~Hey! Are you reading this in a Reader? That’s cool… don’t want the man to see you being lazy, for sure. But do me a wee favor and click here, just for a second, if you don’t mind… *vague and mysterious ftw*~
Well, well, well. How fast time flies when you’re having fun.
Or telling each other fart jokes.
Accentuated with actual farts.
What?
Point being, next weekend will mark two years of B and I thoroughly entertaining each other (and, hopefully, you as well.)
Unfortunately, I am an asshole, and managed to book a trip home to Boston for Father’s Day without realizing the other anniversial special occasion.
(P.S. June 17th? Gonna be in Beantown? HIT ME UP YO)
Fortunately, a) B and I always end up doing presents a week early anyway, because I’m too impatient to wait, and b) now he has a freebie in the bag for the next time he screws up.
Fair’s fair.
So! I have spent the last couple weeks scouring the interwebs for something original. Thoughtful, even. At the very least, something I can enjoy as well. (What?)
And I’m here to tell you, e-friends… do NOT Google “anniversary gift for him.” Just don’t do it.
Because this is what you’ll get:
Once he finished laughing, we would never hold hands again.
Do you get to "park" your penis if you land on Park Place?
Right. I'm totally going to spend 20 bucks on a fucking SILVER FORTUNE COOKIE. I'd rather have a $20 gift certificate to the Dollar Store.
Vom, vom, vom, vom in my hair, VOM.
This is a "pocket keepsake." It'd almost be worth it to see the look on our friends' faces when he accidentally pulled it out.
"And every year, we drink a bottle of rosé, do our Love Puzzle, and then punch each other in the face."
Love Throw Pillow. Alternate title: "An Excuse to Never Have Guests at Your Home Again."
Okay, okay. Clean the proverbial barf off yourself and let’s get down to business. I knew a traditional google search clearly wasn’t going to cut it, so with the help of Twitter (you guys are freaking awesome, bee tee dubs), we collaborated and came up with the following actually respectable anniversary gifts for a dude.
And so, I give you:
“A Realistic Anniversary Gift-Giving Guide for a 20-Something Dude”
Always Sunny in Philly approved Dick Towel! No explanation necessary.
It's up! It's down! It's... confusing, yet awesome.
What dude WOULDN'T want his very own pub sign?
Mini kegerator? Just change my name to "B's hero" already.
My favorite meaning for the phrase "I'm packin'."
Night vision goggles. Just cause I can't see a dude NOT getting excited over these.
A shitload of meat. (DUH.)
Um. Does this come in His and Hers? Because YES and also PLEASE.
And no, I didn’t ruin the surprise, because what I actually got him is even more bad ass than all of this.
(No pressure…)
Know of something else awesome to give a dude that doesn’t involve the word “snuggling”, matching lockets, or something so corny even his mom would laugh at it? Leave it in El Commentos!
*And just in case anyone’s not familiar with the Love Fern…
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aw man… I might buy Matt a dicktowel so that we can just have one.. haha
can’t wait to see what you got him!
I know. Every household should have a requisite Dick Towel.
OMG…I need to get that last one and fill it with Captain Morgan for my husband. Best anniversary ever.
As long as he makes the pirate stance and says “yaaaaaaaaaar!”
The “pocket keepsake” made me laugh so hard my boss KNOWS I’m not really working. If someone bought ME that, I would dump them on the spot. But a kegerator…
Right? RIGHT?!
I get my bf video games. I don’t know if B likes em, but if he does, he will be excited over it.
Also, I love the kegerator. And and I’m excited to hear your secret. =) I hope it has to do with you two lovebirds. But maybe I’m getting a little ahead of myself.
It does not have to do with us two lovebirds… it’s way better.
Don’t tell B I said that.
I can’t stop giggling at that towel!
For Christmas last year, I enrolled Steve in the beer of the month club, which he loved!
That is GENIUS. Also I would benefit, so win freaking win!
Also got my hubs the beer of the month club and he loves it – every month it reminds him what an awesome wife I am.
That’d be so much easier than just shouting it at B once a month.
Also more delicious.
wow, 2 years already! awesome!
ha, that towel really got me.
last year for our 1 year, we went away for a weekend. no idea what ill do in october for our 2 year. i have his 30th birthday to figure out first!
30th!!!
Smells like an Atlantic City trip to me… I’ll bring the tummy flasks.
I’d love to see what the neighborhood moms group would do if Chris wore that towel around the pool… Who am I kidding? His prudey wife would be hiding behind a lounge chair in embarrassment.
Oh, come on! He’d be the coolest kid on the block with a towel like that!
I am ordering a butt towel as I type this.
My work here is done.
Alright, those first gifts are soooo gag me with a spoon (remember that? Anyone?) Your list is so much better. Back in the day (for birthdays and Christmases), I also did video games as well as books (yawn) and one year I did… wait for it… A FLYING LESSON! In a real plane and everything. Best present ever.
I’ve always wanted to do that for my dad. Maybe Xmas this year…
not to toot my own horn or anything, but the husband and I are going to the beach for our anniversary, and I booked a day for him to go skydiving. of course, I’m too scared shitless to join him, so it might backfire if he doesn’t wanna go alone. it’s the thought that counts, right?
PS – I ALMOST bought Sean a dick towel for Christmas. but then I stumbled upon Astronaut Ice Cream and got distracted.
Um, WHAT?! Googling now…
the towels and the kegerator. totally going on my MUST PURCHASE LIST!
I’m just a do-gooder over here.
Seriously, that last gift is the best. I sooooo want one. Think I can add it to the wedding registry?? HELLS YES
This is why I’m registering at Sky Mall. For serious.
The gift guides are so cheesy! I actually found one on amazon titled something like “for the kid in him” and it had all these remote control cars and planes which I thought would be a hit. In the end I got him a massage chair. He got me a scarf, earrings and a watch. All very sweet but he sensed that I was less than thrilled. “you don’t like it?” –uh…it’s just…why didn’t you get me the BBQ cookbook? “that’s not an anniversary present!!” –I really like ribs.
HAHAHA oh, I love you lady!
Our anniversary is right in between our birthdays. So, we’re lame and ignore it. :p
No shame. As long as you get an EXTRA SPECIAL birthday present…
Roflmbo @ the towels that is something this family would so purchaase as a gag gift for another family member.. seriously. My hubby is not a drinker at all, hasn’t touched a cold beer in nearly 6 years. Tools are his toys, tool sets, cordless tools oh yeah the way to his heart for sure..
I almost bought the towel for my uncle last year at Xmas. If only he didn’t have a 13 year old son…
Yep, sending you a LOVE PILLOW.
You better sleep on it every night. Oh, but its going to have MY name on it. Because let’s face it, you love me.
I’ll even vlog it. Promise.
Gurl, I was this close to being in Boston that weekend. Fo’ serious.
And one of the BEST anniversary presents I’ve given was a flask disguised as binoculars. You could even put a mixed in one tube and the rum in the other. On a “We hate students rawr!” campus like GMU, it worked like a dream for major sporting events, concerts, and lecture halls.
See, that’s exactly why I love this thing! You can totally wear it under a shirt and security will just think you’re fat!
Wait…
When did ‘prostitute’ become out of vogue as an anniversary gift?
Sometimes I don’t want to know this world anymore.
Whoa, whoa. This is only 2 years. I’m pretty sure that’s still standard for 10.
Meat and sex usually works. But not together.
NONSENSE, says Seinfeld…
OMG thank you! I am so getting that Hopside Down glass for my dad for his birthday! Woo!
Welcome and welcome. <3
I love the night vision goggles.
Congratulations on two years of lovey-dovey-fart-cat-cocktail-inappropriate joke-filled togetherness!
(Sigh) … so many twss jokes.
Thanks, love!
2 years! that’s verruh speshul. and JEEZUS, are there seriously women out there who think any of those gifts from the first list are a good idea?! more importantly, are there any GUYS out there who would enjoy any of those gifts!? irrelevant question, i guess, because i sure as hell am not interested in dating any of them….
Ahahaha these are all SO great!!
My husband goes apeshit for night vision goggles. He wants his own pair badly. Now he wants this:
http://www.cruzincooler.com/
A motorized cooler. So that he can ride it. A 6 + foot man riding a cooler?! He says it goes “up to” 15 mph. WTF, oh and keep the beer cold, of course. haha
I can’t imagine getting a puzzle with our faces in it. But I CAN imagine giving the BF a puzzle with a naked woman on it. How fun would THAT be to put together?
My husband complains a lot about the dudes who have to walk around the locker room butt ass naked. Finally! A solution! I am totally buying the dick towel for him while he’s deployed!
I would just like to say that as cheesy as I can be at times, that first list of gifts made even me want to gag.
But the meat and booze combo of your list is definitely a winner.
Oh wow, cheesiness of all cheesiness.. some of this stuff is really out there ! My ex once got me this book (http://www.amazon.com/Love-Kim-Casali/dp/0810949407) for Valentine’s day .. it’s super corny but acceptable from a guy to a girl .. but would NOT have been acceptable the other way around.
I’m definitely bookmarking this post for the next time I need some real gift guiding ideas .. mini kegerator for the win !
Alrighty, I’m off to do my love puzzle now, Toodles !
The dick towel is perfect. Just perfect. Love the kegerator, but friends of mine had one and got really fat from drinking so much readily available beer, so I don’t think it fits your P90X lifestyle. The last one looks disturbingly like one of those pregnancy simulator pillows. In any event, happy anniversary, and congrats on 2 years together.
Oy vey!! All of those Google hits – really? I mean really?
Are there really women out there that give those kinds of gifts? Really? Wow.
Your list is bad ass, though. I hope you can add a few more here and there.
omg those gifts are soo corny! If my bf ever give me any of those google gifts I’d prob throw it back at him and say what the hecck are you thinking….! though the fortune cookie looks cool but for $20?! noo thanks! lol love the mini keg
HUGE.
CAT.
as if there’s any other option.
I don’t know, that puzzle of a picture of the two of you would look so good framed in your living room.
I plan to get my Snuggle Bear a pillowcase with a picture of me on it.
I’d probably go with tickets to something awesome. But now, I kind of want a boyfriend. And to give that boyfriend night vision goggles.
I keep going back to look at the towel again. And again. I’m wondering if this means I’m ready to date again. Happy 2nd!
oh my… hilarious. like, all of it. i suppose i should start thinking NOW about our 1 year anniversary (which is about 11 months away) because i suck THAT MUCH at gifts. oh well. maybe i’ll just walk around naked all day or something… that would be a good gift.
“And every year, we drink a bottle of rosé, do our Love Puzzle, and then punch each other in the face.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! People in my office look at me like I’m crazy because I crack up when I read your posts….
is this for reals…
i really admire the seriousness of the dude with the water pack on… he’s looking about AS IF he would wear it EVERYDAY… and it was the coolest thing EVER…
ohhh emmmm geee! this is the best anniversary present list EVER – you should pitch it to Cosmo and make $$! can’t wait to hear what you actually got B!
“And every year, we drink a bottle of rosé, do our Love Puzzle, and then punch each other in the face.”
You totally do.
When Tina was going thru a really hard time, we used to go to chinese buffet often, it was our “sit and talk away from everyone” place (really, for like, and hour and a half), and the fortune cookies meant it was time to wrap up antother deep conversation. So, I actually almost bought one of those fortune cookies for her as a reminder of that horrible time we weathered together.
Funny, in an ironic sort of way.
you made my LIFE with the “drink a bottle of rose and punch each other in the face” line.
when i was among the “in a relationship” crowd, i could not STAND the anniversary gift selection process. so i just bought meals out. worked out well for both of us. that’s what’s cool about having friends with benefits; when the marker of the time we started drunkenly hooking up comes around, all we do is look at each other and laugh awkwardly. wait… sigh…
I get fucked up gifts for the Anniversary because I refuse to be one of those women who gets the damn personalized love puzzle for her man.
The last time I was in a relationship, I got my b. a throw pillow that looked ultra corny like the one you have here, but instead of the gag-inducing names, it simply said “Go Fuck Yourself” in a pretty cross-stitch pattern. He actually loved it LOL. Of course, I also gave him my box in a box (in costume) and you really can’t go wrong with that. Men are easy to please:
Alcohol, Sex, Food. Rinse, repeat.
what ever happened to “i love you, happy anniversary” and waiting to receive your girlie gift, and givin the guy the shaft?
You think this is why im single now?
I’m a big fan of funny t-shirts. Like totally inappropriate ones that are borderline offensive.
When I stop laughing I’m totally ordering the dick towel for J. That is the best thing I’ve ever seen…also, the mini-kegerator is right up his alley. I was just trying to think of something for him for his birthday…I think I’m getting him one of these.
Congrats on 2 years!
That Boston blogger meet up sounds fun… I am a Boston blogger too. I think I am going to be at my dad’s in Newburyport though…arg.
Night vision goggles? Something tells me those could get any guy into trouble
whenever I can’t think of a gift for my husband, I resort to plan B (followed by plan J)
those towels are the SHIT!!!!!!!!!
I love the towels and the beer glass. Both awesome.
The other stuff?? Yeah, I almost vomited up my lunch, I’ll admit it.
I know of a blogger who actually received the Love-Opoly for an anniversary gift and absolutely loved it. Gagworthy loved it.
And I’m pretty much in love with the night vision goggles. Dang. I want them for ME!
LOL! I’ve been MIA for months and finally get this opportunity to stop by and say hello and I’m reminded once again why I love your blog…you always make me smile/laugh . Thank you. Congratulations on 2 years! And as far as gifts go…I’ve never met a guy that didn’t love the surprise of coming home to his woman totally naked sitting at a table with his favorite meal prepared. XX Lori
We own the Beertender from Heinken. It’s good, but it only allows for Heinken and gives a lot of head with each glass poured. Seriously…almost all head and you have to wait like forever for it to turn into beer.
One last comment…I’m still in my bathrobe – is that wrong?
I want the towel for myself, so I can take it to the beach.
Congrats on the anniversary! I wish i was going to be in Boston next weekend to meet you in person, but I am on va-k… Have fun!
I think you’ve got a good start on shopping for him.
I’ll do my best to get to the happy hour–I’d love to meet you!
I saw a thing on dateline the other night how a few easy changes to a camcorder can make it like an xray machine. Take it to the beach and you can see through everyone’s bathing suits. Sure, its illegal…but he would love it.
ok, that dick towel is priceless. I just wish I could access the site here at work.
Beer of the month is a great idea, and I almost got it for my ex (aka douche bag) for his birthday, but there is a catch- when it’s delivered someone has to sign for it. So if he isn’t home during the day it has to be sent to his work, which can get hugely inconvenient.
You should get him a Banzai tree.
That has porn
Belding did it.
We ignore the anniversary, and it’s really close to Christmas anyway. But popular Xmas and birthday gifts have been football tickets and a kegerator. The kegerator was definitely a favorite, and really it’s not a bad deal. We’ve had everything from Yuengling to a pumpkin ale from a local brewery in the thing.
I’m a little scared to think how much he would probably enjoy night vision goggles.
Dude. I will be in Boston literally 5 days later. UGH. I wish I was coming sooner so we could meet up!
AND this is the best gift giving guide ever. I’m bookmarking it for when Boyfriend’s birthday comes back around. He’d laugh SO HARD at that towel…and that keg — would make me Best Girlfriend EVER status.
Haha those are awesome…
Just like you two 
I really think you should get the pillow. So cute – and romantical
What you got is even MORE awesome than the mini kegerator??? I can’t wait to read about it!
I would have suggested the beer belly gizmo if you hadn’t beat me to the punch. I suggest it as a present for pretty much every guy I know. As far as I know, no one has ever taken that recommendation on board. The twats…
My Man wants that kegorator more than life itself. It’s like his American Dream.
I am laughing so hard at the dick towel I am actually crying! Although some of these tears might be for the poor recipients of the first batch of canned cheese gifts. Seriously if I received one of those breakup would be imminent.
Oh shit, I might actually be a guy in a girl’s body, because is it weird that I want ALL of those things you mentioned (well, okay, except realistically the dick towel.) Anyway, happy anniversary and such. 2 years… wow. That’s… well, more time than I’ve spent with anything (living or dead). Kudos.
1 – I’m super bummed I’m not the 69th comment. 70 is so lame in comparison.
2 – I made my dude a bacon bouquet. It was fantastico. Check this shiz out. http://bugginword.com/2010/02/15/im-the-best-wife-evah/
OMG, these are hilarious! I think every guy needs the beer/alcohol belt, which creates a new meaning for “easy access.”
Those are some seriously gay gifts (in the first group)! Whoa. Boyfriend and I just go out for our anniversary and maybe he’ll give me flowers (or an Edible Arrangement). Birthdays and Christmas, we go all out. For his birthday this year, I got him tickets to Beerfest (oh yeah!) and booked a hotel room in the city for that night. Yup, yup, we sure needed that.
Oh yes, and I can be in Boston on the 17th! Holla!
WAIT WAIT. There is something MORE awesome than a kegerator? …. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!
I hear blowjobs and anal sex are good gifts for guys. Just sayin’.
Are those internet suggestions serious? No guy would want those! Now, your suggestions = awesome. In fact, even I would want those! Especially the beer holster!
OMG, my boyfriend would flip his shit over that mini kegerator.
Since I live in Quincy, I think I could make it to a Boston blogger meet up.
I think a classy gift would be the Origami Boulder (with Haiku)
http://origamiboulder.com/
(Be sure to read the FAQ)
The keggerator is an awesome idea… is it bad that I considered buying a FULL SIZED keggerator…. for myself?
Also? The night vision goggles? See if you can get some fake night vision goggles/binoculars that are ACTUALLY a flask, so he can sneak booze into sporting events…
I swear I am not an alcoholic.
I just happen to be drinking a plastic mug filled with franzia right now. Because I’m classy like that.
Hi there. First time stopping by. I’ve seen your signature on a couple of blogs that I follow. I’m interested in possibly moving from Blogger to WP and wondered if you do conversions? If so, I’d love a quote.
http://www.worldcupblog.org/world-cup-2010/celebrate-dutch-goals-by-wearing-the-players-faces.html
If you ignore the weird Saw-looking dude at the top, I think these are pretty hilariously awesome.
Happy early anniversary! Um those gift ideas are amazing. Please tell me you’ll get at least one.
Ask and you shall receive. The Beer Belly’s companion…the Wine Rack!
http://www.thebeerbelly.com/winerack.asp
I’ve been thinking of getting us for our 3rd anniversary that always sunny towel because thats is so awesome it hurts.
I NEED to get my hubby one of those pub signs. He would be putty in my hands!
aw..benny boo boo boo…it’s our love fern!
lol…that is hilarious!! Happy anniversary and have such a great time in BTown!!! i was just there last month and I TOTALLY LOVED IT!!!! Have a wicked pissa of a time!
Danon
Those towels are a roit but you’re right don’t google anniversary.
I think my favorite may be the Lovopoly game and obviously the Dick towel. Happy (early) two year anniversary to you!
I’m super impatient when it comes to presents also, as in, usually when I buy them? I immediately want to give them.
5 WORDS:
Steak and blow job day.
‘Nuff said. Best present a man could ever want. Throw in watching sports if you’re looking for a hasty proposal. He’ll be yours fo’ life. LOVE the amazing list of gifts, both the disgusting cheesefest ones and the hilarious excellent ones.
I absolutely think you need to get him some ear plugs and that sleeping mask we discussed earlier. I mean, he gets his beauty sleep, and you get your reality tv. After all, it’s YOUR anniversary too….and those two things would be a win/win for both of you.
OR, a wine/meat/beer of the month club? What man wouldn’t love that?
I feel like the “I am always with you” keepsake is bordering on weird, stalker gift territory like “Keep this in your pocket. I’m with you always…watching you”
How about some airbrushed, romantic couples art?:
https://www.bigboygraffix2.com/catalog/images/113_1309.jpg
Great collection of gifts haha
I got my bf a flying lesson at the local airport for Christmas this year. That went over really well. For his birthday we saw Bruce Springsteen cause we’re cool and secretly in our 40s like that.
Ahahahahha! Ahahahhha! Okay I have to say I think the Always Sunny in Philly approved Dick Towel is the best possible gift ever. Hands. Down.
I see those giant silver fortune cookies pop up on gift guides all over the place and every time I’m like “WTF is that and why would anyone like to get it as a gift” and also ” what friendship do I want to ruin by gifting a giant silver fucking fortune cookie.”
i sooooo need to get the hubby the puzzle. totally freak him out. i laughed outloud in my office to the “punch each other in the face” comment. hysterical!
I saw nothing wrong with getting him the love puzzle.
LOVE your use of “bee tee dubs.” Hi-Larious.
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