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While re-watching “The Walking Dead” last weekend… (which, if you haven’t seen yet, you should remedy immediately. Just sayin.)

B: Just so you know, I would *totally* put you down if a zombie bit you. You know, before you turn.

Me: What?!?

B: Yes. It’s the humane thing to do. Don’t you think about what you’ll do when the zombie apocalypse comes? You wouldn’t put ME down?

Me: No! I don’t think I could do it.

B: That’s very irresponsible of you.

Me: *considering* Well, what if I was a vampire?

B: No, I would not put you down if you were a vampire.

Me: That’s something, at least.

B: It’s not the same! Vampires are awesome.

Me: So you wouldn’t care if I tried to turn you?

B: No, I would open my neck and be all GET THAT SHIT, because it’s bad ass.

Me: Okayyy, I get it. I mean zombies are all mehhhhhh whereas vampires are all insanely cool and, yanno, functional.

B: Exactly.

Me: Hmmm. Okay.

B: Now if you go wolfman, that’s a different story.

Me: What?!

B: Yeah. I mean, I wouldn’t KILL you… but I’d chain you up for a few moons, wait to see how that plays out. You know, in case it’s horrible, like when you’re on your period.

Me: ….

B: But hopefully it WOULDN’T be like a period, and it’d be great. And I’d be all “wolfman me, baby!!” Cause let’s face it, Wolfmanning is a little below Vampire, but still way above Zombie.

Please tell me we’re not the only ones who discuss the hierarchy of monsters over dinner.

Mama said share.

Clicky clicky.

Mama said share.

You all know this game by now. Time for another installment of “The Shiz My Boyfriend Says“…

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B has Axe Murderer in his arms…

B: Hey, do you think we should change her name from Axe Murderer to Ms Kitty Galore?! (to Axe Murderer, who has her crazy “I will slit your throat” eye-saucers going full steam) Whaddya say?? Are you a Miss Kitty Galore? We’ll get you sparkles, and a tiara…

Me: Ooooo, and then we can call Murray Mr. Fancy Pants! Then it’s like they’re married!

B: They’re brother and sister, you sicko!

Me: Meh. He’s been neutured! And they had different dads anyway. They’re only halfsies.

B: (squishing her to his chest) MISS KITTY GALORE!!!

Axe Murderer: *cry of anguish*

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While watching Top Chef…

Me: I kind of love Gail.

B: No, you don’t. You just really hated Tony.

Me: Hmm. That might be true. I DID hate Tony.

As they’re discussing someone’s overcooked steak…

B: See, right now Tony would be all, “My mother was raped by a cow, amd now my tongue’s been raped by a cow.”

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Someone is called a cat lady on TV…

B: You’re a cat lady!

Me: I hate to break it to you darling, but so are you.

B: Nonsense. I’m a LION TAMER!!!!!!

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A commercial for Two and a Half Men comes on…

B: If we just euthanized everyone who watches this show, America would grow up 20% smarter.

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Mama said share.

You all know this game by now. Time for another installment of “The Shiz My Boyfriend Says“…

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On the couch, completely and totally out of the blue:

B: You know what our problem is?

Me: What?

B: Neither of has ever bought the other person a wolf. (reflects) You should probably get on that. My birthday’s in August.

Me: ……………

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While watching “The Gates”, a horribly-acted, completely tween-tastic, but still mildly entertaining wanna-be True Blood:

The Sheriff on the Gates: (talking to his wife) I killed that man… I knew he didn’t have a gun, he raped and killed those women, he was gonna walk… and I thought, what if it were you? Or our daughter? And I killed him. I shot him.

Wife: (after a long, drawn out, super-judgy pause) … We’ll… we’ll figure it out.

B: What the hell? Stop being so melodramatic! Oh, I killed an evil monster in the line of duty who was going to rape and kill innocent women! Wahhhh, poor me!

Me: Seriously. If you said that to me I’d high five you. Hell, that could be my Valentine’s Day present. You killed a rapist! And you did it for me? You get a pass this year for Christmas!!

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The other day, B was waiting in line at City Sports. He noticed a cute old woman standing just off to the side, and wanted to make sure he wasn’t taking Frontsies without asking.

B: Oh, I’m sorry, are you in line?

Bemused Woman: No, sweetheart… I’m just watching you dance.

Turns out, my love had been inadvertently tapping his foot along to George Michael’s “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go“… and made the mistake both of telling me about it, and of letting me share it with you.

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B’s new thing is to cover a “cat-designated” Yuengling box with about 40 ounces of catnip, and watch them go batshit around the apartment, before collapsing into a drug-induced kitty coma.

Me: Honey, go easy on the crack!! This much can’t be good for them!

B: Why do you have a problem with our cats being crackheads? What, they gotta go to WORK in the morning?!

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And on that note, much thanks to @jojozaff for bringing this into my life:

Mama said share.

So, last night B and I are deep into our newest television fling, Rescue Me…

Love these boys.

…and the firemen are sitting around having an old-fashioned “We are men! Measure my penis!” shoot-the-shit kinda conversation, when one of them says this:

“That’s the thing with older vs. younger women. Older women are more skilled, but they’ve done it so many times, it’s mechanical for them. Younger women may come up short in the talent department, but they’re so eager to please.”

*contemplative pause*

Another fireman responds:

“If only there was a way to combine the two, to find a happy medium.”

First fireman:

“Oh, there is… 26, my friends. 26? Is the sweet spot.”

At which point I looked over to B, and yell

“HEYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”

because whoa!, I am 26, so that’s pretty awesome, right? Lucky man!

And my darling dear, he eyes me carefully, and he says…

“So, how many months you got left?”


P.S. Obviously this is a rather ridiculous notion. I just thought it was awesome because they said 26 and hey, it’s kind of an obscure age. We don’t get much else.

Also, excuse to post a picture of hot firemen? Yes and also please.






Yes, this is an ad. Mama is poor, yo:

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Mama said share.

~So. Remember that time I promise you an amazing surprise today? Um, well…

I lied.

Not on purpose, trust- no one is more disappointed than me that we have to wait… but it’s only a couple days, chickadees. I promise by the end of this week, you shall be privy to my fantabulous news… 

*cue suspenseful music, slash, me feeling like a total ahole* ~

Anyway, back to our regular programming for the time being…

You all know this game by now. Time for another installment of “The Shiz My Boyfriend Says.” Woot!

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B’s friend K is over and showing us his stylish new glasses, or as he calls them, his “FIRIN’ GLASSES.”

Firin' glasses.

K: Do you guys have glasses?

B: Yeah, I had glasses once. But then I lost them so I never got them again. They make your eyes weaker. Fuck that noise. I’m a MAN!!!

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As I’ve mentioned, this Friday is our two-year anniversary. My present for B is stashed in my closet, but his present for me hasn’t come yet. Not being someone who can ever wait for anything, I’ve been begging him to let me give him his since it arrived…

Me: Pleeeeeeeeeease can I give you your present?

B: No!

*We’re watching Tosh.0, as they feature a video mocking homeless people*

B: Did you get me a homeless person?

Me: No, but that’d be AWESOME. Then we’d have a dishwasher!!!

I know. So wrong. Blame it on the ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-alcohol…

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A smelly B arrives home from his soccer game, and I have a flashback to the last time he came home, which somehow resulted in his vile soccer socks being draped over my (yes, still unpacked) luggage bag from Vegas.

Me: Don’t you put your dirty soccer socks on my suitcase this time!!!

B: *shrugs* I can’t help it, baby, that’s the Drying Place!

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Trying to find a new show on Netflix Watch Instantly, we stumble across “Satisfaction,” a series featuring the working gals of an Australian brothel.

Me: Um, I’m not so sure about this one.

B: You’re always so against me wanting to see 18 year old shirtless girls! You never support any of my hobbies!

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My present better be something amazeballs.

Mama said share.

You all know this game by now. Time for another installment of “The Shiz My Boyfriend Says.” Woot!

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Yesterday, B dropped off our yoga mats to our (phenomenal) neighborhood bartender for their kids event this Saturday. Upon returning home…

B: So I dropped the mats off, and she came out from the bar like she was going to give me a hug, and we just stood there looking at each other. So awkward.

Me: What? Why wouldn’t you give her a hug??

B: I don’t do hugs.

Me: …….

B: You know those people who like to hug all the time? I’m basically the opposite of that. Not for me.

Me: But I hug you all the time!

B: Well, you’re different.

Me: (pause of disbelief) Um, not even joking? I bought a shirt that says “Free Hugs” today.

B: Well, here we are.

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We see a commercial for Saw 19 or whatever.

Me: Seriously?? (meaning, they’re actually making ANOTHER of these?)

B: I know, didn’t that guy die in the first one?

Me: I don’t know. I don’t watch that horror shit.

B: Oh, that’s right… cause you’re a goddamn coward.

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I look up to see B feeding Axe Murderer bits of chicken on top of the bookshelf. He grabs a nearby paper towel and takes a half-hearted swipe at the mess.

Me: Um, gross. Can you at least get a WET paper towel?

B: Why, so you can EAT off there?! Sheesh.

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Trying out our new HD Blu-Ray, an episode of Legend of the Seeker is on. I should probably mention that the main character looks like this:

You can use your Sword of Truth on me anytime, baby.

Me: Oh Richard… so shirtless.

B: What! I’m taking the Blu-Ray back!!

Me: Oh, please. There’s more than enough boobs-in-slow-mo fight scenes to make this even.

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See you all tonight at the Happy Hour, lovebugs! Chinatown Vapiano’s after work, but Maxie and I will be there at 4 to squat at a table for us if you’re out early. I’ll be on the tweet if you can’t find us.

Do it!!!

(And share the button if you’re coming!)

<a href="http://www.livitluvit.com/2010/05/because-apparently-i-didnt-get-enough-to-drink-in-vegas.html"><img class="aligncenter" src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3382/4641327737_8457fb1000_o.jpg" alt="DC HH June 4" width="300" height="370" /></a>

~take it, leave it, love it, spank it~

Mama said share.

You all know this game by now. Time for another installment of “The Shiz My Boyfriend Says.” Woot!

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In bed, Axe Murderer is within grabbing distance…

B: Hey, grab me a cat!

I snatch her up and try to cat-wrangle her, but fail… and she jumps away, using my left boob as a platform.

Me: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

B: That’s what you get for grabbing her.

Me: You told me to grab you a cat!!!!

B: Psssh. If I told you to jump off a bridge would you do it?

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On gchat…

Me:  I don’t want to work out tonight. I’m periody.

B:  I dont want to work out either… I’m sympathy-periody.

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While watching Dexter; the main character is having a hard time assisting a friend suffering from lung cancer with suicide…

Me: Would you kill me if I was suffering like that?

B: Totally.

Me: You WOULD?

B: Sure. {All tender and shit} You know, if you really wanted me to.

Moments later, the conversation turns to the notion that Murray and Axe Murderer will, in fact, pass on one day.

B: Stop! No! They’ll never leave us!!

Me: OH. So you can cavalierly discuss going all Kevorkian on me, but the mere mention of our cats dying someday is unthinkable?!

B: Pretty much.

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As we’re about to watch Vampire Diaries…

B: Ready for some VD?!

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Domestic bliss, my friends.

Mama said share.

You all know this game by now. Time for another installment of “The Shiz My Boyfriend Says.” Woot!

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While watching “Aladdin”…

Me: Is Jasmine hotter than me?

B: Well… she has a tiger! I’m sorry, baby… but yes, she is more desirable than you.

Me: Asshole!

B: Oh, come on. If you were dating a guy with a TIGER?!

Me: Okay, okay! Fair point.

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On gchat…

Me: how’s your day?

(time passes)

B:  going good
hows yours?

Me:  three hours later!

B:  sorry love, i was playing soccer

Me:  you don’t love me at all.

B:  that’s it. i didn’t know how to break it to you other than being late to responding via gchat. 

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While watching “Sixteen and Pregnant”…

Me: Oh!

B: What?

Me: She’s painting the baby’s toenails!! That kind of looks like fun. Like a doll! Maybe babies aren’t so bad after all.

B: Whoa, there. I will buy you a fucking doll. With HUMAN toenails. And change them out weekly, if that’s what it takes.

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On gchat, having some ridiculous fake argument.

B: yeah, try to hide
  bam.

Me: the hell?

B: why dont you type “what”

Me: shorthand baby. it’s what all the cool kids do

B: you crazy kids and your V.
  …see what i did there, i shorthanded the D.

Me: hahahahahaha

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My lovelies, I want to thank you from the tippy-toe bottom of my heart for all your comments yesterday. I always feel a bit weird when I get all… well… SERIOUS, around here, so your support really means the world to me. Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone.

/schmoop

That said, today is my Friday because I am OFF to the Keys to watch my very first bff tie the knot!

C U Next… (oh, awkward, but…) Tuesday!!!

Mama said share.

You all know this game by now. Time for another installment of “The Shiz My Boyfriend Says.” Woot!

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In bed, contemplating the next round of our workout program…

B: Maybe you can do a real pull up tomorrow!

Me: {skeptical glance}

B: C’mon, it’ll be useful- you know, if you’re ever in a big hole! Or a well. A well with a bar in it. … {ponders introspectively…} It would suck to die in a well.

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On the couch…

Me: You’re breathing loudly over there. Are you mouth breathing?? You know what they say about mouth breathers.

B: That they breathe better because mouths are bigger than noses? Is that what they say?!

***Ed. note: B is NOT a mouth breather. This was a fluke, hence why I commented on it. Gross.***

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Watching the furbabies fight, and for once, Murray is winning…

Me: Axe Murderer’s getting fat, man.

B: {all defensive and shit} She’s not fat! She’s just pleasantly plump.

Me: *skeptical side-eye glance*

B: Well, she’s not pleasant… so that kind of rules that out, huh? I guess she’s just plump.

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After brunch with the girls, I arrive home on Sunday to find B lounging on the couch… with a towel rolled up behind his neck.

Me: Um. Why do you have a towel rolled behind your head?

B: So I don’t have to hold my head up to watch TV! DUH!

Me: ……………………………

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 I guess we really do need one of those ridiculous neck contraptions from SkyMall.

Don’t forget to check out my round up today on DC Blogs!

Mama said share.