Last week, I glanced at my wordpress dashboard and something caught my eye.

Posts: 493

Wait. What? That must be counting, like, 100 drafts, right??

Nope. It is true, my friends. Today marks the day I have poisoned the interwebs with my drivel Five. Hundred. Times.

After I got over the initial shock, it dawned on me that something clearly must to be done in order to celebrate this ridiculous and entirely self-asborbed milestone.

A BLOG ROAST!!!!!!!!!!

After all, I spend so much time on here making fun of MYSELF… let’s give you all a chance for once, eh?

So a few of my closest friends and bloggy cohorts have given us these Roasty Tidbits so we can have a big old laugh at all things LiLu.

Thank you so much, each and every one of you who wrote something below, all of you who comment around these parts, every last one of you who reads. This place has become one of my favorites in the world, and it’s truly all because of YOU.

Here’s to another (God help us) 500…

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Roast! Roast! Roast!

Let’s All Make Fun of LiLu!

(If only we had Christopher Walken to MC.)

Let’s kick it off…

brad:

“Things I know you know I know you know (aka FACTS):

I don’t like cats, but I’m cool with Axe Murderer and Murray. So, obviously, they’re not actually cats. And I’d appreciate it if you and B stopped with the lies and just admitted that you found a pair of growth-stunted dogs that are fluent in purring.

Don’t worry: you will never be a cat lady. But if I’m reading the Washington Post 10 years from now and see that you and B are basically the Angelina and Brad of growth-stunted-dogs-pawned-off-as-cats, traveling country to country, adopting animals with identity crises, let’s just say I won’t be surprised.

You dance like Forrest Gump with the leg braces on.

I don’t like food that has been seasoned with poop. But even though I ate at the housewarming when you fought the beast and were elbow deep in your toilet’s exit hole before you made the food, I never once thought about not going back. So either I’m a broken, broken man, or you are worth risking some surprise fiber in the chili.

Congratulations.”

Lexa:

“Lilu once made me go see Year One…where they eat feces. That is all.”

cavy:

“From bathroom humor, crazy boy stories, and a love of both alcohol and karaoke (preferably in combination with each other), I can honestly say that you are one of the most unique people I’ve ever encountered.  And by unique, I mean very similar to me.

In honor of your 500th, I’m placing this fantasy in your hands.  Use it well.”

Lizzy:

“In our year of friendship, Lilu has given me a lot. A vibrator. A virtual, and then real, shoulder to cry on. A badass new website. Hours of inappropriate laughter. So, I love her…but I’m going to have to expose her. You guys think she’s all funny funny cat lady with the cute boyfriend, but before that? Lilu was a FASHION blogger. (The crowd shudders) Yes, people. Go back to the archives. I dare you. Almost every post ended with some shoe porn. So I’m here to say, bring back the mother effing shoes, hooker.”

Moog:

“LiLu and B – so in love you always want to tell them to “GET A ROOM.” Then you realize that they actually DO have a room but it’s full of stupid fucking cats.

LiLu is like the blogger I aspire to be: funny, friendly, and has a vagina. I love vaginas. SO jealous. But then, if I had one, I wouldn’t have time to blog. You know, with all the masturbating and sticking vegetables in it and stuff.

LiLu has been like the sister I never had. I guess that makes B the brother I never had. Which makes me picturing them having sex like some weird Kentucky home movie. Especially with me in the middle. FYI, B is packing and doesn’t like to lube up when he goes backdoor. I wish I never had a brother.”

lacochran:

“Congratulations to the only chick I know who works to make you feel comfortable while she shares details about blow jobs. Shine on you crazy diamond. Love ya!”

Marie:

“She loves hard – especially her man – and lives life to the fullest – especially in bed.

You give her specific instructions for how to make and drink a certain type of extremely strong alcohol. But since she’s already had too much firefly, she’s downed the entire beverage in mid-explanation.

LiLu, my dear, you are a wonderful and unique individual. Let’s keep it that way shall we?”

Maxie:

“Thank god the 20sb Award LiLu won for “blogger I’d most like to get a drink with” was phrased in the singular form. The girl can’t stay up past 10:00 to save her life, let alone to have 2.”

Narm:

“LiLu is to blogging what beastiality is to internet porn. She is funny and shocking but I also have to delete my history before Mom finds out.

500 posts – and at least four of them didn’t have a TWSS joke! It’s like they just come naturally (TWSS).

Thanks to the “TMI Thursday” series it is quicker to just ask bloggers where they HAVEN’T shit themselves. It has turned the internet into one big menstruation play-by-play. Are you there, God, it’s me, THE ENTIRE FUCKING INTERNET.

Congrats on 500 posts!”

Shoebox Dweller:

“Once upon a time, a broken hearted woman wrote a message, slipped it into a bottle, and set it gently upon the water. Giving voice to her grief made her feel better, and so she continued writing, setting the words free.

Day after day, she watched the bottles drift away, destination unknown.

One day, she woke up and was amazed to find a bottle washed up on shore. She nervously unrolled the message, and read the words:

“I hear you. You are stronger and braver than you know, and I hear you.”

Words can make us laugh, sometimes so hard that we think we will burst. Words can make us cry, for our own sorrows and those of others we have never met.

Words bring people together who would otherwise never meet, for reasons of geography or age or any other divisive reason.

It’s been an honour to be a part of your life, your home, and most of all, to be part of the incredible community that you have created. Your creativity and humour brings people together, and that is a rare gift indeed.”

Jenn:

“When I first met LiLu at #pbtuna back in October, I was all nervous and intimidated and scared and “what if she hates me?!” I mean, come on people. The girl writes about poop at least once a week. What if I was too white bread because I kept my bowel movements to myself? Can you really blame someone for that sort of discretion?

Well kids, I’m going to let you in on a little top secret state secret. That girl who writes about farts and named her cat Axe Murderer? SHE’S A TOTAL SOFTIE.

That’s right. Total softie. Have you read her archives from when she first met B? (*cough* I’m a stalker *cough*). She’s quite lovable, this one.

Unless you’re a freak in a bar who won’t stop talking to her or her friends, in which case you should brace yourself because all that shit she keeps talking about? It’s coming straight for your face.”

Alexa:

“four words: penis shaped ice luge. i love you girl, and congrats on making it to 500! being the blog rockstar that you are, you’ll be hitting 1,000 before we know it. xoxo”

That Kind of Girl:

“One of the most incredible things about Lilu is how hard she works to make sure she individually welcomes every single person to the internet. Girlfriend’s such a comment whore she has to wear latex gloves when she types. Who among us hasn’t wondered how she has the friggin’ time to be a patron saint of and treasured friend to bloggers everywhere?

Pro tip: she saves time by forcing B to generate half of her posts. Can’t you just see him, locked in the bathroom, one cat duct-taped to each arm while Lilu force feeds him tequila and laxatives. “Come on, baby, next Thursday’s post won’t write itself. Give me two more cat jokes and one poop story, then we can negotiate your couch privileges…”

Completely worth it, Lilu (and hang in there, B — keep saying shiz, lest she feed you to Axie!). We love your blog, dude, and we love you.”

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***This idea inspired by my dear friend Katherine’s genius post a year ago- thanks for letting my blatantly steal it. XOXO***

Well, not really. If you’re on Twitter or actually read to the end of my posts or are one of my best friends, you’ve probably heard me at some point (or 50) say…

“Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. MOM. MOM. MOM!!!!!!!!!!

Look what I did.”

(And yes, in this scenario, you are all my mother. Let’s not dwell on that. Just continue the exercise, folks, and we’ll all get out of here with our sanity intact.)

(Maybe.)

Anyhoo, I have, as of lately, started to dabble in the art of creating blog layouts for others. When I had mine done last year, it piqued my curious cat-like mind.

*snort*

Hey!

…and ever since, I’ve been teaching myself the ins and outs and upside downs of it all. There’s been a LOT of trial and error, heavy on the error at first… (quote from B: “You have to stop SCARY gasping like that!!!”)…

But I daresay I’m getting the hang of it.

And more importantly, I LOVE it. I’m in like-like, here, folks. If it passed me a love note right now, I would totally check “yes” instead of “maybe.” I’m ballsy like that.

Point being, I’ve now done enough of them where I feel like we should probably have a little session of show and tell. And today is my day.

on the road with cavy:

It’s Unbeweavable!:

The Bridal Bloggettes:

The Wayfaring Stranger:

Blog Voyeur Turned Blogwhore:

Sloppy Words…

Vixations of a Vixen…

Shimmerfairy’s Blog…

Not That Kind of Girl:

Just Run Just Live Just Be:

On the shelves:

(A couple that didn’t work out, but I love them and am saving them for… you??)

and also…

So, yeah. That’s what I’ve been insanely busy with the past few weeks… but I ain’t complaining. I’m absolutely loving it. I hope you do too, for obvious reasons.

Should you love it so much you want one of your own (Wordpress only, sorry!), just drop me a line. I’ll be sitting on my butt all day, thanks to the Snowpocalypse 2010.

Happy Snowday to my DC Peops! Let’s hold out for one more…

First things first… thanks to Random.Org, the winner of the TFLN book is…

#34 – RachelSmiles!

“i want that book! if only so i can share one liners with people so that they think i’m funny ”

Well you’ve got it, my dear! I’ll put you in contact with the nice lady who will be sending it to you shortly.

There’s only one condition. You must come to the Happy Hour that Maxie, brad and I are hosting at the Vapiano’s in Dupont next Friday, February 5th.

Oh, you haven’t heard about it yet?

That’s because we’re announcing it NOW.

Come one, come all. I don’t want to hear any BS about how you “don’t know anyone” and you’re “intimidated.” Hitler wasn’t intimidated! Are you saying you’re no better than Hitler?? Come on now.

And finally, I leave you with a smile. Because I have to put something here to cover up that Hitler joke, mostly.

B and I have recently become enamored with the show Tosh.O. It’s like the Soup, but dirtier.

Don’t know it? I’m about to change that.

He is also responsible for this.

And this.

Tosh.0
Asians Doing Christopher Walken Impressions
www.comedycentral.com
Web Redemption 2 Girls, 1 Cup Reaction Demi Moore Picture

You? Are WELCOME.

Happy Weekend, everyone. I’ll C U Next… FRIDAY!!!

***Please to steal the Happy Hour button and post it in your own blog to let everybody know!***

Bullet time!

~ Yesterday’s comments were pretty amazing- if you haven’t weighed in yet, I’d love to hear what you think. Saved by the Bell is involved.

~ My sister, who is young, talented, gorgeous, way funnier than me, and incredibly intelligent (she totally kicked my ass in the SATs), is in need of a job in the Boston area. If you know of any professional openings, please drop me a line here and I’ll put you in contact. Also, I will forever be in your debt and send you cookies like, at least twice a year. For a year.

~ My butt buddy Jenn, who is young, talented, gorgeous, lit-rally BUCKETS of fun, and too damn smart for her own good (in the “you’d-love-her-to-work-for-you” kinda way), is ALSO in need of a job… in D.C. My people in the District, rise up and come forth and all that! Shoot me an email and I will have her send you her (impressive) resume faster than a Democrat losing the key Senate seat in Massachusetts.

~ ZIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!!!!

~ After the 20-hour headache that was putting together the (awesome-and-totally-worth-it!!!!!) Love Harder video, I have officially decided I need a Mac. Anyone selling a laptop? That they will promise on pain of my ripping them a new one on this blog is totally legit and will not die on me? BECAUSE IF ANOTHER COMPUTER DIES ON ME I WILL GO ALL STABBY ON A STRANGE CHILD and no one wants that.

~ I’ve got a guest post over at Middle Aged Waitress today, in which I recount my First Day Ever of being a waitress. Suffice to say, it did not go well…

~ Thought I’ve said it all over the interwebs, I have yet to officially say Thank You, so much, to everyone who voted for me in the 20SB Bootleg Awards. I walked away with more than my fair share, and I could not be more honored. I knew I had “Most Awkward” in the bag, but “Best Female”? “Funniest”? Y’all blow me the freak away. (More awesome news to come re: me and 20SB later this week… WOOT!)

~ I have a copy of TFLN to give away! The book is a comprisal of all the best “Texts No One Remembers Sending”… and it is one hawt mess. Just leave a comment here to be entered! (Winner announced Friday.)

Recently, I’ve been getting a lot of emails about finding one’s “voice,” a la blog.

(At least, I hope y’all meant blogs… I can’t help you with your press releases and such. I before e, mofos.)

Anyhoo, they send me these emails because- get this- they seem to think I’ve found MINE.

I know. I know.

And every time I get one of those, it sort of takes me aback. “Did they send this to the right person… Do they really mean MY little mess of a corner?”

This is all a bit odd for me. Now, I don’t deny that I am- currently- one big bag of personality. For better or for worse, ya love me or hate me. Holy Hell… I’ve become a Kardashian!!

But, my dear friends, and you knew there was a “but”… ’twas not always this way.

{insert shimmery “Saved by the Bell”-style fade out to a time long ago…}

dee dee dee dee, dee dee dee dee… okay I’m done.

Confession: When I was in 7th grade, I used to lock myself in closets and cry, because I thought I was so…

wait for it…

BORING.

(Sidebar: Sorry for that time at Steve’s house when you all really thought I was dead, Mom. I think I fell asleep. They must use fancy fabric softener or something.)

You see, I was part of a group… and we had the “funny” friend. The “tomboy” friend. The “boy-crazy” one, the “good-at-sports” one and the “smart” one.

And none of them were me.

I couldn’t figure out where I fit in. I was like a gay boy at a Texan high school with no musical theater program through which to find my true calling.

To be fair, this was also SEVENTH GRADE, when I’m pretty sure everyone and their mom felt like that. Or at least felt shitty about themselves in some way. Maybe you should all send me junior high pictures of yourselves so I feel better. Please?

God, this is turning into a therapy session. Okay, out of the Trust Tree and back into the real world. (Just not Real World DC. They really are boring.) The point is, eventually I found my goddamn voice or personality or chi or whatever the fuck you want to call it. And it took three things…

1. Time. As in growing up (and into my big ole nose) and all that.
2. Taking risks, like moving to the south, or getting a Brazilian. And lastly,
3. Putting myself out there. NOT IN THE SEXY WAY, you pervs. Like, metaphorically, and shit.

What do those three things add up to? That’s right, class. Say it with me: EXPERIENCE.

And so it shall be with your blog. There’s no escaping it- it won’t take off if you huddle in your corner of the interwebs wondering if anyone will notice you, crying in your e-closet. And Steve’s mom won’t be there to eventually find you, dry your eyes, give you a cookie, and call your mom to come get her bag of crazy-ass daughter.

Write. Write well, and openly, and as often as you can. Every time you hit “publish” your voice will become stronger, your direction more apparent. But that, of course, is only half of it.

GET OUT THERE. Think of the blogosphere as one big dating field. How will anyone know you exist if you don’t say “hi”? Then maybe they see your comment and come over, they say hi too… oh look, you even have stuff in common! Let me take you out for an e-drink, i.e. give you an “award” or tag you in a meme or add you to my blogroll, and then other people e-meet you too, and so on and so forth!

The fantastic difference between dating and blogging is you can connect with as many people as you want. Um, I think I just compared blogging to polygamy… hmm. Well, how bout we just don’t tell B about that handie you’re giving me under the e-table and leave it at that?

Anyhoo, I think this place is kind of great. And if you think so too, and you want to be a part of it… make yourself heard. With time, your voice will develop, and who knows… you might just find the Zach to your Slater out here.

The quandry: We feel terrible. Just horrible. And oh so helpless… if only there was something we could DO for them.

The answer: Ummmm. Did you forget that WE ARE THE INTERNET?!?!!??! And also, Yes We Can!!!

The result: Brandy and your Hot Awesome Dude… this one’s for you. Love, The Internet.

A very, VERY special thanks to everyone who helped me make this possible: Maxie, Ben, Tia, Alexa, Kyla Roma, Sizzle, Rachel, Jessica, Rachael, Katie, EP, Courtney, Tipp, Nicole, Jamie Varon, Laurie, L G, Ashley Marie, Wishcake, Matt, Doniree, Chelsea, Lisa, that short chick, Princess Pointful, Derek, Jess, Marie, Jamie, Jenn, Ashley, Erin, Jessica, Renee, Allie,  Grace, Rachel, Restaurant Refugee, Titania, Brad, Jolee, DC Princess, Patrick, and Deutlich.

***If for some reason I forgot you, let me know and I will fix immediately. I was up way past my bedtime working on this and I am a little LOCO IN THE CABEZA right now…***

Please feel free to repost this video, the information below, or all of the above! We. Are. The Internet!!!!!!!!!

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(A special thanks to Laurie for creating this fund and coming up with the following language!)

Our Plea:

Our friend Brandy is a brilliant writer, a wonderful teacher, and a generous friend.  And she is in love with a man who has just been diagnosed with multiple myeloma.

We are raising money for the Multiple Myeloma Research Fund in his name.  For the price of a cinnamon dolce latte, half-caf, hold the whip, you can be part of an effort to cure a disease that affects approximately 750,000 people worldwide.

http://www.loveharder.org

Every dollar brings us a dollar closer to a cure.  And every donation brings a sliver of hope to a girl who needs all the hope she can get.

Love Harder,

LiLu

What You Can Do:

Give.  Be part of a worldwide effort to cure a disease that affects approximately 750,000 people worldwide.  Every dollar helps.

Pass it on.  Forward this story to five people.  Share this blog post.  Become our fan on Facebook.

Love harder.  Life is short, love is unbending, and no one knows what could happen next.  Tell someone you love them today.

DONATE: http://www.loveharder.org
CONTACT: theloveharderfund@gmail.com
FACEBOOK: http://facebook.loveharder.org
MORE INFO: http://www.themmrf.org

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Mad, mad love, y’all.

UPDATED: Almost forgot! Grab the fabulous badge for the fund by copying and pasting the text in the box below!

<a href="http://loveharder.org" target="_blank"><img src="http://i556.photobucket.com/albums/ss5/Livitluvit/lovehard.jpg" border="0" alt="Love Harder" /></a>

So, apparently, yesterday was National Delurking Day.

See?

I’ve always wanted to do this, and then of course, I missed the deadline.

But then, it just wouldn’t be me if something about it wasn’t slightly *off* about it, now, would it?

So come forth, my invisibles. Show your e-faces! How/why are you here? Tell us a little bit about yourself. Preferably something odd and intriguing. Like you ask your cat theological non-rhetorical questions, or you gave birth to Pauly D (no judgment!).

Or, yanno… just say “hi”.

Either way…

I’d like to meet you.

Please?

*fist pumps*

P.S. Also? I did THIS. It is my baby, and I am in love. Go check it out and tell cavy (me) how pretty it is. No, really… do it!

Is a 20SB Bootleg award.

Or six.

I found out today, and am completely and totally honored that, I’m (for the first time!) a “finalist” nominee for the following 20SB “award” categories…

Funniest Blogger (I’m going to hope this is “with”, not “at”… but we all know the truth)

Best Commenter (cause I heart you twerps)

Least Likely To Be “Marked As Read” (awww, love that!)

Blogger I’d Share A Drink With (I will admit… much like Charlie, I am fun to drink with)

Most Awkward Blogger (no surprise here. Love it.)

And last, but oh-so-NOT-least…

Best. Freaking. Female. BLOGGER!!!!!

ROCK.

So, look, guys. I know this is just a weebit shameless. But, if you do for some reason think that maybe I would be worthy of one (or all- yes, I am totes greedy like that) of these awards I’ve been put up for, please go vote here!

Or just click this...

It would make my day. Or at least my hour. And you could even, like, tweet this, if you wanted to. Who knows… maybe your finger will just slip on that cute little blue “t” icon down there. That’s it… the one right under this post.

Anyhoo, no matter what happens, thank you so much for the nods in the first place… I am truly flattered!

LOVE YOUR FACES.

I want to write a recap. I really, really do.

But honestly… there is just no way I could EVER do this weekend justice. It would be impossible to truly capture. But, for you… I’m going to try.

Use your words…

My favoritest things about this past weekend, a la bullets.

• Maxie admitting she likes 30 Rock.
• All 50 of us bursting into song at Stetson’s. “You say she’s just a friend, but you say she’s just a friend OH BABY YOU!!!!!!!!”
• Actually, all of us bursting into song all weekend long.
• Finally at long last convincing f.B and B to perform “Ebony and Ivory” at karaoke. And by “convincing” I mean “writing their names on the list so they had no choice in the matter”.
• Meeting all the people I’d never groped in person before.
• Stealth-salting everything and everyone in sight.
• Someone shouting “INTERVENTION!!!!!!!!” every 30 seconds.
• Lexa going rampant on people’s heinies all Saturday.
• Much needed brunches and bacon Bloody Marys at Matchbox and Bar Pilar, with a side of laughing so hard it hurt… the entire time.
• Getting awesome and hilarious presents like a pictoral collection of cats wearing wigs, children’s Pooping Instructional books, a penis ice luge, “dirty” Mad Libs, Firefly sweet tea vodka, a pet Snuggie (box altered a la Sharpie to be for a cat instead of dog), a plastic guitar I can drink out of, engraved goblets with our wedding date, some Spanish pornos, an “I Love Jesus” shot glass, some Flava Flav-esque bling, and way, WAY too many vodka and sodas.
• The bartender’s t-shirt at Stetson’s that said “I heart peeing”.
• B treating me like a pretty, pretty princess on my birthday weekend.
• Not vomiting once. (Well, at least not until MONDAY morning… it counts!)
• The sombrero that mysteriously appeared and danced its way over the heads of all #pbandtuna participants.
• Epic dance offs all over the goshdarn place.
• Little lip-liner hearts appearing on people’s chesticles throughout the evening.
• Me going absolutely POSTAL on a strange man who tried to kiss me and pretty much every girl there… and terrifying him to the point that he actually left the bar within about 10 seconds. Do not fuck with me on my special day, Creepy McCreeperson. YOU WILL LOSE.

Our fabulous wedding guests were…

(I hope to Chuck Norris I am not leaving anyone out. PLEASE let me know if I do and I will fix and give you a free dumpster baby or a Tootsie Roll pop or something as reparations.)

12 Minds, A, Alice, anoukange, B, Cavy, Cleveland’s A Plum, Deutlich, dmb5_ libra, DMBosstone, Dysfunction Junction, f.B, flippy, Ginger Mandy, jenniferalaine, JerzeyGrrl, JP, Just A Girl, KassyK, Katertot, Katie Rose, Late- Night Drama Queen, Lemmonex, Lusty Reader, M (Only One Way Down), Malnurtured Snay, Marie, Maxie, Mr. 5280, Pithy Comments, PQ, Rachel Smiles, Restaurant Refugee, Shine Out Loud, Suburban Sweetheart, thebestmichelle, Urban Bohemian,and last but certainly not least, What A Grand World. 

I could not have asked for a better group of people, for reals. And so, as a very special (shameful) treat, I’ve decided to make your ears bleed with a video of the song I serenaded my fiancee with at karaoke on Friday night… there are no words. Please to enjoy.

I’m so ashamed, yet strangely proud… how is that possible?

PB and Tuna is obviously going to be a recurring event. How could we not, after its complete and utter awesome-icity?

Pencil in your calendars, folks. October 23rd, 2010… it’s all going down, AGAIN.

I can’t tell you how many times I looked around at the people surrounding me this weekend and thought, “I am the luckiest person in the whole world.”

And I meant it.

Pictures and videos to come, (coughcough hint to everyone who hasn’t sent me theirs yet) but for right now, I just want to say thanks.

Thanks to everyone who traveled, thanks to B for being a helluva sport, thanks to my lovely wife Maxie for being her awesome self, thanks to everyone who helped keep me sane, thanks to everyone who let someone crash on their couch…

Thanks to everyone for making this weekend so unbelievably perfect that I can’t imagine it being even an iota better than it already was, in any way.

I’ll see you all next year for pbandtuna 2010.

Xoxo,

LiLu

P.S. For risk of leaving someone out, please enter yourself in the Mr. Linky below if you were there on Saturday, so everyone knows how awesome you are for coming out. SMOOCHES!!!

***SCHMOOP ALERT***

Yesterday, I decided to be brave and see just how many blogs I’ve subscribed to in my best friend Google Reader. So I pulled my Big Girl Panties (capitalized per request of Lusty Reader) up and peeked.

1,081.

I have over a THOUSAND of you hanging out in there.

(Everybody wave!. Group picture- say cheeeeeeeeeeeese. Hey- who yelled “war paint“!)

Anytwaddle.

Now, it’s not like I actually read all of those regularly. That would be impossible. Duh.

But if I like your stuff. If I LOVE your stuff. If you’ve said you like mine. If I’m on your blogroll.

In you go.

Yes, I have categories. My absolute best friends. My simply must reads. My most regular commenters. The fashionistas, the mommies, the funnies, the sexies, the foodies (who generally hate to be called foodies), and the hot messes (holla!)

I have a system, and I think it works. I try to pay my respects as often as I can to those who stop by my wee corner. I love seeing what everyone in my network is up to, what they’re thinking about, what they need opinions on. Lord knows I love giving an opinion.

(Fifteen of you just snorted. I HEARD THAT.)

The variety in my readership is absolutely insane, and I adore it. The fact that such a diverse group of people congregate here is both humbling and awesome.

Basically, I love you, man.

(If no one says “totes magotes” in the comments, we’re through.)

I love the angry open letters, the random yet hysterically funny, the omg my kid totally stuck his hand in his diaper and smeared it all over the wall, the classic run on sentence peppered with hilarious “Also?”s, a la Jenny the Bloggess. I love the Honest Scraps, the RANTS, the (creative) memes, and when tough people get mushy on us. I love when someone you’ve been reading forever reaches a huge life milestone and it hits you, you FEEL for them, because you actually know them through their words.

The other day, Maxie and I talked about whether we would retire anytime soon. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again- I really don’t think I’m going anywhere.

Obviously, there’s a selfish aspect to it. I won’t lie- there’s definitely a degree of validation involved. But more than that, it’s the interaction I crave. I post as frequently as I do because I miss you guys on the days I don’t. Lame, perhaps, but true.

So, sure, if no one was out there reading, I would post less. But I wouldn’t quit, because at the end of the day, this place is a chronicle of my twenty something years. I hope to mark all of my own milestones here. And having a record of my crazy ass life that I can look back on, reminisce, and shake my head at myself in 30 years? That, my dear friends, is absolutely priceless.

I’ve been boring you all to tears writing this blog for nearly two years now. Which is, in itself, a great strength of feet.

But what makes it even more amazing, I think, is that I have gotten pretty much zero hate mail. No evil comments. Zip. Zilch. Nada.

I’m kind of insulted, honestly. I mean, I think I’m pretty high up there on the scale of offensivity, no? There are sharts, edible kitten toots, and frozen coochie, for chrissakes! I’ve glorified all things inappropriate via TMI Thursdays; there are very few posts on these pages that would constitute anything resembling “polite dinner conversation”.

And that’s how I like it. And, presumably, so do you.

But come on. People most often stumble onto this corner of the interwebs via searches such as “live” and “love“! Also, yesterday:  “fixing my karma“, and “as seen on TV pickle jar“. (Um, I don’t know, friend, but if you find that jar, send it this way. I’ll put a penny in it every time I get a hate comment and, um… I’ll still be real freaking poor. Penny pickle jar FAIL, internet weirdo!)

I’ve had, maybe, two trolls, in all the time that I’ve been writing. I am disappointed in myself. Clearly, I am not pushing enough boundaries. I guess it’s time to to bust out the dead baby jokes.

(pause)

Okay, I just tried to make a dead baby joke to prove my point, and I couldn’t do it. There are some things even I don’t have the stomach for, apparently.*

I mean, what’s a girl gotta do to get an internet predator around here? Maybe I do such a good job making fun of myself that everyone pities me?! I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY, TROLLS!

(Just your money. Please to make your checks out to LiLu at 6969 Fuck Your Mother Drive, Northwest DC! Don’t forget the Northwest. God forbid, you don’t want that money going to the Capitol.)

Seriously, Madame Karma is totally off her game here. I mean, I spout off at least one post of Le Haterade every fortnight (that’s my 9th grade English at work. You did good, Mrs. Thompkins). Everyone knows you’ve only made it when someone writes you death threats because you told the shite American president where he can stick it. Wait, only me and the Dixie Chicks know that. But you can take our word for it. Well, their word. (They’re a lot richer than me. And everyone knows rich people are the smartest. Just ask Paris…)

No one even takes the time to write me nasty emails! This is the crudest thing I’ve gotten all month:

[redacted] to livitluvit

Hello,
How to make a zit pop early?  I know you are probably very busy but I was hoping you could give me a couple pointers.
A little advice would go a long way right now.  Thank you.
Sincerely, Paul

Honestly, I’m not even mad, Paul… I’m just impressed.

So in short, world, I am sick of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because at this point, I’m pretty sure it’s a steel-toed boot, and I’d really like to get this karmic retribution thing on a payment plan, if possible. Who do I talk to about that? I would have said William Shatner until last week but, well, he BLOCKED THE BLOGGESS on Twitter AND Priceline screwed us over on a car rental. Two strikes you’re out, Shat.

I’m cutthroat like that. Bia.

LiLu OUT!!!

 (Are you offended yet?)

*Okay, maybe just one. We’ll try it out:

What’s the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?

When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off.

Oh, look. I just threw up.

On my boots, of course.

So. I had a positively scrumptious time this weekend in Beantown.

OBVIOUSLY.

And I am A) exhausted from the funsies and B) get to spend the day packing!!! Which, to B, means desperately trying to throw away sort through all of “my junk”.

Communist.

I wish I could put a camera up in the apartment for the day… this shiz ain’t gonna be pretty.

So for yous guyses, this means you get some pretty, pretty highlights. (Don’t worry, they’re the very expensive kind done by a professional gay man- no brassiness here!)

The scene: Dinner with my parents, B, my Lil Sis, and her boyfriend on Friday night. Fun fact: Lil Sis has been aching for a dog for months now, and had planned on getting one when she moves in with her bf in a month.

The highlight:

Mom: So what kind of dog do you want, Lil Sis?

Lil Sis: (As her face falls) We’re not allowed to have one at the new apartment.

Mom: Awwwww, so you’re not getting a puppy?

Lil Sis: No. YOU were the one who told me NOT to!

Mom: Well, no, you shouldn’t. It’s expensive and a lot of responsibility. But… puppy…

Lil Sis: Unbelievable.

LiLu: Oh, come on. It’s just like if your 16 year old daughter gets knocked up! You don’t WANT it to happen… but once the baby’s here, you’re still going to love it!

*crickets*

My poor family.

The scene: Meeting up with Boston’s most fabulous bloggers (and a few other travelers as well) at The Globe Bar for drunkety times. The crew: (if I forgot you, please to forgive, and let me know! It is so very early…) My lovely Julie, brookem, Pilgrim Jill, Hannah, Julie Q, Susan, Emrlds, Alana, A Super Girl, and in some cases, their justly terrified boyfriends, made it the best time any blogger could ask for.

The highlight: Jill Pilgrim double dog daring me to offer Susan’s virginity to a random guy hitting on her for the price of three goats. Which, obviously, I did in approximately 2.5 seconds… at which point we found out it was a friend of hers, and now we had to hang out with him for the rest of the night and be “Those Weird Girls” all evening.

Whatevs. The shoe fits.

Also? All of this happened.

Pretending to be classy. What?

You can’t see that I’m grabbing Jill’s bum.

In a word: FINALLY!!! <3

There is some hate sex in here.

Gawd, I love this woman. ALLLLL of her, apparently…

Tiger hands for Maxie!

Why I oughta…

We bloggers get friendly quick.

The boys entertained themselves just fine…

Sure. I mean, clearly.

Hiccups are a BITCH, yo.

Love you hookers.

Yeah. So. The awesomest of AWESOME. And that is all I have to say about that.

Except get all your asses down to DC so we can do it again soon. LUFF YOU BISHES!!!!!!

The scene: B’s sister getting mawwied!

The highlight: Everything. Jewish weddings are so much more fun! There was breaking of stuff, chairs in the air, a dancing train through the entire room, and incredible view, and a few speeches that even moved my cold dead hooker heart.

A sample from the mother of the groom’s toast:

“When my boys were little, I always changed the descriptions of the princesses in fairytales to say “kind” and “intelligent” instead of “beautiful”. I am so incredibly glad that my son has chosen to share his life with a woman who is kind and intelligent… as well as beautiful.”

*cue heartwrench*

All in all? Best. Weekend. Ever.

And now, we pack…

Sigh.

I remember, a couple years ago now, how afraid I was to even start this blog. A good friend of mine (and my mother, although she doesn’t know that she succeeded…) insisted on it to the point where I didn’t really have a choice.

Of course, I read and admired the blogs of others… but the idea of meeting them? Well, that didn’t even cross my mind at first. Scary with a capital S! I (yes, I) was totally and completely intimidated by the idea. I saw posts about Happy Hours go up, but never dreamed of going.

And then, one day, I emailed one of my favorites, Lemmonex. We wrote back and forth a few times. Then (gasp!) we even gchatted a bit. Finally, we took the plunge… and met for lunch one day.

Over a year later, I honestly can’t imagine my life without her. And the countless other bloggy friends I’ve made that you read about here each and every day. It’s a list that keeps growing, too, and I just fucking love it.

All this blathering is basically my way of saying, come out next Friday. Come to Evolve, a little bar in Adams Morgan (but just off the kids’ main strip- map here), and have a beer or eight with us. The joint’s small enough that you won’t wonder where we are, (which also makes it easier for me to ambush greet you at the door with a big bear hug).

Bring a friend, bring your teddy bear, or just bring your fabulous self. I promise we won’t leave you hanging.

If you’re planning on coming, steal this pic so your people know to come too. The more the merrier, of course.

And please feel free to email me with any comments/questions/offers to buy me drinks: heylivitluvit at gmail dot com.

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Other things that made my Friday fabulous…

My love Briana sent me this video via Facebook yesterday. I was astonished when they came out with “designer” animal print Snuggies, but I think they may have finally gone too far…

At least now I know what the kittens are getting for Christmas! Especially if they keep dousing B in his own urine for my personal amusement.

Next up, I couldn’t help but Twitter this last night, so I’m sorry for the repeat… but oh my god, we saw this on Tosh.0 last night and B and I were literally laughing so hard tears were streaming down our cheeks. Which may or may not have something to do with the fact that he had a cooler o’ booze next to us on the couch, but whatevs. Click to enlarge…

25 to 70?? But NOT 24 or 71… he has standards, clearly. But he’s not gay! Just a little mutual touching among friends. I can’t decide what the bigger enticement is… kicking the trains like monsters, or all the imitation crabmeat I can eat. I told B he should sacrifice himself to go over there and get us some of that delicious surplus of faux crab, but he wasn’t having it. I can’t imagine why…

And finally, my sweet Carolina girl and BFFie Kristin is a much better person than I. She’s heading up here in October to run the Marines Marathon for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, provided she can raise enough money. I asked her to write a little blurb below so you can read her story for yourself, but let me throw me two cents in here and just say I know we’re all broke, I know this economy blows massive chunks, but if you can spare anything, any little bit helps. Plus, free karma! Oh wait… not free… but you know what I mean. Check it out below, or, if I’ve already convinced you, Donate Here!

(And a huge thanks to my friend Big Money Tony for his super generous donation last week. You have karma coming out your ears, my dear!)

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Hola chicas! (and fellas) It’s Kristin here, LiLu’s UNC pee partner in crime (btw, I am not as fugly in real life as I look in those pics). LiLu was kind enough to allow me to post a bit about something I’ve been working on for the past few months in hopes that a few of you may be able to help me out.

This past May I ran my first marathon (yep, it’s 26.2 miles) and once I crossed the finish line I knew I was hooked! (And really, really smelly. Ask M, she was unfortunate enough to have to hug me after that.) So I started looking into which one I should run next, and obvi, I picked the 2009 Marine Corps Marathon so I would have a free place to stay get to hang out with LiLu and B! But I also picked MCM because I could run with the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society’s Team in Training Program.

Team in Training is a group of dedicated volunteer runners who train together for a marathon or an Olympic Distance triathlon. But our bigger mission is to raise funds to help stop leukemia, lymphoma, Hodgkin lymphoma and myeloma from taking more lives.

I’m working to raise over $3,500 for LLS, and I’m almost there! As of Thursday, I only need $888 to reach my goal. Can you help me out? You can donate here quickly, safely and with a sweet shot of good karma for your Friday BONUS, it’s a tax write off! Suhweet.

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Happy weekend, darlins. I better see you out next Friday!!! xo

A few weeks ago, I received a too-good-to-be-true email from a marketing company, and came thisclose to dismissing it as spam (if you’ll recall, I get quite a lot of it).

“Host a free, catered-with-champagne party for 25 of your friends to play with one of Nintendo’s newest toys.”

Um… really? What? There must be some catch, right?

Luckily, I am dumb enough to look a gift horse in the mouth, and for once it actually WAS the real deal. I spent Sunday afternoon in a delightful art gallery with 25 of my favorite lady friends, where we were treated to a spread of hors d’oeuvres better than what you find at most weddings, and endless glasses of a heavenly rosé. The “catch”? Was that we had to play an array of games on the Nintendo DSi (basically a handheld version of the Wii, if you’re as “gamer” illiterate as I am), and give the marketing group feedback on what we thought of it.

Torture, I know.

The gals and I gathered at Logan Tavern for a little Sunday Funday before heading over to the party, and started the day with a bang in a blur of potent Bloody Marys. I knew it was going to be an interesting evening as our number quickly grew to two dozen, and we were suddenly that loud, obnoxious group of girls in the bar, yelling profanities and hooting and hollerin’ up a storm (yes, there was hooting AND hollerin’. Deal with it). As Maxie and I tried on our first gift purchased for us from our wedding registry, she looked at me and said, “I don’t think these marketing people have any idea what they’re in for with us.”

“Well, that’s pretty much always the case, wherever we go,” I agreed. “At least they won’t be bored…”

The clock struck 2:58 and we marched over to the art gallery and descended upon the group of nicest girls I have ever had the pleasure of being wooed by in a marketing manner. (Read: they laughed at our jokes.) In the middle of the room was a chalkboard with the phrase, “We love LiLu because…” written at the top. Here’s what it looked like by the time we were through with it.

The hosts asked to take a picture of me next to it, and in the blink of an eye I was posing in a manner my grandmother would not have approved of.

I decided to let the girls know just what they were in for and turned to them somberly…

“Look,” I said. “We can act all nice and appropriate if you want. I mean, I think we know how to do that… if necessary. But frankly, that’s just not us. We drink, we swear… we hump things.”

The marketing ladies laughed, told us, “Absolutely not, we want you to completely be yourselves. It’s hilarious!” and continued to egg us on shamelessly for the rest of the afternoon.

After making sure we were fed and holding libations (clearly they know the way to our hearts), the games commenced. Threats were hurled as Puzzler word search competitions became passionate. Mario Karters almost lost a few glasses of champagne in races of fury. Brain Age denounced nearly all of us to be around the age of retirement. Birds pooped on my avatar’s head when I failed to keep rhythm correctly in Rhythm Heaven.

And then we discovered the cameras.

The DSi not only has email and internet capabilities, it also has TWO enormous cameras, one inside and one outside… AND a photo editor in which you can basically do anything to a picture that Fotoflexer can do.  Look how sweet…

One function uses facial recognition to determine “how related” two people are, so Maxie and I wasted no time in finding out if our babies would be speshul or not… (FYI, this is a Blackberry picture OF the picture, and not indicative of the quality…)

Fortunately, we were cleared with only a 1% related rate! I stopped taking my birth control this morning.

(Just kidding, B.)

The DSi is tiny and sleek and very purse-fittable, though I am perhaps biased because mine was sent to me before the party… and it was BEDAZZLED. I shit you not:

When we couldn’t stuff ourselves any fuller of cheese puffs and champagne, we took a group shot of the gang and got ready to leave…

Want to know who’s who? I ain’t telling… but here are the bloggy mcbloggersons who were in attendance:

Alice’s Wonderland

DC Princess

Deutlich

Flip Flops in Rain

Jerzey Grrl

Katie

Kim

LA Cochran

Lemon Gloria

Lexiloo

Liebchen

Lisa, the Travel Diva

Marie’s Blog Cafe (read her recap here)

Maxie

Pithy Comments

As we prepared to go, the lovely ladies surprised each of my guests with a brand spankin new DSi of their very own, with a copy of BrainAge to get started.

BOO YAH!

If only every Sunday afternoon could be this glorious… sigh.

Though it took me months to get my act together, I am, as of Monday morning, officially moving to Wordpress! Thank the baby jeebus… Blogger, you will NOT be missed.

Anyhoosits, while my url will still be http://livitluvit.com, the one problem is that if you subscribe to my posts via Google Reader or whatever, they ain’t going to show up no more.

So let’s fix that, here and now.

Use this to subscribe to my NEW home via your favorite reader…

Or, if you want, you can just subscribe by email and have my shiz hand-delivered to your inbox. Crazy talk, I know!

DO IT TO IT! (I very excite.)

Now have yourselves a merry little 4th o’ July, and go blow some shit up!

As I expressed last Friday, I am extremely grateful for and humbled by all the lovey love you guys have shown me lately. Consequently, I feel like it’s time I gave a little sumin’ sumin’ back. That’s how blog sex favors work, right?

What?

Anyhoosits… a few months ago, I wrote a tribute to some of the funniest posts on the block. Because my heart is in need of a little warming today, I’m going to do something similar… but with posts that have somehow touched me, that were heartfelt, that were clearly difficult to write… but the authors were brave enough to put them out there and share them with us anyway.

So, I hope you likey… I sure did.

My darling Floreta writes a letter to her hypothetical child…

“Take heed, I will let you walk, and I will let you fall. I will let you stumble, then try again. Dear Child, I am terrified of having you and raising you. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it is to do things that scare you. Fear is good motivation, but so is love. Together, it is unstoppable. Remember this.”

My favorite poker player, Kali, ponders Cruel Intentions…

“…you know the saying ‘Always Leave Things Better Than You Found Them’? I like to think that goes for people too. So stop playing mindgames. Stop chipping away at people’s self-confidence to make them more manageable. Stop making people second-guess themselves. If you’re with someone and you like them, tell them. Sure it’ll be scary (and this is such a clichéd phrase), but life IS short.”

A newbie to me, but one I’ll definitely visit again… DC Femella wants to know Why Do We Label Each Other?

“Before you start labeling people, and thinking that they are this or that label, think about the reasons you are really doing this. We constantly label people in a negative light due to difference of opinion due to religion, political view, sexual preference, parenting method, etc., but why? Is it to make yourself feel better? And/or feel like they are not like you?”

I’m going to let Chelsea Talks Smack’s title speak for itself: “Trusting is like not knowing how to swim and letting someone DUNK YOU ANYWAY.“

“Whether it’s the beginning of a relationship, or twenty years into one you have to practice that act of pure belief in their words. … Then, how after that “first thing” the first fib, first omission, first lie, first fabrication do you get back to that space when you aren’t terrified of the bottom dropping out?? It’s like handing your sleeping baby over to a person walking a tight rope and saying, “just don’t drop them.” This time, I’m the person, my heart’s the baby and he’s the wire walker.”

Another newbie to me, and damn am I glad this is the first post I read from her. justatitch frankly, yet respectfully, discusses the demise of her young marriage.

“Divorce rips your heart out. Divorce hurts in a way like nothing else. The thing is that it’s not just the end of a relationship; the loss of companionship. It’s the death of being an “us”. The death of hopes and dreams. It’s being estranged from a circle of friends while everyone figures out their “side.” It’s the small stupid things: no more Christmas traditions or having someone to call who knows exactly what you want on your salad and someone to kiss goodnight. And I don’t regret divorcing him. It was, in many ways, the best decision I ever made. It saved me. It saved me from being dead inside.”

Thanks for these, my dears. Thanks for trusting us to listen, support, and not judge.

And I’ll return the schmoop… I promise. (Oooo, look! Foreshadowing!) *wink*

(Yeah, I can say that. I went to Brandeis for a year, so I’m basically an honorary Jew.)

Since I’ve started experimenting with blogger layouts (like the one you’re looking at and my dear friend Fearless‘) I’ve thought a lot about what makes a blog more attractive. And I’m not talking high heels and a short skirt- too obvious. I mean the big and little things that make us happy we stumbled onto a page, and even happier to stay. The aesthetics, if you will.

Now, obviously content is, ultimately, the most important thing. It doesn’t matter how pretty your corner of the innerwebs is if your writing is uninteresting and/or unrelatable. But all too frequently, I will trip over a blog that I might have liked, that I might have added to my reader… if only I could freaking stand to READ it.

So after thinking for a while about WHICH things drive me batty, personally, here’s what I came up with… (again, we’re thinking presentation, not content here, darlings).

• If your text is unreadable on the background. We’re all doing this for free (or for 13 cents a day from Google ads). I ain’t gonna kill myself to read it, dear.
• If I click on your profile and there are 9 blogs listed as “yours”. I don’t want to play multiple choice, I just want to pay my respects (if you commented here) and see what you’re up to.
• Blatantly asking me to pimp you out. Dude, that’s just not common courtesy.
• Itty-bitty teeny weeny text, and please to put spaces between your paragraphs. We’re getting old, and I read a LOT of shiz on this monitor… Make it easy, please and thank you.
• MUSIC THAT PLAYS AUTOMATICALLY. This not only scares the bejeezus out of me, it would get me strange looks at work if I ever left my sound on. The office is awkward enough as it is. If I care to explore your musical taste, I will click ‘play’.
• Flashing or, god forbid, POP UP advertisements. Honestly, you could not scare me away any faster.
• People who never, ever, EVER respond to a single comment… (or at least visit a regular commenter’s blog to say hey). I realize I might be a little ridiculous in responding to every single one, but I can’t help it. If you take enough time to read my drivel and leave your two cents, the least I can do is respond to you, or head over to your corner and see what you’re up to. As Nicopolitan was kind enough to say in a 20SB Blogger discussion, I try really, really hard to make sure this place is a two-way conversation, and that you all know how much I value and appreciate you taking the time to visit.

Phew! So that’s MY beef, y’all. After getting all that out, I was curious what you all thought, too… So I took it to the streets, aka the Tweet and the Facebook. This is very important research, peoples!

The Question: What are your biggest blog pet peeves that keep you from reading? I.e. font, colorings, strange odors, etc.

(Ed. note: These are somewhat paraphrased for brevity, but I believe I kept your points intact.)

On the Gchat:

Caviandra: Maxie and I were talking about this the other day- unreadable fonts! Oh, and run on sentences. And lots of LOLZ and “!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” (Amen. Lolz!)

Lemmonex: hmm… useless comments. and shitty layout, or if it’s complex and there’s too much going on. give me something to focus on. you dont need 7 fonts. (Useless comments are so hard to respond to, too. Blah.)

From the Twatter:

tracyneproski: @ LivitLuvit: I hate it when people use “u” “r” “2″ etc. in place of words (but only when they do it un-ironically) (Agreed! Ironically is TOTALLY fine, though, of course.)

loveshan: @LivitLuvit: when people complain about losing followers, begging for comments, etc. i feel like blogging should be about creating bonds, not raising numbers (Absolutely. We all peek at our stats, etc… but don’t TALK about it. Tacky much?)

kolys: @LivitLuvit: Bad spelling/grammar is the one thing which will keep me from reading a blog post. I can deal with anything else. (I don’t mind a simple “your” and “you’re” mix up, but if I have to figure out what you’re (ha!) trying to say, forget it.)

thienkim: @LivitLuvit: my blog pet peeve is music that plays automatically. thank goodness for my google reader (This drives me INSANE. And scares the crapouttame.)

gingermandy: @LivitLuvit: my BIGGEST pet peeve is when people only put partial posts in their feed. and when their text isn’t on a solid background. (I’m sorry, I’m sorry! No partial posts again, I promise!)

whateverkaty: @LivitLuvit: Music playing automatically! But I keep my speakers off to combat that problem. (Me too- at work. But at home? Gets me every time. Gah!)

courtincolorado: @LivitLuvit: really long posts…i have a short attention span (Don’t we all… we are Gen-X and Yers, after all.)

makarlin: @LivitLuvit: I stopped reading one because it would play Daft Punk when it opened. Oh dear god was it annoying. (I don’t know what that is, and I don’t think I want to.)

emvandee: @LivitLuvit: Spelling errors. Grammatical errors, to a lesser extent. But I’ll give up if the spelling is generally abhorrent. (I love the word abhorrent. And YES.)

teasingdiverse: @LivitLuvit: music that automatically plays that you CAN’T turn off. Lots of flashing, blinking lights. It’s a blog, not Vegas! (ESPECIALLY ADS that do this! So offensive.)

whatagrandworld: @LivitLuvit: Really, excessively long posts that are more ramblings then anything else. That and stupid colors that make it unreadable. (“Stupid colors” – I love it.)

violetsworld: @livitluvit: strange odors for sure but bad grammar makes it 1st on the list (You love my odor. Admit it.)

aritzagoddess: @LivitLuvit: no pictures ! I love pictures, plus I’m kinda lazy to read a whole paragraph without any visual aid. (Duly noted.)

babykaycee: @LivitLuvit: Neon colored text, walls of text, lack of pictures = no read. (Neon should not happen… ever.)

From the Book:

WickedCourtni: Blog snobs: Bloggers who think that they are too good to comment to your comment, but comment on their blog clique minions all around your comment. (That would hurt my heart. This happens?)

Organic Meatbag: I echo Courtni’s sentiments…oh, and any blog that talks about Jesus in every fucking post… but then again, bloggers that are bible thumpers usually don’t visit mine… (Mine either, dear!)

ClaireMontgomeryMD: if every post is LONG, font, color, layout, BORING, bloggers who are obviously trying to get hits and followers or be the next ‘big thing’ . . . shall i go on? i’m as picky over the blogs i read (or don’t) as the men i date (or don’t) strange odors do not bother me though – especially on your blog. (I knew it. It’s “Poop” by Calvin Klein.)

PQ: What Courtni said. (She’s a smart cookie.)

and for our grand finale…

verybadcat: my pet peeves are few- truncated posts in RSS (which my own husband does despite my heated protests), hard to read font, page is too busy. other than that, i would say you’re looking at it backwards. i read who i read because i’m drawn to read. you’re a great example. how could i *not* read you? you’re effin hilarious.
there’s the comment issue too. i don’t read the big guys anymore. my time is limited, and i would rather read someone who reads me, who i’m actually *interacting* with a little, as opposed to lining up to be the 500th comment on a post. (I love you.)

So take heed, my lovelies. I think this is a pretty comprehensive guide to all things that make your interwebby peers run screaming from a blog, for your consideration.

I’ll take my public servant medal now.

(Oh, this was just me bitching? Well, I’ll take a goddamn medal for that too, thankyouverymuch.)

See you all tomorrow for TMI Thursday!

People, this day will go down in history. Get out the red pen, and put a little heart on your calendars.

For THIS is the day that my BFeffinF Maxie has created a masterpiece that will define the year 2009 in every history book for the rest of time.

(At least in the blogging world.)

And we all know, that’s saying something.

<————— Huge Dork Anyhoosits, perhaps you have heard of a little overplayed yet undeniably catchy and awesome song called "Pokerface", by one legendary yet herpalicious force known as Lady Gaga? No? Let me enlighten you…

Okay, got that?

Well NOW, I give you the new anthem of the blogging world… just one more stepping stone on Maxie’s and my way to the Colberts, the Ellens, the Perezes and the SNLs of the world…

“BLOGGER FACE”

(Original youtube link here. Please to spread it around the blogo/tweeto/interverse, thankyouverymuch. Spread it like the herp on steroids. The people deserve to know.)

People, she wrote, directed and produced that video, if you can believe it. Maxie, my darling… you are a musical GENIUS. All I can say is, I am honored to know you…

And I can’t wait to drop our rap video on these peeps in a few weeks. Isn’t that right, Cavy? *wink*

It’s going to be the whitest thing of hilarity to ever hit the interwebs.

In other words… AWESOME SAUCE.

UPDATE: CLICK HERE FOR THE LYRICS!!!

Lately, as you may have noticed, some of the most dynamite peoples in the blogosphere are disappearing on us. My darling Lemmonex is taking a break, but at least she knows I will break her knees if she doesn’t come back to us eventually, in one format or another. Next thing I knew, rs27, Racquel Valencia and Gina Clover got all existential on us, and said they may or may not reappear to the blogging scene again. (All three have since posted again, however, which is promising… I would miss them so.)

And I DO understand the value of retiring something you aren’t feeling- I’m not coming down on anyone at all, just lamenting the loss of some of my favorite peoples. Let’s be clear on that.

All the same… is there a bug going around? A blog-boredom bug? Have our attention spans gotten so short we can’t even focus on our five paragraph blurbs anymore… is the Tweet taking over?

B chatted me yesterday and said something along the lines of, “Your blog people are dropping like flies, huh?”

I knew what he was really asking was, “Are you?”

And the answer is, No. Absolutely not. Not even for a second.

I keep waiting for the burn-out to set in, but it just doesn’t. In life? Sure, there are days I want to curl into the fetal position for 72 hours and watch Always Sunny and drink boxed wine until the world sets itself right again. (See: my plans for this weekend.)

But as far as this place goes… my little corner of the interwebs… it’s cozy. It’s cathartic. It’s home.

I’ve been really lucky, I suppose- trolls are minimal, my hilarious boyfriend, strange neighborhood and crazy ass friends (elephant shoe!) give me endless fodder (it has nothing to do with how weird and dorky I am! NOTHING!)… and I have the best freaking readers in the world.

So yeah, I’ll be sticking around for a while. I hope that’s okay with you.

And here’s a parting gift for being so. Goddamn. AWESOME SAUCE:

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

In other news, I am twelve.

God, I love you guys. Happy weekend, y’all!