So, you may have heard about this little “awards show” that’s happening on Sunday. I’m not allowed to mention it by name for top secret legal reasons I don’t understand (see sponsored note below), but I’m pretty sure y’all know the one I mean. The one about all the TV shows, with the prizes that are shiny orbs, and most importantly, they brought one of my favorite Brits BACK to host again after he brutally trashed nearly all of America’s Hollywood royalty last year. Which, let’s be honest, I thoroughly enjoyed every second of.

So this year, I plan on backing Ricky up with some cutting witticisms of my own on the tweets, with the help of my three new sassy gay roommates. WATCH OUT.

Why? Because Lean Pockets is hosting a Twitter party for their Live Famously Sweepstakes during the show this year, which means that myself and a bunch of other lovely ladies will all be live tweeting the awards, AND giving away free swag to you all to boot. Each of us will be raffling off a Live Famously swag bag full of all sorts of lovely, shiny things (most notably a $50 spa gift card, what what!)

Even cooler, the #LiveFamously Twitter party is merely a taste of the actual Sweepstakes, which are being hosted by one Perez Hilton and involves a grand prize of a trip to Tinseltown to hang out with him. (NBD.)

The winner and a BFF will be flown to LA to, quite literally, “live like a celeb” for a day. This involves ridiculously fun things like a swanky hotel stay, car service, a $1k shopping spree, a $250 spa experience, and a special concert experience, all hosted by Perez. Imagine how much celeb dirt you’d hear? Answer: ALL OF IT.

The promotion goes until March 31, so you have plenty of time to win one of their daily prizes as well – just head over to their Facebook page for all the deets.

And don’t forget to hang with me at the Twitter party (PANTS OFF DANCE OFF!!! – you know, since we’ll all be at home on our couches in our adult onesies, amiright?) starting this Sunday, 7pm ET! There will be snark and snark and FREE STUFF (and more snark) galore.

~~~~~

FYI! This post (and my pending tweets on Sunday) are sponsored by Nestlé/Lean Pockets. Yes, they totally gave me money for this, but all opinions are very much my own, as is the sass they come with.

Mama said share.

There are many different types of blogs in this world. Industry blogs, dating blogs, financial blogs, news blogs, pop culture blogs, mommy blogs… you name it, someone’s writing about it.

But what I consider this place to be, and the type of blog I relate to, are “lifestyle” blogs. People who talk about the interesting things that happen to them; momentous life events, hopes and dreams, funny stories, and the like. And if I had to wager a guess, the vast majority of posts from these blogs involve one little thing we can ALL relate to:

VENTING.

Delightfully exaggerated, unadulterated hatred for the minute, yet uncompromisingly annoying day-ins and day-outs of our lives. The endless atrocities that strangers, traffic, and small children commit against us each and every day. Dare I say, a lot of this very blog revolves around such things; in fact, if you click on my post category “hatred“, there are some 25 posts there alone. While I don’t think this is unusual, as writing is often a therapeutic outlet for frustration, I do sometimes worry that all you guys see of me is the haterade. It’s only natural- we as humans are much more likely to share a bad experience than a good one, because dammit, commiseration feels GOOD, yo. But I don’t want that to be the only side of me shown here.

Truly, I am a lover. I love LOTS of stuff. I love dive bars, wine, red meat, brunch, cats, rollercoasters, cheeseburgers, and- believe it or not- even a sizeable handful of people in this world.

(Sidebar: while we’re on this topic, are you one of those people who says you “love to laugh” in your social media bio? Because ZOMG YOU MUST BE THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD WHO LIKES THAT! You are so original. I bet you also don’t like having the flu, and that you prefer Fridays to Mondays! Let’s bond over our mutual affinity for being happy rather than sad together!!)

Whoops… a little venting fell out. Moving on!

So, to mix it up, here’s some of the GOOD in my life – those little things that will make me love you, almost as quickly as standing on the left side of the escalator will make me shank you.

What?

Things That Will Make Me Instantly Adore You:

(thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much!)

Making a “there’s always money in the banana stand…” reference.

Belting out a song in public, karaoke or impromptu. (Extra points as the song gets more embarrassing.)

Giving your seat on the bus to a lady, a munchkin, someone older, etc.

Being fully aware of, accepting, and openly discussing your flaws (not in a debbie-downer way; just a self aware, “I’m working on this” way).

Admitting when you’re wrong.

Giving me an honest opinion in the dressing room. I am depending on you to set me up for (booty) success, here.

Expressing a love for meat. (Extra points for meat wrapped in other meat.)

YES and also PLEASE.

Not being afraid to cancel our grandiose plans of sight-seeing or museums in favor of getting tipsy and people watching. (Also see: recognizing the inherent value in getting tipsy and people watching).

Showing up at my house with an awesomely bad movie and three bottles of wine… for the two of us.

Openly weeping tearing up at children’s movies. (Up, Wall-E, Toy Story 3, I’m looking at you.)

Getting me a wee present when you go on vacation, just because you wished I was there.

Knowing that women have a right to their bodies, and everyone has a right to get married.

Only judging me a little when I openly mock jeggings for months, and then maybe sort of buy a pair… (only for boots! I swear!)

Tipping the bartender… well.

Not having a ginormous stick up your ass. (This shouldn’t be as hard to find as it is.)

Surrounding yourself with quality people who are funny, welcoming, and also don’t have ginormous sticks up their asses.

Come to think of it, I may just change my Twitter bio to “I totally don’t have a stick up my ass, even if I did hypocritically buy a pair of jeggings.” Thoughts?

Mama said share.

So, I may have mentioned before that I’ve never seen Glee. And before you yell at me and tell me how zomg it is the amazeballs!!!!! - it’s not that I didn’t want to; I just missed half of the first season and I can’t stand starting shows halfway through YES EVEN IF IT DOESN’T REALLY MATTER FOR THE STORY (call it an OCD thing), and then suddenly it was season two and then two and a half or some shit and frankly, I have like 9 seasons of the Real Housewives to keep me occupied so I figured I’d just get around to it sometime, ya dig?

Well, I’ve recently discovered that A) you can rent awesome shows from iTunes and play them on your iPad for 99 cents, and B) 45 minute elliptical workouts are a hell of a lot better when you’re watching something that you adore and not freaking ESPN 8, a la Espanol to one side and C-SPAN to the other because apparently the people on either side of you at the gym prefer to be BORED OUT OF THEIR SKULLS on the treadmill. Maybe it’s a tactic to black out ever having gone at all, so you don’t remember how miserable it is? Either way, not my cup of tea.

SO. Once I put this magical possibility together in my head, I realized that Glee is available for iTunes “renting” and it is a glorious 43 minutes per episode. AKA the perfect length for a workout, and bonus- whenever I’m feeling extra tired, a musical number kicks in! THANKS KURT-AS-BEYONCE, I NEEDED THAT.

Now sneak attack back to the ring!!!

Mmmm hmmmmm. Work that sass, ladiiiiiiiiiies!

Anyway.

So yes, folks. I am officially a Gleek, and loving it. The hardest part is that I’m only allowing myself to watch it when I’m working out, so I foresee a LOT of gym hours in my future.

(Clearly, I’m not above treating myself like a five year old who wants a candy bar if it will get my ass on the treadmill. Only my Snickers is the Acafellas, and my Reeses is watching Sue Sylvester take you down a peg or eighteen.)

Oh and, sidebar… make sure no one’s around when you watch the scene where Kurt comes out to his dad. Because HOLY TEARBALLS, BATMAN.

If you like this post, I actually run a community blog called In It To GYM It with 100+ contributors, all… you guess it… In It To GYM It. If that’s your bag, feel free to check us out over there.

Mama said share.

Okay, people. I know you want your Vegas. Get the fuck ready, cause I’m not holding back. 

My ten favorite most memorable things that I wish I could scrub from my brain with a razor blade, a la Vegas… 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

1. Whenever Maxie, RS27, Lbluca77, Shine, Mary and I are in a room together, someone’s going to get hurt. (Pride not included.) Also, this only makes me love them more, which is scientifically impossible but still true. 

RS27′s arm after battling Maxie’s curling iron: 

Maxie managed to keep a picture of her head wound from being taken, but… 

And finally, this is my own UDI (Unidentified Drunk Injury): 

That’s what happens when you snuggle Maxie too hard, I suppose.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

2. Doing a party dress fashion show (fashion show! fashion show! fashion show at LUNCH!) that involved me changing multiple times in what I did not know was an entirely see-through closet. In a hotel room full of people. And none of them TOLD me. 

Also see: me asking Shine to zip up one of said dresses. “No, really. Go ahead. Just pinch me if you have to! PINCH IT!!! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

3. Finding these shirts in Wisconsin: 

Words clearly not necessary.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

4. Discovering the art of fake retweeting friends on twitter. See Exhibits A through E. Okay, and F. (Btw that last one totally backfired on her, because some dude DM’d her “Not to be dirty… But the footjob tweet was f*cking hot! ” 

Ew ew gross get me a shower holy vomit in my hair GROSS. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

5. Sharing raunchy sex stories in one of the hotel rooms with some two dozen ladies… and RS27. 

That's about right.

My own submission? Walking in on my grandparents doing it. 

God, I’m great at parties. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

6. Surprise Trust-Falling Rachel into the pool. And by trust-falling, I mean surprise dive-bombing. She’s a sport, y’all. I did at least asked if she minded getting wet first. I did not, however, wait for an answer before shouting “TWSS!!!!!!” and launching our bodies into the air. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

7. Friday night dance party was the most magical thing ever. Two things everyone from Vegas now knows about me: 

A. If you put me in the center of the dance circle, the grand finale of my repertoire will probably be flashing the girls at my love bunnies, Katelin and Vixations. 

B. If a guy from a group of creepy straight boys passive aggressively unpops the collar of our favorite gay because he has the jealousies, I will bitch slap him upside his head. That is all. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

8. Maxie, RS27 and I dancing through the hotel singing the Always Sunny Dayman and Troll Toll songs from start to finish. Like, a dozen times. How did we not get beat up, bozos??? 

“Stage freeze!” “Don’t SAY stage freeze, just do it!!!” 

This is how you dooo iiiiiiiiiiit. (This is how you do it.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

9. Face-licking the hell out of Chelsea the moment I met her. I mean full-on tongue, to the ear, people. AND YOU ALL THOUGHT I WOULDN’T DO IT. 

Also, she rocks. See? 

No drop of beer shall go undrunk! Undranken? My head hurts.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

10. Zomg, I’m still hungover. I quit. Here’s a bunch of pretty pictures. 

We're on a PLANE!!!

Proof that Maxie is an elf.

Proof that I need a helmet.

Look! I'm normal sometimes!

Jay kaying, jay kaying. Never normal.

Adam Lambert, I mean RS27's boyfriend, I mean Ben.

Apparently, Ben thinks I should inform you guys that this was a theme party. LIKE YOU DON’T WEAR THAT EVERYDAY. Not buying it.

GIVE ME YOUR HAIRRRRRRRRRRRR (ps love you Katelin!)

Bottle service. YES WE ARE THAT BADASS. Bishes.

Finally, I have my own Ebony to my Ivory!

Me OWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

Airport french fry breakfast. And yes, my shirt says "Bayside High Technology Team." You may judge me for neither.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Everyone who came, it was a blast meeting all of you. I only wish we’d had more time and less tequila. 

LOVE YOUR FACES. 

Now excuse me while I go throw up.

UPDATE: Yes yes yes Maxie has surrendered a picture of the head wound!!! Here it is in all its purple glory…

Mama said share.

Thoughts and tidbits from my “draft ideas” folder that never quite made it into posts, but are rather entertaining all on their lonesome (says me):

1. (Inspired by Avatar): I really wish evolution hadn’t done away with our tails. How much fun would that be? What a great conversational starter in bars! The physical comedy possibilities alone are ENDLESS.

2. Every time someone farts in bed (not ME, of course, I would never), I think about the scene in Good Will Hunting where Robin Williams tells the story of the time his wife farted so loud she woke herself up and asked, “What was that??”

3. A delightful observation Foilwoman had over drinks a few weeks ago: twittering a conversation between two people- “Hey, I’ll be there in five minutes! Order me a beer!” “Okay, I’m to the left of the bar! I might order some chicken fingers!”- is the equivalent of talking really, really loudly on the metro. Whether it’s to a friend or (even more annoying) on the phone, we can alllllllllllll hear you. And, yanno… WE’D RATHER NOT.

4. Sometimes, I wish I was a more organized person. But I’ve decided that A) it’s part of my charm, and B) what the hell would y’all read about?

5. I quite often have visions of really odd things I would love to spring on people, just to see what they do. For instance, I have this recurring daydream where, during the groggy-ass morning bus commute when everyone looks like they want to kill themselves… I suddenly BLAST Lady’s Gaga’s “Just Dance” at top volume and boogie my heart out. How many people would join me in a gigantic, unprecedented dance party? (How many would call the police?)

6. I believe that dressing a man- (helping him with his cufflinks, straightening his tie)- is even hotter than undressing him… when you love him.

7. Speaking of undressing, I have a tendency to start to undress as I’m walking into the bathroom stall. You know, at work. This is absolutely going to get me in trouble one of these days… yet I do it anyway.

8. Whenever I leave a totally sappy, not-at-all-funny comment on someone’s blog, I’m always afraid Maxie will stumble on it and make fun of me. (Ed. note: Because I totally would do it to her, too.)

9. If someone took a movie of me watching a movie, it would probably be the greatest youtube video EVER. Even in the theater, my face is throughout a ridiculous overdramatized reaction to whatever’s happening on screen. I am also not allowed to have a wine glass in hand when “scary parts” come on. (“Scary parts” range from a slasher/babysitting movie to any time things get a little too tense in a Pixar flick.)

ZOMG watch out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

10. (Seeing as it’s Wednesday and all)… Would you rather have your partner cheat on you with a member of the same sex, or of the opposite? (This question brought to you by a friend far, far away that none of you know who caught her fiancé… well, um. NOT with a woman, but definitely cheating.)

Mama said share.

…To surprise your GBF for his birthday.

SURPRISEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

65 and sunny? YES. And also, PLEASE.

Some fancy mansion where they were "filming". No big deal.

The effects of juice box wine take hold.

Because it's LA, and this shiz just happens.

Ladies represent.

The other besties!

Three pitchers of margs. I mean, uh, dinner...

I love you, Tommy. Happy Birthday baby!!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

{{Hey, did you know Project Love Harder now has it’s own blog and merchandise store?? Things are flying off the shelves and old-fashioned donations are still more than welcome as we try to reach our NEW goal of $5,000. Please to check them out… after all, what could be more perfect for Valentine’s Day?? JUST SAYIN.}}

Mama said share.

We all know how this game goes… basically, whenever my friends get so offensive it shocks even me, I save it in my cute little “Shiz” gmail folder to share with you at a later date, entirely at their expense.

Love it.

Past “Shiz My Friends Say” here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lexa was less than thrilled when she saw this picture of me from my Costa Rica album… and it wasn’t because of my massive sunburn.

New comment on your post

Author : lemmonex

Comment:  Please tell me you did not PET those mongrels. 

I responded by chat…

Me: there were multiple times we were sitting at dinner and i had feral cats SNUGGLED in my lap
Lexa: OMG
Me: hahaha
Lexa: i am sorry but that is really gross
Me: i know
Lexa: no hugs for you
Me: i washed my hands!
Lexa: those scabies burrow
Me: i’ll let you know if it starts itching
Lexa: gross
Me: they wanted pets!
  who am i to deny them pets!
Lexa: uh huh
  when all your hair starts falling out
  and you start frothing at the vagina
  those pets will not be cute
Me: FROTHING AT THE VAGINA
  hahahahahahaha
Lexa: ha
   thats for shiz your friends say material there
Me: oh i already flagged it

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You should know that my friends Katie and brad have a good-sized mutt that everyone in their “up and coming” DC neighborhood refers to as a “WOLF DOG!!!” whenever they take him for a walk.

Me: okay 
  you will appreciate this 
  i was just walking through my hood
Katie: uh huh
Me: girl sitting outside at a coffee shop has a huge dog with her 
  boxer or something
  the halfway house is next door 
  one of the guys leans over the fence 
  and yells at her
  “i thought they outlawed ponies in this neighborhood!!!!”
Katie: HAHAHAHA!
  that absolutely beats wolfdog
Me: i mean he was being playful 
  but i just died 
  and all I could think was WOLF DOG
Katie: hahaha
   i get it EVERY time we walk
  either directly or i can hear it being whispered
Me: hahaha
Katie: where are all these people seeing actual wolf dogs???
  we live in DC
  i should just start saying yes
  and that he hunts babies at night for his dinner
Me: hahaha please do

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I spent a lovely Saturday morning catching up on my guilty pleasure TV…

Me: OMG
Maxie: what???
Me: THE MAYOR IS A CHILD MOLESTER
Maxie: who the dc mayor?
Me: THE KIDS IN THE BUS WERE ON HIS LITTLE LEAGUE TEAM
  no
  veronica mars
  duh
Maxie: OH HAHAHA
  for a second i was concerned that you cared about politics
  it was rocking my world and not in a good way
Me: hahahahahhaha

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Lexa told me about the St. Bernard her family had growing up…

Lexa: the st bernard was actually a good dog
Me: they’re so sweet looking
  big teddy bears
Lexa: right
  she was actually very gentle
  only dog we ever had that i fucking liked
Me: hahahaha
Lexa: best part
  i dont know if i told you this
  my mom has a big RAINBOW STICKER on our car
  for the dog
  ie
  my mom drove us around in a big gay car
  in small town RI
Me: hahahahahahahhahahaahaha
  in the 90s
  before it was cool to be gay
Lexa: right
  my mom was a visionary
  i call her the harvey milk of north smithfield
Me: hahahaha!
  thank god she’s better looking

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Life is good when you surround yourself with entertaining people.

Happy Monday Wednesday!!! Hooray short week!

Mama said share.

Today, I’m off to see my GBF from college I have seen ONCE since we gradumated in ot six. He lives in West Hollywood, but is in NYC because his company is shooting a movie and he’s a baller like that.

To say I am a wee bit excited would be the understatement of the year.

Tommy, I lub your face and I can’t wait to have another man fondle my boobs for the first time in over a year. B already gave you clearance.

SEE YOU IN SIX HOURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

P.S. I’ll be on the ‘berry, so if you’re in the area, shoot me a tweet or an email! Woot!

Mama said share.

To the man who clearly had never used a self check out line in a grocery store before and whom I watched attempt to pay for ONE WATERMELON for the Twenty. Freaking. Minutes…

I believe with all my heart that you should be sterilized.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To the woman who obviously did not need the wheelchair she was in but threw herself in B’s and my path yesterday and demanded some of our Negro Modelo…

Don’t think that I won’t cut you if you lay a finger on my beer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To my new temp, who told me all about his adoration for wine country, his refusal to live anywhere except 17th and R in Dupont, and his childhood best friend who is the J.D. to his Turk…

They’re gay, and so are you. You can stop talking about your “girlfriend” now. I know a really cute guy I could be setting you up with…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To the 4+ restaurants in my new neighborhood who are advertising half-priced burger Happy Hours…

Are you trying to kill me? Everyone knows cheese ‘n cow is my kryptonite.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To my shins, who are vehemently protesting my decision to walk 2 miles to and from work, as well as working out on lunch breaks…

Don’t you know we have a lot of cheeseburgers to work off?!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To my dear friend Elizabeth Marie, or as I like to call her, “Shankapotamus”, and whose post today is revoltingly sweet and almost made a little onion water fall out of my eye…

Why didn’t you use my Glamour Shot?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Xoxo,

LiLu

P.S. RIP, Teddy. As a Masshole, I will always think of you fondly.

Mama said share.

You may remember that last week, B promised us a guest post. Well he may be a day late and a Susan B Anthony dollar short, but he came through, as always (TWSS). Please to enjoy, my loves!

(And bee-tee-dubs, ladies and oddly curious menfolk, don’t forget to enter my Hello Kitty vibrator giveaway if you haven’t yet! Thru 11:59 PM tonight.)

Mama said share.