Today, the 2010 Emmy nominations were announced.  This year was better than most, with “Friday Night Lights” at least being recognized for its outstanding cast (I am convinced that Tami and Eric Taylor are an actual married couple coaching football in Texas.  They are that good.)

The world's most perfect couple. Take note.

Some general thoughts:

While “Lost” may have been a life changing experience for you, I just haven’t gotten into it (yet).  At some lonely point in my life I’m sure I’ll devote a month to watching the entire series and then self-flagellate for ever daring to speak ill of “The Gospel According to J.J.”  Sorry, y’all. This is one hatch I’m just not going down.

Saturday Night Live should never receive an award for anything.  However, Betty White was nominated for her appearance on the show – I’ll allow it.

Likewise, “Two and A Half Men” should be immediately canceled and Charlie Sheen should be locked up so he can’t do any more damage. Oh, wait- isn’t that happening? Furthermore, I have a visceral dislike for anything on CBS.  However, I do enjoy their “CSI: Ghost Whisper – LA.”

While I wasn’t initially in love with “Treme” (I know it is unfair to compare it to the Wire, but it was somewhat underwhelming) some of the acting in the show was undeniably amazing. Bunk, I love you, man.

Also, if I saw the “Best Actor in a Comedy” noms five years ago they may have made sense.  Today, not so much.  I get it, Tony Shalhoub, Larry David and this Jim Parsons character are neurotic- it’s gotten old.  And let’s face facts, The Office is no longer funny (with the exception of Andy Bernard, and that’s partially because I hear the Tiger Song in my head every time he’s on screen).

I’ve never seen “The Good Wife.”  I don’t plan to.

Sidebar: Alec Baldwin, you are a golden god.

DRAMA SERIES

“Breaking Bad” (AMC)
“Dexter” (Showtime)
“The Good Wife” (CBS) – Friday Night Lights (FX)
“Lost” (ABC)
“Mad Men” (AMC)
“True Blood” (HBO)

COMEDY SERIES
“Curb Your Enthusiasm” (HBO) – Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FX)
“Glee” (Fox)
“Modern Family” (ABC)
“Nurse Jackie” (Showtime) – Party Down (Starz)
“The Office” (NBC) – Parks & Recreation (NBC)
“30 Rock” (NBC)

ACTOR IN A COMEDY

Jim Parsons – “Big Bang Theory” — Charlie Day (Charlie)“Always Sunny in Philadelphia)
Larry David – “Curb Your Enthusiasm” — Adam Scott (Henry)“Party Down”
Matthew Morrison – “Glee” – Danny McBride (Kenny ‘Fuckin’ Powers) “Eastbound & Down”
Tony Shalhoub – “Monk” — Joel McHale (Jeff Winger) “Community”
Steve Carell – “The Office” — David Dukovny (Hank Moody) “Californication”
Alec Baldwin – “30 Rock”

ACTOR IN A DRAMA

Bryan Cranston – “Breaking Bad”
Michael C. Hall – “Dexter”
Kyle Chandler – “Friday Night Lights”
Hugh Laurie – “House” — Ron Pearlman “Sons of Anarchy”
Matthew Fox – “Lost” — Clarke Peters (Albert Lambreaux) “Treme”
Jon Hamm – “Mad Men”

(This one’s a tie. Kyle has my head but Jon has my loins, I mean heart.)

ACTRESS IN A COMEDY

Lea Michele – “Glee”
Julia Louis-Dreyfus – “Old Christine” – Insert anyone but her. The glory days, they are behind you.
Edie Falco – “Nurse Jackie”
Amy Poehler – “Parks And Recreation”
Tina Fey – “30 Rock”
Toni Collette – “United States Of Tara”

ACTRESS IN A DRAMA

Kyra Sedgwick – “The Closer” – Katey Sagal (Gemma Teller) “Sons of Anarchy”
Glenn Close – “Damages”
Connie Britton – “Friday Night Lights”
Julianna Margulies – “The Good Wife” – Melissa Leo (Toni Bernette)“Treme”
Mariska Hargitay – “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit” – Khandi Alexander “Treme”
January Jones – “Mad Men” –  Elizabeth Moss (Peggy) “Mad Men”

SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY

Chris Colfer – “Glee”
Neil Patrick Harris – “How I Met Your Mother”
Jesse Tyler Ferguson – “Modern Family”
Eric Stonestreet – “Modern Family”
Ty Burrell – “Modern Family”

SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA

Aaron Paul – “Breaking Bad”
Martin Short – “Damages” – Alexander Skarsgard “True Blood” (Oh god YES)
Terry O’Quinn – “Lost” – Walton Goggins (Boyd) “Justified”
Michael Emerson – “Lost” – John Noble (Walter) “Fringe”
John Slattery – “Mad Men”
Andre Braugher – “Men Of A Certain Age” — Zach Gilford (Matt Saracen) “Friday Night Lights”

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY

Jane Lynch – “Glee”
Julie Bowen – “Modern Family”
Sofia Vergara – “Modern Family”
Kristen Wiig – “Saturday Night Live” – SNL must never win an award.
Jane Krakowski – “30 Rock”
Holland Taylor – “Two And A Half Men” – (Charlie Sheen and that stupid fat kid embody everything that is wrong with America)

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA

Sharon Gless – “Burn Notice”
Rose Byrne – “Damages” – Kim Dickens (Jeanette Desautel) “Treme”
Archie Panjabi – “The Good Wife”
Christine Baranski – “The Good Wife”
Christina Hendricks – “Mad Men”
Elisabeth Moss – “Mad Men”

VARIETY, MUSIC, OR COMEDY SERIES

“The Colbert Report” (Comedy Central)
“The Daily Show With Jon Stewart” (Comedy Central)
“Real Time With Bill Maher” (HBO)
“Saturday Night Live” (NBC) – Anything but SNL
“The Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien” (NBC) – just to stick it to Leno, that dick.






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Mama said share.

Hey! Have you tweeted yet today? (If you don’t know what this is about, please to clicky here!)

Follow @LivitLuvit, my favorite contestant in the @MTVTJ search for MTV’s first Twitter Jockey! #zyncmtvtj

(Feel free to modify, the above suggestion is just for your copy & paste convenience. Cause I’m good like that.)

The actual VOTING will start on July 7th, and it will be via Facebook. (I know, the irony…) Anyway! You will only get to have to vote once, so make sure we’re Facebook friends and I’ll send ya a reminder! WOOT!!!

And now back to our regular programming…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Understandably, MTV wanted to give their viewing audience/interwebbers a change to get to know us 20 candidates a little bit better. So, they sent us an impossibly long Q&A. I’m not sure if I should be proud or ashamed of what I put forth, but it is what it is… (here’s the second half).

LiLu’s Q&A with MTV – Part II

How do you go about getting followers? In your opinion, what is it about you that makes people follow you?

My preferred method for attracting followers has always been simple: “Try to write stuff good.”

Where that fails, I go on the offensive, sharing intimate and humiliating details from the dark corners of my world that no self-respecting person ever would, generally with a healthy side dish of profanity.

And yes, I’ve already puffy-painted my handbasket to Hell. There’s an empty seat or two on my bus if you’d like to come along. There’s going to be a karaoke machine and we’ll all be drinking tequila.

How does pop culture influence your life? What about pop culture do you love/hate?

Pop culture, which in this day and age (to me) means awesomely bad reality TV, is my absolute favorite of everything that ever existed. I get more and more excited as it grows increasingly trashier with each new show. There is no program so terrible I won’t watch and thoroughly enjoy it. Bret Michaels, Tori Spelling, Janice Dickinson, the Bad Girls Club, teens who are pregnant, teens at fat camp, and my greatest pop culture love of all, Jersey Shore. The endless blog and twitter fodder they all provide is simply priceless.

Even better than these blissfully entertaining atrocities are the comedic geniuses who have full-time careers mocking them. Joel McHale, CALL ME. Smooches.

What inspires you to publish yourself in the online social media space?

A blatant need for attention, and also it helps to get the voices out of my head.

Meeting new people is pretty okay too, I guess. (And by “pretty okay” I of course mean my favorite part of life, ever.)

Is there such thing as TMI? When do you say when? From your personal experience, describe an instance of someone you know (or follow, etc) going over the line in the digital realm.

As the creator of blogland’s TMI Thursdays, I’d have to say I don’t really believe in “saying when,” on the internet or otherwise. Life’s much more interesting without things like boundaries and filters and shame.

For me, the only thing I can’t stand hearing about online is schmoopy relationship crapola. Look, I get that we all need to shout from our respective rooftop every once in a while… but on the reg, notsomuch. Oh, you love your boyfriend/hubby/Uncle Stan who’s not actually your uncle but calls himself that while he tries to grab your butt? That’s great. Here’s your medal. You are SO UNIQUE.

/rant.

How do you feel the role of the TJ will differ from that of the traditional VJ? How are they the same?

TJ was bigger than VJ. You know… around.

Wait. I think I misunderstood the question. Do over?

Ahem. I feel like both a TJ and a VJ bring information to the public, but the benefit of being a TJ is that it would be so much more of a two-way conversation. Mano-a-mano, and all that jazz. Me likey.

Who are your favorite Tweeps and Twitterers online? Why?

Well, I’m pretty sure it’s not actually Mickey Rourke, but whoever’s running that timeline is hands down my favorite of all time ever Amen. … They also owe my boyfriend an explanation in regards to my sudden and urgent desire to own a cockatoo.

Also, Kenny Powers (NSFW) always makes me snort awkwardly, usually in public. I’ve gotten really good at making it look like a sneeze, albeit a messy one. (New season of Eastbound and Down September 26th, wahoooooooo!)

Why are you perfect for this job? What makes you the ideal candidate?

I am, quite frankly, the bee’s knees. The cat’s pajamas. The dog’s tuxedo. The ostrich’s ascot.

In all seriousness, my favorite thing in life is interacting with people; turning strangers into friends, for lack of a less corny way to put it. With this job, the opportunities to do that would be endless, and frankly, it makes me a bit moist in the pants.

If you are selected as the new TJ, what would be the first thing you tweet? What aspect of the job would you be most excited about?

The first thing I tweet would probably have the words “yeah” and “bitches” in it, except that I’m not sure if I’d be allowed to say “bitches,” but “suckas” is so 2003, you know? Oh, well. I’d make do.

I couldn’t possibly pinpoint what the best thing about the job would be… NYC? MTV? Interwebbing all day and getting PAID for it? Being able to sing along to Fergie’s “Glamorous” and not get depressed?

SIGN ME THE EFF UP, YO.

What would you want to accomplish if you got this job? What would be your key goals?

To show the world you don’t have to be cool to be cool.

Wait, did Aziz Ansari already beat me to that? CRAP.

What would you do with the money you make?

Reenact the Ferris Bueller parade through the streets of Chicago, Matthew Broderick and all.

I recall… Central Park in fall… you tore your dress, what a mess…

If you could meet one current music artist, movie star or TV celebrity through this TJ job, who would it be? Why?

Hmmm. Probably John Hamm, because he’s on my “celebrities I’m allowed to bone” list.

Or Chelsea Handler, although I’m pretty sure within minutes of being in the same room together, something would be on fire and we’d be riding around on alpacas while Chuy made us martinis.

I’ll go with Option B.

Predict the future! What kinds of technology trends do you think will affect this job? How do you think services like Twitter will evolve? What is going to be the next big social technology?

Scientists have proven that within five years… the internet will be able to fly.

Put on your party pants!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P.S. Have you heard about 20sb‘s latest Blog Carnival, “Friends and Money”? You could win $100- just participate and send them your link by tomorrow night! More deets here.

Mama said share.

Hey! Have you tweeted yet today? (If you don’t know what this is about, please to clicky here!)

Follow @LivitLuvit, my favorite contestant in the @MTVTJ search for MTV’s first Twitter Jockey! #zyncmtvtj

(Feel free to modify, the above suggestion is just for your copy & paste convenience. Cause I’m good like that.)

The actual VOTING will start on July 7th, and it will be via Facebook. (I know, the irony…) Anyway! You will only get to have to vote once, so make sure we’re Facebook friends and I’ll send ya a reminder! WOOT!!!

And now back to our regular programming…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Understandably, MTV wanted to give their viewing audience/interwebbers a change to get to know us 20 candidates a little bit better. So, they sent us an impossibly long Q&A. I’m not sure if I should be proud or ashamed of what I put forth, but it is what it is… (here’s the first half).

LiLu’s Q&A with MTV – Part I

Give us some background on where you grew up (or where you spent the majority of your life). What about your hometown do you love/hate?

I had the luxury of growing up in Suburbia Shrewsbury, Massachusetts. The greatest thing about living there was definitely the sense of community. Like, when I was in elementary school, we needed a playground. So the whole town came out and volunteered their time to build us this enormous beast of a thing where you could play “Don’t Touch the Gravel” for DAYS. It was magical.

And then, a decade later, they decided it was giving kids splinters, and tore it all down.

So, that’s pretty much the ‘Bury in a nutshell.

Though we did get to underage drink in Chinese restaurants. And the birth control pill was invented there…

Hmm. Let’s call it a wash.

What would a move to NYC mean for you and how would it impact your life?

Moving to NYC would mean an endless diet of Gray’s Papaya hot dogs, learning how to stay up past midnight again, and regularly Skyping with my cats back here in DC.

Wait, scratch that last one. Um, I want to see the Empire State Building! Yeah, that’s the one… *hides*

NOM.

If you were to name your biggest flaws, what would they be?

I drink. I swear. I’m clumsy. I use (and adore) words like “toodles” and “poppycock.” I’m addicted to cheeseburgers. I’m probably a little insane. I have the worst case of “Foot in Mouth” the doctors have ever seen.

Oh, wait. Isn’t this the one where I’m supposed to say something that sounds negative, but is actually a positive?

Uhhh, scratch all that. I’m such a perfectionist! It’s totally a burden! I do work (said Rob & Big style) in my sleep, son!

Describe a few of your funniest and/or most embarrassing moments.

Well, there’s a few hundred of them on my blog. Since that’s pretty much what I do.

But let’s see… there was the time I apologized to an advertisement of Joy Behar’s show at a crowded bus stop. The time I surprise trust-falled (a la Tosh.0) a dozen unsuspecting tourists on the National Mall. The time my cat farted down my throat, and as revenge, I dressed our “family” up in holiday costumes for last year’s Christmas card.

Never a dull moment around here, I tell ya.

When and why did you decide to sign up for a twitter account?

Dude, I’m Gen Y. Twitter is MADE for my getting-shorter-every-day attention span. Why say something in eleventy billion words when you could do it in 140 characters?

*whispers* Plus, it’s kind of totally where I get my news from. Don’t tell anyone.

Do you feel like your online persona is any different from your real life persona? How and why?

Honest answer? Not a bit. Not even the tiniest iota. Ask anyone who’s had the experience (and I choose that word carefully) of meeting me in person: I am the very essence of “what you see read is what you get.”

I’m an immediate hugger, an over-sharer, a bit of a mess… and yes, I’d love to grab a beer sometime.

Why do you think some people take on different personas online?

Clearly, they weren’t hugged enough as children.

I keed, I keed. But it’s not really something I can comprehend, quite frankly. I could never be anyone other than myself. It’s a helluva ride being me.

What are the websites other than twitter and facebook that you can’t live without? Why?

Dlisted, Jezebel and Warming Glow for my snarktastic pop culture needs (mmmm, sarcasm… tastes so good), and The Bloggess/Ask the Bloggess for my funny bone.

Also, every single one of the “Cheezburger” sites: Failbook, Engrish, Lolcats… I love it all. I also use the word “nom” far more often than any grown ass woman has a right to.

Are there any new social media apps/websites etc. that you are excited about? Describe.

I’m honored to be part of the 20 Something Blogger Management Team, which is a group of almost THIRTEEN thousand- you guessed, it, 20-something bloggers, and it’s basically so awesome it must be built out of unicorn farts, aka magic. If you ever feel lost on the internets, trust me, just go there. It’s like the YMCA for gay dudes in the late 70s, only, you know… for bloggers.

That got weird.

What kind of new social media app would you love to see or invent if you could?

Teleportation.

What the French, Google? You give me the capacity to e-meet all these awesome people from all over the world, and then I can’t go grab a drink with them? Can’t bear hug them? Can’t make them feel uncomfortable when we’re getting lunch in a busy restaurant and I announce FAR too loudly that I put my underwear on inside out that morning?

Get on that already.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More coming tomorrow, but how’m I doing? Are they getting the real LiLu, or what?

xoxo

P.S. Have you heard about 20sb’s latest Blog Carnival, “Friends and Money”? You could win $100- just participate and send them your link by Wednesday! More deets here.

Mama said share.

Last weekend, I was home alone with the cats, and I sent B this picture…

His response?

“Cute… if I ignore the fact you took that while on the toilet.”

Uhhhhhhh…. quick, distract them!

Don’t forget to check out my round up on DC Blogs today!

Mama said share.

Just in case anyone hasn’t gotten the memo that TMIT has come to a sad but triumphant end, I figured I’d give you a touch of it today so that no one’s world was completely shattered.

Consider this your TMI methadone, you crazy addicts.

At brunch last weekend…

Me: Lex, why don’t you share that tiny insignificant detail from your childhood that you failed to mention to any of us before? You know, the one about your dad you JUST told me this week?

Maxie and Katie look at her quizzically.

Lexa: Well, when I was little, one of my dad’s part-time jobs was as building maintenance to this block of apartment homes. It wasn’t exactly a great neighborhood, but not terrible. I would tend to tag along on the weekends as he snaked sinks, fixed wires, etc.

Well, one weekend, a domestic assault ended in murder and guess who he brought along to clean it up? There was blood and papers and just crap strewn everywhere. The best part, or worst part? Is he let me take shit from the apartment. I got a coveted copy of Guns ‘n Roses, use Your Illusion II.

I still listen to it occasionally and thank that poor woman for dying as I rock out to “You Could Be Mine.”

*Silence*

Katie: Your dad brought you to a MURDER SCENE??

Lexa: Yeah. That was kinda fucked up. I forget about it… and then I’m like… oh yeah. That happened.

Me: Wait wait wait. I have an idea. Maybe this could be the answer to why you can’t deal with bathroom humor!!! Don’t people empty their bowels when they die??

Maxie: They do! That’s it! Lex, was the body covered in feces?!?

Me: It’s okay, you’re in a safe place now. Finally, we’re getting somewhere!

Lexa: You idiots. The BODY wasn’t still there!

Maxie & me: There, there. *stroking hair* It’s okay now. We’ve got you. We’ll get you to make a fart joke yet!

Katie and Lexa shake their heads pityingly.

I love my friends.

Mama said share.

You all know this game by now. Time for another installment of “The Shiz My Boyfriend Says”!

(One of these days I *am* going to screw those Roman numerals up, and you all will have such a hearty chuckle at my expense.)

(Well, maybe three of you. The rest of you don’t know what the hell they should be either. So THERE.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On Friday, about two hours into the Snopocalypse, B announces he’s going to Best Buy to purchase new speakers.

Me: You’re crazy!

B: Why? How is this different from your new laptop?? (I, um, may have just purchased a new Macbook Pro. *makes love to it*)

Me: Because I didn’t GO OUT IN A BLIZZARD to get it! It’s #snOMG outside!!!

B: And we have to be prepared! You want to watch Legend of the Seeker WITHOUT surround sound?! What’s wrong with you??

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Though I am in impassioned lust with the Mac, I have yet to learn how to do everything I need to with it, and sometimes still bust out the PC… at the same time. So, yes, I will be sitting on the couch working on two laptops. Apparently, this looks odd, and inspires this to happen…

B: Ooooooo, going into stockbroker mode! Stockbroker comin’ through, watch out!!!

Me: You know that makes no sense, right? What does stockbroking have to do with multiple computers?

B: Stockbroker’s gonna buy some stocks. Maybe some bonds!

Five minutes later…

B: How are the stocks going? You get some GM??

I put one away…

B: All done with the stocks? You get the stocks you wanted?

Murray paws at the closed laptop.

B: Look at Murray! He wants to be a stockbroker too!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Taylor Swift music video comes on- uh, one of the cats must have stepped on the remote, we would never watch that- and she’s wearing a rather low-cut dress, which prompts B to make some sort of noise of approval.

Me: Um. You know she’s, like, 15, right?

B: What? She’s not really 15, is she?

Me: Well, I think she just turned 16.

B: Really? Well, lock me up.

Me: *judgmental glance*

B: What! I didn’t know! … Don’t pretend like you wouldn’t do her! I’m just trying to protect her from Kanye. Look how slutty her dress is! Her father should be ashamed.

Me: I dunno. I think it’s kind of sweet and romantic.

B: It’s down to her belly button!

Me: But she’s got nothing to show.

B: True… since she’s FIFTEEN and all. Dammit!!

Okay, I just googled it and she’s actually TWENTY. The hell??? When did that happen? Holy crap I’m getting old.

Also, sorry I made fun of your lack of boobage, Taylor. It, uh… suits you?

Also, have at it, B.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Don’t forget to check out my round up on DC Blogs today!

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Mama said share.

I want to write a recap. I really, really do.

But honestly… there is just no way I could EVER do this weekend justice. It would be impossible to truly capture. But, for you… I’m going to try.

Use your words…

My favoritest things about this past weekend, a la bullets.

• Maxie admitting she likes 30 Rock.
• All 50 of us bursting into song at Stetson’s. “You say she’s just a friend, but you say she’s just a friend OH BABY YOU!!!!!!!!”
• Actually, all of us bursting into song all weekend long.
• Finally at long last convincing f.B and B to perform “Ebony and Ivory” at karaoke. And by “convincing” I mean “writing their names on the list so they had no choice in the matter”.
• Meeting all the people I’d never groped in person before.
• Stealth-salting everything and everyone in sight.
• Someone shouting “INTERVENTION!!!!!!!!” every 30 seconds.
• Lexa going rampant on people’s heinies all Saturday.
• Much needed brunches and bacon Bloody Marys at Matchbox and Bar Pilar, with a side of laughing so hard it hurt… the entire time.
• Getting awesome and hilarious presents like a pictoral collection of cats wearing wigs, children’s Pooping Instructional books, a penis ice luge, “dirty” Mad Libs, Firefly sweet tea vodka, a pet Snuggie (box altered a la Sharpie to be for a cat instead of dog), a plastic guitar I can drink out of, engraved goblets with our wedding date, some Spanish pornos, an “I Love Jesus” shot glass, some Flava Flav-esque bling, and way, WAY too many vodka and sodas.
• The bartender’s t-shirt at Stetson’s that said “I heart peeing”.
• B treating me like a pretty, pretty princess on my birthday weekend.
• Not vomiting once. (Well, at least not until MONDAY morning… it counts!)
• The sombrero that mysteriously appeared and danced its way over the heads of all #pbandtuna participants.
• Epic dance offs all over the goshdarn place.
• Little lip-liner hearts appearing on people’s chesticles throughout the evening.
• Me going absolutely POSTAL on a strange man who tried to kiss me and pretty much every girl there… and terrifying him to the point that he actually left the bar within about 10 seconds. Do not fuck with me on my special day, Creepy McCreeperson. YOU WILL LOSE.

Our fabulous wedding guests were…

(I hope to Chuck Norris I am not leaving anyone out. PLEASE let me know if I do and I will fix and give you a free dumpster baby or a Tootsie Roll pop or something as reparations.)

12 Minds, A, Alice, anoukange, B, Cavy, Cleveland’s A Plum, Deutlich, dmb5_ libra, DMBosstone, Dysfunction Junction, f.B, flippy, Ginger Mandy, jenniferalaine, JerzeyGrrl, JP, Just A Girl, KassyK, Katertot, Katie Rose, Late- Night Drama Queen, Lemmonex, Lusty Reader, M (Only One Way Down), Malnurtured Snay, Marie, Maxie, Mr. 5280, Pithy Comments, PQ, Rachel Smiles, Restaurant Refugee, Shine Out Loud, Suburban Sweetheart, thebestmichelle, Urban Bohemian,and last but certainly not least, What A Grand World. 

I could not have asked for a better group of people, for reals. And so, as a very special (shameful) treat, I’ve decided to make your ears bleed with a video of the song I serenaded my fiancee with at karaoke on Friday night… there are no words. Please to enjoy.

I’m so ashamed, yet strangely proud… how is that possible?

PB and Tuna is obviously going to be a recurring event. How could we not, after its complete and utter awesome-icity?

Pencil in your calendars, folks. October 23rd, 2010… it’s all going down, AGAIN.

Mama said share.

I can’t…

Eat a cheeseburger without ketchup. NO MATTER WHAT. Get your gourmet shit outta here… Nothing beats that heavenly sugar and vinegar concoction.

See a puppy without squealing like a 5 year old spotting the ice cream truck. Um, also, there are sound effects involved, and they vary according to size and breed of said puppy.

Work out without an iPod AND television- preferably Tyra, for maximum distraction purposes. If there’s something about sex changes or makeovers, I can make it on that treadmill twice as long.

Keep my mouth shut when I think someone is an idiot. And if I do somehow manage to keep it shut? It’ll be written allllllll over my face.

Imagine my life without B, my darling (asshole) little kittens, or any of my hoes. You know who you are.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can…

Wiggle my ears. And no, I won’t show you. Unless I’m drunk. Then, DUH, have you seen this shiz?!

Make you the best damn margarita you’ve ever had in your life. Trust.

Admit when I’m wrong. Fairly quickly. And even apologize for it, genuinely.

Forgive almost anyone for almost anything. Often whether I want to or not… I am nearly incapable of holding a grudge.

Be the best damn listener in the world, despite how often my mouth is moving.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I won’t…

Feel such a responsibility to be “on” all the time in a social setting.

Let shitty people be a part of my life… even if that means cutting some loose.

Ever stop doing whatever I have to in order to set foot in as many places as possible before I die.

SETTLE. In any area of my life.

Ever give up on us.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I will…

Cry at animated movies. Wall-E, I’m looking at you.

Dance and sing wherever I want, whenever I want, even when I get the inevitable “Who sings that?… Let’s keep it that way.”

Try to express myself more, ahem, quietly. Speaking louder will not make someone see my side.

Send flowers to the people who make my life worth living, just because.

Hit “publish” on that post that’s been sitting in my drafts since the day I started blogging, no matter how scary it may be…

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I shouldn’t…

Make the horrible, horrible jokes that I do. (And especially not relish it so much.)

Write people off immediately, because they don’t believe in my rights to my body as a woman.

Swear so goddamn much. Well, at least in the company of children and the elderly…

Giggle like a school girl whenever I toot. (snarf)

 Take so much joy in shocking others and pushing them outside of their comfort zones.

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I should…

See my grandparents more often.

Stand up for myself when it comes to money and friends. It goes against my nature, but so does getting screwed over repeatedly. (TWSS.)

Publish the hilarious mess of a vlog I made with Maxie and Caviandra. Wait, this goes under “shouldn’t”…

Drink less, work out more, eat better, blah blah fucking blah.

Be a little bit more grateful, every day, for my fantastic little life, and everyone who makes it that way. (Here’s looking at you, kid.)

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Inspired by this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, and this. If I missed you, I’m sorry- shoot me an email/comment and I’ll remedy that in the shake of a lamb’s tail.

Mmmm. Lamb.

Mama said share.

***If you skim today cause it’s Fri-dee and you’re lazy, make sure you skim down to the bottom! Mama said so!***

Hey, every-bod-eee! IT’S FRIIIIII DAAAAAYYYY!!!

No, I’m not excited about it at all. Okay, that’s a lie. And, um, don’t hate me, but part of the reason I’m so excited is because thanks to my new work schedule, my ass is going to be firmly planted on my couch all goddamn day, watching Real Housewives and Bad Girls Club and other such quality programming.

What’s that? You are trying to staple me through your computer screen? With the heavy duty stapler? Well, if it makes you feel better, I am also going to be scrubbing the living hell out of our bathroom at some point today. And it is truly so disgusting right now, I’m actually kind of excited about doing it. How’s that for a little TMI? (Banner turnout on that yesterday, by the way. Thanks, everyone, for playing!)

Anyway, a few days ago, the lovely Brandy from It’s Like, I’m… Mmmagic! made the conscious decision (I know!?!) to delve deeper into my very… ummm… interesting psyche, and ask me a few Q’s. So here we go…

1. You recently posted a picture of you rocking a Snuggie, and it pretty much looks like the greatest thing since the invention of the internet. What are the three last gifts or purchases that have brought you an inordinate amount of joy?

I have to say my iTouch, because, well, DUH. My dad gave it to me for Christmas and I pet him once an hour may have named it Jorge. Just cause he’s spicy like that.

I’m trying to think of something that I’ve bought myself recently, but honestly the only thing I can think of that I’ve purchased for FUN in months is booze. So I’ll go ahead and say Firefly Sweet Tea Vodka, because B and I get one every couple of days weeks and it always rocks our world in the best down home and drunk Suh-thern kinda way. Can I get a Carla-esque hootie-hoo! (She SO should have won. And she BEST be opening a restaurant around here.)

Whenever B lets me watch the Real Housewives, the Bad Girls Club, or Gossip Girl without making me feel like a Nazi girlfriend. Don’t worry, boys, I watch PLENTY of gun-slinging, action-packed, hot bad girls with extremely sexually fondled weapons kinda movies. We’re even.

2. What is your view on the pickle? (And no, we aren’t talking euphemisms, I’m not that clever).

That’swhatshesaid! Oh, wait, NOT euphemisms? Are you sure? Okay… Ironically enough, whereas EVERY other food item in my life I prefer the salty to the sweet… I have to go sweet on this one. And I LOVE them. I’ll eat them out of the jar if no one’s looking. Or even if someone who has to love me anyway IS looking. (This is why we need a dog.)

I hate dill pickles. I’m trying to train myself to like them but it’s worse than just disliking them; I resent them. I resent their goddamn pickley juice all over my chicken salad sandwich, and making my delicious Paninis soggy. And the little cafeteria ladies ALWAYS throw them in there before I can protest, right in the middle of my previously dill juice-free sandwich. Assholes. Stop taking out your hairnet-wearing on me!

3. Would you rather post a picture of yourself naked on the internet, or go a decade without having sex?

Post a picture, no DOUBT. And I think B would most definitely be okay with this decision if those were the two options. Nuff said.

4. If you could remove the calories/cholesterol/trans fat/general unhealthiness of one particular food, so you could eat it (or possibly just inject it in your body) without ever worrying about health concerns, what would it be?

I’m cheating. Cheeseburgers AND French fries. Because as far as I’m concerned, one doesn’t exist without the other. That’s like separating the evil deliciosity that is Speidi. Rob and Big. Pete & Pete. It just can’t be done.

They are also very important tools for getting one of my most favoritest things into my mouth: ketchup. I love ketchup so very much, this happened yesterday:

[B and I both stop at store on the way home, arrive at apartment with bags]

B: I got you ketchup! That’s how much I love you.

LiLu: Oh no… I got ketchup too! It was running out!

B: Don’t worry. I figured you would and I knew you’d get the big boy, so I just got a normal sized one. Now you have a back up!

LiLu: It’s moments like these I know we really belong together.

5. If you could be trapped in the elevator with any three male singers, who would it be and would you get their autographs for me?

A) Billy Joel, always and forever my one true musical love. And if I can get any words out, sure, I’ll get you on autograph. On my boob.

B) Justin Timberlake (but only if he’ll perform Dick in a Box).

C) Stevie Wonder. Cause he couldn’t run away and he’d have to hang out with me. Too much?

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Okay… now drumroll, please!

I sort of alluded to this on Tuesday, but I am, in fact, GIVING AWAY A SNUGGIE! Yes, that’s right, you can share in THIS kind of joy with me:

All your life is missing is The Blanket That Has Sleeves! So if you’d like to join my cult in the Snuggalicious fun, leave a comment here telling me why and I’ll have B pick it out of a hat next week. (Remember, you have to be willing to give me a mailing address and stuff… ooo, scary!) If this is, in fact, the last thing you would ever want in your life, leave a comment making fun of me. You know, nicely. We’re all friends here.

Happy weekend, lovebugs!

Mama said share.

This is the second installment of a segment I’ve started that puts the spotlight on darling B and his ridiculous witticisms and other vile yet hilarious remarks. As I promised them to you on the days when I am lazy and/or hungover, and as I am currently recovering from a night of wine and sleeping pills, here it is, folks…

Your second installment of “The Shiz My Boyfriend Says”. (Find the other installments here.)

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As we’re getting read to go to the grocery store Saturday morning for champagne and OJ:

B: [In sweats] “You’re a sucker for putting on pants.’

LiLu: [In jeans] “You’re a degenerate for NOT.”

B: “I’d rather be a degenerate than a sucker!”

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With mimosa in hand, heading towards the bathroom:

B: “I gotta go poop baby! You know I only poop while I’m drinking champagne.”

LiLu: “Let me know if you need a refill.” (It’s VDay. I’m a good girlfriend.)

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As he leans in to hug me, my throat involuntarily lets out a deep and disturbing gutteral gurgle.

B: “Aw, babe! At least when I burp in your face, I blow it to the side!”

LiLu: “Your consideration knows no bounds, my darling.”

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I have a vomitously cute way of saying “powar beah pups!!!” in a baby voice whenever they come on TV, which, because we are disgusting and corny as hell, he adores, and makes me say it all the time. (You already know about my pug and penguin dances. I just can’t help the dorkiness.) Saturday we were came across some of the big snowy galoots on the Discovery Channel (I would totally be that asshole to try and hug a polar bear and be mauled alive):

B: “Say it!”

LiLu: “POWAR BEAH PUPS!!!”

B: “Awww… don’t ever break up with me because then I will be the only person alive who hates polar bear pups. Seriously, I will ovary punch you if you make me hate polar bears.”

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The morning after VDay, in bed…

LiLu: “I really don’t feel goooooood.” (Yes, that was a whine.)

B: “You should probably fart.”

LiLu: “Weirdo.”

Two second later, B’s ass echoes throughout the bedroom.

LiLu: “BABY! I didn’t tell YOU to fart!”

B: “Yes you did! You gave me that look that said, B, please let one rip! I saw it!”

LiLu: “………………………..”

Wuv. Twoo wuv.

Happy Day of not working!!!

Mama said share.