…even though I haven’t been on an “I’m single” date in two years. *Evil cackle*

Head on over to read about the “S.C.O.R.E. System,” a la LiLu. And add your 2 cents while you’re at it.

Mama said share.

Hey, lovers! One of our bloggy cohorts came to me with a “post-she-can’t-post” but needs advice on. I know how damn lucky I am to be able to write whatever the hell I want here at my e-home, and so I am glad to be able to give that freedom to a fellow friend.

I can’t link to her in case her familia finds it, but let’s just call her… hmm… MAMA BEAR. I think most of you will get that. If you don’t, your completely unbiased opinion is definitely welcome.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have a problem.

Crap.

Wait.

My problem has a back story that I haven’t been able to write about on my blog, so let me give you a quick recap.

Last year my blog was “discovered” by my in-laws. They were pissed (rightfully so). Drama ensued. I had to make a VERY hard phone call to my SIL, apologizing for what I wrote.

For 30 minutes, all hell broke loose.

She yelled, she ranted, her husband ranted in the background. Soon her train went off the rails and she started yelling at me about everything and anything.

I sat silent.

The entire time.

Even when she told me that my husband would regret being with me.

When everything was done I gave her one last voice cracking “I’m sorry” and hung up the phone. In between my sobs I told Dan what was said.

I literally watched his eyes grow cold.

He hasn’t talked to her since.

Do you follow all of that?

Okay, then let’s start with my present problem.

My husband and I are getting remarried in a church. We have to so that we can officially join the church. Another wedding, dress, party?

Oh hell yeah.

I view this wedding as a chance to celebrate the Hubby & I’s love (oh god that felt cheesy to type…but it’s true) I recently told my husband that I didn’t feel comfortable inviting his sister and her husband since they so strongly opposed…..us. Especially since we had to keep our guest list to a minimum.

Why invite two people that hate our relationship when I could have two that support us?

The Hubby said he could see my point.

But…..

He thought that it was going to create a lot of drama. He also thought this would be an opportunity to show his sister that “See, you were wrong.” Then he brought up the killer point.

This would upset his Grandma.

Double crap.

Hubby’s Grandma is one of the big reasons we were having a more formal wedding.

So what do I do interwebs? Do I have two people that “hate” us at our wedding to keep the peace? Or do I try to take a stand? Either way our wedding risks turning into a political statement.

“You aren’t invited so ttthhhhhppppp….”

or

“Come see how happy we still are so tttthhhhhhppppp…..”

Help?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So lend her your words of wisdom, internets! Maybe it’s because I haven’t had to do it yet, but all this wedding drama sort of fascinates me. Speaking of wedding drama, have you seen the Bridal Bloggettes’ new home? Have you? Go look. I’ll wait. It’s kind of pretty, isn’t it?

I DID THAT.

Okay, now back to Ra- I mean, Mama Bear’s quandry. What to do??? Help, Interwebs!

Mama said share.

Bullet time!

~ Yesterday’s comments were pretty amazing- if you haven’t weighed in yet, I’d love to hear what you think. Saved by the Bell is involved.

~ My sister, who is young, talented, gorgeous, way funnier than me, and incredibly intelligent (she totally kicked my ass in the SATs), is in need of a job in the Boston area. If you know of any professional openings, please drop me a line here and I’ll put you in contact. Also, I will forever be in your debt and send you cookies like, at least twice a year. For a year.

~ My butt buddy Jenn, who is young, talented, gorgeous, lit-rally BUCKETS of fun, and too damn smart for her own good (in the “you’d-love-her-to-work-for-you” kinda way), is ALSO in need of a job… in D.C. My people in the District, rise up and come forth and all that! Shoot me an email and I will have her send you her (impressive) resume faster than a Democrat losing the key Senate seat in Massachusetts.

~ ZIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!!!!

~ After the 20-hour headache that was putting together the (awesome-and-totally-worth-it!!!!!) Love Harder video, I have officially decided I need a Mac. Anyone selling a laptop? That they will promise on pain of my ripping them a new one on this blog is totally legit and will not die on me? BECAUSE IF ANOTHER COMPUTER DIES ON ME I WILL GO ALL STABBY ON A STRANGE CHILD and no one wants that.

~ I’ve got a guest post over at Middle Aged Waitress today, in which I recount my First Day Ever of being a waitress. Suffice to say, it did not go well…

~ Thought I’ve said it all over the interwebs, I have yet to officially say Thank You, so much, to everyone who voted for me in the 20SB Bootleg Awards. I walked away with more than my fair share, and I could not be more honored. I knew I had “Most Awkward” in the bag, but “Best Female”? “Funniest”? Y’all blow me the freak away. (More awesome news to come re: me and 20SB later this week… WOOT!)

~ I have a copy of TFLN to give away! The book is a comprisal of all the best “Texts No One Remembers Sending”… and it is one hawt mess. Just leave a comment here to be entered! (Winner announced Friday.)

Mama said share.

Hey kids, it’s time for the second set of responses to B’s new “advice column”! There were nearly 100 questions asked, so we’ll have to break this up a bit. I’ll be posting the responses on Tuesdays until I run out. Easy enough, no? (Last week’s edition here, or for more B, check out “The Shiz My Boyfriend Says” here.)

Things to know:

• These aren’t necessarily in the EXACT order they were asked. Don’t worry, I’ll whine remind him politely until they’re all answered.
• I have in no way read his responses. Like at all. I lit-rally just copied and pasted here. So, uh… yeah. This should be interesting.
• I’m scared. (See above.)

And away we go!

Em: “Question: how do I finally get my 3-year-old son potty trained?”

The entirety of my potty training knowledge concerns kittens.  Though I’m sure most of it is transferable to children.  Make sure your litter box is covered (you put babies in litter boxes right?).  Use clumping litter!  If that doesn’t work just shake the child until it understands.  Lord knows that works with girlfriends (joking, joking).

Dani: “I’m moving to a brand new city in May and I really don’t want to go back to selling pants for a living after busting my hump to get this damn Masters. What can I do in the next 4 months to make myself more employable…

Obviously prostitution or sexual favors is the best way to get ahead.  You mentioned your  history of “selling pants,” I assume that’s a synonym for you know what…(wink wink)

…besides providing sexual favors on job interviews?”

Oh. Well, if you’re taking all the commonsense ideas off the table I’ll have to think a little harder.  I would simply suggest networking and meeting as many new people as possible (principally through drinking).  In finding a new job, knowing the right person will be more beneficial than any four month stint on a resume.

Jaxie: “How do I tell my oldest friend (oldest as in we’ve been friends for 24 years) that she generally sucks as a friend and needs to make time for people, without hurting her feelings?”

Firstly, I avoid the phrase “you generally suck as a friend” in the conversation.  Perhaps tell your friend that you’re going through a rough time, impress upon her that you value her friendship, and say you’ll be leaning on her and hope she can make the time for your friendship.  Something like that. Or you could just save your time for less shitty friends.

Skylers Dad: “You are probably in the same boat as me, gifted with huge junk. How do you handle those awkward stares in the mens room?”

Now THAT’S a good question.  I try to keep in mind others are less fortunate and that I should try to be as discreet as possible with my enormous wang.

brookem: “my manfriend and i are planning to cohabitate this spring. this is new territory for me. while we spend almost every night together now, LIVING TOGETHER is so totally different. will you give me some tips on what to expect and how to cohabitate in peace?”

Two words: closet space.  I remember before our move-in being truly baffled and scared about where we were going to put all our stuff. I truly had sleepless nights over this.  Also, try to knock out the inevitable IKEA furniture shopping and assembly in one day.  Nothing stresses a relationship like IKEA’s god damn furniture instruction. All your screw pictures look the same IKEA! Use words you Swedish bastards!  I had to get that off my chest.  Pick an apartment near your friends and in a fun area so that you both might get out of each others hair once and a while.

hanako66: “how do i make my pug (jager) stop eating my fuzzy dog’s (bailey) poop? you see, a few weeks ago he threw it up in the middle of the night, i went to the kitchen to get paper towels and carpet cleaner… when i came back, he was eating it again. and i threw up. all. over. the. nightstand.

AWESOME! I just threw up too! I could tell from the start we had a lot in common.

I cannot have this happen again as it was very disruptive to my sleep, plus i swear my husband hasn’t looked at me the same since, so please PLEASE tell me how to make him stop eating her poop. ps i hope that animal feces is your area of expertise.”

First, no more licks from that dog.  Second…ummm, I’m at a loss.  I would suggest spraying “otherdogs” shit with something that would make it less appetizing.  But what could make shit less appetizing?  Mushrooms?  That’s all I’ve got.

Saratogajean: “How can I get the neighborhood degenerates to stop smashing their empty 40s on the sidewalk outside of my house?”

Easy. Buy them a 30 pack of beer CANS.  I can not stress the aluminum can aspect of this plan strongly enough.  This will provide you with “bum friends” — the best kind of friend — and more likely than not crushed beer cans on the sidewalk outside your house.  I figure that’s better than broken glass.  Additionally, this community outreach will make you 23% less likely to be assaulted by crackheads. WIN WIN!

HannahBlue:  “How do I deal with co-workers who are driving me crazy? (Since my husband will be a future lawyer, murder is obviously not an option).”

I look at your situation in the opposite way.  Your husband will be well situated to act as your defense in the subsequent trial.  But short of murder, I’d suggest reaching out to your coworkers (on an individual basis), doing them a favor to make their day a little bit better, and hopefully they will return the favor–if they’re not total assholes.  I have found that being passive aggressive at the office never works and you find yourself being paid back in kind.

BeckEye: “Eff, marry, kill: Rosie O’Donnell, Rosie Perez, and Perez Hilton.” 

Kill: Perez (painfully), Eff: Rosie O. (with my eyes tightly closed all the while humming Row Row Row Your Boat), Marry: Rosie Perez– White men can’t jump Rosie, but I’ll show you what we can do! (hint: its sexin’).

Belle/Elizabeth Marie: “How do I wait 3ish more years to get married and start having babies when I want them NOW but my boyfriend is in law school/is a commitment-phobe/is financially supported by his father so it doesn’t really make sense to do now? Love, Trying to be a cool non-pressuring girlfriend.”

Watch and re-watch that scene from Knocked Up where Katherine Heigl is crowning.  With that burned into your memory, you’ll hopefully be less inclined to get preggers.  If that fails, consider how happy your commitment-phobe boyfriend will be helping you with 3AM changing during finals (constructive receipt, 1035 exchanges, and baby shit–now we’re partying!).  Get engaged and enjoy that time, travel, do the sex (with birth control!!!), and relax. 

Repliderium: “How do I tell the fat person that I work with that every time she squats down beside my desk to talk all that I can smell is vagina & sweat?”

I truly do not know how to express that politely.  In particular since you will probably be smelling sweaty vag when you’re having this chat.  The societal implication of the Jersey Shore, the merits of prostitution, and lost love I can handle.  Sweaty vagina is beyond my depth.

You wanted more B, you’ve got him, my friends!

Mama said share.

Hey kids, it’s time for the first set of responses to B’s new “advice column”! There were nearly 100 questions asked, so we’ll have to break this up a bit. I’ll be posting the responses on Tuesdays until I run out. Easy enough, no?

Things to know:

• These aren’t necessarily in the EXACT order they were asked. Don’t worry, I’ll whine remind him politely until they’re all answered.
• I have in no way read his responses. Like at all. I lit-rally just copied and pasted here. So, uh… yeah. This should be interesting.
• I’m scared. (See above.)

And away we go!

cavy: “B, i would like to know your thoughts/opinions on the possibility of Avatar porn, the Oxford comma, and Meryl Streep’s newfound status as a “sex symbol for the 50+ generation.”

I am fully supportive of innovative pornography–though I don’t look forward to the thought of giant penises blasting out of the TV screen towards my face (I get enough of that Tuesday nights). 

I am a very strong proponent of the Oxford (or serial) comma.  Consider how one would say this list if spoken: “I enjoy sex, beer, and football” NOT “I enjoy sex, beerandfootball.” 

Meryl Streep naked: something I don’t want to see in 3 or 2 dimensions.

Lemmonex: “B, how can I get rid of this uncomfortable itch?”

Penicillin cures all that ails. Except AIDS (isn’t AIDS a drag?)

Ashley: “Why does Axe Murderer not have a wig yet? Don’t you believe in having a stylish cat?” On a related note, Shannon asks: “How do I make my cats love me more than my fiance??”

I DO believe in having a stylish cat.  Though I’ve ceded  to Lilu sole responsibility for outfitting our cats in embarrassing/uncomfortable costumes.   As it turns out Shannon, while costumes do make for a stylish cat, they also result in an angry cat.  Suggest to your fiance that he dress the cats up….to prepare him for fatherhood.  This will have one of two outcomes: 1) He will leave you (now who’s the cats favorite), or 2) the cats will despise him (leaving you as the cats favorite and with an emasculated fiance–TWOFER!).

Nickie: “How do I know if a man is truly into me?”

I guess there’s no absolutely certain way to know.  Does he enjoy your company and prefer to be with you rather than apart?  Does he still play stupid relationship games (i.e. let’s be childish and wait X-days to call, and only see you Y-days a week)? Is he banging other women?  Has he relaxed around you to the point he shares those embarrassing/dorky aspects of his personality (for instance he is a sci-fi nerd, wears woman’s underwear,  cries during Disney movies, etc…)?  You’re probably looking good if the answers to those questions are: Yes, No, No, and Yes.

Alex Roda: “Now how do I become a billionaire? I kinda already used my credit card to purchase a private jet…..”

Alex would later, on his own, come to the correct conclusion that prostitution is his best option.  Someone tell ME, a situation where prostitution isn’t the best option.

Additionally, Paula asks: “I’m always running low on funds. How can I make extra money at night without, you know, becoming a hooker?”

If for some reason you don’t want to be a prostitute try being a bartender: it’s the flirting, listening to stranger’s personal problems, and money of prostitution without the penetration (usually).

PQ: “How can I get the dog to stop sniffing my crotch?”

Go through menopause (Yay, hot flashes!) or shower often.

Jackie: “How can I make sure my boyfriend doesn’t cheat on me when he’s in Canada next week on a “mancation”?”

Your first line of defense should be not to date an asshole would cheat on you while on “mancation” in Canada.  Or for that matter, take a “mancation” to Canada–but I’ll let that slide for now.  Though seriously, I think you’ll be fine. He and his buddies will get drunk, go to some strip clubs, watch football, and draw penises on whoever passes out first .  What you should not do is excessively express worries that he’s going to cheat.  Instead tell him “go have fun, ogle some strippers, drink with your buddies, and come home safe (safe is a euphemism for “not infected with AIDS).”  This should result in your boyfriend being so grateful at having the best-girlfriend-ever he will continue to be extra-faithful.

That Kind of Girl: “Question for B: How does one get over a great lost love?”

One doesn’t.  Sorry.  Just look back fondly on the good times and try not to completely gloss over the bad times/his negative aspects–people always seem better a few years removed.  As cold-hearted as it sounds, I’d also suggest a zero-contact rule with said “great lost love.” Lastly, you should: hang out with your friends, get drunk, hook up, and have some fun.

Carol: “Should a man with a small wang really wear a speedo? And if a man with a small wang wears one, does he think he has a big wang? Should he be informed that it’s not in his favor to wear a speedo?”

Maybe he’s a grower not a shower?

Masala Chica (Kiran): “What does it say about our society that 80% of the literate population in this country actually know who “Snookie” is?”

Just tell yourself its indicative of our society’s keen awareness of violence against women and MTV’s steps to bring light to this horrible problem.  All other alternatives are too depressing to consider.

Vie and T. The Destructor: How do you gather up the courage to tell your best guy friend (who also happens to be someone used to date and have dumped before) that you have developed strong feelings for him? Should I drink first?

Vie and Tiffani seem to be in the same predicament.  Drink before, drink during, and drink after the conversation (and if everything goes well the bang-time which is to follow).  However, I would urge caution before going through with the ol’ reverse breakup.  If you believe: 1) he feels the same way, or is at least open to the possibility, 2) you won’t change your mind about him again, at least in the near future, and 3) you really want a boyfriend…go for it.  As for the conversation itself, be straighforward about how you feel, let him know you’ve really thought it through, and I’m sure showing your boobs won’t hurt your cause.  I can’t think of many conversations that would not be improved by more boobs.

Carissajaded: “Are aliens real? If a guy watches girly movies by himself, is he gay? What is with the guys wearing sparkly shirts?”

1) Yes.

2) Watching girly movies by one’s self is the only way to do it.  Otherwise someone might see you tear up when, for example, that guy from Love Actually goes all the way to Portugal to profess his love to that chick (don’t judge me).

3) Wearing sparkly shirt = gay or a straight douchebag (see Jon Gosslin and the cast of the Jersey Shore).

Kendall: “How do I deal with blogging about a girlfriend? Figure you probably have a good perspective on that sitch.”

If how LiLu tricked me into revealing every offensive thing I’ve ever said is a road map it goes like this: Initially offer your girlfriend full editorial control regarding stories about her.  Next, publish innocuous/charming stories about her without her approval to lower her guard.  Then slowly push the boundaries and soon you’ll be telling stories about how she pees the bed and hates Nebraskans.

Jeney: “B, what is your opinion on pocketless jeans?”

They are awful.  Pocketless jeans make a great ass look dumpy and a dumpy ass look like you have stuffed your jeans with rotten pumpkin (why rotten pumpkin–I couldn’t tell you).  Pocketless jeans are as stupid as non-crotchless panties. See what I did there…

Jay: “How is it you maintain such tight control over your relationship with LiLu, yet she still clearly thinks she’s the one calling the shots? Is there simply some beautiful flaw in her personality that allows for this, or could you instruct me on how to achieve similar results with my significant other?”

It’s all about picking your battles (and being manipulative!). For example, LiLu will frequently go out to brunch, which turns into dinner, which turns into dancing and karaoke on Saturday or Sunday.  She feeling terrible about abandoning me all day. But I put on a brave face and tell her that I love her and to have a great time.  Meanwhile with nothing else to do, I’m forced to spend my day on the couch in my boxers watching football, drinking, and playing video games.  Tough break for sure, but I somehow manage.

You wanted more B, you’ve got him, my friends!

Mama said share.

Check it out.

(Totally safe for work. Swear on my shoe closet. It’s made of real shoes, so you know it’s good.)

Missed you hookers!

Mama said share.

I go and do something like THIS.

Happy Friday, my little ducklings.

Mama said share.

Housekeeping: As you may now know, I’m in the process of moving to wordpress (any minute now!) While my url will still be http://livitluvit.com, the one problem is that if you subscribe to my posts via Google Reader or whatever, they ain’t going to show up no more.

So let’s fix that, here and now. Simply click the button below to subscribe to my NEW home via your Google or other favorite reader… thanks, lovies!

Last week, I posted my biography I’d written for a marketing company I’m working with. One of my favorite bloggers I stalk, I mean love, the gorgeous and charming Elizabeth Marie of It’s Unbeweavable!, was not the first person to consequently suggest in the comments that I write her online dating profile for her… but she was the only one who emailed me and said, “No, really… will you?”

My answer? NO DOY.

So she sent me the questions her OKCupid dating profile asks her to fill out, and away we go!
 

Elizabeth Marie, in a OKCupid nutshell…

1. My Self Summary

I am what I believe is scientifically referred to as “A Goddamn Ray of Sunshine.” No, really. I am the most kickass combination of delicate little flower and Z-snapping diva with a ‘tude you’ve ever met.

I adore all things hair, make up and fashion, and no, I’m not sorry. I rock a pair of heels better than a Key West drag queen. I want to hate the term “fashionista” like a restauranteur hates “foodie”, but, frankly, it describes me.

Now, my closet may be high-maintenance, but my heart is not. I only smile genuinely. I am fiercely loyal yet dangerously open, and I am a firm believer in being able to laugh at yourself.

In short, I am a girly girl, (with a side of girly), and a big ass heart. And you? Are gonna love it.

When I’m not busy dropping nuggets of fabulosity on people everywhere I go, (I don’t even know what that means!), I’m busy making the world a more beautiful place.

No, not by cleaning up highways, or convincing people to recycle.

I, my friends, am a make up artist.

(And believe me… I am doing the world a big ass favor, one slightly less busted face at a time.*)

*I’m kidding. No, really, I am. Oh, and FYI… People missing a slightly twisted sense of humor need not apply.

Singing off key and with reckless abandon, watching horrible reality TV shows to boost my self esteem, and being a stellar athlete. (Athlete = working out my right arm as it lifts delicious food and glasses of various libations to my mouth.)

Oh, and something called DSL’s, but I’m not sure what those are. Let me just Urban Dictionary that… oh my! Wildly inappropriate, yet undeniably flattering. Well, my lip gloss IS called “Orgasm“, after all…

Also, shoes.

Her homemade sangria.

A horrifically bad date every now and then to make fun of with my friends.

Lazy Sunday mornings. Preferably with a side of mimosa, please and thank you.

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Mad, passionate, almost inconceivable love.

Playing as hard as I worked all week…

And definitely not wishing I was home in my bunny slippers playing Apples to Apples with my best friends. That would be ridiculous. *awkward chuckle*

8. You should message me if…

You would never wear a brown belt with black shoes, would be willing to dress up as Green Man for Halloween, and are man enough to appreciate a girly girl who isn’t going to pretend she’s something she’s not.

So, boys… what do you think? Would you *wink* at her, or whatever the hell it is you do on those sites?

Click here to read Elizabeth’s reaction to this mess of a profile I sent her. I hope she still talks to me.

Mama said share.

You may remember that last week, B promised us a guest post. Well he may be a day late and a Susan B Anthony dollar short, but he came through, as always (TWSS). Please to enjoy, my loves!

(And bee-tee-dubs, ladies and oddly curious menfolk, don’t forget to enter my Hello Kitty vibrator giveaway if you haven’t yet! Thru 11:59 PM tonight.)

Mama said share.

Hey, fockers! I’m over here today, gettin’ my Robotrip on at justjp‘s place.

Not convinced? Don’t worry, there’s a goat involved.

Do it. Do it. You know you want to. Do it!

Oh, are you still here? Well, I do have this little gem for you, thanks to my bff and poo-partner-in-crime, Moog (which he apparently snagged from my future Mormon co-wife, Kellie).

I will love you forever for finding this, my dear. FOREVER.

(Warning: Video may cause tears to stream down your cheeks with laughter, and possibly pissing/sharting of oneself.)

(Youtube link here, if it’s choppy.)

You’re WELCOME.

Mama said share.