You all know this game by now. Time for another installment of “The Shiz My Boyfriend Says.” Woot!
(Oh, and bee tee dubs, I’ve had about a zillion requests for another round of Life Advice from B… so go ahead and ask your questions today! I’ll post his answers on Tuesday, if I can get him to do it by then. Tell him how handsome he is or something for encouragement.)
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While watching an ITT Tech commercial, the happy couple’s children are bouncing away on a trampoline behind them…
Commercial: “We didn’t know WHAT we were going to do when John got laid off…”
B: And now we’re trampoline rich, bitch!!!
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B is a lover of all things chicken wing. Last week we ordered some and they happened to come with the buffalo sauce on the side. As I watched him slowly, tenderly, smother each wing in two different kinds of hot sauce, I couldn’t help myself…
Me: So… you gonna make love to it or what?
B: It used to be a GIRL chicken! Heyo!!!
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As our kitchen is roughly the size of Harry Potter’s cupboard under the stairs, it is rather hard to prepare anything without the cats being ALL up in our biznass…
Me: Axe Murderer! Goddamnit! I will slap your face off your FACE if you don’t get out of here!
B: Baby, it’s raw hamburger! What if someone was holding raw internet in front of you?! You’d be interested too!
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While waiting for the elevator in our building…
B: You know what I hate? I hate when you’re already waiting for an elevator, and someone comes up behind you and pushes the already-lit button AGAIN. Because basically, what you’re saying is you think I’m too dumb to push the button. Like I’m actually stupid enough to think my scent is going to call the elevator to me. So pretty much, that means I should punch you in the face. Bam!
Me: …………..
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Ahhh, men.
Don’t forget to meet us out for Happy Hour tonight! 6pm at the Vapiano’s at 18th and M. I’ll be wearing my Love Harder shirt – FTW!
Yes, this is an ad. Mama is poor, yo:
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{ 84 comments }
I LOVE these posts! This makes me want to bring back “Tips from the Popo” (the bf is a police officer and has sure fire tips) which are captain obvious tips BUT obviously people don’t use them LOL
.-= She Who Sasses´s last blog ..Post It FAIL =-.
Oh B. Raw internet. He knows how to get you hot.
.-= k8´s last blog ..The Laptop Doctor =-.
RAW Internet!!! Now that was some funny shit.
The other night I was pissed off and retreated to the bedroom to pout and Kristian gingerly brought me the remote and my laptop. He knows how to cheer me up
.-= Shannon´s last blog ..Wax on Wax off =-.
I LOVE shiz! Makes me so happy when it pops up in my reader. B’s a stitch.
I’m totally with him on stupid elevator behavior. Like, when you’re on the ground floor and someone runs up and asks if the elevator is going up. No, sir/ma’am…it’s going down…next stop: hell. Climb aboard, dumbass.
.-= confessor69´s last blog ..TMI Thursday: The Totally Unnecessary Recovery Update =-.
Raw internet!! That’s hilarious!
Question for B: If someone’s new date takes them to a surprise concert, should their musical taste be considered, thus ruining the surprise?
another question: how would guys celebrate Valentine’s day if they could do it anyway they wanted? Would it still involve chocolate?
.-= spleeness´s last blog ..ok, so I have spiders on the brain… =-.
My goal in life is to be trampoline rich.
.-= Jamie´s last blog ..winter confessions =-.
For the record, you don’t need to be rich to own a trampoline.
Just have an extra 100 bucks and complete disregard for your child’s safety.
We have FOUR!
.-= moooooog35´s last blog ..How to Clamscape Using the Disney Method =-.
Hello hello. Cheers for leaving a comment the other day.
Loved the last one of these especially. Yesterday on my way home from work I was stood at a crossing and someone came up and pressed the button and I wanted to poke them in the eye with my umbrella. Did they think I was just standing there counting cars?!
.-= The Girl´s last blog ..Happy Blogaversary! =-.
i totally agree with B… it’s like they think that if THEY push the button it’s going to bring the elevator right down. somehow their button pushing is BETTER than mine. f that.
.-= notsojenny´s last blog ..money bags =-.
” Me: Axe Murderer! Goddamnit! I will slap your face off your FACE if you don’t get out of here!
B: Baby, it’s raw hamburger! What if someone was holding raw internet in front of you?! You’d be interested too! ”
THAT’s my favorite! Haha!
.-= san´s last blog ..Work it out weekends: healthy cooking =-.
Love the raw internet comment! lol. Why do you animals always have to be allup in your bizness? But where are they when your sick? Doin theyre own thing..geez.
ps-you have an award over at my blog! =)
.-= Nickie.´s last blog ..You May Have Seen This Man Last Night, Just Saying. =-.
Is it wrong that I have a slight man-crush on B? Probably. I didn’t say that, then.
.-= Elliott´s last blog ..Fun Fact Friday – Which Came First? =-.
Awesome! I hope for our sake that you two are always on speaking terms! “Raw internet” – priceless!
.-= Tom @ Sophisticated Lunacy´s last blog ..Rufus, the Blog-Blocking Doggy =-.
I am right there with B on the elevator game. If people come up to push the button after me, I back up against them and fart.
Just markin my turf…
.-= Skylers Dad´s last blog ..Impossible is Nothing =-.
Hahahaha…he’s hilarious…raw internet FTW!
.-= P T´s last blog ..Wednesday Emails – Types Of Pussy =-.
B is completely right. He can, however, substitute the punch in the face for a cock punch or an atomic wedgie. Any would be acceptable.
.-= Mike´s last blog ..Get them before they get you. =-.
I have to say, I actually agree 100% on the elevator thing. Do you think I’m just standing there for my health? Willing it to arrive? Oy.
.-= Liebchen´s last blog ..Not one of my better mornings =-.
That whole “someone pushing the elevator button while I’m standing there and have OBVIOUSLY already pushed it” thing bugs the CRAP out of me, too. Those people are control freaks, for sure.
.-= Georgia´s last blog ..Melody of Certain Three =-.
To echo what everyone else has said so far: “raw internet” may be my favorite thing from these installments, EVER.
I’ll be there tonight. Brave and probably by myself. Gulp.
.-= Vie´s last blog ..A Universal Truth (Alt title: why being celibate in your 20s in DC sucks) =-.
When peope push the button after me, I look them straight in the eye and push it one more time, for emphasis. I get the last push!
Question for B: If a guy is telling a girl that he loves her, misses her, wants to be with her, but the guy is dating another girl, what IS his deal? Is he worth waiting around for?
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..Earning "It" Back =-.
ITT Tech commercial (god I hate them!) needs to be redone exactly as B described.
.-= Marie´s last blog ..Yoga Fear List =-.
Your boyfriend totally reminds me of my friend Brandon. They even look similar.
.-= Stephanie´s last blog ..Longest Week Ever!! =-.
Ahhhh, the chicken wing comment!!
.-= Melissa´s last blog ..Freaky (Funny!) Friday =-.
Damn you and B for making me laugh and making my sore abs HURT EVEN MORE.
Also, I can’t wait to lick your face tonight.
.-= PQ´s last blog ..How to Party Like A Blogger =-.
Haha that is so funny! I would have to agree about the elevator though. That’s a pet peeve of mine as well. Like hello! I know how to push the button! Use your detective skills to recognize that it’s lit up, meaning I pushed it, meaning be patient because the elevator is coming!
I prefer my internet medium rare, personally!
PS – I thought his advice column was pretty awesome, but I don’t have any questions. Hope he does it again though!
.-= Soda and Candy´s last blog ..Travel tip =-.
Oh I can not wait to see what comes out of the mouths of your children. I mean…if birth control fails you someday.
Question for B- if a girl was going to propose to her boyfriend, what kind of proposal would knock his socks off?
=-.
.-= Nikki´s last blog ..Flashback Friday: Nice coconuts
I’m sure B’s scent can move mountains. Or elevators
.-= A Super Girl´s last blog ..Friday Foto FAIL =-.
I have always dreamed of being trampoline rich! I guess Wade should go to ITT Tech! Screw his MBA!
Happy Friday and have a drink for me at your happy hour! Jealous!
.-= Kellie´s last blog ..How about WordFULL Wednesday? =-.
fortunately, my cat hasn’t figured out how to get up on the kitchen counters while i’m making dinner…yet…she does try to trip you to get the food though. damn sneaky cats.
question: should the sex be had on a first date to find out if the whole mess is worth a second date? or should the third date rule be followed? seems like it would be a shame to get to the third date, tag it, and find out you were wasting your time on the other two dates… (either way…if it’s good you should have been having more of the sex, if it’s bad, you should have been long gone)
patiently awaiting b’s sage, scrufy, yoda-like advice.
LOL I have to admit, I think the exact same thing about the elevator situation. Silly people, thinking we can’t press buttons. And now, thanks to B, I shall never think of chicken wings the same way, again. Have an amazing weekend
.-= Nikolett´s last blog ..therapeutic fridays: those awkward coversations =-.
Oh B, just because it was a girl chicken DOESN’T make it right . . .
Were you jealous, LiLu?
.-= Paula´s last blog ..WHERE IN THE WORLD WEDNESDAY: TALES FROM A HEN WEEK . . . =-.
Mmmm raw internet with a side of wireless. Delish!
.-= Meghan´s last blog ..I’ve Moved! =-.
B actually made a good point on the elevator button. A lot of people do that and it annoys me when I pressed the button too. It’s like I feel like screaming “DEAR LORD WAIT!”
Oh my gosh the kitchen one is my favorite! And the elevator one is SO true!!!!
.-= Becky´s last blog ..End of the week musings =-.
haha. Raw internet. Tempting.
I thought of your “SHiz my boyfriend says” the other day.
I called my bf (who is from New Zealand, so does not know things like we know things) from the grocery store asking what we should have for dinner. It was Fat Tuesday, so I said we should have something in honor of Mardi Gras.
He response: Pussy? Since its where girls take their clothes off?
Me: NO! Like something cajun or creole.
Ok, not so funny when I type it. It was funny when he said it, completely Innocently
Oh for serious. That elevator thing bothers the shit outta me too. Can’t you people see that the button is lit up?
.-= nikki´s last blog ..The Brewer Brigade is swinging south, the Schafer Shift, North….or BSC Super Special #14, BSC in the USA =-.
“Raw internet” may be the funniest thing I’ve ever heard. In my life.
.-= hillary´s last blog ..Blow Out That Cherry Bomb For Me =-.
i am also a lover of all things chicken wing.
for serious.
.-= tia´s last blog ..X marks the (hot) spot. =-.
OMG YES!! The elevator one kills me!! it’s like they assume you’re just hanging out in front of the elevator – like you’re too stupid to have pressed it.
.-= Kristen´s last blog ..killa-am:Begging for Spring: a killa-am mixtapePlease note:… =-.
The ELEVATOR one. So true. Well played, B.
Have fun tonight lover!
.-= Elizabeth Marie´s last blog ..It’s My Birthday! Or? Cheers To Some Bad Decisions. =-.
Aahhh, just want I needed. A daily dose of B snarkieness.
Amen to the elevator speech!
.-= Aloha Toni!´s last blog ..Life squeezes so tight that I can’t breath =-.
that shit is classic!
if it were possible I would be buying B the next fews rounds of beer… just to keep him around long enough to hear what comes out of his mouth!!!
I know some people have mixed feelings about these things, but I have an award for you over at my blog.
http://veronicamarcettidimick.blogspot.com/2010/02/someone-else-loves-me-crazy-i-know.html
And I am glad to be able to bestow it to you on a Shiz my BF says day. Love the little peeks into your hilarious life!
.-= Veronica´s last blog ..Someone Else Loves Me. Crazy, I Know. =-.
What does raw internet look like exactly?
I feel B’s pain with the elevator button. Though I must admit. I’m the guy…errr girl sorry…that will press the button again. And half the time it hadn’t been pressed. Not quite sure everyone knows how an elevator works.
Happy weekend to you and B and your lil devil kitties. I saw that with love of course.
.-= Ela´s last blog ..Losing My Wisdom {Teeth} =-.
We all know how you love that RAW INTERNET Lilu…you nasty girl!
.-= Lil’ Woman ´s last blog ..He Really Does Love Me. =-.
I spend alot of time waiting for elevators at work and i usually end up thinking like B or them pushing the buttom more than once is going to make it come any faster NOT!!! Love it!
.-= caroline´s last blog ..WEDNESDAY WEIGH-IN =-.
alright, lover, i gotta go with B on the elevator thing. 4 years in the college dorms nearly turned me into the person who got thrown in jail for murdering elevator-idiots.
.-= raeleighjo/bigskygirl´s last blog ..the one where you guys say ZOMG SHE BLOGGED HOLY POTATOES. Also, there is much talk of potatoes in this post. =-.
have a drink for me tonight!
.-= allison´s last blog ..interesting… =-.
I had to laugh about this with my husband! Especially the elevator quote! It’s so true.
.-= Terin´s last blog ..skinID Trial: Day One =-.
“…we’re trampoline rich, bitch!” LMAO! I love it! I kinda have a similar reaction to those dumb ads.
Happy Friday Happy Hour! I wish I could be there. It sounds so fun.
.-= Jen´s last blog ..Writer’s Workshop: As we are =-.
Hi Lilu,
I really love reading your blog so am passing on the Beautiful Blogger Award! Just visit my blog over at http://www.domesticallychallengedhousewife.blogspot.com to collect the award and instructions for passing it on to your fave bloggers. Looking forward to more great reads
…Nic
Raw internet…is that like porn??
It’s not just that he’s funny. You’re funny too. If you have kids, they will be SNL stars, I swear!
.-= Herding Cats´s last blog ..Happy Belated Valentine’s/Chinese New Year/President’s Day/Black History Month/Fat Tuesday =-.
i like him. too funny…
.-= cari´s last blog ..evangelizing my backyard… =-.
Mmmmm… raw internetz.
.-= Jay´s last blog ..Freestyle Friday: Yeeaaaahhhhhh!! =-.
I think a lot of us would love us some raw internet. Sounds divine.
.-= Her´s last blog ..Now what?! =-.
Hahaha raw internet. Internet sushi, perhaps? Mmmm….. internet…. *drools*
.-= Simply T´s last blog ..TMI Thursday: There’s A Reason Why I Blocked This Out Of My Memory =-.
I understand the cats in the kitchen ordeal! Our cats are generally good at staying off the counter when I cook, and have even learned to be good at dinner time (not begging results in treats later – they aren’t dumb), but they are HUGE fans of washing dishes! What’s up with that?? It’s WATER! But I have had to remove cats from the drainer, and from the sink itself, but most often just from the edge, because I get tired of being splashed by the mighty bubble hunters.
.-= Connie´s last blog ..Built-in Frames =-.
I have no clue what raw internet is, but it sounds AMAZING
.-= Maxie´s last blog ..hey dc, what are you doing tonight? =-.
Ooooh I remember you from my first jaunt at blogging. Then I disappeared cause of creeps, but now I am back. Your boyfriend remains hilarious. (And no you were not the creep!)
Hah! We totally share the hatred for those elevator button-pushers!
.-= nashe´s last blog ..Hasta la vista, bebeh. =-.
HAHA! He had a good point about the raw internet…
I mean, who WOULDN’T be interested?!
HAHA, raw internet. Love it!!
.-= Emily Jane´s last blog ..So Far Away =-.
I totally agree with him on the elevator thing.
As for raw internet… well, make sure there are no minors around if you’re looking at THAT shit!
.-= JustLinda´s last blog ..Why I Write =-.
That elevator thing isn’t just insulting. It wastes my time. The door was finally about to close because no one had pushed a button for the last 2 seconds. AND NOW YOU TOTALLY RESET THE ELEVATOR DOOR CLOCK THING. Now I have to wait another 2 seconds. Asshats.
.-= brad´s last blog ..the friendly skies =-.
you guys are funny!
that 2nd one really cracked me up!!!
have a lovely wkend!!!
.-= Randi´s last blog ..Happy Friday =-.
Raw internet.
Love it.
is there more of him where he came from?can i amazon.com me someone like him?cos it jst doesn’t see, right tht i cn’t hve my very own B to make me laugh like this all the time!
.-= this is my life´s last blog ..happy tomorrow =-.
The elevator button thing is annoying. I guess we were all born to just push buttons and some people can’t control their, ahem, urges.
.-= speakyourself´s last blog ..Valentines shmalentines =-.
I really hope my next boyfriend is JUST LIKE B!
.-= meleah rebeccah´s last blog ..Doing Things Differently – My Week In Review [Part Two] =-.
Question for B, in his infinite wisdom:
If you’re at a bar with a jukebox and only one dollar, what song is the most likely to start a spontaneous singalong?
.-= That Kind of Girl´s last blog ..TKOG Who gets tough on dishes, Felix Unger style =-.
trampoline rich, bitch!!! loves it
.-= Heather´s last blog ..am I running from pain or the things that I fear =-.
Hopefully my question isnt too late!
So B… I was wondering what the protocol for staying in tough with an ex that already has a new g/f. Do guys want to keep in touch with there exes? is friendship really attainable post-break-up? I get that his new g/f would not be a fan of our friendship, but is there a way to make this transistion easier?
Thanks for the help!
-Kelly
guiltyofgossip.blogspot.com
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Valentine’s Day Swap! =-.
Whoa, random I too keep a running list of things my boyfriend says. I used to have it on my blog but then moved it over to twitter after popular demand haha. It sounds like our boyfrans would get along ^_^
twitter.com/thingsmybfsays
.-= Liz´s last blog ..Music Monday: Reverie Sound Revue =-.
Ummmmmm….he and I…..we could be mind twins. It’s a good thing my husband doesn’t blog…because he could do an entire blog with the things that spew out of my brain through my mouth.
Hahahhaa, the elevator one is so true. It’s one of my biggest pet peeves!
.-= Jessica´s last blog ..I’d Like To Think The Best Of Me Is Still Hiding Up My Sleeve =-.
“Raw internet”…love it. I don’t know why everyone has to push the elevator button again. It’s like why are there eight hot dog buns but we buy ten hot dogs.
Haha. I like this segment! And I share a common love of all things chicken wings with your bf. I’ve blogged about it more than once. I laughed out loud at a few of these though. And you get so many comments! How? Teach me your ways!!!
.-= Dominick Bonny ´s last blog ..Music Monday: The ex lover edition =-.
I’m totally with him on the elevator button thing. It’s like, “OH. THANK YOU. YOU PRESSED THAT BUTTON IN AWAY THAT IS MUCH BETTER THAN WHAT I AM CAPABLE OF. OHHH! HERE IT COMES!!”
And LOL to the “raw internet.”
.-= Mermanda´s last blog ..New expletive of choice =-.
i need to just say…my number #4 pet peeve in LIFE is the person who pushes the lit elevator button when i’m standing there. seriously. what is your malfunction, dude? the shit is lit.
.-= metroadlib´s last blog ..why i fux with lux =-.
I GLARE at people who press the elevator button after me. Like obviously glare. A few times [when I had a drink in me or six] I actually have said “I pressed it already” as they are reaching for the button. They get so embarrassed and uncomfortable – total vindication!
.-= L.´s last blog ..Be Gelous =-.
OMG! so was there someone behind him at the elevator when he said that!?!?
Raw internet?? HAHAHAHAHAHAHaAAAAAAAAA priceless!!!
.-= BigMamaCass´s last blog ..Swim baby swim!! =-.