Livit, Luvit » bangin’

I AM The Sweet Spot. What?

LiLu — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 12:51:39 +0000

So, last night B and I are deep into our newest television fling, Rescue Me…

Love these boys.

…and the firemen are sitting around having an old-fashioned “We are men! Measure my penis!” shoot-the-shit kinda conversation, when one of them says this:

“That’s the thing with older vs. younger women. Older women are more skilled, but they’ve done it so many times, it’s mechanical for them. Younger women may come up short in the talent department, but they’re so eager to please.”

*contemplative pause*

Another fireman responds:

“If only there was a way to combine the two, to find a happy medium.”

First fireman:

“Oh, there is… 26, my friends. 26? Is the sweet spot.”

At which point I looked over to B, and yell

“HEYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”

because whoa!, I am 26, so that’s pretty awesome, right? Lucky man!

And my darling dear, he eyes me carefully, and he says…

“So, how many months you got left?”

P.S. Obviously this is a rather ridiculous notion. I just thought it was awesome because they said 26 and hey, it’s kind of an obscure age. We don’t get much else.

Also, excuse to post a picture of hot firemen? Yes and also please.

The Most Magical Thing to Come Out of the Holiday Happy Hour…

LiLu — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 13:58:41 +0000

…was, undoubtedly, the “Jersey Shore Drinking Game”.

Let me ’splain.

Perhaps you’ve been living under a rock and don’t know about MTV’s newest reality television abomination. I’ll forgive you if you’ve been too busy watching Always Sunny, as they are on at the same time, but believe me when I say that you MUST find a way to watch this absolute trainwreck of bright orange, over-gelled…

Well, honestly, I can’t even describe it. Let me just show you…

Apologies for the ad at the beginning… but it’s worth it.

Okay. So, all of us fabulous people are hanging out at the Holiday Happy Hour last Friday (unbelievably fabulous time, FYI- thanks so much to everyone for coming out!!!), when suddenly, the two magic words that can bring any group of people together instantaneously are mentioned…

JERSEY. SHORE.

Within seconds, we’re swapping our favorite most vomit-inducing moments, arguing over who’s the worst person in the house, and ribbing on brad for even BEING from Jersey. The shame.

And then, it happened. The magical words fell from Patrick’s mouth, one by one…

“We should create a Jersey Shore drinking game!”

Lightbulbs LIT-RALLY appeared over each one of our heads, and the insanity commenced as we all started yelling over one another. Out of the plethora of ideas, we eventually settled on this very thoughtful and decidedly offensive-but-still-less-offensive-than-the-show-itself list.

I give you…

The “Jersey Shore” Drinking Game

While watching the show, you must DRINK when…

1. Any time one of them says OR does a “fist pump”

2. Any time a girl proclaims her pride for being a true “guidette”

3. Whenever Mike refers to himself as “The Situation”

4. Any time a guy slathers 25% of a bottle of gel on his head

5. Whenever the utter importance of “PROTEIN” is mentioned, or a protein shake is consumed

6. Any time someone brags about their spray tan, goes spray tanning, or just looks so orange that you are forced to look away from the television

7. Anytime Sammi talks about how sweet she is, or refers to herself as “Sammi Sweetheart”

8. Whenever someone refers to cheating on a significant other back home

9. Any time someone in the house accidentally calls Snookie “Snickers”

10. Any time Ronnie uses the phrase “pound out” in reference to a woman

11. Any time Mike expresses insane jealousy over the fact that Ronnie is pounding out Sammi instead of him

12. Any time someone gets in the jacuzzi naked

Oh, man… I cannot WAIT for Thursday.

Update: Oh. Em. GEE.

I just found this, and HAD to add it…

You are WELCOME.

TMI Thursday: Joaquin Phoenix and I Once Had Much in Common

LiLu — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 12:24:18 +0000

(***Pssst, hey… have you updated my feed in your reader yet?***)

***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

Steal this button and put it in your post just by copying and pasting the html code in the box below, or just link back to the hub with this link, so your readers can read ALLLLLLL the TMI glory, and I’ll make sure to link to you.***

Now get ready, my darlings, for the ever popular, yet gravely feared, TMI THURSDAYS…

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MOM. DO NOT READ THIS. IF YOU DO, IT IS ON YOU. (Love you!)

Last week was a little (holyfuckinghell) gross, so let’s take it down a notch this week. And bring it back to my own personal humiliations… everybody on board?

Yeah. I thought so.

Anyhoo, when I was a wee newly-deflowered lass of 17, I was all proud of myself that I’d figured out how this whole “P in the V” thing worked, and that it could even be fun! So, for what was probably the 7 month anniversary of the first time the boyfriend got some side boob action or something (yay high school), I saved up all my monies from my hosting gig at a TGIFriday’s, and headed to the mall.

Scared to death, my Nervous Nellie self made my way to the mecca of all things every teenage girl had been taught by the social media to be “sexy”… Victoria’s Secret.

No sooner had I dipped a toe inside than I was bombarded with all things lacey, strappy, and… absolutely terrifying. A tidal wave of vanilla coconut cinnamon musk slapped me in the face, and I doubled over coughing as an enormous sales woman grabbed me and barked out what sounded like an “offer” of assistance. I desperately tried not to stare at the cockroach-esque mole looming over her left eye while I meekly uttered something about my anniversary.

“WHAT SIZE ARE YOU!” she spit at me- literally- while fondling my mosquito bites- I mean, budding bosoms.

The hair sprouting out of her eye mole was starting to wave at me, so I threw her 50 dollars cash for the first teddy she showed me and ran for the life of my tiny little breasts.

That night, I headed over to the boyfriend’s, giddy with my scandalous surprise in tow. Late as we got ready for bed, I slipped into the bathroom and- after a straight 20 minutes of work- managed to get said contraption on in what seemed like a reasonable fashion.

Proud as a peacock who’d just learned how to wear sexy lingerie, I opened the door and twirled into his room, ready to be revered as the Amazingest Girlfriend EVAR.

He looked. He half-smiled. And then he kind of grimaced, and looked at me with a twinge of pity in his eye.

Hmm. Not what I was going for.

“LiLu,” he said kindly, clearly on awkward ground… “I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something.”

“Uh, sure,” I answered cautiously, thinking to myself, Oh, great, now I have the hiv. This is REALLY going to mess up my junior prom.

”It’s just… well.. have you ever thought about…”

Wait for it…

“…trimming?”

Thud.

You see, as a young girl with only the reference point of “Debbie Does Dallas” for instruction in the ways of housekeeping in the vaginal area, I had a little something like this going on downstairs:

Oh, Joaquin, your music career’s never going to take off with that image. (Right… THAT’S what’s stopping you in your hip-hop endeavor.)

Anyhoosits, I was of course entirely humiliated and wasted no time hacking the beaver’s dam off. (Gettit?) A shitty way to get there, but ultimately? Full of win.

Other awesomely bad TMI Thursdays…

Jill Pilgrim on mylittlebecky’s “Jill Pilgrim Will Grab Your Penis, And Other Truths About Life.” (tmit) by jill! eeee!

Living Wicked’s TMIThursday: Choose Your Own Adventure: Poo-ban Legend

Kylie’s My Very First TMI Thursday!

the iNDefatigable mjenks’ TMI Thursday: I Can Feel It, Coming in the Air at Night. Oh No.

*PinkNic*’s TMI Thursday: Who Let the Cows Out?

Stephanie’s TMI Thursday: Green Eggs and Ham? I don’t think so!

ikss’ i think the honeymoon is over

The Love Goddess’ TMI THURSDAYS: BUTT LOVE (NSFW)

Vittoria’s TMI Thursday: the Costa Rican Chronicles

Just A Girl’s TMI Thursday: The Time I DIDN’T Poop

The Demigoddess’ TMI Thursdays: Why Pubic Hair is Evil and My Awesomely Scandalous SMS Ringtone

Taylor’s TMI Thursday: I’m Still A Lady

BigSis’ TMI Thursday: The Grand Canyon, huh?

Witchypoo on Kelley’s Guest Biatch: Witchypoo – Arseholey Naming Conventions

Spleen’s TMI Thursday: I fell asleep while writing. And then sold the notes.

Mb’s “This shit’s so crazy, I couldn’t even make it up.”

Maxie’s TMI Thursday: This is too horrible for a title <— WARNING: WORST TMIT EVER. LIKE, OFFICIALLY AND SHIT.

Sean’s TMI Thursday: Back to Basics

GingerMandy’s TMI Thursday: I am not a hooker.

justjp’s Never trust a sheep farmer

Lil’ Woman’s She Knows Me To Well…

ClaireMontgomeryMD’s tmi thursday: asked and answered

shine’s TMI Thursday – Gas Pump Fail

Jimmy’s A Roll Of The Dice

Floreta’s TMI Thursday: Vlog Edition

Zan’s A TMI Thursday Two-fer

EricaNicole’s TMI Thursday: Party hearty girl!

shine’s TMI Thursday – In which I accidentally walked in on a donkey show.

Ms. Terri’s My First “TMI” Thursday Post, aka Even the “curable” ones are never really *gone*

Jill Pilgrim’s Its A TMIT Treasure Hunt, A Very Awkward Treasure Hunt

Jeney’s TMI Thursday – Exposing Myself

Lucy’s POSSESSED! That’s my Defense!!!

bing’s TMI Thursday: Marilyn’s golden shower

verybadcat’s TMI Thursday: Don’t Stand So Close To Me

jeluttrull’s TMI Thursday: Vaginal Cream Works for Anything…

Hillbilly Princess’ TMI Thursday–Something To Be Proud Of

And a lovely TMI quote from The Maiden Metallurgist, who is letting me publish this against her will because all things TMIT-y make her squeamish:

“There is absolutely no way that you can tell a group of old-man steel workers that you have to stop what you are all doing RIGHT NOW, right this second so you can run and change your tampon.”

So very, VERY true.

The Shiz My Boyfriend Says, Volume XIII

LiLu — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 11:00:47 +0000

Hey, you! Are you near Beantown? (And by near, I mean within 8 hours driving distance… don’t even front like we ain’t worth it.)

Come grab a drink with me(!), Julie, Pilgrim Jill, Hannah, Hope, Julie Q, Susan, Emrlds, brookem, Kristen, and Very Real Jesus tonight! Just shoot me an email at heylivitluvit at gmail dot com, or twatter at me to find out where.

‘Twat?

Snarf.

I am moistinthepants already, just thinking about it…

Now on with the show! (Read all the past Shizzes here.)

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As I’ve been without a debit card recently, I recently paid B back for half of our new apartment’s security deposit with a stack of crisp twenty spots. Which he left next to the couch, and so they inevitably became Murray’s newest plaything…

Me: What are you doing, Murray? Gonna go buy some new nuts?

B: Don’t talk about his nuts yet!! It’s too soon!

This isn’t so surprising, as we’ve already established B has an illogical degree of concern for the well being of Murray’s balls-that-are-no-longer.

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This is sort of embarrassing, but, um… I kind of enjoy the show 2 1/2 Men. I’m sorry… it’s funny!!! Also, despite being a total d-bag, Charlie Sheen is totally bangable. And that kid is adorbs. Anyhoo, B feels differently. STRONGLY. And never misses an opportunity to remind me of it.

Me: I’m going to get you 2 1/2 Men on DVD for your birthday.

B: At least now we know how this relationship is going to end.

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Our cats are weird. No one denies this. After all, they fart down my throat while I’m sleeping, insist on pooping with me, and turn B’s own pee on him. Nevertheless, I still find this odd…

B: Um, Axe Murderer’s purr sounds like a wet fart sputtering through her noise.

Me: I concur.

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Also? We also say “I concur” after basically every ridiculous opinion stated. WITH FERVOR. Example:

B: I am the greatest frozen-pizza-seasoner IN THE WORLD. Do you concur!?!

Me: (In a weirdly sexual manner, cause damn, pizza is HOT. See what I did there? Shutting up now…) Oh, I concur!!! Rawwwr.

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Also? I got you this. It’s B’s version of “Tiger Hands,” aka FULL OF WIN. Go check out all the Tiger Week (fuck sharks!) entries at Maxie and Jenn’s places!

Happy weekend, bishes! If you’re in Bahstun, come say hi…

P.S. Whether you love or hate TMI Thursdays, I think we’ll all find this editorial piece by the Martini Queen pretty hilarious…