Atlantic City: Where Dried Up Hookers Go To Die.

by Rachael on October 11, 2011 · 36 comments

FacebookPinterestLinkedInEmailShare/Bookmark

This past Saturday, Ben and I journeyed to Atlantic City to see “The League” live.

We drove up early in the day so we’d have some time to explore before the show. Now, I’ve never been to AC before, and my only points of reference are Boardwalk Empire and that one episode of Sex and the City where the girls take a bus down so they can wear sequins for a weekend and get called fat by some Jersey meathead. Still, as someone who enjoys the tackier side of life (if only for the people watching), I was looking forward to the adventure.

Our show was at the Borgata Hotel and Casino, which will run you about $400 a night. Since I didn’t feel like selling my eggs to foot this trip, we opted for the Sheraton on the other side of town.

Only, we didn’t realize just how OTHER it was.

After checking in, we decided to walk down to the boardwalk and check out some of the casinos. As we opened the door to Bally’s, the stink of cigarettes and musty vaginas smacked us directly in the face.

We are not easily daunted, apparently, because we pressed on.

As we followed signs that suggested places like “Kate’s Krazy Korral”, I got my first good look at The People of Atlantic City.

On a scale of 1-10 of sadness, they were Jon Gosselin.

Atlantic City is where the wrinkled and skanky (generally both at once, if we’re being honest) come to PLAY, and they are not messing around. With our non-douchey jeans and hair that did not defy gravity, Ben and I stuck out like sore thumbs.

The cocktail waitresses were 50 going on 150 – these ladies were ridden hard and put away drenched. We could barely walk through the casino floor, as there was a scooter attached to a chain-smoking lump of human flesh every six feet. The one “bar” we stopped at was atrociously Western-themed, built out of enormous styrofoam Arizona red rocks and miserable bartenders wearing bolo ties.

I so badly wanted to enjoy the ridiculous cheese-factor of it all, but the overwhelming stench of disappointment was just too oppressive.

I did have one moment of glory, however…

Once we were thoroughly disillusioned, we hopped in a cab to the Borgata – a very, very important two miles away – and we were suddenly in (the classy part of) Vegas.

Beautiful young people, bartenders with fake boobs pouring $18 martinis, zoot suits in high roller suites – it was like going from Buffalo to New York City. Let’s just say I was suddenly very conscious of the fact that my heels were only three inches high and that I’d left my BumpIt at home.

So naturally, we got drunk, and had an absolute blast at the show. (PSA: If you’re not watching The League, which is the funniest show on television except for maybe Parks and Rec, you’re basically wasting your life. That is all.)

Four of the five main characters are stand up comedians, so that should tell you something. And I even got a hug from Steve Rannazzisi, who was by far the funniest (sorry Nick Kroll, you were a close second. Love you.)

The only one who was disappointing was Jon LaJoie, aka Taco, which was surprising because his YouTube videos are hilarious (Rapist Glasses, anyone?) But honestly, he was just kind of a dick. Which would have been fine with me if he was ALSO funny, but, well, he wasn’t.

They took questions from the audience, which means I got the chance to thank them for being so fucking funny, which – most importantly for you – means they gave me TWO copies of Season 2 on DVD. Why two? I don’t know, but that means one of you gets one!

Share your favorite League quote in the comments for a chance to win, and I’ll pick my favorite on Friday. BLAMMO!

Update:

MAGGIE, you’re the winner! Shoot me your address and I’ll send the DVD your way!

{ 36 comments }

1 Rachel October 11, 2011 at 12:44 pm

okay so wait. i can basically SEE atlantic city from where i am right now (sea isle city) and WHY DIDNT I KNOW THAT YOU WERE COMING HERE!? i mean, i saw your tweet, but i sort of figured that you were passing by some random exit in like delaware or something. WHAT THE EFFF WOMAN. also, you actually went IN to ballys? like, for real? ummmmm… no. just no. that place is disgusting. the only casino on “that side” of AC that’s worth going into is Caesars so you can go to the Pier and shop. Borgata is RIDIC though, isn’t it? I shoot there all the time. :) AC proper is one scary ass place, yo. glad you survived. <3

2 rachaelgk October 11, 2011 at 3:09 pm

I know, I didn’t realize they were so close!! I should have asked you for tips before we went. I’m pretty sure I still reek of Bally’s cigarette smoke.

3 ann October 11, 2011 at 1:03 pm

The League and Parks and Rec are my two favorite shows too (aside from *cough* Toddlers & Tiaras *cough*). Anywho…my favorite line is when they find all of the “Dummies” books in Kevin’s basement including “Law for Dummies” and Ruxon says, “You’re a lawyer!” and Kevin says something like, “But it’s full of such common sense advice!”

4 rachaelgk October 11, 2011 at 3:10 pm

Kevin and Ruxon are just the best. Much like they were at the show. I freaking LOVE those guys.

5 Maggie October 11, 2011 at 2:04 pm

I have been lurking on your site for about two years, and I have never agreed more with anything you’ve ever written. I told my boyfriend that if he wanted me to go back to AC with him ever again he’d have to murder me and drag my cold, lifeless, body there. I hate that place.

I love The League! It’s second only to It’s Always Sunny for me. My favorite quote would have to be Taco’s entire birthday song from episode one, particularly when the little kid asks “wee-wee?!”

6 rachaelgk October 11, 2011 at 3:11 pm

Aw, I’m glad you de-lurked (hi!) That scene is amazing, and when I first started reading your comment I thought you were talking about the Mr. Wiggles episode, which Ben and I watched about four times while peeing our pants. LOVE.

7 rachael g king October 14, 2011 at 4:15 pm

Maggie, you’re the big winner! (Good thing you de-lurked!)

Shoot me your address and I’ll get the DVD out to you ASAP. :-)

8 Robyn October 11, 2011 at 3:39 pm

WHAT. THE. WEIRD.

I blame my slow-as-hell, losing-my-tweets iPhone 3G for this injustice. I WAS AT THAT SHOW. AND I STAYED AT THE VERY SAME SHERATON.

Like, if I had known ahead of time, it just would have seemed creepy. It still feels weird.

I actually saw your tweet about the show when I was waiting for a drink at Mixx and tweeted you back all, “WTF were you the girl who thanked them for saving you from shitty television?! THE INTERNET IS A STRANGE AND WONDERFUL THING.” But whether from my inebriation or the afore-mentioned phone of lies, the tweet never left my phone… so I’m telling you now because the hotel thing is really just icing on this weird I-stalked-you-but-didn’t-know-it cake. I mean, it might be a you-stalked-me-and-didn’t-know-it cake, but we’ll never know for sure.

I freakin’ LOVE the League and I howled my way through the show, except when that asshole calling for Taco said anything, and then I made a very abrupt effort to stop all unrelated-laughter just in case he misinterpreted it as encouragement. Other than that, what a FUN show! I had gotten the tickets for my boyfriend as an anniversary gift and he had a blast as well.

I seriously can’t even pick one League quote, especially since I can’t remember any verbatim. I love the opening to “Kegel the Elf” where they do the fake Christmas video and end with, “So from the first family of fantasy football, to your family at home…SUCK IT.” And I love when Andre brings the “deep googler” to Ruxin’s anniversary, and Kevin says, “She googled too deep! She’s a deep googler. She’s on page 5 shit, man.” And I may, from time to time, tell people to take a ride on my suck-stick, just because it cracks me up.

9 rachaelgk October 11, 2011 at 9:34 pm

Whaaaaaaaat. WHAT!!!! How did we not connect?!? What a pathetic excuse for internet stalkage. We should have our internet cards taken away from us or something.

Speaking of internet cards, do those exist? And can mine say “Rachael King, Deep Googler” on them?

10 Skinny Dip October 11, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Kitty Glitter lives!!

11 rachaelgk October 11, 2011 at 9:34 pm

Forever and ever amen.

12 Viv October 11, 2011 at 4:56 pm

This made me laugh. A lot.

13 rachaelgk October 11, 2011 at 9:35 pm

I’m glad!

14 suicide_blond October 11, 2011 at 5:06 pm

i can do dives and weird and freaks…. like.nobodys.business.
but AC is just tooo much for me….
i know this after a trip with a high roller that while in AC decided he liked girls with penises…
…i cant make this stuff up…
ugh cant remember a quote….but yeah lets agree friends dont let friends go to AC….
xoxo

15 rachaelgk October 11, 2011 at 9:38 pm

If it’s too much for YOU, I’m never ever going back… <3

16 doniree October 11, 2011 at 5:27 pm

I’ve never seen the League so if I just make up something quote-worthy will you still count it? Good.

“And then he said, ‘Don’t worry about it. The room’s already paid for.’”

17 rachaelgk October 11, 2011 at 9:38 pm

Haha, anything for you my love!

18 Dmbosstone October 11, 2011 at 5:34 pm

I need to watch that show, I love fantasy football and I love the songs of Jon LaJoie.

Also I’ve been to AC twice and you never, ever leave go any farther than the boardwalk. Now you know.

19 rachaelgk October 11, 2011 at 9:39 pm

YES you do!!! You of all people would love it!

20 Maxie October 11, 2011 at 6:50 pm

You’ll just let me borrow yours, right?

I’ve never watched the league, but I googled the league quotes and got THIS AMAZING THING:

Her vagina’s a church and her clit is the steeple. Her vulva’s one of Barbara Walter’s most fascinating people.

hahahahhaa

21 rachael g king October 12, 2011 at 6:40 pm

Oh, absolutely. I think Season 1 is streaming, too, so we can totes have a marathon. A vulvalicious one.

22 meleah rebeccah October 11, 2011 at 7:08 pm

Oh yes. As someone who lives in NJ and has made more than enough trips to Atlantic city, I can assure you – the ONLY place in all of AC that’s not TOTALLY horrifying is the Borgata!

I’m surprised to hear that Jon LaJoie was a dick, and NOT funny. That’s a shame.

23 rachael g king October 12, 2011 at 6:41 pm

I was too. Everyone kept screaming for TACO too, and completely dismissing all the other guys, who were way better. Annoying.

24 Sarah October 11, 2011 at 8:43 pm

I am also delurking solely to revel in the greatness that is the League. Best show on tv. My favorite quote would have to be anything that Andre said about spunk (Sports Performance Utility Nutrition Kick) – including “Spunk is amazing,” “I like spunk,” and “I like the black kind.”

So jealous you got to see it live!

25 rachael g king October 12, 2011 at 6:41 pm

HAHAHAHA I had completely forgotten about that line!! Clearly, I need to have a marathon.

(And thanks for delurking! PS Hi!)

26 Teacher Girl October 11, 2011 at 9:31 pm

Don’t watch the League, but I want to now! I was in AC once and can totally support your sentiments. That place is weird for sure!

27 rachael g king October 12, 2011 at 6:42 pm

Yes, yes, you do. Trust me – I’m very good at TV. :-)

28 BlackLOG October 12, 2011 at 7:38 am

I assumed seeing the “League” live was you going to a rock group. Don’t think it has made it over to the UK (sorry that I’m ), although I don’t share your love of stand up comedians in sit coms. I find most of the English ones don’t work well when confined to a script…..

As for Atlantic city, with its overwhelming stench of disappointment (Sounds like Wales on a good day) how can I not include it on my must visit list,
Before I book my trip can you confirm the bartenders with fake boobs are female…..

29 rachael g king October 12, 2011 at 6:44 pm

Ha, yes, they were female. Although the males’ might have been fake too, if “steroid-induced” is considered fake.

30 Katie October 12, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Thank you for making me LOL at my desk at work. The mental images of the tragic and trashy were hilarious!

31 rachael g king October 12, 2011 at 6:43 pm

You are so very welcome!

32 Hope October 13, 2011 at 9:19 pm

My sister calls my husband el cunado. :p

33 rachael g king October 14, 2011 at 9:25 am

Hahahahahaha. Well played.

34 Terra October 13, 2011 at 9:38 pm

I don’t watch the League but I will now! And I’ve always been partly terrified of Atlantic City. It just sound sort of train-wrecky to me.

35 rachael g king October 14, 2011 at 9:24 am

Oh, lady, you would LOVE IT. So freaking funny.

36 Kellie October 14, 2011 at 4:10 pm

Holy crap! I hope I’m not too late for this one b/c I LOVE the League. My fantasy football team’s name is Vagina Hubris in honor of the lone female player in their league. My husband’s fantasy football team name is Murder Boners. Yep. We are class acts. He is winning and I’m 2nd to last. Dammit. Regardless I LOVE that show. :)

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: