Hiya! I’m back from Narnia the woods, alive and well save for a few (dozen) bug bites. It may not have been my ideal vacation on paper, but it actually turned out to be the perfect week of relaxation.
I agreed to go into the wilderness if I had four walls, a bathroom we weren’t sharing with strangers, and… a jacuzzi. So, yeah, I wouldn’t exactly call it “roughing it”… but if we hadn’t had said jacuzzi, then our friends Ken and Laura (and the bears, of course) never would have been treated to B’s and my very, very loud (and hopefully moving) duet of Disney’s “A Whole New World”. So there.
B and Ken have been getting into trouble together the best of friends since they were wee lads, so one nice thing about the trip was getting to know Laura a lot better. Since the boys were frequently off in the canoe playing “Vikings of the Shenandoah” and lighting things on fire, we had a lot of time to drink wine and talk and drink wine and watch “The World’s Fattest Man” and drink wine. And it was a grand old time, save for one small detail: while we did try desperately to bring everything we thought we might need in the wilderness, Laura and I managed to let down ourselves, the boys, and most importantly, AMERICA by forgetting the single most essential camping item…
S’MORES.
The first night, as the boys were building a fire (um, sidebar- men are OBSESSED with fire- wtf?! See below…), Laura and I looked at each other in horror as we realized our huge, gigantic, shameful misstep in planning. We simply HAD to fix the lack of s’mores in our life before the last day; a camping trip without s’mores would make us no better than common Commies.
We remembered seeing some graham crackers in one of the cupboards, so one of three bases was covered, at least. The next day, as we were out and about visiting Luray Caverns and getting creative at a few wineries, we made the guys pull over at every gas station and 7-11 we saw searching for marshmallows. We could only find the miniature kind, but we went for it, thinking that was as close as we were going to get. The Hershey’s was of course up front with the candy, so we would have to make do.
That night as we made dinner, I skewered mini marshmallows onto satay-style sticks. Later, as the fire was roaring, it was time to put the s’mores into action.
Let’s see how that went:
1. Those skewers? Are very, VERY tiny when you’re thrusting it into a molten lava hot fire (twss). Just sayin.
2. Once our marshmallows were cooked (in some cases burnt to a crisp; in mine, just above lukewarm), we cracked open the Hershey’s, which we all assumed would be the best part of the whole thing. I glanced down at the chocolate as I opened it…
Me: Um… there appears to be some sort of plastic on the bottom. Hold on… *tries to tear off* Oh… okay… apparently that’s just what the chocolate looks like. It’s kind of… white? Crusty?
Laura: What does the expiration date say? Is that… holy shit. It says 2001.
All of us: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
3. The graham crackers were beyond stale, as were the marshmallows, but shockingly enough, the Hershey’s took the cake as far as the worst ingredient to our horrible disaster makeshift s’mores. Fail, fail, fail, HUGE freaking FAIL.
And yes, we all took a bite because we were drunk and had to make sure they were really that bad. Well, except Ken, because he smelled it first, and I would say that makes him the smartest one in the bunch…
If he hadn’t thrown his shirt in the fire moments later, “just because”.
We’re a special bunch. But honestly? I can’t wait to do it again.
I have a rematch with those goddamn s’mores.
P.S. This is what it looks like when two men obsessed with fire finally, well, get to build a fire:
Re. Dic.
{ 33 comments }
Boys ARE INDEED obsessed with fire. Think Beavis and Butthead. Heh huh, cool. fire. fire.
Does chocolate ever go bad. We use those Keebler Fudge Striped cookies to make our smores. Much easier.
Those fire photos look like they were taken at a nice, safe distance. Which is really the only way to go when boys are playing with flames.
Men ARE obsessed with fire. Think about Tom Hanks yelling in ‘Castaway’ after finally getting a fire going. I’m surprised that more men don’t have that reaction when they make a fire (even if they are not stranded on a deserted island).
I can’t believe that despite the fact that the chocolate expired in 2001 that you TRIED THE CHOCOLATE ANYWAY. Ewwww.
umm so I’m sad you didn’t have smores…I cannot imagine camping sans smores. I think that was the first thing I made sure we had before we left…but that’s because I love them and attempt to eat/make them often.
Oh, and I was in DC this past weekend. I. fell. in. luuuurve. Seriously. I’m going to have an angry boyfriend when I’m coming down every stinkin’ month!
Omggg 2001?! S’mores are quite possibly the best invention…ever. But yeah, done wrong and it is just NOT a good thing. I’m sad for you
2001?!!! excuse me?! ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
i just threw up in my mouth.
i don’t know if you’re brave or crazy for still tasting it.
it’s not just boys. when I go camping, I have to keep playing with the fire. it’s because I want the fire to be its very best and only I care enough to accomplish that. I pity the boys who try to hog a good fire from me.
next time? bring me. I am a champion smore maker. true story.
Most of the time, the white stuff is just one of the…we’ll say lipids…crystallizing out. It happens when you let chocolate sit for a long time and is completely fine to eat.
HOWEVER…I’d say that yours went rancid. These are lipids we’re talking about and so, like butter, they can go rancid after sitting around for too long.
Um, the whole point of camping (or being outside at all, for that matter) is to build fire…
http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4066/4578321496_1fea425581_b.jpg
You definitely get a do over on that!
And yeah, men love making fire. Almost too much. It’s totally lost on me- don’t get it at all.
P.S. Sorry I didn’t write about that book yet. When you said you had a trip I didn’t know it was going to be soon. I will get on it as soon as I get back home!
Ugh, too bad you didn’t have Nutella! I would’ve still eaten it. You can’t promise me s’mores and then recant. I’d claw your face off.
I’ve never ate s’mores and never had a campfire. This is the one time I’ve not been jealous of someone’s s’mores over a fire story.
If a miracle happens and I ever meet you, please don’t try to make me s’mores.
Or go camping, for that matter.
When I go on camping vacas, *I* am the “fire starter”. That’s my name. Serious. I love starting the fire and getting it just right. There’s an art to it. I totally get the boys
Smoreos are also fantastic… No chocolate needed because the cookies are chocolate
Also – a little more work, but worth it… Take a banana and peel one strip most of the way down. Dig a little canal into the banana. Fill this with mini marshmallows and chocolate chips. Close the part of the peel you peeled down, wrap in foil, set near the fire, and enjoy the melty, gooey, chocolately deliciousness….
oh my god, that is so gross. About the chocolate lol. Sounds like quite the trip! I have witnessed first hand the glory of a man with fire. Boys are so easy to please.
First, that picture story is hilarious.
Second…how OLD does a Hershey candy bar need to be before its chemicals allow it to get moldy? You figured it out, friend. 9 years.
Ahahaha, I love the fire pictures.
And I have yet to have a successful smores experience.
S’mores are on the list of my most favorite things. And you know, if asked, I’d have bet good money that marshmallows and Hershey chocolate never go bad, no matter what the expiration date. Who knew?
As one who has been known to make s’mores over the flame of the kitchen stove….I can attest to the fact that you can indeed make s’mores with just about any chocolate-ish candy bar.
Toffee-Symphony bar s’mores. mmmmmmm
FIRE! Love fire… it’s cool stuff. So explain to me how the store had such old s’more ingredients? That’s like a sin. You need a re-do and sue that store for selling faulty, old, and potentially harmful food.
S’more fail = bad news bears. As for fire, I feel like it’s a right of passage for men.
Fire good!
Win.
P.S.
Mustache Hall Of Fame.
I’d check it out.
If I was awesome.
HAHA! Oh my goodness, those are the stories and experiences that make any situation like that TOTALLY worth it xD
In all honesty….SO jealous
I’m glad that you all had a good time!!
i ADORE the photo comic strip of the MAN BUILDS FIRE.
That white stuff probably means that the chocolate bloomed. Basically, it starts to separate. It won’t kill you, but it doesn’t taste very good. :p
This is why the first thing I pack when we go camping is s’mores ingredients!
Haha I have to totally agree with you about men building fires: my father is obsessed too!
I’m glad you had a good time. Sounds like it was fun
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Jumble Mash
Oh man. That’s tragic and disgusting, but an absolutely worthwhile endeavor.
Fires are shockingly difficult to maintain. I feel like people must have spent hours and hours cooking things before grills and ovens.
If they’re anything like my husband and friends, they would’ve built that fire with a beer in hand and once the fire was actually lit, would’ve removed their shirts, danced around the flames and complimented themselves on being manly masters of the universe.
*sigh*
Ridic.
The last time I went camping just about the thing I remembered beside beer was the s’more stuff. Fuck a toothbrush and a pillow, CHOCOLATE MARSHMALLOW goodness is the only thing I care about.
It’s funny how you showed the “men make fire” concept through creative photography. I love campfires and camping overall. Some of my favorite places locally are in Marquette, MI, but I also love Wisconsin Dells – The Waterpark Capital of the World.
Besides marshmallows, I love Polish Kielbasa – the one you can get at any Polish Deli in most major metropolitan/bigger cities. It’s a real treat to smoke it over fire. Just food for thought, or thought for food in this case.