…A Survival Guide to making it through a sudden and inexplicable loss, be it job, romantical (it’s a word), or your pet hampster Fred.
- Under no circumstances should you try to put on pants and/or leave the house for at least 48 hours.
- There must be at least one cat within unwilling cuddle range at all times. This is especially true if you do not have a significant other; in fact, if you do, you should probably send them away for a few days if you want to keep them. This will not be pretty.
- If you don’t have a cat, rent one. If you’re allergic, deal with it- the reaction will just hurry you along into the “ugly cry” phase.
- There should be absolutely no bathing, shaving, or other hygienic care of any sort.
- Cue up at least 14 really, really bad movies. These will serve as fodder for endless mocking, and to take your anger out on, as well as a few moments that warm your heart against your better judgment, reminding you that you are in fact still human, and keeping you from falling completely into an emotional abyss. Suggestions from my recent foray include:
- When in Rome
- Paul Blart: Mall Cop
- 17 Again
- Lindsay Lohan: The Road to Jail
- Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief – (Actually, I thought this was going to be terrible, and it was surprisingly awesome. You’re welcome.)
- Anything with Channing Tatum (C-TATES!!!) in it
- Drink heavily and eat crap, but make grandiose plans about getting into shape and all the healthy meals you’ll cook from scratch- tomorrow. Always say “tomorrow”, and do not look directly into the bloat.
- Swear colorfully and often. Get creative with it, a la Rocco in Boondock Saints.
And then, remember you have kickass friends, a great man and two adorable furry assholes cats, and at least you’re not the Half Ton Teen.
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{ 104 comments }
“You mean to tell me all the [blanks] and [blanks] are gone? I’ll just have a coke then.”
i’m still annoying/disappointed for you…
@alexa – cleveland’s a plum,
I’m still a ‘lil peeved myself. A few of us were completely slackjawed talkin’ about it the other day..
“It certainly illustrates the diversity of the word.” <3
@Renee, “Fine! I’ll get my stupid fucking rope..”
oh fred.
you will be missed.
Can we do shit to the cat while we have it, like, do the whole “always lands on it’s feet” tests and stuff?
Because if I’m going to suffer through allergies with that thing, it’s going to at least be worth my time.
Good advice,my friend. What do I do if after 48 hours I still can’t bring myself to put on pants and leave the house?
do not look directly into the bloat
This is now my number one rule for life. Thank you.
Dude, did you see the Project Mom Casting for women bloggers? I don’t think it’s exclusive to moms and even if it does, cats count. I mean, they’re talking about bloggers so cats have to count.
Or is it too soon? And if so, I apologize.
You are a fucking class act. Seriously. You need to teach a “how to deal with shit” class, I’d sign up for that.
Awwww…. hugs!
you totally rock by the way.
I blame the people in my family who didn’t vote. When we get in a fight I will bring it up to them bitterly.
also should this guide be used anytime I get a rejection notice for my one of plays or just really big rejections?
I’m still pissed for you. Seriously, YOU WERE ROBBED. MTV has officially jumped the shark now, with their rigged contest shit. LAME.
You should figure out how to internet-Kanye that shit. I’ll work on that for you.
48 hours??? Only 48hours to re-coup, Um, I don’t roll that way, gosh my husband so wished I bounced back in 48 hours. Oh, wait I should be telling you something inspirational, like I my mom does for me, she always says, “This too shall pass” Great mom, great!! WHEN WILL THAT FUCKING BE??? Oh, still not that inspirational. Shit, I am sucking at this ‘God Mother’ thing, Here is what I do. Drink, eat chocolate and pretty much vent and tell everyone around me how MTV sucks and I will never , ever watch them again in a million years and if they are my friend they will do it too. My friends would nod their heads and wait until I gave them the Okay to watch (but would secretly watch and not let me know) and then we would eventually move on like in a few years!!!
That’s it, I’m renting out my cat to make money. KITTEN CUDDLES!!!
Because it was only a matter of time till I whored out the closest thing I have to a kid.
I’d like to add any Lindsay Lohan movie (excluding Herbie or all of the other movies she did that sucked) (not Mean Girls, Freaky Friday, or Parent Trap), and also remembering that life might suck, but it would suck worse in jail.
Um so most of my weekends involve not wearing pants…but seriously great advice Lady. I’m still so shocked, I’m sure you’re more shocked but after your mini breakdown you will feel better. LOVE you!!!
I’m still annoyingly disappointed for you as well.
All very good advice. Especially cuddling cats. Push through the allergies people, it’s worth it!
i love you. if you want, i’m only 5 blocks away, “working” from home, and eating mint chocolate chip ice cream out of the carton. my couch has a free spot on it for you.
ok, you can have the other couch. this one is mine.
I’m still in utter denial and am holding out hope for a surprise twist 6th contestant (ie; you). Seriously.
I’ve seen two of those movies on that list… and you’re absolutely correct.
I agree with everything except the cuddling cats part not because I don’t love them but because I can’t breathe around them and Epi-Pens are just no Fun. However, I will substitute my cuddly dog for a cat.
If you want a really awful movie to mock (or be annoyed that it’s even in existence) try ” Men Seeking Women.” It’s one of Will Ferrell’s first movies EVER and it’s AWFUL. Not as awful as the tv-channel-who-shall-not-be-named but still awful.
Yes! Always say “tomorrow.”
So much truth.
do I HAVE TO be going through something bad to follow this.. lol
It still blows, but I’m glad you were able to find some consolation in bad cinema. it’s gotten me through so much!
You might want to look into crack.
OMG! NOT FRED!!!! He looked so healthy… for a hamster…. I think…
I have completely inappropriate crushes on both Zac Efron and Percy Jackson’s Logan Lerman, so following your prescription would conflict with my usual start-feeling-better routine of thinking to myself, repeatedly: “Eh, could be worse. At least I’m not, like, a pedophile.” Fail.
And wonderful blog friends!!!
I’m a dog person. I’M SORRY. I just am. They’re so much easier to spoon than cats!
Love this post! haha Pants are SO overrated. Hang in there!
I find that eating really shitty food and swearing a lot are my favorite two on the list. Sadly, I have a favorite two things to do when shit happens. Ugh.
La Belette Rouge wrote my favorite misery list ever. I can’t find it on the latest version of her blog but luckily I posted it on mine! http://wendybrandes.com/blog/2008/07/au-revoir-weasel/
This is the absolute perfect prescription. Cats and crappy movies are MUSTS. And totally with you – Percy Jackson was a pleasant surprise. If only for the fact that Pierce Brosnan was half goat
When I am dealing with something, I eat lots and lots of mint chocolate chip ice cream. The green kind. It has to be green. I mean, who can deal with a loss without artificial coloring?
All excellent ideas. I just adopted my own furry asshol … er, kitten … and he is good at cuddling, when he is not biting and climbing the curtains. But he does provide good company when sad, the biting distracts me from life crisis of moment. Thanks for the laugh!
Love you Lilu! The cats may not appreciate it right now, but one day, they’ll realize you did it out of love. Or not…cats hold grudges…I’d spoil them real quick if I were you…you might be the victim of a late-night pounce’n'bounce….
Our 3 yr old hamster died last week. It took me half a chocolate cake and an entire container of Ben & Jerry’s, plus some major puppy time to get over it.
Then 5 pounds later I realized I was a few days away from being dragged to Hubby’s 20th high school reunion. fail.
Agreed. Add some extra darkness in there for good measure. I NEVER want to see the sunlight when I’m peeved/sad/irritated/etc.
Take your time to re-coop…eat all the crap you want…drink what you want and how much you want. That’s what I love about animals-they never say no to a good cuddle fest.
Seriously hon, lay back, eat, drink, watch movies till your eyes melt. The internet will take care of all the bitterness, sarcasm, rage towards MTV for you.
I hope the hamster is all you lost. And if you really loved him, have his hide tanned and made into a gearshift cover for your car. Just slide the gearshift up his ass and down over the shaft and he can be there upright looking at you while you drive. And that video…I was going out for a hamburger but yuck.
I do not think it is a coincidence at all that neither of us thought it necessary to shower during the same weekend as Comic Con. We’re meant to be there.
Dear Love Chicken, Love the post…but 48 Hours? I’d have to have a week….but just think….they are the LOSERS…not you.
Also, you forgot looking at People of Walmart and thanking the sweet baby Jesus that you are not them….at least in public. (Or is that just me that fits into that category at home?) And just think…you could be like me saying, “Quit throwing the cat at your sister,” “Quit licking the carpet where you chose to spill your juice,” all while watching endless hours of PBS Kids and Disney.
We love you, your face, your cats……don’t dwell too long love……I’m guessing this is leading to bigger and better things.
I am so sorry you didn’t get the gig, but it is their loss!
On the plus side of things, more of you for all of us out here, and it really is all about us…
“Don’t look directly into the bloat”…I love you too much to see you like this. This is totally a Ruben Studdard/Clay Aiken deal. The winner turns to gospel music and goes no where (well maybe in God’s eyes) and the runner up gets a music deal and questions their sexuality. Okay so maybe it isn’t exactly the same. But like Wendy, I think you’re up to bigger things.
I hope this list wasn’t created through experience.
I still cannot freaking believe it…. Ugh! Stupid MTV.
You did a damned good job and you should be proud. I saw the finalists. None of them were near what you are. MTV should hang their heads in shame.
If you were near me I would have let you borrow my little terrier. She gives great puppy cuddles and the vets actually fight over who gets to see her at check up time. No shit. http://i435.photobucket.com/albums/qq76/watertruth/DSC01104.jpg
Ughhh. Do whatever it takes to make you happy, you deserve it.
Awww….
But a 48 hour recovery time is very impressive. We all knew you’d bounce right back.
Those are all excellent techniques and ones I have used often in my almost 30 years. Might I add: find a comfy pair of sweats and wear them for a week straight. Stop brushing your hair and pile it into a rat’s nest on top of your head. Invest your life saving in Ben & Jerry’s.
*hugs*
I still think you got robbed! You will always be *my* MTV Twitter Jockey.
Well, I lost my job last year and I pretty much did everything on your list, minus the cats. Letting yourself get to that super-low, pathetic place actually helps. But yeah, it shouldn’t last more than 48 hours because then you’ll just be a smelly fatty who can’t zip up her jeans!
Sooo glad I’m not the only one to use “romantical.”
LOL
*e-hugs*
Even if you didn’t get chosen, you’re still the Twitter Jockey in my book.
…MTV sucks!
*ahem* I am definitely not wearing pants right now.
And totally unrelated, Mall Cop was filmed at the mall we shopped at when we lived in Massachusetts, and they had it all decorated for Christmas that whole summer. It was ridiculous.
If you are as big a Donald Glover fan as you say you are, Mystery Team should be on that movie list, especially given the twitter challenge.
@Tom M,
Ha! We watched that a few weeks ago, actually. I didn’t think it was that bad… a little odd, for sure.
This list is priceless. You MUST add Save the Last Dance to that list!
There’s a movie called Lindsay Lohan: The Road To Jail?!?! Where is that in my hour of sadness and depression? I need a copy. Desperately.
My aftercare relies heavily in Chunky Monkey ice cream. I hope you had your ice cream of choice!
MTV sucks! So sorry that they screwed up and didn’t see the gem that they could have snatched up from the bloggy world.
Maybe you can parlay your almost-a-finalist status into something even better???
I’m glad that you had 2 furballs, a great bf, cheesy movies (I admit to owning 2 for some reason) and I’m assuming booze!
I’m sorry you weren’t selected — MTV hasn’t a clue what they’re missing.
I hate to be all chipper, “I don’t drink now and it’s fucking fabulous.” but I do believe that you are meant for better things. And said things WILL happen. So cry and be ugly for awhile and then start looking around. It’s out there. It IS.
I agree with the other posters. Maybe this just wasn’t meant to be but it’s good to wallow in the sadness for a while (and holy cow, I give you credit to limiting yourself to a 48-hour window. That’s impressive!).
I like the “no pants” bit. Also, adding ice cream to just about anything usually does the trick for me.
I finally stopped crying enuff to write u …
yes i grieved for 5 days ! … what?
you are the sparkle in my glittery sunshine ..
you continue to make the world laugh becuz u are just that awesome .. your tru followers (ahem Porky and I and 2637 others) will be plotting out ways to turn this around
In fact – - Porky .. you are in NY .. call me .. MUAHAHAHHAH
Why. WHYYYYYYYYYYYY did I watch that half ton teen video.
I know better than that.
You are awesomesauce. dontchoo forget it.
Roger that, HBP, I shall start bewing evil and ways to avenge this situation. You are still our sunshine and our famously infamous celebrity character and always make us very, very happy Lilu.
If it helps at all…. I just checked in with a certain website and a certain post about finalists. All but one of the comments are complaints that you didn’t make the finals. True story. You were robbed and the world protested loudly.
” . . . And do not look directly into the bloat.”
If only I’d read this sooner. Such profound wisdom. I’ve been eating a lot of Pepperidge Farm cheese fish. Damn those are good. Oh, but the bloat, the bloat!!!!!
*love* This is a great survival guide. My mom always says that if something bad/sad happens to you to be really really sad for two days. Cry all the time and just get it out. Then you’ll realize you can’t cry anymore.
*big hug* This just means you need to take a trip to California. I’m pretty sure it’s part of phase 2.
Aww. I’m sorry to hear this!
So you’re only supposed to do those things in times of plight? Sounds like what I do on an average weekend. I must be constantly depressed.
You were robbed, robbed I say!
And yes Percy Jackson was surprisingly entertaining.
I think this accurately portrays how I get through… well, life.
I’m in terrible shape, but goddam, I look forward to dinner.
And drink lots of vodka! Hope youre doing ok! But I saw today you are coming to NYC for Blogher!! Drinks?!
Is it OK if I cuddle with my dog instead? He’s a 10-pound mini-dachshund that acts more like a cat than a dog…
STUPID MTV. Haters.
Girlfriend, you are probably better off. I know it’s nice to “think” about hanging with Snooki and the crew, but in actuality it’s probably a hot mess of a situation!
You’re too cute and well-mannered for the burping, farting, baby’s mama drama, and plain bad television programming at MTV. Let’s try to get you a spot along the lines of “Nancy Grace.” You would totally rock that, and find the body of Natalee Holloway!
@LB,
I would LOVE to see Lilu LIVE….She could take Larry King’s place.
Oh yes….I see it….and I love it. Now, how do we do this? We need to get. it. done. 
i’ll pass on the cats. the dogs i can squish and their (love) bites don’t give bone infections that require IV antibiotics to treat.. hmm yes, no cats for me.
hang in there though, be careful of that cats!
Love the pep-talk and life tips! couldn’t have said it better myself! I like to binge eat KFC fried chicken by the bucket when I’m “emotional” haha.
This is my recipe for dealing with just about anything too-breakups, hookups gone wrong, failed tests. Hope you’re enjoying the moviefest!
xx
I’m with you on everything you listed, however I’m a little concerned that there was no mention of Maury on your list. Everyone knows that Jesus sent Maury to us as a gift to make up for all the bad things that happen in this world.
No pants is pretty much exactly how I dealt with losing my job…that, and no bra as well.
I needed to follow your plan. Instead I was tortured by trying to play happy homemaker with the second and third tier in-laws.
Excellent advice. I am really sorry this did not work out for you. I know how badly you wanted it. You would have been great.
I just wanted to shout out to all my favorite bloggers. Thanks for giving me something to look forward to everyday!
Keep on keepin on xo you are amazing
ha! Can you tweet this so I can include it in my next round of funny twitter updates? “do not look directly into the bloat.” <- best thing I've heard all week. Freaking hilarious.
Y'know, I've been thinking about the graceful way you've handled this disappointment. Other people wrote in to say things like "screw MTV!" but you never did, you never said a bad word, you handled everything with grace and cheer and barely let on how disappointed you must have felt. I think that's a huge deal. How do you know you haven't made an impression on, say, an MTV staff member who noticed your character? What if, say, we fast forward 5 years, and that staff member is now working for, say, Discovery Channel, and you are an even more famous & popular blogger. Suppose they are hiring, and that person remembers you, maybe even has been following your blog all this time. And when that job opens up then, maybe they think "LILU!" and you get the awesome job anyway. Who knows what doors might open that you just can't see? Anyway, lotsa love. You da best. xo!
I’m soooooo gonna steal this list from you.
I cannot BELIEVE you just let me watch the trailer for Half Ton Teen. I think I have a new show to add to my I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant, Intervention, Run’s House list. Also, you can have my Oreos today. I don’t want them anymore.
Most problems can be solved by placing my life against the life of the half ton teen.
It’s like, not even a fare fight for the poor teen.
Did you just call my beloved 17 Again a bad movie? Heart is broken.
heart you big time lady and CANNOT WAIT TO SEE YOU NEXT WEEK. yes that warrants all caps, haha.
i’m sorry. can’t imagine how much that sucks. at least you’ve got TONS of people pulling for you and here to support you. hopefully all of these comments brings a smile to your face. and seriously? you’re TOO awesome for mtv. seriously. they couldn’t handle you, they’re pansies.
I was away last week so I’m just catching up now. Sorry to hear you were unjustly eliminated. MTV hasn’t been the same since the days of boybands. Assholes. (MTV, not boybands. I still kind of like boybands. Shh!)
“Is it dead?”
God damn do I love that movie. The second Boondock Saints sucked though.
Late to the party, but sorry about your loss (of a dream job). You do seem to have a good recovery plan, although I couldn’t possibly bring myself to watch “When in Rome” under any circumstances. That would make me feel worse!
I’m sorry things didn’t work out for you with that MTV job. (But the people who run MTV aren’t exactly known for their “brilliance”)
Might I add two more movies to the list?: Zoolander and Caddyshack.
We love you LiLu! The support you have is incredible and you’re certainly on your way to leaving a major cyber imprint. You’re a heck of a marketing machine and you’re prrrrrrrrrreeettty funny while at it:))))
Yeah, that roller coaster ride of a “contest” was a rough one. Because most everyone following you lived the thrill and the pain vicariously along with you.
I say “contest,” because the whole thing was in question from the very beginning — not from the explicit rules — which were followed to a tee, and you tracked quite well… but from the implicit rules. The explicit rules stated that it would be ONE person from the popularity contest that went through whoring out personal facebook information to AMEX/ZYNC (not the auto ranking method by the third party system. (which you rose to 1st place quite honorably.) So, everybody who entered the facebook experiment on privacy mining, supposedly was tallied up: that put you in a close second place in the pop vote end. but we really can question that “outcome,” because that was beyond shitty to have to measure reliability by a fucking green thumbnail, or whatever the final count was POSTED WITH A SIMPLE MEASURING DEVICE — CALLED NUMBERS… No, they could not even post who got what numbers of votes, or even how many people were voting, and how the voting increased or decreased. Real shitty premise for a “Vote” right from the go-get. I mean who counted the votes ? Diebold?? UN monitoring would have cast null and void, and smelled a real dirty rat…
But anyway… the the implicit rules were where “contest” broke down. “Contest” implies fairness. They stated that they would use their own subjectivity on the final 4 (the fifth picked by Amex popularity “calculations” avbove) — MIXED with the ranking system that had some algorithm. The algorithm was the ONLY thing that had any fairness… The only thing that had any rule based systematics. When you did something they stated in the rules for ranking, a person went UP or DOWN. They used a thing called NUMBERS to signify magnitude, and thus fair ranking. They said this would weigh heavily in decision for final 4… They LIED.
They then proceeded to give no reasoning for why they picked the final 4, and Gabi was picked by the AMEX “ranking” system. This is where the rubber hits the road of bullshit. This was all a cruel experiment en mass to rape behavioral data from facebook — and make everyone, I MEAN EVERYONE — NOT JUST YOU THE CONTESTANT — jump through hoops and hoops. Only then… to have no decency to come up with any reasoning to give a modicum of fairness. They just passed their judgement on the final 4 like is was…. er… um… gee… maybe already decided.
Even more sick was how they placated you with this posting — http://bit.ly/aFvx08
Again, I will say they put everyone — especially myself — through a lot of gyrations and pointless effort. So for this MTV… oh yes you MTV… I will finish typing this drivel, and continue my quest along the same vein till you get shitty ass payback…. or at least some serious negative PR
http://bit.ly/9qh9Py+
Add to your movie list: Dolemite. Worst movie you will ever watch but you will get a HUGE laugh out of it. Also, I heart you. Tons and tons. MTV doesn’t know shit obvs. They are morons.
bwhahhaaha! this post is hiliarious…do kids count as subs for cats?? that wouldn’t be scarring at all for my children – lol!
Great list!!! I’d add “crime shows” to the viewing list. They always make me feel like someone’s life is WAY worse than mine. Also, I like to plan lavish vacations during these times. Often they don’t happen but it soothes me to search for island resorts and fantasize about my leap into the “good life”
This is all really solid advice.
I love my cat the most when I am feeling bummed. She always seems to just KNOW when I need her & she won’t leave my side. It’s the only time she caters to MY needs!
I also find watching brat pack movies from the 80′s (ie. the Breakfast Club, Ferris Bueller etc) a good cure for feeling bummed…or extremely hungover.
xox
Dumbasses. I’m still reeling from this one, too. Whateves.