Daniel “Diggy” Simmons… is cooler than you.

Look, I mean that in the best way possible. He probably wouldn’t even want me to say that, that’s how cool he is. But you’ve just gotta face facts.

His sneaker line comes out in a month. He dresses better than anyone I know. His second mixtape, ‘Airborne’, drops on July 29th. He’s already been nominated for MTV’s “Hottest Breakthrough MC of 2010″ for his first and other works. Works supported by the likes of Kanye and Nas.

And he’s 15 years old.

picture: @diggy_simmons's twitter background

And believe me, after talking to him for just ten minutes, it doesn’t have anything to do with his father’s success, other than the fact that he was raised in a musical environment and supported by his family to become the driven, friendly, humble, gracious, and ambitious person that he is.

Diggy’s got “it”… you know what I mean. That thing where you just know that someone will be able to accomplish whatever they want to in life, and they’re going to make you love them while they do it.

I’ve transcribed the interview here for those of you reading at work, etc., but try to listen to the audio if you can. Writing can’t capture this kid’s personality.

Okay, y’all, bear with me at the beginning… YES I WAS NERVOUS. Jerks.

L: As a blogger and prospective Twitter Jockey for MTV, one of my favorite things about you is definitely how engaged you are with your fans on the internet. And I hear you’re pretty tight with Justin Bieber, who’s also really active online. What do you think about the way social media now allows artists to connect with their public?

D: I think it’s great, because a lot of the time, I mean, you look at- shoot- years back, the only real source for even hip hop, was just like, allhiphop.com, and now you’ve got all these blogs and ways to get involved you know, as the news occurs. Before it was just radio, which is hard, and now with Facebook, Twitter- you can be like your own publisher.

L: Absolutely, and you can have a real conversation with your fans, actually talk to them.

Oh yeah, I answer and tweet back my fans, DM them, and different things, so I think it’s great, especially when I can interact with the people that go hard for me. It’s mind-boggling to me that somebody like, takes out their day, for me. So it’s great.

L: The very first thing Twitter said when I told them I was interviewing you was: “Ask him about fashion!” You’ve become something of a style icon, and your posts about fashion on your blog are so inspiring. I know you’ve started your own sneaker line, “Chivalrous Culture”, releasing the first shoes this fall, is that right?

D: Yes, the shoes are coming out this fall, like around August/September- it’s going great.

L: So what’s your next move in the fashion world?

D: I wouldn’t mind doing some collaborations, you know, with different brands that I like. And obviously, one day, you know I already have it in mind- I’m always thinking- a clothing brand I’d like to do of mine.

L: And I can’t wait to see it. So, I read that you used Garage Band and a MacBook to produce your first tracks, which I LOVE, and you’ve said in an interview that you want fans to recognize you for your lyrics, rather than mistaking you for a “bubblegum, kiddie-bop” rapper. It seems like you really know what’s important to you as an artist- there’s no tricks, just a real person with real talent. Where does that confidence, that drive, come from?

D: I mean, I don’t know, a lot of people always ask “What is that ambition, what is it in you that’s made you always know what you wanted to do?” I mean, I don’t know. I think it’s just something that me just being young- from sketching when I was like, in the third grade, to having a sneaker line now, you know, always knowing what I wanted and what was the intention.

L: Speaking of that drive, your second mixtape, ‘Airborne’ is going to drop on July 29, 2010. How has it evolved from your first one, ‘The First Flight’? What’s different? [Get a taste of 'Airborne' here.]

D: All across the board. Lyrically, the production- it’s just bigger, it’s very album-esque.

(Aaaand my TWO cameras somehow both cut out for a minute, so make sure you go give it a listen. You won’t be sorry.)

L: You’re one of MTV’s candidates for “Hottest Breakthrough MC of 2010″. You’ve been around the music industry all your life, but only in it yourself less than a year- this be quite a ride. How did you feel when you first heard that?

D: When I first heard it… I was in the car on my way to a photo shoot, and I saw it, you know, the other names pop up, and I’m just happy to be next to these dudes that have been on the grind, and, you know, shoot- it’s just been like, a happy year for me! And it’s great to be next to people who’ve been on the grind for years. It’s only been half a year- you know, the grind- so I’ve been going hard.

L: A lot of people recognize you, I’m sure, from Run’s House, and have preconceived notions about who you are, but through the internet you’ve had the opportunity to connect with them about your point of view on all different issues- music, fashion, pop culture- and you know, has that allowed you to say, “Hey, I’m not just that 10 year old kid from a TV show, I’ve got my own identity.” How has that allowed you to separate yourself from your family, and your brother, who I’m sure you’ve been compared to?

D: Of course it’s harder, but that’s, you know, that’s something you do right here, in interviews, and through your music. You let people know, “Hey, this is just me, I’m here by myself, I’m grinding on my own.” And, you know, that’s just really how you let people know that- of course there’s gonna be the people that doubt you at first, cause there are tons of people that go, “Oh, he’s a rapper now?” Because of course there are a lot of people that are aspiring producers, and on every corner there’s an aspiring rapper, so of course to some people it must be annoying. But the people that have been supporting me, just, you know, thank you.

L: Press was buzzing after your Atlantic deal [for The First Flight] that [older brother] JoJo was jealous. We both know that’s crazy, there’s only love in the Simmons family. But is there a chance the two of you might collaborate in the future?

D: Oh, yeah, for sure. It could most definitely happen, I mean, we have done tracks a while ago that we probably wouldn’t put out, because I’ve progressed since, but, shoot, it could most definitely happen.

L: Maybe we could get the whole family in there?

D: [laughing] I don’t know about that, maybe on some ad libs or something!

Make sure to check out Diggy’s blog, Life of the Jet Setter, for sneak peeks at ‘Airborne’ as well as his fresh perspective on music, fashion and more.

You can follow him on twitter @diggy_simmons, and you can download his first mixtape, ‘The First Flight’, right here.

This kid’s going up fast… you don’t want to miss it.

So, you’ve listened to me rave about Redline Addiction for days now. I’ve told you to follow them here there and everywhere, get thee to their music now!!!

I’ve told you why I love them so… but now I’m going to SHOW you why.

Monday night I was lucky enough to catch them in a recording session for a “behind the scenes” peek at a real band making a real album in a real recording studio. (Starstruck much? Seriously… so cool.)

The guys were absolutely awesome to hang with, my kind of people: down to earth, completely honest, and able to appreciate my Always Sunny jokes. (I was wearing my “Flipadelphia” shirt, and they broke into the Flipadelphia song when they saw it. IMMEDIATE BEST FRIENDS FOR LIFE.)

Enough of my prattling! Check these guys out and decide for yourself (and get a sneak peek into the new album they’re recording)!!!

Now you’re convinced?? Good. I thought so. Then you should do the following, stat:

Follow their (very fun and active) Twitter here: @RedlineAddicts

“Like” their Facebook page HERE

Listen to their music HERE

Here’s my favorite song, “Everybody Knows”: Listen

Review and buy their music on Amazon and iTunes! These guys are giving 10 CDs away to the first ten people who do!!! (Leave a link in the comments and I’ll put you in touch!)

Head to their show tomorrow night and support them as they battle it out with other way-less-cool local bands…

And lastly, tweet this post to spread the word!

Are you addicted yet?!?!?

These MTV challenges just keep getting crazier and crazier. I love it. Bring it on, y’all.

Challenge 3 | Good Vibrations | ZYNC from American Express(SM) Challenge
Open for 3 days ‐ from 12:01am (EST) July 12, 2010 to 11:59pm (EST) July 14, 2010.

Overview: MTV is music at its core. We want our new TJ to exhibit a real passion for music, and to take joy in discovering and breaking the ‘next big thing’…even if they live right next door. This challenge will test the TJ candidate’s ability to know talent when they see it and convince an undecided audience.

Personal: What three musical moments have impacted your life most?

Social: Expose and break a local band of your choice using any media channels available to you. Examples include blogs, the web, newspapers, magazines, video, television, radio, and more. At the end of the challenge, ZYNC from American Express will spotlight your band and their music at Miami Fashion Week!

The personal bit will come later, but for now I’d like to introduce you to my favorite local band,

REDLINE ADDICTION

Bam! Take that!!! In yo face!

Aren’t they edgy? Dirty hot, right? (They’re actually all DC working stiffs just like me, working towards The Dream. Who’dathunkit?!)

So how can you help me with this challenge?

By checking these guys out! Easy, right?

Follow their (very fun and active) Twitter here: @RedlineAddicts

“Like” their Facebook page HERE!

Listen to their music HERE!

Here’s my favorite song, “Everybody Knows”: Listen

Tweet this post to spread the word!

Come on, interwebs. Let’s make these guys HUGE and get them out of Corporate Americana forever!

And if you like what you hear (duh) and you’re in the area, you can support them THIS THURSDAY at the Mid-Atlantic Band Battle!

They’ll be competing at Jammin Java in Vienna, VA (show starts at 8, they go on at 10:30) for some cash money, baby, and studio time.

I’m heading to the studio to see them record tonight, so I’ll be back tomorrow with live footage for ya. For now, help a local band out by following and liking them! You know what to do.

(Love you, B. But come on. The man wrote me a song.)

I give you, from Rahul over at I Wear T-Shirts…Sometimes, the greatest musical performance of all time.

Lyrics:

What does lilu dream of,
when she writes a pretty funny tweet
Does she think of Dj Pauly
or a You Tube reference thats sweet

Don’t you worry all you twitter peeps
She’s going to write you something witty even if it comes to in her sleep
the she’s gonna go and hashtag it up
and then we’re gonna retweet and make it lots of fun

if she’s not the next MTV TJ

Then we’ll go and get drunk!

Thanks, Rahul. I’m at work right now and I totally just lizzed myself.

WORTH IT.

Move over, Sandy. (Too soon?) America has a new sweetheart, and it’s Betty White. Her new show “Hot in Cleveland” just got picked up for Season 2.

This time, Betty gets to be the Blanche. Me OW.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lilo (girl needs to change that nickname, stat!) will be taking FIVE prescriptions with her to jail.

Don’t worry... I'm sure they're actually for Michael anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Worst. Headline. EVERRRRRRRRRRRR.

I'd like to award this a giant honorary Fail Whale.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The drama with Mel continues: Oksana claims she secretly recorded him admitting to hitting her.

"That's what happens to douchebags," said the devil, as he removed his boot from Mel's ass.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kendra may have just released her book, “Sliding Into Home,” but apparently, her new hubby’s sliding intro strippers.

So, I’m stoked about the MTV TJ’s first challenge! Here it is in a nushell: 

(Help, help! How did I get into this nutshell!) 

Ahem. 

CHALLENGE: 

Description: The MTV TJ needs to be self aware and self assured. It is important that we see how the TJ candidate expresses their own identity, but also how they use their social aptitudes to unite and bring people together. With this challenge, the TJ candidate will be asked to tell their personal story through a digital medium of their choice, and to boost their network of followers on Twitter. 

Personal: Who are you? Answer using any form of media available to you. Examples include text, images, sound, or video. 

Social: Using your social skills and promotional abilities, increase your Twitter following (!!!!!) by as many users as possible. 

So, yanno, feel free to tweet the following… 

RT @LivitLuvit Pledge: So if I can hit 3500 followers by July 8 midnight, I will film myself rickrolling a bar and post it. BAM #zyncMTVTJ 

(Also, you can just click here to share my plight with your friends on the ‘Book. Love you long time. SMOOCHES.)  

Well, I’ve got something amazing in the works a la vlog to answer this burning question of WHO AM I, but in the meantime, I’d like to introduce my new followers to LiLu via my internet faves. If you want to know me, my sense of humor, what I love and what I’m about, you need to know about these… 

1. Hampster on a Piano, (Eating Popcorn on a Piano) 

Oh, Hampster and I. We go way back. Since the first moment I saw this video, about lizzed myself, and immediately tried to make it my ringtone, I knew we would forever be as one. 

2. SNL – Don Draper’s Guide to Picking Up Women 

Yes, this is partly because he’s the second sexiest man on earth next to B, but also because A) it’s one of the few truly greats to come out of SNL in the past decade, and B) OH EM GEE, THE AWESOME, IT IS OVERPOWERING. 

Also? C. Funny cause it’s true. 

3. Kitten Mittons – Always Sunny in Philadelphia. 

(Yes, mittons. Not “mittens.” You’ll see.) 

I laughed. I cried. I almost convinced myself to learn to crochet. And then I remembered I prefer drinking beer. 

But the video still kills me, each and every time. 

4. Where the Hell is Matt? (2008)

For the Schmoopy McSchmooperson in all of us. I’ve seen it over and over and over, and I still can’t get through it without tears welling up in my eyes. I once said here that one of my greatest fears is the knowledge that I’m going to live my life without meeting even a billionth of the people on this earth. That remains true, and I think it’s why this video touches me so much… the man had a mission, and while making this video, he lived out my dream of meeting so many new people. 

5. One of my own: “Surprise Trust Falls: Abusing Tourists on the National Mall”

(inspired by my lover @danieltosh over at Tosh.0 )

I’ll say it. I’m just damn proud of this one. Make sure you make it to the happy ending!!!

Honorary mention: Kids re-enact Little ‘Jersey Shore’

Because hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha YES.

Til voting, y’all!!!!!! 11 am Eastern Time, what what!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Voting will be at http://facebook.com/zync, starting at 11am Eastern Time!

And don’t forget, you can also help from now til voting ends on the 22nd by the following:

Twitter your hearts out, love muffins…

Follow @LivitLuvit, my favorite in the @MTVTJ search for MTV’s first Twitter Jockey! #zyncmtvtj #lilu4TJ

(Feel free to get creative, this suggestion is just for your copy & paste convenience. Cause I’m good like that.)

Voting TODAY! (ACK!!!) will be via Facebook. You will only get to have to vote once, so make sure we’re Facebook friends!!!

Also, you can just click here to share my plight with your friends on your Facebook wall.

Love you long time. SMOOCHES.

Update: Ask and you shall receive, lovahs. Here’s my very own Kevin McAllister rendition of how I’m feeling today:

Yes, that is an actual Motivational Poster in the background. VOTE AND GET ME OUT OF THIS CUBE FARM!!!!!!!!!

Hey! Have you tweeted today yet? (If you don’t know what this is about, please to clicky here!)

Follow @LivitLuvit, my favorite contestant in the @MTVTJ search for MTV’s first Twitter Jockey! #zyncmtvtj

(Feel free to modify, the above suggestion is just for your copy & paste convenience. Cause I’m good like that.)

Update: I just found out voting will start on July 7th, and it will be via Facebook. (I know, the irony…) Anyway! You will only get to have to vote once, so make sure we’re Facebook friends and I’ll send ya a reminder! WOOT!!!

And now back to our regular programming…

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Last week, bored in an airport with only my laptop to entertain myself, I of course turned to you, the interwebs, to keep me company. And as always, you did not fail me.

With one simple question, my internet life flashed before my eyes.

And hot DAMN if y’all didn’t rally.

Without further ado, I present to you…

A History of The Internet via Viral Videos We Loved

The Hamster Dance! (click through for the song)

Alien Singing I Will Survive!

The “Oogachaka” Dancing Baby

“Fat Kid Singing Numa Numa Yei”

Banned Commerical – “Blind Date”

“Star Wars Kid”

“Chocolate Rain” by Tay Zonday

“Sneezing Baby Panda”

“Chinese Backstreet Boys”

“Shoes… OMG, Shoes!”

Will Ferrell’s “The Landlord”

(Apparently, the munchkin is Jeremy Piven’s niece! Um, awesome?? Thanks lbluca77!)

Ahhh, how they take me back. Happy Friday, lovebugs!!!

Update: I’m totally adding more with your suggestions, so bring ‘em on!

Well, friends, today’s FINALLY the day!

I’m gonna keep it short and sweet, because some things are just to important to joke about.

Not abortion or Engrish jokes, obviously. Those are free game.

No, I’m talking about the fact that a few weeks ago, MTV- yes, you read that right, MTV- they came to me.

Little old me.

And well, basically… they’ve offered me the chance of a lifetime.

As of today, June 21st, I am one of 20 contestants competing in “The Search for the First MTV TJ” – aka Twitter Jockey.

And so, in three little words…

I need you.

In a few more,

I need you to make my dream come true.

To check out the full details, my ridiculous intro video, my full profile- all that is here.

Meanwhile, in this place, all I can do is ask for your help to make my dream job a reality.

The job itself may not have existed yet when I was born, or even two months ago, for that matter… but I believe it was meant for me. And, frankly?

I would own it.

And so, selfishly, unabashedly, I am asking for your help. For you to help me spread the word, via Twitter, an email or a Facebook shout out to your friends (are WE friends?? Make sure!), blogging it, posting the badge below… and eventually, for your vote when the voting opens in a few weeks.

In return, I vow to fill all the vending machines with PBR, Big League Chew, and unicorn farts for everyone!

Or something.

HOW TO HELP A GIRL OUT:

Add this badge to your sidebar (275 px):

<a href="http://www.livitluvit.com/i-need-you" target="_blank"><img src="http://i556.photobucket.com/albums/ss5/Livitluvit/mtvtj-1.png" border="0" alt="LiLu for MTV TJ"></a>

Smaller version (175 px):

<a href="http://www.livitluvit.com/i-need-you" target="_blank"><img src="http://i556.photobucket.com/albums/ss5/Livitluvit/mtvtj-1-1.png" border="0" alt="LiLu for MTV TJ"></a>

Tweet your heart out for me, all day, every day! (Yes, yes I’m greedy):

Follow @LivitLuvit, my favorite contestant in the @MTVTJ search for MTV’s first Twitter Jockey! #zyncmtvtj

(Feel free to modify, the above suggestion is just for your copy & paste convenience. Cause I’m good like that.)

And then, my love ducks… then we pray. Until we can vote. And then we vote and pray again.

I know there might be a lot of newcomers today, so I’d like to officially welcome you to my humble corner of the interwebs with the musical stylings of my partner in crime Maxie and myself, in the key of Stephen Colbert:

You’re welcome.

If you have any questions, new reader or old, please comment or email me. I’d love to hear from you in any and all formats.

But mostly by you pimping me on Twitter.

What?

Update: Here’s my intro video I sent into MTV. Um, after watching the others, it’s a little… DIFFERENT. But you wouldn’t expect anything less from me, would you?

~ So. Remember that time I promise you an amazing surprise later this week? Um, well…

I lied.

AGAIN. (I know.)

But I finally have a new date, chickens, and on MONDAY, JUNE 21st, you WILL be privy to my fantabulous news.

Pinky swear. And you know I can’t go back on that. ~

So, I have a bone to pick.

(Shocking, I know.)

Inventors of the world? You are seriously slacking.

Sure, technology is great and all. But you’ve kind of become a one-trick pony, haven’t you? It’s always just faster, better, smaller, 3G, 4G, 18G… I’m over it.

Those things aren’t TANGIBLE. I want something new to marvel at, something the world’s never seen the like of before.

I want a show-stopper.

I want the sandwich. I want the telephone. I want a blanket with sleeves. (Okay, that was this century. You guys get credit for that one.)

But overall, frankly, I’m unimpressed. Therefore, I’ve come up with a list of…

Things You Inventor-People Totally Should Have Invented By Now. (Get On That, and Stuff.)

1. A pill to make you short-term sick at work.

The perfect way to go home early! It would turn you green, makes your nose run like you just snorted cinnamon (or pepper, if you’re a tiger and that’s your thing), and, if necessary, induce vomiting, preferably on that coworker-you-hate’s desk.

And then, an hour later, after they’ve begged you to go home and rest… you’re back to 100%!!! …Just in time to get the best table for Happy Hour. WIN.

2. Midget stenographers, a la Chappelle.

For serious, I am so sick of trying to WRITE all my thoughts down, particularly when I’m drunk or in the middle of the night and then they’re completely illegible in the morning. Horse… playing… tetris? WTF?

It would be SO much better if I just had my own Chuy following me around that I could shout things at and they would be forever typing away with their cute little fingers

3. Hover boards.

FOR SERIOUS with this one, guys. Michael J. introduces them what, 25 years ago? in Back to the Future, Ali G tried to pitch it to the Donald, and zip. Nada.

I’m still walking to work like a goddamn Neanderthal, dodging idiot tourists and homicidal taxi cabs and Obama’s 87 car entourage.

Fix it!

WANT.

4. Teleportation.

Listen, Al Gore goes and invents the internet, you give us all these amazing ways to meet my most favoritest people from all over the world… and yet, no way to go have a freaking beer with them without spending money and time on traveling who knows where??? We need a device that will just BAM! ZING! KABLOOEY! And put all of us on our very own special Blogger Island, where we can sing karaoke and have drinks with wee umbrellas together for a few hours, before zapping back home to our respective corners of the universe.

Best. Idea. EVER.

I know.

5. A way to pee without getting up.

Oh wait… that’s a diaper.

Never mind. I’ll just invest in some of these:

~Hey! Are you reading this in a Reader? That’s cool… don’t want the man to see you being lazy, for sure. But do me a wee favor and click here, just for a second, if you don’t mind… *vague and mysterious ftw*~

Well, well, well. How fast time flies when you’re having fun. 

Or telling each other fart jokes. 

Accentuated with actual farts. 

What? 

Point being, next weekend will mark two years of B and I thoroughly entertaining each other (and, hopefully, you as well.) 

Unfortunately, I am an asshole, and managed to book a trip home to Boston for Father’s Day without realizing the other anniversial special occasion.

(P.S. June 17th? Gonna be in Beantown? HIT ME UP YO)

Fortunately, a) B and I always end up doing presents a week early anyway, because I’m too impatient to wait, and b) now he has a freebie in the bag for the next time he screws up. 

Fair’s fair. 

So! I have spent the last couple weeks scouring the interwebs for something original. Thoughtful, even. At the very least, something I can enjoy as well. (What?) 

And I’m here to tell you, e-friends… do NOT Google “anniversary gift for him.” Just don’t do it. 

Because this is what you’ll get: 

Once he finished laughing, we would never hold hands again.

Do you get to "park" your penis if you land on Park Place?

Right. I'm totally going to spend 20 bucks on a fucking SILVER FORTUNE COOKIE. I'd rather have a $20 gift certificate to the Dollar Store.

Vom, vom, vom, vom in my hair, VOM.

This is a "pocket keepsake." It'd almost be worth it to see the look on our friends' faces when he accidentally pulled it out.

"And every year, we drink a bottle of rosé, do our Love Puzzle, and then punch each other in the face."

Love Throw Pillow. Alternate title: "An Excuse to Never Have Guests at Your Home Again."

Okay, okay. Clean the proverbial barf off yourself and let’s get down to business. I knew a traditional google search clearly wasn’t going to cut it, so with the help of Twitter (you guys are freaking awesome, bee tee dubs), we collaborated and came up with the following actually respectable anniversary gifts for a dude. 

And so, I give you: 

“A Realistic Anniversary Gift-Giving Guide for a 20-Something Dude”

Always Sunny in Philly approved Dick Towel! No explanation necessary.

It's up! It's down! It's... confusing, yet awesome.

What dude WOULDN'T want his very own pub sign?

Mini kegerator? Just change my name to "B's hero" already.

My favorite meaning for the phrase "I'm packin'."

Night vision goggles. Just cause I can't see a dude NOT getting excited over these.

A shitload of meat. (DUH.)

Um. Does this come in His and Hers? Because YES and also PLEASE.

And no, I didn’t ruin the surprise, because what I actually got him is even more bad ass than all of this. 

(No pressure…) 

Know of something else awesome to give a dude that doesn’t involve the word “snuggling”, matching lockets, or something so corny even his mom would laugh at it? Leave it in El Commentos!

*And just in case anyone’s not familiar with the Love Fern…

So yesterday, I finally made The Switch.

You know the one I mean…

Woman to man. I’m finally a post-op transcentaur!

I kid, I kid.

Probably.

No no, my friends, I mean the most important switch any true interwebs addict (who can’t get an iPhone because of their Verizon family plan slash being poor DAMN YOU APPLE AND YOUR ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY JUST OUT OF MY REACH!!!!!) can make:

from BlackBerry… to Droid.

(Cue drum finale, cymbals, triangle!)

I’ve been wanting to switch teams (ha) for a while. The only thing I was worried about was not having real, push-me-and-feel-it-click buttons. This whole touch screen thing seems a little sketch, like the old guy at the bar who puts his cheek out for a kiss and then turns at the last second so you plant one on him.

What?

But the Droid- (hmmm, it needs a name. Eduardo? Eduardo it is)- won me over within the hour. First of all, Eddie has a KEY FOR EVERY LETTER!!!!! (Yes, I had the Pearl, aka the only Berry without a qwerty keyboard. And yes, it blew chunks. Big wet ones.)

I know, I know. I’m so behind the times. I’m basically Amish. Or the Duggars. (Having twenty kids is SO 19th century.)

Anyhoo. Not only does Eddie have a FULL keyboard, the damn thing practically knows what I want to say before I think it. Or at least, is reallyreally good at guessing. Here, I’ll prove it.

Let’s see what happens when I try to type in some of my most recent searches that led people to this here blog:

I typed:   dynp jb my pNys rmi thuesdau

Eddie knew I meant:   dump in my pants tmi thursday

I typed:   jetay shore deibkinf gae

Eddie knew I meant:    jersey shore drinking game

I typed:   tampok ibsertioncmp counselie

Eddie knew I meant:    tampon insertion camp counselor

I typed:   ccaugr jt ib rhe rheelevarir doota

Eddie knew I meant:    caught it in the elevator doors

*sigh of happiness* 

This, my friends, is the beginning of a Great Romance.

So.

It’s that time, friends. That sit-on-a-rooftop-and-drink-beer-with-dear-friends-and-a-few-strangers-but-no-one-who’ll-rape-you-time!

Disclaimer: Does not apply to cuddle-rapes.

Second disclaimer: Yes, I know rape’s not funny.

Third disclaimer: Unless the word “cuddle” is in front of it.

DONT FIGHT THE IRONY, AMIGO!!

Anyhoo, if there’s one thing in this world I’m good for, it’s bringing strangers together. In the biblical sense.

Wait. No.

Sexy-friendsical sense?

Let me try that on.

*shakes it out*

Sure. That’ll do.

What I’m trying to say here, is that I’d like to see you. Your face. And your legs. And even your hugging arm. (It’s your left. No, your other left. Just make the “L” with your hand, goddammit!! We don’t have all day.)

Wait, yes we do. We’re at “work”.

Bwahaha! Take that, The Man!

So, if you would like to see me, and all the awesome people who are going to comment here to let us know they’re coming, be at Vapiano’s in Chinatown (map) at 6pm on Friday, June 4th, a la your vote.

Spread the word, y’all. Spread it like herpes at Woodstock.

Dirty hippies.

Steal this button if you’re coming!

Copy and paste the code in your own blog:

<a href="http://www.livitluvit.com/2010/05/because-apparently-i-didnt-get-enough-to-drink-in-vegas.html"><img class="aligncenter" src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3382/4641327737_8457fb1000_o.jpg" alt="DC HH June 4" width="300" height="370" /></a>

Raise your hand if you’re going to Chipotle for lunch after watching this…

Happy Friday, bumpkins!

I am a bit, how shall we say… terrified of getting older.

I know, I know. No big shock, right? So’s your mom.

But here’s the thing: it’s less about actually aging and drooping and having mortgages and breaking hips and shit than it is about…

Not being cool.

You know… with it. In vogue. Streets ahead, and so on and so forth.

I know what you’re thinking:

But LiLu, you’re already the biggest dork we know! For Pete & Pete’s sake, you’re obsessed with your cats and an anime Nicktoon…

Don't hate. He's the world's very LAST Airbender!!!

 and frankly, we didn’t want to say it, but you’re a little bit loco in the cabeza with the Always Sunny references… AND the twss jokes.

*You duck in anticipation of my flailing-arm protest*

The thing is, I KNOW all that. I’m well aware of my Reigning Dorkdom. And what it boils down to is, I basically don’t stand a chance of being hip in my golden years. And that scares me.

You see, this weekend at the wedding, I met the World’s Coolest Lady.

(No, seriously. I’d present her with a sash that said so if I thought she wasn’t too cool to wear it.)

The lovely bride put together a meet and greet for the families on Friday night; we gathered around a fire pit to bond over far too much just the right amount of vino. From the moment Aunt Theresa walked in, I was in awe.

This woman was Helen Mirren with a side of Meryl Streep, all wrapped up in a healthy dose of Bea Arthur’s ‘tude.

Redic… wait for it… ulous.

Statuesque and sophisticated at NINETY, (and never without a cocktail in hand,) she regaled me with tales of her life, her travels, and her four marriages (one in her 30s, 40s, 50s, and 60s). “Oh, you grow,” she told me with a casual wave of her hand, the mark of a person who’s not only experienced, but accepted life.

At the reception, I continued to hassle her (in between showcasing my White Girl Dance Moves) for the secret to rocking it at almost a century year old, until B came to subtly rescue her from my drunk clutches.

The next day at the airport, B and I were nursing our Awesome Wedding Hangover with some hair of the dog when I turned to him.

Me: She was just so freaking cool! I wonder what the secret is to never getting lame…

(pregnant pause, B begrudgingly turns one eye towards me from ESPN)

Me: I guess… I guess it’s just not having kids, so you stay rich and thin and can travel the world and be fabulous all the time?

B: *laughs* Yeah, I’d say that’s pretty much it.

Le sigh.

Aunt Theresa, I raise my glass to you. You are 90-some years old, and cooler than I could ever hope to be.

There is a long and growing list of ridiculous things that the dork inside of me just freaking loves. See: Legend of the Seeker, Vampire Diaries, photoshopped videos of Standing Cat in Boots, Avatar: The Last Airbender, and abusing tourists on the National Mall, to name a few.

(Well, okay… sometimes it’s the 13 year old girl in me. WHAT’S YOUR POINT.)

One of these ridiculous things that makes my heart go squeee! are colloquialisms.

So, like a TRUE dork, I’ve started keeping a list of the most awesome sauce ones I hear. (I have to admit, the list has gotten a fucking lot of a cocksucker better since we started watching Deadwood, though Life on Mars, The Wire, and my newest love, Southern Fried Stings account for quite a few as well.)

I just plain adore them, be they southern, foreign, or just plain old-fashioned.

And now, I share them with you.

“He’s madder than a bear with a bee in its ass.”

“He’s so full of shit his eyes are brown.”

“I been makin’ this gumbo since Michael Jackson had a nose like yours.”

“Opinions are like assholes, some are just louder and smellier than others.”

“I’m hotter than a popcorn fart.”

“I ain’t never seen a bird fly so high it didn’t have to come down some time.”

“Ain’t no need for a dust up way I see it.”

“It’s colder than a fart in a dead eskimo.”

“She’s so ugly you’d hafta hang a pork chop around her neck to get the dog to play with her.”

“Wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one gets filled the fastest.”

Love. It.

Happy Friday y’all!

Hey all! It’s been far too long since I tipped back a beer with many of you, so in true LiLu form, I’m here to fix that.

On Wednesday (the 7th), Tonic in Columbia Heights (about 2 blocks from the metro; map here) is throwing a Cherry Blossom-themed Happy Hour to benefit Global Youth for Education and Change, a non-profit in South Africa that provides food, clothing and general care to children impacted by the HIV/AIDS pandemic. No cover charge and drink specials galore- what more could you want?

If you can come, RSVP here and let me know I’ll be seeing your pretty face! I know the bartender personally and she’s a doll among dolls.

That got weird.

But seriously, I hope you can make it. I’ll have my bells on. Or a boa. Or something equally ridiculous.

Now scroll down for your Friday happiness… 

Keep going…

TOLD YOU.

Happy weekend, lovebugs!

Okay, so.

A lot of you probably already know about this, but I wanted to wait to announce it here until it’d taken off a bit… and it sure as shit has.

If you’ll remember, earlier this month B and I embarked on a new and quite X-treme!!! fitness journey, which is going very well. Many of you asked me to keep you updated on our progress… but I’ve decided to do you one better.

One way, WAY better.

Last Tuesday when I was pounding away on the treadmill, it came to me. Like Smee in Hook, “lightning… had just struck my brain.”

BAM. Within minutes, I was the proud new owner of InItToGymIt.com.

I moved forward quickly- I knew exactly what I wanted this place to be. A little web design, 80+ contributors, and more than 30 posts (from as many people!) later… In It To Gym It was born.

Our ‘About‘ page:

We’re all In It for different reasons.

We have different things we need to share, different goals, different pant sizes.

This is a place to vent, to despair, to support, to be unbelievably corny.

This is a place to do whatever we have to in order to hold ourselves accountable, be it record calories, exercise, feelings, insults, ambitions, poundage, or ugly cries.

This is not a competition. This place is simply meant to help each other facilitate those goals, whatever they may be. To create a community of support and motivation, no matter how silly or trivial a complaint or worry or bitchfest may seem.

(And, um, to add a little thing called accountability in the mix? Don’t hurt a thing.)

60+ contributors and growing, posting whenever, whatever, they need to.

The only rule is play nice.

The name of the game is get in shape, girls and boys…

Therefore, we are:

IN IT TO GYM IT.

As DC Blogs* called it last night…

And it’s all ours.

Thank you so much to everyone who helped with it’s creation, who jumped on board, who reads, who comments, who supports and helps motivate. That really is the name of the game, after all.

Sidebar: Want the IITGI button for your sidebar? Here’s the code:

<a href="http://inittogymit.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1020.photobucket.com/albums/af321/liluspics2/gym-1-1.jpg" border="0" alt="In It To Gym It"></a>

Twitter, Facebook, 20sb, and our Google Group. Okay, swear I’m done!

So from now on, any fitness-related notions or updates of mine will be over there. If that’s your bag, check it out! The bigger the community the better, right?

If not, rest assured that THIS place, the LiLu you’ve come to know and (hopefully) love, won’t be changing a smidge. It will be cat antics, self-deprecation, the shiz B says, and other ridiculous business as usual.

So wherever I see you around, whether it’s here, there, or everywhere, thanks for being there. You fill my heart with butterflies, rainbows, and cats wearing silly outfits.

*Speaking of DC Blogs, I am honored to announce that I will be taking over the Tuesday round-up as a regular gig from now on. So make sure to always post your best stuff on Mondays!

Wait, what?

Last week, B and I had drinks with a couple of friends from his hometown. We always have a good time with them, but this outing was particularly lovely, because they bestowed upon me the greatest idea anyone has ever had in The History of Ever.

“If we get married,” they told us, “We’re going to register at…

“SKY MALL.”

Ohnoyoudidn’t.

People, answer me true. Is this not pure, unadulterated GENIUS? Every time I’m on an airplane, I spend an hour or so looking through this goddamn ridiculous magazine, and by the time I reach the end, I’ve spent approximately $56,391 in my head.

And here’s why.

Head Spa Massager ($50)

 I’ve always thought I’d make a great cylon.

Original Backnobber II

 I would totally get this for B to solve yesterday’s dilemma… if only it didn’t so closely resemble an anal probe.

Camo Mini Binoculars ($25)

 They’re camo! And mini! All the fun of Jurassic Park without any of the Jeff Goldblum stutter!

Wrist Cell Phone Carrier ($30)

 As someone who is convinced she’s lost her Blackberry 98.7% of the time… I might actually need this. It’s the cell phone equivalent of putting your kid on a leash.

Big Foot Garden Yeti Sculpture ($100)

 I don’t think any words are necessary here. (If they are, we probably can’t be friends.)

Jumpin Jammerz – Polar Fleece Footed Pajamas ($65)

 Creepiest. Slumber party. EVER.

Stainless Steel Wallet ($90)

 Free with any purchase of nunchucks from Chuck Norris R’Us.

Cat Toilet Training System ($59)

With a name like “Litter Kwitter,” this just can’t lose.

Seriously, guys. Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t want every last thing here.

YOU CAN’T DO IT!!!!!!

So, eventually, when I do get hitched, you better believe I’ll be registering at Sky Mall…

Because I’m klassy like that.

I woke up yesterday morning to an SOS message in my inbox.

“Dear Lilu…aka Karaoke Queen….

I have NEVER been….

I have been invited to go….

March 13….

Would you consider writing a blog post on HOW TO KARAOKE?

I mean seriously….how many drinks are involved?

Do you pick a song based on ease of lyrics or personal love?

I am intrigued and terrified at the same time.”

~ Donna

Well, Donna. Given that I know a little something about unabashedly crooning for strangers, particularly in seedy bars, how could I not help a sister out?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Rules to PWNing Karaoke

First things first. You want to get there early and snag a table with an excellent view of the humiliations- I mean, performances. Choose a place that serves ginormous beers on the cheap so you don’t miss having your name called by the DJ while ordering a beverage. You should occasionally have someone bring a round of shots by to lube the wind pipes your dignity.

Drink heavily and with purpose. You need to be bordering on sloppy drunk but perform justbefore going over the edge. Timing is of the essence here, people.

Now, the venue. It’s preferable if the place is extra shady; things like poor lighting and the stunted walls of an acoustically-challenged basement can only help you here, folks.

Next, you’re going to need a group of friends to share the pathetic experience with you. More is better because it increases the chances of anyone remembering anything. Less is better because it decreases the chances of anyone remembering anything. Either way, you should definitely choose them from the “Will Have to Love You Anyway” pile.

Now it’s song choice time. There are a few basic rules to this:

1. Make sure you know either 50% of the words or 100% of the beat. Make SURE. Just because you rocked City High’s “What Would You Do” in high school doesn’t mean you can do it now, friend. Trust.

2. Choose a song the whole bar will want to sing. Unless you’ve actually got serious skills, class participation is key to making everyone forget that you probably kind of blow at this. Also? Nothing downer, unless it’s hilarious, like All 4 One’s “I Swear.” No one wants to hear you wail out to T.L.C.’s ”Waterfall” or, God forbid, Oasis’ “Wonderwall.” Save that for the car. (Not applicable when driving in Southeast D.C.)

3. DO NOT choose one of the most cliché karaoke songs ever. It makes the bartender groan because you are now that person that put on “Friends in Low Places” or ”Don’t Stop Believin’” for the eleventy millionth time . I don’t care if it reminds you of college and a time when you didn’t know what IBS was. Do not be That Guy/Girl.

(…Let someone else do it. Because I guarantee they will, and then you get to sing it anyway. God, I love those songs.)

Once you take the stage, which should be earlier on the night (you don’t want to have to follow anything awesome- you want to BE the awesome!)… anyhoo, you’re going to want to have a set of decent and/or ridiculous but wholly entertaining dance moves at your disposal. These will be helpful during musical interludes, places where you flat out forget lines or totally lose the beat, or to dodge items should they start, um… coming your way. (Remember the five D’s: dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge!)

There’s really only one word you need to know to give a unique and memorable karaoke performance:

COMMITMENT.

Don’t half-ass it, folks. If you suck, suck royally. If you dance, dance your heart out. If you don’t know the words, sing louder. OWN your time on that stage. Own it hard.

Whether you like it or not, friend, you’re putting on a show. You might as well make it epic… for better or for worse.

***Update!

Addendum: When coming to the grandiose finish of your performance, no matter WHAT song you’re singing, you must thrust your arms in the air in a “V for Victory!” fashion and shout, “KNIBB HIGH FOOTBALL RULES!!!!!!!!!!”

That is all.***