Ahhhhhhhhh it’s been two weeks!!! What the what? How in the???

I missed you guys.

SO. Yes, the shiny new job is everything I hope it would be and more. I am a lucky, lucky girl… DON’T I KNOW IT.

There is so much going on my head is spinning, LIT-RALLY, but it’s all good- nay, great- so you won’t hear a peep of complaint out of me. I’ve been trying to scale back all those extra little projects I constantly seem to take on, but I think at my core I’m happiest when I’m busy and plotting planning and meeting friends and making connections, so as long as I’m “juggling” rather than “burning out at a terrifying pace”, life is what it is- one big, happy, crazy mess of STUFF ‘N THINGS that I adore.

For example, DC friends! It’s been far too long since we clinked a beer together. Let’s fix that at Tonic (Mt. Pleasant) on Wednesday, Jan. 26th, mmmkay? They’ve recently renovated the upstairs bar (next to Radius Pizza) and it is THE GORGEOUS. My dear friend Patrice, the best bartender in the world, will be personally taking care of our group, so RSVP here (no physical ‘ticket’ needed to come- that’s just Eventbrite’s way, just sign up and you’re good to go) and I’ll see you then! (Half-priced burgers, beers, and more… and don’t forget, Tonic is the king of the tator tot!)

Now! For everyone NOT in DC, it’s also been too long since I saw you. Particularly if we’ve never met.

Let’s fix that.

This May 19th-22nd, bloggers from all over the USofA and beyond will converge on America’s Playground, aka Las Vegas (Vegas, baby, Vegas!!!) for the renowned BLOGGERS IN SIN CITY ultimate meetup. Four days of drinking, bonding, sun, drinking, unicorns, hugs, dance parties, and drinking. All the info you need is here, but feel free to ask me any questions in the comments if you’re thinking about coming (please do!) It was an absolute blast last year, and with more organization and some crazy awesome sponsorship, this year promises to be even better. What what!!!

Next up: I finally decided to make one of those rad “Facebook pages” the kids are all talking about for this here blog, so if you want to add a little glitter to my day, head on over to the ‘book and LIKE this crazy thing. I’ll also be deleting my “blog” profile in lieu of that page, so if you wanna KIT, that’s where to do it!

Finally (housekeeping! You want me fluff your pillow?) – after a wonderful year as a contributing editor with DC Blogs, I’ve decided to relinquish my Tuesday slot to someone who has more time on their hands and is able to truly find the best, the brightest, and the most colorful from around the DC blogosphere. If you’re interested in being a weekly contributing editor at DC Blogs, shoot them an email with your info (name, url, etc.) and why you want to be a part of that stellar community (and trust me, it is).

*phew*

So that’s my news! What’s yours?

Mama said share.

I usually try not to offend too much at this little place (guys! GUYS! I said that with a straight face!!)… but Andhari’s hilarious plea for more… ahem, “colorful” bloggers to be nominated for the 20SB “featured blogger” yesterday has inspired me.

Dear oh-so-boring tweeters on Twitter (and Facebook-status-updaters)…

You really grind my gears.

“I had a ham sandwich for lunch! It was mediocre!”

“Me too! Let’s be besties 4-eva!”

And the back and forth convos that no one else in any way needs to see?

“Are we meeting at 6:30?”

“Better make it 6:35, I have to brush my teeth!”

Guess who cares? Go on, guess. We’ll wait.

NO ONE.

I mean, I’m sure I’ve gotten drunk  before and twittered something inane, like “mmmm… jumbo slice“. Sometimes you just have to throw out a simple “Thanks!” or “Happy Birthday, Jane!” It happens; we all get a few freebies. But come on, people. For the most part, unless it’s funny, witty, bitchy, complimentary, or about something horrible that happened to you… I don’t want to hear it. I don’t think any of us do.

And what is the obvious solution to this problem… don’t read them, right? And so I don’t. I rarely look at the timeline, and I only use it when people say something “@” me. Same for Facebook… I pretty much only log in when I’ve got a request or something.

Still, it’s kind of sad, because now I’m missing the good stuff too. But I’m sorry, Twitter/Facebook… I just can’t do it anymore.

Bottom line, people?

I love you… BUT…

Think before you tweet.

Mama said share.

(Yeah, I can say that. I went to Brandeis for a year, so I’m basically an honorary Jew.)

Since I’ve started experimenting with blogger layouts, I’ve thought a lot about what makes a blog more attractive. And I’m not talking high heels and a short skirt- too obvious. I mean the big and little things that make us happy we stumbled onto a page, and even happier to stay. The aesthetics, if you will.

Now, obviously content is, ultimately, the most important thing. It doesn’t matter how pretty your corner of the innerwebs is if your writing is uninteresting and/or unrelatable. But all too frequently, I will trip over a blog that I might have liked, that I might have added to my reader… if only I could freaking stand to READ it.

So after thinking for a while about WHICH things drive me batty, personally, here’s what I came up with… (again, we’re thinking presentation, not content here, darlings).

My Biggest Blogging Pet Peeves

• If your text is unreadable on the background. We’re all doing this for free (or for 13 cents a day from Google ads). I ain’t gonna kill myself to read it, dear.
• If I click on your profile and there are 9 blogs listed as “yours”. I don’t want to play multiple choice, I just want to pay my respects (if you commented here) and see what you’re up to.
• Blatantly asking me to pimp you out. Dude, that’s just not common courtesy.
• Itty-bitty teeny weeny text, and please to put spaces between your paragraphs. We’re getting old, and I read a LOT of shiz on this monitor… Make it easy, please and thank you.
• MUSIC THAT PLAYS AUTOMATICALLY. This not only scares the bejeezus out of me, it would get me strange looks at work if I ever left my sound on. The office is awkward enough as it is. If I care to explore your musical taste, I will click ‘play’.
• Flashing or, god forbid, POP UP advertisements. Honestly, you could not scare me away any faster.
• People who never, ever, EVER respond to a single comment… (or at least visit a regular commenter’s blog to say hey). I realize I might be a little ridiculous in responding to every single one, but I can’t help it. If you take enough time to read my drivel and leave your two cents, the least I can do is respond to you, or head over to your corner and see what you’re up to. As Nicopolitan was kind enough to say in a 20SB Blogger discussion, I try really, really hard to make sure this place is a two-way conversation, and that you all know how much I value and appreciate you taking the time to visit.

Phew! So that’s MY beef, y’all. After getting all that out, I was curious what you all thought, too… So I took it to the streets, aka the Tweet and the Facebook. This is very important research, peoples!

The Question: What are your biggest blog pet peeves that keep you from reading? I.e. font, colorings, strange odors, etc.

(Ed. note: These are somewhat paraphrased for brevity, but I believe I kept your points intact.)

On the Gchat:

Caviandra: Maxie and I were talking about this the other day- unreadable fonts! Oh, and run on sentences. And lots of LOLZ and “!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” (Amen. Lolz!)

Lemmonex: hmm… useless comments. and shitty layout, or if it’s complex and there’s too much going on. give me something to focus on. you dont need 7 fonts. (Useless comments are so hard to respond to, too. Blah.)

From the Twatter:

tracyneproski: @ LivitLuvit: I hate it when people use “u” “r” “2″ etc. in place of words (but only when they do it un-ironically) (Agreed! Ironically is TOTALLY fine, though, of course.)

loveshan: @LivitLuvit: when people complain about losing followers, begging for comments, etc. i feel like blogging should be about creating bonds, not raising numbers (Absolutely. We all peek at our stats, etc… but don’t TALK about it. Tacky much?)

kolys: @LivitLuvit: Bad spelling/grammar is the one thing which will keep me from reading a blog post. I can deal with anything else. (I don’t mind a simple “your” and “you’re” mix up, but if I have to figure out what you’re (ha!) trying to say, forget it.)

thienkim: @LivitLuvit: my blog pet peeve is music that plays automatically. thank goodness for my google reader (This drives me INSANE. And scares the crapouttame.)

gingermandy: @LivitLuvit: my BIGGEST pet peeve is when people only put partial posts in their feed. and when their text isn’t on a solid background. (I’m sorry, I’m sorry! No partial posts again, I promise!)

whateverkaty: @LivitLuvit: Music playing automatically! But I keep my speakers off to combat that problem. (Me too- at work. But at home? Gets me every time. Gah!)

courtincolorado: @LivitLuvit: really long posts…i have a short attention span (Don’t we all… we are Gen-X and Yers, after all.)

makarlin: @LivitLuvit: I stopped reading one because it would play Daft Punk when it opened. Oh dear god was it annoying. (I don’t know what that is, and I don’t think I want to.)

emvandee: @LivitLuvit: Spelling errors. Grammatical errors, to a lesser extent. But I’ll give up if the spelling is generally abhorrent. (I love the word abhorrent. And YES.)

teasingdiverse: @LivitLuvit: music that automatically plays that you CAN’T turn off. Lots of flashing, blinking lights. It’s a blog, not Vegas! (ESPECIALLY ADS that do this! So offensive.)

whatagrandworld: @LivitLuvit: Really, excessively long posts that are more ramblings then anything else. That and stupid colors that make it unreadable. (“Stupid colors” – I love it.)

violetsworld: @livitluvit: strange odors for sure but bad grammar makes it 1st on the list (You love my odor. Admit it.)

aritzagoddess: @LivitLuvit: no pictures ! I love pictures, plus I’m kinda lazy to read a whole paragraph without any visual aid. (Duly noted.)

babykaycee: @LivitLuvit: Neon colored text, walls of text, lack of pictures = no read. (Neon should not happen… ever.)

From the Book:

WickedCourtni: Blog snobs: Bloggers who think that they are too good to comment to your comment, but comment on their blog clique minions all around your comment. (That would hurt my heart. This happens?)

Organic Meatbag: I echo Courtni’s sentiments…oh, and any blog that talks about Jesus in every fucking post… but then again, bloggers that are bible thumpers usually don’t visit mine… (Mine either, dear!)

ClaireMontgomeryMD: if every post is LONG, font, color, layout, BORING, bloggers who are obviously trying to get hits and followers or be the next ‘big thing’ . . . shall i go on? i’m as picky over the blogs i read (or don’t) as the men i date (or don’t) strange odors do not bother me though – especially on your blog. (I knew it. It’s “Poop” by Calvin Klein.)

PQ: What Courtni said. (She’s a smart cookie.)

and for our grand finale…

verybadcat: my pet peeves are few- truncated posts in RSS (which my own husband does despite my heated protests), hard to read font, page is too busy. other than that, i would say you’re looking at it backwards. i read who i read because i’m drawn to read. you’re a great example. how could i *not* read you? you’re effin hilarious.
there’s the comment issue too. i don’t read the big guys anymore. my time is limited, and i would rather read someone who reads me, who i’m actually *interacting* with a little, as opposed to lining up to be the 500th comment on a post. (I love you.)

So take heed, my lovelies. I think this is a pretty comprehensive guide to all things that make your interwebby peers run screaming from a blog, for your consideration.

I’ll take my public servant medal now.

(Oh, this was just me bitching? Well, I’ll take a goddamn medal for that too, thankyouverymuch.)

Mama said share.

Update: You guys were pretty much across the board with your responses per 2 truths and 1 lie… let’s see what we got.

1. When I was 12, I showed a cow at a county fair. Yes, I mean “showed”… just like a dog show. You lose points if they poop.

100% true. And my readers since the beginning of time knew it… here’s the proof. I may be a Masshole from Woostah, but my grandfather was a dairy farmer in upstate New York. And you totally do lose points if they poop! Redic.

2. I’m related to Katie Couric (by marriage, but still).

LIE! Special shout out to Meghan for knowing that, seeing as… “You’re not related to Katie Couric because I am and you weren’t at her last extended-family-by-marriage-mixer. Busted.” Fair enough. Katie IS, however, a good family friend, and attended both my uncle’s wedding and my grandparent’s 50th anniversary. And, she is delightful.

3. My record for orgasms in a 24 hour period is 13. Unlucky? I think not.

Completely and totally true, thanks to B, an Arrested Development-interspersed with porn marathon, and a weekend of not leaving his little basement apartment in Capitol Hill. I had to count because we were beating the old record, DUH. Mmmmmmm… let me bask in the glow for a second… Okay, I’m alright now.

So congrats to everyone who picked Twosie! You win… um, a deep sense of satisfaction and my undying love.

Since I got approximately 15 minutes of sleep last night, which is only slightly better than the nights preceeding that… we’re gonna take it niiiiiice and easy today. (TWSS.)

Everyone’s playing this funsies game called “Two Truths and a Lie.” It’s um, exactly like it sounds… I tell you three things, and you try to guess which is the lie. GO!

1. When I was 12, I showed a cow at a county fair. Yes, I mean “showed”… just like a dog show. You lose points if they poop.

2. I’m related to Katie Couric (by marriage, but still).

3. My record for orgasms in a 24 hour period is 13. Unlucky? I think not.

Next up, my fiancee, (at least on Facebook- I like friends!), the gorgeous and potent Maxie, plays a little game on Wednesdays called “Would You Rather…” Since she was kind enough to join me in TMI Thursdays a gazillion times, I think it’s time for a little payback. (Um, if you’re eating breakfast, put it down.)

B, his work wife birthcontroljill and I came up with this one over too many drinks… but truthfully, it was mostly his gem of an idea so you have him to blame.

Would you rather…

Pull a tampon out of a 500 lb woman sitting in a chair (so you have to dig through the folds) WITHOUT USING YOUR HANDS… and you have no idea when she was last sponge-bathed…

Or, give a homeless man of 5 years a rim job for a full minute?

How’d I do, Maxie? Pretty effing gross, no? NO WHAMMIES!!!

In other news, we have a winner for Friday’s giveaway. I made a video but then I watched it this morning and seriously, y’all don’t need to see me like that. I don’t need to see me like that. But, from ~125 entries, the winner is…

Elizabeth Marie from It’s Unbeweavable!

Congrats, honeybun. I’ll put you in touch with my man Drew so you can collect your oh-so-pretty purple bunny Rabbit. *wink*

And um, Drew, if you need anyone to test out that ADORAMABLE Hello Kitty pocket vibrator, just say the word…

Mama said share.

Uh oh… is that existential crisis I smell?

As I get older, so much seems to change. It can be disconcerting at times, when I read posts of college kids and think how that was so me!… oh, five years ago… that naiveté and confusion and drowning in a puddle of angst? I owned it. I knew it far too well.

And then I read posts of those who’ve moved on to a different place, a place that’s honestly much closer on my own horizon than I care to admit. People who own houses, and have spouses, and sometimes even children. (Literally! Mini-thems who look up to them and DEPEND on them for stuff- for everything! Crazy talk.)

Yet, I know much of this is in store for me; that soon enough, I will become one of them.

Whereas marriage used to be this big scary idea for grown-ups, it’s now something my own friends are openly contemplating. Not just people I know. MY friends are getting engaged (engagement rings, real ones! I remember when those were just ring pops…), and buying homes, and developing careers. “The rest of our lives” used to be this ominous thing in the distance; something intangible that would have to be dealt with at some point… but was too obscure to warrant anything approaching real consideration.

But then one evening you’re at a bar with friends, a respectable establishment, even -sitting around a table like civilized people. And you’re there from for happy hour instead of til 2 am, and you’re simply holding a conversation with people whose company you enjoy, instead of standing elbow to elbow with a bunch of college minions at the bar taking jagerbombs.

And at some point, you all realize that you are having an animated conversation about how dusty the wall moldings in your bathrooms get, and the different techniques you use in order to attack said dust. When the hilarity of conversation is pointed out, it makes you all a little sad, even though it’s funny. Because, you know, it means you are old(er). In college, we couldn’t have told you what a wall molding was, nevermind how to clean it. In fact, no bathroom ever used in college ever even gets cleaned.

And you’re excited because tomorrow you don’t have to work, which means you can “sleep in”… but in your head, “sleeping in” now means until 8 or 9 am instead of noon. If you have mimosas or go to brunch and have a drink when you wake up on Saturday, the chances of you doing anything that night decrease by about 80%.

These are the moments when you know that things are different. That you are so clearly no longer in that place where you used to be. That you are no longer a ‘kid’. You are a member of the rat race, rushing off to Work everyday at 8 in the morning. You check the weather before you dress. You try and get a balanced breakfast in your stomach. Suddenly, one day, the word “fiber” has meaning.

You occasionally think to yourself, “Man, I haven’t had a good poop in a while.” Sometimes you come out of the bathroom shaking your head, because whatever happened in there was a bit of a tragedy, and ohsowrong.

People you know- your friends!- will host dinner parties, and it is understood that everyone will bring a token of appreciation, because that’s how grown ups Do Things. The food will consist of more than chips and salsa and pizza, and the company will be there to enjoy spending time together, rather than trying to bang each other.

“Going out to dinner” with friends comes to mean a real restaurant, not the crappy (but beloved) Mexican restaurant down the street where you can get a microwaved chicken quesadilla for $3.99 and 24 ounce Dos Equis for $2. (Though sometimes you joke about slummin’ it and still go anyway.) Instead of splitting checks 5 ways, someone just says, “I’ll get this time. You get next.” There is flexibility, and an aura of relaxation about such things that used to seem so important.

You mellow. You try to understand your reactions, and to work on your faults, to try to be better. But you always half-ass it until that day when you meet someone who actually makes you want to be a better person, a la Jack Nicholson.

It seems the most consistent change is that life slowly becomes more and more about quality, rather than quantity. A successful party is no longer defined purely by the number of attendees. The circle of friends becomes smaller and smaller, but more and more meaningful. Lustful relationships are replaced by love, real love that can mature and endure over the years. You appreciate your parents, and start to worry about them for a change. At the extremely superficial level, you delight in deleting superficial acquaintances from Facebook, rather than adding them.

I’m there, folks. Whether I want to be or not, I am. The question is, where is this place? Is it limbo? Do I have one foot in Kidland, doing the splits into Grown Up World? Or is this twenty-something place an entity in itself?

Either way… I think I like it.

Mama said share.

Mama said share.