So, I have a court date on Monday.
And no, shockingly, it is not for indecent exposure, or public intoxication, or getting thrown out of The Royal Palace (NSFW).
Point A: We didn’t get “thrown out”. We were just asked to kindly STOP DANCING up a storm… or leave. Guess our moves were too hot for the strippers.
Point B: Mom, the Royal Palace is a church. Or a library. Swear. Don’t click that.
No, my friends, rather, I have been called to serve my fair city in the way of:
JURY DUTY.
Bum bum bum. *triangle clang for emphasis*
And here’s the thing. Me being me and all, I totally want to go all Liz Lemon with this shiz. Partially to ensure I don’t have to go back the next day, but mostly because hot damn, wouldn’t it be fun to fuck with an entire room of people??
My goal is to make the judge blush at least once.
So, here are the options I’ve come up with so far…
1. Wear a helmet. Preferable of the My Little Pony or Hello Kitty stylings.
2. Bring Murray draped around my shoulders and tell them I have separation anxiety if they try to take him.
3. Turn every question into a “That’s What She Said” joke. And I do mean EVERY…
“Are you racist?”
“That’s what she said!!!!”
(So wrong. I know.)
4. Dress like a Daytona stripper who shoplifts from Fashion Bug.
5. Wear Green Man.
6. Pretend I’m a contestant trying out for American Idol whenever I’m on the stand. Go-tos will be Rick Astley, Pants on the Ground, and “Ambalamps.”
7. Speak only as a white girl doing an impression of Billy Cosby.
8. Pencil in a Frida unibrow, and repeatedly announce that the carpet AND the drapes match the ceiling, while wiggling said brow suggestively.
9. Act exactly like Bill Murray from “What About Bob?”
10. Lizz myself.
And so, dear bloggy cohorts, I need your votes / even better ideas to make it happen.
ARE YOU READY FOR ME, DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA??? I CAN’T HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I think Jury Duty gets a bad rap after all it does get you outta work which in book is always a good thing.
I have an appt. today with the twat doctor that I’m actually excited about b/c it gets me out of work for a few hours. Sad I know.
Shannon´s last blog ..Ghosts of Boyfriends Past
i hated jury duty…so boring…thank god i was never chosen and got to go on my merry way..
caroline´s last blog ..Easter basket
There is free wifi at the courthouse so you can bring your laptop and youtube ridiciulous things! The room where you wait is SO quiet, so even the slightest volume would work wonders.
Jackie´s last blog ..Smiling
When I was called for Jury Duty a few month ago I looked online for excuses not to go and found a site of pretty hysterical ones. I feel like number 7 is pretty amusing though!!
Helmet = MUST be Hello Kitty. Obviously. I ADORE Miss Hello Kitty.
She always brings a smile to my face, and I’m sure the judge will think the same!
I think you’d be adorable goth – got a vampire outfit and tons of black liner? Would be hilarious to see how they reacted….
My vote goes to the Frida unibrow!
Seriously?? Hilarious!
Tia´s last blog ..Flashback Friday
I vote for Green Man and Rick Astley! That would be a magical combination…but then again, it may end up getting you committed.
Yankee Girl´s last blog ..Hump Day Hangover 6
Brow+curtains. Clearly. Yes. That’s my vote.
Wynn´s last blog ..Frrrrrt.
Have I even mentioned how much I love you hon? You’re about the only person I ‘know’ who could say this stuff and make me laugh anyone else I would be like yah yah whatever…
Think of Jury duty as a place full of blog fodder of thursday!!
xo
-K
Kandid Kelli´s last blog .."Co-Sleeping"
My vote’s in for Green Man.
My grandma was a police officer, and she told me to say that the police officer is always right and you don’t know the difference between right and wrong. So bad, but I’ll still be doing it if I ever get jury duty.
GREEN MAN! GREEN MAN! You know, I had jury duty LAST WEEK!!!!!! I made $2. Well, not yet. As of now, I PAID $8. I’m still waiting for my check for $10…..
#7 is my favorite
don’t forget to hide a video camera!
notsojenny´s last blog ..life 101
Very subtle things that make people uncomfortable but that we’re not “allowed” to laugh at as a society always get my vote. Perhaps you could wear mom jeans with suspenders along with the uni-brow?
LesleyG´s last blog ..She loves you, yeah yeah yeah
The helmet and Bill Cosby imitation are my faves
Kristen´s last blog ..Wedding Wednesday: The Proposal
I vote for number 7!! ;p
The Mercurial Wife´s last blog ..Where You And I Laugh Till We Spill Our Guts
Yup. This seems reasonable.
My jury duty go-to has always been my Confederate Flag purse (bought for only this purpose, obviously). They actually sell some darn cute ones on Ebay!
That Kind Of Girl´s last blog ..TKOG Who doesn’t go up in smoke
My vote is green man, obviously! I got called up for jury duty too last month.. I deferred til May because of school but I whichever scheme you don’t employ I might use to get out of mine! ;D
maddy´s last blog ..Lovely Things
Whatever you do, try to sneak a camera in. Please and thank you.
Herding Cats´s last blog ..Can it be Spring Break forever please?
I’d wear the cat. But find a big sun hat with fruit on it to wear with the cat. And twitch alot.
Remember to record it.
I think I’d actually like being a juror, but I never ever been called. They must know I’m still insane. Sigh.
And the correct response to every question is, “Death penalty.” It will get you kicked off right quick.
k8´s last blog ..I Should Have Written Before I Cried
Well, having been called several times and NOT been selected…I’m thinking it was because of my t.v. viewing habits. Sure, I watch Law & Order, but openly admitted to cooking shows, Oprah and Tough Love.
I think my magazine selection was also taken into account.
At the end, combine everything and I think they thought I was far too dumb to comprehend words that were over 6 letters OR I was going to go all Oprah over them.
Either way, I was happy, happy, happy.
littlemsblogger´s last blog ..Match.com and eHarmony, Here I Come…..
WEAR THE GREEN MAN, but don’t forget the acid.
Heather´s last blog ..Feeling out of wack, so here’s a survey!
my dad was called for jury duty in a case where the defendent was accused of attacking a girl in some way. when they were asking questions like “would you be able to be impartial, why or why not” he told the court he had two young daughters and thus was already 100% convinced anyone accused of harming any girl was guilty and should be basically executed. he was excused from jury duty.
so! find out what the trial’s about and display a HUGE PREJUDICE toward one side or the other.
Alice´s last blog ..pepper spray: YES PLEASE
Bring something onion-y for breakfast.
Then keep sniffing your fingers and insist everyone smell your hands.
“They smell like onions!”
And Please please please, for the love of God, lizz yourself.
Courtney´s last blog ..Fingernails
Here are some ideas……
* I can tell if people are guilty by looking at them.
* I’m attracted to you, your honor.
* If a police officer told me I was a bug, I would believe him.
* Is it murder if I haven’t been caught?
* My religion prohibits me from sitting near other people.
* Would I have to bathe?
* Can each of my personalities vote in deliberations?
* Laws are for sissies.
* those handcuffs are turning me on.
* I’m allergic to justice.
* pretend to be hard of hearing. (Answer questions thereafter by cupping hand and shouting “What?”)
* A pit bull named [defendant's first name] just killed my friend’s baby.
* I have Tourette’s Syndrome, you fucking asshole.
* I get dizzy if I try to remember too much stuff
* YES, I can’t wait to see someone FRY!
* I was always taught to shoot first then ask questions.
Just A Girl Reply:
March 31st, 2010 at 11:33 am
@Torn, GENIUS! I especially like 1, 7, and 11.
Just A Girl´s last blog ..I think I’m going crazy. It’s at least a 50-50 chance.
Aaahhh! Too many choices!
Kris´s last blog ..In about 40 years…..
A friend of mine sent me some TWSS material. Just in case you run out at Jury Duty, try and work these in: http://uvtblog.com/2008/11/unintentional-porn-aka-no-porno/
Julie´s last blog ..I love you, so I won’t steal your Tristan Prettyman thunder with the title of this post
Def the Hello Kitty. Please rock that for me =). My dad tells me all the time to stop licking the windows in my car with my helmet on. He’s so bad, I know.
Nickie´s last blog ..I Don’t Even Have Any Good Skills..Like Nunchuck Skills…
Maybe we can change places! I’ve always wanted to sit on a jury. I know, I’m a nerd.
Kristina P.´s last blog ..Quid Pro Churro
My vote: DO ALL OF THEM, ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Green Man costume with little slits so you can look like a stripper while wearing Hello Kitty helmet singing “Pants on the Ground” and then saying “That’s what she said” and … yes. Good luck and have fun and … please, do record this
Nikolett´s last blog ..these are my confessions~
i like number two best… lol
i would SO FREAK OUT if i had to go to jury duty.. not sure why, but it just ain’t my cup of tea i don’t think!
Randi´s last blog ..dear so and so
Green man. Please. Pretty, pretty please wear Green Man. That would be AMAZING.
I have jury duty later in April, too. And you just gave me some excellent ideas on how I can spice up an otherwise horrendously boring social service!!!
Hannah´s last blog ..I have fallen behind…
I heard on the radio this morning that Samy from Hot 99.5 has jury duty too. You and Samy together would be HILARIOUS!
I just want to clarify – if you dress like green man, you’ll dance like that all day, right?
Liebchen´s last blog ..Now who do I root for?
Can you get arrested for contempt of court in Jury Duty? Cause if not, I guess that gives you carte blanche to do anything and everything.
Emil´s last blog ..Identity crisis? Don’t think so. Or, How I learned to love D.C.
eh, i got called once & spent the morning reading a book. never even got to me. but i vote for what about bob
alexandra keller´s last blog ..tea party
Hahaha, I was called for jury duty once myself .. lol.
I say go with the hello kitty helmet, the frida brow AND mumble to yourself while making hand gestures as if you’re trying to catch (pretend) flies buzzing around your head. It’s a sure shot. lol
Aritza, Goddess of ..´s last blog ..Goddess of .. Roses, Bows and Endless Ruffles !
Green man doused in glitter and stickers with My Little Pony helmet and a large pair of tube socks.
Harna´s last blog ..Doggie Style
I’m on board with Green man AND ‘that’s what she said’ jokes.
while i LOVE liz lemon–pardon me while i laugh myself to pieces right now–i say you go full on Kenneth, ha
Nadette @ Eat, Read, Rant!´s last blog ..Pole Burn
Stick it to the man, my friend. Preferably with, you know, an actual stick.
danielle´s last blog ..Book Review: Ship Breaker by Paolo Bacigalupi
Oh, my god. PLEASE. PLEASE. Wear green man!
Oh god, this post wins at everything!
While all of these will work beautifully I’m sure.. I really think you should wear green man. Greenman=fail proof. Also, talk in a different accent every time you speak…
carissa´s last blog ..If I had a Hot Tub Time Machine…
Please Lizz yourself while wearing a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles costume and loudly snarfing down Doritos. When they ask you to stop with the Doritos, tell them you have a medical condition that requires constant access to faux cheese. Offer to bring out the Cheese-Its instead if the Doritos are ‘offensive.’
Good Luck!
ClaireSuzanne´s last blog ..My love/hate relationship with the salon
I’m voting for a combo of 7 and 8. I think the Frida suggestiveness combined with a Bill Cosby voice would be golden. And I’m not entirely convinced that lizzing would actually get you out of jury duty.
Ally´s last blog ..Twittering My Face
I vote for a “TWSS” marathon. All the way.
Kim´s last blog ..Have a Heart for Max and Mercedes
Jury duty is your civic duty as an American and as a citizen of the District of Columbia. Think about it, if you were being tried wouldn’t you want jurors who took jury duty seriously? Yeah, me neither…
Del-V´s last blog ..He has the demented melancholy of a Tennessee Williams heroine!
Never been there but I would definitely try the Green man or number 7 out
.
harini´s last blog ..Did Anyone Miss Me??
I would Green Man it up and said you can’t reveal your true identity, or your arch nemesis will find you during the day and slay you!
Kara´s last blog ..My first time
I am 25, and I STILL haven’t gotten Jury Duty! Score one for me! My thoughts, though? Show up in your pajamas and proceed to try to make yourself comfortable enough to sleep. If someone asks you a question, look at them and say “huh?” like you’re half asleep. They’ll assume you’re useless and wont want you to come back.
Oh, and I posted a sequel about Old Guy, as per your request!
rebel mel´s last blog ..A continuation of the Old Guy chronicles.
Don’t know if I can help you out as, when I was a child, I wanted to be a juror when I grew up (Mom watched Ironsides and Perry Mason. I was 4. I didn’t know that the people in the jury were actors, I was FOUR. So, I thought a job listening to people tell stories all day would be groovy… I did mention that I was FOUR when I thought this, right??)
I’ve never been called for Jury Duty. I have friends who have been called multiple times. It’s like they KNOW if you WANT to do it and won’t call you then. Sigh…
But, I say that the person who advised you to show strong prejudice for one side or the other was probably the most spot on for how to get out of serving. One of the lawyers will use their right of refusal to reject you, then.
MsDarkstar´s last blog ..The Cat Yodeler
I vote for #8 b/c you in a unibrow would be tre-sexy.
Haha! I’ve only been summoned for jury duty once and it was when I was getting ready to leave for college so I got out of it. Phew!
Kellie´s last blog ..What’s going on? I have no clue.
hahaha…I love the the episode of 30 Rock where liz lemon tries to get out jury duty.
um, my vote is totally for a hello kitty helmet just because it sounds awesome in or out of jury duty.
Once I told someone that I was a single mother of a cat and could not afford to buy candy from their kid. Just say that it’s too much of a hardship for you to be off work since you have to support a cat all on your own.
HAHAHA make a judge blush. If there’s anyone who can do something like that, it might be you.
You and probably Borat.
ooohhh, don’t just pick one! Combo it up!
Great ideas! Only you LiLu, only you!
hahaha. That’s hilarious.
I have had to do jury duty before, well.. sorta. I was called to do it, 3 times, no joke, last summer. But when the day before came, my judge didn’t have anything so we were all dismissed!
BUT I think it would be funny to ‘go Liz Lemon on them’ as you say.
Good Luck!
Hahahaha, love it!!! I hope it all works!!!
Wonderful´s last blog ..How do you say….
I’ve got some pretty good ideas, but they’re all dependent on you taking enough prenatal vitamins to start lactating in time for your court date. Details to follow via email.
Jay´s last blog ..Are You There Internet? It’s Me, Jay
#8 is my fave. Oh, is it ever.
Ali´s last blog ..Spa Week!
I personally think all of those options are just too good to pass up the opportunity. You should do them all, simultaneously.
please either wear the green man or bring murray. either one would be all sorts of hilarious.
katelin´s last blog ..A day in Hollywoo woo wooland.
Ah, jury duty. Odds are you’ll spend some time with a good book. The sucky thing about DC is that there’s the regular DC court and federal court and going to jury duty for one doesn’t get you out of the other. I get called for both every two years like clockwork. I’m supposed to go mid-April and I’ve asked for deferral for legitimate reasons – here’s hoping I get it.
Lemon Gloria´s last blog ..I feel pretty, Oh, so pretty…
My vote is green man all the way. Mostly because you know how I feel about It’s Always Sunny. Second vote goes to Murray.
Amy — Just A Titch´s last blog ..I’m Not
Just sit there on your blackberry the whole time. I hear they frown on that.
Maxie´s last blog ..Would You Rather Wednesday
You should do one of these for every hour you wait. It will require bringing a suitcase, which is, in itself, amazing too.
Her´s last blog ..Another (birth)day, another year
FASHION BUG.
I just vom’ed. But that shows your dedication.
ALSO I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU…I feel like we haven’t had a good inappropriate talk in a while, so I’ll be sure to interrupt your day tomm. yay!
Liz´s last blog ..Love, Liz and Bella
Um, I love you.
I vote for Pants on the Ground. I heard someone singing it on the radio not too long ago, and I seriously thought it was a real song. Your post led me to the original, though, and I laughed my ass off. Thank you for that!
Megan´s last blog ..This and That
I read this title as ‘Lezz Myself.’
That’s as far as i got in the post before I had to go to the men’s room.
moooooog35´s last blog .."Ray Bans Still Hostage – Film at Eleven"
Stripper outfit….everything else can get you arrested! You can’t disrupt court proceedings *tut tut* and then the case would be suspended and a new jury would have to be found and everyone would hate you. Fact.
Hermia´s last blog ..Quelle horreur!!!!
you’re ridiculous. which always has me coming back for more.
and um, i have never had jury duty! i’ve been a registered citizen for seven years…and nuttin’. i feel slightly hurt.
I had jury duty last October and was chosen for the jury…I was juror number 11! It was actually rather fun, I thought…..
Lexi´s last blog ..worldliness Wednesday
Throw on a blond wig, a leather jacket and don’t wear pants. Just channel your inner lady gaga.
Allison´s last blog ..welcome to the block
i agree with above allison…lady gag and your hot new p90x bod. that would be hot. you could also pull a “sex and the city” and just pull out random fruits and hold them–making everyone uncomfortable. if not, green man and brows!
allison´s last blog ..April Fools Google? I "Topeka’ed" it
Hm, I have jury duty too, at the end of the month. Maybe I should take pointers from you.
SilverNeurotic´s last blog ..Out of the bread line…
I’m all about green man….or the unibrow. Unibrow might be just obnoxious enough to “raise some eyebrow”…..terrible. I know.
Good Luck with Jury Duty. I vote you act like Liz Lemon and thats only because Tina Fey is my HERO!
meleah rebeccah´s last blog ..Trying To Find My ‘Swing’
I’m all for #6, American Idol Audition. See if you can sneak some video.
Ashley´s last blog ..Boots and Fists to Pound on the Pavement
What did you end up doing?! Details please.
Jessica´s last blog ..We Have A Winner and Random Sunday Thoughts
My boss once got out of jury duty (quite unintentionally) with this word vomit: “Well, clearly someone did something wrong unless we all wouldn’t be here.”
wendy´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday
Congrats on the jury duty! Paid time off from work!
Dmbosstone´s last blog ..Bringing The Social Back To Social Media Part II: Changing How We Find Jobs
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