, you should definitely choose them from the “Will Have to Love You Anyway” pile.

Now it’s song choice time. There are a few basic rules to this:

1. Make sure you know either 50% of the words or 100% of the beat. Make SURE. Just because you rocked City High’s “What Would You Do” in high school doesn’t mean you can do it now, friend. Trust.

2. Choose a song the whole bar will want to sing. Unless you’ve actually got serious skills, class participation is key to making everyone forget that you probably kind of blow at this. Also? Nothing downer, unless it’s hilarious, like All 4 One’s “I Swear.” No one wants to hear you wail out to T.L.C.’s ”Waterfall” or, God forbid, Oasis’ “Wonderwall.” Save that for the car. (Not applicable when driving in Southeast D.C.)

3. DO NOT choose one of the most cliché karaoke songs ever. It makes the bartender groan because you are now that person that put on “Friends in Low Places” or ”Don’t Stop Believin’” for the eleventy millionth time . I don’t care if it reminds you of college and a time when you didn’t know what IBS was. Do not be That Guy/Girl.

(…Let someone else do it. Because I guarantee they will, and then you get to sing it anyway. God, I love those songs.)

Once you take the stage, which should be earlier on the night (you don’t want to have to follow anything awesome- you want to BE the awesome!)… anyhoo, you’re going to want to have a set of decent and/or ridiculous but wholly entertaining dance moves at your disposal. These will be helpful during musical interludes, places where you flat out forget lines or totally lose the beat, or to dodge items should they start, um… coming your way. (Remember the five D’s: dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge!)

There’s really only one word you need to know to give a unique and memorable karaoke performance:

COMMITMENT.

Don’t half-ass it, folks. If you suck, suck royally. If you dance, dance your heart out. If you don’t know the words, sing louder. OWN your time on that stage. Own it hard.

Whether you like it or not, friend, you’re putting on a show. You might as well make it epic… for better or for worse.

***Update!

Addendum: When coming to the grandiose finish of your performance, no matter WHAT song you’re singing, you must thrust your arms in the air in a “V for Victory!” fashion and shout, “KNIBB HIGH FOOTBALL RULES!!!!!!!!!!”

That is all.***

It is New Year’s Eve… and I plan on busting out some SERIOUS dance moves tonight.

Y’all know I have it in me.

For inspiration, I look to Charlie Kelly of “Always Sunny in Philadelphia”…

And so should you.

Happy Two Thousand and TEN, peoples! Say goodbye to the aughts… it is time for a new and even awesome-r era. I, for one, had a fan-freaking-tastic ‘09…

And I just have this funny feeling-in-the-pants 2010 is going to be twice as good.

P.S. Hey… did you get a chance to vote for me on 20SB yet? Just sayin…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Though I took a break this week, it is indeed TMI Thursday, so here are yours!

(If you’re participating this week, steal the button below…

<a href="http://www.livitluvit.com/category/tmi-thursday" target="_blank"><img src="http://i556.photobucket.com/albums/ss5/Livitluvit/tmithursday.jpg" border="0" alt="TMI Thursday" /></a>

Or, if the picture is, ahem, a bit much… just link back with this link.)

Kim’s TMI Thursday: Please, Just Hair Me Out

Cheddar’s TMI Thursday: Let the Holidays Begin

BigSis’ TMI Thursday: Afterbirth: It’s What’s for Dinner

Carissa Jade’s In which I vlog and am a klutz

Griffin’s TMI Thursday: Meeting OPM and OPM meets Big Balan

Daffy’s I Swallowed Big Birds Head TMI-Thursday

amber murphy’s TMI Thursday: in the style of truth or scare

Just Another Momma’s TMI Thursday – Gimme Some KY

Kaydee’s TMI Thursday: Self Waxing

Dani’s TMI Thursday: it may be the dawning of a new year, but i’m the same old hot mess…

The Peach Tart’s Happy New Year and A Relook at Vajayjay Art

Vittoria’s TMIT: Happy New Year, indeed

JewliaGoulia’s TMI Thursday – 3rd Edition

Coffeypot’s TMI Thursday at Talladega

Or at least of things that make me laugh. Please to enjoy… all the videos that Maxie and I decided were hilarious last week.

You’ve probably seen these before, but they never cease to make me giggle…

For the Always Sunny lovers out there… (did you know there’s a special CHRISTMAS video out?!?)

This gem is from my dear friend FattyLumpa, who knew I would appreciate it, as I am well versed in the Stankiness of Leggs myself…

And last but not least, Maxie and I have decided this shall be our next music video…

ROCK.

Miss you guys!

Seriously, y’all? After all the TMIs I’ve done, yesterday is apparently “the line”? Frankly, I’m shocked. I rescue my toilet from overflowing and scrub my hands vigorously afterwards, and that’s too much for you?? It’s like I was Michael Vick and the offending wad of TP was a sweet, sweet puppy I was beating mercilessly with a blunt object.

No no, I’m not mad. I’m DISAPPOINTED.

Anyseriously, let’s lighten it up around here with a few videos.

Last Friday, I was at one of the divier holes of DC called Recessions. Think insanely cheap mugs of watery beer and crackheads fighting over a pool table. Got it? Okay, good.

So, on Fridays they justsohappen to start karaoke around 9pm. And I knew immediately what had to be done. I put my name in and waited…

And then, when they called me, I looked over at my darling f.B and informed him he was coming up on stage with me. Like, RIGHT THAT SECOND.

I’m a good friend.

(It’s a bit dark, but you’ll get the jist…)

Yes, that’s right. I took f.B’s karaoke V-card by making him RICKROLL A WHOLE GODDAMN BAR WITH ME. (His account of THE INCIDENT here.)

I’m pretty sure it’s my life’s biggest accomplishment.

I hope you can see the running man I busted out around 40 seconds or so. Mostly because it (hopefully) covers up my “singing” voice.

Moving on…

I think everyone’s seen this by now… but JUST IN CASE, I feel like it’s my public duty to share it. Because if you haven’t, I guarantee it WILL get you through those last painful hours of Friday in the office…

“Hi Mom!”

This is because it’s hilarious, especially if you’re from or have ever BEEN to Bahstun…

And THIS is to make up for yesterday. I hereby pledge never to reach into a toilet again. I will let that bish overflow… that’s a TMI in and of itself, if it happened, isn’t it?

Happy weekend, love ducks!

P.S. I wasn’t going to say anything because I wasn’t sure she was posting about it, but my dear friend KassyK recently found out she has skin cancer and is having surgery next week to have it removed. They got it super early and it should be A-OK, but do me two small favors if you can: 1) Go send her some mad love and good vibrations, and 2) GET YOSELFS CHECKED OUT, MOFOS. She’s in her twenties, peoples… it can happen to anyone.

Some of you are fortunate crazy enough to follow me on the insanity that is The Twitter.

Shameless plug WHAT!

Some of you are smart enough not to.

To you I say, tough noogies!

Please to enjoy some of the mini-drivels I subject my fellow Twatterers to on the reg…

Dear Tool Academy: If I had a penis, I would soooo stick it in you… apple pie style.

@Paper_Chaser Kathy Griffin… with a Levi Johnston on your arm. Re: What public figure should I impersonate this year for Halloween?

Just had a flashback to ripping off my ankle wrap during sexy time last night. That must’ve been super hot…

I just adjusted my jeans… and B assumed it was me trying to dance. God, I am white.

@LexaLemmy @ihatesomuch I miss you hookers already. Belt out something you know I could NEVER dance to on the way to @clevelandsaplum’s.

Today, I bought sensible underwear for the first time in my life. It kind of makes me want to go do a keg stand and puke out of a moving cab.

My favorite Halloween idea so far, via @afiendangelical: “Chuck Norris and MC Hammer. Because Chuck Norris CAN touch MC Hammer.”

I know I’m 12, but I can’t see an “Orangina” without giggling.

My favorite found-my-blog search term today: “life is tough, get a helmet”.

Aaaaaaand my computer no longer has an F6 or F8 button. Thanks, Axe Murderer. You are a whore, cat.

Seriously? I’d rather be dumped via Post It. At least then you don’t have to STAY with the guy. Re: @msfbpuddin: What are people’s thoughts on a text message marriage proposal? Yay or nay?

I just typed “sad face” in a comment and then realized I was actually frowning. <— NERD ALERT

While cleaning the apartment… Me: “Hey, hand me the 509.” B: “You mean FOUR oh nine. We don’t have that fancy 509 shit.”

I’ve had FIVE google searchers today come from “hairlip vag open”. WTF.

@pilgrimcongress I just saw a girl who looked like you! Except you should teach her how to do her eyeliner right.

I would rather let a monkey fling its poo at me than ever watch another preview for Jennifer’s Body.

Just passed heavily pieced and tatted dood… walking his two mini poodles. Juxtaposition is fun!

B: Girl cat, did you just fart??? She farted right in my hand and now my hand smells!!! Ah!!

While walking around Columbia Heights… B: “Don’t step on that AIDS bag!!!”

I just took a shower and was confused by all the pink fuzz in the tub. Then I remembered we all shotgunned beers in there last night.

Ahahahahahaha!!! When fruit goes “bad”… watch out for his banana. via @ChasRunner:

If that’s not awesome sauce, I have no freaking idea what is.

But @12minds does:

Happy Tuesday!

So. I had a positively scrumptious time this weekend in Beantown.

OBVIOUSLY.

And I am A) exhausted from the funsies and B) get to spend the day packing!!! Which, to B, means desperately trying to throw away sort through all of “my junk”.

Communist.

I wish I could put a camera up in the apartment for the day… this shiz ain’t gonna be pretty.

So for yous guyses, this means you get some pretty, pretty highlights. (Don’t worry, they’re the very expensive kind done by a professional gay man- no brassiness here!)

The scene: Dinner with my parents, B, my Lil Sis, and her boyfriend on Friday night. Fun fact: Lil Sis has been aching for a dog for months now, and had planned on getting one when she moves in with her bf in a month.

The highlight:

Mom: So what kind of dog do you want, Lil Sis?

Lil Sis: (As her face falls) We’re not allowed to have one at the new apartment.

Mom: Awwwww, so you’re not getting a puppy?

Lil Sis: No. YOU were the one who told me NOT to!

Mom: Well, no, you shouldn’t. It’s expensive and a lot of responsibility. But… puppy…

Lil Sis: Unbelievable.

LiLu: Oh, come on. It’s just like if your 16 year old daughter gets knocked up! You don’t WANT it to happen… but once the baby’s here, you’re still going to love it!

*crickets*

My poor family.

The scene: Meeting up with Boston’s most fabulous bloggers (and a few other travelers as well) at The Globe Bar for drunkety times. The crew: (if I forgot you, please to forgive, and let me know! It is so very early…) My lovely Julie, brookem, Pilgrim Jill, Hannah, Julie Q, Susan, Emrlds, Alana, A Super Girl, and in some cases, their justly terrified boyfriends, made it the best time any blogger could ask for.

The highlight: Jill Pilgrim double dog daring me to offer Susan’s virginity to a random guy hitting on her for the price of three goats. Which, obviously, I did in approximately 2.5 seconds… at which point we found out it was a friend of hers, and now we had to hang out with him for the rest of the night and be “Those Weird Girls” all evening.

Whatevs. The shoe fits.

Also? All of this happened.

Pretending to be classy. What?

You can’t see that I’m grabbing Jill’s bum.

In a word: FINALLY!!! <3

There is some hate sex in here.

Gawd, I love this woman. ALLLLL of her, apparently…

Tiger hands for Maxie!

Why I oughta…

We bloggers get friendly quick.

The boys entertained themselves just fine…

Sure. I mean, clearly.

Hiccups are a BITCH, yo.

Love you hookers.

Yeah. So. The awesomest of AWESOME. And that is all I have to say about that.

Except get all your asses down to DC so we can do it again soon. LUFF YOU BISHES!!!!!!

The scene: B’s sister getting mawwied!

The highlight: Everything. Jewish weddings are so much more fun! There was breaking of stuff, chairs in the air, a dancing train through the entire room, and incredible view, and a few speeches that even moved my cold dead hooker heart.

A sample from the mother of the groom’s toast:

“When my boys were little, I always changed the descriptions of the princesses in fairytales to say “kind” and “intelligent” instead of “beautiful”. I am so incredibly glad that my son has chosen to share his life with a woman who is kind and intelligent… as well as beautiful.”

*cue heartwrench*

All in all? Best. Weekend. Ever.

And now, we pack…

Sigh.

You knew it was coming.

My contribution to Tiger Week, being hosted by the lovely Maxie and Jenn. Why Tiger Week? Well, as my fiancee says…

“Last week was Shark Week on the Discovery Channel. I hate shark week. Sharks are probably the lamest animals in the whole world. First of all, they’re a type of fish– I eat that shit for dinner– literally.  Fish blow.

You know what doesn’t blow?

TIGERS.

They are magestic and pretty and great lovers. Wait, what? Nevermind.”

Click their links to read all about why tigers > sharks.

And now, my own two cents about why fluffy, cuddly, whiskery tigers are OBVIOUSLY better than the soulless hell-beasts that dwell in the freaking ocean like cowards…

In one word? EVOLUTION.

Felines have branched out into a million awesomely ferocious creatures- TIGERS, lions, panthers, lynxes, cheetahs, fucking JAGUARS, you name it! Here’s what Wikipedia (aka God, because it is all omniscient and shit) has to say about jaguars:

The jaguar has developed an exceptionally powerful bite, even relative to the other big cats.  This allows it to pierce the shells of armoured reptiles and to employ an unusual killing method: it bites directly through the skull of prey between the ears to deliver a fatal blow to the brain.

Not only are the great cats incredibly BAD ASS-ER (Always Sunny fans click through) than sharks, they’ve even given us mini-thems that we can snuggle in a desperate attempt to feel like we have a little bit of tiger in our own houses! Sure, sharks have been around for a while, but have they produced any descendants that make your heart ache with love?!

Honestly. Which would YOU rather cuddle with this…

or THIS?

Yeah. That’s what I thought.

Finally, as a real-world example of why tiger descendants are way more BAD ASS than sharks’, Murray agreed to help out in a demonstration of his own bad assery. (Please to excuse the jumpiness of the camera- it’s four years old and I think it’s finally kicked the bucket. CoughcoughbirthdayintwomonthsMomcough.)

You can still hear the “dialogue” though. (That’s what true thespians call it, right?)

So there you have it, folks. Murray officially PROVES that tigers > sharks!!!!!!!!! Viva la Tiger Week!

7rqhy3ted5

I can’t…

Eat a cheeseburger without ketchup. NO MATTER WHAT. Get your gourmet shit outta here… Nothing beats that heavenly sugar and vinegar concoction.

See a puppy without squealing like a 5 year old spotting the ice cream truck. Um, also, there are sound effects involved, and they vary according to size and breed of said puppy.

Work out without an iPod AND television- preferably Tyra, for maximum distraction purposes. If there’s something about sex changes or makeovers, I can make it on that treadmill twice as long.

Keep my mouth shut when I think someone is an idiot. And if I do somehow manage to keep it shut? It’ll be written allllllll over my face.

Imagine my life without B, my darling (asshole) little kittens, or any of my hoes. You know who you are.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can…

Wiggle my ears. And no, I won’t show you. Unless I’m drunk. Then, DUH, have you seen this shiz?!

Make you the best damn margarita you’ve ever had in your life. Trust.

Admit when I’m wrong. Fairly quickly. And even apologize for it, genuinely.

Forgive almost anyone for almost anything. Often whether I want to or not… I am nearly incapable of holding a grudge.

Be the best damn listener in the world, despite how often my mouth is moving.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I won’t…

Feel such a responsibility to be “on” all the time in a social setting.

Let shitty people be a part of my life… even if that means cutting some loose.

Ever stop doing whatever I have to in order to set foot in as many places as possible before I die.

SETTLE. In any area of my life.

Ever give up on us.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I will…

Cry at animated movies. Wall-E, I’m looking at you.

Dance and sing wherever I want, whenever I want, even when I get the inevitable “Who sings that?… Let’s keep it that way.”

Try to express myself more, ahem, quietly. Speaking louder will not make someone see my side.

Send flowers to the people who make my life worth living, just because.

Hit “publish” on that post that’s been sitting in my drafts since the day I started blogging, no matter how scary it may be…

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I shouldn’t…

Make the horrible, horrible jokes that I do. (And especially not relish it so much.)

Write people off immediately, because they don’t believe in my rights to my body as a woman.

Swear so goddamn much. Well, at least in the company of children and the elderly…

Giggle like a school girl whenever I toot. (snarf)

 Take so much joy in shocking others and pushing them outside of their comfort zones.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I should…

See my grandparents more often.

Stand up for myself when it comes to money and friends. It goes against my nature, but so does getting screwed over repeatedly. (TWSS.)

Publish the hilarious mess of a vlog I made with Maxie and Caviandra. Wait, this goes under “shouldn’t”…

Drink less, work out more, eat better, blah blah fucking blah.

Be a little bit more grateful, every day, for my fantastic little life, and everyone who makes it that way. (Here’s looking at you, kid.)

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Inspired by this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, and this. If I missed you, I’m sorry- shoot me an email/comment and I’ll remedy that in the shake of a lamb’s tail.

Mmmm. Lamb.

This find is probably the best thing to ever happen, EVER, in my whole life… (seriously, I beg of you… if you’re a person who ‘doesn’t watch videos’, like I am… CHANGE YOUR MIND, just this once, and watch every last second of this).

This kid left his video camera in the room of his brother, who has just been informed by Mom that his World of Warcraft account has been terminated as punishment for something.

(Found via With Leather).

Honestly, I can’t decide if my favorite part is when he’s screaming “IT’S BURNING!!!”; when he wraps himself in his blanket, writhes in pain, and then magically pops out with all his clothes off (he’s like a MAGICIAN!!!); or when he violently attempts to sodomize himself with his TV remote.

I’m going with the latter.

Now, if that didn’t make your weekend, you are A) soulless or B) don’t take pleasure in the embarrassment of others (why are you here?), or C) really in the mood for some free shit and NOTHING else is gonna do it for you today.

WELL, my friend, if you answered C), you are in luck! Our main man Drew from the fun and sexy online shop Eden Fantasys is being a sport and letting me give away more adult toys. This time, I knew exactly what I wanted for you guys… the very thing most of you commented on last time…

The Hello Kitty Pocket Vibrator!

(Click to check out the whole store.Make sure your boss isn't around first...)

Don’t you just want to hug it and squeeze it and name it George?? This one’s even safe for the mamas, because if your kids find it, they’ll just think it’s a toy!

(Wait… that could also go horribly wrong… oh well.)

Alls you gotta do to enter is leave a comment, any comment. Preferably telling me I’m beautiful or something, but I will also accept e-flaming bags of dog doody. Just don’t call the shit poop, people.

Giveaway will go until 11:59 on Tuesday night.

All right, lovebirds. I am off to The Boonies, Virginia to have some crazy hotel sex- I mean, to go do the chicken dance at a very refined and sophisticated wedding. Have yourselves a merry little weekend!

Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyy there! Lazy Sunday, anyone? Please and thank you.

This is one I’ve been wanting to share for a while. Natalie Portman is not only one of my favorite actresses, she’s also the one I am most frequently told that I resemble. Which is, of course, absolutely ridiculous, but I’ll take it all the same.

Consequently, I was super glad to see, ahem, ‘another side’ of her, when I first stumbled across this SNL sketch. (Apologies if you’ve all seen it before, but I think it’s worth sharing for those of you who have not. It’s that shockingly funny.)

(Here’s the youtube link for all you out-of-country-ers. Sorry bout that!)

I guess doing Leon/The Professional (AKA one of my top three favorite movies of all time) at such a young age did have an impact on her, after all…

And on a sidenote, I’ve had a bunch of you ask me how I made the button for TMI Thursdays, so if any of you are wondering how, please feel free to email me for super easy step-by-step instructions that I now have written down. Or just leave your email/request in the comments, if you’re lazy like me. For googling purposes…

To learn How To Make a Button or Badge for Your Blog or Website, email me at livitluvit at livitluvit dot com, and I’ll shoot them to ya.

Have a lovely and lazy Sunday, my darlings!

Maybe you can’t tell from the 900 times I’ve mentioned her, but I fucking love Maxie from I Hate So Much. In the past months, she’s quickly gone from “That Funny Girl In The Blogosphere I Admire,” to “One of The Few People Who Might Be As Twisted As Me,” to “One of My Favorite Fucking People in the Entire World.” When the two of us get together, it is ALWAYS an adventure of epic proportions, whether we’re getting engaged…

Doing the Stankey Legg…

Or spooning her in my bed.

[Picture redacted]

Ha. Yeah RIGHT I’d show you guys that! That’s one of our special private memories.

Anyhoosits, I am totally stoked to have her babysit my corner of the interwebs today while I soak up some South Carolina sun. (JEEEEALOUS???) I fucking love you, Max, and I can’t wait to see what you drop on my peoples while I’m out.

See you lovenuggets on Monday!

My life? Is now complete.

And so is yours.

Move over, Astley. There’s a new ginger in town.

You. are. WELCOME.