It’s been far too long! You all know this game by now… Time for another installment of “The Shiz My Boyfriend Says”!

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On G chat…

B:  dirty secret of today: I accidentally purchased a “luna” bar–the fitness bar made for women. I’m going to get my period and grow breasts!

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While watching True Blood, Sookie and Bill are getting it on…

B: Wait. What happens when they’re boning and she’s on the rag? I bet Bill loves that shit.

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On the couch, I look over to see him extracting something from his nose. The expression on his face is a killer combination of awe and horror.

B: What the… I just pulled a girl cat hair from my nose! That was horrible… it felt just like throwing up spaghetti, when it goes on forever and you keep pulling and feel it moving through your whole nostril!

Me: [Laughing too hard to breathe.]

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At home, looking in a mirror…

B: What the… what is this on my face?

Me: Oh, yeah, I saw that earlier. You have one really long hair sticking straight out under your eye.

B: You SAW it?? Why wouldn’t you tell me?

Me: Well, I thought maybe it was just a loose hair or something. Apparently not. Hey, you know how I have that one blonde hair in the middle of my back that grows like an inch long?? I think it’s back. Will you try to find it later?

B: NO. No I will not.

Me: If you loved me you’d do it!

B: Well, there you go. I must not love you. I knew we’d have this conversation at some point, I just didn’t know it’d be about your back hair.

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On the couch, B has BOTH cats in his lap.

B: Baby, will you get me a beer?

Me: [glaring]

B: What?? I’d totally do it, but I’m cat rich, bitch!

Me: I’ll get you a beer if you give me a cat.

B: Puff puff give, baby!

Me: ……….

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On the couch, again. (I know… shocking.)

B: I would rank your overall ideas in your life like this:

1. getting the kitties
2. finding Always Sunny
3. loving me.

Because they’re always cute, Always Sunny never lets you down, but I’ll admit I’m a little up and down here.

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Happy happy weekend, everyone! Don’t eat too much pumpkin out there.

Mama said share.

You, um, may notice something new about my page. Namely, that freaky countdown at the top right, where my dorky little face used to be.

That’s right, folks. I am THAT excited for the new season of True Blood. Judge if you must.

But when HBO announced they were coming out with a vampire show, no one was more skeptical than I.

(Which is odd, considering how obsessed I was with Christopher Pike’s “The Last Vampire” series as a tween.)

But it just seemed so cliche, what with the craziness surrounding the oh-so-immature Twilight series and movies. (Not that they aren’t enjoyable- I like some bloody teenager angst as much as the next person. But come on… no one actually thinks it’s a quality production, right?)

And I get it. Eternal life, the undead, remarkable power, the stories we’ve grown up with… no matter who you are, the teeniest part of your soul HAS to think, “Well… these myths must have come from somewhere…” Vampire stories hold for us an incredible combination of fear and lust; the allure is not so hard to understand, really.

But still, I was skeptical.

And then I saw the opening credits.

And skeptical became intrigued.

Frankly, I’ve never seen such a deliciously haunting introduction… I’ve never quite so much enjoyed the sensation of my skin crawling.

And so I thought, “Blood, sex, and HBO, huh? This might be worth a shot.”

And it is fucking SEXY.

The lead actor, Stephen Moyer, is freaking goddamn amazing. In fact, they ALL are. There is not a single character that annoys me; I am constantly re-deciding who my favorite is. There is raw and honest homosexuality, a powerful portrayal of bigotry that could mirror any issue we struggle with today, and Jimmy James. There is the loss of innocence, of virginity, and of morality.

Most of all, there is love that, as Richard The Seeker would say, “transcends all barriers.” (It’s less corny if he says it and not me. No? Shuttup.)

My point is, don’t write this show off in your mind by associating it with Twilight.

These vampires don’t fucking glitter.

(And after all, these are the people who brought us Kenny Powers, no?)

June 14th… who’s bringing the popcorn?

Extra garlic, please.

Mama said share.