Last evening, B and I had our nightly battle in which he attempts to convince me to scratch his NAKED back, and I wail and protest and squirm and add multiple syllables to words in true five-year-old whining fashion. I will not go gentle into that good night!
Now, I’ve talked about this before- twice- I just cannot STAND the idea of all those dead, flaky skin cells cropping up underneath my fingernails. It makes me own skin, well, crawl. (Ew.)
When first confronted with my dead skin phobia,* he maintained it was worth my suffering because then if he ever murdered me, I’d be fortunate enough to have his DNA under my nails to prove it was him. Which doesn’t really work out because then I’m A) dead, and B) he is a tricky bastard and we’ve watched all five seasons of The Wire, so I’m pretty sure homeboy knows how to get rid of a dead body by now. You just don’t watch Stringer Bell operate without picking up a thing or two.
Mmmmmmmmmmm.
Anyhoo, this was his new and improved argument last night:
B: {rips off shirt} Baby, will you *please* scratch my back??
Me: Gross!! You know I hate that!
B: {puppy dog eyes}
Me: Fine. Put your shirt back on and I will.
B: {heavy sigh} Then I can’t FEEL anything! Come on, think about it. That’s like asking someone to put pants on before they bone you!!!
Me: ………………………
Too-shay, my dear. Too-shay.
He may have won last night. But he can’t come up with these forever.
Can he?
*cringe*
*This is no way applies to peeling off sunburned skin flakes. That, of course, is pure awesome.**
**I NEVER CLAIMED I MADE SENSE. Shuttup.
{ 1 trackback }
{ 89 comments }
This is like getting inside the mind of a serial killer. Only different. The mind is a mystery. Well, yours is anyway. Make sure you donate it to Science will ya?
I lurve having my back scratched too! I get where B is coming from.
Back scratched? Yes. NAKED WITH FINGERNAILS???
NO.
Adrienzgirl´s last blog ..GWA: I am not a Tweeker
TheRichAnt Reply:
March 23rd, 2010 at 7:18 pm
Girl now you know how to get a sistah’s attention honey chil’ I love me some Stringer Bell dayum that brotha is Fwine!
I have the exact same phobia!!!! My guy is super touchy-feely, and I CAN’T STAND scratching his back!!!! I’m so glad you wrote about this, I can prove to him i’m not alone and have valid “issues” lol.
This is what I’m here for, folks. Proving YOU all are normal.
Fashionista´s last blog ..CupCake Heaven!
Ah, the sweet manna of sunburn peel… Almost as good as glue on the fingers back in first grade.
*Almost.*
Eric´s last blog ..Books About Ancient Water and Disaster (Libri di Acqua Antichi e Disastri)
The Wire reference totally made my morning, I want you to know that. I miss that show… the scene where Snoop buys the nail gun… priceless…
*tears*
Man. It took me like 4 episodes to begin to understand what she was saying. Love it.
Can you like… buy a hair brush and use that on his back instead? I bet it would feel even better than your fingernails! lol I have no idea on this one, but the mention of dead skin cells just guaranteed that I’m not scratching anyones back for a long time *shudder*
Ooooo. Maybe I can get him a nice back scratcher for Father’s Day. You know, because of the fur babies and all.
Yes, I’m lame. I know.
Kyla Roma´s last blog ..Mix Tape #3: Spring Forward
Jess T Reply:
March 23rd, 2010 at 5:38 pm
I was going to suggest the hairbrush as well. I also dont like getting my hubby’s skin cells under my nails (he thinks I’m crazy b/c of it) so I bought a small cheap hairbrush (w/o the protective nubs on the end of the plastic bristles) and it works like a charm. Better than thru-the-shirt scratching or no scratching at all, right?
http://www.amazon.com/Bamboo-Back-Scratcher-Massager-Therapeutic/dp/B000BUCZD4
Haha! I so thought this was spam at first. I was all, April, the hell? <3
April´s last blog ..56
That’s funny that you have a dead skin phobia…what’s the scientific name for that?
I watch a lot of real forensic and true crime shows. I could never get away with killing my husband because everyone knows I’m addicted to those shows. At least that’s what I keep telling hubby.
Or maybe you *could* get away with it. Because really, would you be that obvious? Huh, coppa? WOULDYA?
corrie howe´s last blog ..
So..let me get this straight…
You told a tale about having sex on your period and then the guy literally SEARCHING THROUGH YOUR BLOODY VAGINA for the smooshed in tampon..
..yet you won’t scratch your boyfriend’s back?
Makes sense.
Hey, he offered. I did not.
moooooog35´s last blog ..Wrapping up the Week – March 21, 2010
We’ve watched too many crime shows when we think about DNA under our nails. But anyway UGH! Will . Never. Scratch. Again. After that visual. You’ve saved me from ever scratching again.
I will consider this my good deed for the day.
Colby´s last blog ..Sometimes people can really surprise you
This is one of the many reasons I keep my nails short. GROSS!!
Hmmm. That sounds like a decent defense mechanism…
Oh I can’t scratch my husband’s back either. I try to rub it. LOL
My teeth grind if I really scratch! I don’t know if it can be classified as a phobia though.
I’ve seen snippets of The Wire but never sat down to watch it. I should start I think…since Dexter is still not back!
The Wire puts all other television to shame. Oh, wait, it’s not TV… it’s HBO.
The Mercurial Wife´s last blog ..My Pirate Got Doped Up
too cute in the weirdest way!
that’s an interesting phobia you have too. what if you washed your hands thoroughly afterwards.. trimmed your nails??
Stop helping him!!! The T-shirt was the compromise!
floreta´s last blog ..The Art of Travel, The Art of Life
All five seasons….hmm….he knows how to get rid of your body ANDDD where to get the best crack in Baltimore…watch out for him! : )
I dunno. Sure, when the Towers were standing. But now? Who’s to say which corner is which?? You know I only buy Barksdale.
Lil’ Woman´s last blog ..With A Heavy Heart…
It grosses me out too..but then I think about how I wouldn’t get mine scratched if I didn’t scratch LB’s. And unlucky for him, I get really dry skin in the winter. =D Payback!
Sorry, hope you didn’t shutter too much!
Convulsions. Full body.
Nickie´s last blog ..Florida, Part Two. 2010.
Because of the asterisk-y statements, I am now thoroughly squicked out, because all I can think of is Goldmember. Ick ick ick!
I DON’T EAT IT.
Just felt like I had to get that out there. *shudder*
Dagny Taggart´s last blog ..“Rue the day? Who talks like that?”*
But do you pop his zits for him? THAT is the question.
No. BUT that doesn’t bother me as much as the skin.
It ain’t easy being
greenweird.Kris´s last blog ..The Shiz My Kids Say
oh come on, he deserves that much!
Traitor!
That was a TERRIBLE argument!!! It’s not even remotely the same! If you wanted him to wear a jumper, then he’d have a point, but you can totally feel it through a tee or shirt!!!!!
And you’re DISGUSTING! The Boy got sun stroke after a week in the South of France and his entire top half was just peeling and flaking away….it was AWFUL….I was actually retching! And the one night I allowed him to stay with me during that, he tried to sleep with no top on which I was NOT having!!! And then when he left the next day, there were loads of skin flakes all over half of my bed….I think I actually got sick.
Well, okay, the flakes in the bed is gross. But that’s why you have to PEEL it off first!
Hermia´s last blog ..Let me tell you about the time I….broke into somebody’s house
Oh I scratch hubby’s and kids backs. I don’t mind. But usually they want me to do it after they have had a shower. Perhaps you can appease him with that and get one of those back scrubbing brushes and give his back a wonderful scrub and scratch..
Hmmmm. You might be on to something with the shower. Plus men smell all NICE afterwards. I could get behind this.
Angel´s last blog ..The Happines project with Leigh week 4
What is it about peeling off sunburn that is so appealing? I think everyone does it and loves it. Although I don’t understand why. Maybe something about getting the biggest piece of skin ever to peel off in one piece? Hmmm…
I’m surprised he didn’t use the condom line. Then he wouldn’t be able to “feel” it. Heard that one before.
xoxo
The oldest one in the book, fo sho.
Kellie´s last blog ..Weekly Want-It’s: Baby Edition
Oh my god someone as weird as me!!!! I hate dead flaky skin…especially stinky man dead flaky skin. My boyfriend used to sit on my recliner with his feet up, rubbing his dry flaky skinned feet together for HOURS! After I threatened to remove his feet at the ankles without the aid of anesthetic, he now wears socks.
EWWWWWWWWWWWWW. I just threw up in my mouth. You win.
Peeling off sunburned skin is the most amazing thing on earth. Seriously.
SO satisfying.
Jackie´s last blog ..Happy (?) New Year!
you know.. never before had it actually bothered my to rub hubs naked back skin…
but now.. i’m afraid all i’ll ever be able to do it without thinking about is this post…
yuckity- yuck!!!!!
Uh oh. Don’t tell him it was me.
Randi´s last blog ..i spy ellie may
Bahahaha, this cracks me up. That was like my favorite thing ever in the world for my ex to do to me..never even thought out the dead skin thing. Thanks a lot.
You are WELCOME.
I love when you’re peeling off sunburned skin in little itty bitty pieces and then all of a sudden you get the giant monster sheet of skin that peels off.
It’s like a skingasm.
Makes me tingle.
As a good skingasm should.
T´s last blog ..Will this pain ever fade?
Why do boys like this kind of stuff…and then like it even more when they know it freaks girls out!???
That’s true. I should try reverse psychology and get all weirdly INTO it. That’d stop him…
maybe.
jen´s last blog ..The Best (Simple) TV Ad I’ve Seen in Ages!
Nooo! Peeling sunburned skin is the grossest thing in the world! I’ll scratch a back any day (well, perhaps not ANY back, but at least my husband’s). However, I won’t peel his skin and I definitely won’t let him peel mine. Ha. Eww.
…I need a shower.
I think we all do.
HECK YES to sunburned skin peeling! points for the biggest one (TWSS).
EXTRA points. Just like hitting children or old people while driving.
cavy´s last blog ..on my mother’s newfound liking for social media
I used to always love peeling off people’s dead, sunburned skin, too. We’re weird people.
Good weird, though.
I hope.
BeckEye´s last blog ..Forty-Two-Hooo!
Lilu, go to Squal*Mart and in the kid’s toy department they have these little plastic gardening kits. In that kit is a hand rake. Tell B to take his shirt off and scratch away. Tell him it’s just like using a Dildo.
Somehow I think I better leave that last bit out…
Gladys´s last blog ..Moving On Up
Yuck. I hate that too. You should invest in a back scratcher. Those things are better than nails anyway.
Peeling sunburned skin…AWESOME pure AWESOME that is the coolest thing to roll your hand a little to get an edge then slowly pull and see how big of a piece you can pull….. ahhhh It’s like a contest who or what piece is the biggest! And I am “ok” with scratching the naked back but just not in bed… dead skin in my bed is way too gross!!!!!
Torn´s last blog ..Retail Vent!!!
I used to love scratching people’s backs, until I started your reading your reasoning for not liking it… and I have to admit it is kinda nasty. Still it does wonders for getting me in the mood.
carissajade´s last blog ..Dare #2: A Booger On The Face (#OrTheThingIFearMostInLife)
One of my friends has seen about 8 bajillion episodes of “Law and Order” and CSI. If I ever have to kill anyone, I’m so going to her for ‘hide a dead body where no one will find it’ tips.
kate´s last blog ..Memoir Monday – Ephraim
He’s pretty good with the arguments. I have a feeling you won’t get out of scratching his back so easily.
But isn’t there anything comparable that *you* want *him* to do?
Liebchen´s last blog ..Still on a bit of a Marathon high
Now when I scratch The Mister’s back I think of you and your ban against it.
Kim´s last blog ..Random Thoughts
Have you considered something like using a pumice stone? It would feel good, and remove dead skin, but you wouldn’t actually have to use your own fingernails for the effect.
Vie´s last blog ..Vacation’s All I Ever Wanted
I’ve seen some other suggestions on how to do this but here’s another: go buy him a very thin shirt, like an UnderArmour heat gear shirt, and scratch his back through that. Instead of having sex with your pants on it’ll be more like making him use a back condom so you don’t get skeeved out. You know, for *your* protection.
Also, @ Jen, the reason we like it is cause it feels good. Actually, it feels amazing. It probably goes back (hehe) to our primate ancestors and their whole grooming thing. At least he’s not asking her to pick the bugs out and eat them.
You need those stick on nails for kids. They are like little caps with long nails.
Nikki´s last blog ..New Moon is here! and a review of Remember Me
im gonna have to go ahead and agree with the man on this one. whats the point of a back scratch over the shirt? thats a total rip off, and exactly like boning with your pants on! who likes dry humping?
I personally learned my street skills from Omar, not Stringer Bell. There were actual tears in my eyes during the last episode of the Wire, and nothing has been able to replace the gapping hole in my heart. However, HBO’s Deadwood kicks cock-sucking ass (and uses some variation of “cock-suck” at least thirty times an episode). But it will never be The Wire. SIGH.
Sketch´s last blog ..Babies Make Everything Better.
Eeep. You definitely need to invest in a back scratcher.
And I totally agree about sunburned skin flakes. Peel, peel away.
So I have this dream: that this summer we can get through the entire series of The Wire with a lot of help from Netflix.
Has to be possible. I got through three seasons of LOST in two months one summer. I will win at this game no one is even playing against me.
brad´s last blog ..Ted Leo whispers, i work at squeezing more hours out of each day and someone, somewhere, is completely uninterested in any of this
Dude, I have this exact fight with my husband pretty much every night. I don’t want all his nasty dead skin cells under my nails. Barf.
hillary´s last blog ..The Band Is Back Together Allergic And In The News
I always have my boyfriend scratch my back. I will never tell him about your fear though because he would probably refuse! I’m with B on this one….it just feels sooo good!
I have some awesomeass sunburn on me now
Wanna peel?uhh…Just saying’ 
Sweta´s last blog ..Pocket full of Appreciation
Matt tries (and usually fails) to get me to scratch his back each night too… I just am too lazy
Sunburn however, is disgustingly awesome to peel and play with, I agree!
maddy´s last blog ..I forgot I had this on my phone.
simple solution darling: go to walmart (or fred meyer, or target, you get the idea): they have those loofa type shower GLOVES that you can wear…he gets the scratch sensation (actually MORE scratchy sensation), and you are not stuck with his DNA being left anywhere you did not specifically request for it to be *ahem* deposited.
it’s a win-win.
A back scratcher for his birthday would probably save you…:)
My back always itches, tho hubs doesn’t have a phobia about dead skin, he can’t ever seem to scratch hard enough for me. He tries through my shirt and yours is right, you can’t feel anything and it just makes the itch worse. So I make the hubs scratch my naked back too. He hates it cause by the time I’m satisfied his hand aches…
I have agree with B here… you feel nothing if u scratch over clothes
. I scratch bad in sleep… when ever i scratch myself i end up with scars as if i was scratched by a dog 
harini´s last blog ..Mr. Poke A Nose
I think you should get a box of latex gloves and then tell him its like a hand condom. No, gross fingernail skin for you and the support of high school health teachers everywhere!
Dani´s last blog ..Is it just me or does this feel a bit like the lyrics of "once in a lifetime"?…
Um, that is soooo gross and my boyfriend insists on the same thing. Always “under the shirt!” And many times in public. And then it’s directions: left, left, no my left!, middle, up, up, oooohhh.
Fml.
I feel like I have this same argument with my husband but even if he scratches my naked back he sucks at it. My solution, a back scratcher. Then I didn’t have to ask him anymore.
DWJ´s last blog ..Today’s Shoe | Coach Clogs
I LOVE peeling sunburns too. Like, I disturb myself. And since I’m the palest bitch in town I always have lots of skin to peel in the summer :p.
Mary´s last blog ..Home
hahahahahahhahaha.
he has a point, i guess.
siovhan´s last blog ..some dark rose colored glasses…
BAAAHAHAHAHAHA I totally agree! My dad tries to get me to…i dont know if i can even say it….ok…POP PIMPLES on his back! PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUKE. (my other sister used to do it for him but she has moved out so..GREAT) I cant think about that anymore.. but I am obsessed with peoples sunburnt skin. I LOOVE peeling….hehehe it’s so creepy but I will do it on anyone I know (myself included)
Tyler´s last blog ..Cause it’s easy, hard as it looks.
There is nothing better than back scratching. It could be worse for you, though, like Tyler’s back pimple popping (and if you like that but not the scratching, well, I don’t know what to say to that.)
Emil´s last blog ..Friday Nights
I’m going with B on this one…sorry :p
Dict´s last blog ..How to write shorter essays on Microsoft Office Word
Like Bell knew you needed others to do your dirty work, the beauty of having kids together is that they can do the back scratching for you.
Phil´s last blog ..Phil grants interview to discuss Playaz’ deaths
If B knows about skin cells under your nails, he DEFINITELY knows more tricky stuff about DNA and crime scenes and you would be murdered and screwed and never vindicated. I would watch out for that tricky bastard.
Could you use a plastic comb? Or is that the back scratching equivalent of a fleshlight?
Hope´s last blog ..A Small Piece of Advice…
That whole conversation was like one of those safe-sex skits we had to watch in high school.
“Come on, baby. Don’t you love me?”
“Welllll, OK, but you have to wear a condom.”
“Then it’s like we’re not even having sex.”
9 months later, homegirl is knocked up and boyfriend is banging her bff. True dat.
Sarah P´s last blog ..Your Friday Lenten Prayer Service, or How I Ruined the Curve for Everyone
While I wouldn’t want to deny B his back-scratching — back-scratching, toe-sucking, zit-popping, I love pretty much all semi-gross forms of relationship contact — I must point out that making someone wear a shirt during scratching is more like making a dude wear a condom during sex. Not that unreasonable.
That Kind Of Girl´s last blog ..TKOG Who wriggles and sings in front of hundreds of screaming fans
UGH no. NO. I only go so far for love.
Elizabeth Marie´s last blog ..Monday, you’re a whore. So let’s have a GIVEAWAY!
sherryrose Reply:
March 23rd, 2010 at 8:46 pm
maybe THIS is what meatloaf was talking about…i always wondered what it was that he wouldn’t do…
haha. that’s funny.
cari´s last blog ..why even look back…
I’m telling you men always have a sex analogy and women, we have such odd quirks!
Lucy´s last blog ..Post It Note Tuesday: Tolerance
What is it with guys and having something to scratch all the f***ing time?
My guy wants me scratch his arms/legs, too, because he says it feels so much better if somebody else does it. WTF?
san´s last blog ..Retail therapy
You know what, I don’t even ask my wife for a back scratch these days. I just whip the shirt off and wait patiently. Maybe you should tell B to work out more so that you can’t say no any more. What dya reckon?
Mo “Mad Dog” Stoneskin´s last blog ..The Rolex and the Unhealthy Zorro Obsession
Actually, my dear, I think he might be able to always win. Which sucks for you. But it’s definitely good for him. Maybe you should make him do something he hates in return for you scratching his back…
Christina Harper´s last blog ..Christina’s Ultimate Guide To Surviving College
Did he at least bone you *sans* pants, as a thank you ? lol
Regardless, You’re pure genius and I love it !
Aritza, Goddess of ..´s last blog ..Goddess of .. Where will I be in 10 years ?
So this is what you do – I know because I did it . . .
You get yourself to the nearest dollar store and buy yourself one of those wooden, $1, imported from somewhere in Asia, back scratchers. In fact, do yourself a favour and buy 2 or 3. Then put them in all the strategic places of your house where he might possibly request a back scratch. Then you say “sure Honey”, whip out one of your newly acquired old back scratchers and go to town. You’ll both be happy.
Your welcome.
The Only Girl´s last blog ..Books For Boys or How To Gross Out Librarians
B is soooo right. You can’t feel anything over the shirt. Or pants as it were.
I make DD rub my back nearly every night. I have no idea how I haven’t gotten conned into doing it for him.
A Super Girl´s last blog ..New blogroll
I believe B can [and WILL] come up with awesome comebacks and win arguments with a sense of humor- forever!
But, after reading your blog post and thinking about having someone else’s nasty back peelings and flaky skin under my nails, I don’t think I will EVER be able to scratch anyone’s back – ever again.
meleah rebeccah´s last blog ..Doing Things Differently™’ – My Week In Review [Part Seven]
I love backscratching – both doing it and having it done to me. Skin flakes only bother me if moisturizer was applied first because then they ball up under my nails in little disgusting gray lumps…
Sorry! You just threw up, didn’t you…? Was trying to offer some perspective… lol
spleeness´s last blog ..The nest of fuck. (NSF arachnophobes…!)
I love having my back scratched so I would gladly scratch someone else’s back for them. I’d just make sure to clean out my nails really good afterwards.
SilverNeurotic´s last blog ..Phone Stalking
My ten year old son loves to have his back scratched, and he has such nice boy skin. I’m lucky.
Grown up skin is ickier, I think.
Anyway this post and comments remind me of how primates groom each other. Weird.
Alyxmyself´s last blog ..Have to believe we are magic.
Maybe one of those loofah mitts? That would be nice and scratchy.
Lemon Gloria´s last blog ..Over the top? A Monday poll.
I’m with you; it’s gross. I always resort to just kind of half-rubbing, half-scratching their back. It’s not the same but hey, I’m with you, it’s just gross.
Nora´s last blog ..Letters: Junkpunch, April Showers, Fried Food and more
Buy a hairbrush you’ll never use for your hair and use that.
Susan´s last blog ..exploring your city with foursquare
Why not buy him one of those back scratchers and ask him to scratch himself?
Witless Fool´s last blog ..The Genuine Tiger
why don’t you buy him a back scratcher. Then he can scratch himself.
OG Reply:
March 24th, 2010 at 12:38 am
damnit – I didn’t know this posted.
OG´s last blog ..Old Ladys Need Love Too
You should just buy him a back scratcher. Then he can scratch himself..cut out the middleman.
OG´s last blog ..Old Ladys Need Love Too
Oh man, I’m so sorry…I’ll come over and do his back. I *LOVE* doing that. And popping the zits. It’s SO MUCH FUN!!!
i’m looking for a back lotioner. do you do that? what about back zit popping? times are tough and i WILL pay someone to do these jobs.
clairemontgomerymd´s last blog ..grasshopper for hire
Ahhhhhh, now I get the dead skin cells thing.
It all makes sense now. Life may continue as normal.
Clairebear´s last blog ..Fearless in the face of fear…..kinda
HOLY SHIT I have had this *exact* same argument with exes and seriously? I will *NEVER* give in. That is so gross and EWWWWW and gag.
Which is probably why you have a man and I have a dog and books and a vibrator.
Slightly Undone´s last blog ..too little time.
I LOLed about this post too much to not comment.
The title is PERFECT.
And also… GROSS.
I was going to yell at you for not loving to peel sunburns, but then you added the end. that’s my favorite– it’s like when you try to sharpen a pencil and get the shavings as long as possible before they break. AMAZING.
Maxie´s last blog ..Holy Hiatus, Batman.
Oh god. I never thought scratching someone’s back was that gross…UN TIL NOW! The dead skin cells…I never thought of those. pretty gross.
My boyfriend and I are huge WIRE fans as well. We mostly just use the term “re-up” a bit too frequently (ie. “I’m going to get a re-up of Milk at the store”) and play a drinking game that involves taking a drink any time Clay Davis says “SHEEEEEET” in season 5. We’re giant dorks.
Comments on this entry are closed.