I am a bit, how shall we say… terrified of getting older.
I know, I know. No big shock, right? So’s your mom.
But here’s the thing: it’s less about actually aging and drooping and having mortgages and breaking hips and shit than it is about…
Not being cool.
You know… with it. In vogue. Streets ahead, and so on and so forth.
I know what you’re thinking:
But LiLu, you’re already the biggest dork we know! For Pete & Pete’s sake, you’re obsessed with your cats and an anime Nicktoon…
Don't hate. He's the world's very LAST Airbender!!!
and frankly, we didn’t want to say it, but you’re a little bit loco in the cabeza with the Always Sunny references… AND the twss jokes.
*You duck in anticipation of my flailing-arm protest*
The thing is, I KNOW all that. I’m well aware of my Reigning Dorkdom. And what it boils down to is, I basically don’t stand a chance of being hip in my golden years. And that scares me.
You see, this weekend at the wedding, I met the World’s Coolest Lady.
(No, seriously. I’d present her with a sash that said so if I thought she wasn’t too cool to wear it.)
The lovely bride put together a meet and greet for the families on Friday night; we gathered around a fire pit to bond over far too much just the right amount of vino. From the moment Aunt Theresa walked in, I was in awe.
This woman was Helen Mirren with a side of Meryl Streep, all wrapped up in a healthy dose of Bea Arthur’s ‘tude.
Redic… wait for it… ulous.
Statuesque and sophisticated at NINETY, (and never without a cocktail in hand,) she regaled me with tales of her life, her travels, and her four marriages (one in her 30s, 40s, 50s, and 60s). “Oh, you grow,” she told me with a casual wave of her hand, the mark of a person who’s not only experienced, but accepted life.
At the reception, I continued to hassle her (in between showcasing my White Girl Dance Moves) for the secret to rocking it at almost a century year old, until B came to subtly rescue her from my drunk clutches.
The next day at the airport, B and I were nursing our Awesome Wedding Hangover with some hair of the dog when I turned to him.
Me: She was just so freaking cool! I wonder what the secret is to never getting lame…
(pregnant pause, B begrudgingly turns one eye towards me from ESPN)
Me: I guess… I guess it’s just not having kids, so you stay rich and thin and can travel the world and be fabulous all the time?
B: *laughs* Yeah, I’d say that’s pretty much it.
Le sigh.
Aunt Theresa, I raise my glass to you. You are 90-some years old, and cooler than I could ever hope to be.
{ 81 comments }
I seriously feel you on this one but I am also petrified of getting wrinkles and my tattoos looking like sludge on my body when I’m 80.
I want to be Maryl Streep when I’m older. She’s just so elegant.
.-= Heather´s last blog ..Bringing it Back: The Ex Complex =-.
Always Sunny references are the bees knees. If that makes us dorks I accept the title graciously.
I also love me some cool old ladies.
” I guess… I guess it’s just not having kids, so you stay rich and thin and can travel the world and be fabulous all the time?”
I think that’s the secret. Every grown up I want to be (cause I’m clearly not one) is childless. They are also way more fun than parents. It seriously makes me consider never having children.
You’ll always be streets ahead.
.-= Ashley´s last blog ..Out With The Old =-.
cool old ladies are my absolute favorite people ever!
and btw you’re not alone. I’m terrified of being an un-hip grandma! haha.
.-= Katie´s last blog ..Sam Made =-.
Yeah, I have a feeling I’ll be the lamest old lady ever.
.-= Sara´s last blog ..I’d Like To Thank God For This Award… / Weigh-In Wednesday =-.
You are seriously hilarious…for Pete and Pete’s sake? Come on, I died laughing.
I seriously thought this post title said “Brat-it-tude” and I was like, “she’s crossed over to the dark side”
Then I started singing “bratitude’ which I know by heart, and then went on to “F to A to BULOUS”…
Then I looked again, and I saw Bea Arthur ‘Tude and felt so freakin’ lame.
I will never be cool when I’m old, I’ll just be the weird eccentric “Auntie’ who lives with 5 parakeets and says random things like, “Just because cats have buns in the oven doesn’t make them biscuits!”
.-= T. The Destructor´s last blog ..And…..DONE! =-.
I love cool old ladies – gives me a little hope that I may be one… probably not though lol
.-= Rhianne´s last blog ..Finally… =-.
Try as I might, I don’t think I’ll ever be the coolest old chic.
Hell, I’m not even that cool of a 29-year-old. Put another 40 years on me, and I’m f*cked.
.-= Hannah´s last blog ..Sometimes… =-.
Streets ahead made me LOL. At least you’re not streets behind.
And ps: you know what kind of old lady I’m gonna be? The one with her head always in the blinds, spying on the whole neighborhood, saying things like “Damn hoodlums and their noise.” Oh wait that’s me now.
.-= Tara´s last blog ..Getting to Know Me, Alphabet Style =-.
I may be the crazy cat lady in the basement, but I embrace my idiocy. I have to believe that my nephew will love me for it in my old age.
.-= k8´s last blog ..Not Feeling the Funny =-.
I wasn’t fortunate enough to meet Aunt Theresa, but I have to tell you that I love her already.
Don’t worry…I have no doubt you’ll be able to rock your own version of Aunt Theresa. It’ll just be with a little extra cat hair and Awesome Sauce.
.-= confessor69´s last blog ..A Picture Is Worth a Thousand Words =-.
Hmmm. I don’t want kids. I’m becoming a world traveler. So you’re saying I’ve got a chance?
I totally feel you- but how can you not be cool when you instinctively know just the right moment to throw in a Pete&Pete reference?
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Big Girl, You are Beautiful! =-.
I can’t wait to be a really cool old lady.
Wait.
What?
.-= moooooog35´s last blog ..The Hulk Reads Notes to a Teacher – Episode 2 =-.
I’m not even worried. I know I’ll always be this awesome.
I love cool old ladies and it’s my life’s ambition to become one lol. I sometimes worry I won’t be all nerdy and hardcore into music but then I look at my dad, who’s almost 50… still playing video games and listening to the same music I do. Which is AWESOME.
Wow, I hope to be like that when I am 90!
Bea Arthur’s attitude (minus) Bea Arthur’s Wardrobe…(plus) a bit of Blanche’s sluttiness thrown in for good measure = cool old lady
.-= Skinny Dip´s last blog ..Making Sex Make Sense =-.
Man oh man I know exactly how you feel…I have great plans of being the awesome grandma with blue hair (and I don’t mean from a rinse…I mean turquoise rocker streaks) and an ever-present cocktail and a string of younger men lusting after me…but I’m scared I’m going to end up with the waistband of my pants up higher than my nipples, a weekly beauty shop appointment and meals at senior citizens.
It’s not over! You could be a late bloomer! That’s what I tell myself all the time. When I’m 90, I’mma be dressing fine and making up all sorts of shit about stuff I didn’t actually do in my life.
.-= Sarah P´s last blog ..Mish-mash and flash, possibly NSFW =-.
Huh. I have always suspected that remaining childless was the key to aging gracefully. Thanks for confirming!
.-= April´s last blog ..I ♥ Helena. =-.
So far, I have the “always have a drink in my hand” thing down. I figure the rest is just details.
.-= Skylers Dad´s last blog ..Skylers TV Crushes =-.
I want to be like here when I grow up.
.-= Tee aka The Diva’s Thoughts´s last blog ..How Do You Do It? =-.
It’s ok I’m 32 and want an Appa of my own.
I think the secret is never lose your inner child (Yes, a Under the Tuscan Sun reference) so your totally on the right track with the fart jokes and loving cartoons.
It’s either I be that cool when I’m old, or I start really living on the edge when I turn like, 45. I mean bungee jumping, sky diving, and riding motorcycles. I’m bound to die in one of those activities. I just can’t be an old, feeble, shrinking old lady. Can’t and won’t.
.-= Christy Payton´s last blog ..I’m boring, but these pictures aren’t! =-.
That lady sounds amazing. Would so love to be her, too.
.-= Vie´s last blog ..Running Joys =-.
Also, I am kind of creeped out by this timer under my comment telling me how long I have to edit it. I feel like I’m on 24.
.-= Christy Payton´s last blog ..I’m boring, but these pictures aren’t! =-.
Have you watched any of the Real Housewives series? See, you can still be cool when you are 80 and flipping over tables.
Dude I want to be just like her too! But, I do want to have kids. So, don’t know where that will leave me.
She was one hot 90 year old.
I can’t wait to get old. I think wrinkles are fun, and I have an awesome turban already picked out and waiting for me… and i’ll throw tomatoes at people just because I can and yell at kids to get off my lawn…
Ouiser is my idol. I can’t wait.
.-= Squish´s last blog ..I Missed World Mandate =-.
if my uncoolness is inevitable, i need to start living it up more while i’m still hip enough. i guess this mean’s my weekend avatar marathon will have appropriately themed adult beverages. that’s a good compromise, right?
.-= michelle´s last blog ..look at me =-.
Lilu – we will always think you are cool….seriously. Oh, and secret to a fabulous life IS never having kids. I debate this everyday :/
.-= Herding Cats´s last blog ..UnBELIZEable (and other stories) =-.
Kids would be great though, like pets which learn new tricks every day.
Of course, infinite money and travel are ok also.
.-= eric´s last blog ..Showdown at the Lowes (Scontro di Butteros) =-.
i seriously hope i can pull off half the aura this lady projects when i’m 90! i agree i want to be a cool old chick
.-= ria´s last blog ..oh hump day – boo =-.
I kind of want to be an old lady-old lady. I want to say that things are “lovely” and tell “young men” how “sharp” they are. I want to serve stale Nilla Waffers to my grandchildren and cover every surface in my house in plastic. When I’m feeling saucy, I’ll head over to the local Indian casino and play penny slot machines while wearing an unflattering wig.
The coolest and greatest things about old people is THEY HAVE LIVED. I find it funny that my youth is now taught in school in history classes. I came through Vietnam, racial riots, integration, bra burnings, smoking in theaters and all places, and radio shows. I tell them they can take me to school for Show-n-Tell. I’m glad you appreciate her and don’t worry. Just living will give you the same grace and ‘tude when you are her age.
that’s the kind of old lady i want to be. classy.
.-= Maureen´s last blog ..The Saga of the Rental Car: Insurance for Slowpokes =-.
I may not be cool when I’m old, but I’ll be completely batty, which will sort give the illusion of cool. Think Cloris Leachman in Spanglish nuts. You’re welcome to join me. I think it’ll be pretty entertaining.
.-= Harna´s last blog ..Not a Girl, Not Yet An Old Broad =-.
God I hope I age well!! I share your fears and seeing some women who are in their 70s, 80s, 90s and they still “have it” I sure hope that’s me too!
.-= Katy Mary´s last blog ..A Little Addition Goes A Long Way =-.
It’s sad how society worships young “starlets” who are often A) bitches and/or b)complete, vacant morons (*cough* Megan Fox!), when there are cool, strong, and much more intelligent older women out there who we should be admiring.
May we one day realize that maturity and wisdom are infinitely more beautiful than silicone and botox!
.-= Pauline´s last blog ..“Starry Starry Night”… =-.
I have an Aunt like that and she was married and divorced and had children so there’s hope.
I am not that cool now but she does sound amazing and I guess we can still all aspire to be more!
.-= Michelle Pixie´s last blog ..Lumps & Bumps =-.
Favorite line: Redic… wait for it… ulous.
Hilar. .. . wait for it . . .ious.
(besides that fantastic line from your post, I haven’t even thought about being cool when I get old. I have gotten hung up on the physical break down. Woe is me!!!! I lament aging.)
.-= cj´s last blog ..I’m bringin’ sexy back =-.
WOW! I totally dig what you’re saying! I have the same fears. At 90 years old? That’s impressive. I don’t know how I’ll be at that age or maybe my liver will disintegrate before I hit 90…
i don’t mind if i’m uncool (let’s face it, i have NEVER BEEN COOL, so it won’t be like a big change or anything) but i desperately want to be one of those fun old people who are still, like, water-skiing at the age of 80. considering i’m not yet THIRTY and my body is starting to fall apart, i’m thinking it’s not in the cards. DAMN IT.
.-= Alice´s last blog ..big hats and popped collars =-.
Oh my god this had me cracking up!! I’m totally with you, not that worried about physical aging but I’m terrified my mind will get old. Well that and that I won’t notice if I’m starting to dress like an old person. If I ever start rocking mom jeans and those matching top and pant ensembles (you know what I”m talking about flowery top with like checkered pants in the same color, hurl) I will die a thousand deaths!!!!! And I totally stalk cool older women when I encounter them trying desperately to learn what their secret is!
When my grandfather died last year, I remember turning around in the Church to see literally hundreds of people there behind the family. I had no idea so many people just adored him despite being a shiesty lawyer, all-too-social drinker, and a womanizer up until the day he died. He just had a way of making every person feel like they were the most important person to him all while maintaing a cool, stoic soundness being 6’4″ with a full head of shock white hair. Sounds so much like how you describe Aunt Theresa. I guess there’s no recipe for being that person. I think it’s just about genuinely being you… whoever that “you” is and people will admire that.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..This is What Happens When You’re Honest =-.
My boyfriend loves Avatar- The Last Airbender. He was pretty peeved that James Cameron ripped off the title for his stupid movie.
.-= Sara´s last blog ..I’m the last kid standing up against the wall. =-.
HOPING i’m on the right track to being a cool old people…didn’t start the plan this way, but excited now that i’m halfway through it: by the time i’m 42 BOTH my spawns will be out of high school and i’ll have 22 years in with my company which would make me eligible to retire. 42…that seems like the PERFECT age to begin traveling the world and racking up stories and being a cougar (so gonna happen).
Well, I guess you are excited about the Last Airbender movie, huh? What, you didn’t hear about it? Well, allow me to include a link from movies.yahoo.com!!!
http://movies.yahoo.com/movie/1810071569/video/18070297
Enjoy!!!
I think you underestimate your cool factor my dear. I bet a 20 something will be saying the same thing about you one day!
I love talking to older people, just to hear their stories.
I hope to be cool when I’m old, but I probably won’t be.
.-= Barbara´s last blog ..Internet, I need your help =-.
90? For reals? Wow.
Went on a cruise a few years back and got seated (every night) with this sweet older couple. We had some of the best dinner convos, cutest people and the coolest grandparents ever!
.-= Ela´s last blog ..NEXT Please… =-.
I’m with ya’ lady. I think my kids drained all the coolness out of me. Now they are cool and I’m some pathetic schlub looking back on my memories of coolness and seeing it disappear, like Steven Seagal did.
Those little bastards!
.-= Tom Goette´s last blog ..Female Celebrity Cheaters And Golddiggers =-.
I’m hoping to be as incredibly amazing as Ms. Leachman, but I’m pretty sure I could never be as amazing. This fact would not keep me from stalking her if I ever met her.
With this being said, I do intend to live to AT LEAST one hundred, especially with all the advances of modern medicine.
.-= Tiffany´s last blog ..I’m not bragging, but…wait..yes, I am. =-.
Guess you’ll be more like my 90 year old Grandma who wanted to do a keg stand at my graduation party. Although she was 85 at the time.
If you don’t have kids, are you going to paint B’s toenails?
p.s. your page is threatening me. do you have a virus?
.-= Nikki´s last blog ..Ikat for your boobs =-.
Aging is definitely my greatest fear. Everything about it. Yikes.
.-= Taylor´s last blog ..Me & Him =-.
I know the feeling. That once I have children I’ll just morph into what was once young and svelte to a FUPAed mom-jean and croc-wearing hag. *Shudder*
.-= Dating is My hobby´s last blog ..roommates and significant others =-.
“oh, you grow” is officially my new excuse for everything.
.-= hillary´s last blog ..Nobody Said It Was Easy No One Ever Said It Would Be So Hard =-.
You need to come meet my Nana. 97. three marriages. single now. still lives alone in Cali, and our last conversation began with this gem:
“Elizabeth, don’t marry a man who can’t get you off at least twice in one night. A man who can’t screw for a damn is a shame to waste a marriage on.”
I think you two would get along.
.-= Liz´s last blog ..What’s Your Excuse? =-.
@Liz, i heart your nana.
That kind of coolness is acquired as one gets older and stops caring what the world thinks of you…
I can’t wait to see you in your 30s, because I think you’ll truly come into your own then… and you’ll realize that you are cool – cooler than you think you are… Because, once you get into your 30s, you really stop caring what others think of you and you start living life on your own terms.
.-= bethany´s last blog ..Every Year On April 26th Part Two: Anniversaries =-.
that woman sounds awesome. i mean drinking and traveling and tude at 90, i approve. i will aspire to that level of awesome as well. i mean, we all should.
.-= katelin´s last blog ..Countdown. =-.
To be that cool at 90? SERIOUSLY? That sounds all kind of awesome.
.-= andhari´s last blog ..Damn it, Torrance Shipman! =-.
I like B.A. But I think I’m gonna work the Betty White. When Blanche had a stroke she said, “Dear Rue, I hope you hurry up and die so I can be the last Golden Girl left. NOT KIDDING!” (I think she was kidding).
I wanna be the last Golden Girl. And have a Snickers commercial.
I raise my glass to Auntie also! Cheers darling, may we be stellar elders some day
.-= Aimee´s last blog ..The Bridesmaid Diaries…Drama Entry#1 =-.
Did you follow her around like a little puppy, worshipping the floor she walked on?
No?
Good, ‘cos that wouldn’t have looked cool!
.-= Mo “Mad Dog” Stoneskin´s last blog ..I’ve never seen a badger move so fast =-.
It’s so true….kids really ruin things for you…..but our damn genetic brooding makes us crave them and then POW your life it over, you’ve no money, you can’t care about clothes anymore and romantic holidays are a distant memory…and you better forget about living on foreign shore and expanding your mind, because you’ll be covered in poo and personally chauffeuring tiny people to tuba practice and soccer games! GAH! *breathes into a paper bag*
.-= Hermia´s last blog ..Secret Story No.3: This is about a guy named John… =-.
Can I do that…with kids?
.-= Candice´s last blog ..Finally, the Passion Board Unveiled =-.
God. I cannot wait until I’m 80. I plan to take up smoking at that point. And probably not just cigarrettes.
I love talking to my parents, they are 80! The history and stories are great!
I have totally lost all my cool but I would not trade my urchins in for cool any day!!!
.-= Lucy´s last blog ..The Wheels On The Bus Go Round and Round, Unfortunately! =-.
I think the secret is just to own it. Being 80 is cool as long as you’re no embarrassed of it.
PS. I am freaking obsessed with Always Sunny. I just played laser tag for the first time and my name was Night Man. And I sang Day Man to people. (wa-ahhhhh!)
.-= Princess Pointful´s last blog ..In which Facebook ruins my teenage crushes =-.
I imagine that you will always be the life of the party, and you’ll always have people who want to be like you. I suspect it’s true – remaining childless probably has a lot to do with staying cool. I wasn’t ever cool to begin with, but I lost all hope once my world became all about diapers and did he poo today? and dear God what kind of exercise can I do to prevent my ass from hitting the back of my knees? On the bright side, I suppose I now have a good excuse for my lack of coolness.
.-= Lemon Gloria´s last blog ..Feats of strength =-.
Dude, I effing LOVE you. I have tears right now. Seriously. LMAO!!!
.-= BigMamaCass´s last blog ..OMFG! Why me? Dear So and So Letters of Intent =-.
“streets ahead” mahahaha!
Oh that made me laugh!
Oh my goodness, you’ve totally hit the nail on the head! I only just blogged about getting old lol
I totally agree – it’s not the fear of “drooping” and all that, it’s the fear of not being cool anymore!!!!
Great post
.-= Kez´s last blog ..Since I got old… =-.
start sewing a sash – i am SO on my way to being crowned aunt theresa’s successor!
.-= clairemontgomerymd´s last blog ..jesus is gross =-.
Wow. Aunt Theresa really IS the coolest woman at 90 years old if shes like Helen Mirren with a side of Meryl Streep, all wrapped up in a healthy dose of Bea Arthur’s attitude!
.-= meleah rebeccah´s last blog ..Doing Things Differently™ – My Week In Review [Part Thirteen] =-.
Badass. Ninety and still rocking the cocktails, with stories of travel and short-lived marriages to entertain the whippersnappers. I want to be that woman when I grow up.
.-= Kat´s last blog ..Age Is Just a Number (If Only I Could Remember Mine) =-.
LOVE women like Aunt Theresa! And, you might not realize it, but you already have the ‘tude in spades! You’ll grow up with the same wit, beauty and giving nature. Bring it on, AARP!
.-= City Girl´s last blog ..Passing the test =-.
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