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While watching Project Runway last night, I couldn’t help but admire Heidi Klum for the zillionth time. She’s just drop dead gorgeous – and without being scary skinny. (The gossip mags have shown her working out all over NYC lately – lady? It’s paying off.)

Her career is off the charts, even as she’s creeping up on her 40s – and it ain’t easy for a model to make the transition off the runway to something else lucrative and not sad or trivial. Her kids are impossibly adorable, and she and Seal seem to be one of the few celebrity couples who have a truly healthy marriage – and are still nuts about each other to boot.

Well, aren't you two just vomitously cute?

And the worst part is: she’s so darn sweet that jealous as I am, I can’t even hate her. In fact, I utterly adore her.

WTF, Klum?

(Disclaimer: I’m in no way saying these are the things (career, love, kids) that every person should want. But as they seem to be what she wanted, I think it’s fair to say she has an exceptionally well-rounded life, and has successfully managed the balance between career and family, which I think we can agree is award-worthy all on its own.)

Anyway! I was thinking of all this… but then I checked myself before I wrecked myself, because my eyes are a lovely green, but my ‘tude doesn’t need to match them. And more importantly, I remembered this little nugget: nothing’s ever as perfect as it seems. I’m sure there are certain aspects Heidi hates about her job, something that Seal constantly does that drive her nuts, mundane or annoying things she wishes she could change about her day to day life.

And it occurred to me that I might even seem the same way, were someone looking in through the windowpane into the sunshiney breakfast nook area of my own life. Since landing the job I worked so hard for in January, things have certainly fallen into place in a way they never have before. I have the career, the incredible friends, the lover, and the kids (even if they are four-legged). Sure, I’m not a world famous or fabulously rich supermodel… but at the end of the day, my biggest problem is the 10 pounds I’d kill to lose and how to manage my hair in this disgusting DC summer humidity. It’s a good place to be, to put it mildly.

And even now, I sit here, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

How effed is that? Finally everything falls into place, so I sit here, poised, preparing for the next valley to follow this peak. Rather than sitting back and enjoying everything I’ve made for myself, I’m counting down the minutes until something horrible happens. I know it’s crazy, and probably more than a little unhealthy, but I can’t help it.

Do you do this? Does Heidi? How do you shut your brain up and make it smell the f#^%*#@ing roses?

Mama said share.

Surf over to Mags Direct for savings on magazines.

YOU LIKE SMILING. LAUGHING MAKES YOU FEEL HAPPY INSIDE. WHAT A SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE YOU ARE.

(If a similar statement currently resides in any of your social media bios, feel free to change it now, and we shall never speak of this again.)

Oh right, my point! How about I go on and make it already.

Because I enjoy mirth and merriment and belly laughs galore, I am a big fan of this gentleman:

“Oh, that guy,” I can hear you say. “Wasn’t he in that thing I saw?”

The answer is yes, friend. Because Michael Ian Black has had a hand in creating more funny things than Maru the Cat internet sensation.

He’s one of those cameo stars who pops into a movie and makes those two minutes shine, a king of sketch comedy (the good stuff – not SNL, obvy), and OWNS Vh1′s “I Love the…” series, which my life would be dark and bleak without. Check out his bio here.

More importantly, he makes people laugh, professionally. And he’ll be doing it here in DC on December 1st at Sixth & I Historic Synagogue, when he performs his new tour, “Black is White”.

Knowing that I am a sucker for all things stand up, they contacted me and asked if I’d like to give away a couple tickets. To which I replied, “Only if the winner takes ME with them.”

(Kidding, probably.)

Anyhoo, if you’ll be in the area then and you LOVE TO LAUGH, simply leave a comment to enter. Tweet this post (suggest text below) for a second entry:

Win tickets to see @michaelianblack in #DC on 12/1: http://bit.ly/qMKKTE #DCevents via @rachaelgk

Winner chosen randomly (and announced here) on Monday, August 8th!

Update: Congratulations to Lindsey, you’re the winner according to Random.org! Thanks everyone for playing.

Mama said share.

We all judge.

And if you say you don’t, you’re lying. “Judging” based on first appearances, preconceived notions, and God forbid, STEREOTYPES- are skills we have developed over the evolutionary years of our existence to streamline the overflux of information that is forcibly pushed onto our senses, and must be neatly and efficiently categorized by our tired brains every single day. It’s science.

So admit it, my darling dears. You judge. Maybe you even like it. (For everyone who says they enjoy “people watching”? Yeah, that’s just a fancy name for judging.)

And I’m here to tell you that it’s okay. Look, I’ll even go first.

Yes, I judge. I judge without shame, and with reckless abandon. And here’s when:

If you…

Use more exclamation points and smiley faces than you do periods.

Hate animals. (Severe-allergy-inspired hatred not included, Lex.)

Declare Ari Gold your personal hero. (Million Dollar Listings, I’m looking at you.)

Try to push your faith or opinions on other people, rather than simply expressing them. (There is a BIG difference.)

Are a flake.

Are a liar.

Genuinely believe PajamaJeans are a great idea.

Make your ultrasound your Facebook profile picture.

Can’t handle the heat and won’t get out of the kitchen.

Refer to yourself as a “social media guru”.

Speak when you don’t have anything to contribute. Your voice isn’t that pretty.

Start every sentence with “My boyfriend says…” (I am hanging out with you. Not him. Don’t care. Not sorry.)

Take everything personally.

Take everything (too) seriously.

Don’t nostalgically adore (and can quote) the Princess Bride.

Walk on city sidewalks with a golf umbrella.

Call yourself a ‘foodie’. (All my friends who could *actually* be considered food experts? Despise this word.)

Are 25+ and still get sloppy drunk on the regular. You are an adult. Handle yourself… because I’m not going to do it for you.

Never day drink. (Just don’t get sloppy.)

Are willing to redefine rape, but not marriage.

So go on, now. Don’t be skerred.

What makes you unapologetically judgy?

Mama said share.

You all know that person. You’re out with friends, talking about the hilarious episode of The Office from last week, and suddenly, you hear someone sneer…

“Oh, how can you even WATCH that? The British version is soooooooooooooo much better.”

You know what? We get it. The British version of everything is always sooooooo much BETTER. So much more SOPHISTICATED and QUIRKY and POOR QUALITY FILM which makes it that much more AUTHEEEEEENTIC!!!!!!!!

And here’s the kicker. Every. single. time you do this, you act like it’s a novel thought. Hate to break it to you, mate, but you’re kiiind of a cliche at this point.

So save your breath, you angry Brit-TV-ophiles, because I happen to think MY Jim Halpert is just fine.

(More than fine, in fact. I’d be his Pam any day.)

I love them BOTH. And that's? Okay.

Look, I love me a Ricky Gervais cameo. Emma Thompson is pure genius. And who *doesn’t* want to bang Colin Firth?? But at the end of the day, British shows just don’t really do it for me. Maybe that makes me unsophisticated , or vapid, or just plain not-a-Communist… either way, I’m cool with it.

(P.S.- Aren’t you sort of the same people who love to brag about how they don’t own TVs by choice? How are you even watching these shows in the first place, again?)

/rant.

And to all my lovely friends across the pond: it’s not you. It’s the people here who won’t shut up ABOUT you(r bloody programming).

Cheers!

Mama said share.

Beliefs I hold, for better or for worse:

That a great pair of boots can turn around an entire week.

That zombies are the new vampires.* (Disclaimer: NOT in the sexy way. Purely in the “new black” way.)

That the excuse of “temporary insanity” is not valid as a legal defense.

That just because you can physically get it on your body doesn’t mean you should wear it.

That both celebrating and drowning sorrows should be done in the same way: with lots of booze and good friends.

That it’s a tragedy we lost men in hats, and I hope against hope that we never lose men in ties.

The hat: BRING IT BACK.

That an action can only truly be expected to have a great reward if you’re more than a little bit terrified of doing it.

That I inevitably take on way too much, but it appears as though I’m happiest that way.

That the flu shot is malarkey.

That sometimes I just want to say things like “malarkey”.

That there is incredible power in a new beginning.

*Walking Dead?? UMMMMM AMAZINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

P.S.Speaking of new beginnings, you may notice- if you click through- that I’ve been cleaning up the old web design a bit. The only thing I’m stuck on is the header. That picture IS me, it IS this blog- I don’t want to lose it, but I also don’t know how to incorporate it into something new. Any and all ideas, suggestions, criticisms and general solicited advice-givings are welcome.

Mama said share.

If you’ve been to this corner before, even for a second, you’re probably aware that I have what science would refer to as “a sick and twisted” sense of humor.

I tend to lean towards the darker side of things. If it can be snarked, I’ll do it. If something annoys me, I’ll mock it.

Jokes and jokes and jokes and jokes.

I get the whole “positive outlook” thing, but it’s just not me. I’d rather laugh in the face of a problem than throw rainbows and reflection and personal growth (twss) at it.

See?

Honestly, I can’t help it. I bleed sarcasm.

Fact:

I will never do yoga for meditation purposes.

I will never make a “vision board”.

I will never go on a retreat, of any kind.

I will never sit in a circle jerk talking about my feeeeeeeeeeeeeelings with a bunch of strangers.

(That’s what good friends, a lot of wine, and Diane Lane/Lifetime/cheerleading slash dance movies are for.)

To clarify, I don’t look down on these things. Truly.

I just look sideways at them. With a bit of a squinty eye.

If they help you, if they clear your head, if they set you on the path you want to be on, power to you. Revel in your sunshiney happy place. Own it.

Pink elephant says blow it out your what?

But it just ain’t me. I’ll be over by the bar, people watching while I channel my inner Daria/Always Sunny/Seinfeld cynic…

And, quite frankly, loving every second of it.

Mama said share.

One of the assistants I work with is newly knocked up. (Yes, it was on purpose, but using that phrase makes me feel like I’m fighting back- just the tiniest bit- against all the MIRACLE OF LIFE talk up in here since she announced her Baby On Board status).

This event, of course, has given every woman in our very large department cause to stop by, congratulate, and of course, share their own entirely-not-work-appropriate pregnancy and labor war stories. As I sit a mere half dozen feet away from said assistant, it has been my distinct displeasure to hear every. single. ONE of them.

And I sit at my computer and type away furiously, ignoring them as hard as I possibly can… that is, until yesterday:

Random Coworker: When I was pregnant, I had this big bump under my belly button. We thought it was the baby’s heel, so we kept telling it “oh, we love you! Look at your strong feet!” etc. etc… Then I went to the doctor for an ultrasound and she told me, “Oh, that’s a hernia.”

Preggers: Oh… my… um… what was it like?

Random Coworker: Oh, just this large, spongy tissue thing. I had surgery to have it removed afterwards.

Me: *VOMITS*

Let’s break down how I felt about that, a la GIFs that @elizabethtalks sends me all day at work to cheer me up:

First, it was a whole lotta this:

And then a hefty side of that:

Topped off with a healthy dose of this:

And, from now on? I will be taking an unscheduled pee break whenever someone comes by and sing-songs How ya doooooin’?? to Preggers. Because, frankly, I like my lunch to stay in my stomach.

Also? Someone PLEASE to find me a new job. Seriously. Email me. … Preferably before we enter the third trimester.

***Don’t forget to check out my DC Blogs round up today!***

Mama said share.

(Love you, B. But come on. The man wrote me a song.)

I give you, from Rahul over at I Wear T-Shirts…Sometimes, the greatest musical performance of all time.

Lyrics:

What does lilu dream of,
when she writes a pretty funny tweet
Does she think of Dj Pauly
or a You Tube reference thats sweet

Don’t you worry all you twitter peeps
She’s going to write you something witty even if it comes to in her sleep
the she’s gonna go and hashtag it up
and then we’re gonna retweet and make it lots of fun

if she’s not the next MTV TJ

Then we’ll go and get drunk!

Thanks, Rahul. I’m at work right now and I totally just lizzed myself.

WORTH IT.

Mama said share.

Move over, Sandy. (Too soon?) America has a new sweetheart, and it’s Betty White. Her new show “Hot in Cleveland” just got picked up for Season 2.

This time, Betty gets to be the Blanche. Me OW.

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Lilo (girl needs to change that nickname, stat!) will be taking FIVE prescriptions with her to jail.

Don’t worry... I'm sure they're actually for Michael anyway.

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Worst. Headline. EVERRRRRRRRRRRR.

I'd like to award this a giant honorary Fail Whale.

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The drama with Mel continues: Oksana claims she secretly recorded him admitting to hitting her.

"That's what happens to douchebags," said the devil, as he removed his boot from Mel's ass.

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Kendra may have just released her book, “Sliding Into Home,” but apparently, her new hubby’s sliding intro strippers.

Mama said share.

Hey there, cowboy! Get ready, cause I’m about to crack an egg of knowledge all over your head.

And by “knowledge” I mean pure, unadulterated awesome.

My father is to thank for sending me this shitshow of awkward-yet-mind-blowing-hilariousity I’m about to drop on you…

It really is no surprise where I came from, is it?

Happy long weekend 4th of July, poodlekins! If that video’s not freaking American, I don’t know what is.

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Hey! Have you tweeted yet today? (If you don’t know what this is about, please to clicky here!)

Follow @LivitLuvit, my favorite contestant in the @MTVTJ search for MTV’s first Twitter Jockey! #zyncmtvtj

(Feel free to get creative, the above suggestion is just for your copy & paste convenience. Cause I’m good like that.)

The actual VOTING will start on July 7, and it will be via Facebook. (I know, the irony…) Anyway! You will only get to have to vote once, so make sure we’re Facebook friends and I’ll send ya a reminder! WOOT!!!

Mama said share.