Last Friday, we had a little whine ‘n cheese party for a colleague who’s retiring. Which is nice and all, if you’re into forced smalltalk with a group of lawyers who constantly ask a) when you’re going to law school (never?); b) when you’re getting married; and c) what did you do last weekend so they can live vicariously through you.
But seeing as it was FRIDAY!!!!! and we’d been given permission to leave at 2 pm for the holiday weekend, I listened to the head honcho give his speech, bobbed my head knowingly at the appropriate moments, and then made like a tree back to my office cubicle wide open desk in the middle of a room where every single person can see my shit.
Hmm. I really need to stop looking at stuffonmycat.com.
Anyhoodle, I had work to finish, and hot damn if I was gonna be in the building even a minute after 2. (I am nothing if not a dedicated employee. …Dedicated to getting the fuck out of as soon as possible, that is.)
People were filtering in and out from the party while I worked, but I was as one-track-minded as a 13 year old boy watching Basic Instinct for the first time.
It was 1:53 and the clock was ticking down. Jack Bauer had nothing on me as I furiously printed, copied, emailed, and TPS-reported my way towards the deadline.
As I began the requisite preparations for my departure (starting with the change to flipflops under the desk, and working my way up to the more obvious “I’m OUTTAAAAAAAAAA HERE!!!!! turning off of the computer), my nostrils were very suddenly assaulted by an extremely pungent odor. The scent of a sweaty man’s gym socks punched me in the face, while an eau de Jersey Turnpike gave me a one-two uppercut to the nose.
Dazed and confused (FAH Q!), I quickly looked down at myself in horror. Was it even possible for a human being to smell that way?? I hadn’t worked out, I’d showered that morning, I have no history with any sort of BO (no, this does NOT count)… in fact, I’d NEVER smelled anything so horrible emanating from any living creature (well, other than kitten diarrhea) in my life.
Just as I was devising an emergency plan of action to get down to the office gym showers jump out the window out of pure mortification, I happened to glance over at the table to my right, aka our office’s “dumping ground” for all things edible, be it holiday treats, party leftovers, etc.
Sitting there, with those wavy lines in the air literally enamating from the source, was a plate of the moldiest, stinkiest cheese this side of the Atlantic.
(Gotta give the Frenchies their due. I’m sure they’ve come up with something smellier. But I never, ever want to meet it.)
After I wept tears of relief that I was not to be the new poster child for Smelly Kids Anonymous, I grabbed my bag and checked out a whopping five minutes early. I figured I’d earned it.
Though thankfully, there were no battle wounds odors to prove it.
{ 58 comments }
I do not want to know where that cheese had been hiding. It sounds like the episode of Horders I had on yesterday-that my dad turned off because it was just TOO disgusting.
Well, fortunately (???) someone had just brought it back from the party. So presumably, it was *fresh*…
I’m not sure if that makes it better or worse.
silverneurotic´s last blog ..Cooper
You’ve never had a “forget your deodorant” day? Somehow, those will also turn out to be the longest days possible.
Of course I have, but thanks to the mini-stick in my gym bag I never use, I’m covered.
And even deodorant-less, no living thing should smell that way. Trust.
Kelly´s last blog ..Curvature of the Spine
Ugh my mom has one of those covered cheese trays things and she will set out different cheeses at holidays. Except she just leaves it there. For days after the holiday, which of course leads to that sweaty stinky moldy cheese which makes me gag. She goes well Angel how do you think they make a lot of cheese they simply let it mold and cut off the mold on the outside.. Ummm NASTY..
Days?! Oh hon. You need to get her on Intervention, and QUICK.
Angel´s last blog ..Weekend warriors With Adoption of Jane..
LOVE the Office Space reference. By the way, has anyone seen my stapler?
I burned it. With the building.
This is totally NOT related to stinky cheese, but there is a co-worker of mine who has REALLY bad BO after every meal at a Mexican restaurant. It is the onions/garlic, etc. seeping back out through her perspirations (I assume). It smells like a combination of BO and Mexican food (imagine a smelly waiter at a Mexican restaurant). It is pretty gnarly and makes me want to gag just thinking about it.
Is it bad that this just made me want a Corona?
Jaysmom´s last blog ..Throwing in the Towel
That whole post, I was thinking it was going to be your feet. Nothing more embarassing than realizing after I take my shoes off that my feet smell like moldy ass.
Moldy ass?! Bwahahaha! I love you!
Sara´s last blog ..Bloggerstock: My Theme Song
oh man… that’s rough. at least you got to leave EARLY!!
Totally fair tradeoff.
cari´s last blog ..this stop, maturity. next stop, domesticated…
I’m not even going to say what I thought was the stinky, mysterious smell. Suffice it to say, I’m just glad it wasn’t you.
Btw, who eats smelly cheese??? Seriously, if I can’t get passed the smell, it damn sure ain’t making its way into my mouth! Party FOUL!
You, me, and every part of my body are ALL glad it wasn’t me.
What?
LB´s last blog ..Leave a Detailed Message Because I Probably Won’t Call Back
Suuure it was the cheese.
Of course you went there.
moooooog35´s last blog ..Craigslist Killer – Part Deux?
Who in the world brings that kind of thing into work? My coworker brings in tuna. Bad news.
Tuna?! Do tell. Like, straight out of the can? *shudders*
Kristina P.´s last blog ..Making Sparks Fly
Damn cheese! I def thought it was gonna be your feet as well. =p
Oh ye of little faith (in my foot hygiene!)
Nickie´s last blog ..Oh, Jimmy Buffett..Your Songs Come On at the Weirdest Times.
eeeeeeek! i hate stinky crap period… but i really hate bad cheese…
Look, I’m down for a nice blue every now and then. I’m not entirely uncultured. But this? This was just WRONG. This was the Devil’s cheese.
Randi´s last blog ..meeting the devil…
I never know what to do when we’re given the okay to check out early right before a holiday. Do I wait until the time we’re officially closed and then stroll out, acting all as if I actually did something that day and it’s a shame I have to go home early and lose out on all this productivity. Or do I get up, scream “So long, suckers”, and dash for the door two hours before we’ve been given the okay to leave because I’m “going to lunch” and I might as well start the weekend early?
I mean, just because the dumb bitch in my lab/office group is of the latter school of skipping-out-of-work-early doesn’t mean that it’s a bad thing, right?
Playing hooky every now and then is perfectly healthy, my friend. ESPECIALLY when “allowed”.
MJenks´s last blog ..Like Sand in Your Buns
I HATE blue cheese, and one time, someone awful made me eat a huge chunk of it in front of people (so I couldn’t be rude and decline). I felt nauseous for the rest of the day.
It was awful. Honestly. Awful.
I actually like it, but the way you described that kind of made even ME want to ralph.
J´s last blog ..Girly + Manly = Mirly.
For awhile this guy in our break room decided it would be a great idea to microwave fish. It was awful!
FISH!? … Please tell me they were sticks, and Gordon’s.
Still not acceptable, but at least… comprehendable, I suppose.
Barbara´s last blog ..The Missing A
Hahha! I worked like a dog on Friday, too! Just to GET OUT OF THERE!
And I am a lover of stinky cheese, but even after I eat some, I feel like the smell is IN me and ON me and then I have to shower and brush my teeth and gargle, and well? most of the time, it’s not just worth it.
“IN me and ON me”
Ew. But I totally know what you’re sayin.
k8´s last blog ..A Weekend in Pictures
Why is it that ‘Cheez Whiz’ never smells bad no matter how long it sits on a pantry shelf?
Note to self: ‘Blue Cheez Whiz’ will never have a large enough target market.
In nuclear war, the two things that survive will be cockroaches and Cheez Whiz.
eric´s last blog ..Big Round Numbers (Un Centinaio e C’ho il Dente Avvelenato)
Oooh, I have done the ‘IS IT ME’ thing way too many times to count. Discreetly, o’course. Usually involving me subtly whipping off my shoe to see if I stepped on anything. Only once was it actually me. Once.
I’m kidding! Really!
I draw the line at stinky cheese. Cheese, I love. Cheese that smells of body odour, not so much.
That’s a great line to draw, my friend.
Aly´s last blog ..‘The List’: It’s Back
Yuck. Yuck. And more yuck.
Although I’m also relieved it wasn’t coming from you.
You all thought it was, though! Jerks.
(I kid.)
Paula´s last blog ..EDINBURGH TWEET-UP . . .
Bahahahahaha, your life.
So true.
Jessica´s last blog ..Bikini Woes
I fear being the smelly kid, I really do.
The fear is strong and instilled at a very early age. It’s good for survival.
Herding Cats´s last blog ..That Time I Got Held Up At Gunpoint…
at least it was the cheese. if that would have been my story, it probably would have been my feet. just sayin.
It very well could have been both. But let’s not talk about that.
verybadcat´s last blog ..Red Shoes are Dangerous…
I LOVE stinky cheese. The stinkier the better. However now that I’m comparing the smell to your possible body odor…it is less appealing. That’s okay, I was going off dairy anyway!
See? I’m a giver!
Nikki´s last blog ..Knocked up in San Diego
oh god, if a cheese smells that bad it’s guaranteed to be INSANELY DELICIOUS. the stinkier the better, i say! i haven’t yet met an obnoxious cheese i didn’t love.
For you, I’d suffer through it.
Alice´s last blog ..May charity: hip-hip, hooray, Electron Boy!
This is so funny. The other day we were having some piping issues the office and the office stuck bad. Unfortunately, I thought it was me. I got all freaked out and starting searching for some dedorant and perfume. As I had to the restroom with my odor eaters, there was a sign on the door of the restroom that it was “out of odor”. I also overheard an employee telling the repairman that they could smell the odor on the floor below. I headed back to my work area with a smile of relief on my face. I was sooooooooooo glad it was not me.
By the way, I, too, work in a law office. I understand the pressure all too well.
Right?? I think they just want the rest of the world to suffer along with them.
Lana´s last blog ..The Good, the Bad and the Darn-Right Ugly
Aw, man, who would bring obviously stinky food into an office? Reminds me of when people in my former office would reheat fish or seafood for lunch in the microwave. GAG. I am a lover of all things sea, but MY GOD, it is not meant for a closed, poorly ventilated office building. Ever.
P.S. When are you going to law school?
P.S. Can we get married? Then, people can stop asking ME. And, it will only count in Colorado, so you’ll only have to be my wife in Colorado. Cool?
I just had the best idea. WIFE IN EVERY STATE!!!!!!!!!
LesleyG´s last blog ..10 to 20
Thank God it wasn’t your feet! That’s totally where I thought this story was going.
And oh, I HATE YOU for being let out early on Friday. My boss has surely never heard of this gracious favor. I was here until 5:00 on Friday, with nary a “have a good weekend” to be offered.
Okay, for that, I really might have pulled a Milton and burned the damn building down.
Stacey Paradise´s last blog ..Rainbow Vegas: The Actual Best Weekend
I JUST watched Basic Instinct for the first time since it came out. That comment made me squirt tea outta my nose.
You da funniest.
Thank YOU for noticing.
WORD TO YOUR MOTHER, you just described me at work. THE GET ME THE EFF OUT OF HERE PART, not the stinky part. I hope. I THINK?
But yes. Dedicated to getting the fuck out of here ASAP. I send emails at the speed of sound, I can fax the pants off of Michael Phelps (this metaphor made more sense in my head, now it just seems dirty, but…I’m okay with that?), all in an effort to not be chained to my desk for one more second.
I have work ethic. I ethic to leave on time.
Or something.
Nasttttyyy… just glad it wasn’t you lady!! lol
Great story though…
You and me both!
Ams´s last blog ..Thank goodness Monday started off good…
I was thinking this whole time that it was going to be your feet. Not that I would know what that’s like or anything. *cough* Cheap shoes can do that to a girl.
You, me, and Payless are all well aware…
Summer´s last blog ..Good Bye Ice Cream
Cheese that smells that way when it is “fresh” should clearly be avoided at all costs. And it appears that most people didn’t eat it since it was stanking up your desk. Nasty.
At least someone has the presence of mind to throw it out. Can you imagine if I came in today and it was STILL THERE?!?!
Kellie´s last blog ..Gadzooks! When did I get old?
I had that problem the other day at work. I thought I’d forgotten to put on deodorant. It turns out, that particular area of campus just smells like unwashed college student! :p
Hope´s last blog ..The One Thing I Didn’t Do This Weekend…
No no no my sweet. You’re the pretty girl, not the smelly kid.
And I am a stinky cheese hater. I don’t care if it makes me unsophisticated. Ick.
Lemon Gloria´s last blog ..I never wanna hear you say I want it that way
Thank Jebus it was the cheese! I’ve had moments like that as well…usually it’s something else. Never has it been cheese, though. Hmmm…
Kim´s last blog ..Random Thoughts
You mean you didn’t try some cheese? Stinky cheese is supposed to be a delicacy. I would have wrapped it up and taken it home for future pranks.
Mike´s last blog ..The Truth of Water
I would have have found who brought the cheese and snuck it in their desk drawer to fester for the weekend. Jerks. Glad it wasn’t you, though!
Phew! Unfortunately, whenever I smell something funky and think it might be ME, it usually is. Yup, I’m the girl who sometimes *forgets* to apply deodrant before a nice sweaty 45-minute treadmill run. Sex-y.
http://www.firednfabulous.blogspot.com
Dude, Stuffonmycat.com is addictive. Thingsthataredoingit.com is even better
Marian Schembari´s last blog ..8 Reasons No One’s Following You On Twitter
did you check under your desk for a dead cat? because on hoarders there was two under a trash heap in a ladies house.
its perfectly normal, so it could be what you smelled.
I have never heard of that website, stuff on my cat! lol it’s like lolcat junior. Love it!
Kelsey´s last blog ..Turning point
It’s been far too long since I watched Basic Instinct…
Mo “Mad Dog” Stoneskin´s last blog ..John Smith and the Blue Mackintosh
Hubs: How’s the cheese?
Me: Footy. Reeeeeeally footy. With maybe a sock still on.
Hubs: So, you like it.
Me: Yeah.
L A Cochran´s last blog .."Just walk away" –Kelly Clarkson
Yah, brie. I was just talking to someone the other day about how I can’t stand the stuff cause it smells like a forgotten gym sock in a locker after summer break. Nasty.
Alyxherself´s last blog ..Treat yourself to the funny.
P.U. the french sure can make some stank cheese. my last boyfriend used to bring home the most rank cheese. i couldn’t even be in the same room w/that cheese!
drollgirl´s last blog ..Skirt the Issue
“I was as one-track-minded as a 13 year old boy watching Basic Instinct for the first time.”
So dead-on. That was an epic level of focus.
I love cheese, but if it smells like a locker room, forget it. Props for heading out early – my co-workers and I once organized staggered departure times from our work – when booze is a-calling, there’s no sense in spending time dicking around at your desk
Citygal´s last blog ..When cab rides “blow”
I love me some cheese but I draw the line at anything stinkier than blue. I just don’t think my gag reflex has that much control.
Thanks for visiting today.
Michele´s last blog ..RTT – 10 reasons why I have to keep this short.
You are an excellent writer and very funny too. Loved the Basic Instinct comment – so true!
Glad it was the cheese and not you.
Pam´s last blog ..Spicy Oatmeal Crisps
Just remember, there are too many things that smell like feet. Worse yet,…there are even things that taste like feet (not that I’d know.)
The same thing happened to me once. I thought i smelled really bad, but really i just had poo on the bottom of my show. Happened twice actually. I’m a sad case.
carissa´s last blog ..My “AHHHHHHHHH (HANDS ON CHEEKS)” Week.
A lot of people think the worse smelling cheese is, the better tasting it is too!
I don’t know how you can EAT something that smells so bad!
ROFL! I can’t do anything but laugh right now. You’ve ninja’d my brain.
Veronica´s last blog ..Halfway Through The Year
Lol hilarious!
Unfortunately I DO suffer from BO….I’ve weird sweat that reacts terribly with nearly all materials and perfumes and body washes and there’s this horrible icky alsmot chemically smell so I have to shower a lot….TMI?….your welcome!
Hermia´s last blog ..An academic *cough* investigation into the societal obsession with Twilight despite it being technically shit
haha, could you even imagine if the funky smell was YOU? it would have made this story a wee bit more entertaining for me, but a lot more sucky {and stinky} for you. three cheers to NOT being the smelly kid in the office.
mmm, and office space, classic flick, nice reference.
ha! I love the image of you leaning towards the door, half an eye on the clock while TPS-reporting furiously. Awesome! And the Basic Instinct pic/ref is the best!
spleeness´s last blog ..This week’s letters in my head
I had a similar moment over the weekend when I was in this lady’s house and I smelled a whiff of pee and I immediately thought of my vajayjay but thankfully it wasn’t me…it was her cat.
Wonderful´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesdays: NYC
Ugh. Thankfully Ive never smelled ANYTHING that bad. I cant begin to imagine stinky cheese like that!
meleah rebeccah´s last blog ..Doing Things Differently – My Week In Review – [Part Seventeen]
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