So, last night B and I are deep into our newest television fling, Rescue Me…

Love these boys.

…and the firemen are sitting around having an old-fashioned “We are men! Measure my penis!” shoot-the-shit kinda conversation, when one of them says this:

“That’s the thing with older vs. younger women. Older women are more skilled, but they’ve done it so many times, it’s mechanical for them. Younger women may come up short in the talent department, but they’re so eager to please.”

*contemplative pause*

Another fireman responds:

“If only there was a way to combine the two, to find a happy medium.”

First fireman:

“Oh, there is… 26, my friends. 26? Is the sweet spot.”

At which point I looked over to B, and yell

“HEYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”

because whoa!, I am 26, so that’s pretty awesome, right? Lucky man!

And my darling dear, he eyes me carefully, and he says…

“So, how many months you got left?”


P.S. Obviously this is a rather ridiculous notion. I just thought it was awesome because they said 26 and hey, it’s kind of an obscure age. We don’t get much else.

Also, excuse to post a picture of hot firemen? Yes and also please.






Yes, this is an ad. Mama is poor, yo:

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Mama said share.

…was, undoubtedly, the “Jersey Shore Drinking Game”.

Let me ‘splain.

Perhaps you’ve been living under a rock and don’t know about MTV’s newest reality television abomination. I’ll forgive you if you’ve been too busy watching Always Sunny, as they are on at the same time, but believe me when I say that you MUST find a way to watch this absolute trainwreck of bright orange, over-gelled…

Well, honestly, I can’t even describe it. Let me just show you…

Apologies for the ad at the beginning… but it’s worth it.

Okay. So, all of us fabulous people are hanging out at the Holiday Happy Hour last Friday (unbelievably fabulous time, FYI- thanks so much to everyone for coming out!!!), when suddenly, the two magic words that can bring any group of people together instantaneously are mentioned…

JERSEY. SHORE.

Within seconds, we’re swapping our favorite most vomit-inducing moments, arguing over who’s the worst person in the house, and ribbing on brad for even BEING from Jersey. The shame.

And then, it happened. The magical words fell from Patrick’s mouth, one by one…

“We should create a Jersey Shore drinking game!”

Lightbulbs LIT-RALLY appeared over each one of our heads, and the insanity commenced as we all started yelling over one another. Out of the plethora of ideas, we eventually settled on this very thoughtful and decidedly offensive-but-still-less-offensive-than-the-show-itself list.

I give you…

The “Jersey Shore” Drinking Game

While watching the show, you must DRINK when…

1.  Any time one of them says OR does a “fist pump”

2.  Any time a girl proclaims her pride for being a true “guidette”

3.  Whenever Mike refers to himself as “The Situation”

4.  Any time a guy slathers 25% of a bottle of gel on his head

5.  Whenever the utter importance of “PROTEIN” is mentioned, or a protein shake is consumed

6.  Any time someone brags about their spray tan, goes spray tanning, or just looks so orange that you are forced to look away from the television

7.  Anytime Sammi talks about how sweet she is, or refers to herself as “Sammi Sweetheart”

8.  Whenever someone refers to cheating on a significant other back home

9.  Any time someone in the house accidentally calls Snookie “Snickers”

10. Any time Ronnie uses the phrase “pound out” in reference to a woman

11. Any time Mike expresses insane jealousy over the fact that Ronnie is pounding out Sammi instead of him

12. Any time someone gets in the jacuzzi naked

Oh, man… I cannot WAIT for Thursday.

Update: Oh. Em. GEE.

I just found this, and HAD to add it…

You are WELCOME.

Mama said share.

Hey, you! Are you near Beantown? (And by near, I mean within 8 hours driving distance… don’t even front like we ain’t worth it.)

Come grab a drink with me(!), Julie, Pilgrim Jill, Hannah, Hope, Julie Q, Susan, Emrlds, brookem, Kristen, and Very Real Jesus tonight! Just shoot me an email at heylivitluvit at gmail dot com, or twatter at me to find out where.

‘Twat?

Snarf.

I am moistinthepants already, just thinking about it…

Now on with the show! (Read all the past Shizzes here.)

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As I’ve been without a debit card recently, I recently paid B back for half of our new apartment’s security deposit with a stack of crisp twenty spots. Which he left next to the couch, and so they inevitably became Murray’s newest plaything…

Me: What are you doing, Murray? Gonna go buy some new nuts?

B: Don’t talk about his nuts yet!! It’s too soon!

This isn’t so surprising, as we’ve already established B has an illogical degree of concern for the well being of Murray’s balls-that-are-no-longer.

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This is sort of embarrassing, but, um… I kind of enjoy the show 2 1/2 Men. I’m sorry… it’s funny!!! Also, despite being a total d-bag, Charlie Sheen is totally bangable. And that kid is adorbs. Anyhoo, B feels differently. STRONGLY. And never misses an opportunity to remind me of it.

Me: I’m going to get you 2 1/2 Men on DVD for your birthday.

B: At least now we know how this relationship is going to end.

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Our cats are weird. No one denies this. After all, they fart down my throat while I’m sleeping, insist on pooping with me, and turn B’s own pee on him. Nevertheless, I still find this odd…

B: Um, Axe Murderer‘s purr sounds like a wet fart sputtering through her noise.

Me: I concur.

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Also? We also say “I concur” after basically every ridiculous opinion stated. WITH FERVOR. Example:

B: I am the greatest frozen-pizza-seasoner IN THE WORLD. Do you concur!?!

Me: (In a weirdly sexual manner, cause damn, pizza is HOT. See what I did there? Shutting up now…) Oh, I concur!!! Rawwwr.

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Also? I got you this. It’s B’s version of “Tiger Hands,” aka FULL OF WIN. Go check out all the Tiger Week (fuck sharks!) entries at Maxie and Jenn’s places!

Happy weekend, bishes! If you’re in Bahstun, come say hi…

P.S. Whether you love or hate TMI Thursdays, I think we’ll all find this editorial piece by the Martini Queen pretty hilarious…

Mama said share.