There is a long and growing list of ridiculous things that the dork inside of me just freaking loves. See: Legend of the Seeker, Vampire Diaries, photoshopped videos of Standing Cat in Boots, Avatar: The Last Airbender, and abusing tourists on the National Mall, to name a few.
(Well, okay… sometimes it’s the 13 year old girl in me. WHAT’S YOUR POINT.)
One of these ridiculous things that makes my heart go squeee! are colloquialisms.
So, like a TRUE dork, I’ve started keeping a list of the most awesome sauce ones I hear. (I have to admit, the list has gotten a fucking lot of a cocksucker better since we started watching Deadwood, though Life on Mars, The Wire, and my newest love, Southern Fried Stings account for quite a few as well.)
I just plain adore them, be they southern, foreign, or just plain old-fashioned.
And now, I share them with you.
“He’s madder than a bear with a bee in its ass.”
“He’s so full of shit his eyes are brown.”
“I been makin’ this gumbo since Michael Jackson had a nose like yours.”
“Opinions are like assholes, some are just louder and smellier than others.”
“I’m hotter than a popcorn fart.”
“I ain’t never seen a bird fly so high it didn’t have to come down some time.”
“Ain’t no need for a dust up way I see it.”
“It’s colder than a fart in a dead eskimo.”
“She’s so ugly you’d hafta hang a pork chop around her neck to get the dog to play with her.”
“Wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one gets filled the fastest.”
Love. It.
Happy Friday y’all!
Yes, this is an ad. Mama is poor, yo:
Download the EX0-101 study pack with latest 646-364 dumps and pass CISM exam on first try guaranteed.
{ 72 comments }
I like the Michael Jackson one. The last one is my dad’s fav, he uses it ALL. THE. TIME.
For cold, please switch to ‘colder than a metal rod up a snowman’s a$$’.
That is all, thanks.
.-= eric´s last blog ..My Bologna (Comune di Bologna) =-.
The dust up one is my favorite.
.-= k8´s last blog ..Happy Feet Friday =-.
I love the film Legend of the Seeker, never seen the series…
My ex did a re-dub of the film, inserting the word ‘cocksucker’ in for seeker, because of the deadwood guy. It was hilarious. I wish he had posted it on Youtube.
Well, that dream is lost.
.-= T. The Destructor´s last blog ..Hurry up before your uterus dries up! =-.
I love the full of shit one!
Everyone on my mom’s side of the family loves to use “sure shittin’” when they’re explaining something crazy…
“And sure shittin’, that bear was just sitting at the deer feeder eating corn.”
I always get weird looks when I pull that one out. (twss)
.-= Jeney´s last blog ..Winner, winner, chicken dinner! =-.
In my neck of the woods everybody gets “fetched up” whether it be that you’re stuck in a ditch, trapped talking to nosy people or have managed to catch yourself in a sticky fly-tape you are “fetched up!”
So I love this….
.-= middleagedwaitress´s last blog ..Canadians. Wine-O-s. Singing Brooms? Ahh, a day in my life.. =-.
As an English major, I can totally respect the word nerdiness. I love your collection
Here’s a couple of my favorites:
To an indecisive or fidgety (imagine that) person: “You’re like a fart in a skillet.”
“That smells worse than the ass end of a menstruating skunk.” I got that one from my friend’s father, who is 85 years old. Score.
@Fidgeting Gidget, That last one made me LOL. My co-workers are looking at me weird.
“There’s no way I can trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.”
Horribly sexist? Absolutely. But tell me if you didn’t smirk at that one.
I have special friends.
.-= Emil´s last blog ..Old Friends + New Friends = Great Times =-.
@Emil, i may have even laughed out loud. and i’m a girl. so that’s probably quite horrible.
.-= raeleigh/bigskygirlmt´s last blog ..blogging censorship =-.
I like the brown eyes one
We all have that inner teenager that force us do things…
.-= Ella´s last blog ..Happy Birthday ‘lil sis! =-.
My favorite – “Wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one gets filled the fastest.”
And just so the world can understand why I’m so weird, my grandpa has been saying that to me for as long as I can remember. I said it once to a friend (I was like 9) and I’m pretty sure that I not only didn’t completely understand it myself, but completely horrified and confused my friend.
Oh, growing up.
Fellow nerd,
Carolina
.-= Carolina´s last blog ..Carolina, Carolina, how does your garden grow? =-.
uglier than the south bound end of a north bound donkey
one French fry short of a Happy Meal
colder than a witch’s titty in a brass bra
Has anyone ever witnessed a bear with a bee in his ass? XD Love this, LiLu!
.-= Mikael´s last blog ..Motivation+Inspiration =-.
Shoot fire I grew up hearing many of those lines it’s a south thang..
Like my dad always said, “that’ll lurn ya durn ya!”
My memaw used to aggravate a neighbor with someof her job ideas like eating sawdust and chittin 2×4′s lol.
IF a frog had wings they wouldn’t bump their butt every time they jumped..
.-= Angel´s last blog ..Friday confessional volume whatever it is lol =-.
One that I don’t like: he’s cooler than the cold side of a pillow. For some reason this rubs me the wrong way.
On the other hand, this list is pretty hilarious and next time I hear one, I’m totally sending it your way
.-= Nora´s last blog ..Boxing, Dove, & A Giveaway =-.
I used to know someone who would say “It’s raining harder than a cow peeing on a flat rock.”
He was an authority on the subject.
.-= LA Cochran´s last blog .."All I’ve got is a photograph" –Def Leppard =-.
just laughed outloud at “im hotter than a popcorn fart”. amazing.
.-= allison´s last blog ..Friday Night Lights…Camera…Action! =-.
OMG.
My husband totally says the last one. Like, on a regular basis.
.-= StaceyParadise´s last blog ..20sb Blog-Swap: Just close your eyes and jump =-.
i’ve heard of the last two, my mom says them. She also says the opinion one. That’s awesome that you’re makong a collection.
.-= Kandace´s last blog ..Yay! It’s the Sunshine Award =-.
Haha…. those are awesome!!
Happy Weekend my friend
.-= Ams´s last blog ..Wilson Wednesday… on FRIDAY! =-.
Never heard those before. But now I have a whole lot more insults to throw around!!
.-= J´s last blog ..Why Do It? =-.
“I’m hotter than a popcorn fart.” ^.^
I love The Last Airbender too! I can’t wait for the movie to come out and TMI: I so totally want to have anime style cartoon sex with Saka.
.-= shandi´s last blog ..Change me, replace the envying, to forget your love. =-.
I wish I could even begin to keep up with the dialogue in The Wire.
Deadwood was great tho’.
Watching Olyphant in Justified? It’s pretty good, even if he has been slightly typecast…
.-= Sebastian´s last blog ..The jogging diary =-.
I have this one:
“If you were any more wrong, you’d probably be right.”
Thanks, dad.
.-= moooooog35´s last blog ..The One About Ruben Studdard Ninja Spiders =-.
Okay- I def thought I was the only 20-something female who is excited about Avatar- the last airbender… thank you for validating me.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..I’m Outta Here! =-.
Those are great. I am full of shit. I admit it. I actually refer to my eye color as shit brown. That is the way I like it!
LOL “hotter than a popcorn fart”
This is legendary!:)
.-= andhari´s last blog ..The Happy News =-.
PLEASE tell me you watched the UK Life on Mars. And if you liked that you will LOVE Ashes to Ashes. Gene Hunt is the most amazing politically incorrect sexified DCI EVER.
Gene Hunt: Now. Yesterday’s shooting. The dealers are all so scared we’re more likely to get Helen Keller to talk. The Paki in a coma’s about as lively as Liberace’s dick when he’s looking at a naked woman, all in all this investigation’s going at the speed of a spastic in a magnet factory.
Sam Tyler, aghast, drops the radio he is holding.
Gene Hunt: What?
Sam Tyler: Think you might have missed out the Jews
Gene Hunt: What?
Sam Tyler: I think we need to explore whether this attempted murder was a hate crime.
Gene Hunt: What as opposed to one of those I-really-really-like-you sort of murders?
My brother-in-law likes to use these too. I would, but I can never remember any.
“He’s jumpier than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.”
“I’ll be all over that like a dog on a biscuit.”
.-= Jane´s last blog ..The opposite of the plague =-.
The Michael Jackson gave me the giggles!!
LMAO! My favorite is “He’s so full of shit his eyes are brown.”
This is hilarious! You have to have your own show lady! ;p
.-= The Mercurial Wife´s last blog ..Are You Joking Me? =-.
my husband talks the opinions one quite often.. it’s funny, but he can make it annoying after quite a while!
have a great wkend!
.-= Randi´s last blog ..a beauty deal =-.
I grew up in WV some I grew up hearing:
“You’re slower than pond water.” (usually to my sister who takes FOREVER)
“If the good lord’s willing and the creek don’t rise.” (for when you plan to do something)
“I’m busier than a one armed paper hanger.”
“He’s tight as bark on a tree.” (when someone’s cheap)
“If it weren’t for bad luck, I’d have none at all.” (when things aren’t going well)
“Hotter than the hinges of Hades”
“You lie like a rug” (when someone’s lying)
“If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride.”
“You look like you were rode hard and put away wet. ” (for when someone looks a mess, or really tired/sick)
I used to work with a guy who talked in colloquialisms as naturally as most people speak normal English. It wasn’t put on, it was his native language… I loved to listen to him. Weird stuff too, like ‘Madder than a weasel in a sock’. One of my own favorites is “That’ll learn ya!” … I like it mostly because it drives my husband bonkers.
Photoshopped video of standing cat in boots FTW. Thank you for bringing that into my life.
I’m in love with the last saying.
.-= Herding Cats´s last blog ..Let’s Focus On… =-.
Words to live by for sure!
.-= Barbara´s last blog ..Moving the Library =-.
Apparently the shit vs. wishes saying was a favorite of my grandma’s, and my mom included it in the Christmas newsletter this year. Festive!
.-= Sada´s last blog ..No boy bands allowed =-.
I have been known to sweat like a whore in church. But not when it’s colder than a well-digger’s pecker. And “rode hard & put away wet” is the original “hot mess,” I think. Love it.
Being from the deep south, I grew up with this kind of colorful language:
“That guy could talk the ears off a two-headed billy goat.”
(In response to an “if” statement) “Yeah, if a frog had wings he wouldn’t bump his ass every time he walked across the yard.”
“That’s cooler than the other side of the pillow.”
haha those are amazing.
one of my favorites is “put the tiger in the tank” referring to drinking. yeah i had no idea what that meant before, haha.
.-= katelin´s last blog ..A lovelypants weekend. =-.
Also, colloquial mystery: How can it be “colder than a witch’s tit” and yet “hotter than a witch’s tit in a brass bra”? ARE WITCH’S TITS HOT OR COLD? I need empirical evidence.
.-= Sada´s last blog ..No boy bands allowed =-.
EFFIN’ EPIC
.-= Sweta´s last blog ..Fiction 55 :#2 Traumatized =-.
I’ve always heard “I’m dryer than a popcorn fart” for when you’re really thirsty. And my mom was often “hungry enough to eat the hind end off the Wonder Horse,” which, now that I think about it, makes me a little leery about some of her hobbies.
Also, colder than a well-digger’s ass. Colder than a witch’s titty.
I love the one about pond water… that is my daughter summed up!!
Hotter than a popcorn fart?! Awesome. I’m committing that to memory.
http://www.firednfabulous.blogspot.com/
One of my favourites actually comes from “Hey Arnold” and I’ve since adopted it for real life — “He’s going slower than a constipated turtle” — I love it, and all the examples you listed.
And thank you for sharing the standing cat in boots, it made my night
.-= Nikolett´s last blog ..dear diary … =-.
My grandpa was always driving my grandma bonkers with these.
“As nervous as a whore in church”, “Loonier than a pet coon”, and “nuttier than a squirrel turd”. I personally love the “shit in one hand” saying.
Love the list.
I work with a lady who often says she is “So hungry I could eat the asshole out of a skunk”. Kills my appetite every time. Or, in the same woman’s words, it makes my “butt pucker”.
LOL These are great. Now I’ve got new tweets and status posts!
.-= Kernut´s last blog ..The Birds, The Bees, and Pigeon Porn =-.
they call you mr. personality because you so UGLY!
.-= Sandhya´s last blog ..Volunteer Blog it On – Lend a Paw =-.
Yeeah….. Beauty is skin deep, but ugly’s to the bone
or the ever popular…happy as a pig in shit
yeah, the south, gotta love it.
I had a friend, a musician, coined me the “Analogy Queen”. In the South, if you’s slow, or a might teched in the haid, we hep ya get the point with some colorful explainin’.
.-= Alyxmyself´s last blog ..First World Problems =-.
“You’ll be a daisy if you do.”
“Off like a prom dress.”
“I’m hotter than a popcorn fart.”
I heard that one once and DIED. Brilliant.
.-= Ali´s last blog ..Legal and Lovin’ It =-.
These are hilarious and amazng and sometimes disgusting, and I’d never heard of pratcally any of them! I have a favorite one, from “True Blood,” that I forget, so maybe it doesn’t count as a favorite…
I tend to prefer obscue cliches to colloquialisms, but these are gems. Way to go.
My dad uses the second one all the time!
My favorite thing about colloquialisms is how you don’t realize they make no sense until you learn another language and try to translate or say one to a non-native speaker and they just stare at you.
.-= Ashley´s last blog ..Weight Loss Vlog #3 =-.
I’m pretty sure you’re gonna fill up with shiz first.
.-= Kristin´s last blog ..Champagne Saturday With a Side of Grapefruit! =-.
Ain’t I smart? Ah ha ha
Love the collection!
.-= harini´s last blog ..Who said that? =-.
And this is why I love you!
.-= Adrienzgirl´s last blog ..GWA: Groove be Damned =-.
Too funny… gonna have to find a way of working these into my daily repertoire!
“I’m hotter than a popcorn fart.”
Me too!!
That last one was used often in my childhood, with the word piss occasionally substituted for shit. Explains a lot, doesn’t it?
.-= LesleyG´s last blog ..2006 makes 2010 make a little more sense =-.
I freaking love this. LOVE THIS. I am a huge fan of “wish in one hand and shit in the other.” My fave ever.
.-= Amy — Just A Titch´s last blog ..Pssst! =-.
Opps! I forgot. “Busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest!”
I love the Michael Jackson one! Too funny! Urban Dic rules!
.-= ally´s last blog ..Weekend Retro Rewind Featuring Bananarama =-.
west virginians say a lot of these things– most of which i don’t understand.
i’d give you examples, but i’ve successfully blocked them all out of my brain. they were too confusing.
.-= Maxie´s last blog ..TMI Thursday: Out with a Bang =-.
LOL! I love it because I too love colloquialisms. I especially appreciate southern ones, me being from new jersey and all..
some of my favorites
“She has the nerve to be walkin around lookin’ like who shot john”
“You call me after midnite one mo’ ‘gain, and I’ll split yo’ wig!”
“I ain’ fixin’ to drive with that heifer!”
“it is hotter than the hinges on the gates of hell”
lol
colloquialisms rule
http://eatreadrant-nadette.blogspot.com/
.-= Nadette @ Eat, Read, Rant!´s last blog ..It’s my Birthday and I’ll Network if I want to! =-.
These are very funny. The only one I hadn’t already heard before was this one:
“Its colder than a fart in a dead eskimo”
Ahahahahaha
.-= meleah rebeccah´s last blog ..Doing Things Differently™ – My Week In Review [Part Eleven] =-.
Yes! Dorks rule for sure. And colloquialisms can be pretty great as well.
.-= Pink Blog Girl´s last blog ..Define “sensible” =-.
Oh God. This reminds me of so many people I know.
I’ve got one for you, my dad uses it all the time: Innuendo. Only when he says it, it really means “in your window”. And, actually, I’ve got a hell of a lot that I use all the time but I can’t think of them right now.
.-= Christina Harper´s last blog ..It’s Too Hot And My Head Hurts Too Much To Think =-.
{ 1 trackback }