It’s been far too long! You all know this game by now… Time for another installment of “The Shiz My Boyfriend Says”!

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On G chat…

B:  dirty secret of today: I accidentally purchased a “luna” bar–the fitness bar made for women. I’m going to get my period and grow breasts!

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While watching True Blood, Sookie and Bill are getting it on…

B: Wait. What happens when they’re boning and she’s on the rag? I bet Bill loves that shit.

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On the couch, I look over to see him extracting something from his nose. The expression on his face is a killer combination of awe and horror.

B: What the… I just pulled a girl cat hair from my nose! That was horrible… it felt just like throwing up spaghetti, when it goes on forever and you keep pulling and feel it moving through your whole nostril!

Me: [Laughing too hard to breathe.]

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At home, looking in a mirror…

B: What the… what is this on my face?

Me: Oh, yeah, I saw that earlier. You have one really long hair sticking straight out under your eye.

B: You SAW it?? Why wouldn’t you tell me?

Me: Well, I thought maybe it was just a loose hair or something. Apparently not. Hey, you know how I have that one blonde hair in the middle of my back that grows like an inch long?? I think it’s back. Will you try to find it later?

B: NO. No I will not.

Me: If you loved me you’d do it!

B: Well, there you go. I must not love you. I knew we’d have this conversation at some point, I just didn’t know it’d be about your back hair.

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On the couch, B has BOTH cats in his lap.

B: Baby, will you get me a beer?

Me: [glaring]

B: What?? I’d totally do it, but I’m cat rich, bitch!

Me: I’ll get you a beer if you give me a cat.

B: Puff puff give, baby!

Me: ……….

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On the couch, again. (I know… shocking.)

B: I would rank your overall ideas in your life like this:

1. getting the kitties
2. finding Always Sunny
3. loving me.

Because they’re always cute, Always Sunny never lets you down, but I’ll admit I’m a little up and down here.

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Happy happy weekend, everyone! Don’t eat too much pumpkin out there.

***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

Steal this button and put it in your post just by copying and pasting the html code in the box below, or just link back to the hub with this link, so your readers can read ALLLLLLL the TMI glory, and I’ll make sure to link to you.***

Now get ready, my darlings, for the ever popular, yet gravely feared, TMI THURSDAYS…

One weekend when the girls were at my apartment for a playdate, we were having our normal gross talk comparing terrifying period tales, odd sexcapades, and the like. B was being a good sport and playing along, or at least not screaming in agony, which is pretty good for a guy.

Just as Maxie and I thought we’d reached the absolute pinnacle of grossocity… B suddenly looked over at our gaggle of girls from his safe zone of watching ESPN, and said THIS:

“That’s nothing.”

Wide-eyed, we turned and gazed at him, waiting with bated breath to hear what might be worse than reliving the variety of menstrual mishaps we’d experienced in our high school days.

He knew he had the room, and he milked it for a moment, looking each of us in the eye as the theme to Nickelodeon’s Are You Afraid of the Dark? began to play in the background. The TV suddenly went out, and the room grew ice cold as we huddled closer together- to keep the spirits away, of course.

“When I was in high school, I knew a boy…” B said in a hushed, dangerous voice. “He had a girlfriend that he was banging on the regular, which was a big deal in those days.”

We all nodded solemnly in acknowledgement.

“Well,” B knew he had us on the hook, and was enjoying every minute of it. “One day, we were all talking about whether or not we would have sex with a girl on her period. Some of us were for, some of us against… and then Steve spoke up…”

We nodded in unison. Who doesn’t know ‘that guy Steve’, after all? There’s one in every group.

“Steve told us that not only did they do it when Aunt Flo visited… he went DOWNTOWN when the crimson tide came in.”

“WHAT?!?!” We all jumped back, aghast! Never, never, never!

“And that’s not the best/worst part,” he whispered.

Surely there couldn’t be anything more horrible than THAT, we thought?

We were wrong.

“Before he dove into the Red Muff, he told us he would take two fingers on each hand… DIP them inside, like so-” He demonstrated in the air with a one-two punch- “And then streak them under his eyes, as he screamed,

‘WAR PAINT!!!’”

Step 2: Laugh at that sauce on your face!

Step 3: Let someone photograph that sauce on your face!

And that’s how you do WAR PAINT!

P.S. A word to the wise… DO NOT USE TOBASCO FOR THIS. A friend told me that it burns like the dickens.

Yeah, that’s right, dickens. Deal with it.

P.P.S. And by a friend, I mean me. No, really… I can still feel it.

Happy TMI Thursday! Don’t forget your war paint!

Other awesomely bad TMIs this week…

Maxie’s TMI Thursday: Just Can’t Get There

cavy’s TMI thursday: where do they learn this stuff?

Foggy Dew’s TMI Thursday: 175 mph

Just Playing Pretend’s TMIT- We Found Whistles!

Sebastian’s The blowback 69

Zan’s TMI Thursday: I’m a Little Ashamed of This, But Not More Than HE Should Be

mylittlebecky’s going green (TMIT)

Jassie’s TMI Thursday- Way To Eat Your Face Off

BigSis’ TMI Thursday: Substitution, Please

Mb’s TMI: on cougars, kittens, and being bad in bed

ClaireMMD’s tmi thursday: puking with jesus

Cora

’s TMI Thursday: Gee, I Hope This Doesn’t Come Back To Haunt Me If I Ever Run For President….

Gladys’ Teenaged Embarrassment for TMI THURSDAY

WickedCourtni’s TMIThursday: SBDBJ

Nikki’s TMI Thursday: Pubic Humiliation

Just A Girl’s TMI Thursday: The Hits Just Keep Coming

Cheddar’s TMI Thursday: Don’t Step in That

You, um, may notice something new about my page. Namely, that freaky countdown at the top right, where my dorky little face used to be.

That’s right, folks. I am THAT excited for the new season of True Blood. Judge if you must.

But when HBO announced they were coming out with a vampire show, no one was more skeptical than I.

(Which is odd, considering how obsessed I was with Christopher Pike’s “The Last Vampire” series as a tween.)

But it just seemed so cliche, what with the craziness surrounding the oh-so-immature Twilight series and movies. (Not that they aren’t enjoyable- I like some bloody teenager angst as much as the next person. But come on… no one actually thinks it’s a quality production, right?)

And I get it. Eternal life, the undead, remarkable power, the stories we’ve grown up with… no matter who you are, the teeniest part of your soul HAS to think, “Well… these myths must have come from somewhere…” Vampire stories hold for us an incredible combination of fear and lust; the allure is not so hard to understand, really.

But still, I was skeptical.

And then I saw the opening credits.

And skeptical became intrigued.

Frankly, I’ve never seen such a deliciously haunting introduction… I’ve never quite so much enjoyed the sensation of my skin crawling.

And so I thought, “Blood, sex, and HBO, huh? This might be worth a shot.”

And it is fucking SEXY.

The lead actor, Stephen Moyer, is freaking goddamn amazing. In fact, they ALL are. There is not a single character that annoys me; I am constantly re-deciding who my favorite is. There is raw and honest homosexuality, a powerful portrayal of bigotry that could mirror any issue we struggle with today, and Jimmy James. There is the loss of innocence, of virginity, and of morality.

Most of all, there is love that, as Richard The Seeker would say, “transcends all barriers.” (It’s less corny if he says it and not me. No? Shuttup.)

My point is, don’t write this show off in your mind by associating it with Twilight.

These vampires don’t fucking glitter.

(And after all, these are the people who brought us Kenny Powers, no?)

June 14th… who’s bringing the popcorn?

Extra garlic, please.