Livit, Luvit » someone else made a funny

MTV TJ Challenge 4: Get Aziz Ansari to Follow You on Twitter.

LiLu — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 16:07:13 +0000

Well, okay. That’s not EXACTLY what they said… but it’s how I’m taking it.

My love of Aziz knows no bounds. He IS the show Parks & Rec (step aside, The Office, there’s a new kid in town), his stand up is ridiculous, and he hosted with the mosted at MTV’s Movie Awards last month.

When tickets for his show here in DC in September (SO CLOSE!!! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!) went on sale, I bought SIX faster than a Delorean can travel through time. Or something.

I mean, seriously. Resistance is futile, ladeeeeeeeeeeez:

See to believe:

Excuse me… I just lizzed myself.

Okay, SO! Here’s what I need you to do to help me win this challenge by getting the coolest celeb follower around town:

Tweet the following, (or get creative if you want!) Let’s blow up my brown hero’s timeline so that HE can’t resist following ME!!!!

@azizansari – Will you be @LivitLuvit’s Kanye West and follow her on Twitter? Help her become the first @MTVTJ!

You guys have been AMAZING, and we’re almost there… we can do this!!!!

UPDATE: WE DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But our work’s not done! The more the better, so get on the tweet and tell YOUR favorite celeb why they should follow me! I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

If B Didn’t Exist, I Would Move to LA and Marry Rahul Immediately.

LiLu — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 12:33:26 +0000

(Love you, B. But come on. The man wrote me a song.)

I give you, from Rahul over at I Wear T-Shirts…Sometimes, the greatest musical performance of all time.

Lyrics:

What does lilu dream of,
when she writes a pretty funny tweet
Does she think of Dj Pauly
or a You Tube reference thats sweet

Don’t you worry all you twitter peeps
She’s going to write you something witty even if it comes to in her sleep
the she’s gonna go and hashtag it up
and then we’re gonna retweet and make it lots of fun

if she’s not the next MTV TJ

Then we’ll go and get drunk!

Thanks, Rahul. I’m at work right now and I totally just lizzed myself.

WORTH IT.

Freedom Friday! Like With French Fries 6 Years Ago. But With Blog. Or Something.

LiLu — Fri, 02 Jul 2010 12:27:54 +0000

Hey there, cowboy! Get ready, cause I’m about to crack an egg of knowledge all over your head.

And by “knowledge” I mean pure, unadulterated awesome.

My father is to thank for sending me this shitshow of awkward-yet-mind-blowing-hilariousity I’m about to drop on you…

It really is no surprise where I came from, is it?

Happy long weekend 4th of July, poodlekins! If that video’s not freaking American, I don’t know what is.

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Hey! Have you tweeted yet today? (If you don’t know what this is about, please to clicky here!)

Follow @LivitLuvit, my favorite contestant in the @MTVTJ search for MTV’s first Twitter Jockey! #zyncmtvtj

(Feel free to get creative, the above suggestion is just for your copy & paste convenience. Cause I’m good like that.)

The actual VOTING will start on July 7, and it will be via Facebook. (I know, the irony…) Anyway! You will only get to have to vote once, so make sure we’re Facebook friends and I’ll send ya a reminder! WOOT!!!

People I Would Like to Personally Thank For Being Chemically Imbalanced.

LiLu — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 14:02:08 +0000

Liza Minnelli, living legend, aspiration for drag queens everywhere, and putting Beyonce to shame with her “Single Ladies” rendition in SATC2.

One of my most favoritest crazy birds in the world. From Arrested Development to making Michael Jackson the best man at her fourth wedding to her brilliant Snickers commercial with Betty White, this diva just won’t quit, and I freaking love it.

But last night on Kathy Griffin’s premiere, the montage of Liza’s laugh… well… I guess you just had to be there. Nonetheless, this chick has been crazypants through the ages, and I just plain adore her for it.

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Britney Spears, just plain being Britney Spears.

She hasn’t even done anything that batshit lately, but let’s be honest, she’ll forever have an honorary place on this list for our generation. Like 9/11 and Katrina, so too will this horrifying image forever be etched into our minds:

Oh, Brit Brit. Please stop procreating. Xoxo, LiLu

Although apparently she has just been accused of “physical harassing” of one of her bodyguards… by nakedness.

Never a dull moment with you, chica.

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Kelly Bensimon, Real Housewives of New York.

This one can’t really be explained in words. Mostly because she doesn’t know how to use them. At least, not in coherent sentences.

Listen, lady friend… when Bethenny Frankel pities you, you’ve pretty much hit rock bottom. But never fear… I’m sure Dr. Drew’s already got a room prepped for you on Celebrity Rehab.

Wow. Just… WOW.

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Megan Fox, Passion Play, kicked off of Transformers, and new possessor of a “tribute to Mickey Rourke” tattoo.

I almost didn’t include her, because I’ve always felt she’s so desperately trying to be old-school Angelina (you know, Billy Bob Thornton boning, vial-of-his-blood carrying, make out with your brother Angelina). But then I saw faux-Mickey’s tweet re: the tattoo, and frankly, it’s worth it just to share that:

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Miley “I’m Not Trying To Be A Slut” Cyrus, Hannah Montana, musical artist, and posing all sexy-like with her dad.

It's Miley!

“I’m really comfortable with my body,” she says. “I feel more comfortable dressing with a little less, which is just how I’ve always been. Now I’m able to do that a little more freely and, also, I’ve just grown up to be this way too.”

via Zap 2 it

At least it's a onesie?

That’s fine, little lady. I honestly have no problem with a gal wanting to whore it up every once in a while; every girl has her “promiscuous year” in college. (Except me, Mom. What’s a penis?)

All I’m asking is that you OWN it. Go all Xtina: The Dirty Years on us! Stop worrying about what everyone thinks and just admit you’re slutting it up for a while, even if it is only musically.

Can’t cheat on daddy, after all.

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Danielle Staub, Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Every week, I think this crazy ass bitch can’t get any crazier. And every week, bless her heart, she proves me so very, very wrong. To the point where I took a “Which Real Housewife of New Jersey are you?” quiz, and B told me, quite seriously, that if I got Danielle… we were through.

Honestly, I wouldn’t even blame him. (No worries, I’m Dina, apparently. Though I kind of see myself as more of a Caroline. *shrugs*)

Just watch as much as you can stomach… you’ll get the idea.

Danielle, I hereby crown you Crazy Ass Bitch of the month. We salute you!

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Honorary mentions: Speidi and the Gosselins, who have blessedly somehow disappeared from the news lately. Maybe there’s hope for your souls yet!

…NAHHHHHHHHHH.

TMI Thursday: The Grand Finale tear

LiLu — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 13:17:43 +0000

***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

Steal this button and put it in your post just by copying and pasting the html code in the box below, or just link back to the hub with this link, so your readers can read ALLLLLLL the TMI glory, and I’ll make sure to link to you.***

Now get ready, my darlings, for the ever popular, yet gravely feared, TMI THURSDAYS…

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Ladies and gents, it is with great sadness (and a lot of little relief) that I give you the last Official TMI Thursday. It’s been a great ride, y’all. And I do intend to bring back the occasional TMIT Post Secret Style- those were just too good to let go of.

But henceforth, my crazy tales of embarrassment and horrifying mishaps will occur wherever, whenever they happen on this lil’ blog, and no longer be chained to the ox that is (every) Thursday.

It seems only fitting to combine our other favorite topic round these parts, The Shiz My Boyfriend Says, for the TMIT Grand Finale.

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While sitting on the couch…

B: So today, I realized the absolute worst thing you could do to a person.

Me: Do tell.

B: The worst thing you can do: poop in someone’s dryer… and then turn it on. It gets so hot! You could never clean that up. You’d have to throw your dryer away!

Me: Busy day at work, huh?

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Axe Murderer is sitting on the windowsill, cat-barking at the birds outside.

B: Get them! Get those evil birds!

She promptly jumps down and enters the litter box.

B: Oh. Well, she’s poopin’ right now. Get ‘em after you’re done poopin’, girl cat! You’ll be more agile after you lose weight!

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While sitting on the couch, B starts to get up…

Me: What do you need? I’ll get it for you, sweetheart.

B: I need some POOPING!! You gonna do that for me?!?

Me: Have at it, hoss.

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Talking to B while he’s in the bathroom…

B: I can’t hear you, baby! My peein’s too loud!

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A different kind of “TMI”…

While watching “Aladdin” this weekend, we *may* have broken out into song… together. And yes, it was “A Whole New World.” OBVY.

Me: I sang that song in chorus in high school. That’s why I know all the words…

B: I’m just a gay.

Me: Fair enough.

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Giddyup, y’all… and thanks for all the fantastic too-much-infomations. It’s been swell.

*tear*

Other awesomely bad TMIs this week…

Maxie’s TMI Thursday: Out with a Bang

cavy’s TMI Thursday: Overflowin’

That Kind of Girl’s TKOG Who frolics naked for all to see (TMI Thursday)

In It To Gym It’s TMI Thursday: *blush*

Carissa Jade’s The Final TMI Thursday: I Bait My Own Hook (In-ur-endo) (That’s what she said)

MJenks’ TMI Thursday: Snowball

E’s TMI Thursday ~ The Pink One

Lauren’s The Great Butt Debate-TMI Thursday

P’s TMI THURSDAY: WHY I SHOULD REMEMBER WHERE I AM AND ACT ACCORDINGLY . . .

Dani’s TMI Thursday: When you’ve not got a story of your own just borrow a dear friend’s…

OG’s A Crazy Beating – My first and last TMI Post

Cammy’s TMI Thursday: My Slut Phase

Adam L’s TMI Thursday: I Thought You Left!

T. The Destructor’s TMI Thursday–Why alcohol should never come in a two liter size

Ella Unread’s You know what they say…’A place’s heart is where its bathroom is at”

Kate’s TMI Thursday – The End of a (Gross) Era

miss*H’s TMI Thursday: The one with the dead people

BigSis’ TMIT: O Captain! My Captain!

Liebchen’s What I learned from TMIs (in a good way)

Eleni’s TMI Thursday: Indonesian Cuisine

Rachel’s TMI Thursday: Ladies do not fart

Mary’s TMIT: *Shudder*

Heather’s TMI Thursday: Golden Shower

shine’s TMI Thursday – But…I’m RIGHT HERE.

Liz in Life’s TMI Thursday: I lied

Kara’s TMI Thursday

Paprika’s TMI Thursday: Hot doctor, Blood, and Tush

Bev’s TMI Thursday: When my boobs were not sexy

Torn’s TMI Thursday (LiLu’s Last)—Spicing it up–My “Balls Out” TMI

ClevelandPoet’s TMI Thursday: The one that really burned her ass

Singlegrrrl’s Two for one: TMI and Thankful Thursday. You’re welcome.

Emil’s TMI Thursdays: The Poop, It Is Stealthy And Deadly Like Ninja

Lisa’s TMI Thursday – The Last of a Good Run

Insomniac Lolita’s TMI Thursday Finale : The Bet That Reeks

Kernut’s Sex in Carson City: My Trip to The Brothels

sherryrose’s TMIT: the first and the last

jessica o’s TMI Thursday & Something to Clean It Up

Cheddar’s TMI Thursday: I’m Going to Hell

Jeney Peney’s TMI Thursday – You think explaining a hickey is awkward?

Mikael’s TMIT- A Sneaky Leak

Andy’s TMI Thursday.

Tabitha’s Pepe lePew: the final (official) edition of TMI Thursday

amber murphy’s tmi thursday: in which we share the love

Wendy’s TMI Thursday: Going With Out a Bang

citygirlblog’s Dirty Talk – Pet Peeves

Wonderful’s TMI Thursday: Blame it on the dog

Courtney’s TMI Thursday: The Funeral Addition

Zan’s The Final Frontier…of TMI Thursday *tear*

Drink With Me Next Wednesday! (I Know, Shocking)

LiLu — Fri, 02 Apr 2010 13:58:10 +0000

Hey all! It’s been far too long since I tipped back a beer with many of you, so in true LiLu form, I’m here to fix that.

On Wednesday (the 7th), Tonic in Columbia Heights (about 2 blocks from the metro; map here) is throwing a Cherry Blossom-themed Happy Hour to benefit Global Youth for Education and Change, a non-profit in South Africa that provides food, clothing and general care to children impacted by the HIV/AIDS pandemic. No cover charge and drink specials galore- what more could you want?

If you can come, RSVP here and let me know I’ll be seeing your pretty face! I know the bartender personally and she’s a doll among dolls.

That got weird.

But seriously, I hope you can make it. I’ll have my bells on. Or a boa. Or something equally ridiculous.

Now scroll down for your Friday happiness…

Keep going…

TOLD YOU.

Happy weekend, lovebugs!

TMI Thursday: In Which the Word “Waterlogged” Is Ruined For Me

LiLu — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 12:55:00 +0000

Now get ready, my darlings, for the ever popular, yet gravely feared, TMI THURSDAYS…

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{This here is a guest post from one of my ever so generous readers who couldn’t post it on her own blog, but knew I’d give it a good home… take it away, Kris!}

“I practice yoga, pretty much daily. I love it. It is so much of who I am and all that I wish to be.

But without getting all transcendentally enlightened on your collective asses this morning, I would like to tell you a little story about a particular yoga practice I had, many years ago.

I was in my friend’s studio, taking her class, which I do weekly. During this class, we were doing inversions. Handstands, shoulder stands and headstands. Now, once we were up in headstand and comfortable enough, my teacher/friend encouraged us all to try moving our legs around, whilst standing on our heads. Some girls crossed their legs, some went into full lotus, and some stayed just as they were.

I decided to make a big ol’ V shape with my legs. Man, it felt great! I hung out like that for awhile, feeling the stretch and the challenge, taking in the pose and all that…. Then, naturally, as all the blood was in my body was now pooled into my face, rendering me as red-faced as Chef Ramsay when someone overcooks lamb chops, I figured I needed to come down out of it. Slowly, I brought my legs back together, lowered them down and came out of headstand, finally resting in child’s pose for a few seconds.

Then I rolled over onto my back. That’s when it happened.

I queefed.

I queefed long and loud. I queefed like there was no tomorrow. My vagina did her finest impression of a waterlogged tuba.

The fundamental difference between queefs and farts is this: You can totally hold in a fart.

And everyone heard. One sly bitch even gave me the side eye and a smirk, letting me know that she knew it was no ordinary fart.

I guess the ol’ Love Tunnel gasped for air during the pose.

Suffice it to say, I don’t attempt that variation anymore….”

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Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!! Oh wait… I just realized B and I are doing yoga tonight. Uh oh…

Other awesomely bad TMIs this week…

Mary’s TMIT: Self Love

moooooog’s The Time I Went to a Gay Bar – (A TMI Thursday)

Imerika’s TMI Thursday: The Night I was a Stripper

That Kind of Girl’s A Plan B is NEVER an excuse for no Plan A (TMI Thursday guest post by TKOG’s Mom)

Heather’s TMI Thursday: The Pee Pee Dance

grilledcheeseandketchup’s TMI Thursday #3: I Am Not A Sex Toy

Aurora’s TMI: An Officer, not a Gentleman

miss*H’s TMI Thursday: The one where I missed the bin

Carissa Jade’s Guest Post–TMI Thursday: The Worst Hook-Up EVER

Wendy’s TMI Thursday: Lost in translation

Living Wicked’s TMIThursday: Rhymes With Perp.

Just Linda’s That toilet is judging me!!!

Spleen’s the box of hate. (TMI Thursday)

Adam L’s TMI Thursday: A Skin Condition That Will Really Grow On You

shine’s TMI Thursday – My Vagina is Grounded

Cleveland Poet’s TMI THURSDAY: Enter the Gob Knobbler

MJenks’ TMI Thursday: And Then She Did the Dishes

Bev’s TMI Thursday: Karma is a Bitch named Curtiss

schmittastic’s TMI Thursday: March Madness + Green Poop = Day after St. Patrick’s Day

Lucy’s TMI Thursday: A life lesson, one of many!

Tami G’s TMI Thursday.. all the “WTF mom!” embarassment you ever dreamed of…

BigSis’ TMI Thursday: Second Date Sex

Kathy’s TMI Thursday has made it to Everyday Bliss — PETA members and Rat phobics beware!

Just A Girl’s TMI Thursday: I wish I never had to write this one

ClaireMontgomeryMD’s tmi thursday: dear tampax

P’s TMI THURSDAY: “SNOT” MUCH OF A TMI . . . BUT IT *IS* ABOUT SNOT!

Mirella McCracken’s Profiling the good, bad and ugly bloggers. Trashing other bloggers on a Thursday afternoon.

Insomniac Lolita’s TMI Thursday : Going Au Naturale

amber murphy’s TMI Thursday: in which I ask rhetorical questions

City Girl’s Coke in my hoo-ha

Ellen’s Has someone gone TMI-crazy on you?

The Shiz My Boyfriend Says, Volume XXIV

LiLu — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 14:34:29 +0000

You all know this game by now. Time for another installment of “The Shiz My Boyfriend Says.” Woot!

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Watching the cats, which are about a year old now (!).

B: Are they going to get bigger?

Me: Maybe a little bit, but no, this is pretty much it.

B: Goddamm it! I wanted giant cats!

Me: The hell? You said you were sad when they got bigger!

B: I either wanted tiny cats or HUGE cats! Not medium sized!

Me: ……….

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While watching “Fringe“…

B: Wouldn’t it suck if your son died and you stole a new one from another dimension and then HE died?

Me: Well, couldn’t you just get another from another dimension?

B: It’s not that easy!

Me: You don’t know that.

B: I’ve done it twice already.

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Sitting on the couch…

B: I’m gonna go get my poop on. Oh wait… we’re out of toilet paper. Never mind.

Me: You’re not going to poop because there’s no TP? We have paper towels.

B: Nah…. I went earlier today. Not worth it. It’s not a diarrhea or anything.

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B looks up from the Medieval-ish book he’s reading, A Game of Thrones.

B: I want a Direwolf!

Me: Qué?

B: It’s a wolf as big as a horse.

Me: But what about the kitties?

B: Well it wouldn’t eat US or the kitties… only other people! [Dumbfounded] You don’t want this?!

Me: Baby, we didn’t get a DOG because we don’t have room.

B: Well, YEAH, but what if size didn’t matter? What if we had a farm??

Me: Well… can I ride it?

B: Of COURSE you can fucking ride it! Don’t be an ijit! I mean, look at Murray. He’s cute and all, but he’s so SMALL. And how many throats has he ripped out? NONE!!

Me: ……….

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Happy weekend, y’all!

B Tells You What To Do With Your Life, Part III

LiLu — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 14:01:15 +0000

Hey kids, it’s time for a third round of responses to B’s new advice column!

(Past editions here, or for more B, check out “The Shiz My Boyfriend Says” here.)

Things to know:

I have in no way read his responses. Like at all. I lit-rally just copied and pasted here. So, uh… yeah. This should be interesting.
I’m scared. (See above.)

And away we go!

Spleeness: If someone’s new date takes them to a surprise concert, should their musical taste be considered, thus ruining the surprise? Another question: how would guys celebrate Valentine’s day if they could do it anyway they wanted? Would it still involve chocolate?

I think a surprise concert date is a pretty cool idea. So 10 points to him! However, if the actual concert blows and his musical tastes are awful that’s a quick minus 9 points. Clearly a net gain. However he could have enjoyed the same benefits if he bought you a nice bottle of wine/movie and not disclosed his love of American Idol’s Fantasia. If a guy could celebrate Valentine’s day any way they wanted they would not celebrate it at all. Fact. And that non-descript day would probably involve beer rather than chocolate.

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Amanda: If a guy is telling a girl that he loves her, misses her, wants to be with her, but the guy is dating another girl, what IS his deal? Is he worth waiting around for?

I am afraid the obvious answer here is NO! If he loves this girl, misses her, and wants to be with her he WOULD be with her. That said, I clearly know nothing about your specific situation. Perhaps there are mitigating factors that suggest you should be a little patient. But I doubt it.

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Nikki: if a girl was going to propose to her boyfriend, what kind of proposal would knock his socks off?

I wonder what the protocol of a woman to man proposal is? For instance, should she call up his mom and ask permission? I don’t know (probably not). From what I can tell, the driving force behind a big over-the-top proposals is so that woman can recite to everyone she knows what an amazing spectacle it was thus proving that she has the greatest fiancé in the world (I write fiancé because, without exception, she will say that word no less than 7.6 times a sentence). Can you imagine a guy doing the same thing:

SCENE:

IN: PETE’S LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Six guys sitting in PETE’S living room drinking beers around a folding table playing poker.

PETE: So, as I was saying, as the sun set across the ocean, we road our horses along the beach. Bob, you can just picture my face when, off to the right, I notice a white linen tent pitched ahead of us – and no one around for miles.

Bob lets out a squeal as he lunges to hug Pete, spilling his beer in the process.

BOB: Ohmygod! Oh. My. God. I knew she was going to pop the question during your trip to Bermuda! Tell him Raphael, I called it didn’t I!

PETE: Well, I’m glad at least one of us was surprised! As we got closer, she helped me off my horse and pointed for me to look up across the ocean. What do I see? A plane– trailing the message: “Pete, I love you! Will you marry me – Sara.”

All the men in the room clap and high five one another. Rob shotguns a beer in celebration.

PETE: When I turned back around there she was–down on one knee–with the most gorgeous wedding band you’ve ever seen!

END SCENE

My point is, I imagine what would really “knock his socks off” is something that is truly from the heart. Tell him why you want to marry him (he’s wonderful presumably) and why spend the rest of your life with him (fill in the blank).

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Sherryrose: Should the sex be had on a first date to find out if the whole mess is worth a second date? or should the third date rule be followed? seems like it would be a shame to get to the third date, tag it, and find out you were wasting your time on the other two dates… (either way…if it’s good you should have been having more of the sex, if it’s bad, you should have been long gone).

I am a very very firm believer that most dating “rules” are utterly stupid. Use some common sense of course—don’t call the person 6 times the day after meeting—but waiting 73.5 hours is just as dumb. That said, there is an unfortunate double standard when it comes to men banging on the first night and women banging on the first night. I guess it depends on your read of the guy: If you like him enough (or think he’s hot enough) to bang – have at it regardless of the number of dates. If the sex is awful or he’s judgmental then at least you won’t waste any more time. But always remember – wrap it up.

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That Kind of Girl: If you’re at a bar with a jukebox and only one dollar, what song is the most likely to start a spontaneous singalong?

It will vary by bar and regionally. Boston (and anywhere there are asshole Red Sox bandwagoners: Sweet Caroline—Neil Diamond. Texas (and at line dancing bars: Save A Horse, Ride a Cowboy—Big and Rich. Gay Bars: Tiny Dancer – Elton John. There are a only few songs that will work regardless of location: anything by Michael Jackson, and the Ghostbuster’s Theme Song. Who you gonna call? GHOSTBUSTERS!

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Kelly: So B… I was wondering what the protocol for staying in touch with an ex that already has a new g/f. Do guys want to keep in touch with there exes? is friendship really attainable post-break-up? I get that his new g/f would not be a fan of our friendship, but is there a way to make this transition easier?

My advice is not to keep in touch. At all. Especially if this was a recent breakup.

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MsDarkstar: Dear B, who in your household takes care of kitty waste related chores? In my household it’s me & I just want to know if it’s a dude thing to not change/scoop kitty boxes. And, you’re a dude, so I am getting your opinion. Thanks!

LiLu: For some reason, my darling dear missed this question, but I will tell you here and now that while it was SUPPOSED to be 100% my duty, as part of the contract for letting me even get the cats he was allergic to… he now will absolutely help out in that department. A good egg, I tell ya… a good egg.

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You wanted more B, you’ve got him, my friends! Ask your questions here for Round 4 of Life Advice from B.

Hodge Podge of Happiness, Viral Style

LiLu — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 14:45:23 +0000

The videos that made me happy in my pants this week.

This is bootleg, BUT SO WORTH IT. From Tosh.O last night…

Next up, this one is… decent. But it was really B’s commentary after he showed it to me that made it:

me: weak
B: i liked it.
me: it’s the same thing for a whole minute!
B: yeah, but its a dog. on a trampoline.
dog + trampoline = smile.

So, I one-upped him with this gem CarissaJaded sent me. WIN.

Also? We’ve decided we need some balloons in our apartment, STAT.

And finally, by now we’ve all seen the “Epic Oakland Bus Fight: White vs. Black,” yes?

But you probably haven’t seen this…

Happy Friday!

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P.S. Ollie’s Place, a NYC no-kill animal shelter, is going through a rough time financially. If you can spare even a few dollars, every little bit helps! Do it for the furbabies! Donate here.

TMI Thursday: Clint Eastwood Would’ve Lost This Stand Off

LiLu — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 13:26:50 +0000

Now get ready, my darlings, for the ever popular, yet gravely feared, TMI THURSDAYS…

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A couple days ago, am email from a dear friend- who shall remain anonymous- popped up in my inbox with the ever so simple title, “TMI.”

Uh oh.

And, my friends… it did not disappoint.

So a couple of my friends are taking these weight loss/multi vitamin supplements that they absolutely swear by. I’m always skeptical of these things (for obvious reasons), but they talked my ear off for a good 20 minutes till I finally caved and said I’d try them and my friend gave me enough for 3 days.

Then came the warning. The first day you take them, they said, you’d have massive amounts of energy… and at 3PM on the dot, be near a bathroom. Trust us, your stomach will rumble and you will have seconds to get to a bathroom.

Ok, how bad can it be? Considering I’m not the most regular of people, I figured this might actually be a good thing for my digestive system.

The next day I take them in the morning, and lo and behold my appetite is diminished and I have a lot of energy, and as predicted at 3PM my stomach started rumbling. I ran to the bathroom and took one of the most massive and loudest poops of my life. I mean I was in that bathroom for at least 30 minutes.

The second day, I took them again, and again at 3PM big poo, but less… intense.. than the day before.

The next day was a Monday. I was a bit concerned about having to poo at work, but my hall is pretty quiet so I figured there was no fear. At 2:45 my stomach starts to rumble. I was in the middle of something urgent and started to get concerned but I made it to the bathroom. I get there, run to the last stall and, thankfully, I’m alone. You never realize how loud a poop is until you’re in an office bathroom praying no one comes in. I was almost done, and very quiet, when someone came in. She, whoever she was, takes the first stall and immediately starts farting and pooping simultaneously. The noises coming out of this woman (like the noises I was likely making not 2 days before) were worthy of a movie. Like the battleship scene in Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle.

I wasn’t finished, but I couldn’t just get up either. That’s when I realized because I’d been so quiet up till then she must’ve thought she was alone.

Then came the stand off.

We were both trying to hold it for several minutes waiting to see what the other would do. Considering I’d been there longer, I had the lead so I quickly finished my business and got up washed my hands and ran out of there as fast as I could without even glancing in her stall’s direction.

So yeah, definitely TMI.

And, once I stopped laughing, my response…

Hahahaha!!!!!!!! Amazing! I had a stand off of my own today, actually, but nothing that drastic.

And I totally won.

But then I realized I was wearing ZEBRA flats, so if she so much as peeked… I’m done for.

Happy TMI Thursday, y’all. Don’t forget to check out my round up on DC Blogs today!

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Other awesomely bad TMIs this week…

That Kind of Girl guest posting on Rebel Mel’s: The Least Hygienic Hook-Up Ever (and how it made me momentarily internet-famous)

imerika’s TMI Thursday: The Night I Broke My Boyfriend’s Penis

Carissa Jade’s TMI Thursday: My P-phone and how I lost it

Stephanie’s TMI Thursday: When Friends Share EVERYTHING!

Sebastian’s Why men pick their nose (an ‘exploratory’ video)

miss*H’s TMI Thursday: The one where my knickers got wet…

LivingWicked’s TMIThursday: Of COURSE You Are Hot.

Spleen’s TMI Thursday: NO frontal nudity! I promise.

Floreta’s How To Eat a Baby Duck Fetus

Adam L’s TMI Thursday: The Joys of Running Part III: The Black Badge of Courage

Wife & Blog’s TMI Thursday: My Monthly Cycles

Travis’ TMI Thursday: Yes I HAVE Almost Broken Both Legs While Masturbating.

Bev’s TMI Thursday: It’s Raining Men

Hey Smalls’ TMI Thursday: VOM

Just Linda’s Give Me ‘Pause (menopause, that is)

Heather’s TMI Thursday: Barf-O-Rama!

Cleveland Poet’s TMI THURSDAY: That’s not a urinal cake

Lisa’s TMI Thursday – Something in the Air

Kate’s TMI Thursday – Occupational Hazards

MJenks’ TMI Thursday: Mid-Morning Wood

Torn’s TMI Thursday

Pat’s TMI Thursday – The “Ins” and “Outs” of an Ultra Sound

The Sassy Seminarian’s TMI Thursday: Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go…tomorrow?

Sharky’s TMI Thursday: I hope my kids are cute.

Vittoria’s TMIT: I’m not pregnant!

confessor69’s TMI Thursday: When You Get the Job In Spite of Your Pee-Suit

Lucy’s TMI Thursday: Family Dinner

Amy’s TMI Thursday: Thongs vs. Panty Line

Cammy’s TMI Thursday: He Pushed my Head Down

Dominick Bonny’s TMI Thursday: Am I racist?

Jeney Peney’s TMI Thursday – Holy Crap

Five Hundred Fucking Posts?? Well Hot Damn, Let’s Have a Roast!!!

LiLu — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 14:24:24 +0000

Last week, I glanced at my wordpress dashboard and something caught my eye.

Posts: 493

Wait. What? That must be counting, like, 100 drafts, right??

Nope. It is true, my friends. Today marks the day I have poisoned the interwebs with my drivel Five. Hundred. Times.

After I got over the initial shock, it dawned on me that something clearly must to be done in order to celebrate this ridiculous and entirely self-asborbed milestone.

A BLOG ROAST!!!!!!!!!!

After all, I spend so much time on here making fun of MYSELF… let’s give you all a chance for once, eh?

So a few of my closest friends and bloggy cohorts have given us these Roasty Tidbits so we can have a big old laugh at all things LiLu.

Thank you so much, each and every one of you who wrote something below, all of you who comment around these parts, every last one of you who reads. This place has become one of my favorites in the world, and it’s truly all because of YOU.

Here’s to another (God help us) 500…

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Roast! Roast! Roast!

Let’s All Make Fun of LiLu!

(If only we had Christopher Walken to MC.)

Let’s kick it off…

brad:

“Things I know you know I know you know (aka FACTS):

I don’t like cats, but I’m cool with Axe Murderer and Murray. So, obviously, they’re not actually cats. And I’d appreciate it if you and B stopped with the lies and just admitted that you found a pair of growth-stunted dogs that are fluent in purring.

Don’t worry: you will never be a cat lady. But if I’m reading the Washington Post 10 years from now and see that you and B are basically the Angelina and Brad of growth-stunted-dogs-pawned-off-as-cats, traveling country to country, adopting animals with identity crises, let’s just say I won’t be surprised.

You dance like Forrest Gump with the leg braces on.

I don’t like food that has been seasoned with poop. But even though I ate at the housewarming when you fought the beast and were elbow deep in your toilet’s exit hole before you made the food, I never once thought about not going back. So either I’m a broken, broken man, or you are worth risking some surprise fiber in the chili.

Congratulations.”

Lexa:

“Lilu once made me go see Year One…where they eat feces. That is all.”

cavy:

“From bathroom humor, crazy boy stories, and a love of both alcohol and karaoke (preferably in combination with each other), I can honestly say that you are one of the most unique people I’ve ever encountered. And by unique, I mean very similar to me.

In honor of your 500th, I’m placing this fantasy in your hands. Use it well.”

Lizzy:

“In our year of friendship, Lilu has given me a lot. A vibrator. A virtual, and then real, shoulder to cry on. A badass new website. Hours of inappropriate laughter. So, I love her…but I’m going to have to expose her. You guys think she’s all funny funny cat lady with the cute boyfriend, but before that? Lilu was a FASHION blogger. (The crowd shudders) Yes, people. Go back to the archives. I dare you. Almost every post ended with some shoe porn. So I’m here to say, bring back the mother effing shoes, hooker.”

Moog:

“LiLu and B – so in love you always want to tell them to “GET A ROOM.” Then you realize that they actually DO have a room but it’s full of stupid fucking cats.

LiLu is like the blogger I aspire to be: funny, friendly, and has a vagina. I love vaginas. SO jealous. But then, if I had one, I wouldn’t have time to blog. You know, with all the masturbating and sticking vegetables in it and stuff.

LiLu has been like the sister I never had. I guess that makes B the brother I never had. Which makes me picturing them having sex like some weird Kentucky home movie. Especially with me in the middle. FYI, B is packing and doesn’t like to lube up when he goes backdoor. I wish I never had a brother.”

lacochran:

“Congratulations to the only chick I know who works to make you feel comfortable while she shares details about blow jobs. Shine on you crazy diamond. Love ya!”

Marie:

“She loves hard – especially her man – and lives life to the fullest – especially in bed.

You give her specific instructions for how to make and drink a certain type of extremely strong alcohol. But since she’s already had too much firefly, she’s downed the entire beverage in mid-explanation.

LiLu, my dear, you are a wonderful and unique individual. Let’s keep it that way shall we?”

Maxie:

“Thank god the 20sb Award LiLu won for “blogger I’d most like to get a drink with” was phrased in the singular form. The girl can’t stay up past 10:00 to save her life, let alone to have 2.”

Narm:

“LiLu is to blogging what beastiality is to internet porn. She is funny and shocking but I also have to delete my history before Mom finds out.

500 posts – and at least four of them didn’t have a TWSS joke! It’s like they just come naturally (TWSS).

Thanks to the “TMI Thursday” series it is quicker to just ask bloggers where they HAVEN’T shit themselves. It has turned the internet into one big menstruation play-by-play. Are you there, God, it’s me, THE ENTIRE FUCKING INTERNET.

Congrats on 500 posts!”

Shoebox Dweller:

“Once upon a time, a broken hearted woman wrote a message, slipped it into a bottle, and set it gently upon the water. Giving voice to her grief made her feel better, and so she continued writing, setting the words free.

Day after day, she watched the bottles drift away, destination unknown.

One day, she woke up and was amazed to find a bottle washed up on shore. She nervously unrolled the message, and read the words:

“I hear you. You are stronger and braver than you know, and I hear you.”

Words can make us laugh, sometimes so hard that we think we will burst. Words can make us cry, for our own sorrows and those of others we have never met.

Words bring people together who would otherwise never meet, for reasons of geography or age or any other divisive reason.

It’s been an honour to be a part of your life, your home, and most of all, to be part of the incredible community that you have created. Your creativity and humour brings people together, and that is a rare gift indeed.”

Jenn:

“When I first met LiLu at #pbtuna back in October, I was all nervous and intimidated and scared and “what if she hates me?!” I mean, come on people. The girl writes about poop at least once a week. What if I was too white bread because I kept my bowel movements to myself? Can you really blame someone for that sort of discretion?

Well kids, I’m going to let you in on a little top secret state secret. That girl who writes about farts and named her cat Axe Murderer? SHE’S A TOTAL SOFTIE.

That’s right. Total softie. Have you read her archives from when she first met B? (*cough* I’m a stalker *cough*). She’s quite lovable, this one.

Unless you’re a freak in a bar who won’t stop talking to her or her friends, in which case you should brace yourself because all that shit she keeps talking about? It’s coming straight for your face.”

Alexa:

“four words: penis shaped ice luge. i love you girl, and congrats on making it to 500! being the blog rockstar that you are, you’ll be hitting 1,000 before we know it. xoxo”

That Kind of Girl:

“One of the most incredible things about Lilu is how hard she works to make sure she individually welcomes every single person to the internet. Girlfriend’s such a comment whore she has to wear latex gloves when she types. Who among us hasn’t wondered how she has the friggin’ time to be a patron saint of and treasured friend to bloggers everywhere?

Pro tip: she saves time by forcing B to generate half of her posts. Can’t you just see him, locked in the bathroom, one cat duct-taped to each arm while Lilu force feeds him tequila and laxatives. “Come on, baby, next Thursday’s post won’t write itself. Give me two more cat jokes and one poop story, then we can negotiate your couch privileges…”

Completely worth it, Lilu (and hang in there, B — keep saying shiz, lest she feed you to Axie!). We love your blog, dude, and we love you.”

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***This idea inspired by my dear friend Katherine’s genius post a year ago- thanks for letting my blatantly steal it. XOXO***

Your Weekend Dose of the AWESOME SAUCE, V1

LiLu — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 04:57:04 +0000

So, I know I’ve been slacking on the Weekend Doses of Fugly. What can I say, life happens.

BUT during the commercials before Avatar tonight (my 140-character thoughts on that subject are here and here),

THIS happened.

I guffawed, people. GUFFAWED.

Well played, Old Spice.

Well. PLAYED.

***Don’t forget “Life Advice from B” questions are still live. Ask ‘em now!***

The Shiz My Boyfriend Says, Volume XXIII

LiLu — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 15:24:55 +0000

You all know this game by now. Time for another installment of “The Shiz My Boyfriend Says.” Woot!

(Oh, and bee tee dubs, I’ve had about a zillion requests for another round of Life Advice from B… so go ahead and ask your questions today! I’ll post his answers on Tuesday, if I can get him to do it by then. Tell him how handsome he is or something for encouragement.)

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While watching an ITT Tech commercial, the happy couple’s children are bouncing away on a trampoline behind them…

Commercial: “We didn’t know WHAT we were going to do when John got laid off…”

B: And now we’re trampoline rich, bitch!!!

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B is a lover of all things chicken wing. Last week we ordered some and they happened to come with the buffalo sauce on the side. As I watched him slowly, tenderly, smother each wing in two different kinds of hot sauce, I couldn’t help myself…

Me: So… you gonna make love to it or what?

B: It used to be a GIRL chicken! Heyo!!!

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As our kitchen is roughly the size of Harry Potter’s cupboard under the stairs, it is rather hard to prepare anything without the cats being ALL up in our biznass…

Me: Axe Murderer! Goddamnit! I will slap your face off your FACE if you don’t get out of here!

B: Baby, it’s raw hamburger! What if someone was holding raw internet in front of you?! You’d be interested too!

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While waiting for the elevator in our building…

B: You know what I hate? I hate when you’re already waiting for an elevator, and someone comes up behind you and pushes the already-lit button AGAIN. Because basically, what you’re saying is you think I’m too dumb to push the button. Like I’m actually stupid enough to think my scent is going to call the elevator to me. So pretty much, that means I should punch you in the face. Bam!

Me: …………..

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Ahhh, men.

Don’t forget to meet us out for Happy Hour tonight! 6pm at the Vapiano’s at 18th and M. I’ll be wearing my Love Harder shirt – FTW!

You Wouldn’t Like Me When I’m Hungry

LiLu — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 13:37:33 +0000

First off, I would like to say that I did NOT like the Betty White Super Bowl commercial. I am far too big of a Golden Girls fan to be able to watch my sweet Rose get pummeled to the ground and laugh about it.

I’m a softie like that, I suppose.

That said, the premise of the new Snickers commercials- “You’re not you when you’re hungry”- does ring a bell with me. One of my cute little quirks, as I would force B to call it, is that I become a bit.. ahem… testy, when I haven’t eaten in a while.

Or, yanno, when I’m tired. Or sick. Or perio-

Moving on.

So while the slapstick-y-ness of the Betty White rendition didn’t do it for me… this?

This almost caused a Miles Davis in my pants* when I saw it last night.

*A zillion points to anyone who gets that poorly constructed reference without clicking.

The Shiz My Boyfriend Says, Volume XXII

LiLu — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 13:58:24 +0000

You all know this game by now. Time for another installment of “The Shiz My Boyfriend Says”!

(One of these days I *am* going to screw those Roman numerals up, and you all will have such a hearty chuckle at my expense.)

(Well, maybe three of you. The rest of you don’t know what the hell they should be either. So THERE.)

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On Friday, about two hours into the Snopocalypse, B announces he’s going to Best Buy to purchase new speakers.

Me: You’re crazy!

B: Why? How is this different from your new laptop?? (I, um, may have just purchased a new Macbook Pro. *makes love to it*)

Me: Because I didn’t GO OUT IN A BLIZZARD to get it! It’s #snOMG outside!!!

B: And we have to be prepared! You want to watch Legend of the Seeker WITHOUT surround sound?! What’s wrong with you??

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Though I am in impassioned lust with the Mac, I have yet to learn how to do everything I need to with it, and sometimes still bust out the PC… at the same time. So, yes, I will be sitting on the couch working on two laptops. Apparently, this looks odd, and inspires this to happen…

B: Ooooooo, going into stockbroker mode! Stockbroker comin’ through, watch out!!!

Me: You know that makes no sense, right? What does stockbroking have to do with multiple computers?

B: Stockbroker’s gonna buy some stocks. Maybe some bonds!

Five minutes later…

B: How are the stocks going? You get some GM??

I put one away…

B: All done with the stocks? You get the stocks you wanted?

Murray paws at the closed laptop.

B: Look at Murray! He wants to be a stockbroker too!!!

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A Taylor Swift music video comes on- uh, one of the cats must have stepped on the remote, we would never watch that- and she’s wearing a rather low-cut dress, which prompts B to make some sort of noise of approval.

Me: Um. You know she’s, like, 15, right?

B: What? She’s not really 15, is she?

Me: Well, I think she just turned 16.

B: Really? Well, lock me up.

Me: *judgmental glance*

B: What! I didn’t know! … Don’t pretend like you wouldn’t do her! I’m just trying to protect her from Kanye. Look how slutty her dress is! Her father should be ashamed.

Me: I dunno. I think it’s kind of sweet and romantic.

B: It’s down to her belly button!

Me: But she’s got nothing to show.

B: True… since she’s FIFTEEN and all. Dammit!!

Okay, I just googled it and she’s actually TWENTY. The hell??? When did that happen? Holy crap I’m getting old.

Also, sorry I made fun of your lack of boobage, Taylor. It, uh… suits you?

Also, have at it, B.

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Don’t forget to check out my round up on DC Blogs today!

TMI Thursday: The Plum Gets Peeled

LiLu — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 13:06:44 +0000

Now get ready, my darlings, for the ever popular, yet gravely feared, TMI THURSDAYS…

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Today’s TMI Thursday comes from one of my Midwestern besties… and it is reason 4,519 why I freaking LOVE HER FACE. There are no words… well, actually, there are. They’re just hers, instead of mine. Please to enjoy!

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well hello kids, i’m alexa and i write the blog cleveland’s a plum.

now i love my blog in all its plum glory but i’m not exactly how you say, anonymous. and while i have little to no shame about the story i’m about to tell, it’s way too TMI for me to be able to post it on my own blog.

enter lilu, who when i told her this story on sunday graciously invited me to take over her awesome blog today. and much like when maxie let me take over her blog in september for my first TMI thursday this post involves some antics with the opposite sex.

let’s set the stage – this incident occurred just this past saturday night when i threw an absolutely crazy girls night out sponsored by Dove where the cocktails were a flowing to say the least.

so much so that my roommate needed to go home early, but alas she forgot her keys at home…. alexa to the rescue.

“don’t lock the door steph, don’t forget. remember, don’t lock the door or we won’t be able to get in!”, i repeated over and over.

cue two hours later and i’m rolling with a crew six deep to come back to my apartment to eat pepperoni bread. but of course she forgot to leave the door unlocked and was in such a deep pass out state that she didn’t wake up.

you knew that was coming right? well how about there’s also some video proof of said lock out posted on my friend allison’s blog – classic.

but this isn’t the point of the story.

you see because of the lock out my hook up location plans needed to be changed. thankfully my old friend who i was planning on yada yada yada-ing with was in town for a wedding and conveniently had a room at a very nice downtown hotel a mere few blocks from my apartment.

a cab was hailed, clothing was removed, much sexy time was had, and then the pass out portion of the evening ensued.

the next thing i remember i was when i “came to” in the hallway of the hotel – i.e. NOT in the hotel room, and was completely naked other than a pair of black underwear.

NAKED! as in no bra, big boobs, NAKED!

as i groggily try to figure out what the hell i was doing in the hallway of a nice hotel with no clothes on i start to freak out. i have ZERO idea what room i came out of and how the eff did i end up out there anyway?

my only guess is that i mistook the hotel room door for the bathroom door. but regardless of how i got out there, all i knew was that i needed back in the right hotel room stat.

i’m stumbling around for what seems like forever in what seems like circles in the hotel hallway without a single plan of action, when i hear someone walking down the hall.

i sneak around the corner hoping he won’t see me with no such luck. next thing i know he’s standing in front of my asking if i’m ok to which i reply, “oh yes, i’m totally fine, heading to my room right now” – as i’m holding my ginormous boobs in my hand.

he buys it and begins to walk towards the elevator.

but that interaction puts me in full out drunk panic mode, almost on the verge of tears, because i simply can’t go down to the lobby in just my underwear.

i start looking for a throw rug, or a potted plant, or curtains or something to cover myself up. i start trying to open random doors to no avail until a miracle happens.

i find an open utility closet – with stacks and stacks of table cloths.

i quickly grab a circular white linen table cloth, wrap it around myself like a towel and B line it for the elevator.

thinking back on it now i SO should have turned it into a toga – next time.

as i saunter through the lobby of the hotel like i own the place, barefoot and only half naked now, i’m happy that it’s 5 (?) in the morning and only a handful of people are mulling about.

i head to the front desk, inform the gentleman behind the counter that i’m locked out of my friends room and ask if he could please give me a key and while he’s at it remind me of what exactly the room number was again…

as he made the key he couldn’t stop giggling, and right before he handed it to me he asked, “you don’t have any identification on you do you?”.

no smart ass, i don’t.

after quite the epic naked ordeal i finally get back into the hotel room with ease, strip off the table cloth and crawl back into bed laughing to myself as if i was never gone.

if ever i’m given the opportunity, i would do inappropriate things to get my hands on that surveillance camera footage.

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Other awesomely bad TMIs this week…

That Kind of Girl’s TKOG Who catches an eyeful in the men’s room

Mary’s TMIT: Treasure Chest

Carissa Jade’s TMI Thursday: Barf-o-rama

Kellyansapansa’s TMI Thursday: Smooth Operator

the iNDefatigable mjenks’ TMI Thursday: My Flower, Devoured

Daffy’s I’m Over the Moon – grab a square and take a seat

latenightdramaqueen’s TMI Thursday: That warm sensation

Sebastian’s Fetishes of the far east

P’s TMI THURSDAY: THE ONE IN WHICH I ANSWER MY OWN QUESTION AND OUTDO MYSELF . . .

GregoryJ’s TMI Thursday

Jess Perreca Jr’s Very First TMI Thursday (Unsuccessful Courtesy Flush)

Travis’ TMI Thursday: And Then There Were Three…

Spleen’s Bring me your wretched masses yearning for cashes

Hillbilly Duhn’s When Size Matters – TMI Thursday

kate’s TMI Thursday – Buffet Style

Wynn’s WARNING: NOT for the faint of heart.

Vittoria’s TMIT: Would you like some oatmeal?

Angie’s TMI Thursday–Naughty Catholic Boy

Insomniac Lolita’s TMI Thursday : C**ch In Front Of My Face

Cleveland Poet’s TMI Thursday is that a spit up or are you just happy to see me

confessor69’s Happy Annivers….Oops!

Tricia’s TMIT: My First Time

Mikael’s TMIT ~ Lick My What?

amber murphy’s TMI Thursday: in which I am long winded but it is worth it in the end

JewliaGoulia’s TMI Thursday – 8th Edition

CageQueen’s Eeeeeew!

ClaireMontgomeryMD’s tmi thursday: guess what’s in my pants

City Girl’s The intimacy of anal

Simply “T”s TMI Thursday 2/4/2009

L’s TMI Thursday: Two valuable lessons

Just A Girl’s TMI Thursday: RIP Dr. Piven

C U Next… Friday!

LiLu — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 14:34:39 +0000

First things first… thanks to Random.Org, the winner of the TFLN book is…

#34 – RachelSmiles!

“i want that book! if only so i can share one liners with people so that they think i’m funny ”

Well you’ve got it, my dear! I’ll put you in contact with the nice lady who will be sending it to you shortly.

There’s only one condition. You must come to the Happy Hour that Maxie, brad and I are hosting at the Vapiano’s in Dupont next Friday, February 5th.

Oh, you haven’t heard about it yet?

That’s because we’re announcing it NOW.

Come one, come all. I don’t want to hear any BS about how you “don’t know anyone” and you’re “intimidated.” Hitler wasn’t intimidated! Are you saying you’re no better than Hitler?? Come on now.

And finally, I leave you with a smile. Because I have to put something here to cover up that Hitler joke, mostly.

B and I have recently become enamored with the show Tosh.O. It’s like the Soup, but dirtier.

Don’t know it? I’m about to change that.

Tosh.0

Surprised Kitty

www.comedycentral.com

Web Redemption

2 Girls, 1 Cup Reaction

Demi Moore Picture

He is also responsible for this.

Tosh.0

Bill Cosby Mash-Up

www.comedycentral.com

Web Redemption

2 Girls, 1 Cup Reaction

Demi Moore Picture

And this.

Tosh.0

Asians Doing Christopher Walken Impressions

www.comedycentral.com

Web Redemption

2 Girls, 1 Cup Reaction

Demi Moore Picture

You? Are WELCOME.

Happy Weekend, everyone. I’ll C U Next… FRIDAY!!!

***Please to steal the Happy Hour button and post it in your own blog to let everybody know!***

The Shiz My Boyfriend Says, Volume XXI

LiLu — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 13:54:11 +0000

You all know this game by now. Time for another installment of “The Shiz My Boyfriend Says”! (Click for past “Shizzes”.)

(Duh.)

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Axe Murderer has developed this little habit of jumping on B’s lap and rubbing her face on his. Which, as someone who’d never owned cats before, freaked him out a bit the first time…

B: What the… what is she doing?!

Me: Cats have glands on their temples that secrete a scent… basically, she’s marking you as “her property”. Like when a dog pees on a fire hydrant. You should be honored.

B: Oh. Okay. (pause…) But little does she know I’m banging other cats all the goddamn time! Take THAT!

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On the couch. Per yoosh.

B: Name any problem in the world, and I’ll cure it with taking your pants off.

Me: Okay… Hitler!

B: Easy… take his pants off and no one will take him seriously.

Me: Okay… lupus!

B: Damn… that’s hard! You couldn’t give me AIDS or something!?

Me: Um, you could cure AIDS with “taking off pants”?

B: Sure… don’t do it! BAM!!!

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In bed, there is suddenly an audible *toot*…

B: Wtf was that?!

Me: It was the cats!

B: No it wasn’t! I saw it on your face! You pushed that out!

*toot*

B: You’re STILL PUSHING!!!

Me: It COULD be the cats!

B: Stop spreading fart rumors!!!

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While stopping at Tonic for Happy Hour, B interrogates me as to which super power I’d rather have.

B: Okay. Being super fast vs. talking to animals. a la Doctor Doolittle.

Me: Well, super fast. Because then I could get to work and ANYWHERE in no time.

B: WRONG.

Me: What??

B: That is incorrect. You’d hit a million bikes on the way.

Me: But I’d move too fast for them! You said super fast! I’d just blink and I’d be at work.

B: I didn’t say TELEPORT. How dare you make the assumption you can bend space and time. I said nothing about that. Next. Ability to be a fly on the wall, or teleport?

Me: Teleport.

B: Thank goodness. You got one. Next. Be able to read people’s minds, or teleport.

Me: Teleport again. I can travel anywhere that way!

B: (sighs) Wrong again, but at least you gave reasoning this time. *shakes head*

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Happy Humpday, mofos.

P.S. Vote? (Sorry.)

Yes, This is Totally What I’m Leaving Up For You to Look at for Five Days.

LiLu — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 12:55:20 +0000

No TMI from me today (though I will link yours!), as I’m jetting home to Massachusetts for the holidays. But I leave you with this…

My dear (equally sick-and-twisted) friend Mr. Condescending sent me a little Christmas present yesterday… and after I stopped squealing with glee, I knew it needed to be shared.

You see, Mr. C is a master of all things photograph-y. So, he took a picture of B and I…

and he guido-fied us.

The Jersey Shore's got NOTHIN on us.

(This is, in case you are somehow unaware of America’s latest abomination, a reference to MTV’s new show “Jersey Shore”.)

It’s absolutely perfect, Mr. C. Though next time, might I request that I also be wearing a Bump-It?

PERFECTION.

Happy Holidays, kiddos. Travel safe and all that. Now go get lost in some eggnog (or wine in a can!)

Awesomely bad TMI Thursdays this week…

Tania’s TMI Tuesday

Floreta’s Part II: Wherever the Wind Blows Me

Griffin’s TMI Thursday: The V-card Vlog

Sebastian’s With apologies to all the women I have loved this year