You all know this game by now. Time for another installment of “The Shiz My Boyfriend Says“…
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On the couch, completely and totally out of the blue:
B: You know what our problem is?
Me: What?
B: Neither of has ever bought the other person a wolf. (reflects) You should probably get on that. My birthday’s in August.
Me: ……………
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While watching “The Gates”, a horribly-acted, completely tween-tastic, but still mildly entertaining wanna-be True Blood:
The Sheriff on the Gates: (talking to his wife) I killed that man… I knew he didn’t have a gun, he raped and killed those women, he was gonna walk… and I thought, what if it were you? Or our daughter? And I killed him. I shot him.
Wife: (after a long, drawn out, super-judgy pause) … We’ll… we’ll figure it out.
B: What the hell? Stop being so melodramatic! Oh, I killed an evil monster in the line of duty who was going to rape and kill innocent women! Wahhhh, poor me!
Me: Seriously. If you said that to me I’d high five you. Hell, that could be my Valentine’s Day present. You killed a rapist! And you did it for me? You get a pass this year for Christmas!!
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The other day, B was waiting in line at City Sports. He noticed a cute old woman standing just off to the side, and wanted to make sure he wasn’t taking Frontsies without asking.
B: Oh, I’m sorry, are you in line?
Bemused Woman: No, sweetheart… I’m just watching you dance.
Turns out, my love had been inadvertently tapping his foot along to George Michael’s “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go“… and made the mistake both of telling me about it, and of letting me share it with you.
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B’s new thing is to cover a “cat-designated” Yuengling box with about 40 ounces of catnip, and watch them go batshit around the apartment, before collapsing into a drug-induced kitty coma.
Me: Honey, go easy on the crack!! This much can’t be good for them!
B: Why do you have a problem with our cats being crackheads? What, they gotta go to WORK in the morning?!
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And on that note, much thanks to @jojozaff for bringing this into my life:
{ 58 comments }
Most of my addictive behavior is tempered with the thought, “What? You gotta work in the morning?”
love the video! and i love that B got caught dancing, but kinda creeper status that that lady was watching him.
A wolf? Where did that come from? I suppose killing a rapist and a murder could be a great Valentine or Christmas present?
He can be on the next “So you can dance” if can amuse a bunch of bored ladies. But the catnip nails it for the most outrageous things your boyfriend said this edition. My husband says the crazy things too. Maybe, I should start documenting them for when he says he “DOES NOT” drive me crazy; and that, it is all my head.
Not having a wolf is probably secretly the #1 cause of divorce. You better get on that!
If you come and visit me in PA, I’ll take you, B, and the kitties (ok maybe not the kitties) on a tour of the brewery, it’s seriously right up the street.
I bet the wolf would get along great with the cats. It could be your very own Milo and Otis.
OK I had to tweet this.. Thebig cats were a hoot.. and why was I in my mind making up a dialogue of what the big cats were thinking as they ate that stuff??
I’m pretty sure in the Wolf Owning for Dummies handbook that you’re pretty much exempt from wolf ownership if you tap your foot to a Wham! song.
I love how the cats are making sweet love to the bags of catnip while porn music plays in the background!
We give our cats bags of catnip and they crawl inside and pass out, it’s like their own opium den.
LOVE . These posts crack me up!!
I think the term “catnip crazy” should now be brought into society.
Maybe he went with wolf because wolves are free and dogs cost money?
I need to find a catnip for dogs.
however, my dog is already insane and she probably doesn’t need any help.
Hehe… B got caught dancing huh? That would have been one site to see
you sure do know how to pick ‘em.
So much love for this.
That video makes me want to give my mom’s devil cat a brick o’ the good stuff and then leave.
Wolf! OMG! Have you ever watched October Road? (Unfortunately) Long since canceled. Hulu it, Season 2, episode 4 in particular.
Your boyfriend is hilarious. You two make such a cute pair.
I think you should get him this:
http://www.amazon.com/Mountain-Three-Short-Sleeve-Medium/dp/B000NZW3J8/ref=sr_1_cc_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1282075604&sr=1-1-catcorr
(The Three Wolf Moon t-shirt from amazon.)
Then you can say you didn’t just get him a wolf – you got him three wolves!
Hee hee.
@Jehane,
Oh, don’t worry… he already HAS this:
http://www.threadless.com/submission/222011/Three_Keyboard_Cat_Moon
@LiLu, omg! That’s awesome! I am so getting it, P (boyfriend) will…appreciate it in the proper way!
OMG that video is adorable! It is so funny to watch those big wild cats make the same movements as my little domestic cats! You need to tape your BF doing the catnip thing.
Hilarious! My Father in law wanted me to do some yardwork for him as a Father’s Day gift. I made the mistake of planting cat mint (which must have similar effects of catnip) and now all the neighborhood cats hang out in his back yard. He could never figure it out until he told me about it and I shared with him what I planted. Oops!
I’m so glad you posted a real LiLu post! I missed you…er…I missed your posts!
Oh! And the video is awesome. Loved it. Thank you for that one, it’s hilarious to see such large majestic cats basically behaving like catnipped-out domestic cats.
On the subject of catnip: I was cat sitting last week. Did you know that Valerian is related to catnip? It’s the same family. Has the same effect on cats too.
I discovered this when I came home one day to find my unopened box of catnip removed from the top of the bookshelf. The box had been thoroughly fanged, it was torn open, and the teabags extracted, drooled on (I had no idea a cat could be so drooly), then mashed into the carpet, presumably by being rolled on.
I did supply another box, in order to get video of the fanging and bunny kicking….
A wolf? Wow…like a Jacob Black kind of wolf? That’s a tall order. I had personalized beer koozies made for my bf’s bday today and he seemed pretty pleased with that!
As usual, these never cease to make me laugh.
Short time reader, first time commenter. Love the blog. Love the cat nip video – what would be the human version of such a thing? But, I’m going to be honest and say that when I saw “Volume XXX” I this was going to be a different type of post.
I love this boy you write about. Makes me laugh every time.
I think I would quite enjoy it if you guys had a TV show. And the cats, of course.
A WOLF!?!?!?! LMAO!!!!!!! SOO FUNNY!
I Love this Blog Topic! It’s my Fav!
How do you remember all lthe crazy stuff that happens well enough to blog about it so effectively? I think I need to learn how to write again…
haha love these posts they always crack me up
Haha, that last Shiz was my favorite ever! This is the best series ever.
he raises a valid point…re: cats & crack. i mean…if you didn’t have to drag yourself out of bed and work all day, wouldn’t you be wasted 24/7? just me?
Tigers love pepper. They hate cinnamon.
OK OK I’m sorry I just saw the tagline for the Tigers Love Catnip video and I couldn’t resist.
My cat happens to be the 1% freak-of-nature type cat that does not like catnip. I thought she was just “special” until I read somewhere that there is an itty-bitty percentage of cats that don’t get all cracked out on catnip.
Dear LiLu,
Thanks for making certain that everyone in earshot is certain that I was watching porn on my laptop.
Faithfully yours,
James
Can’t.Stop.LOLing. Man, the comment about your cats not having to go to work on the morning totally made me think of that season of It’s Always Sunny and then I couldn’t stop laughing. Whew. Also, why is the tiger’s name Alex and why are they playing porno music while they get high?
OMG secretly videotape this “dance” of his – I demand it
Get him one of these http://anwo.com/store/wolf_stuffed_plush_xlarge_cuddlekin.htm and then he can sprinkle catnip on it … the cats will look really ferocious battling a giant wolf.
I once got a wolf but my terrier ate him.
The zoo people were NOT pleased that I returned a wolf without bowels.
Sorry zoo people.
Watching cats get high off of catnip is one of life’s simple pleasures.
OMG, do you guys get the dried catnip or fresh? B/c you totally need to find some fresh catnip..it tends to make cats a lil crazier…………..which of course makes them that much more funny….
Screw a wolf, why wouldn’t B want a big cat so that he could feed it catnip, then post a video of it being super cute on YouTube??
Oh wow, big cats are crackheads too! (catheads?). I love how the leopard is rolling around in the bag, in what looks like total cat ectasy.
Problem solved: http://wendybrandes.com/pro-detail.php?colid=33&collect=true&id=183 or http://wendybrandes.com/pro-detail.php?id=479&collect=true
The cat-catnip conversation is my absolute faaaaavorite thing B has ever said. You may keep him.
That last one about the cat going to work in the morning is my favorite!
i love that he was dancing in the store and didn’t notice, priceless.
That B of your forever cracks me up!
Wolves and dead rapists…I’m pretty sure Christmas at your house is going to be filed under “Non-traditional” this year.
OMG, B is a rapist-killing George Michael-dancing kitty-drug pusher! High five for him.
i’m pretty sure wolves can’t be bought. i mean if you can find a really materialistic one, then MAYBE. but you know that bitch will just be high maintenance.
so not worth it.
Another fantastic collection….I love the Wolf one….and the Pervy Old Lady one!
I have nothing new to add… I just wanted to say I LOVE these posts
Everyone needs a wolf in their life. Preferably one that transforms into a sexy man with amazing abs (I’m talking Alcide not Jacob).
Now I’m a little mad at my husband for never buying me a wolf. We’ve been married almost 10 years, I mean…come on man. Of course, I’ve never bought him a wolf, so I guess we’re sort of even…
Love it! Now, I have “Wake Me Up Before I Go-Go!” in my head – lol. And, his point about the cats being crack heads wasn’t that bad.
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