Why I Hate Sweet, Innocent, Darling Little Children.

by Rachael on February 29, 2012 · 34 comments

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So, I kind of hate kids.

I want to like them. I feel like a bad human, like a woman missing that “maternal” gene we’re all supposed to have.

But the little turds just drive me nuts.

It’s not (just) that they’re loud. It’s not that they’re bratty, or reckless, or perpetually covered in slime.

It’s that they’re so. fucking. OBLIVIOUS.

I know it’s not their fault. They don’t know better. They’re just tiny little people with tiny little brains who are easily distracted by shiny things, and being vertically challenged doesn’t help matters when it comes to being aware of the world around them.

But it drives me batty. Everywhere I go, from Target to the grocery store to my favorite brunch joint to the city sidewalks, they’re carelessly running, tripping, poking, chasing, and generally dilly-dallying DIRECTLY in my way. The little cretins seem to have a sixth sense for the exact place I need to walk and direction I have to go, because they’re always underfoot, no matter which way I turn.

Every day, except I am an unwitting and unwilling participant.

I had this revelation yesterday, while picking up my lunch at Roti. I’d pre-ordered and paid for it online, presumably to pick it up downstairs in a matter of moments (as promised), since it was a busy day at work. I think I stood there for a solid ten minutes while the two check out girls stared vacantly through me. If they had been furiously cashing people out, that’s one thing – but one of them was meandering around, saying “like” eleventy times while chatting with the chefs, very purposefully existing without purpose, all while pointedly ignoring my death glare.

I see this kind of apathetic, pointless human being all too often, and I despise them. Those people who shuffle along in a carefree zigzag on the sidewalk, as if they’ve never considered the notion of “having a destination” in their lives. The ones who ignorantly stand on the left side of the escalator, in doorways, or in the middle of an intersection just to inhale/exhale for a little while (you know, without the burden of walking at the same time).

This is abhorrent behavior in an adult, to be sure – these are grown ass people who SHOULD know enough to be generally cognizant of the world around them. (Particularly when they’re getting paid to be – *shakes fist at Roti employee*.)

But it’s a characteristic alive and well in almost ALL children, and therefore, I can’t help but dislike the tiny beings (sweeping generalizations FTW). They’re like little, sticky mosquitos intent on preventing me from ever getting anywhere.

And when you get between me and happy hour… well, let’s just say even your short stature cannot protect you from my wrath.

{ 34 comments }

1 BlackLOG February 29, 2012 at 2:13 pm

I’m 100% with you on the kiddie issue, the problem is that you can apply most of these child issues to old people….and parents (Do they have a reversible lobotomy (not all seem to have it reversed though) once they have sprogged*) and Tourists – which makes it increasingly difficult to actually like humanity…… Sorry if it makes me sound like I’m about to start a career as a serial killer, I do like the majority of people I meet, they just happen to fall into a narrow band….

** I watched in horror this afternoon, at my favourite cafe, as a new mother just left her nappy bag recently filled on the cafe table. For some reason parents seem to think baby poop is cute – Listen Parent “It’s still shit and should not be left to other people to clear up, most dog walkers seem to have grasped this why can’t you?)

2 Alexandra the Tsaritsa February 29, 2012 at 2:13 pm

I feel you, but I don’t blame the kids. I blame their clueless parents who are too self-absorbed on their Blackberry phones to notice that their youngsters are crawling on the floor and putting their sticky hands on everything at the grocery store.

As for the adults who are too braindead and self-absorbed to perform customer service when it’s their job to do so– they should be forced to attend remedial common courtesy class, or something like that.

3 Robyn February 29, 2012 at 2:15 pm

How do I say this…
YES. YESYESYESYES and more YES. I’ve long felt like a bad person for believing this, but kids drive me absolutely batty and I think you’ve hit the nail on the head as to why. Though it also annoys me that their sense of humor is ill-formed. I just don’t know how to relate to them. Really, even when I WAS a kid, I would always try to hang out with adults (which my parents, let me tell you, LOVED*). I hope to eventually get over the guilt of being a woman and not going all gooey over kids, but yeah, I just want nothing to do with them. Ever.

I’m going to hell, aren’t I?

*This is sarcasm.

4 Sandra April 14, 2012 at 10:02 am

Hei, you are not going to hell. But if you do I will be there with you as well. I have hated little screaming brats all my life. I do not understand why we, women are supposed to love them simply because we are women. I have been in very annoying situations with the kids of realtives who think their dirty screaming little brats are adorable. They have horrible eating habits, they demand and scream like little worms and I feel nothing but disgust for them. Of course, I do not want to go back to Victorian time treatment of children, but children should be taught discipline and respect of other people from young age.

5 Jay February 29, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Ha! This is exactly how sober people feel about post-happy hour Rachael… “Why the hell is she bumping into everything and talking like a baby to those cat pictures on her phone?!”

6 Melissa February 29, 2012 at 2:26 pm

I can say that I *somewhat* agree with you- I work with kids on a regular basis & yeah, they can get in the way, but it’s 99% their parents’ fault who aren’t paying attention to them or who’ve brought them up and forgotten the lesson on watching where on earth you’re walking. That being said, if a kid walks into you or bumps into you & you say ‘be careful!’ or something like that, they generally apologize (unless they’ve been brought up not to care, but again not their fault)… So I think it’s fair to say that yeah, kids can be annoying and they aren’t ALWAYS fun, but if you bring them up the right way then you won’t have these problems! It’s more and more rare that parents are bringing up their kids to be mindful, but it’s SO clear when they do. It’s immediately noticeable. Don’t hate on the kids!

7 natako February 29, 2012 at 2:27 pm

i know the children are our future, but when the zombiepocalypse happens- im eating all of them. Or i could see bartering a fat kid for shotgun shells.

8 Joh February 29, 2012 at 2:29 pm

I especially like the product ad for “kids bunk beds” on the list of paid links to the right… based on your article, I was expecting “trap door bunk beds” – “juniors first electroshock padding bed” and was sadly disappointed.

9 Anna February 29, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Just imagine if you had kids, they would really get in your way. My two do all the time and it drives me crazy, but they are 2 and 4 so we dub them “works in progress.” Also, in public when kids do that stuff it is their parents fault, at least if they aren’t corrected. Humans come into this world as uncivilized bozos and parents are charged with the job of civilizing them. Those idiot adults you mention were clearly never civilized. Feel free to hate on them. I will join you.

10 Adam February 29, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Small children, to me, should be referred to as “puntables” because they are so, well, puntable. It follows that I adhere to the rule: No unattended child shall go un-punted.
Consider including that in your day… it makes it so that you don’t have to wait for them to move on their own.

11 Sara February 29, 2012 at 2:37 pm

I mean, not that there was any doubt in my mind, but this post really just affirms that we’re going to be best friends.

12 Travis February 29, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Having been a parent for all of about nine months, and having adopted children who fit EXACTLY into this category, I absolutely sympathize with you, and like most, I blame the parents. That’s right, I blame me. But, that’s something I’m working on. In the meantime, if you and my children are on a collision course, I’ll yell them you ate the last 4 and 6 year olds that got close.

As an aside, one thing that drives me crazy about kids…they don’t understand sarcasm at ALL. Makes me so mad. I’ll deliver a zinger, and if my wife isn’t home, no one laughs.

13 nikki February 29, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Yep. I love my own two kids (the older one is still learning about staying the fuck outta others’ way. The younger is too young to walk yet) but I loathe OPK. That’s Other People’s Kids.

14 MsDarkstar February 29, 2012 at 3:09 pm

I know this may incite people to hate on me, but I’m going to be up front and tell you it is NOT different when it’s your own child. Because when it’s your own child you can’t give it back to its caregiver or escape. You’re STUCK.

The pre-verbal stage has got to be the most maddening torture I’ve ever endured. I’ll admit to having, more than once, after 10-12 straight hours of crying, when I had done everything I could think of to get it to just, please sweet Jesus, get it to STOP, I sat down and cried myself. When someone can’t tell you what’s wrong and you have to guess? THE. MOST. AWFUL. THING. EVER!!

You cannot fathom how grateful I am that The Girl is now almost 18 and how utterly terrified I am of the spectre of…. GRANDCHILDREN! (I have to go and drink several bottles of vodka now….)

15 Lauren February 29, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Haha! This made me laugh not hate on you, because I have felt this way a couple of times too!

16 Patrice February 29, 2012 at 3:11 pm

You hate them all but Hunter :)

I am a mom so believe me when I say sometimes I am mortified by my sons behavior. I have to grit my teeth and say lets go and then explain to him later that he just can’t do things like that. Living in a city that clearly doesn’t represent the boundaries and the lack of places to take them doesn’t help. When we want to go to dinner in the city where is there to go? Very few places “kid” friendly and mean it. A lot of these establishments say this to bring in business but no one else at the place feels friendly by your kid interrupting their meal. Now when your mom is part owner of a bar and your dad works in the NBA then…. Well…. God I feel bad for everyone around us. Thanks for putting up with us and I’m sorry in advance for anything that he may say or do. P

17 rachaelgking February 29, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Hahaha. Not only do I LOVE Hunter will all of my heart, I miss him dearly. His mama too! <3

18 Lauren February 29, 2012 at 3:14 pm

As a new mom it is my goal to not have this kind of kid. Because it is 100% percent the parents. I still hate kids, it doesn’t mean that you aren’t maternal. The key is, I hate OTHER peoples kids. The ones you can’t beat, I mean control when they are being little shits. Right now at 5mths, I love how innocent and clueless my daughter is. She doesn’t know that work or escalators or happy hour even exists yet. And since she can’t even move from one spot, she doesn’t get in the way. But when she does, damn straight I will teach her not to mess with somones happy hour. (Especially mine, ha!)

19 PJ February 29, 2012 at 3:27 pm

There is a reason that child leashes exist. And personally I think they should be required in all public places.

20 Mandy's Kidding February 29, 2012 at 4:26 pm

I don’t know. I have two kids and they are both oblivious despite my constant efforts to try to get them to clue the eff in. I think you’re right. Kids are just oblivious, living in their little egocentric heads.

Sometimes I feel bad about being irritated by my own children, and then my husband reminds me: “Kids are annoying.”

Ha.

I still love them though. Even when they’re in my way.

21 Matt February 29, 2012 at 4:46 pm

This is the Rachael I know and love

22 kellie February 29, 2012 at 5:09 pm

Except not my Charlie! ;) As most have said and I totally agree, you can’t blame the little creatures. You have to blame the parents. They are the adults and should be in control! So help me god if Charlie ever starts acting out we immediately high tail it outta wherever we may be if we can’t get her to behave in a matter of a couple minutes. I know no one wants to hear a fussy child (me included)! The parents have to start being more respectful of everyone else!

23 Teacher Girl February 29, 2012 at 5:36 pm

Um, yeah, I work in a school with 3,600 teenagers. I get you. Granted, they are not as vertically challenged as little kids, most of them are taller than me, but they are just as annoying and unaware, if not more so. I love my job, but sometimes these kids drive me batty!

24 Paula February 29, 2012 at 6:46 pm

What I hate is when I’m sitting in the park on a sunny day (so approximately three times a year, given I live in Glasgow) and the little tits chase the pigeons. What’s THAT all about??? What do they possibly think it’s going to accomplish other than have the pigeons fly directly at other people’s heads? Which is a fear of mine.

25 Stef (City Girl) February 29, 2012 at 7:23 pm

This post made me smile. We all have our limits. xoxo

26 Caitlin March 1, 2012 at 7:38 am

I have to agree with Teacher Girl. Kids? Yeah.. small, slimy alien creatures. Teenagers?! HORRIFIC MONSTERS. I was in a meeting with a client in Panera bread last night and two neon-haired teenagers were seriously molesting and groping each other.. PANERA BREAD! Have they never heard of “

27 Caitlin March 1, 2012 at 7:40 am

“Parking”.. have they never heard of parking. (Or is that just a PA thing?!)

Sorry, was so crazed reliving this experience that I prematurely hit submit.

28 Jennifer March 1, 2012 at 9:20 am

I just realized how long it’s been since I checked out your blog (among many). Missed your awesome-ness and I LOVE this post. I was nodding my head the whole time! Write on.

Jennifer

29 Brando March 1, 2012 at 10:34 am

The problem is their parents don’t control them in public. So the simple solution is to offer the kids some candy, and tell them you have even more candy in your van that’s parked around the corner. This should sufficiently freak out the parents enough that they will keep their kids on a tight rein, or maybe even keep the little ruffians locked up at home.

30 meleah rebeccah March 1, 2012 at 5:48 pm

I have a 15 year old son and I can tell you with utmost certainty that kids suck, period.

You get ONE good window, from ages 5-7, to enjoy all the glory of being a parent. And that’s it. Because before and after that? It’s nothing but a nightmare.

*said the girl, who loves her child unconditionally*

31 K March 3, 2012 at 12:48 am

I kinda go back and forth on this. I love kids in general, but so many are obnoxious little brats that I want to smack upside the head. Not that I’m violent like that, mind you. I will probably either be one of those super-strict moms who don’t let their kids get away with anything, or I’ll be the type that hates all kids but mine can do no wrong. Oh well, guess I won’t know until the time comes what kind of horrible mom I’ll be.

32 terra March 3, 2012 at 1:16 pm

For me, it’s the germs and the stickiness and the general ickiness of children. I’ve seen them link their hands and before plunging those same hands into bowls of shared fruit or chips. They’re monsters and they make my stomach lurch.

33 MiMi March 5, 2012 at 11:02 pm

It’s not that I hate ALL kids.
I do love 2…my own. The rest can suck eggs. :)

34 Liz March 7, 2012 at 12:23 am

Thanks so much for transcribing exactly how I feel about most little hellions I come into contact with!

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