…A Survival Guide to making it through a sudden and inexplicable loss, be it job, romantical (it’s a word), or your pet hampster Fred.

- Under no circumstances should you try to put on pants and/or leave the house for at least 48 hours.

- There must be at least one cat within unwilling cuddle range at all times. This is especially true if you do not have a significant other; in fact, if you do, you should probably send them away for a few days if you want to keep them. This will not be pretty.

- If you don’t have a cat, rent one. If you’re allergic, deal with it- the reaction will just hurry you along into the “ugly cry” phase.

- There should be absolutely no bathing, shaving, or other hygienic care of any sort.

- Cue up at least 14 really, really bad movies. These will serve as fodder for endless mocking, and to take your anger out on, as well as a few moments that warm your heart against your better judgment, reminding you that you are in fact still human, and keeping you from falling completely into an emotional abyss. Suggestions from my recent foray include:

• When in Rome
• Paul Blart: Mall Cop
• 17 Again
• Lindsay Lohan: The Road to Jail
• Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief – (Actually, I thought this was going to be terrible, and it was surprisingly awesome. You’re welcome.)
• Anything with Channing Tatum (C-TATES!!!) in it

- Drink heavily and eat crap, but make grandiose plans about getting into shape and all the healthy meals you’ll cook from scratch- tomorrow. Always say “tomorrow”, and do not look directly into the bloat.

- Swear colorfully and often. Get creative with it, a la Rocco in Boondock Saints.

And then, remember you have kickass friends, a great man and two adorable furry assholes cats, and at least you’re not the Half Ton Teen.

So, I’m stoked about the MTV TJ’s first challenge! Here it is in a nushell: 

(Help, help! How did I get into this nutshell!) 

Ahem. 

CHALLENGE: 

Description: The MTV TJ needs to be self aware and self assured. It is important that we see how the TJ candidate expresses their own identity, but also how they use their social aptitudes to unite and bring people together. With this challenge, the TJ candidate will be asked to tell their personal story through a digital medium of their choice, and to boost their network of followers on Twitter. 

Personal: Who are you? Answer using any form of media available to you. Examples include text, images, sound, or video. 

Social: Using your social skills and promotional abilities, increase your Twitter following (!!!!!) by as many users as possible. 

So, yanno, feel free to tweet the following… 

RT @LivitLuvit Pledge: So if I can hit 3500 followers by July 8 midnight, I will film myself rickrolling a bar and post it. BAM #zyncMTVTJ 

(Also, you can just click here to share my plight with your friends on the ‘Book. Love you long time. SMOOCHES.)  

Well, I’ve got something amazing in the works a la vlog to answer this burning question of WHO AM I, but in the meantime, I’d like to introduce my new followers to LiLu via my internet faves. If you want to know me, my sense of humor, what I love and what I’m about, you need to know about these… 

1. Hampster on a Piano, (Eating Popcorn on a Piano) 

Oh, Hampster and I. We go way back. Since the first moment I saw this video, about lizzed myself, and immediately tried to make it my ringtone, I knew we would forever be as one. 

2. SNL – Don Draper’s Guide to Picking Up Women 

Yes, this is partly because he’s the second sexiest man on earth next to B, but also because A) it’s one of the few truly greats to come out of SNL in the past decade, and B) OH EM GEE, THE AWESOME, IT IS OVERPOWERING. 

Also? C. Funny cause it’s true. 

3. Kitten Mittons – Always Sunny in Philadelphia. 

(Yes, mittons. Not “mittens.” You’ll see.) 

I laughed. I cried. I almost convinced myself to learn to crochet. And then I remembered I prefer drinking beer. 

But the video still kills me, each and every time. 

4. Where the Hell is Matt? (2008)

For the Schmoopy McSchmooperson in all of us. I’ve seen it over and over and over, and I still can’t get through it without tears welling up in my eyes. I once said here that one of my greatest fears is the knowledge that I’m going to live my life without meeting even a billionth of the people on this earth. That remains true, and I think it’s why this video touches me so much… the man had a mission, and while making this video, he lived out my dream of meeting so many new people. 

5. One of my own: “Surprise Trust Falls: Abusing Tourists on the National Mall”

(inspired by my lover @danieltosh over at Tosh.0 )

I’ll say it. I’m just damn proud of this one. Make sure you make it to the happy ending!!!

Honorary mention: Kids re-enact Little ‘Jersey Shore’

Because hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha YES.

(Ahhhhhhhhh ohmigod ohmigod it’s actually here! VOTING ME FOR MTV’s TWITTER JOCKEY TIME IS UPON US TOMORROW!!! And yes, I did throw up a little while brushing my teeth this morning! So help a girl out, and spread the word one last time…)

Twitter your hearts out, love muffins…

Follow @LivitLuvit, my favorite in the @MTVTJ search for MTV’s first Twitter Jockey! #zyncmtvtj #lilu4TJ

(Feel free to get creative, this suggestion is just for your copy & paste convenience. Cause I’m good like that.)

Voting TOMORROW! (ACK!!!) will be via Facebook. You will only get to have to vote once, so make sure we’re Facebook friends!!!

Also, you can just click here to share my plight with your friends on the ‘Book. Love you long time. SMOOCHES.

And now back to our regular programming…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have tasted disappointment, my friends… and it reeks of M. Night Shyamalan’s man-undercarriage.

Anyone who’s been hanging around this corner of the interwebs knows the following: A) I am a huge dork, and B) consequently, I am in love with the Avatar: The Last Airbender animated series.

So you can imagine how completely geeked out excited I was when we heard it was going to be made into a movie. Epic battles! Flame throwing! A four-element controlling avatar whose duty it was to defeat the Fire Nation and restore balance to the WORLD!!!!!!!!

And most of all, an unbearably cute flying bison who I was finally going to see ten feet tall. Giant fluffy moo-cow for the win!

So we bought tickets. We bought them in 3-D, because there was no other option…

And then we read the reviews.

The only thing 3-D about the film was the fact that I couldn’t take my glasses off or everything was blurry. Grandma if I do, Harry Potter if I don’t.

Look, I get it. It’s an ingenius way to make it feel like we’re falling into a giant abyss towards a bubbling pool of lava, and hike the prices up 50%. But frankly, if I want to feel like I’m flying over the Grand Canyon or about to be eaten by a Great White, it’s because I’m at the Museum of Natural History trying to convince my family we’re having fun since I can’t take them to our favorite local bar to eat tater tots and yell out the answers to Cash Cab with the other regulars like we normally do on Thursday night.

What?

We found ourselves a block away from the movie theater the night prior to our showing, and very seriously considered attempting to get our tickets refunded after reading Ebert’s and Vanity Fair’s scathing-yet-hilarious reviews, but lazy won out and we decided instead to just bring flasks make the best of it.

Honestly, it wasn’t as bad as we were expecting. But since a couple reviews called it “an abortion of a movie,” that’s really, really not saying much. (Also, the last movie I saw in the theater was SATC2. So, you know… lowest bar EVER.)

They erased all traces of East Asian descent from the characters, and replaced them with child actors so awful they couldn’t convince a dog to come with bacon in their hand. They blatantly changed the pronounciation of the main character’s name. They left out and changed and added things to the storyline that any good dork lover of the animated version knew had no place being there.

But through it all, I sipped on my vodka/HiC and I thought… “At least I’ll get to see a giant Appa, the flying air buffalo!”

(I’m easy to please.)

But. BUT.

When I finally did see Appa’s face… oh, how tragically disappointing. It looked like a hobbit woman and Hagrid had a love child that fell out of an ugly tree and hit every damn branch on the way down.

The adorable Appa I've come to know and love looks like this...

M. Night's abomination looks like this. (Short bus not included.)

These pictures perfectly embody what was done to this adorable little television show, this sweet and heart-wrenching tale where you couldn’t help but cheer for the lovable characters on their interesting and engaging journey.

They took my beloved cartoon… and they gave it a lobotomy.

Hey! Have you tweeted today yet? (If you don’t know what this is about, please to clicky here!)

Follow @LivitLuvit, my favorite contestant in the @MTVTJ search for MTV’s first Twitter Jockey! #zyncmtvtj

(Feel free to modify, the above suggestion is just for your copy & paste convenience. Cause I’m good like that.)

Update: I just found out voting will start on July 7th, and it will be via Facebook. (I know, the irony…) Anyway! You will only get to have to vote once, so make sure we’re Facebook friends and I’ll send ya a reminder! WOOT!!!

And now back to our regular programming…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last week, bored in an airport with only my laptop to entertain myself, I of course turned to you, the interwebs, to keep me company. And as always, you did not fail me.

With one simple question, my internet life flashed before my eyes.

And hot DAMN if y’all didn’t rally.

Without further ado, I present to you…

A History of The Internet via Viral Videos We Loved

The Hamster Dance! (click through for the song)

Alien Singing I Will Survive!

The “Oogachaka” Dancing Baby

“Fat Kid Singing Numa Numa Yei”

Banned Commerical – “Blind Date”

“Star Wars Kid”

“Chocolate Rain” by Tay Zonday

“Sneezing Baby Panda”

“Chinese Backstreet Boys”

“Shoes… OMG, Shoes!”

Will Ferrell’s “The Landlord”

(Apparently, the munchkin is Jeremy Piven’s niece! Um, awesome?? Thanks lbluca77!)

Ahhh, how they take me back. Happy Friday, lovebugs!!!

Update: I’m totally adding more with your suggestions, so bring ‘em on!

Well, friends, today’s FINALLY the day!

I’m gonna keep it short and sweet, because some things are just to important to joke about.

Not abortion or Engrish jokes, obviously. Those are free game.

No, I’m talking about the fact that a few weeks ago, MTV- yes, you read that right, MTV- they came to me.

Little old me.

And well, basically… they’ve offered me the chance of a lifetime.

As of today, June 21st, I am one of 20 contestants competing in “The Search for the First MTV TJ” – aka Twitter Jockey.

And so, in three little words…

I need you.

In a few more,

I need you to make my dream come true.

To check out the full details, my ridiculous intro video, my full profile- all that is here.

Meanwhile, in this place, all I can do is ask for your help to make my dream job a reality.

The job itself may not have existed yet when I was born, or even two months ago, for that matter… but I believe it was meant for me. And, frankly?

I would own it.

And so, selfishly, unabashedly, I am asking for your help. For you to help me spread the word, via Twitter, an email or a Facebook shout out to your friends (are WE friends?? Make sure!), blogging it, posting the badge below… and eventually, for your vote when the voting opens in a few weeks.

In return, I vow to fill all the vending machines with PBR, Big League Chew, and unicorn farts for everyone!

Or something.

HOW TO HELP A GIRL OUT:

Add this badge to your sidebar (275 px):

<a href="http://www.livitluvit.com/i-need-you" target="_blank"><img src="http://i556.photobucket.com/albums/ss5/Livitluvit/mtvtj-1.png" border="0" alt="LiLu for MTV TJ"></a>

Smaller version (175 px):

<a href="http://www.livitluvit.com/i-need-you" target="_blank"><img src="http://i556.photobucket.com/albums/ss5/Livitluvit/mtvtj-1-1.png" border="0" alt="LiLu for MTV TJ"></a>

Tweet your heart out for me, all day, every day! (Yes, yes I’m greedy):

Follow @LivitLuvit, my favorite contestant in the @MTVTJ search for MTV’s first Twitter Jockey! #zyncmtvtj

(Feel free to modify, the above suggestion is just for your copy & paste convenience. Cause I’m good like that.)

And then, my love ducks… then we pray. Until we can vote. And then we vote and pray again.

I know there might be a lot of newcomers today, so I’d like to officially welcome you to my humble corner of the interwebs with the musical stylings of my partner in crime Maxie and myself, in the key of Stephen Colbert:

You’re welcome.

If you have any questions, new reader or old, please comment or email me. I’d love to hear from you in any and all formats.

But mostly by you pimping me on Twitter.

What?

Update: Here’s my intro video I sent into MTV. Um, after watching the others, it’s a little… DIFFERENT. But you wouldn’t expect anything less from me, would you?

~Hey! Are you reading this in a Reader? That’s cool… don’t want the man to see you being lazy, for sure. But do me a wee favor and click here, just for a second, if you don’t mind… *vague and mysterious ftw*~

So! My (23 year old) baby sister joined the rat race a few weeks ago. Though we both built character worked through college, she was in restaurants and bank teller-ing, so she’s never had the full-fledged “Office Space” experience before.

It’s been beyond hilarious for me to witness her (via many gchat conversations) discover all the horrible things that come along with the cubicle farm environment, like crotchety old coworkers, bathroom trials and tribulations (the stand-off!!!), pretending to looking busy, avoiding getting dragged into a “lunch group,” etc. etc.

One of the biggest things we both despise about working with people-we-didn’t-choose in a professional setting is, of course, the small talk.

OH GOD, the small talk. If I could banish its existence from this world, I would. I would make everyone’s mouth disappear the moment they tried to talk about the weather, or their kid’s birthday party, or their irritable bowel syndrome.

It would be magical.

But alas, I have no unicorn to speak of, and so we must suffer through it.

Anyhoo, as she was mocking her coworkers yesterday for their endless droning on about insignificant stuff ‘n things, the following conversation ensued…

Lil Sis: seriously, they’re talking about fucking BJs right now
  like literally what things cost

me: who!

Lil Sis: work people

me: *silence*

Lil Sis: You can get 14 bars of Lever soap for like $7!

me: OH
  oh my god.

Lil Sis: RIGHT?

me: um… NOT what i thought you meant when you said BJs.

Lil Sis: ooooo hahahahaha

Apparently, I’ve been away from Massachusetts so long, I’ve forgotten that BJ’s can also mean this:

I kill myself.

Also, now I’m kind of wondering about what they cost.

And not the wholesale kind.




P.S. Thanks to DC Blogs for the shout-out to my neon orange Jersey Shore tribute/condemnation yesterday!

(I’m probably bipolar.)

Last weekend, I was home alone with the cats, and I sent B this picture…

His response?

“Cute… if I ignore the fact you took that while on the toilet.”

Uhhhhhhh…. quick, distract them!

Don’t forget to check out my round up on DC Blogs today!

A man walks into a pharmacy, and wanders up and down the aisles.

A sales girl notices him and asks if she can help him.

He replies that he’s looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

So, she directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he arrives in the checkout line, and deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?”

And he answers, “You see, it’s like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it’s soooooooooo much cheaper.

“So, I figure if I have to roll my own………..

“So does she.”

Just in case anyone hasn’t gotten the memo that TMIT has come to a sad but triumphant end, I figured I’d give you a touch of it today so that no one’s world was completely shattered.

Consider this your TMI methadone, you crazy addicts.

At brunch last weekend…

Me: Lex, why don’t you share that tiny insignificant detail from your childhood that you failed to mention to any of us before? You know, the one about your dad you JUST told me this week?

Maxie and Katie look at her quizzically.

Lexa: Well, when I was little, one of my dad’s part-time jobs was as building maintenance to this block of apartment homes. It wasn’t exactly a great neighborhood, but not terrible. I would tend to tag along on the weekends as he snaked sinks, fixed wires, etc.

Well, one weekend, a domestic assault ended in murder and guess who he brought along to clean it up? There was blood and papers and just crap strewn everywhere. The best part, or worst part? Is he let me take shit from the apartment. I got a coveted copy of Guns ‘n Roses, use Your Illusion II.

I still listen to it occasionally and thank that poor woman for dying as I rock out to “You Could Be Mine.”

*Silence*

Katie: Your dad brought you to a MURDER SCENE??

Lexa: Yeah. That was kinda fucked up. I forget about it… and then I’m like… oh yeah. That happened.

Me: Wait wait wait. I have an idea. Maybe this could be the answer to why you can’t deal with bathroom humor!!! Don’t people empty their bowels when they die??

Maxie: They do! That’s it! Lex, was the body covered in feces?!?

Me: It’s okay, you’re in a safe place now. Finally, we’re getting somewhere!

Lexa: You idiots. The BODY wasn’t still there!

Maxie & me: There, there. *stroking hair* It’s okay now. We’ve got you. We’ll get you to make a fart joke yet!

Katie and Lexa shake their heads pityingly.

I love my friends.

I’m going to be a bit MIA while I rock this whole jury duty thing, but I figured I could give you a taste of how my weekend was. My dear friend cavy was in town, so I figured the only thing to do was throw her a party.

This is how that went.

Actually, this is just the tiniest TASTE of how that went. Let’s just say there will be the vlog to end all vlogs tomorrow, inspired by Tosh.0’s “surprise trust falls.”

You’ll see.

Trust me.

(Thanks to Berto and Lex for the image credit. You can split responsibility as Axe Murderer’s sponsor when she enters AA.)

Ladies and gentlemen, I come to you on this perhaps tragic day as the bearer of some heavy, but necessary, news.

This Thursday will be my last TMI Thursday entry here on Livit, Luvit.

I’ll let that sink in.

I know, it seems sudden. But really, it’s not.

I’ve written some 75 posts about bodily functions, sexual mishaps, general over-sharings, and the like. It’s gotten to the point where I’m stressed, where I’m reaching, where I’m hoping something vile and inappropriate will happen at my girlfriend’s bachelorette party, just so I’ll have a post that Thursday.

What?

I’ll be forever grateful for all the bathroom-humor-loving kindred e-souls I met through this, um, *project*… but TMI Thursday, at least for me, has run its course, and I’m hoping to tap out while on top.

(Twss.)

That said, let’s have one last big ass TMIT hurrah, huh? This Thursday, let’s come together, dig deep, and tell that one story we swear we never would. Let’s go nuts! Let’s have one big Never Have I Ever sesh. I’ll bring the popcorn.

And the She Pees.

WHAT?!?

Sigh. Some things will never change… it will *always* be TMI up in here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P.S. I’m over at In It To Gym It today as well, writing about The Dress. Check it out. Or don’t. WHATEVS.

P.P.S. Two of my favorite people, shine and Marie, have put together an incredible project called “Women’s Writes.” Marie will be linking everyone who takes part in it today, so make sure to check out her post. Whatever your personal politics or opinions, it’s guaranteed to be interesting.

Their message to us regarding the project:

“When the Criminal Homicide and Abortion Amendments bill passed in Utah at the beginning of March, both Shine and Marie reached the end of their rope when it came to women’s rights and issues consistently being pushed backwards rather than moving forwards. They decided to have a day in which any blogger could write about women’s rights and issues and bring them to the forefront so that we could speak up and make all of our voices heard. Know it. Write it. Say it.”

I had a bit of an adventure yesterday.

I met a new friend for a perfectly lovely lunch, and will hopefully be building a website for her campaign next month. (Speaking of which, did you see my sugarplum Jess’ awesome new online portfolio I made for her yet? Didja? DO IT! And then hire her!)

Anyhoo. While I am rocking my new healthy diet ‘n exercise lifestyle (blech), I couldn’t turn down the sample of homemade potato chips the bartender brought over for us. Trust me, it would have been a sin to waste those puppies.

About a half an hour after getting back to my desk, I was talking to a colleague when I started choking…

and felt my throat start to close up.

Now, I have never been allergic to a thing in my life. Maybe some sniffles in the Spring, but an actual hives/itching/choking sort of allergy? Never. So, I was a wee bit terrified.

We’re fortunate enough to have a clinic at my job, so when the half-closed throat sensation didn’t go away, I headed over.

After waiting for a half an hour and not dying, I decided perhaps I had developed a very sudden and severe case of strep, rather than a life-threatening allergy. A clearly inexperienced but very sweet nurse finally called me in and took my vitals.

“It’s a good thing you came in!” She said. “I’ve seen strep cases come on so suddenly.” She took blood pressure, temperature, felt my glands, peered down my throat and in my ears, but couldn’t see anything noticeably wrong, so she called in the wizened old nurse practitioner to give me a look.

“It’s just very strange,” I was saying. “I haven’t had strep in years, and I’ve never been allergic to a thing in my life!”

“Well, our bodies change, dear,” Inexperienced-Yet-Sweet Nurse patted my hand, as her veteran colleague entered the room. Without looking up from my folder, this was the first thing she said:

“So, did you have anything sharp at lunch today? Potato chips, perhaps?”

I blinked. “Um, I did, actually… OHHHHhhhhhhhhhh.” I began laughing as the truth sunk in.

“I cut myself on a potato chip, didn’t I?”

She peered down my throat.

“Looks that way. Here. Have a swig of Maalox and drink some fluids. I think you’ll pull through this one.”

Tail between my legs, I slunk out of the clinic and back to my desk, where I had to share my diagnosis with my colleague.

“Apparently, this whole “extreme workout” thing is getting out of hand. Even the way I EAT is extreme now… I don’t even chew!”

Sigh.

And now, to distract you from my idiocy, I give you…

Taylor Lautner looks like a llama.

Sorry, Maxie. But he really, really does.

 Happy Tuesday. Eat safely out there, kiddos… only you can prevent potato-chip throat injuries.

***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

Steal this button and put it in your post just by copying and pasting the html code in the box below, or just link back to the hub with this link, so your readers can read ALLLLLLL the TMI glory, and I’ll make sure to link to you.***

<a href="http://www.livitluvit.com/category/tmi-thursday" target="_blank"><img src="http://i556.photobucket.com/albums/ss5/Livitluvit/tmithursday.jpg" border="0" alt="TMI Thursday" /></a>

Now get ready, my darlings, for the ever popular, yet gravely feared, TMI THURSDAYS…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A couple days ago, am email from a dear friend- who shall remain anonymous- popped up in my inbox with the ever so simple title, “TMI.”

Uh oh.

And, my friends… it did not disappoint.

So a couple of my friends are taking these weight loss/multi vitamin supplements that they absolutely swear by. I’m always skeptical of these things (for obvious reasons), but they talked my ear off for a good 20 minutes till I finally caved and said I’d try them and my friend gave me enough for 3 days.

Then came the warning. The first day you take them, they said, you’d have massive amounts of energy… and at 3PM on the dot, be near a bathroom. Trust us, your stomach will rumble and you will have seconds to get to a bathroom.

Ok, how bad can it be? Considering I’m not the most regular of people, I figured this might actually be a good thing for my digestive system.
 
The next day I take them in the morning, and lo and behold my appetite is diminished and I have a lot of energy, and as predicted at 3PM my stomach started rumbling. I ran to the bathroom and took one of the most massive and loudest poops of my life. I mean I was in that bathroom for at least 30 minutes.
 
The second day, I took them again, and again at 3PM big poo, but less… intense.. than the day before.
 
The next day was a Monday. I was a bit concerned about having to poo at work, but my hall is pretty quiet so I figured there was no fear. At 2:45 my stomach starts to rumble. I was in the middle of something urgent and started to get concerned but I made it to the bathroom. I get there, run to the last stall and, thankfully, I’m alone. You never realize how loud a poop is until you’re in an office bathroom praying no one comes in. I was almost done, and very quiet, when someone came in. She, whoever she was, takes the first stall and immediately starts farting and pooping simultaneously. The noises coming out of this woman (like the noises I was likely making not 2 days before) were worthy of a movie. Like the battleship scene in Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle.
 
I wasn’t finished, but I couldn’t just get up either. That’s when I realized because I’d been so quiet up till then she must’ve thought she was alone.
 
Then came the stand off.
 
We were both trying to hold it for several minutes waiting to see what the other would do. Considering I’d been there longer, I had the lead so I quickly finished my business and got up washed my hands and ran out of there as fast as I could without even glancing in her stall’s direction. 
 
So yeah, definitely TMI.

And, once I stopped laughing, my response…

Hahahaha!!!!!!!! Amazing! I had a stand off of my own today, actually, but nothing that drastic.

And I totally won.

But then I realized I was wearing ZEBRA flats, so if she so much as peeked… I’m done for.

Happy TMI Thursday, y’all. Don’t forget to check out my round up on DC Blogs today!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Other awesomely bad TMIs this week…

That Kind of Girl guest posting on Rebel Mel’s: The Least Hygienic Hook-Up Ever (and how it made me momentarily internet-famous)

imerika’s TMI Thursday: The Night I Broke My Boyfriend’s Penis

Carissa Jade’s TMI Thursday: My P-phone and how I lost it

Stephanie’s TMI Thursday: When Friends Share EVERYTHING!

Sebastian’s Why men pick their nose (an ‘exploratory’ video)

miss*H’s TMI Thursday: The one where my knickers got wet…

LivingWicked’s TMIThursday: Of COURSE You Are Hot.

Spleen’s TMI Thursday: NO frontal nudity! I promise.

Floreta’s How To Eat a Baby Duck Fetus

Adam L’s TMI Thursday: The Joys of Running Part III: The Black Badge of Courage

Wife & Blog’s TMI Thursday: My Monthly Cycles

Travis’ TMI Thursday: Yes I HAVE Almost Broken Both Legs While Masturbating.

Bev’s TMI Thursday: It’s Raining Men

Hey Smalls’ TMI Thursday: VOM

Just Linda’s Give Me ‘Pause (menopause, that is)

Heather’s TMI Thursday: Barf-O-Rama!

Cleveland Poet’s TMI THURSDAY: That’s not a urinal cake

Lisa’s TMI Thursday – Something in the Air

Kate’s TMI Thursday – Occupational Hazards

MJenks’ TMI Thursday: Mid-Morning Wood

Torn’s TMI Thursday

Pat’s TMI Thursday – The “Ins” and “Outs” of an Ultra Sound

The Sassy Seminarian’s TMI Thursday: Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go…tomorrow?

Sharky’s TMI Thursday: I hope my kids are cute.

Vittoria’s TMIT: I’m not pregnant!

confessor69’s TMI Thursday: When You Get the Job In Spite of Your Pee-Suit

Lucy’s TMI Thursday: Family Dinner

Amy’s TMI Thursday: Thongs vs. Panty Line

Cammy’s TMI Thursday: He Pushed my Head Down

Dominick Bonny’s TMI Thursday: Am I racist?

Jeney Peney’s TMI Thursday – Holy Crap

I’m not a big fan of strangers.

It probably comes from the whole Masshole thing, but when someone I don’t know makes a move like they’re going to talk to me, I have a mini panic attack inside.

(It also may be because my father used to regularly present me with newspaper clippings of the latest little girl snatched into an unmarked van, never to be heard from again. Once someone pulled over to ask me directions, and I dove over a stone fence and took off through a cemetery.

It was in the center of our suburban town.

And I was 18.)

Ahem.

Anytwaddle, I’ve gotten better- I can now direct someone to the White House without screaming “Stranger Danger!!!!” and pissing myself- but that underlying fear and dislike of the unknown person remains.

(It’s a good thing I’m not single anymore.)

But every now and then, I am put into a situation where I must consort with a stranger… and sometimes, oh so rarely, it is fantastic.

Yesterday on my commute home, I was sitting next to another 20-something girl on the bus when a bedraggled Englishman hopped on, pulling a very damp and unhappy 7 year old boy behind him.

Of course, they sat right behind us.

The kid spent the next ten minutes whining at 7 year old volume about everything- he was unCOMFortable, the ride was so LONG, why COULDn’t he take his COAT off, stop SMILing at him like that!!!

His poor dad tried to placate the child- in his British accent, no less, which somehow made the whole spectacle all the more ridiculous- but he wasn’t having any of it. He berated his father until the moment they exited, and the bus heaved an audible sigh of relief.

I noticed the girl next to me giving me “the peripheral”- you all know what I mean- and somehow, I overcame my fear of the Stranger, and I looked.

We instantly broke into peals of laughter, swapping jokes about bratty children, and marveling at their skill at exponentially multiplying the syllables in a single word.

Two complete strangers, bonding in a moment of utter ridiculosity.

(It’s a word. Shuttup.)

An Unknown talked to me… and it made my bus ride home.

Moral of the story?

Clearly, I should mock others with complete strangers more often.

***Wait, you’re not done! Don’t forget to check out my round up on DC Blogs today!***

So, you know how sometimes people post gchats, and you skim it politely but the whole time you’re really thinking, “This is just not funny. This *might* be funny if I really knew them, or even if they were strangers but I was at least THERE.”

Well, knowing all that, and being the kind of person who generally agrees what the above sentiment, I give you THIS.

It is a risk, but if you have absolutely any knowledge of the TV show “24″… I think you’ll find it at least half as funny as I did. (And if you don’t, this is going to be one crazy ass journey for you.)

WORTH IT.

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Berto: I’m always torn about 24.
The first 6 hours are absurd yet awesome.

me: right, it’s fun

Berto: And then it’s like the writers were so proud of the ridiculousness of the first 6 hours that they forgot they had a whole 18 other hours to write
And then I’m pretty sure they get high and make shit up

me: SO TRUE

Berto: “now let’s throw in a mountain lion and give the wife amnesia”

me: i bet they have a hat!

Berto: ohh… the crazy idea hat.

me: and they mad lib their way to the story line

Berto: “and then the ___ showed up and said “I am your ___” and then ___ Jack’s daughter.”

me: right exactly. like “kidnapped”
“eloped with”

Berto: “ninja”

me: “roundhouse kicked to the face chuck norris* style”

Berto: “threw a pig** in her direction”

me: “injected her with a toxin that made her half bird, but then she flew too close to the sun”

Berto: “sang a song with the villain”

me: “turned out to BE the villain”

Berto: “hung out with Icarus***”
Icarus is the spy!

me: can he be russian

Berto: Yeah, he’s from the Ukraine and heads the Romanian mafia. (his middle name is Piotr)

me: and he runs a brothel… OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE
it’s called “The EAST Wing”
twss.

Berto: we need to insert a musical number involving NPH****

me: haaaaaaaaaaaaave you met Tony Almeida?

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Berto’s blog.

Berto’s Twitter.

*No offense to Chuck Norris.

**No offense to pigs.

***No offense to Greek Mythology.

****DEFINITELY no offense to our lord and savior, NPH.*****

*****Don’t you hate when someone just says “no offense” and hopes that you’ll ignore the clearly offensive thing they just said?******

******Me either. That shit’s hilarious.

Ever since Maxie showed me this, I have been unable to stop watching it.

(If I turn up dead? B killed me, and this video is why.)

*giggles uncontrollably*

No? Just me?

Sigh. It’s hard being weird sometimes.

***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

Steal this button and put it in your post just by copying and pasting the html code in the box below, or just link back to the hub with this link, so your readers can read ALLLLLLL the TMI glory, and I’ll make sure to link to you.***

<a href="http://www.livitluvit.com/category/tmi-thursday" target="_blank"><img src="http://i556.photobucket.com/albums/ss5/Livitluvit/tmithursday.jpg" border="0" alt="TMI Thursday" /></a>

Now get ready, my darlings, for the ever popular, yet gravely feared, TMI THURSDAYS…

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Last weekend, B and a friend headed to the Leesburg outlets while I met the girls for brunch.

“Buy me something!” I yelled, as I left our apartment in search of bacon and champagne.

I know. I’m subtle like that.

A few hours later, we reconvened at home, where the proud little five year old in him showed me his shiny new toys; a lovely suit, a new tie, etc. And then…

“I got you something too!” He beamed, and tossed a bag onto the bed. I scampered over and tore it open, to find what seemed to be a pair of running shorts.

“Oh, thanks babe! You remembered I need new running stuff!” I shook them open and held them up to see what they were like.

And quickly realized that something was wrong. Very, very wrong. As in, too-much-material and no-leg-holes wrong.

“Um… did you just buy me a skort?” I asked accusingly, and immediately twittered.

It turned out to not be a skort, but a “running skirt” with underoo netting, which my running pro friend Kbo assured me was all the rage now in Charleston. So I packed it up the next morning, intending to give it a try at my lunch hour workout.

Noon rolled around and I begrudgingly headed down to the gym. I suited up in my workout attire, skirt and all.

It was (bulky) fuscia with running stripes… and I looked absolutely ridiculous.

But when has that ever stopped me from anything before?

Now, I’ve worked out enough where I know you’re better off using the restroom beforehand, rather than experiencing the need during. So, I popped into a stall, and delighted with the easy-access design of the skirt for the first time, I whipped it up, and, ahem, began to, ah,well… tinkle, if you will.

(Most of you probably won’t.)

Immediately, I felt that something was very, very wrong. And also my thighs were  kind of hot. And not in a good way.

I looked down, and realized that while the skirt did indeed flip up easily for accessibility…

The underwear netting beneath it certainly did not.

Awk.

Ward.

Sigh. All I can say is, if anyone asks me when the last time I peed my pants was, I’m totally going to lie… because I was NOT wearing pants. I was wearing a goddamn running skort that can go get the freaking swine flu, for all I care.

So THERE!

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Were you expecting a “Post Secret” TMI Thursday? Well, I need more entries! You can use the top secret anonymous email account to send it in (Gmail, username tmithursday, password tmit1234), and send them to me at heylivitluvit at gmail dot com. I suggest the free photo editing website Fotoflexer to make it super duper easy.

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Other awesomely bad TMIs this week…

That Kind of Girl’s TKOG Who <3s sluts and hula hoops (TMI Thursday!)

LivingWicked’s TMIThursday: Eye Will Try Anything … Once.

spleen’s The ass is out of the bag. (TMI Thursday)

P’s TMI THURSDAY : AND THIS WEEK, TMI STANDS FOR . . .

Carissa Jade’s TMI: Vlog- I love deers and peeing

Sebastian’s Penises are not as great as you might think

Griffin’s TMI Thursday: When my phone decides to become a Fish

Just Another Momma’s TMI Thursday – Out Of Which End?

shine’s TMI Thursday – No, but really…this happened.

Daffy’s TMI Thursday: Jose Cuervo and Cookies

Lucy’s TMI Thursday:This is so wrong and yet so funny!

Travis’ TMI Thursday: Yes, I Have Balls That Can Write…

saratogajean’s Usually this would CLEAR a room

Mary’s TMIT: Kitchen Mishap

Dani’s TMI Thursday: There are some shames that cannot be washed away by cheap beer…

Hillbilly Duhn’s TMI Thursday – Anything you can do I can do better!

Lisa’s TMI Thursday: Uterus in Revolt

lnicole’s TMI Thursdays: I Hate Showering

Tricia’s TMIT: Up Close and Personal

Carol’s TMI Thursday

Insomniac Lolita’s TMI Thursday : Can I Get a “Chivas”?

Jeff’s i am a highly trained computer technician

the iNDefatigable mjenks’ TMI Thursday: The Shaking of the Bed

ClevelandPoet’s Jimi’s pussy twofer or TMI Thursday

Ms.Terri’s Guess what, cigarette butt? Mr. Sister is here!

amber murphy’s TMI Thursday: peel the onion

Dual Mom’s TMI Thursday – Cougars On The Prowl

Joshua’s TMI Thursday: Full Of It

JewliaGoulia’s TMI Thursday – 1st Edition

Wendy’s TMI Thursday: I guess I’m just that approachable, even when naked from the waist down. Wait, that came out wrong.

the ikss’ tit for tat

lebombed1’s And she’s in charge of impressionable young minds…

…is, apparently, to violently accost your friends’ and families mailboxes with an atrocity like this.

That. Just. HAPPENED.

The thing is, while hopefully this holiday abomination brought a smile to their faces, it in no way captured the journey that was this photo shoot. So now, I share this with the world…

I call it, “2 Cats 1 VeryCertainDeathofTheirOwners”.

Now, if someone could just tell me how the hell to top this next year, I would be eternally grateful.

(The cats, however, would not.)

Happy Holidays!

Over the past couple week’s I’ve been inspired by the “Gift-Giving Guides” everyone’s been posting; in fact, I think I’ve been able to cross off almost half of my own Christmas list because of them. So, I thought I would come up with one of my own, and hopefully help a few of you X some names off your own lists as well.

And so we have it,

“The Holiday Gift Guide, LiLu Style”

In this terrifying day and age, it’s only natural that you should want to protect your loved ones from the dreaded plu.  Stuff their stockings with this Swine Flu Survival Kit!

Protect thee from the bacon!

Speaking of bacon, is this not The Awesome???? I like my money greasy…

I have absolutely zero justification for the existence of these… all I know is I WANT THEM.

Hander. PANTS! Hander. PANTS!

Tell me, when is the “Christmas Story” leg lamp NOT a good idea? All I want to know is, does it come in a box marked “Fra-geel-ay”???

Front and center in my house, baby.

Need a $10 present for an office gift-swap? Try and tell me this “Swearing F-bomb Talking Plush Bomb” isn’t JUST the thing!!

Do they make this in sling shot form?

Now, this just wouldn’t be a LiLu gift-guide without something poo related. So here you are, animal lovers… the “Little Poopsie Dog Poop Chew Toy”!

"He called the shit poo!!!"

All I want to know is, why on EARTH am I just finding out about the all-amazing Hopsholster?! I can pretty much guarantee there will be two of these in my house on Christmas morning, one way or another…

Um. How much for those abs?

Celebrities and ducks… who can believe this is the very first time these two phenomenons are coming together??

All he's missing is his green hat.

Back when B was still all “I’m allergic to cats” (pssssh!), I was obsessed with getting one of these little guys. And yes, it was 98% because of this video. No shame.

Boogie boogie!!!

For the man (or differently lift-styled lady) in your life, Bobble Babe drink holders! (Click through for jiggle…)

Tee hee!

Yes, I know this is really, really wrong. But am I the only one who also finds it absolutely HILARIOUS??

I am such an a-hole.

And last but not least, the crowning jewel… adult feety pajamas for the win!!!!!!!!!

This is me never leaving my house again.

Love it. Happy shopping, and remember… there’s always money in the banana stand!

This week, my work counterpart unexpectantly called out sick… for the ENTIRE WEEK. Needless to say, doing the work of two people has not made this my favorite five days. Even worse, I was supposed to be sitting at home today, painting my toenails and torturing my cats while I watched the premiere of Jersey Shore I taped last night. Alas, I am sitting at my desk, plotting different routes to cropdust the office just for revenge-y shits and giggles.

But my misfortune is your gain, lovers. Let me show you a few things that my sympathetic friends sent to me to make this no good very bad week better!

I have watched this approximately 1,000 times on repeat, and no, it doesn’t get any less cute. SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Snuggie meets the ShamWow! aka MAGIC SAUCE.

Yes, it’s bootleg… but it’s WORTH IT.

Oh, Cartman… when you’re on, you’re ON FIRE.

Happy Weekend, my dears!