You know how people always claim that they hold everything inside, pretend everything’s fine when it’s not, until the very last possible moment, when they can’t POSSIBLY hold it in anymore?
Yeah.
That ain’t me.
I’m the kind of person where when something happens to me, it happens to my whole goddamn world. No one escapes it.*
I had no idea when I wrote this post about Liz Lemon-ing my way through jury duty selection… I had NO idea what the next two weeks would hold in store for me.
The benevolent judge looked me in the eye, and asked if there was any reason I could not be a fair and impartial juror.
Oh, how I wish I could have lied.
But I couldn’t. I didn’t.
And eight days later, I set a man, a man accused of shooting an 18 year old girl through the heart, a man I believe to be a killer in cold blood…
I set him free.
Yes, there were twelve of us. Yes, we did what the law instructed us to do.
Yet somehow, we all know justice wasn’t served on Tuesday, April 12th, 2010.
I don’t believe in God. But somehow, I believe that poor girl’s sister when she said it’s in his hands now.
Maybe in some way, karma and God are the same principle.
Eventually, the nightmares will stop. With time, the victim’s mother’s tears, the prosecutor dropping to her knees at our verdict… they’ll fade from my memory.
But to that young, beautiful girl who had her entire future ahead of her…
I will never forget you.
None of us will, we dozen who held the opportunity to make your brutal and senseless death just the *tiniest* bit right, in our oh so very tied hands…
And failed you.
*(Dear B, you are a saint. Smooches.)
{ 138 comments }
I believe in God. I’m with the sister.
*hugs*
.-= DCPrincess´s last blog ..Epiphany =-.
It doesn’t make you feel any better… but you did your job… the prosecutors are the ones to blame, they didn’t do their job well enough. And this is why we have a jury of 12, not of one. Obviously you weren’t the only one who decided.
Sorry it’s weighing on you so heavily. Just remember that karma is indeed a bitch and the killer will get his in the end.
.-= JP´s last blog ..Post 71 =-.
I’m with JP. The lawyer failed. You can only do what’s in your power.
It still sucks.
.-= LA Cochran´s last blog ..Assorted Flotsam =-.
I believe the girl too. I have to.
(((hugs)))
.-= blueviolet´s last blog ..So Yeah, About Last Weekend… =-.
I can’t even imagine how your brain arrives at something when your heart feels the opposite. Sorry dear
You did your job and upheld the awesomeness that is our country — even if it doesn’t feel so awesome right now.
.-= A Super Girl´s last blog ..My Detroit =-.
I second the thoughts of everyone above me. If someone failed, it’s the prosecutor who was unable to fully convince the jury that that man did what he did. The self-evidence of a situation is no excuse to not present a strong argument, both in life and in the courts.
That being said, I would be exactly where you are now, reliving every moment and trying to figure out where it went wrong and blaming myself for it. You are human, you have feelings, and my heart goes out to you, my friend.
And it’s like my dad usually says in situations like these: “The laws of man are flawed, but the laws of God and the world… that’s an entirely different matter.” Even if you don’t believe in God, I hope you find some solace in the thought that, even if you weren’t able to deliver justice, the universe (call it karma, call it God, call it whatever) still has a chance to do so.
.-= Emil´s last blog ..Cuteness Alert: Duck! With Ducklings! On F Street! =-.
I wanted to say something very smart, and witty and insert a bit of words worthy of wisdom and strength, but they fail me, because I hate death and I hate hearing of anyone dying or suffering the loss of a loved one. So, I’m lost for words to help you.
.-= hillbillyduhn´s last blog ..Shine on Me =-.
I’m so sorry this is weighing on you, when you certainly didn’t ask for this to be a part of your life. Here’s hoping you’ll start sleeping better and feeling lighter soon. xoxo
.-= StaceyParadise´s last blog ..20sb Blog-Swap: Just close your eyes and jump =-.
I don’t really know what to say because I can’t even imagine how you feel, except…
You make the world proud, for so many reasons, but especially right now because you knew the difference between “gut feelings,” and court room proceedings. It’s a hard pill to swallow, I may never know just how hard, but it it will be okay.
Better than okay.
All my best to you always,
Carolina
.-= Carolina´s last blog ..On Melodramatic Mondays. =-.
Don’t let your decision weigh on you too heavily, you did what the jury has to do. I believe the universe is self-correcting, this dude will get his.
.-= Skylers Dad´s last blog ..So yeah, it’s kind of like this =-.
I’m so sorry – I’d be doing the same thing, examining, questioning, reliving what happened – it’s only natural. But I’m with the sister, too – even if you don’t believe in God, I echo what Emil said – I hope you find some comfort in the thought that, even if you weren’t able to deliver justice, the universe still has a chance to do so.
.-= Emily Jane´s last blog ..My (Literally) Naked Fear =-.
As everyone else has said, you were one of twelve. It was a collective decision. I don’t know the details of the case but I do know that no matter what your heart said, if there wasn’t enough evidence presented to confirm that the defendant did commit the crime, then you had no choice.
I’m sorry that you had to deal with this – having never done jury duty I can’t imagine how difficult it must be knowing that you are one of those who has to decide on someone else’s future.
Love x
.-= nuttycow´s last blog ..I fall for the oldest trick in the book =-.
I definitely agree with JP’s thoughts and everyone else’s. You did your job. In my years of studying law I’ve learned, its not always about who is guilty and who is innocent. It’s about who can prove their side. This is why I will never be a defense lawyer. If I were to deal with criminals, I would have to be a prosecuter.
When the law fails however, fate will not. He will get his. Karma is a bitch for sure.
(((huggs)))
Yay for B.
As the other said, don’t carry the weight. Lawyers and system failed. Not you!
.-= Linda´s last blog ..Friday Food Definition(s) Maki vs. Kimbap =-.
There WILL be a day of reckoning! I promise!
.-= Adrienzgirl´s last blog ..The Many Faces of Motherhood =-.
What a horrible thing to have to go through and live with–it’s hard doing what the law says when your gut tells you otherwise. But you did the right thing in the end, because if the justice system isn’t true justice, then we’d all be in trouble. That doesn’t mean I side with the guy. I just mean that if there wasn’t the right evidence or the proper motives present, you can’t make that stuff up just to send a guy to prison.
I hope the dreams end soon.
.-= Kim´s last blog ..Week of Random Thoughts–Day Two =-.
Sweetie your choice weighed heavily on the evidence you were shown. You did what the law said you must, it isn’t always fair. Praying for you…
.-= Angel´s last blog ..True story Tuesday , my first time playing =-.
I just teared up a little reading that. Sorry it was so tough for you, but the above commenters are right – the prosecution could have done things differently, I’m sure.
.-= nikki´s last blog .."I keep my bad points to myself." or Otherwise Known as Sheila the Great =-.
Ah no, I’m sorry you had to go though that.
.-= miss. chief´s last blog ..words to live by and then a bunch of ranty rambly stuff about school =-.
I agree with everyone above and remember you’re not the only person who thought the man was innocent; there were 12 of you!
I’m proud of the fact that you were able to uphold the foundation of what our country is based upon, but am sorry that the prosecutor took the case to trial before ready.
.-= littlemsblogger´s last blog ..The Marriage Project =-.
@littlemsblogger, I’m not sure that is the right mentality. I mean, one person is able to hold up the decision. Having agreed with the majority doesn’t make your decision any more or less correct.
@littlemsblogger,
Innocent is not the same as “not guilty beyond a reasonable doubt”.
.-= JP´s last blog ..Post 71 =-.
My heart breaks for you. I’ve never been on Jury Duty before, and I know that if I had such an intense case, my mind would be obsessed with the what-if’s. Sending good thoughts your way, Sunshine.
I can’t imagine how hard that was.
Sometimes reasonable doubt fucking sucks. Better that than the alternative, but somehow that doesn’t always make us feel better.
I’m so sorry that you had to go through that. I hope your nightmares stop soon.
.-= Vie´s last blog ..Tea Shops and Cats =-.
I want to cry
For you, because I can’t imagine feeling this way, and for that girl’s family. And for the fact that you had to go against your gut to do what was needed to be done. I believe in God, and I believe in karma, and between the two this person (if he was responsible) will get what’s coming to him. Again, I’m so sorry! xoxoxo
Goddamn…..this sucks beyond sucking.
WOW
I’ve never been called for jury duty – and right now beyond thankful for more reasons. Hang in there.
.-= Gwen´s last blog ..Weekly Workout Round-Up: April 11 – 16 =-.
i think it shows that you’re amazing: your gut felt one way, and you still had the strength to do what was technically right in this situation. you cannot be faulted for following the rules of the legal system. i know that doesn’t make the experience any better, and here’s to hoping that the memories fade quickly and leave you at peace.
.-= Alice´s last blog ..paintings of the pole: volume 4 =-.
I don’t believe in God. I will leave it at that, but I really don’t. You know this.
Yet, as much as I don’t believe in God, I STRONGLY believe in karma.
He will get his. Truly.
You did the right thing. You did your job.
It’s not your place in life to bring justice to murderers. Not that there is anything close to “justice” in these situations.
You’ll make it.
.-= James´s last blog ..Mo Fun =-.
Karma is a bitch and that guy will definitely get his, hopefully in a very slow and painful manner. Sorry you’re having a tough time with this but you fulfilled your duty as a citizen whereas most people try to get out of it. If you weren’t able to convict beyond a reasonable doubt than that’s on the prosecutor not on you. More than likely the guy will end up back in court and hopefully will be sent away that time…just look at O.J.
.-= Shannon´s last blog ..Babies, Ninjas, Guacamole…ingredients for a great weekend =-.
Heavy post for a heavy heart. Blame it on our justice system
You did what you could for her.
I can only imagine how hard that must have been. And you’re right – the only thing that will help, right now, is time. I know it’s hard, but, if you can, try to quell the what-ifs…they’ll drive you crazy.
.-= Liebchen´s last blog ..Fun things for Friday =-.
Big hugs for a wonderful girl. I know you did your best, and that’s really all anyone can ask for. There is a process in place and hopefully justice – in some way, somehow – will be served. I believe in God and I believe He is listening to both you and the girl’s sister and He will make it right, somehow. I don’t pretend to know how He works, but I do trust Him.
In any event, you have every right to be angry and upset. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. But I believe that what makes us angry and upset can be our greatest strength, so try to use this to make yourself better, and through that, everyone that you meet.
Luvs and hugs.
Sometimes we do, see and experience things that rock us to the core. For you, this is one of those times. Use it to do good, thats the only way we will drown out the evil. You may not have been able to do good for them, but do good for someone else. You served your civil duty, you did your job. No one said it would be easy.
.-= Katy´s last blog ..Do we like?? =-.
Good luck, Lilu.
I’m sure it’s hard.
I will refrain from saying ‘twss’ here.
.-= moooooog35´s last blog ..How to Properly Court a Ceiling Crevice =-.
When my father served on a jury it was a similar case but it was the other way around. The young men were convicted but he feels strongly that they should not have been. Yet based on the evidence presented that was the only logical decision for the jury to make. Our legal system is screwed up. We don’t always get the whole story, things are hidden and it sucks. But you did what you had to do and that is admirable. *big hug* drinks on me anytime.
.-= Grace´s last blog ..Oliver! =-.
I hate that you keep beating yourself up about this. It’s NOT your fault. You didn’t cause this girl’s death. You were not the one prosecuting him or gathering evidence. You along with eleven other people listened to what was presented to you and based on that you ALL made a decision.
It is NOT your fault. I hope you get past this. Big hugs.
.-= Marie´s last blog ..Good News or Bad News? =-.
XOXOXOXOXOXOX
.-= Rebecca´s last blog ..I am a girl =-.
Hang in, babes. Take it and learn something from it…although I’m not sure what that lesson should be. Use the crazy eye tick and accent the next time you’re screened?
.-= Ben´s last blog ..Get ready. =-.
i cant imagine how hard that must have been…for everyone involved. being on a jury in a city like DC is probably NEVER easy, people do some messed up things here!
.-= Lusty Reader´s last blog ..March 2010 lusty reading list =-.
Whether the victim is in heaven, or the great void of nothingness, remember: the dead don’t care about vengeance. Revenge is solely the province of the living. Wherever she is, she’s in a far, far better place. You may not take any comfort from having done your job, but take some in knowing she’s beyond all of these concerns.
.-= Malnurtured Snay´s last blog ..The Rules For The Sarah Silverman Signing at Borders =-.
I wish I had something to say other than I am sorry that you’re dealing with this. I can’t imagine the stress & strain, but really, you did your job. You did what you had to do & things really do always work out in the end…he’ll get his. Take good care of yourself right now, okay? <3
Time helps. The getting there sucks, but time helps. Thanks for serving. That is hard stuff.
.-= lisagolden´s last blog ..Not Quite Connecting =-.
“Justice” isn’t easy, especially when it involves doing the “right” thing according to the laws and Constitution, yet leaves you morally questioning your decision.
You did what you had to do, and I believe in God. I believe in hell. I believe that the universe will right wrongs… and I believe this man has a place reserved for him in hell.
I’m so sorry, though…
I can try and understand what you might be feeling. My Grand Pa was a Lawyer (our system is very different from yours. We have nothing like Jury) and i have heard many tales where the victims have escaped with no enough proofs, money or stuff like that. I used to hate but he always said that, “People who escape the law here will eventually end up paying to the lord”. Being a spiritual person i strongly believe in Karma and I am very sure that he if guilty will pay for it, may be a bigger prize than what law would have enforced. Hang in there and just believe that what justice cant be served by us will be served by GOD . Take care hun!
.-= harini´s last blog ..Who said that? =-.
I’m so sorry that you, or anyone, has to live with things like this on their heart. You know this is what I think, but I’ll say it again: the fact that you feel responsibility for any of it, and that you’re carrying some of that poor family’s burden with you now is no small thing. It’s admirable, and it makes a huge difference, even if it’s not something you can see in the light of this trial.
.-= LesleyG´s last blog ..2006 makes 2010 make a little more sense =-.
LiLu…
I feel for you… Learn something from the situation…I am going to channel my RST who is truly a rock star therapist… he would be SO proud of me….
1 Write a letter to the girl who was killed and get out your emotions… then burn it or tear it up in to a million pieces.. write it with the intention of no one ever reading it…
2 Do the same for the man who you believe is the killer … burn that one — therapeutic if you burn it…
3 tell me what you thought/felt of the process if you do it…
Try it… It REALLY helps!!!!
.-= Torn´s last blog ..Eye Opening RST Homework =-.
I can’t imagine how difficult a position that must be, the one where you know what happened in your heart and believe that person to be responsible, but know that the evidence doesn’t eliminate doubt. You had no choice but to acquit, unfortunately its a problem with our justice system. Hang in there and know you always have people like me (and your real life friends) in your corner. All my virtual hugs today are going your way.
.-= RomanticComedee´s last blog ..Week 2 Weigh In and some NSVs =-.
Oh my god, wow. I thought jury duty was supposed to be fun.
Wow again.
Wow, that’s heavy. I don’t really know what to say about that, save that I’m sure you did the best within the parameters of what you were able to do.
Wow… That’s hard to cope with crappy stuff.
Chin up. Thinking of you….
.-= middleagedwaitress´s last blog ..Why bad tippers cost us money and should be shot. (just kidding.) =-.
I don’t think you failed her – if the prosecution couldn’t prove their case beyond a reasonable doubt you all did the right thing. Then again, I’m always going to be on the lawyer side of the table so I bring that bias to the table.
I know that doesn’t make it feel any better though.
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..(my heart) =-.
Oh LiLu, I’m so sorry you had to go throught that experience. What lessons have you learned? Perhaps this will aid you in another way someday. A good way.
.-= Nikki´s last blog ..To paint or not to paint… =-.
Ohhh, LiLu. I just got goosebumps reading this. You did what the law required you to do. Ain’t nothing wrong with that. But…the heart…well, the heart doesn’t know reason so well, does it?
Tight hug.
.-= Hannah´s last blog ..Taking a time-out—for myself. =-.
Oh wow. Powerful post. Sometimes the law isn’t fair. Sometimes there just aren’t enough facts. I’m sure this was a difficult thing to go through, knowing in your heart he was guilty. Things like this do make you question God. I do believe in God and Karma. Justice will prevail one way or another. I just hope it will be before he commits another crime.
.-= E´s last blog ..Letters From Home =-.
Fuck, LiLu. That’s some rough shit.
You did the only thing you could do and I know it feels shitty… keep your chin up.
.-= Soda and Candy´s last blog ..Fat and fashion. =-.
It’s not your fault at all, sweetie. It’s the American judicial system. It’s a load of crap. Don’t beat yourself up. Don’t let this weigh you down. The family will pull through, you’ll pull through…
At least we know your heart works. And karma, well, karma’s a bitch, and that guy will get what he deserves.
::hugs::
*HUGE HUGS*
Praying for her family AND you. I hope everything gets better.
.-= Taylor´s last blog ..Titleless =-.
I don’t think I have anything to say but…. *hugs*
.-= Hope´s last blog ..Hey… Gracie! =-.
Sometimes the justice system works, sometimes it doesn’t. Your role of a juror was to decide whether there was sufficient proof beyond a reasonable doubt that he was guilty. You doubted. whether the prosecution failed the victim, or the defense told a good story. You did what you had to do.
If the man was guilty, he will be brought to justice-he’ll commit a crime again, but he won’t be as lucky the next time around.
.-= SilverNeurotic´s last blog ..Henry David Thoreau =-.
Ahh my love. You made me cry. I’m so sorry. You did the best YOU could. I love you, my favorite asshole.
.-= Liz´s last blog ..How To Be A Cuddleslut. =-.
Sorry LiLu.
Most people think that they’re going to waltz in and “Liz Lemon” their way through jury duty. For those that don’t, some get cases that are a walk in the park.
Isn’t it sad that your “justice”, which was meted according to the law, doesn’t feel like it when compared to the fate of a poor girl who wasn’t given an impartial jury to decide whether she lived or died?
And isn’t it sad that when given someone else’s life to hold in your hands, you did the right thing and couldn’t take it away? It’s what sets you so far apart from the person that you acquitted.
I hope it gets easier for you.
What happened? Would you be able to elaborate how, despite knowing he was a killer, you still set him free? I understand if it’s supposed to be confidential.
i rarely know you…so at the risk of sounding emo, I’m gonna say I love you, because I can only imagine how it must be for you.
Just know that you did the best you could.
InshaAllah, he’ll pay for his sins in the hereafter, if not this life.
.-= nahl´s last blog ..Which Pakistan Fashion Week design are you? =-.
My dad was a judge for 20 yrs, and he suffered with the system over and over and over again. It effected our family too, especially when he had a really heartbreaking case. He would go into my parent’s bedroom, shut the door, and not come out until the next day. It wasn’t because he was a jerkface, it was because he cared so much, but as a kid I didn’t always understand that.
I’m sorry you felt that you felt that sense of helplessness. You can’t help but love your big ol bleeding heart.
.-= Sketch´s last blog ..Women’s Writes- Sketch’s Sex Talks: A History =-.
My heart really breaks for you, I am sure the whole experience was incredibly difficult and emotional. I can’t imagine being in your shoes in such a situation. Sometimes the law fails us when there isn’t proof beyond a reasonable doubt and we have to decide based on the evidence. I’m sorry you had to experience this.
.-= Katy Mary´s last blog ..What The Fug?! =-.
If you know justice wasn’t served why not just find him guilty?
Just curious. Probably can’t elaborate, but Jack Lemmon wouldn’t have stood for that. But then 12 people would have missed the baseball game and lunch breaks and got angry at old guy and they were really angry because they were 12.
I think they called that movie “Guys That Were Really Angry”
.-= Rahul´s last blog ..London Bawling (See What I Did There?) =-.
Oh my, LiLu… that must have been shitty. But how did you do it? How could you? I’m not being judgey, I just wanna know the technicalities of it. I can’t imagine the horrible dissatisfaction from everyone.
.-= nashe´s last blog ..In which my view is impressive. =-.
I can 100% feel where you’re coming from. I was on a jury for a man, a doctor, who was accused of sexually assaulting a patient while she was in his care for an eating disorder. She got up and testified. Yet 12 of us agreed, based on only facts that we were allowed to consider, that he was not guilty. I cried leaving the court house and I cried harder when I googled him and found that he was under investigation for 3 other abuse cases. We were all pretty sure he did it, but that it wasn’t proven.
So I’m sorry you had to go through it. And damn straight LIE if you’re ever up for selection again! (just like I would).
.-= MommaKiss´s last blog ..Running. Again. =-.
Reasonable doubt – or any sort of evidentiary burden, really – is a bitch. You did your duty and I hope you never have to be a part of anything like that ever again. I have a few friends who do criminal defense work, and along with believing in karma for the wrongdoer, you have to also believe that this system, flawed as it is, is the best we have to work with, and that its parameters serve the important goal of keeping people free who deserve to be, even when it fails morally. Take care.
I…well this really sort of hit me and I rushed off to write a poem. (I know really sort of lame but hey its what I do) and this was in a sense an attempt to make myself feel better by making you or trying but you know that poem attempt really failed….so after all this I just offer my hugs in comment because that is all I can offer you at this point.
.-= Clevelandpoet´s last blog ..Hot Dogs can make you a better person too =-.
Honey you were not alone, you had 11 others by your side. YOU ALONE DID NOT SET HIM FREE. I know that does not help you feel any better, you I know you did what you could, based on the evidence you were supplied. I hope your nightmares fade and I hope you realized that this does not make you anyless of a person. You did your civic duty.
I am so sorry you had to go through that.
I love you sweet sweet LiLu. [[[[HUGS]]]]
xo
-K
.-= Kandid Kelli´s last blog .."Groundhog’s Day" =-.
Um, reality sucks. And this should be the #1 reason why I should be thankful I haven’t had to do jury duty this year.
.-= Wonderful´s last blog ..Meet my imaginary bff: Hello Kitty =-.
Your tweets and such may have been vague, but I had a bad feeling this is what transpired.
That man, he’ll get exactly what’s coming to him. And maybe that family is angry at the verdict, maybe they sit there and blame you guys for his freedom despite what he did. But you did your duty as you were supposed to. Unfortunately this is the way the cards fell, in his favor… Try not to let it get you down. How many people have been in this same position before? Countless, I’m sure.
I may not be religious, and I may not know what I believe when it comes to heaven, hell, etc. But I do believe in karma and that man will get the punishment he has coming. Maybe you 12 jurors couldn’t do it and he caught a lucky break, but it will happen. No doubt.
::Hugs::
.-= MinD´s last blog ..Video Killed the Radio Star: Part 3 =-.
Forget the lawyers & the law & what you were “supposed” to do & whether it was legally right or necessary. Feel how you feel. You are not the law; you’re human. And it sounds like you feel pretty goddamn human about this.
You did what you had to do. You all did – but that doesn’t mean you have to feel shinyhappy about it. Allow yourself to feel the way you need to, to let it sink it, to affect you.
And then harness that & use it for something positive. For her.
.-= Suburban Sweetheart´s last blog ..Hey, Cancer: I’m Fighting Back =-.
Oh the injustice! Sometimes, law protects criminals and we can’t do anything about it.
I hope the mother and family of the deceased 18-year-old girl find peace.
.-= The Mercurial Wife´s last blog ..A Tiny Update =-.
**HUGS** It’s hard when what you feel you should do and what you know you should do are on differant planes.
.-= Ashley´s last blog ..I have an answer… =-.
Oh hon, this sounds like a horrible situation to be in. I’m sorry you had to deal with that – life is so unfair sometimes. x
.-= Paula´s last blog ..CHEER-ME-UP TUESDAY =-.
********HUGEHUGSANDMANYGLASSESOFWINE**********
.-= Stevie´s last blog ..Sole Mates =-.
I had to watch 12 Angry Men for my legal liability class this week and I thought about you the whole time.
In a completely non-creepy and platonic way. (Mostly)
I cannot imagine how hard that had to be and my heart goes out to you in every way possible. You are such a strong woman and I know you will overcome this and find peace.
.-= Jeney´s last blog ..Post It Note Tuesday: Get Pissed =-.
I am so sorry for the burden on your heart. You are a very good person, and I’m sending positive thoughts your way to help see you through.
.-= Summer´s last blog ..Sauntering About =-.
The law can be very confusing. And disappointing. In a lot of ways.
.-= J´s last blog ..Why Do You Exist? =-.
I really like the honesty of this post, because I’ve never had jury duty (though now that I’ve put that into the universe I’ll probably get a summons this afternoon) but I’ve thought about this dilemma. Beyond a reasonable doubt is a real small window. And I can’t imagine the internal conflict you must have had. Hopefully putting it out into the world has settled it a bit, and you can sleep tonight. Just, probably dont want any Law and Orders for a bit. That sh*t will keep you up.
.-= Rachel @ MWF Seeking BFF´s last blog ..A Blog Eat Blog World? Not Really =-.
Baby, I hear ya. That “beyond a reasonable doubt” is a bitch. But it is the law. And the law is not the heart. You did what you had to do and you know it. And I do believe that justice is served in other ways when man is unable to. Hang in there, honey.
.-= k8´s last blog ..All Kinds of Special =-.
.-= Nikolett´s last blog ..randomness 4A03 =-.
Wow, that really does suck, guess you are going to need some drinking time and friends to get over this experience.
.-= Lucy´s last blog ..Party Talk! =-.
wow. you did your job. it’s good to understand where your head and heart have been in the last few weeks. i believe in God and that he has a plan for everyone, even this man you set free. thanks for doing what you can and hopefully, the nightmares will end soon! i will say a little prayer for you!
.-= allison´s last blog ..Tuesday Shoesday =-.
I’m sorry, lover.
.-= verybadcat´s last blog ..Flat Iron Oppression =-.
I’m sorry! I’ve never served jury duty, but I have experienced supporting a friend who had to deal with a murder of a family member, and I know it is hard! Hopefully in the end, be it by God or karma or whatever, justice will be served
Ugh- I know how you feel. I was in a similiar situation last year in jury duty. A woman was accused of neglect and homicide of her elderly, terminally ill mother. And we found her not guilty. The only way we could all justify it was that she tried to take care of her mother the best she could but definitely not the way any of us jurors would. The law is the law. I have run into other members of my jury and they all still seem bothered by it like I am. It’s tough but it does get easier.
The system sucks.
.-= Ink Spiller´s last blog ..Fair Warning – Take the Hint =-.
Uhg.
I don’t believe in God either but I believe you tried.
i believe in karma though; his day will come when the universe strikes back
.-= michelle´s last blog ..look at me =-.
ugh i can’t even begin to imagine how you or anyone else involved with this case feels but i think the sister is right and i’d like to think that karma or some higher being will make it all right, or as right as it can be.
.-= katelin´s last blog ..Fun times weekend. =-.
Love, no matter how much you fret, you did what was required of you and sometimes — that is the thing that haunts us the most. The outcome is not what we desired and we worry about the effect.
I know you have a good heart, and that mofo will get his. The universe watches out for the good and gives the bad quite the hell of a time there. You’ll be just fine, love. You’re awesome.
.-= siovhan´s last blog ..ruler for a day: fellow behind the scenes tv-er =-.
That must suck so hard! My hubby had to set a guy (a priest) accused of molesting a girl free on jury duty once.
Tough stuff. It was like there was so much evidence there, but one technicality got in the way because it had happened years before and she didn’t get one tiny piece of her memory right – so he got away with it. It had taken her ALL those years to get the courage to take him to court too
Hope you feel better soon. You just had to follow the letter of the law which is just not always fair. It’s not your fault.
.-= Kez´s last blog ..Another sporadic (un)fitness update. =-.
Karma will get that guy. It will.
I am so sad for you. It isn’t fair that you have to carry this burden. I wish I could make it go away. What bothers me the most is that you are so sure that this man was guilty but the evidence wasn’t there to convict. It isn’t right. It’s definitely the lawyer who gets the blame, not you. You couldn’t have done anything differently, or you would have.
I am thinking of you. I’m sad with you. But, you can’t let this keep you down. You have too much good to share with the world.
I know we’re not used to hearing the serious stuff here, but we’re all here for you. I’m sorry you had to go through that. *hugs*
as someone who was not chosen for jury duty due to the fact that I shared my strong feelings about the case at hand during the selection process (seriously, I couldn’t help myself), I can’t even begin to imagine all of the emotional rollercoastering your heart and brain must be enduring.
lots of hugs for you, my dear.
.-= thatShortChick´s last blog ..I wish I could blame my absence on the nice weather =-.
Sending hugs and hoping you find your peace with this.
.-= Michelle Pixie´s last blog ..Babble From The Other Side {of the fence} =-.
I’m pretty sure I found the article about the case. Given what was written in the article, I can see how there was “reasonable doubt”.
It’s never easy when you are faced with a disparity between what your gut tells you is right and “doing the right thing”.
I believe, though, should you ever have jury duty again (which I hope you don’t, after this experience) you now have a solid reason to give that may excuse you “Your Honor, last time I served on a jury I was fair and impartial but had a very hard time living with the fact that I did not believe that justice was truly served. I do not know if I could do the same again.” (“and here’s a petition signed by the readers of my blog who don’t want me ending up in an asylum if I’m made to serve on a jury again”) Maybe just the fact that you blog might do it…
I wish you peace, my friend. And sincerely hope that the nightmares that haunt you now will haunt the perpetrator the rest of his life.
.-= MsDarkstar´s last blog ..Perception does not always equal reality… =-.
I’m so sorry you had to go through this. Hang in there, and thanks for such a genuine post
.-= Herding Cats´s last blog ..When Life Explodes, Remember to Duck & Cover =-.
What an awful thing to have to go through. It really sucks when the justice system allows things like this to happen. I’m sure there was not a lot you could do about the way things went in this particular case, which probably makes it even more frustrating.
.-= Cyndy´s last blog ..What I Will Miss the Most =-.
I can’t say anything more intelligent or helpful than anyone above me has so just know that I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe in God, although it’s been YEARS since I’ve gone to church, and that man will get what is coming to him. As a very wise JT once sang “What goes around comes around”. Oh yeah.
Luvs. xoxo
Dear Lilu,
Were you impartial and fair?
Then you did the right thing.
If I knew you better, I’d probably make you mac and cheese (southern people, we can’t resist giving people food) and hug you because it sounds like you need it.
As a complete stranger, I’m proud of you.
Sincerely,
Little Fish
Oh hun, you did your job based on what was presented to you. But I know it’s hard so I send giant hugs to you.
Sorry man. The same exact thing happened to me the one and only time I did jury duty. We found some utter fucking bastard not guilty too, purely because there was no substantial physical evidence proving beyond a reasonable doubt, otherwise, although everyone in that court room knew he was guilty as sin. It’s all you can do though. If the evidence isn’t there you can’t say otherwise. It’s so depressing. But you did your job. It wasn’t to find some guy guilty or not, it was to find a verdict based on evidence and clearly it was lacking. It’s soul destroying, but it happens all the time. You did what you were asked to do properly.
.-= Vegetable Assassin´s last blog ..Summer is Coming to a Brain Near You =-.
This is one of the many reasons I hope to never be called for jury duty. I don’t think failed anybody though. You made the correct decision based on the facts presented. That’s the law. I just sucks that the law worked out for the wrong party. I’m sorry you had to go through that.
.-= OG´s last blog ..Ready Already =-.
Sweetheart I had no idea you were doing all this. Or if I had some idea, I forgot. Either way, sorry to read this but glad that B has lived up to his reputation as a saint.
.-= Mo “Mad Dog” Stoneskin´s last blog ..Someone, somewhere, is watching you =-.
I’m so sorry. That is a horrible feeling
I don’t think I can really add anything that anyone above hasn’t already said but, please accept my *virtual hugs* from all the way up in Canada!
.-= Skinny Dip´s last blog ..29 Things you Should Know About Me =-.
I’m so sorry you had to go through this.
Yowza girl, I’m sorry you had to deal with that. I can’t even imagine how awful that must have been.
.-= Candice´s last blog ..Three-Line Book Review: “On Writing” by Stephen King =-.
Gawd hun that must have been so hard. I got called for a man who was accused of triple homicide and was scared shitless! I would have never gotten picked b/c my mom’s an attorney and I work for her, but I have to say I was relieved that they had to cancel and call a new jury. I have seen some very good (and nice) attorney’s get some very bad guys off. I can’t imagine having to watch that up close like that. Smooches to you LiLu!
.-= Jesse Jo´s last blog ..And then becomes the question… =-.
I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this, lady. I have no words of wisdom, having never been in your position, but I will say that you are a fanfuckingtastic person and you did your job. It sucks and it hurts but it’s not your fault.
.-= hillary´s last blog ..So I Crawl Underneath My Blanket Where I Can Hide Away I Know I Can’t Take It =-.
I’m so very sorry your heart had to go through this. I don’t always understand justice, but I do believe it exists. Either through karma, or time, or God or whatever name anyone gives it. You did all you could that was within your hands to do. Maybe the prosecutor will learn to handle cases better in the future, maybe the sister will find peace without prosecution, but I do believe something will happen to make this right…even if you never know about it. You are incredible for doing your job and for being so open. I do believe it’s better for 100 guilty to go free before 1 innocent is prosecuted for the wrong evidence. It’s awful and I hate the pain is causes, but in the end…I do think everyone gets what they deserve. Somehow.
Big hugs your way my dear.
.-= April´s last blog ..Thank you(s), epiphanies, and a HUGE break-up! =-.
whoa dude. that’s heavy.
you did everything you could. hope you feel better soon.
xoxo.
.-= tia´s last blog ..This is why I can’t be your life coach. =-.
Holy shit LiLu. That is awful. What an absolute nightmare! My heart goes out to the victims family. It bleeds for the loss of an innocent life. It cries for the pain everybody feels, including you twelve who feel horrible that you were not able to serve justice that day.
*hugs*
Sorry I’m late. Hope you’re feeling better now.
.-= Gnetch´s last blog ..Is it just me or… =-.
That is brutal. Truly.
.-= Lemon Gloria´s last blog ..The snorchle snuffle snort =-.
I really admire you for being able to handle the situation at all. I really don’t think I could. Hugs.
.-= Ashley´s last blog ..The Things Better Said =-.
And now I’m crying. Oh honey. I’m so sorry. I know guys did what you felt it was your duty to do based on the law…Unfortunately justice isn’t always served…but without the law…think how many other people would be screwed!
.-= Kristin´s last blog ..Before & After: A Little Lamp Love Goes a Long Way =-.
you did what you had to do. that sometimes sucks. take lots of lilu time now. big loves to you!
.-= clairemontgomerymd´s last blog ..because it’s my blog =-.
Oh, honey. I’m just seeing this now….sorry!
I don’t know the details, but ugh. It sounds as if you had to make a decision that wasn’t quite right, but was just, if that makes any sense.
And if I was ever wrongfully accused of having done something, I would hope to have a juror like you to take my potential conviction so seriously. Beyond a reasonable doubt. xo to you, Kitten.
Before I say anything else, I must say that I believe in God, and someday the son of a bitch who did this will get his. That’s all the mention he gets here.
It still blows my mind that people like you and me can be chosen at random to decide the fates of thieves, rapists, and murderers.
But if not us, who? If not us living, breathing, loving people, then who? Our justice system is flawed, to be sure, but for every prosecutor that hits his knees because it wasn’t enough, there is another rejoicing because it WAS. We can’t forget that for thousands of people, the system delivers what is promised–justice.
You did what you had to do, and you did it to the best of your ability. And to be certain, you did not fail her. The system failed her, the man who took her life failed her. You? You told her story. Over 100 commenters and hundreds more readers who if not for you would never have known of that girl’s presence on this earth now carry her, and her family, in their thoughts. For those who pray, she is in their prayers. Her family wanted justice, but what they need most is LOVE. In sharing her story, you have given them that. I wouldn’t consider that a failure at all.
Oh honey. That just sucks. I really feel badly for you. But you have to remember YOU did not fail her. The system failed her.
I don’t necessarily believe in G-d perse – but I do believe that everything happens for a reason and I also believe that ‘Karmic Justice’ is always served – some way or another.
.-= meleah rebeccah´s last blog ..Doing Things Differently™ – My Week In Review [Part Eleven] =-.
I’m so sorry to hear about this! Justice is an ideal but not a reality for too many people! I hope the perpetrator gets whats coming to him, one way or the other!
.-= Pauline´s last blog ..Blog award =-.
I got to the end of the post with tears in my eyes. I felt your pain, her family’s pain, and the pain of so many clients with whom I’ve worked over the years. Sometimes there is no one to blame for justice not being served and for right now winning out over wrong. Maybe the attorney had the evidence and didn’t present it effectively or maybe there wasn’t enough evidence to meet the elements of the charges. Whatever the case, the system has its faults.
I haven’t practiced in over two years and yet clients still call me on my cell phone. Some said that I was too emotionally invested in my clients. I always replied, “How could I not be?”
The fact that the jury was in agreement demonstrates to me that under the law, there was nothing more that you could have done. The rest is up to karma, God or another power far greater than the American judicial system. xoxo
.-= City Girl´s last blog ..Choosing my path =-.
“There is no compassion in the law”.
That was the first lesson I learned when I started learning about and then practicing (a very different kind of) law. And it’s really true: You did exactly what you were told to do. You and eleven other people decided there wasn’t enough to outweigh the possibility that maybe this guy wasn’t to blame.
All I can say to you, besides send hugs, is that if he is guilty the odds are that getting set free did one of two things:
1. It made him realize how very precious life is to him; as such, he’ll endeavour to earn it this time; or,
2. He feels like he got off and will likely strike again. Repeat offenders usually don’t get off.
xoxox
.-= Alianna´s last blog ..P.S. =-.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that.
I just burst into tears for you when I read this. Forgiveness is about finding peace within yourself and letting go of the unloving feelings you have about a situation or person. Breathe peace and find a way to forgive yourself. The universe will take care of that man. Hopefully he will be transformed into the same loving person we all are authentically. And if not, maybe he will be transformed into mulch or humanure.
Hey there – just got around to catching up on my blog reading.
Let me just say, as a former criminalist, that there is only so much they can do. If they don’t have the evidence, if the lawyer play keeps evidence out, if the lawyer doesn’t make the case sufficiently, if… if… if….
There are a lot of reasons. As jurors, you can only do what the law allows you to do. And as much as we hate it when things like this happen, I’d rather live in a country where you are considered innocent until proven guilty. And the proof has to be there. If it isn’t, there’s nothing else you, as a juror, can do. I know it is hard, but just realize that you are not to blame.
.-= Jules´s last blog ..Day 22 – And the elliptical saga continues… =-.
Oh Honey! I am sorry you have had such a rough couple of weeks.
.-= Alina´s last blog ..Wedding Blues =-.
It’s a crazy system that sometimes errs on the side of letting guilty people off the hook. But you have to hope that if you were the one on trial, you would be dealt with fairly. I suppose in the long run it’s better to let someone go free than to convict an innocent person. You did your civic duty.
it’s posts like this that make me sorta glad that we don’t have the jury system. Here, the verdict rests with the judge. And it’s up to him to decide all the important things.
I’m sorry you’re hurting about this – I actually have nothing constructive at all to say, and so am probably rambling – on account of how I cannot for an instance imagine how this must feel for anyone involved.
you’re a strong girl. a big girl. a lovely girl.
you’ll get through this, okay?
.-= ExMi´s last blog ..It Takes Two To DIY =-.
OK I’m so late in commenting, but I had like 2k posts in my Reader to catch up on during finals.
=-.
*BIG HEAVY SIGH*
Jury duty for something like that must be emotionally exhausting and I’m so sorry you had to deal with that. You did your job as a citizen and you must know your heart is in the right place.
You’re amazing.
Hugs, doll.
.-= Alex´s last blog ..pixie658: @renidemus there are a ton of really great non-vegan gluten-free pizza doughs tho. honey helps boost the yeast & I think it’s the secret.
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