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YOU LIKE SMILING. LAUGHING MAKES YOU FEEL HAPPY INSIDE. WHAT A SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE YOU ARE.

(If a similar statement currently resides in any of your social media bios, feel free to change it now, and we shall never speak of this again.)

Oh right, my point! How about I go on and make it already.

Because I enjoy mirth and merriment and belly laughs galore, I am a big fan of this gentleman:

“Oh, that guy,” I can hear you say. “Wasn’t he in that thing I saw?”

The answer is yes, friend. Because Michael Ian Black has had a hand in creating more funny things than Maru the Cat internet sensation.

He’s one of those cameo stars who pops into a movie and makes those two minutes shine, a king of sketch comedy (the good stuff – not SNL, obvy), and OWNS Vh1′s “I Love the…” series, which my life would be dark and bleak without. Check out his bio here.

More importantly, he makes people laugh, professionally. And he’ll be doing it here in DC on December 1st at Sixth & I Historic Synagogue, when he performs his new tour, “Black is White”.

Knowing that I am a sucker for all things stand up, they contacted me and asked if I’d like to give away a couple tickets. To which I replied, “Only if the winner takes ME with them.”

(Kidding, probably.)

Anyhoo, if you’ll be in the area then and you LOVE TO LAUGH, simply leave a comment to enter. Tweet this post (suggest text below) for a second entry:

Win tickets to see @michaelianblack in #DC on 12/1: http://bit.ly/qMKKTE #DCevents via @rachaelgk

Winner chosen randomly (and announced here) on Monday, August 8th!

Update: Congratulations to Lindsey, you’re the winner according to Random.org! Thanks everyone for playing.

Mama said share.

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While re-watching “The Walking Dead” last weekend… (which, if you haven’t seen yet, you should remedy immediately. Just sayin.)

B: Just so you know, I would *totally* put you down if a zombie bit you. You know, before you turn.

Me: What?!?

B: Yes. It’s the humane thing to do. Don’t you think about what you’ll do when the zombie apocalypse comes? You wouldn’t put ME down?

Me: No! I don’t think I could do it.

B: That’s very irresponsible of you.

Me: *considering* Well, what if I was a vampire?

B: No, I would not put you down if you were a vampire.

Me: That’s something, at least.

B: It’s not the same! Vampires are awesome.

Me: So you wouldn’t care if I tried to turn you?

B: No, I would open my neck and be all GET THAT SHIT, because it’s bad ass.

Me: Okayyy, I get it. I mean zombies are all mehhhhhh whereas vampires are all insanely cool and, yanno, functional.

B: Exactly.

Me: Hmmm. Okay.

B: Now if you go wolfman, that’s a different story.

Me: What?!

B: Yeah. I mean, I wouldn’t KILL you… but I’d chain you up for a few moons, wait to see how that plays out. You know, in case it’s horrible, like when you’re on your period.

Me: ….

B: But hopefully it WOULDN’T be like a period, and it’d be great. And I’d be all “wolfman me, baby!!” Cause let’s face it, Wolfmanning is a little below Vampire, but still way above Zombie.

Please tell me we’re not the only ones who discuss the hierarchy of monsters over dinner.

Mama said share.

via Filmdrunk

Mama said share.

me: this [potential new job] is scary man.
  what if i’m horrible??

Lil Sis: oh pfft
  you are a competent person.

me: I suppose.
  it doesn’t FEEL like it.

Lil Sis: it does when you are around other people and see how bad they are at things and think “I could do that better”

me: hmm. that does happen a lot.

Lil Sis: and this isn’t just that you could probably do most things better than most people, this is what you are ESPECIALLY good at.
  so you will kick ass.
  there will be sound effects when you walk into a bar.

me: and music?
  can i have theme music?

Lil Sis:  sure.
  it may have to be in your head, but that’s okay.

me: *hums Backstreet’s “Larger Than Life” at my desk*

Mama said share.

(Sad that there’s no smaller size, but you can also view it here)

Also, are you going to be in Boston tomorrow? Yes? SWEET. Then I will see you here for too many margaritas!

Mama said share.

A couple hours ago, my mom sent me this crap (love you Mom):

Everyone loves Guns and Roses

I Will Cut You

Born to Rock

Sup, G?

Is that edible?

On second thought…

That’s right baby…I still got it.

Rice Cereal? I don’t need no stinkin’ rice cereal!

OH! Cold Wipes! Cold Wipes!

I can’t believe this place

Yeah.. I just farted

Tell me she did NOT just say that!!

My response:

They’d be funnier if they were cats.

Her response, two hours later:

Like this?

Everyone loves Guns and Roses

I Will Cut You

Born to Rock

Sup, G?

Is that edible?

On second thought…

That’s right baby…I still got it.

Rice Cereal? I don’t need no stinkin’ rice cereal!

OH! Cold Wipes! Cold Wipes!

I can’t believe this place

YOU just farted!

Tell me she did NOT just say that!!

Me: Holy… did you just MAKE that?!

Mom: Yes. Don’t tell anyone.

Me: You’re my hero.

Mama said share.

If you follow my tweets, you know I’ve been in the great outdoors for the past few days. While we are “cabin-ing”, not camping, with a couple friends in Shenandoah, it’s still been much more nature-y than I’m used to.

When we walked across the lawn- yes, lawn- for the first time, heading down to the river with our canoes (who am I??), I actually couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt a whole plot of grass under my feet. At least, one not littered with the homeless and stray chicken wings.

Yesterday was spent touring a few of the local wineries, which was delightful… at first. By the time we got to the third one, we were running out of adjectives with which to pepper our banter with the taste-givers. Let’s face it, you can only say the words “bold”, “earthy” and “full-bodied” so many times before even you start to hate yourself. So, we decided to branch out from the average descriptions and make things a little more interesting.

I believe I started it off when I declared a light red table wine “whimsical and flighty”… and it just plain snowballed from there. (I believe the increasing ridiculousness would most likely directly correlate with the number of tastings ingested. Shocking, I know.)

Some of the phrases we quite seriously deadpanned at our poor taste-givers, as well as a few brainstormed around the fire last night:

“naive, yet playful”

“reclusive, with hints of confidence”

“the finish has a sense of immortality”

“positively existential”

“dirty… even sinful”

“starts out with a bit of agony, finishing with a sense of euphoria”

“slightly prepubescent at first…”

“a note of spoonerism in the nose…”

“very cosmic… gives a real sense of animalistic sensuality”

“the nose cajoles you to drink more”

“very boastful!”

“almost iambically diabolic.”

“claims your palette with a hint of dirt”

And finally, the crown jewel from B:

“No wine is an island unto itself.”

Mama said share.

Well, okay. That’s not EXACTLY what they said… but it’s how I’m taking it.

My love of Aziz knows no bounds. He IS the show Parks & Rec (step aside, The Office, there’s a new kid in town), his stand up is ridiculous, and he hosted with the mosted at MTV’s Movie Awards last month.

When tickets for his show here in DC in September (SO CLOSE!!! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!) went on sale, I bought SIX faster than a Delorean can travel through time. Or something.

I mean, seriously. Resistance is futile, ladeeeeeeeeeeez:

See to believe:

Excuse me… I just lizzed myself.

Okay, SO! Here’s what I need you to do to help me win this challenge by getting the coolest celeb follower around town:

Tweet the following, (or get creative if you want!) Let’s blow up my brown hero’s timeline so that HE can’t resist following ME!!!!

@azizansari – Will you be @LivitLuvit’s Kanye West and follow her on Twitter? Help her become the first @MTVTJ!

You guys have been AMAZING, and we’re almost there… we can do this!!!!

UPDATE: WE DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But our work’s not done! The more the better, so get on the tweet and tell YOUR favorite celeb why they should follow me! I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Mama said share.

(Love you, B. But come on. The man wrote me a song.)

I give you, from Rahul over at I Wear T-Shirts…Sometimes, the greatest musical performance of all time.

Lyrics:

What does lilu dream of,
when she writes a pretty funny tweet
Does she think of Dj Pauly
or a You Tube reference thats sweet

Don’t you worry all you twitter peeps
She’s going to write you something witty even if it comes to in her sleep
the she’s gonna go and hashtag it up
and then we’re gonna retweet and make it lots of fun

if she’s not the next MTV TJ

Then we’ll go and get drunk!

Thanks, Rahul. I’m at work right now and I totally just lizzed myself.

WORTH IT.

Mama said share.

Hey there, cowboy! Get ready, cause I’m about to crack an egg of knowledge all over your head.

And by “knowledge” I mean pure, unadulterated awesome.

My father is to thank for sending me this shitshow of awkward-yet-mind-blowing-hilariousity I’m about to drop on you…

It really is no surprise where I came from, is it?

Happy long weekend 4th of July, poodlekins! If that video’s not freaking American, I don’t know what is.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hey! Have you tweeted yet today? (If you don’t know what this is about, please to clicky here!)

Follow @LivitLuvit, my favorite contestant in the @MTVTJ search for MTV’s first Twitter Jockey! #zyncmtvtj

(Feel free to get creative, the above suggestion is just for your copy & paste convenience. Cause I’m good like that.)

The actual VOTING will start on July 7, and it will be via Facebook. (I know, the irony…) Anyway! You will only get to have to vote once, so make sure we’re Facebook friends and I’ll send ya a reminder! WOOT!!!

Mama said share.