~ So. Remember that time I promise you an amazing surprise later this week? Um, well…
I lied.
AGAIN. (I know.)
But I finally have a new date, chickens, and on MONDAY, JUNE 21st, you WILL be privy to my fantabulous news.
Pinky swear. And you know I can’t go back on that. ~
So, I have a bone to pick.
(Shocking, I know.)
Inventors of the world? You are seriously slacking.
Sure, technology is great and all. But you’ve kind of become a one-trick pony, haven’t you? It’s always just faster, better, smaller, 3G, 4G, 18G… I’m over it.
Those things aren’t TANGIBLE. I want something new to marvel at, something the world’s never seen the like of before.
I want a show-stopper.
I want the sandwich. I want the telephone. I want a blanket with sleeves. (Okay, that was this century. You guys get credit for that one.)
But overall, frankly, I’m unimpressed. Therefore, I’ve come up with a list of…
Things You Inventor-People Totally Should Have Invented By Now. (Get On That, and Stuff.)
1. A pill to make you short-term sick at work.
The perfect way to go home early! It would turn you green, makes your nose run like you just snorted cinnamon (or pepper, if you’re a tiger and that’s your thing), and, if necessary, induce vomiting, preferably on that coworker-you-hate’s desk.
And then, an hour later, after they’ve begged you to go home and rest… you’re back to 100%!!! …Just in time to get the best table for Happy Hour. WIN.
2. Midget stenographers, a la Chappelle.
| Chappelle’s Show | ||||
| Home Stenographer | ||||
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||||
For serious, I am so sick of trying to WRITE all my thoughts down, particularly when I’m drunk or in the middle of the night and then they’re completely illegible in the morning. Horse… playing… tetris? WTF?
It would be SO much better if I just had my own Chuy following me around that I could shout things at and they would be forever typing away with their cute little fingers
3. Hover boards.
FOR SERIOUS with this one, guys. Michael J. introduces them what, 25 years ago? in Back to the Future, Ali G tried to pitch it to the Donald, and zip. Nada.
I’m still walking to work like a goddamn Neanderthal, dodging idiot tourists and homicidal taxi cabs and Obama’s 87 car entourage.
Fix it!
WANT.
4. Teleportation.
Listen, Al Gore goes and invents the internet, you give us all these amazing ways to meet my most favoritest people from all over the world… and yet, no way to go have a freaking beer with them without spending money and time on traveling who knows where??? We need a device that will just BAM! ZING! KABLOOEY! And put all of us on our very own special Blogger Island, where we can sing karaoke and have drinks with wee umbrellas together for a few hours, before zapping back home to our respective corners of the universe.
Best. Idea. EVER.
I know.
5. A way to pee without getting up.
Oh wait… that’s a diaper.
Never mind. I’ll just invest in some of these:
Yes, this is an ad. Mama is poor, yo:
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Me too! We need something crazy to happen for sure.
I’m all for teleportation. That would also solve wars and stuff cus obviously you wouldnt need gas. Lets make the fuel for teleporting carbs, so we have a reason to not give them up! Genius!
And why we’re on the topic, someone should invent mini blinds that dont bend, and break off at the edges from your freaking cats pushing their big butts into the windows 10 times a day. No one likes to look ghetto because their cats ruin all their blinds!
by ghetto i mean, scotch taping the ends back on all wonky.
by no one i mean me.
A hover board would make life so much better. In addition to dodging motorcades it would be usful to get around people on those stupid segway tours faster. Inventors are slackin
Seriously. I have to wonder what governmental hold up is causing the no teleportation thing.
Not sure if you realize it, but you just told the world you pee standing up.
We need to invent Ass Wipers. I hate when I’ve just had a nice, relaxing bowel movement and then I have to stick my hand up there to wipe off the poop! What am I? Some kind of animal…that wipes its ass?
@Narm, they have:
http://www.geekologie.com/2009/06/comfort_wipe_holding_toilet_pa.php
oh man, teleportation. seriously; i need that. i’ve spent so many thousands of dollars on air travel in the last three years…
Agreed on the hoaver board and teleportation. I’d use the short-term sick pill to go head home & then my teleporter to go to our own blogger island. =D
I swear I thought we would be the Jetson’s by now! Oh, gosh, do you even know who the Jetson’s are??? I am sure I just dated myself big time (LOL)
Hover boards? Uh… YES! And what about flying cars? And clothes that change themselves to fit you with just the touch of a button? Hello! Back to the Future 2 was what I based all my expectations of what the future would be like on. Geesh, let’s get on that.
In high school, I talked about how I wanted some sort of tube device that I could just whip out of my sleeve and use to casually pee behind a tree or something (my own kind of penis envy). Then I learned that they already exist, and their called catheters. Whatev’.
(and I was just thinking about that skit the other day. Thanks for posting it so now I don’t have to go searching for it.)
I’m pretty sure that all the futuristic movies we watched growing up PROMISED flying cars & hover boards/crafts by the year 2010. Big fat fail there, eh? And teleportation would just rock. Imagine being able to see all our blogger friends at anytime? That’s some sort of crazy amazeballs action my brain can’t even fathom today
haha pretty awesome. I’m all for the very last one, especially!
I think there should be a pill that illiminates the need to pee at all. it’s so inconvenient!
I seriously need a home stenographer! And who can pass up a deal like “minor upkeep”, score!
Yeah! Forget ending famine and war! These would be awesome to have! (LOL)
I want a hoverboard!
Agreed. I remember 10-15 years ago I would see things that I just HAD to have in order to survive…nowadays, I feel like it’s a rarity to see something I can’t live without. Any of those items listed above would fix that.
I have to agree. Inventors think they can just rest on the laurels of slicing bread and the wheel. Give me a break. So over it.
How about a pill that just makes you LOOK sick? Because honestly, throwing up has got to be one of the worst things in the world to me. I’d rather do just about anything then barf. I can’t remember the last time I threw up and that’s how I LIKE IT.
Hey, I posted about the Go Girl again. You can pee in your seat.
you went big guns. i’m still waiting for an invention to help me find the remote and my car keys. i mean…they can put a beeper on a cordless phone, why not on the remote? have an extra button on the screen that you can push to locate. how hard is that? and keys…SERIOUSLY. then again- if my midget stenographer just carried my keys around for me i would be find. i’ll just get the midget please…a cute one that likes to wear different types of animal ear headbands. cause…a midget in animal ears a 3 am? can’t beat it.
The teleporter could also be used to teleport poo, eliminating the need for bedays and toilet paper.
Those without anus’s due to horrible accidents will also never need a colostomy bag!
Win.
I completely agree…
We need something spectacular and wonderful to happen ASAP.
I think the bloggy island business sounds like your best idea though
I’m definitely with ya on the Blogger Island thing and teleportation. That would be awwwwesome.
Ah yes, teleportation. The commute to work would be quicker and there would be no waiting around bloody airports when you’re waiting to go on holiday.
Plus it would be easier to smuggle stuff. (Not that I’m thinking of smuggling anything, you understand . . .)
Yes, teleportation!
As for the Ooops, maybe the largest size of jeans diapers would fit you? Would that make it less creepy? Or more?
1. I’m now working on a super secret project inspired by my jealousy of yours.
2. I know about the hover boards. I’ve had enough of this putting one foot in front of the other thing.
Love the “Ooops I Crapped My Pants” bit…. It has always been one of my favorites! And I am so there with you on the teleportation. I have said SOOO many times that they really need to invent teleporters – install them on the doors of every build and you swipe your ID card, punch in where you are going, and BAM! you’re there. Sweetness.
But the 18G is going to be 0.0025″ thinner and 0.05oz lighter! And wait till you see the 18GS!!!
Love your list! I’d add something that cuts your hair automatically. Remember the Flowbee? We can build on this!
I seriously always think of things to invent and then I forget. Can I get my own Chuy? It will be like the year they filmed the wizard of oz and every midget had a job. It will help our economy the way gay couples have helped orphans.
I’m working on, like, 6 super secret projects. You don’t scare me, man.
But I’m with you on teleportation. I want that shit.
And Comedy Central videos also don’t work in Canada. Bastards.
Why haven’t we invented a hangover cure yet?
teleportation is a must. Especially because I’m moving to Cali and will miss everyone terribly. Let’s find an inventor that can do this.
They have AAA, AA, C, and D batteries. I want like an H battery invented, that’s almost weightless, molds to whatever shape you want, and instantly takes a charge, retaining it for hundreds of years.
I’ll be able to listen to Lady Gaga *forever*.
Yes to all of that and where the fuck is my flying car? Now teleporters would sort of solve the problem, but a flying car would kick ass. And/or jetpack. Also, FYI in addition to the diaper, there’s the Stadium Pal/Gal for your non-getting-up-to-pee requirements. Although I imagine the bulge could be uncomfortable?
I want pain-free liposuction in 30 minutes or it’s free! Oh, and at the rock-bottom price of $9.99!
Those videos are awesome! I’d totally forgotten about Oops! I Crapped My Pants!
Teleportation would be so awesome. I so wish someone invents this and that too soon :p.
LOl #1 sounds good! Looking forward to meeting you tonight…
Totally with you on everything. LOL. I also think we need to go all Avatar and start plugging or bodies into things to recharge or get information – imagine sitting at your desk, plugging in your phone, iPod charger, and I don’t know, your foot, and downloading Reader while simultaneously recharging. We wouldn’t need to waste 6 hours a night SLEEPING and think of how productivity would soar!
Ha! I totally forgot about the “Oops, I crapped my pants!” Remember Swaddlers, the diapers for babies. Those were hilarious. Actually, I just liked the name.
I would like that pill to be invented ASAP. But being short-term sick is not enough for my laziness. Maybe a week? Or maybe I can just take a daily dose of that. And that teleportation thing sounds awesome. Plane tickets are just too expensive for me.
Brilliant!
Oh my god, I LOVE the first idea! I work at home (usually) now, but when I was at an office, I’d occasionally—or a lot—call out sick when I actually *cough cough* wasn’t! I always felt so guilty because it seemed so obvious, but if there was an invention that made you talk with a sore throat or stopped up nose, that would be GENIUS!
http://www.firednfabulous.com/
Someone should invent a boss that let’s you have a week a month off during your lady time and that week comes with a free voucher to a beach resort in Mexico so you can at least be crampy in style. Am I wrong? I’m not wrong.
How about a toothpaste that tastes like bacon but makes you burn outrageous amounts of calories while you brush your teeth and then keeps your metabolism high all day? You’re welcome, world.
i would love my own chuy and to have a cocktail with all my bloggin buddies! glad you put something out there to inspire people to create these things! yay!
A Chuy has been on my Christmas list for years, but I’ve never woken up on the 25th to one.
Santa’s such a dick.
How about something that turns off (and on) drunkeness. Let’s say you want to party all night but don’t want to pay cab fare? Just hit the switch…and instant sober!
OR..
Let’s say you’re at work and taking a 15 minute break…turn your Drunk-o-matic 3000 to “buzzed” and you’re good to go. Turn the dial back to “sober” 15 minutes later and continue on with your day.
They have invented hoverboards.
http://www.howstuffworks.com/hoverboard.htm.
My nephew made one himself for a science project at school…
man i wish the chappelle was still going!
the teleportation would be the irish car bomb! no more drunken driving issues. you could just jim beam yourself up
I used to want one of those jet packs from the rocketeer like more than life.
Someone needs to invent a pill for when I’m hungry but leave work. That would be awesome.
uh, I think it’s damn horrible that we don’t even NEED teleportation in order for you and I (and preferably our 6 cats combined) to share beers, poop talk, and stuff. but it would be lovely if I could just blink my eyes and be able to hang out, without having to battle idiots on the Metro.
Hilarious! Oops I crapped my pants and the midget stenographer. OMG.
man i would have KILLED for a stenographer in my last relationship. that shit would have kept it real! I’m also down for hover anything.
I’m all for teleportation too but we saw what happens when you try to teleport shit in The Fly. In fact, you might remember teleportation was still F’ing things up in the Fly II, I wouldn’t me or my dog (that I don’t have) to look like this!
http://kindertrauma.com/images/tykes/flykidpart22.jpg
It’s not quite the look I’d like to be sporting at a blogging social event…
I totally want a hover board! Although I would probably kill myself on it b/c I am a total klutz. But it would be so fun it would be totally worth it.
And teleportation? Totally necessary! Then once I pop this baby out I would be in DC so fast to have a drink w/ you that you wouldn’t even realize I was coming and I’d already be there.
bwhahahahahah! omg, you are killin’ me!
seriously, once that blogger island is created, i am there. i think that’s a little slice of heaven right there. and who wouldn’t want a little nugget running around with them to keep all your awesome in one place. i vote for personal nuggets all around.
How a pill that would stop you from ever having to tinkle in the night?
I’ve been wanting a jetpack for, like, three decades now. It’s a lifelong tease. I used to think I wanted a telepod, but with my luck, I’d push a wrong button and be neutralized on my first trip.
Pajama jeans were a pretty good invention, you’ve gotta admit.
Psh. Who said other people need to invent those!? Just hire people to make the stuff for you and take all the credit
LOL
What about viagra for ladies? Oh that’s basically tequila, isn’t it. Do I have any limes?
I want my own Chuy too!!
LMAO, I love the list you came up with! I remember something like #1 in Harry Potter, but yes, those things would be amazing, for work and school
I love the idea of a short term sickness pill. I’d like one that causes rapid weight loss during this illness. People say I should drink Visine, but that sounds too easy.
You better quit teasing all your fans with this crazy news/secret announcement business. Just tell the world, we’re having a baby together.
I’m definitely with you on the hoverboard, but #1 on the list was already invented by Fred and George Weasley from Harry Potter, so we’ll have to find them and introduce that to the muggle world (and I sincerely apologize if you a) hate Harry Potter; b) have no clue what I’m talking about; or c) all of the above). Can’t wait for the surprise! Hope you had a great weekend lady, and don’t go peeing your pants.
Now that’s funny! So many of these would seriously help me in my life.
I don’t need a sick pill I just make up a fake appointment but I would like teletransport so after I make up the fake appointment I could go somewhere fun with the rest of my day.
I would love a hoverboard. I remember being so excited while watching Back to the Future thinking that my future would involve one.
I really don’t understand why we don’t have hover boards…or cars that fly. I mean we SHOULD BY NOW. It only makes sense…
Absolutely!!! Bring on the hover boards and the teleportation devices….they’ve had years and years to develop them since Star Trek and BTTF pitched the ideas….no feckin excuse lads!!!
A pill to make you short-term sick at work.?
J.k Rowling alread did that in theory,lets just grab ‘em patents for real,eh?
And also?Teleportation would be a dream come true!Woohoo!
Oh my God!!! I thought I was the only freak bitch that had a ‘pinky swear’ phobia! I WILL NOT break a pinky swear damnit!
Definitely need the hover board ASAP!
Thanks for the comment. Totally rooting for you w/ the MTV deal. And now. I seriously need a hoverboard.
Also, in lieu of diapers, I’ve always wanted someone to invent the ‘doesn’t hurt your hoohah’ catheter. One that could just hang out the car window as you drive down the road so you didn’t have to stop on road trips…
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