If you know me, “shy” and “introverted” are two words you would never, EVER use to describe me. And you’d be right. I can- and will- talk to anyone about anything. Hell, I’ll talk to anyTHING about anyONE.
Leave me and my wall alone.
But seriously. Give me five minutes with a stranger and we’ll be do-si-do-ing around the bar, the park, the public restroom- whatever.
And they won’t even like country music.
But. But!
There is one social interaction in my life I struggle with on a daily basis.
Dum dum dum…
The security guards.
Ya see, my DC office building is about a 9 on the security scale… meaning there’s a guard at every entrance, and you have to scan your fancy high-tech badge with an awkward driver’s license-esque picture to get in.
The guards rotate positions, so I see them all regularly. They’re nice people, and frankly, I’m glad they’re there, seeing as we sit a cool four blocks from La Casa Blanca. (That’s “White House,” for everyone who didn’t pass fourth grade Spanish. What?)
But.
This means I see them quite a few times a day, coming and going, walking past the building, etc. And four years in Chapel Thrill, NC has taught this Masshole that it would be just plain Stephanie-Tanner-HOW-RUDE to just bluster by without so much as a head nod.
So, I try. Every time, I try to pull off a sincere and warm greeting of some fashion.
And every time, I fail miserably.
I don’t know what it is. My Joe “The Smooth” Camel just fails me here; I become a bumbling fool, questioning my methods and changing my mind midsentence, so that whatever does manage to come out makes me sound like an awkward 20-something stroke victim.
Don't smoke, kiddies. Cigarettes are only for desert beasts and Don Draper.
Sometimes I trip while trying to wave. Sometimes my “how-do-you-do” trails off into a mumble as the realization of how dorky I truly am washes over me. More often, I pull out a spoonerism unlike anything heard before.
“How’s your going day?”
“Lovely day here out, it is?”
“Have a good night, now!” (At lunchtime.)
“Your sweat stain looks like you peed your pants.”
(Okay, not that last one. YET. I bet I just jinxed myself and I’ll say it today.)
I should probably just develop my own hand signal. Then they’d be all “oh, that’s the girl who says hello with a golf clap” or “by throwing the shocker. She always livens up my day!” Or even better… the vulcan hand salute!!!
I'd do the stern face and everything. It's a walk off!!!!!!!! Where's David Bowie?
And then I’d never have to CHOOSE when it came to my form of greeting. And life, it would be a much simpler thing.
P.S. Oh, and as long as we’re on the subject of Star Trek, THIS made my life yesterday…
via Kay Steiger by way of my darling friend amblass.
{ 71 comments }
I always think it’s because they hate their job that security guards seem to be like stone-cold statues. I mean, think about it – standing at the same door all day long while chipper people pass by you on their way to a comfy desk job?! Yeah, I might be a little envious too (aside from any exciting criminal action that might happen once every 5 years! haha)
I dunno… I might trade the cushy desk job for eight hours of people watching. It’s touristy over here… aka EXTRA hilarious.
I always fuck up the time of day. I’ll be like GOOD MORNING and it’s 1pm or something like that. OR OR OR, this is my favorite, when someone says, “How are you?” I 9 times out of 10 say, “How are you?” right back.
Wait, is that not acceptable?? I always assumed “how are you” had evolved into a new form of just saying “hi”…
But apparently I’m just an ahole. Awesome.
Just do what I do and say, “Where’d you park the Segway today?”
Never gets old.
To me.
You should probably be wearing a helmet when you ask, and try to shoot the shit about their “model”.
1) Before I even read your post, I copy/pasted that Tweet. How’s that for following orders?
2) Even though I’m typically an outgoing person I always stare at the ground when passing someone in the hall. Every.time.
See, that’s what I WANT to do. But I fight it, because Southern hospitality taught me I should. But instead I just come out looking like a freak. I CAN’T WIN!!!
@Miriam, Lilu…ladies, you have the most appropriate greeting possible.. a pretty smile. All those guards need to brighten their day is eye contact an a pretty girl to smile at them.
My favorite part of this post was the Zoolander reference.
What?
Mine too. It’s okay.
Well my cashier at the grocery store the other day gave me the vulcan salute and told me to “Live long and prosper.” So I think it may be making a comeback into society. That or the cashier was catching my slightly hidden geek vibes…
Either way, it’s awesome.
Lol, Some people are just like that…at my work, it’s mostly the doctors…they don’t talk to anyone else other than other doctors….occasionally I can get them to smile and say hi back…
Well, but at least YOU’RE not the awkward one!
I was watching The Hills last night and they showed a commercial about the TJ contest and had your picture up! You are totes famous now!
I am SO on the M list.
I’ve never had to work in a place with security guards, but I am a champ at making meaningless chit chat and pleasantries with custodians. Not that I’m not a bumbling idiot as well, but thankfully custodians are super nice (once you get past that grumbly exterior) and welcome the attention and conversation (sometimes a little too much. Awkward!). I’ve always been able to score the coveted items from the janitor’s closets. Yeah, I rule. (I like to pretend that Janitor and I would be best buds and we would stand around mocking all the little people at Sacred Heart. *sigh* Dreams can come true, right?)
Since posting this, I’ve been warned by a coworker that I might want to keep my distance, as she’s known them to be QUITE (over)friendly… haha!
I always try to say good morning and good night to the security people outside my office. I figure I piss off enough people every day, so these people will probably save my life sooner or later.
Exactly. Awkward or no, I put it out there. It’s the kinder and smarter thing to do.
I’m thinkin’ a different hand signal for the day. I mean, you could have theme days. Shocker Monday, Peace Sign Tuesday, Golf Clap Wednesday, and then always fall back on some Spock Love.
And of course, don’t forget the Jersey Fist Pump!! You should totally try it, and then see if they respond with their own. Also, in Kansas, you’d fit right in…we talk to anyone about anything, even the security guards. 
Or call them each a lil’ pet name…Love Chicken, Lovely Flower, Sugar Puss…
Ahhhh the FIST PUMP!!! How could I forget the Jersey fist pump! Problem? SOLVED.
consider yourself officially twitter pimped by moi. i’m like the WORST when it comes to properly networking on the webznet and all that but you couldn’t have made it easier for me.
good luck!
Yes! Social media WIN!!!
What would be so wrong with just going for the Vulcan salute and see what happens? I mean, that fits you, right?
I suggest licking your lips and saying, “Hello, lovaaahhh.” every time, but whatever.
I think I’d rather be awkward than creepy…
Ok first LOVING the STar Trek references. I am an original Star Trek girl regardless of how smarmy and campy it is.. That video cracked me up..
Easy peasy with the guards.. ask em what they do with that nightstickwhen they aren’t on the job lol..
I am Queen of the Campy. Bring. It. ON.
It’s so weird to actually “know” someone “auditioning” for an MTV gig. I saw you pop up on the commercial last night while watching The Hills. Yes, I’m the oldest viewer. Whatever. Will vote for you. Guess this means you’ll be moving to NYC
Oh, I totally watch! No shame. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I desperately miss Speidi. The dramz ain’t HALF as good without them.
at least your security is stationary. ours lurk around all the live long day. no matter where you are they are walking and casing the joint. they n ever smile back or say hi either.
one of them is a girl i went to school with that is now like a man, she shaves her head. whatever floats your boat sir!
*salutes!*
Maybe they are just so stunned that someone is talking to them they don’t know how to respond. Or perhaps they are deaf and mute security guards. Or they are stunned into silence by your beauty! or they are just boring sticks in the mud who take their jobs too seriously.
Let’s go with the beauty one. I knew I liked you.
We only have door security at night (regular receptionist during the day), and the standard is a wave and “Have a nice night!” I always feel kinda bad doing that, like I’m rubbing in the fact that I’m leaving work and they’re just starting, but then I remember their job means watching TV and occasionally answering the phone and transferring it to the wrong place. I’d be doing that shit at home and they’re getting paid!
We have different security during the day patrolling the halls. One of the guys looks like Richard Nixon and he totally crop dusted me one day. I didn’t return that “greeting.”
You should have returned it! Payback’s a bitch… a smelly, smelly bitch!
New goal for today: use HOW RUDE, you got it dude, and cut. it. out in conversation.
One caveat: you have to make the hand motions for “cut. it. OUT!”
Give them a fist bump! Fist bumps ALWAYS work.
This is DEFINITELY the way to go. Now someone paint me orange!
Security gaurds turn you into Yoda? Neat!
Also, I’m not voting for you for your MTV thingy because the video won’t play for us Canadians. Not available in our region and such. I can’t honestly vote when I can’t see what I’m voting for. Just not fair. If a youtube version that I could watch was made available (hint hint), I’d vote for you almost as much as I vote for moooooog to become Oprah’s next bitch.
Bullshit. You will vote for me and you will LIKE IT, Michael (insert last name here)!
I’ve been known to mumble some pretty awkward greetings – usually combining two different greetings/words into one (GOOD BLORNING!). I used to blame this on speaking French as a kid (where a lot of stuff is reversed) & constantly switching back and forth between the two languages. But, now I’ve realized that I am just awkward (the blank stares of security guards don’t help..) and some days I sound like a stammering female Hugh Grant with a Canadian accent.
YES!!!!!!!!! I’m positive I’ve said “good blorning” before!!! … But I don’t have any awesome excuse like being cultural. You win.
I think a nod and a hand wave would be totally acceptable!
Sure! … If I could pull them off without tripping.
I love that you fully embrace your dorkiness. I struggle with what to say to the lady at the front desk too. I feel like we started off not exchanging pleasantries and then it just stayed that way. Sad. I think your golf clap will do that trick though.
Right? I could wear a bracelet with a bell. Then it’d be dainty and everything!
Yeah, half the time I start telling people to have a good morning, than realize it’s night, so I say something like “Good moght.”
Egg-SACK-ly.
That would be the perfect gig for you. Sending positive thoughts you will rock that contest. Just dont sing to them a la Out of Tune Tuesdays. LOL.
Oh, come on. I’m gonna have to show off my vocal stylings at some point…
I personally think that you’re just nervous of them. Depending on the type of security guards we’re talking about, and I can imagine these aren’t the low end of the food chain kind of guards, considering your location, then I would also imagine they’re probably trained pretty well, too. And may or may not carry a weapon. Do you react this way with peace officers, as well?
The reason I bring up your nervousness is, that you may need to confront exactly what it is about them that makes you so before you can be loveable LiLu. You know what would be super nice? I don’t know about your cooking acumen so if you’re into that sort of thing, bake a batch of cookies for them, and if its not so hot, maybe stop off and purchase donuts for them – especially leading into a holiday weekend. That way you can be the girl that bought them donuts and it’ll start to establish a trust between you and them… and if not donuts, then maybe a cake or a pie or two? Just a thought. And hey, you want these people on your side. You want them to like you. In a crisis you want them protecting your ass… is all I’m saying. And if you can accomplish that by bribing them with sugar-y products, I say do it! ;o)
As my sister says, baked goods can break down any social barrier!
First: That Star Trek Video AWESOME!!!!!
Second: I hate being polite to ‘guards’ Now I put that in quotes because I don’t have ‘guards’ a lot but I don’t like doing it when walking out of restaurants and the hostess or manager or whoever is at the door and they say, “Was everything great, thanks have a good evening” Or they open the door immediately with all smiles and start “Hi, how many will be joining you for lunch/dinner.” Just so ANNOYING! I call them ‘guards’ of the door and boy I would hate that job!
Well, yeah. I don’t mean hosts and stuff. I mean actual gun-totin’ security guards who are keeping me safe from the Boogie Man. And terrorists. All of the above.
You’d hate me. Guess what I do for a living?
Not a security guard. But I definitely do train them.
I don’t hate them! I like them! … I just wanna be cool “with” them.
God, I’m so uncool.
when i worked in DC, our security guards were both southern, so they were super-freaking-gushy all the time. i mean, “how you doin’, baby?” level of friendly. that made it easy. i don’t know what i’d do if i had to see standoffish people every morning. i’d probably just ignore them, and be totally awkward about it, too.
Okay, yeah, no. I get enough of that in my neighborhood.
I see lots of the same people at the gym every day.
I choose not to acknowledge them.
One less awkward moment in my life…
But, see, none of them are going to save your life one day. Plus, they’re naked. I wouldn’t say hi to the guards if they were in their birthday suit.
That video just made my fucking day.
Right?! I’m such a giver.
I agree with you on this – there’s just something that makes this interaction awkward. Thankfully, we only have the one guard, but I alternate between the head nod+smile, the “good morning”+smile, or just the smile. Basically, I want them to know I’m not a bitch, I’m just awkward.
EXACTLY! Awkward is so much better than bitchy. Especially when they have guns.
Speaking of Don Draper…when the heck is he coming back into my life?
I think you should do the sac tap as you walk by. Nothing too agressive, just a light pat to brighten their day. Then probably run like hell. OR the free fall…and film it for us again
Season 4 is taped and promos are out! Soon!!!!!!!!!
That video was the highlight of my WEEK
Woot!
I tweeeeeeted
I loooooooooove you
I always think that security guards have way too much cool mystique about them that is unwarranted. they stick on the uniform, stand there like Ving Rames and BAM, cool.
I’ll take it. There’s a shortage of “cool” in DC, trust.
You can try the nasal salute when you pass by a security guard. I haven’t tried it since I work night shifts and we don’t have a guard on our floor. We have two in the lobby but most of the time, they are doing something. TWSS.
No.
Anyway, guess who I’m whoring out now.
I’m seriously going to have to make you my official pimp. A-maz-ing.
Well, what are these security guards LIKE? I’ve worked in buildings with guards who tried to flirt with me, and who really wants to deal with that at 9am? I think a head nod will suffice. Just watch The Hills to see how Brody Jenner does it
http://www.firednfabulous.com/
They’re nice! Really nice. Sweet even. It’s all on me, trust.
That video! YES. Thank you!! And I love your attempts at security guard communication! It drives me crazy when people just walk by or ignore people they see every day.
Credit it to being treated as a servant in restaurants for a decade. I AM NOT A ROBOT!!!
I’ve just started acting like I don’t SEE the security guards in my work. It is working pretty well. It’s easier than having Tommy Tourettes (what the guys on my team call the security guard who swears a lot) releasing a string of curse words on me for no apparent reason…
I’m the same way with cleaning people at every job I’ve ever had.
Just for laughs I’d tell them as I walked by, ‘The lady behind me has a gun in her pruse.’
A simple ‘Hi’ works for me. You can vary it with a nod or just a smile. Being a Trekkie, I love the Vulcan greeting myself, but some people look at it as if you’re the loony aunt that is kept up in the attic far away from the rest of the population.
Thanks for the video. Cool beans!
I was practically peeing yesterday while laughing at the Star Trek Tik Tok!!
I tweeted, I tweeted!!!!
I suggest the thumbs up.
Friends for life.
I hate awkward greetings, so if I know it’s going to be awkward, I avoid them…lol
Love the Star Trek Tik Tok video!
I don’t ever have to deal with security guards, but if I do they are always like stone statues!
Lol that “Have a good night, now! (At lunchtime.)” bit nearly resulted in me spraying tea on the screen!
Yeah, I’m pretty much like that all the time…if I feel anyway uncomfortable or awkward I turn into a total social retard…I like to think it’s endearing…
OMG I do this all the time. I am the worst with responding back to customer service types.
THEM: “Thanks have a great day.”
ME: “You’re SO welcome, hola!”
It’s like my brain has a collection of replies up there, but when someone says something to me be it a waitress, bartender, or retail employee my brain just grabs one, appropriate or not and pushes it out my face hole.
People at my local grocery store probably think I’m off my meds.
That’s a good description of every encounter I have. And people always say “hi” to me in that voice that makes it seem like they knew I wasn’t going to initiate contact, so they’re making a big deal about it. I could just be paranoid, though. Love the idea of a single greeting or hand sign. Then I could pretend to be normal.
I have this problem too! I’m usually a little shy, but I always feel the need to make the security guards like me. Failing so far. Maybe I’ll bring them cookies…
HOLY. CRAP.
That video just made my day. And after a toddler headbutts your mouth and you feel fever blisters brewing, not much can improve…
Is it bad that I have a crush on Spock?
A few things:
1. You would make the perfect MTV TJ, and I am so rooting for you!
2. That video made me so, so happy. You have no idea!
I totally agree with you. My stepsister does security around DC and talks about people fumbling hellos all the time. Apparently there is something about security guards that disarm people. I think you should flash the vulcan greeting and see what they do. =)
I’m amazed by the existence of the type of people who can manage something like that Ke$ha mash-up.
The “Spocker” makes everything better.
I’ve recently decided that, since I’m a Soldier in real life, I get to smile and say polite hellos to cops and security guards because I’m one of them in a weird, we proudly serve and shit type of way. But I’m so fucking awkward it’s not even funny and I always walk away from the exchange CONVINCED they think I’m guilty of some heinous crime and are coming to arrest me rightthissecond.
I work at the one bank that does not have bulletproof class between the tellers and customers so we have a security guard everyday. They change daily, some are repeat offenders and they just bounce from branch to branch. I love the ones that actually start a conversation with us, especially on boring nights. I hate the ones like you described that just stand there and don’t even respond when you try to talk to them. You would think that it would make their day go by quicker if they interacted with people who worked there?
Who are you trying to kid, you did say the sweat stain one and you know it.
For the record, I am totally pro Vulcan hand salute.
Everyone loves a good sci-fi geek.
I don’t know. I’ve always been a fan of the awkward high five. Just an idea.
At least you’re memorable!
I always told the security guards at our Uni accomodation in Manchester to have a good night even though they were just starting an all-night shift.
In Beijing, every single building has a security guard. It’s kind of strange. And they ALL look like statues—stone-faced, rigid, unfriendly, and unemotional. That’s gotta be a shitty job—standing in front of an office all day and not being able to talk to any of the 5 million people that walk by…
here from I like to fish. followed you on twitter because Travis told me to…and i always do what Travis tells me to do.
Good luck on the TJ contest!
Security Guards are way too uptight!
LOL, love reading your posts as usual. Looking forward to reading similar articles.
hint for security guard small talk: the NBA!!!!! you just missed your chance. but REDSKINS football is coming up. gotta do your homework to make that happen though. also, the LUXURY CAR that they spend most of their paycheck on. that always worked with me, if they were, ya know, historically DC residents. if they’re newly DC residents who probably live somewhere in VA, then it’s futbol.
sssoooo… i’ve totally been watching the next generation with the husband. netflixing all of them… in a row. and really, it hasn’t been THAT terrible, but still makes me feel like a turbo dork. maybe after this, we’ll start at the REAL beginning and see that too. who knows?