For some inexplicable reason, there are those of you out there who would have me tell you what to do with your life.
I find this completely baffling, entirely awesome, and am ready and willing for the challenge.
Therefore, I give you what may be installment #1 of a Clusterfuck of Advice from LiLu & B.
Dear Lilu,
My dating life is… complicated. Add that to a habit of sabotaging myself and you’ll have a lovely string of wonderful, kind, and just not for me men in my wake.
However, there is a someone. We’ll call him by his call sign: Token. Now, I have known Token since high school when he was sweet, geeky, and too shy to ever ask a girl out. Four years at the Naval Academy followed by pilot training (hence the name Token), he is still sweet, geeky, but wildly outgoing. As a military brat I cannot help but be drawn to men in uniform and it turns out pilots often don’t wear anything under the jump suit. (Think about that the next time you watch Top Gun.)
We’ve been mutually interested in each other for nearly eight years, but the timing never really worked out. However, it seems the universe has finally decided to align and given us the chance to try this thing out in July.
There’s just one teeny problem.
He grunts.
You know, during the s. e. x… he grunts. Now, if it was at the end then I could totally not giggle but with every little push there’s a “UGH!” and then “HOUGH!” followed by another “UGH!” and this weird throat thing that sounds like growling which prompts giggling from my part of the process. Not exactly a moment made of sexy between the giggles and the grunts.
So, now that I’ve breached the information barrier: Advice? Any advice whatsoever?
Sincerely,
Little Fish
P.S. You have permission to post this email, especially if you give good advice.
BWA hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay, I’m done now. Swear.
Sorry. Couldn't be helped.
*giggle*
Dear Little Fish,
My immediate response was, there’s no way. In my experience, men are super duper sensitive while boning. I mean, you call a guy by your ex’s name ONE TIME while you’re downtown in Bangtown, and suddenly he’s curled up in the fetile position, crying in the corner of the room.
That was an uncomfortable nine hour ride back from Jacksonville, FL.
Ahem.
BUT, I thought, maybe you could, sort of, you know… suggest alternative noises that turned you on. Lead him towards some dirty talk, maybe. As long as you keep him too busy to punctuate his dirtyisms with the grunts, maybe they would just sorta… fade away?
And then I turned to B, and read your quandry to him.
B: She should just tell him.
Me: What, like, straight out??
B: Yeah. Definitely.
Me: Won’t that be… awkward? And what if he can’t stop? Then it’s all he’ll be thinking about! It’ll ruin their sexy time!
B: No. It won’t matter at all. He’s a dude. The only thing he’ll be THINKING is “I’m getting laaaaaaaaid!”
So there you have it, amiga. I say try to wean him off of it if you can… but the man says just lay it all out there.
They are simple creatures, truly.
Thoroughly Entertained,
LiLu
Please y’all, feel free to give Little Fish your own 2 cents. Or, if you have a question of your own, shoot me an email and we’ll see if we can’t help you out.
And happy freaking FRIDAY!!!
{ 62 comments }
Hot coffee. Snorted up my nose…awesome. That man would only have the sex with me one time. I would him for life seriously.
Hot coffee? All the burny sensation with none of the sex!
I mean, what?
LOL! I totally agree with B! Of course, I’d probably wait for the right moment in the completion phase. Make light of it. Giggle, even. Then ask him, “What the heck is up with all that grunting, dude?? It was totally cracking me up in a sexy kind of way. How about you try calling me your little Sex Kitten instead, and I’ll call you Big Daddy?”
Something tells me you’ve played this game before.
Dear Little Fish, Crank the radio or get on top. You’re welcome.
GENIUS.
So it’s important to mention it *during* the sex? Like there would be a completely different outcome if she mentioned it after a few drinks? What about after, can it be mentioned in that laying around afterward period?
I think drinks being involved is a MUST.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Is this a regional thing? (and a pregnancy update) =-.
Yep, ya gotta just tell them. I would add, though, not to be surprised if they “criticize” you somewhat bluntly one day, too. Not as a tit for tat (heh!) thing, just honestly.
Waiting for the other shoe to drop…
Yah gotta tell him if it is that distracting..
maybe she could grunt back… new kind of dirty talk.
Well, cavemen probably did… so really, it’s “vintage” dirty talk.
.-= vodka logic´s last blog ..I am a guest over at The Real World : Venus vs. Mars =-.
I knew someone who had sex with a guy that would bark like a dog when he would finish. Personally I would never have sex with a guy that barked like a dog.
I’m a cat person.
MeOWWWWWWWWWWWWW, baby.
.-= lbluca77´s last blog ..As the saying goes, what happens in Vegas……will probably get blogged about =-.
oye a grunter!? I dunno, boys are all sensitivo.. but I guess if it really bothers you then ya gotta tell him!
Booze. Lots of booze, I think.
.-= carissa´s last blog ..Jeff Goldblum and his twins can up your bathroom experience by 1 million % =-.
That totally reminded me of Monica Seles when she played tennis… She always grunted when she hit the ball so much that a few times she was warned by the umpire that it was distracting to the other player…
Ha! Whatever, I don’t think you can make rules about body noises in sports…
.-= JP´s last blog ..Post 88 =-.
I’d straight up tell the dude.
(Figurative) balls.
You got em.
.-= Hope´s last blog ..Happy Mothers’ Day! =-.
Dude clearly learned how to sex from porn and thinks that you need to be vocal throughout. Does he also pull your hair, slap your boobs, and do other things that work in porn but are incredibly awful in real life?
ARE ALL THE PIECES FALLING INTO PLACE RIGHT NOW??
*mind boggle*
.-= Ben´s last blog ..My math teachers have burned any record of my presence in their classes =-.
I agree with B – she should just tell him outright, preferrably right after, but she’s got to make it sound cute. Something like, “What’s with all the grunting, Fred Flintstone?” or “Am I making you work too hard?”
Fact: men won’t care as long as they’re getting laid but you gotta steer clear of criticizing their technique or preferences. A friend literally walked out on a girl during sex because she nitpicked his dirty talk and ruined the mood.
Another fact: a lot of men feel like they HAVE to make noise in bed. Maybe he’s doing it to “sound manly”? Imply that it’s not necessary, and the dude will probably focus on what’s important again.
Sooooo with you on the “technique/performance” bit. You men are your fragile egos.
.-= Emil´s last blog ..A Letter to All Women… Sort Of. =-.
I’m totally with the get on top recommendation… I’m really curious as to whether he would still grunt like that when he’s not the one doing the work….. haha
It’s at least a temporary fix, one would hope.
Grunting?? Oooh noo!!! I agree with you, Lilu, I think telling him outright would just make things awkward. Like he’d be thinking about it during sex and it might ruin it for him. I don’t know.
But if your idea doesn’t work, she probably should just tell him eventually. Because seriously, grunting? Hahahaha
I know. The more important question here is, how do you keep from laughing?!
.-= Taylor´s last blog ..This is ME =-.
Men are so easy. In so many ways.
A freaking MEN.
Gettit?
.-= Kristina P.´s last blog ..Hey Mickey, You’re So Fine, Hey Mickey! =-.
LOVED the P.S. “you can totally post this…” hahaha. Totally with the getting on top idea, or cranking up the radio. Or maybe introducing scarves or ties or blindfolds and casually mentioning how hot it is to see him gritting his teeth all bound up and… silent like that
Gags are so IN right now.
.-= Emily Jane´s last blog ..Intelligence FTW! =-.
No no no no no.
Would you want him to tell you if the tables were turned?
I don’t think I would. I like living a lie.
At least it’s not this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x3sOYTTxjHs
I am NOT clicking that.
At least until lunch.
I know you.
.-= Maxie´s last blog ..Story of my life. =-.
Wow. So I once had a bf who wanted me to call him Daddy and tell him I was his little whore – every time – constantly throughout. I’m thinking I wouldve taken grunting over that.
At least he said “little”?
No?
.-= Colby´s last blog ..Show me sand the floor =-.
Lol….I’m going to be thinking about Tim the TOOL MAN Taylor all day now.
.-= Lil’ Woman´s last blog ..Forever Young… =-.
honestly,
i think if you lay it all out there you are inviting him to say something maybe not so nice about you…
i would try the dirty talk approach first, or at least something than saying it out right!
.-= Jilian´s last blog ..Blackberry Mojito =-.
ha…. wowza. yeahhh that kinda makes for awkward sexytime. guys totally are pretty simple though. When I call guys out on something, idk, I guess they just need it brough to their attention.
.-= Amy´s last blog ..You want me to be *that girl*? =-.
This will sound totally off the wall but one of my best friend’s boyfriend grunts all the time, at the end of sentences, when he’s not talking and etc. I’ve been told it’s becuase he had/has teret’s and that’s how he controls himself from saying something that he shouldn’t or whatever. So maybe this guy has that? It’s no less distracting but if there’s a medical reason maybe it’s easier to take? i’m not sure.
.-= Nora´s last blog ..Top Three DDs*: Cat Food and Sobs =-.
I agree with those that say DON’T tell him – Seriously, do you want someone to be self-conscious when they’re in bed with you?
I also agree with those that advocate Dirty Talk. Totally. Just do it.
If you’re shy – Seriously – start making some noises of your own! They will enhance your own fun as well – your brain will take your cue and send signals to your nether regions and and then you’ll totally rock-n-roll!
.-= Girly´s last blog ..On Being Human =-.
Earplugs?
Okay, maybe that is just wrong.
I have to admit, I’m with B on this one.
.-= littlemsblogger´s last blog ..Rant and Rave Wednesday =-.
Is the grunting THAT bad? I’m in with the “vintage dirty talk bit”!
.-= nashe´s last blog ..Here, I Reveal My Inner Eskimo =-.
I do this.
No, seriously, I do this. Sorry if this is TMI a day late, but Ima share with you from the other side of the fence.
I am a woman, with a woman, and, well….I like her. Alot. I love her in fact.
I get into her, okay? my feelings take over and I…well….vocalize, I guess.
So she told me, its too much.
What? I didn’t even realize I was all mmmmmgrrrrrgrowwwlllyraaawr…
Until she told me hey! whats up with that yo? in a bewildered kinda way.
So I told her I dunno…I like you? Alot? It’s so good? to be with together? I guess.
And she said tht’s great, buuut… a little less with alll that.
So now, truthfully, I confine my…exhuberation…to times when I am not in, uh, how shall I say…earshot.
So tell the guy that it’s a turn on that he’s diggin you the most, but its loud in your ear, and show him this post reply. He’ll get it
Oh yeah, we’ve been together 5 years since all that.
.-= Alyxherself´s last blog ..In my official capacity as a representative of the U.S. government. =-.
Tell him! Then burst out laughing!
Ok no don’t burst out laughing. That’s something I would do though because I have a hard time suppressing a laugh.
But tell him.
Hiya!
Thank you everyone for the advice and insight. (Especially Maxie’s ‘Jazz Hands’ moment…)
My issue was how to handle this gently because the male ego is incredibly fragile and somewhere inside I have a feeling that a part of him is still that sweet guy I knew in highschool. Don’t worry, he’s a bit cocky because of the whole Academy Grad and Pilot bits but I have a lot to ponder on between now and July.
Thank you everyone!
Best Wishes,
Little Fish
.-= Little Fish´s last blog ..Boobs =-.
Interesting. I could maybe get past it if it was just at the end. They can’t help what they do at that point. Just look at their faces and you’ll know they have no clue what is going on other than this going on in their head:
“YES! YES! YES! YES! I’m the man! OH YEAH! BOOYAH!” Grunt. Finisho.
Simple creatures indeed.
Happy Friday luv muffin. xoxo
.-= Kellie´s last blog ..Nugget’s 28 week photo shoot =-.
hmmm i think it sounds kinda sexy.
hey, im single again……anyone?
I agree with B. Lay it out there. Sometimes I make some noises and I don’t even know I did because I was so “in the grind”. Literally. In fact my now Husband never seemed to notice either. It was my roommates who broke the news.
I obviously need to stop drinking wine because I don’t understand why being a naval dude justifies the nickname “Token.” Shouldn’t it be “Maverick” or “Goose” or “Fluffy”? *takes another sip and scrolls back up to Maxie’s link*
.-= Elly Lou´s last blog ..Operating Manuals =-.
Dear Elly Lou,
Actually, I’ve never met a pilot with the Top Gun callsigns. Though, Fluffy was a petite little blonde with a pretty smile and a slight french accent due to a childhood in Paris as an embassy brat.
The callsigns are usually something about the person like the guy who can’t be understood over the radio is Mumbles or a play off the name like Clint (Last Name: Torres).
Pilots, no matter the branch, are a odd little bunch.
Best Wishes,
Little Fish
.-= Little Fish´s last blog ..Boobs =-.
@Little Fish, I agree. As the child of a fighter pilot, and having spent my whole lives around them, they get saddled with some weird call signs. But they’re just indicative of some characteristic of that guy when he was going through pilot training. My dad’s for example is Fridge. Because he’s huge. And he can pack away a lot of food. And he used to play football, like Refrigerator Perry, from the Bears.
Odd, but fitting. They usually are.
I don’t think I could say something in this situation . . . though I might end up bringing it up in some sort of breakup scenario.
.-= Lindsay´s last blog ..You Want to Be My Friend on Facebook =-.
I just got a great mental image of a lady and some guy with a loudspeaker bullhorn like hostage negotiators use grunting. If they can’t use that in a film or television show, well I’ve got nothing.
Damn! That 9-hour ride sounds perfect for a TMI Thursday…!
.-= spleeness´s last blog ..maybe we all just had the worst day =-.
Oh wow. Awkward. Big time! I think I would put up with it awhile, and then I’d tell him once we were comfortable.
.-= Herding Cats´s last blog ..Just another day teaching… =-.
Yeah, get drunk (both of you) and tell him. Makes it easier.
.-= Brooke´s last blog ..What I’m Wearing =-.
Dudes and chicks sure do see things differently don’t they?
.-= Kristin´s last blog ..Kristin’s Summer Uniform =-.
Honesty and communication = key for an awesome sexual experience. When you’re NOT having sex, bring up certain things that turn you on, and ask him “what do you like”, and perhaps mention that the grunting really throws your mood sometimes, and you have a hard time on focusing on “what an amazing job he’s doing” (insert other macho compliments here)….
Cover it in compliments and he’ll understand to take it down a notch. From my experience guys would rather know they’re full – out pleasing you, and when you start to do things like avert your attention from the main thing bothering you by turning on loud music, your sexual experience turns worse over time. Just be honest and gentle, and tell him to tone it down.
.-= Arina´s last blog ..discovering new words =-.
Great advice. I know what I’ll be thinking next time I watch Top Gun.
.-= Ashley´s last blog ..Weight Loss Vlog #7 =-.
Dare I say I’m with B on this one? Dare I?!
PS: VEGAS. That’s all.
Lol awkward….I think the best thing is just to say it during a casual couch cuddle as opposed to when he’s in the middle of it! I mean obviously he’s going to fall to pieces if you criticise him in the ‘intimate’ moment, but if he’s fully-clothed and watching TV, he’ll probably be less sensitive. Also maybe spin it in a way that it doesn’t look like he’s at fault….just say you need to concentrate to get where you need to be and his sound effects just make it a little difficult to get there….that way he takes it as YOU having some trouble and HIM helping you as opposed to him just making weird noises.
.-= Hermia´s last blog ..Fantabulous Foto Friday with some tidbits =-.
This is hilarious! I’ve never been with a grunter before. I’m so bad at confrontation, I’d probably break up with him before I TALKED to him about it!
http://www.firednfabulous.blogspot.com/
I wouldn’t tell him, I think men are more fragile about sex then B said, especially early in a relationship. Good Luck!
.-= Lucy´s last blog ..The Real Housewives of New York City: Testing the Waters! =-.
I am sure you get a ton of awards but I gave you one anyways, drop by my blog to grab it!!!
.-= Lucy´s last blog ..The Real Housewives of New York City: Testing the Waters! =-.
I started thinking of things that he could be doing with his mouth during sex. Little Fish, can you just kiss him and keep your mouth on his while you’re having sex? Can you ask him to bite you, lick you, suck on your breasts? Can you talk dirty to him and then ask him what he wants to do to you next?
If none of those things work, then it’s worth telling him. I like some of the other commenters’ ideas to focus on something he does that you love, and then bring up on the grunting. “Last night was amazing. I loved it when you [fill-in-the-blank]. Also, I’m not sure if you know that when we’re in bed, you make a lot of loud noises. I don’t want to detract from your enjoyment of things, but it makes me feel [fill-in-the-blank].”
Only (possible) downside is that he might come back with something that he doesn’t like. I’m all for communication since that’s the key to a healthy relationship, but just be prepared. Good luck!
.-= City Girl´s last blog ..In like a lion =-.
Interesting quandry. I think Little fish should exercise some reverse psychology and start snorting and making weird noises herself during sex. Once he hears how obnoxious she is, he will (being a perceptive guy as we all are) instantly recognize how his vocalizations are also guilty of the same offense and take steps to find eliminate them or find a suitable substitute.
Personally, I like to sing children’s songs during sex. It helps me focus.
.-= Tom Goette´s last blog ..I’ll Show You My "Savage Breast," If You Show Me Yours =-.
I don’t know what’s worse, envisioning Tim “the Tool Man” Taylor having sex or associating sex grunts with Tim “the Tool Man” Taylor. Either way, traumatized.
Thank you so much for putting Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor on this post. You have no idea how happy you’ve made me.
And yeah, she just needs to tell him. Like B said, he won’t care, he’s just happy he’s getting some (this is according to myself AND my hubby, hehe).
.-= Krysten´s last blog ..Valley of the Dolls by Jacqueline Susann =-.
Hahahhahhahahhaha I seriously hope this becomes a new segment on your blog. LOVE the advice from you and B!
The kinkster in me says bring out the gag…
Dear Girltrueheart,
Yeah…
He’s vanilla as they come. I had plans to work on that but busting out a gag without notice might be intimidating.
I want to get freaky not freak him out!
Later Gator!
Little Fish
.-= Little Fish´s last blog ..Why? =-.
Ahh I can’t give love advice, I’m not good at it whatsoever haha
.-= Lady´s last blog ..I Just Want to Write =-.
Better say it than having sex wearing a pair of earmuffs right? lol
Great advice… definitely tell him, so you can thoroughly enjoy yourself too!
And Lilu, I would definitely come to you and B for dating advice! – if only I were dating right now
Downtown in Bangtown is my new fav term evuh!
.-= Hip Hop Hippie´s last blog ..Fakesters =-.
Im going to have to agree with B on this one. Men are pretty simple!
.-= meleah rebeccah´s last blog ..‘Doing Things Differently™’ My Week In Review – Part Fifteen =-.
Hello
Bye
I’m gone half a year and I’m missing so much??!! ( I couldnt stop laughing while reading that email!)
i dont have any 2cents to share but wow…that would be awkward… altho the suggestions above sounds like a good enough alternative…and telling him unless youre willing to ignore the grunting…i know id prob be giggling too…hmm it could be a turn on…
.-= a!kO´s last blog ..No words just pictures =-.
Maybe she could just grunt louder… If it were me I’d probably start laughing uncontrollably!
.-= Veronica´s last blog ..This Weekend… =-.