…and on that note, I think it’s time to rewatch Grandma’s Boy for the forty-third time.

I’d hire someone to invent a new Twitter so I didn’t go through withdrawals. We could call it “Twatter” and it’d be like the “Slanket” to the “Snuggie.” Not quite as good, but hey, at least you still have warm elbows.

Challenge 4 | Follow Me

Overview: Our TJ needs to be courageous and unafraid. We want to see if they can be magnetic and tactful enough to maintain the attention of a busy celeb. This challenge will prove that the TJ candidates can be persuasive, charming, and persistent.

Personal: If you could only follow one person on Twitter, who would it be and why?

Okay, okay. As much as it pains me, it looks like I must truly contemplate a life with a nearly empty Twitter feed. Here we go…

There are three reasons I follow someone on the Tweet; for news, for relationships/networking (IRL friends, e-friends, local DCers I could prospectively grab a beer with sometime,) and finally… to be entertained.

Dance, Twitter monkey, DANCE!!!

Anyhoo.

Although one of my favorite things about the Tweet is the instantaneous transfer of information (much like I told the fabulous Kacie from NBC, cough awesome cough), I could technically get that from other places. I get my NY Times email in the morning, I check Perez and DListed throughout the day, and if anything REALLY big happens, I can count on it being a friend’s gchat status within moments of its breaking.

So while I love having Mashable and PeopleMag, etc. updates come to my phone, I would survive without them. Somehow.

Next, we have relationships. People I know in real life, through the blog, or around the town. Real people I interact with about said news updates, opinions, life in general. That interaction, for me, is the most important thing I get OUT of Twitter… but, technically, I could make do with Facebook. Once you’ve blocked Farmville, Mafia Wars, and whatever new ridiculous fake game with no tangible reward is all the rage now, it’s not so bad. Once again, I could make do. (First world problems, yo.)

And so, that leaves entertainment. The tweets from people that just plain make me happy in the pants. The ones that make me awkwardly snort out loud at 7:30 am on my bus, or cause a startling guffaw that makes it entirely apparent to my boss I’m totes not working.

The question is, how do you pick just ONE?? Conan, Stephen Colbert, Mickey__Rourke (not actually Mickey Rourke, but if he had one, it would be this, aka HILARIOUS), Chelsea Handler, Chunk Handler…

Yes, Chunk. Chelsea’s dog. Check it out. He has 65,000 followers for a reason.

BUT, when it came down to it, I knew in my heart who I couldn’t live without.

Every Wednesday at 10, he makes me laugh myself into hysterics, all while absolutely rocking a deep V.

He inspires me to surprise trust fall perfect strangers on the National Mall.

His own tweets are freaking hilarious, and he actually responds to and interacts with his fans, both on the Tweet itself, and to our tweets ON his show. (Mocking is still engaging, technically. Especially when you’re so damn good at it.)

And for that, Mr. Daniel Tosh…

We thank you.

And on it goes!!!

Yesterday, we managed to get my dream boat Aziz Ansari to follow me on Twitter. (I love you Aziz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Today? We amp it up a bit. Today, friends… today, we humbly ask for the endorsement of the greatest new comedy out there (who JUST announced Season 2 starts September 23rd!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH)

That’s right, folks. COMMUNITY.

Twitter the following to get my comedic heroes to follow and support me as the MTV TJ candidate!!!

@JoelMcHale If you follow and RT @LivitLuvit for the @MTVTJ, she’s vowed to stop saying “It’s Miley!” in that voice from The Soup.

@MrDonaldGlover @DannyPudi If you follow and RT @LivitLuvit for the @MTVTJ, she’ll vlog a cover of “The Biblioteca” song. HALF CHECK- thank you Danny!!!! You are so freaking funny, I seriously rewatch your scenes over and over. Not in a creepy way… Now let’s get Donald!!!

@alisonbrie I heard @LivitLuvit has a huge girl crush on you, and if you follow and RT her for the @MTVTJ, she’ll learn to do the Charleston! CHECK!!! B is gonna be so jealous when I tell him she’s following me!!! Thanks Alison!

@kenjeong She’ll never look half as sexy as you in a tiger leotard, but could you follow and RT @LivitLuvit for the @MTVTJ?

@yvettenbrown We’ll all vote #Community for choice breakthrough show http://TeenChoiceAwards.com if you follow & RT @LivitLuvit for @MTVTJ! - CHECK!!! THANK YOU YVETTE!!!!!!!! <3 <3 <3 Go vote for Community now!!!

@GillianJacobs If you follow and RT @LivitLuvit for the @MTVTJ, she’ll be your spirit animal. Help her #savethefurbabies! CHECK!!!! I love you Gillian! EVERYONE WATCH COMMUNITY ALL THE TIME! Do nothing else!!!

We’re going to have to pull out the big guns for this one, no doubt. If you’re unfamiliar, and shame on you, then let me show you it.

Here’s why you should desperately want to get a beer with Donald Glover:

Here’s why you should want to put Danny Pudi in your pocket and keep him with you at all times:

Here’s why Ken Jeong is way, way more than just the MTV Movie Awards tiger song:

Here’s why I kind of want to lez it out for Allison Brie and Yvette Nicole Brown:

Here’s why you should heart Gillian Jacobs (after all, she’s TV-boned Joel McHale- JEALOUS):

Here’s why, in a nutshell, this show is the greatest thing ever on television for all time:

And finally, here’s why you should yearn for my golden unicorn, the ridiculously hot and twice as funny Joel McHale:

(Um, if you have a crush on Joel as big as I do… feel free to jump to the two minute mark. DELISH.)

Okay, friends!!! So you know what we have to do! GO FORTH, INTERNET ARMY!!!! Don’t you want to see me try to rap the biblioteca song?!

If you will remember from yesterday’s post about how kickass my fave local band Redline Addiction is (are you following them on the Tweet yet? Liked them on Facebook? Bought their albums??? GET ON IT!)- there’s another very important part to this Challenge; the “Personal” aspect.

Personal: What three musical moments have impacted your life most?

Let’s do this.

Moment The First!

When I was still a wee Masshole in the 4th grade, I got my very first CD. I played it over and over and over and OVER until I’m sure my parents wished I’d never heard of that hot new band…

ACE OF BASE!!!!!

Not only did I have the album on repeat for the better part of 1994, my teeny bopper pals and I choreographed an entire dance routine to “The Sign”- a very, very literal one- and performed it at my elementary school’s talent show for all the world to see.

Even as a munchkin, I knew not what “embarrassment” was. And I’m about to prove that I remember every. last. move…

It was cuter when I was 10. Promise.

(The crimped hair, BoSox t-shirt, and super-flared jeans are all throw backs to my years as a 90’s kid in New England. Wicked pissah, right??)

Moment The Second!

When we made it to middle school and decided that Swedish pop bands weren’t cool enough for us anymore, my super edgy friends and I dove into the swing and ska phase that swept the nation. (I guess we weren’t so edgy after all, huh.)

I’ve always loved the old school big bands and brass boys- Glenn Miller, Duke, Dizzy, Benny Goodman, Louie Armstrong. But with the arrival of Reel Big Fish, Less Than Jake, and the Cherry Poppin’ Daddies (whose album my father refused to buy me- ha!)- my love of horns suddenly had a modern place in my life.

When The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, my MOST FAVORITE BAND EVER IN THE WORLD WORLD AT LEAST THIS MONTH ANYWAY I’M A TEENAGER AND I’M FICKLE, YO!!! came to town, I begged and begged and begged my parents to let me go to my very first concert, unsupervised, on New Year’s Eve, with a pack of 14 year olds. They said no approximately 4,389 times… and then relented just in time for a very convenient Christmas present.

We were having an okay time at the Worcester Centrum, but we wanted to get down to the floor where the actual skanking was going on! Only problem was, you needed a very fancy (read: expensive) orange wristband to do it.

So, we did what any kid would do. We bought king-sized Reese’s cups (orange!), and folded the wrappers into “bracelets.”

I don’t think we fooled the guards for one second, but they must have felt sorry for our pimply little faces, because they let us onto the floor, where we proceeded to have the Best. Night. Ever. Of our pathetic adolescent little lives, anyway.

I still have that Reese’s wrapper.

Moment The Third!

Throughout my life, whenever someone has asked me who my favorite artist of all time is, I’ve not once hesitated. It is, without question, Billy My Main Man Joel.

As long as I can remember, his songs have moved me like no one else’s. Scenes from an Italian Restaurant, She’s Always a Woman, The Entertainer, Piano Man, Captain Jack, We Didn’t Start the Fire, The Longest Time, Uptown Girl… (well, okay… ALL OF THEM, basically).

And yes, especially “Only the Good Die Young,” even though I will never forget this moment; my father and I were driving home listening to it (Hi, Dad!), and at the tender and awkward age age of 16, I proudly belted out every last word. He pulled into the driveway, stopped the car, looked at me, and said,

“Do you know what that song is about?”

OHMIGOD OHMIGOD WE ARE SO NOT HAVING THIS TALK RIGHT NOW EFFFFFF MY LIFE!!!!!!

Somehow, that moment passed without me dying. And years later, when I finally- finally- got to see my musical hero live in Madison Square Garden… that is a night I will never, ever forget.

It is, undoubtedly, one of the very biggest checks on my Bucket List.

LOVE YOU BILLY, you musical genius you!!!

Bonus Round!

I promised to RickRoll a bar if y’all got me to 3,500 followers on Twitter, and by George, you did it. So last Friday at our DC Amazeballs Happy Hour, I dragged the crew over to one of my favorite spots in town, Fado, who not only allowed us to partake, they supported me throughout with Tweets and Facebook posts. You guys are the best!

Karaoke has always been one of my favorite extracurricular activities, and the Ginger’s is often my go-to song… so in short? I’d say we rocked it.

Update: So, I just watched the Ace of Base and Rick Astley videos and succession, and I realized that my skills as a choreographer are currently EXACTLY the same as they were when I was 10.

Like the post tag says, it’s a good thing I make a mean martini. (And a mean tweet. There’s no dancing in tweeting, right, MTV?!)

(Love you, B. But come on. The man wrote me a song.)

I give you, from Rahul over at I Wear T-Shirts…Sometimes, the greatest musical performance of all time.

Lyrics:

What does lilu dream of,
when she writes a pretty funny tweet
Does she think of Dj Pauly
or a You Tube reference thats sweet

Don’t you worry all you twitter peeps
She’s going to write you something witty even if it comes to in her sleep
the she’s gonna go and hashtag it up
and then we’re gonna retweet and make it lots of fun

if she’s not the next MTV TJ

Then we’ll go and get drunk!

Thanks, Rahul. I’m at work right now and I totally just lizzed myself.

WORTH IT.

Today, the 2010 Emmy nominations were announced.  This year was better than most, with “Friday Night Lights” at least being recognized for its outstanding cast (I am convinced that Tami and Eric Taylor are an actual married couple coaching football in Texas.  They are that good.)

The world's most perfect couple. Take note.

Some general thoughts:

While “Lost” may have been a life changing experience for you, I just haven’t gotten into it (yet).  At some lonely point in my life I’m sure I’ll devote a month to watching the entire series and then self-flagellate for ever daring to speak ill of “The Gospel According to J.J.”  Sorry, y’all. This is one hatch I’m just not going down.

Saturday Night Live should never receive an award for anything.  However, Betty White was nominated for her appearance on the show – I’ll allow it.

Likewise, “Two and A Half Men” should be immediately canceled and Charlie Sheen should be locked up so he can’t do any more damage. Oh, wait- isn’t that happening? Furthermore, I have a visceral dislike for anything on CBS.  However, I do enjoy their “CSI: Ghost Whisper – LA.”

While I wasn’t initially in love with “Treme” (I know it is unfair to compare it to the Wire, but it was somewhat underwhelming) some of the acting in the show was undeniably amazing. Bunk, I love you, man.

Also, if I saw the “Best Actor in a Comedy” noms five years ago they may have made sense.  Today, not so much.  I get it, Tony Shalhoub, Larry David and this Jim Parsons character are neurotic- it’s gotten old.  And let’s face facts, The Office is no longer funny (with the exception of Andy Bernard, and that’s partially because I hear the Tiger Song in my head every time he’s on screen).

I’ve never seen “The Good Wife.”  I don’t plan to.

Sidebar: Alec Baldwin, you are a golden god.

DRAMA SERIES

“Breaking Bad” (AMC)
“Dexter” (Showtime)
“The Good Wife” (CBS) – Friday Night Lights (FX)
“Lost” (ABC)
“Mad Men” (AMC)
“True Blood” (HBO)

COMEDY SERIES
“Curb Your Enthusiasm” (HBO) – Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FX)
“Glee” (Fox)
“Modern Family” (ABC)
“Nurse Jackie” (Showtime) – Party Down (Starz)
“The Office” (NBC) – Parks & Recreation (NBC)
“30 Rock” (NBC)

ACTOR IN A COMEDY

Jim Parsons – “Big Bang Theory” — Charlie Day (Charlie)“Always Sunny in Philadelphia)
Larry David – “Curb Your Enthusiasm” — Adam Scott (Henry)“Party Down”
Matthew Morrison – “Glee” – Danny McBride (Kenny ‘Fuckin’ Powers) “Eastbound & Down”
Tony Shalhoub – “Monk” — Joel McHale (Jeff Winger) “Community”
Steve Carell – “The Office” — David Dukovny (Hank Moody) “Californication”
Alec Baldwin – “30 Rock”

ACTOR IN A DRAMA

Bryan Cranston – “Breaking Bad”
Michael C. Hall – “Dexter”
Kyle Chandler – “Friday Night Lights”
Hugh Laurie – “House” — Ron Pearlman “Sons of Anarchy”
Matthew Fox – “Lost” — Clarke Peters (Albert Lambreaux) “Treme”
Jon Hamm – “Mad Men”

(This one’s a tie. Kyle has my head but Jon has my loins, I mean heart.)

ACTRESS IN A COMEDY

Lea Michele – “Glee”
Julia Louis-Dreyfus – “Old Christine” – Insert anyone but her. The glory days, they are behind you.
Edie Falco – “Nurse Jackie”
Amy Poehler – “Parks And Recreation”
Tina Fey – “30 Rock”
Toni Collette – “United States Of Tara”

ACTRESS IN A DRAMA

Kyra Sedgwick – “The Closer” – Katey Sagal (Gemma Teller) “Sons of Anarchy”
Glenn Close – “Damages”
Connie Britton – “Friday Night Lights”
Julianna Margulies – “The Good Wife” – Melissa Leo (Toni Bernette)“Treme”
Mariska Hargitay – “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit” – Khandi Alexander “Treme”
January Jones – “Mad Men” –  Elizabeth Moss (Peggy) “Mad Men”

SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY

Chris Colfer – “Glee”
Neil Patrick Harris – “How I Met Your Mother”
Jesse Tyler Ferguson – “Modern Family”
Eric Stonestreet – “Modern Family”
Ty Burrell – “Modern Family”

SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA

Aaron Paul – “Breaking Bad”
Martin Short – “Damages” – Alexander Skarsgard “True Blood” (Oh god YES)
Terry O’Quinn – “Lost” – Walton Goggins (Boyd) “Justified”
Michael Emerson – “Lost” – John Noble (Walter) “Fringe”
John Slattery – “Mad Men”
Andre Braugher – “Men Of A Certain Age” — Zach Gilford (Matt Saracen) “Friday Night Lights”

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY

Jane Lynch – “Glee”
Julie Bowen – “Modern Family”
Sofia Vergara – “Modern Family”
Kristen Wiig – “Saturday Night Live” – SNL must never win an award.
Jane Krakowski – “30 Rock”
Holland Taylor – “Two And A Half Men” – (Charlie Sheen and that stupid fat kid embody everything that is wrong with America)

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA

Sharon Gless – “Burn Notice”
Rose Byrne – “Damages” – Kim Dickens (Jeanette Desautel) “Treme”
Archie Panjabi – “The Good Wife”
Christine Baranski – “The Good Wife”
Christina Hendricks – “Mad Men”
Elisabeth Moss – “Mad Men”

VARIETY, MUSIC, OR COMEDY SERIES

“The Colbert Report” (Comedy Central)
“The Daily Show With Jon Stewart” (Comedy Central)
“Real Time With Bill Maher” (HBO)
“Saturday Night Live” (NBC) – Anything but SNL
“The Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien” (NBC) – just to stick it to Leno, that dick.

Move over, Sandy. (Too soon?) America has a new sweetheart, and it’s Betty White. Her new show “Hot in Cleveland” just got picked up for Season 2.

This time, Betty gets to be the Blanche. Me OW.

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Lilo (girl needs to change that nickname, stat!) will be taking FIVE prescriptions with her to jail.

Don’t worry... I'm sure they're actually for Michael anyway.

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Worst. Headline. EVERRRRRRRRRRRR.

I'd like to award this a giant honorary Fail Whale.

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The drama with Mel continues: Oksana claims she secretly recorded him admitting to hitting her.

"That's what happens to douchebags," said the devil, as he removed his boot from Mel's ass.

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Kendra may have just released her book, “Sliding Into Home,” but apparently, her new hubby’s sliding intro strippers.

So, I’m stoked about the MTV TJ’s first challenge! Here it is in a nushell: 

(Help, help! How did I get into this nutshell!) 

Ahem. 

CHALLENGE: 

Description: The MTV TJ needs to be self aware and self assured. It is important that we see how the TJ candidate expresses their own identity, but also how they use their social aptitudes to unite and bring people together. With this challenge, the TJ candidate will be asked to tell their personal story through a digital medium of their choice, and to boost their network of followers on Twitter. 

Personal: Who are you? Answer using any form of media available to you. Examples include text, images, sound, or video. 

Social: Using your social skills and promotional abilities, increase your Twitter following (!!!!!) by as many users as possible. 

So, yanno, feel free to tweet the following… 

RT @LivitLuvit Pledge: So if I can hit 3500 followers by July 8 midnight, I will film myself rickrolling a bar and post it. BAM #zyncMTVTJ 

(Also, you can just click here to share my plight with your friends on the ‘Book. Love you long time. SMOOCHES.)  

Well, I’ve got something amazing in the works a la vlog to answer this burning question of WHO AM I, but in the meantime, I’d like to introduce my new followers to LiLu via my internet faves. If you want to know me, my sense of humor, what I love and what I’m about, you need to know about these… 

1. Hampster on a Piano, (Eating Popcorn on a Piano) 

Oh, Hampster and I. We go way back. Since the first moment I saw this video, about lizzed myself, and immediately tried to make it my ringtone, I knew we would forever be as one. 

2. SNL – Don Draper’s Guide to Picking Up Women 

Yes, this is partly because he’s the second sexiest man on earth next to B, but also because A) it’s one of the few truly greats to come out of SNL in the past decade, and B) OH EM GEE, THE AWESOME, IT IS OVERPOWERING. 

Also? C. Funny cause it’s true. 

3. Kitten Mittons – Always Sunny in Philadelphia. 

(Yes, mittons. Not “mittens.” You’ll see.) 

I laughed. I cried. I almost convinced myself to learn to crochet. And then I remembered I prefer drinking beer. 

But the video still kills me, each and every time. 

4. Where the Hell is Matt? (2008)

For the Schmoopy McSchmooperson in all of us. I’ve seen it over and over and over, and I still can’t get through it without tears welling up in my eyes. I once said here that one of my greatest fears is the knowledge that I’m going to live my life without meeting even a billionth of the people on this earth. That remains true, and I think it’s why this video touches me so much… the man had a mission, and while making this video, he lived out my dream of meeting so many new people. 

5. One of my own: “Surprise Trust Falls: Abusing Tourists on the National Mall”

(inspired by my lover @danieltosh over at Tosh.0 )

I’ll say it. I’m just damn proud of this one. Make sure you make it to the happy ending!!!

Honorary mention: Kids re-enact Little ‘Jersey Shore’

Because hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha YES.

Hey there, cowboy! Get ready, cause I’m about to crack an egg of knowledge all over your head.

And by “knowledge” I mean pure, unadulterated awesome.

My father is to thank for sending me this shitshow of awkward-yet-mind-blowing-hilariousity I’m about to drop on you…

It really is no surprise where I came from, is it?

Happy long weekend 4th of July, poodlekins! If that video’s not freaking American, I don’t know what is.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hey! Have you tweeted yet today? (If you don’t know what this is about, please to clicky here!)

Follow @LivitLuvit, my favorite contestant in the @MTVTJ search for MTV’s first Twitter Jockey! #zyncmtvtj

(Feel free to get creative, the above suggestion is just for your copy & paste convenience. Cause I’m good like that.)

The actual VOTING will start on July 7, and it will be via Facebook. (I know, the irony…) Anyway! You will only get to have to vote once, so make sure we’re Facebook friends and I’ll send ya a reminder! WOOT!!!

(FYI? This was entirely out of the blue, around 3pm yesterday. We had not spoken all day.)

Lil Sis: OMG I was just in the work kitchen for like 5 minutes, and I just sat back at my desk, looked down, and I had gotten like a gallon of sauce on my khaki pants.
      Now that I’ve washed most of it off, I of course look like I peed myself.

Me: *dying laughing* You are SO my sister.

Lil Sis: I still have a suspicious orangey patch. I can’t wait to go home where I don’t have to be hampered by all these clothes!

Me: Omg stop, you are making me laugh OUT LOUD. … (That’s “lol” if you’re a cool kid.)

Lil Sis: LOL I HATE CLOTHES THEY ARE TOO MUCH WORK

Me: I go through this every morning. If I didn’t have to dress myself every day, my life would improve by 50% betterness. Fact.

Lil Sis: I can handle shirts.

Me: See, I’m a dress girl. It’s the onesie for adults.

Lil Sis: I just don’t understand why there are any situations in life where jeans aren’t appropriate!

Me: Agreed. It’s 2010 people! Obama’s getting rid of the tie, for God’s sake, let’s GET RID OF THE PANT.

Lil Sis: Well first of all, if I wear a dress there’s no place to clip my badge so I’ll be getting locked out all day.

Me: I just make a place- bunch a little bit of it. It’s extra sexy.

Lil Sis: But most importantly, to wear a dress I have to have freshly-shaven legs. And that’s more work than clean pants!

Me: Says who? No one really looks. You just can’t go out in the sunshine. Vampire ftw!

Lil Sis: Says my white skin and dark brown hair. This is why jeans are heaven… never wrinkled, never look dirty, no exposure. Mmmmmmmmm jeans.

Me: I’m with ya. Preaching to the choir here. … Except that it’s been 100 degrees for a month.

Lil Sis: Well, clearly clothes are the devil.

Me: With that, sweet sister, I concur.

Just another Xmas in the LiLu household.*

*Disclaimer: My sister is insisting I inform you that these sweaters were donned ironically. Well, DUH.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hey! Have you tweeted yet today? (If you don’t know what this is about, please to clicky here!)

Follow @LivitLuvit, my favorite contestant in the @MTVTJ search for MTV’s first Twitter Jockey! #zyncmtvtj

(Feel free to get creative, the above suggestion is just for your copy & paste convenience. Cause I’m good like that.)

The actual VOTING will start on July 7, and it will be via Facebook. (I know, the irony…) Anyway! You will only get to have to vote once, so make sure we’re Facebook friends and I’ll send ya a reminder! WOOT!!!

Hey! Have you tweeted today yet? (If you don’t know what this is about, please to clicky here!)

Follow @LivitLuvit, my favorite contestant in the @MTVTJ search for MTV’s first Twitter Jockey! #zyncmtvtj

(Feel free to modify, the above suggestion is just for your copy & paste convenience. Cause I’m good like that.)

Update: I just found out voting will start on July 7th, and it will be via Facebook. (I know, the irony…) Anyway! You will only get to have to vote once, so make sure we’re Facebook friends and I’ll send ya a reminder! WOOT!!!

And now back to our regular programming…

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Last week, bored in an airport with only my laptop to entertain myself, I of course turned to you, the interwebs, to keep me company. And as always, you did not fail me.

With one simple question, my internet life flashed before my eyes.

And hot DAMN if y’all didn’t rally.

Without further ado, I present to you…

A History of The Internet via Viral Videos We Loved

The Hamster Dance! (click through for the song)

Alien Singing I Will Survive!

The “Oogachaka” Dancing Baby

“Fat Kid Singing Numa Numa Yei”

Banned Commerical – “Blind Date”

“Star Wars Kid”

“Chocolate Rain” by Tay Zonday

“Sneezing Baby Panda”

“Chinese Backstreet Boys”

“Shoes… OMG, Shoes!”

Will Ferrell’s “The Landlord”

(Apparently, the munchkin is Jeremy Piven’s niece! Um, awesome?? Thanks lbluca77!)

Ahhh, how they take me back. Happy Friday, lovebugs!!!

Update: I’m totally adding more with your suggestions, so bring ‘em on!

Liza Minnelli, living legend, aspiration for drag queens everywhere, and putting Beyonce to shame with her “Single Ladies” rendition in SATC2.

One of my most favoritest crazy birds in the world. From Arrested Development to making Michael Jackson the best man at her fourth wedding to her brilliant Snickers commercial with Betty White, this diva just won’t quit, and I freaking love it.  

But last night on Kathy Griffin’s premiere, the montage of Liza’s laugh… well… I guess you just had to be there. Nonetheless, this chick has been crazypants through the ages, and I just plain adore her for it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

Britney Spears, just plain being Britney Spears.  

She hasn’t even done anything that batshit lately, but let’s be honest, she’ll forever have an honorary place on this list for our generation. Like 9/11 and Katrina, so too will this horrifying image forever be etched into our minds:  

Oh, Brit Brit. Please stop procreating. Xoxo, LiLu

Although apparently she has just been accused of “physical harassing” of one of her bodyguards… by nakedness.   

Never a dull moment with you, chica.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

Kelly Bensimon, Real Housewives of New York.  

This one can’t really be explained in words. Mostly because she doesn’t know how to use them. At least, not in coherent sentences.  

Listen, lady friend… when Bethenny Frankel pities you, you’ve pretty much hit rock bottom. But never fear… I’m sure Dr. Drew’s already got a room prepped for you on Celebrity Rehab. 

Wow. Just… WOW. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

Megan Fox, Passion Play, kicked off of Transformers, and new possessor of a “tribute to Mickey Rourke” tattoo.  

I almost didn’t include her, because I’ve always felt she’s so desperately trying to be old-school Angelina (you know, Billy Bob Thornton boning, vial-of-his-blood carrying, make out with your brother Angelina). But then I saw faux-Mickey’s tweet re: the tattoo, and frankly, it’s worth it just to share that:  

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Miley “I’m Not Trying To Be A Slut” Cyrus, Hannah Montana, musical artist, and posing all sexy-like with her dad.  

It's Miley!

“I’m really comfortable with my body,” she says. “I feel more comfortable dressing with a little less, which is just how I’ve always been. Now I’m able to do that a little more freely and, also, I’ve just grown up to be this way too.”  

via Zap 2 it  

At least it's a onesie?

That’s fine, little lady. I honestly have no problem with a gal wanting to whore it up every once in a while; every girl has her “promiscuous year” in college. (Except me, Mom. What’s a penis?)  

All I’m asking is that you OWN it. Go all Xtina: The Dirty Years on us! Stop worrying about what everyone thinks and just admit you’re slutting it up for a while, even if it is only musically.

Can’t cheat on daddy, after all.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

Danielle Staub, Real Housewives of New Jersey.  

Every week, I think this crazy ass bitch can’t get any crazier. And every week, bless her heart, she proves me so very, very wrong. To the point where I took a “Which Real Housewife of New Jersey are you?” quiz, and B told me, quite seriously, that if I got Danielle… we were through. 

Honestly, I wouldn’t even blame him. (No worries, I’m Dina, apparently. Though I kind of see myself as more of a Caroline. *shrugs*) 

Just watch as much as you can stomach… you’ll get the idea.

Danielle, I hereby crown you Crazy Ass Bitch of the month. We salute you!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

Honorary mentions: Speidi and the Gosselins, who have blessedly somehow disappeared from the news lately. Maybe there’s hope for your souls yet!  

…NAHHHHHHHHHH.

~So. Remember that time I promise you an amazing surprise today? Um, well…

I lied.

Not on purpose, trust- no one is more disappointed than me that we have to wait… but it’s only a couple days, chickadees. I promise by the end of this week, you shall be privy to my fantabulous news… 

*cue suspenseful music, slash, me feeling like a total ahole* ~

Anyway, back to our regular programming for the time being…

You all know this game by now. Time for another installment of “The Shiz My Boyfriend Says.” Woot!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

B’s friend K is over and showing us his stylish new glasses, or as he calls them, his “FIRIN’ GLASSES.”

Firin' glasses.

K: Do you guys have glasses?

B: Yeah, I had glasses once. But then I lost them so I never got them again. They make your eyes weaker. Fuck that noise. I’m a MAN!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As I’ve mentioned, this Friday is our two-year anniversary. My present for B is stashed in my closet, but his present for me hasn’t come yet. Not being someone who can ever wait for anything, I’ve been begging him to let me give him his since it arrived…

Me: Pleeeeeeeeeease can I give you your present?

B: No!

*We’re watching Tosh.0, as they feature a video mocking homeless people*

B: Did you get me a homeless person?

Me: No, but that’d be AWESOME. Then we’d have a dishwasher!!!

I know. So wrong. Blame it on the ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-alcohol…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A smelly B arrives home from his soccer game, and I have a flashback to the last time he came home, which somehow resulted in his vile soccer socks being draped over my (yes, still unpacked) luggage bag from Vegas.

Me: Don’t you put your dirty soccer socks on my suitcase this time!!!

B: *shrugs* I can’t help it, baby, that’s the Drying Place!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Trying to find a new show on Netflix Watch Instantly, we stumble across “Satisfaction,” a series featuring the working gals of an Australian brothel.

Me: Um, I’m not so sure about this one.

B: You’re always so against me wanting to see 18 year old shirtless girls! You never support any of my hobbies!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My present better be something amazeballs.

~Hey! Are you reading this in a Reader? That’s cool… don’t want the man to see you being lazy, for sure. But do me a wee favor and click here, just for a second, if you don’t mind… *vague and mysterious ftw*~

Well, it finally happened.

I knew it was going to. I could have stopped it. I could have prevented it, if only I had taken a precious few seconds of my life to think before I acted.

Ok, wait. Let’s back it up. (Ha. That will be punny in a moment.)

Every once in a while, I have to pee. Consequently, I will, at times, use a restroom. Sometimes I even do it at work.

But, see, here’s the thing. I have this really bad efficient habit of, um, “getting ready” before I enter the stall. “Making preparations,” if you will.

Must’ve been all those years of Brownies.

(And by years, I mean one. One class. Brownies freaking blew.)

So, yeah, without fail, I begin the pulling-down-of-the-pants, or the pulling-up-of-the-skirt, before I am actually within in the confines of a specific cube of bathroom privacy.

Which means that anyone walking in said bathroom would unwillingly be privy to a sneak preview of my bathing suit area.

Given that this is A) a women’s restroom and B) a place of work, I’ll go out on a limb here and say that none of the potential viewers want a piece of that.

And I KNOW this. I think about it every time I go to the bathroom, and think,

“Damn! I did it again! Moron… one of these days it is gonna happen, and it’s not going to be pretty. Check yoself!”

But I still do it every. damn. time.

And yesterday, Wile E. Coyote finally caught the Road Runner.

Or something.

Basically, I mooned my boss.

I'm slightly better looking.

No, that’s not accurate, actually…

I mooned my BOSS’ boss.

Is there a someecard for that?

~Hey! Are you reading this in a Reader? That’s cool… don’t want the man to see you being lazy, for sure. But do me a wee favor and click here, just for a second, if you don’t mind… *vague and mysterious ftw*~

Well, well, well. How fast time flies when you’re having fun. 

Or telling each other fart jokes. 

Accentuated with actual farts. 

What? 

Point being, next weekend will mark two years of B and I thoroughly entertaining each other (and, hopefully, you as well.) 

Unfortunately, I am an asshole, and managed to book a trip home to Boston for Father’s Day without realizing the other anniversial special occasion.

(P.S. June 17th? Gonna be in Beantown? HIT ME UP YO)

Fortunately, a) B and I always end up doing presents a week early anyway, because I’m too impatient to wait, and b) now he has a freebie in the bag for the next time he screws up. 

Fair’s fair. 

So! I have spent the last couple weeks scouring the interwebs for something original. Thoughtful, even. At the very least, something I can enjoy as well. (What?) 

And I’m here to tell you, e-friends… do NOT Google “anniversary gift for him.” Just don’t do it. 

Because this is what you’ll get: 

Once he finished laughing, we would never hold hands again.

Do you get to "park" your penis if you land on Park Place?

Right. I'm totally going to spend 20 bucks on a fucking SILVER FORTUNE COOKIE. I'd rather have a $20 gift certificate to the Dollar Store.

Vom, vom, vom, vom in my hair, VOM.

This is a "pocket keepsake." It'd almost be worth it to see the look on our friends' faces when he accidentally pulled it out.

"And every year, we drink a bottle of rosé, do our Love Puzzle, and then punch each other in the face."

Love Throw Pillow. Alternate title: "An Excuse to Never Have Guests at Your Home Again."

Okay, okay. Clean the proverbial barf off yourself and let’s get down to business. I knew a traditional google search clearly wasn’t going to cut it, so with the help of Twitter (you guys are freaking awesome, bee tee dubs), we collaborated and came up with the following actually respectable anniversary gifts for a dude. 

And so, I give you: 

“A Realistic Anniversary Gift-Giving Guide for a 20-Something Dude”

Always Sunny in Philly approved Dick Towel! No explanation necessary.

It's up! It's down! It's... confusing, yet awesome.

What dude WOULDN'T want his very own pub sign?

Mini kegerator? Just change my name to "B's hero" already.

My favorite meaning for the phrase "I'm packin'."

Night vision goggles. Just cause I can't see a dude NOT getting excited over these.

A shitload of meat. (DUH.)

Um. Does this come in His and Hers? Because YES and also PLEASE.

And no, I didn’t ruin the surprise, because what I actually got him is even more bad ass than all of this. 

(No pressure…) 

Know of something else awesome to give a dude that doesn’t involve the word “snuggling”, matching lockets, or something so corny even his mom would laugh at it? Leave it in El Commentos!

*And just in case anyone’s not familiar with the Love Fern…

~Hey! Are you reading this in a Reader? That’s cool… don’t want the man to see you being lazy, for sure. But do me a wee favor and click here, just for a second, if you don’t mind… *vague and mysterious ftw*~

So! My (23 year old) baby sister joined the rat race a few weeks ago. Though we both built character worked through college, she was in restaurants and bank teller-ing, so she’s never had the full-fledged “Office Space” experience before.

It’s been beyond hilarious for me to witness her (via many gchat conversations) discover all the horrible things that come along with the cubicle farm environment, like crotchety old coworkers, bathroom trials and tribulations (the stand-off!!!), pretending to looking busy, avoiding getting dragged into a “lunch group,” etc. etc.

One of the biggest things we both despise about working with people-we-didn’t-choose in a professional setting is, of course, the small talk.

OH GOD, the small talk. If I could banish its existence from this world, I would. I would make everyone’s mouth disappear the moment they tried to talk about the weather, or their kid’s birthday party, or their irritable bowel syndrome.

It would be magical.

But alas, I have no unicorn to speak of, and so we must suffer through it.

Anyhoo, as she was mocking her coworkers yesterday for their endless droning on about insignificant stuff ‘n things, the following conversation ensued…

Lil Sis: seriously, they’re talking about fucking BJs right now
  like literally what things cost

me: who!

Lil Sis: work people

me: *silence*

Lil Sis: You can get 14 bars of Lever soap for like $7!

me: OH
  oh my god.

Lil Sis: RIGHT?

me: um… NOT what i thought you meant when you said BJs.

Lil Sis: ooooo hahahahaha

Apparently, I’ve been away from Massachusetts so long, I’ve forgotten that BJ’s can also mean this:

I kill myself.

Also, now I’m kind of wondering about what they cost.

And not the wholesale kind.




P.S. Thanks to DC Blogs for the shout-out to my neon orange Jersey Shore tribute/condemnation yesterday!

(I’m probably bipolar.)

You all know this game by now. Time for another installment of “The Shiz My Boyfriend Says.” Woot!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yesterday, B dropped off our yoga mats to our (phenomenal) neighborhood bartender for their kids event this Saturday. Upon returning home…

B: So I dropped the mats off, and she came out from the bar like she was going to give me a hug, and we just stood there looking at each other. So awkward.

Me: What? Why wouldn’t you give her a hug??

B: I don’t do hugs.

Me: …….

B: You know those people who like to hug all the time? I’m basically the opposite of that. Not for me.

Me: But I hug you all the time!

B: Well, you’re different.

Me: (pause of disbelief) Um, not even joking? I bought a shirt that says “Free Hugs” today.

B: Well, here we are.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We see a commercial for Saw 19 or whatever.

Me: Seriously?? (meaning, they’re actually making ANOTHER of these?)

B: I know, didn’t that guy die in the first one?

Me: I don’t know. I don’t watch that horror shit.

B: Oh, that’s right… cause you’re a goddamn coward.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I look up to see B feeding Axe Murderer bits of chicken on top of the bookshelf. He grabs a nearby paper towel and takes a half-hearted swipe at the mess.

Me: Um, gross. Can you at least get a WET paper towel?

B: Why, so you can EAT off there?! Sheesh.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Trying out our new HD Blu-Ray, an episode of Legend of the Seeker is on. I should probably mention that the main character looks like this:

You can use your Sword of Truth on me anytime, baby.

Me: Oh Richard… so shirtless.

B: What! I’m taking the Blu-Ray back!!

Me: Oh, please. There’s more than enough boobs-in-slow-mo fight scenes to make this even.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

See you all tonight at the Happy Hour, lovebugs! Chinatown Vapiano’s after work, but Maxie and I will be there at 4 to squat at a table for us if you’re out early. I’ll be on the tweet if you can’t find us.

Do it!!!

(And share the button if you’re coming!)

<a href="http://www.livitluvit.com/2010/05/because-apparently-i-didnt-get-enough-to-drink-in-vegas.html"><img class="aligncenter" src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3382/4641327737_8457fb1000_o.jpg" alt="DC HH June 4" width="300" height="370" /></a>

~take it, leave it, love it, spank it~

Last Friday, we had a little whine ‘n cheese party for a colleague who’s retiring. Which is nice and all, if you’re into forced smalltalk with a group of lawyers who constantly ask a) when you’re going to law school (never?); b) when you’re getting married; and c) what did you do last weekend so they can live vicariously through you.

But seeing as it was FRIDAY!!!!! and we’d been given permission to leave at 2 pm for the holiday weekend, I listened to the head honcho give his speech, bobbed my head knowingly at the appropriate moments, and then made like a tree back to my office cubicle wide open desk in the middle of a room where every single person can see my shit.

Hmm. I really need to stop looking at stuffonmycat.com.

Anyhoodle, I had work to finish, and hot damn if I was gonna be in the building even a minute after 2. (I am nothing if not a dedicated employee. …Dedicated to getting the fuck out of as soon as possible, that is.)

People were filtering in and out from the party while I worked, but I was as one-track-minded as a 13 year old boy watching Basic Instinct for the first time.

It was 1:53 and the clock was ticking down. Jack Bauer had nothing on me as I furiously printed, copied, emailed, and TPS-reported my way towards the deadline.

As I began the requisite preparations for my departure (starting with the change to flipflops under the desk, and working my way up to the more obvious “I’m OUTTAAAAAAAAAA HERE!!!!! turning off of the computer), my nostrils were very suddenly assaulted by an extremely pungent odor. The scent of a sweaty man’s gym socks punched me in the face, while an eau de Jersey Turnpike gave me a one-two uppercut to the nose.

Dazed and confused (FAH Q!), I quickly looked down at myself in horror. Was it even possible for a human being to smell that way?? I hadn’t worked out, I’d showered that morning, I have no history with any sort of BO (no, this does NOT count)… in fact, I’d NEVER smelled anything so horrible emanating from any living creature (well, other than kitten diarrhea) in my life.

Just as I was devising an emergency plan of action to get down to the office gym showers jump out the window out of pure mortification, I happened to glance over at the table to my right, aka our office’s “dumping ground” for all things edible, be it holiday treats, party leftovers, etc.

Sitting there, with those wavy lines in the air literally enamating from the source, was a plate of the moldiest, stinkiest cheese this side of the Atlantic.

(Gotta give the Frenchies their due. I’m sure they’ve come up with something smellier. But I never, ever want to meet it.)

After I wept tears of relief that I was not to be the new poster child for Smelly Kids Anonymous, I grabbed my bag and checked out a whopping five minutes early. I figured I’d earned it.

Though thankfully, there were no battle wounds odors to prove it.

Okay, people. I know you want your Vegas. Get the fuck ready, cause I’m not holding back. 

My ten favorite most memorable things that I wish I could scrub from my brain with a razor blade, a la Vegas… 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

1. Whenever Maxie, RS27, Lbluca77, Shine, Mary and I are in a room together, someone’s going to get hurt. (Pride not included.) Also, this only makes me love them more, which is scientifically impossible but still true. 

RS27’s arm after battling Maxie’s curling iron: 

Maxie managed to keep a picture of her head wound from being taken, but… 

And finally, this is my own UDI (Unidentified Drunk Injury): 

That’s what happens when you snuggle Maxie too hard, I suppose.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

2. Doing a party dress fashion show (fashion show! fashion show! fashion show at LUNCH!) that involved me changing multiple times in what I did not know was an entirely see-through closet. In a hotel room full of people. And none of them TOLD me. 

Also see: me asking Shine to zip up one of said dresses. “No, really. Go ahead. Just pinch me if you have to! PINCH IT!!! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

3. Finding these shirts in Wisconsin: 

Words clearly not necessary.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

4. Discovering the art of fake retweeting friends on twitter. See Exhibits A through E. Okay, and F. (Btw that last one totally backfired on her, because some dude DM’d her “Not to be dirty… But the footjob tweet was f*cking hot! ” 

Ew ew gross get me a shower holy vomit in my hair GROSS. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

5. Sharing raunchy sex stories in one of the hotel rooms with some two dozen ladies… and RS27. 

That's about right.

My own submission? Walking in on my grandparents doing it. 

God, I’m great at parties. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

6. Surprise Trust-Falling Rachel into the pool. And by trust-falling, I mean surprise dive-bombing. She’s a sport, y’all. I did at least asked if she minded getting wet first. I did not, however, wait for an answer before shouting “TWSS!!!!!!” and launching our bodies into the air. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

7. Friday night dance party was the most magical thing ever. Two things everyone from Vegas now knows about me: 

A. If you put me in the center of the dance circle, the grand finale of my repertoire will probably be flashing the girls at my love bunnies, Katelin and Vixations. 

B. If a guy from a group of creepy straight boys passive aggressively unpops the collar of our favorite gay because he has the jealousies, I will bitch slap him upside his head. That is all. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

8. Maxie, RS27 and I dancing through the hotel singing the Always Sunny Dayman and Troll Toll songs from start to finish. Like, a dozen times. How did we not get beat up, bozos??? 

“Stage freeze!” “Don’t SAY stage freeze, just do it!!!” 

This is how you dooo iiiiiiiiiiit. (This is how you do it.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

9. Face-licking the hell out of Chelsea the moment I met her. I mean full-on tongue, to the ear, people. AND YOU ALL THOUGHT I WOULDN’T DO IT. 

Also, she rocks. See? 

No drop of beer shall go undrunk! Undranken? My head hurts.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

10. Zomg, I’m still hungover. I quit. Here’s a bunch of pretty pictures. 

We're on a PLANE!!!

Proof that Maxie is an elf.

Proof that I need a helmet.

Look! I'm normal sometimes!

Jay kaying, jay kaying. Never normal.

Adam Lambert, I mean RS27's boyfriend, I mean Ben.

Apparently, Ben thinks I should inform you guys that this was a theme party. LIKE YOU DON’T WEAR THAT EVERYDAY. Not buying it.

GIVE ME YOUR HAIRRRRRRRRRRRR (ps love you Katelin!)

Bottle service. YES WE ARE THAT BADASS. Bishes.

Finally, I have my own Ebony to my Ivory!

Me OWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

Airport french fry breakfast. And yes, my shirt says "Bayside High Technology Team." You may judge me for neither.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Everyone who came, it was a blast meeting all of you. I only wish we’d had more time and less tequila. 

LOVE YOUR FACES. 

Now excuse me while I go throw up.

UPDATE: Yes yes yes Maxie has surrendered a picture of the head wound!!! Here it is in all its purple glory…

…but that doesn’t mean I didn’t leave you a little sumin sumin.

Check it out here.

Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!