Disclaimer: I got two hours of sleep because my cats are assholes and like to lick up my nose while I am sleeping and when I WAS sleeping I had nightmares about losing them, which is funny because given the situation shouldn’t that actually have been an awesome dream? But it wasn’t and it was stressful and now I am feeling cracked out and exhausted and hatey so this is what you’re getting, because the world sucks right now. And yes, MAYBE it also had something to do with the fact that I consumed my weight in champagne last night but it was for a damn good reason that you will hear about tomorrow when my angry level is not, as Charlie would say, “UP TO HERE RIGHT NOW!!! YOU’VE GOT ME UP TO HERE!!!”

The world? Has got me up to HERE right now.

/disclaimer.

I hate people.

No, really, it’s true. If I don’t know you and already love you, I probably hate you. I can’t help it. So often I think of the quote from Men In Black (don’t judge) when Will Smith asks why they don’t just TELL people about the aliens, and Tommy Lee responds (I’m paraphrasing here):

“A PERSON is smart. PEOPLE are dumb, panicky animals, and you know it.”

This basically sums up how I feel about the entire human race. A person, one on one, as an individual, can be pretty cool. Maybe you decide you even like them, so you overlook whatever it is about their personality that would undoubtedly drive a stranger INSANE.  My point is, everyone (myself included, obviously) possesses certain qualities that a friend may be able to look past, but in the grander scheme of things, they are what could be known as GINORMOUS PERSONALITY FAILS.

Maybe you don’t pull your weight in groups.

Maybe your friends always have to throw in extra to cover your cheap ass tip.

Maybe you let the opposite sex walk all over you, time and again.

Maybe you try to prove your roots, where you come from, SO BADLY that you become transparent to everyone around you.

Maybe you point out the faults of others to hide your own.

Maybe you stand in the middle of the sidewalk to talk to someone while annoyed commuters stream around you.

Maybe you never, EVER admit when you’re wrong, even at the expense of losing your friends.

Maybe your voice sounds like Minnie mouse in a tin can.

Maybe you say the word ”like” 4.5 times in each sentence.

Maybe you’re obsessed with talking so much about the things that you ARE, to hide the fact that they’re the very things you’re NOT.

Maybe you’re so used to getting your own way that you don’t even realize just how manipulative you are anymore.

Maybe you say you “just don’t get along with other girls” when, actually, THEY don’t get along with YOU.

Maybe you’re twenty something fucking years old and still show up to a house party empty handed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, what’s your thing? That annoying thing that your friends choose to ignore about you, but is a glaring personality flaw to anyone looking in from the outside?

Hint: One of the ones above is my own…

Mama said share.

***Pssst, hey… have you updated my feed in your reader yet?***

If you’re reading this right now, you would probably agree with me that in general, the internet is pretty effing great. Like cherry on top great. Like cherry on top of “getting Frosty with” someone great.

 Sorry… I’ve been wanting to post that video for fucking EVER now. I just fricking love it, in that super-cheesy-yet-awesomely-bad/Maxie-and-I-should-probably-make-a-movie-video-to-this-kinda-way.

Anyhoo, while my love for the internet and the awesome connections it has brought me knows no bounds, it is most definitely still a very, VERY odd and slightly scary kind of place, and I think it’s important to A) remember that and B) find a way to take joy in the freaks, because otherwise they win.

So, let’s make fun of strange people on the internet! Woot!

We’ve all gotten that email along the lines of “Someone in Egypt has died and left you boatloads of money! Send me your bank account information and I’ll wire it to you right away.” Now, I’m sorry, but if anyone is dumb enough to fall for this… well, they deserve to. Except for little blue haired old ladies. But they shouldn’t know what “email” is anyway, so that’s that. Here’s my personal favorite variation:

from: leith fraser
to:
subject: Partnership request

Hello,
 
I am Mr. Leith Fraser, External Auditor of Bank Of Scotland Plc. I am writing you for a possible business transfer worth GBP 17,000 000(Seventeen Million Pounds Sterling) Pounds Sterling.
 
It will be in my interest to finish this transaction with you hoping that you will not cheat or blackmail me at the conclusion of this transaction, because I have planned it for a very long time. At the moment, I am constrained to issue more details about this business until your positive response is received.
 
If you can be a collaborator to this transaction, please indicate your positive interest immediately for us to proceed by sending your response. I assure you that this deal is worth taking and highly profitable.
 
Thank you for your time and attention.
Warmest regards,
Mr. Leith Fraser,
External Auditor,
Bank Of Scotland

It’s just so official-y… Auditor! Bank of Scotland! Warmest regards! Mama’s finally goan get paid! (Sigh.)

Last week I got a spammer that went above and beyond in randomness. I’m not even sure what he wanted, but, well… I’m just going to let it speak for itself…

from: favour love <favourmong at gmail dot com>
to:
subject: dearest one

dearest one
My name is favour. I saw your profile in this site and i become interested in you please contact me trough my email address so that i can send you my photo for you to know whom i am and tell you more about my self .remember that age,colour,distance does not matter but what matters is true and love. thank
favour

What. The Fuck.

I mean, I’m all for not discriminating in love, but I believe a few details have been left out here. My profile? This site? If you don’t give me specifics, how do I know you’re not just mass emailing and will, therefore, break my heart when I’m NOT your “true and love”? Thank.

Next up, I should have known this was coming after my vibrator giveaways, but still hilarious…

from: mattandheather [redacted]
to: heylivitluvit at gmail dot com
subject: Link exchange

Hello Livitluvit,

I’m the webmaster of theslipperypie.com.  I have visited your blog and I believe your content will be valuable to my customers.  You can find the link to your web site here: [redacted]

If you want to link back to us, just insert this short HTML code on your web site: [redacted]

Thank you,

Matt
The Slippery Pie

“The Slippery Pie.” SERIOUSLY, that was the best you could come up with? It makes me think of clowns mating in a vat of manure. (Cow pies… gettit?) I guess you know you’ve made it when…

Now, this one is for real, which makes it even MORE disturbing. Clearly she has not read one word of my blog, or she would know that I do not have a family, am terrified of children, and feel about babies the way most men feel about cats.

from: Kaydee [redacted]
to: heylivitluvit at gmail dot com
subject: I LOVE Your Blog!

Hi LiLu!
I love reading your blog, and HELLO, your family is gorgeous!.  Thanks for sharing so much of yourself with the world.  I am emailing you because I have recently started a small online diaper bag business.  I am still trying desperately to get my name “out there” and get Google to recognize my site.  So, I am wondering if you would be willing to put a text link on your homepage to my website.  I am not asking for a review, or any sort of write-up, a simple text link is all that I would need. … I would love to send you a free product of your choice under the “baby gear” section on our site, or some bread mix if you would do so.  Please let me know if you are interested.  Thanks again!
 
All The Best,
 
Kaydee
The Diaper Bag Diva

Sigh. At least READ even a paragraph of my site before soliciting pimpage from me in return for baked goods, yanno? Oh wait… they’re not even baked, it’s “bread mix.” I don’t even know what that means.

Finally, this little gem…

from: Roa <windfall at nesconsetfd dot org>
to: heylivitluvit at gmail dot com
subject: chisellings

Seven Clumsy Mistakes 09% of Men Mazke During Lovemaking.www+se57+net

Well… if only 9% of men are making said mistakes, do we *really* need to be worrying about it?? I’d fire your statistician, stat (pun intended) if I were you. And WTF is a “chiselling”?? I tried UD, but they don’t even seem to know…

1.	chunt	1 up, 13 down
	Someone who always requires services or goods for free, or never buys a drink. Literally a ‘chiselling cunt’ “Look at him avoiding the bar again the little chunt”

And now I don’t want to know.

Moving on…  A lot of you sometimes post the more interesting of google searches that led people to your site. I’ve always been a little scared to look at mine, but, well, I’m a big girl, yes? How bad could they be? And so, if you’re bored today, below please find a list of my more recent searches that led people to my lovely little corner of the interwebs… with the posts they landed on linked for your enjoyment.

Stellar… just fucking stellar. People are twisted, man. (Of course, if they’re all led here, what does that say about me…)

Happy Humpday! (Snarf. I said “hump”)

Mama said share.