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WYR Wednesday: Lara Croft Was Asking For It

LiLu — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 12:36:29 +0000

So…

I love you guys. No, really. You were absolutely amazing yesterday- I can’t thank you enough for all your words and support. It felt like one Southern gramma big bear hug, and I honestly can’t find to tell you how grateful I am to have all of you, and this little world.

One comment in particular brought a little “No I am NOT crying I was just cutting onions!!!” to my eye… maybe because clairemontgomerymd is a mama, (btw- read my favorite “Mary” story of hers here, it is PRICELESS), but also because she just put this whole bloggysphere thing we have going on into words so damn perfectly. Check it out:

dear mrs. lilu,
blogging is kind of like one big never-ending cyber-slumber party. we’re all playing extreme truth or dare while we laugh and cry together but when asked what we’re doing, the answer is always ‘nothing’. eavesdrop a little, but turn away with a knowing grin that we’re all going to be alright. especially lilu. your daughter rocks. she makes a lot of people’s days much brighter. she’s genuine and brilliant. you’ve done raised her right. we love her and we love you for sharing with us your baby girl. now wipe your tears and make her buy you something pretty for being the best mom ever! seriously – take advantage of this opportunity.

See? SEE??? Isn’t your heart, like, a whole lot warmer now??

*sigh of contentment*

All right, now that that’s over, let’s get on with the gross stuff! (Sorry, mamakins)…

But it is my girl Maxie‘s Would You Rather Wednesday!

So, would you rather…

A) Get caught masturbating by (on) your friend’s mom…

Grandma’s Boy – More amazing video clips are a click away

or…

B) Catch one of your PARENTS masturbating? [video clip redacted for all of our sanity]

Think about that…

Hate me yet? xoxo

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Housekeeping: Maxie and I have had to change the date of our wedding, due to the fact that I am an idiot and double-booked a weekend.

All my best friends are SHOCKED right now, let me tell you… this is their surprised face:

Anyhoosits, the festivities will now be on Saturday, the 17th of October, rather than the 24th. Everything else shall remain the same. Except that you have one week less to buy us shit that we will then have to incorporate into the ceremony somehow.

Just kidding.

Maybe.

Fang Banger

LiLu — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 11:05:00 +0000

You, um, may notice something new about my page. Namely, that freaky countdown at the top right, where my dorky little face used to be.

That’s right, folks. I am THAT excited for the new season of True Blood. Judge if you must.

But when HBO announced they were coming out with a vampire show, no one was more skeptical than I.

(Which is odd, considering how obsessed I was with Christopher Pike’s “The Last Vampire” series as a tween.)

But it just seemed so cliche, what with the craziness surrounding the oh-so-immature Twilight series and movies. (Not that they aren’t enjoyable- I like some bloody teenager angst as much as the next person. But come on… no one actually thinks it’s a quality production, right?)

And I get it. Eternal life, the undead, remarkable power, the stories we’ve grown up with… no matter who you are, the teeniest part of your soul HAS to think, “Well… these myths must have come from somewhere…” Vampire stories hold for us an incredible combination of fear and lust; the allure is not so hard to understand, really.

But still, I was skeptical.

And then I saw the opening credits.

And skeptical became intrigued.

Frankly, I’ve never seen such a deliciously haunting introduction… I’ve never quite so much enjoyed the sensation of my skin crawling.

And so I thought, “Blood, sex, and HBO, huh? This might be worth a shot.”

And it is fucking SEXY.

The lead actor, Stephen Moyer, is freaking goddamn amazing. In fact, they ALL are. There is not a single character that annoys me; I am constantly re-deciding who my favorite is. There is raw and honest homosexuality, a powerful portrayal of bigotry that could mirror any issue we struggle with today, and Jimmy James. There is the loss of innocence, of virginity, and of morality.

Most of all, there is love that, as Richard The Seeker would say, “transcends all barriers.” (It’s less corny if he says it and not me. No? Shuttup.)

My point is, don’t write this show off in your mind by associating it with Twilight.

These vampires don’t fucking glitter.

(And after all, these are the people who brought us Kenny Powers, no?)

June 14th… who’s bringing the popcorn?

Extra garlic, please.

TMI Thursday: "Simply En Fuego"

LiLu — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 12:35:00 +0000

Hey everybody! Just a little intro… yesterday morning, I signed into gchat, and before I could even sip my coffee, the lovely Lemmonex unleashed a tidbit on me that I immediately knew had to be shared with the world via TMI Thursday. So we agreed to pull the old switcheroo on y’all today… she’ll be posting over here, and I’ll be filling in for her over at her corner (check it out HERE). How’s that for flippin’ the tables on ya?

In the same vein, we all know that I only have SO many gross and mind-violating stories in my repertoire. Therefore, I hereby invite you to email me (livitluvit@livitluvit.com) your own TMIs that you would never share out loud. They will be posted here, anonymously (if you like) and proudly, and you can watch the reaction to them without anyone judging you at all! Viva TMI Thursday!

Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s! Now get ready, my darlings, for the ever popular yet gravely feared TMI THURSDAYS…

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Hey, I am Lemmonex, the ying to Lilu’s yang and instigator of much shenanigans. Yesterday morning I told her a secret and made her swear on her Snuggie she wouldn’t tell a soul. I now realize it is far too good to keep to myself, so internet, I share with you a personal tale of my privacy.

So, my vagina is a sanctuary. I tend to it religiously and treat it like it deserves to be treated– with respect and affection. She has always done me solid so why would I not treat her well? I couldn’t get in to see my waxer this week so I did what any sane and rational woman would do: I hit the CVS for a tube of Nair.

Now I have gone the Nair route before. It does in a pinch and as an added bonus, it is much cheaper than paying a woman with very tiny and nimble hands to rip out of your most sensitive bits. I noticed the bottle looked a little different, but Nair has never lead me astray so I forged full speed ahead.

Right away, I felt a tingle. This was not the good kind of tingle I get like when I hear Jeff Buckley’s voice or I see a man with a full sleeve of tattoos. It was an ouchy tingle. This tingle built and built until it felt like someone was scraping a cheese grater across my clit. It was a burn that could scorch an entire city to a pile of embers.

I jumped in the shower and desperately tried to get it off. Rubbing this devil’s cream just made the pain worse. I looked down to make sure there was not blood on my hands. My heart was racing and there as a knot in my stomach; I can handle breaking a lot of things but I cannot break this. As I hopped around in my tiny shower stall in a panic, a lock of hair fell in my right eye. Without thinking, I flipped it away and GOT NAIR ON MY EYEBALL. Luckily the screams of agony emanating from my poor, tortured vagina drowned out the guttural moan that emerged from the very core of my being as I tried to rinse my eye out.

As I recalled this charming story to LiLu the next morning she inquired to how it was all feeling now. I replied “Ya know how when we were in college and guys didn’t know how to finger you? And your clit would ache? It feels like that, like I was finger blasted by an overeager 19-year-old”.

This being said, it feels much better today. Also, I am as hairless as a new born baby for 1/5th of the normal cost. I’d do it again. Sorry Little Lemmy, you probably have some rough times ahead of you, but I know you are a trooper.

Update: This post inspired NotKeith to make a cartoon of Lemmonex’s, um… DILEMMA. Check it out here (entirely NSFW!)

Other awesomely bad TMIs this week…

Maxie’s TMI Thursday: I Should Not Know This

Racquel Valencia’s Racquel Does TMI

LBluca77′s TMI Thursday: Never Piss Off the Pussy

I-66′s TMI Thursday: Deepest Blue

Cyndy’s Please Don’t Drink the Gatorade!

Liebchen’s TMI Thursday: Is That Hair Gel?

Claire’s TMI Thursday: Be Careful What You Trash Pick

Dagny Taggart’s TMI Thursday: Happy Easter!

PorkStar’s TMI Thursday: An Alien Connection

vazenchick’s TMI Thursday: The Magic of a Fine Tooth Comb…