Hey, lovers! One of our bloggy cohorts came to me with a “post-she-can’t-post” but needs advice on. I know how damn lucky I am to be able to write whatever the hell I want here at my e-home, and so I am glad to be able to give that freedom to a fellow friend.
I can’t link to her in case her familia finds it, but let’s just call her… hmm… MAMA BEAR. I think most of you will get that. If you don’t, your completely unbiased opinion is definitely welcome.
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I have a problem.
Crap.
Wait.
My problem has a back story that I haven’t been able to write about on my blog, so let me give you a quick recap.
Last year my blog was “discovered” by my in-laws. They were pissed (rightfully so). Drama ensued. I had to make a VERY hard phone call to my SIL, apologizing for what I wrote.
For 30 minutes, all hell broke loose.
She yelled, she ranted, her husband ranted in the background. Soon her train went off the rails and she started yelling at me about everything and anything.
I sat silent.
The entire time.
Even when she told me that my husband would regret being with me.
When everything was done I gave her one last voice cracking “I’m sorry” and hung up the phone. In between my sobs I told Dan what was said.
I literally watched his eyes grow cold.
He hasn’t talked to her since.
Do you follow all of that?
Okay, then let’s start with my present problem.
My husband and I are getting remarried in a church. We have to so that we can officially join the church. Another wedding, dress, party?
Oh hell yeah.
I view this wedding as a chance to celebrate the Hubby & I’s love (oh god that felt cheesy to type…but it’s true) I recently told my husband that I didn’t feel comfortable inviting his sister and her husband since they so strongly opposed…..us. Especially since we had to keep our guest list to a minimum.
Why invite two people that hate our relationship when I could have two that support us?
The Hubby said he could see my point.
But…..
He thought that it was going to create a lot of drama. He also thought this would be an opportunity to show his sister that “See, you were wrong.” Then he brought up the killer point.
This would upset his Grandma.
Double crap.
Hubby’s Grandma is one of the big reasons we were having a more formal wedding.
So what do I do interwebs? Do I have two people that “hate” us at our wedding to keep the peace? Or do I try to take a stand? Either way our wedding risks turning into a political statement.
“You aren’t invited so ttthhhhhppppp….”
or
“Come see how happy we still are so tttthhhhhhppppp…..”
Help?
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So lend her your words of wisdom, internets! Maybe it’s because I haven’t had to do it yet, but all this wedding drama sort of fascinates me. Speaking of wedding drama, have you seen the Bridal Bloggettes’ new home? Have you? Go look. I’ll wait. It’s kind of pretty, isn’t it?
I DID THAT.
Okay, now back to Ra- I mean, Mama Bear’s quandry. What to do??? Help, Interwebs!
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{ 165 comments }
Ooh what a biiitch. I would say to invite them. Eff it. Maybe they won’t come? If they do, and start getting out of line, then you get to ask them to leave.
Just A Girl´s last blog ..Really Starbucks? Really?
NotAMeanGirl Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 1:37 pm
And if they don’t attend they look like vindictive, grudge holding asswipes. YOU went the extra mile inviting them. Bwahahahaha
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 2:33 pm
Fingers crossed
Christina Harper Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 5:19 pm
Personally, it’s your wedding (and the Hubby’s, even if it’s the second time around and all) and family that makes you feel lousy or are just plain bitchy toward you should not, and must not, be invited. They’ll just ruin it for you and make more of a scene. And if Grandma can’t understand that, and that the situation isn’t about her, then oh well.
Can’t you tell I really don’t like the whole institution of families to begin with?
Don’t invite them.
Everyone hates weddings anyway. You’ll be doing them a favor. Especially the guys. We really really hate that shit.
You’re welcome.
moooooog35´s last blog ..Infiltrating the Texas Roadhouse Secret Society
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 2:33 pm
Well now YOU aren’t getting invited you wedding hater
I’m all for taking a stand.
Especially on your wedding day. Or your second wedding day. Even your third, if that’s your style.
I understand your husband wants to keep the peace, but it’s not fair to put you in the position of having someone that isn’t there for you on your day. So while it may be a nice gesture, if you’re not 100% comfortable with it, he should be more understanding towards that than what seems to be an immature sister.
I can easily see both sides so I know this isn’t easy. I wish you the best of luck and hope that whatever happens, you come out happy.
Ashley´s last blog ..New Friend Friday
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 2:35 pm
He is being understanding and not forcing the issue. I know if I stomped my feet he would give in, but it is his party too so I have to take his feelings into account.
Though I like you the mostest for agreeing with me
I’m getting married this summer and are facing similar problem with my guest list. My fiancé and I talked it over and decided to invite.
But before the invitations are sent we’ll call the party in question and tell them we want them there, we hope they can be happy for us and take this opportunity to forgive on behalf of family. Then if we get anger we’ll say “I’m sorry you feel that way, I hope we can be close sometime in the future”.
Then don’t beat yourself up over it. You will have been the bigger person and made an effort. The rest is out of your hands.
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 2:36 pm
You are so right with the “bigger person” comment. If I stick to this fight I risk making the same mistakes I made before.
Ugh
I don’t know, lady. It’s a tough one. I’m all for saying “screw family” but what would happen if your sister in law told his grandma about the fight/blog. Would she care? If she would, I say invite them. If she’d realize that it’s just a blog and not worth fighting over then I say screw em. Either way, it’s your wedding. You should do what makes YOU the happiest.
Maxie´s last blog ..words of wisdom
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 2:37 pm
…….I hadn’t even thought of them telling her……
*becomes crazy paranoid*
Ugh. Coming from someone who has terrible in-laws, I really feel your pain. I don’t know what to suggest. With my situation, I would claw my own eyes out before inviting the SIL. But maybe just do it, be the bigger person, and be done with it??
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 2:38 pm
Let us get together and have “Crazy SIL-tinis”. I always bond best over drinks.
How small a wedding is it? Let’s be honest, no matter what the size of the wedding, you will be able to avoid them rather easily (I mean, what bride has time to sit around and chit chat with two unloving guests at her party when there are a thousand- or just three- others who would much rather tell her how beautiful she looks?). Be on the side of the angels and invite them, so when G-ma comes a knockin you can tell her you did everything you could to make it up to them for the blog incident and now it’s out of your control. The unhappy couple will only ruin your day if you let them.
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 2:39 pm
I really liked your “be on the side of the angels”. Those are words to live by.
Invite them, but put them in a special sound proof air tight booth.
That might solve the immediate problems, and any future problems if you leave them in there long enough.
Mike´s last blog ..5 Things you really need to attend a LAN party
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 2:39 pm
Hmmmm….I like your style. Wanna be my wedding planner?
I say invite them (even though if it was me I would absolutely hate writing that invite!!) and hope that they wont come. Likelihood is that she wont accept the invite out of spite anyway! x
jen – tsk´s last blog ..Valentines….Schmalentines!
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 2:40 pm
That would be the perfect outcome.
The best advice I can give you is to never, EVER use the word “hubby” again. You sound like Gilbert Grape’s mother.
Other than that, invite them, if only for your grandma. If she doesn’t show up, it’s not your problem. If she does and she acts like an adult, score one for you! If she does anything dramatic, your husband should take his sister outside and remind her that this day is about you guys, not her.
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 2:40 pm
How do you know I’m not Gilbert Grape’s mother? I like to wash myself with a rag on a stick.
Send them an invite. If they hate you that much they probably won’t even show up. But if they do come and start some shit, then everyone will see how petty they really are.
Stephanie´s last blog ..Crazy Ladies & Dog Beds
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 2:41 pm
That would make my job easier.
Yay Bridal Bloggettes new layout!
Mama Bear – I say invite them. As much as you don’t want to, I think it’ll wind up hurting your husband more in the end if you don’t. Even though he hasn’t spoken to his sister since the incident, it’s still family, and I think a lot more family members will be upset if they are purposely left out. And if they decide to start drama or act like fools during the wedding, then they can be rightfully kicked out, and everyone will see how awful they are.
Hope you can come to a decision! (I’m starting to hate wedding planning…)
Lacey Bean´s last blog ..WEDDING STUFF!!!!!!
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 2:43 pm
Trust me, the first wedding is the hardest. This 2nd wedding (or vow renewal as some people call) it really easy….
…..I mean expect for this part….
This is so hard. I would invite them with the hopes that they don’t come. And if they do, maybe you’ll be able to resolve your differences. If they get obscene, give them the boot.
Nickie´s last blog ..LC by Lauren Conrad Collection.
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 2:43 pm
I do know that my husband doesn’t want to resolve, but maybe a chance at civility?
Lol I really want to know what made the sister-in-law go so crazy!!!!
Personally, I would say screw ‘em because that was nasty (although again I dunno what YOU said, so maybe you should be grovelling still) but them not being there would put a huge dampner on the day, while if they were there, you’d just be a little irritated. You’ve already had your wedding day….this is just a formality, so put you husband and new in-laws first.
If it makes you feel better, your sister-in-law will be annoyed either way: you don’t invite, she’s pissed cos she was snubbed: you do invite her and she looks terrible if she declines or she’ll come and be pissed of because she’ doesn’t want to be there and you guys are so happy!
Hermia´s last blog ..The Giving My Life Some Purpose Project: Week 2
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 2:45 pm
I vented about in-law stuff and I hurt my MIL with my pettiness (which I completely regret). The problem was that the SIL went past the issue and just DUMPED 10 years of stuff on me.
Everything is “fixed” with the MIL so I don’t NEED to grovel, but I make an effort to passively grovel once in a while to show my remorse.
I say invite them. If they really do hate you, they likely won’t come, and they can explain their absence to Grandma. (And you will have been the bigger person by sending the invitation their way.)
nikki´s last blog .."The Quimbys had a clever younger daughter…"or Ramona Quimby, Age 8
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 2:46 pm
All very good points.
I think you should invite them – it makes you look like you took the high road. And if SIL hates your union as much as you say, they’ll likely boycott the wedding. And then everyone in the family will be all “oh you poor thing, they’re awful, so awful. We love you. We hate SIL.” Plus, you did kind of start the whole drama thing by writing mean things in your blog (not that I don’t do the same.) It doesn’t excuse what SIL said, but try to extend the olive branch. I can’t imagine it’s easy for hubby to not speak to his sister and to have all the family dramas. Good luck!
Jackie´s last blog ..Happy (?) New Year!
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 2:47 pm
I can only dream it would go that well
the least amount of drama would be to invite them. plus i’m sure the SIL would be more peeved that she was invited and therefore cannot openly bitch about how awful mamabear is. whereas if she didn’t invite there’s more public fuel for the hating.
linda´s last blog ..First Valentine Celebration of the Year
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 2:47 pm
I get what you are saying EXACTLY
My gut says that if it was your family you can say screw them. But it’s his family so he has to be the one to say no. For better and usually worse, family is forever, and the drama will last forever as well. And it’s never a bad idea to make Gram happy.
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 2:48 pm
True and true
I say invite them. There’s a good chance they might not turn up anyway AND you get to feel like the bigger person. If they do turn up, whatever, least you look awesome.
Sid Kane´s last blog ..It’s just like Facebook – weekend photos
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 2:49 pm
Well I would never shy away from a chance to look awesome
You just need to weigh the pros and cons. Will not inviting them hurt Grandma so much that she would hold a grudge and would ruin the relationship? Have you spoken to G-ma about what was said and given her your point?
Also, maybe if you invite them, they just won’t come if they are that opposed to your relationship. Do you think (even though they said horrible things) that they would cause a big scene at your wedding in front of friends and family?
We had somewhat of a similar situation at our wedding. My husband’s biological mother is a complete fuckup and basically abandoned him and his brother at a pretty young age. She is an alcoholic and has 2 other children from another marriage who received more attention than my husband and his brother. Needless to say, my husband does not particularly like his mother, though he will be civil with her, and was raised by his father and step mom (his step mom is a really nice lady). When it came time for our wedding, Kenny made the decision that he was not going to invite his mother or even tell her about the wedding. Which further meant he could not invite his half-siblings and his grandfather from that side, but that was a cut he was willing to make. He feared that she would get drunk and belligerent at our wedding and possibly cause a scene with his stepmother, especially since anything having to do with mother-son things were going to involve his stepmother, not her. So we just didn’t invite her. I asked him over and over again if he was absolutely SURE he didn’t want to, and he said yes. She later found out that we had a wedding, but she didn’t seem upset about it. Maybe you should let your husband decide if he wants her there or not? It is his sister, after all.
Christy´s last blog ..Miss America
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 2:51 pm
I would like to think that they wouldn’t cause a scene. But I would also think that they wouldn’t tell someone that their husband will regret being with them.
I get your point though. Thank you.
i vote to invite them.
you’ll be the bigger person(s) and not doing so would create more drama than is necessary. you don’t have to hang out with them and be excited that they came but just be polite. bite your tongue and smile if they come up to talk to you.
keeping the peace within a family is always a necessary evil.
notsojenny´s last blog ..am i in trouble?
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 2:51 pm
It’s the one issue with marriage that I’m still getting the hang of….
Inviting them is taking the higher road. If they don’t come – makes them looks like asshats. If they do come and act horrible – makes them look like asshats…You win either way!
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 2:52 pm
…and you win for using asshats in a comment, TWICE
Be the bigger person and invite them. If they don’t show a) it’s on them to be the assholes and disppoint Grandma and b) they don’t show. Either way, it’s a good thing…
If they do show, either everyone will see what butt heads they’ll be or they’ll behave and let you have your day of Love!
Cute~Ella´s last blog ..school-ku
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 2:52 pm
Sigh
you are correct
Invite them. It sucks, but it’s the “right” thing to do. If they don’t show, they look like jerks. If they show and somehow ruin it, they look like jerks. If you don’t invite them, you’re the jerk. Plus, if there are any children involved, you may be able to teach them a lesson about forgiveness.
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 2:53 pm
You are right, I should set a good example for our daughter.
Thanks
I really feel for you. This is the worst kind of predicament.
In this particular case, and with family in general, I would make the choice to be the bigger person rather than to be right. (Even if you are both.)
imgonnabreakyourheart´s last blog ..muscle memory
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 2:54 pm
Yeah, being “right” can just be so wrong sometimes
Oh hell, just invite them.
I want to elope. Not engaged with the Church whatsoever but my future in-laws are all about baptisms, confirmations, communions and all that c-related crap. Point being, I’m getting married in a Church because it’s important to my future husband and his family too. And maybe, it’s important to your husband too-even if he’s not coming out and saying it.
I’m not saying you don’t have a right to exclude them. But remember, karma is a bitch and it’ll come back sixfold. Kudos to you for even contemplating the high road!
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 2:54 pm
I hate bad karma, it’s so damn inconvenient
I’d invite them and flaunt the shit out of your wicked awesome marriage that deserves not ONE wedding, but TWO. You don’t need to talk to them, but maybe they’ll apologize.
Candice´s last blog ..A Toast to Some Travellers: People to Stalk
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 2:55 pm
You know what? I DO have a wicked awesome marriage!
I think you should be the bigger person and invite them. Maybe they won’t come. I faced a similar issue while planning my wedding for this coming May but we’ve been working through the issue and I think by the time the wedding rolls around everything will have been resolved. Maybe that can happen with you as well.
Shannon´s last blog ..Yummy Yummy Goodness
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 2:55 pm
I’m glad things are working out for you! I’ll hope for the same.
I say invite them..even though she’s a bitch, kill her and her wack husband with kindness. You’ll be and look like the better person because of it.
If it makes you feel any better, my mom beat up her MIL at her reception. I swear on my life she did. The MIL walked out on her son during the mother-son dance and my mama wasn’t having none of that….she followed her to her house and they got into a fist fight while she was still in her dress then came back to the reception, and acted like nothing happened….
Hope that makes ya feel better!
Lil’ Woman´s last blog ..Grammy Yay’s & Nay’s
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 2:57 pm
Please arrange for your mother and I to have a drink together ASAP
pretty please?
I say invite them.
It shows you’re the bigger person. Maybe they won’t show?
If you don’t invite them, then your in-laws will be even nastier, and it will hurt gram, and possibly your husband. If you show him that you’re willing to make this sacrifice for him and his family, then it can only serve to strengthen your bond.
If worse comes to worst and they do show, so what? you have to pretend you like her for a few hours. That amount of time is so small compared to the rest of your life.
I totally understand why you might not want them there, and I respect those reasons, but I think it would best if you did invite them.
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 2:57 pm
You are right, I don’t want to make things nasty again
Go and be the bigger person and then don’t speak to them.
Lee the Hot flash queen´s last blog ..Education is the Cornerstone of Life
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 2:58 pm
That is some VERY good advice
Family is family and sometimes you need to take a stand and sometimes you need to make Grandma happy. If part of the reason you are having this wedding is for Grandma then by all means do what needs to be done to keep her happy. If it was just for you then I’d say don’t invite them.
Grace´s last blog ..Palm Springs
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 2:59 pm
We are doing it for us, but really are glad that we are making her happy. So the best move is to keep making her happy.
In the UK anyone can come to a service in a church regardless so i say invite them to the service but not the party afterwards. Make sure you have separate invites for the evening party thing and they don’t get one. Everyone wins
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 2:59 pm
Hmmmm….I’ll keep that in mind.
I’m all about extending the olive branch. And then being the most respendently happy bride that ever was. If they choose to come and she is shooting daggers at you, it’s because she’s jealous and mean and has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her.
k8´s last blog ..Cheese! Glorious Cheese!
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 3:00 pm
I do like having people jealous of me, so that sounds like a win!
Push comes to shove, invite. Not much to lose, everything to gain.
What I’m really wondering, though, is if your brother won’t sit down with his sister before the wedding to talk the situation through and set a standard of behavior. Not in one thousand million years would I let my sister speak so harshly to my spouse. She doesn’t have to like my decisions, but she would not be allowed to take it out on whoever I’ve chosen to spend my life with.
I’m not much for apologizing for blog posts. It was what you were thinking and feeling at the time, and if you can’t address with her in a constructive and mature manner, then why shouldn’t you be able to vent/seek advice/etc?
Re: inviting, think about it this way. Either she won’t show, or she’ll have to watch you be a bride again. You win both ways.
verybadcat´s last blog ..A Thousand Tiny Miracles
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 3:02 pm
He wanted to yell at her, but we were in the middle of making things right with his parents and didn’t want to rock the boat. He may still talk to her, but trust me on this he was the MADDEST I have ever seen him when he heard what was said.
I do take some safety in that.
totes invite them and then just feel all smug about it. i love being the bigger, smugger person. you’re invincible on your second wedding day! and if they act like poopheads, you can write about it on your blog. *evil grin*
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 3:03 pm
I would like to have you be my evil sidekick. It’s a good thing.
Hmm tough one. I am at odds with my SIL as well BUT so is my brother! What was written that was so bad? and when is the wedding? I would try one more time to apologize and be the bigger person and invite them but also menti0n the words that were said and tell them if they really feel that way then you would hope they would not ruin your day. Do it for your husband and grandma.
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 3:05 pm
To be honest, I apologized once and that’s when everything went to hell so I’m not really willing to try again. The hubby also said he never wanted me to go through that again. But I do see your point. Thank you.
I say “invite them”. Taking the high road, and all that.
But also, I don’t know how old you both are, but you are going to have to cope with his family for the rest of your life and that’ll probably be a good long time. Why not make the long road a little easier? 60 years ahead of hatefulness and spite doesn’t look like any kind of fun.
And though many brides (and their grooms) don’t realize it so much these days, weddings are about family, and community, and celebration. It’s not always just about what you would like to see happen. Compromise is part of life, and certainly part of marriage; why not accept that from the get-go? Your lives together will be even happier as a result.
Best wishes on the upcoming nuptials!
expateek´s last blog ..Oh, your cleaning lady knows EVERYTHING….
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 3:06 pm
I am trying to not be so filled with bitterness and taking this stand would probably not help my path one bit.
I say invite them. There’s probably a good chance they won’t show up, and it makes your husband happy. In my opinion, this gets to be his call since it is his family. Hopefully he would extend the same to you if the tables were turned.
He gets to deal with her though. I’d probably avoid speaking to her and let him to do the greeting and all that jazz.
Lisa´s last blog ..A note from The Universe.
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 3:07 pm
Oh yeah, he’s going to be my bodyguard when it comes to them
This is a toughie… I would probably go ahead and invite them though. Then you get to be the bigger person, and that is one of life’s best victories that you can have.And if they start drama, they will look like assholes because it’s YOUR wedding.
carissajade´s last blog ..Decisions, Decisions
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 3:07 pm
You are very right. Being the better person is the best victory.
Option two. I think it’s the only way you can keep the peace but to be honest, I think it’s more fun that way. (Perhaps because I LIKE drama? Who knows?) I just think it’s a good opportunity to be the bigger person (or, since you already KNOW you are the bigger person, to show THEM that too!) AND rub everyone’s faces in your happiness.
Paula´s last blog ..BLOGGER ENVY . . .
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 3:08 pm
Yeah, I would like to show them that I am a bigger person
I would be the better person and invite your SIL, you don’t want this fight to last forever-its really not worth it-and by inviting her you will be working towards repairing the family conflict. It’s up to her if she will accept the invitation and allow herself to begin to forgive you and your husband.
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 3:09 pm
Forever fights do suck
I would invite them…that way any drama that ensues is because of them not you. If they cause a scene people will be more apt to understand why you are not speaking with them in the first place. If you don’t invite them, you are just flaming the fire…
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 3:09 pm
Very good points
Oh FAMILY, why do they have to be such pains? I would say do one or the other from the following:
1. Invite them and they might actually not come. If they do, there will be enough people there to avoid them.
2. Have a teeny ceremony where only a limited amount of people are invited (i.e. parents, grandma and that’s it).
Wishing you the best of luck with this.
Marie´s last blog ..Important Questions
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 3:10 pm
I’m going to go with number 1
Invite them. Go ahead. Show them that you are classy people. And mature. Also have someone talk to the couple. You don’t want any drama at the wedding. It could be a great opportunity to mend the feud. If you want. If they misbehave at the wedding they will look like total idiots.
We had to do this for my sons wedding. X would not go if I went. I went, he stayed home and everyone regrets that he couldn’t act like a grown up for a few hours to share a special day with his son and new daughter in law.
Priscilla´s last blog ..My Funny Valentine
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 3:10 pm
You do speak with past wisdom.
Invite them.
Put the responsibility for attending on their shoulders. That way, if they don’t attend and it ever comes up, you can say “We invited them. They choose not to come.”
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 3:11 pm
Hmmm more evidence to strengthen our case. I like that.
Eek! This is a rough situation. If you don’t really want to seek a further relationship with these people (is it just too far gone? or did you never like them in the first place?) then I say don’t invite them. It’s YOUR day, it should be about what you and your husband want. Or maybe extend an invite anyway under the pretense that you would like them to be there for familial support and remind them to keep their emotions low and maturity levels high. If you don’t think that can happen I’d say don’t invite ‘em.
maddy´s last blog ..Loose Change
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 3:12 pm
I know that I don’t want to have anymore to do with them, but others are right. Being the better person would be the best move.
I would say invite them, but keep your nose up in the air – DO NOT LET THEM BOTHER YOU. YOU invited them, and THEY should be ashamed of their behaviours as well. Invite and don’t worry. If they come act like a gracious host. The best you can do when it comes to family.
Margarita´s last blog ..The Lazy Housewife’s Guide to Keeping House
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 3:12 pm
I am very good at keeping my nose in the air.
I totally don’t know who originally wrote this so I think it’s safe to say I’m being unbiased when I say invite them. Why? I’m a big believer in not inviting people “just because,” but with family (particularly a sibling) it’s a different story. This may be the 2nd wedding, but this decision could effect the rest of your life because it’s not something you can “fix” or “take back” if in the future you reconcile. Also, you never want to be the person who convinced her husband not to have a family member at his wedding. Think about it from his shoes, would you want him to disinvite a close friend or family member of yours if he doesn’t think they are supportive? By inviting them, you are being the bigger person, the person who is going to be civil and mature. If they act innapropriately then it will only look bad on them. Good luck with whatever you choose.
Passionista´s last blog ..Rocks
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 3:13 pm
I do need to work on appearing more mature.
Notice I didn’t say BEING more mature. I just have to get better at faking it.
I don’t remember reading anything very derogatory about your in laws on your blog. In fact I think you censored a lot of that stuff. If they want to get mad at you for expressing yourself then poo on them. But for the sake of grandma go ahead at send the invite. If they don’t RSVP then it’s a weight lifted from your shoulders and now the olive branch is in their hands. If they do come then maybe you all can patch the rift but most likely they won’t mention anything because it really isn’t the atmosphere to do so at your wedding. Who knows, maybe after processing the fact that you have a blog they have decided it’s really not that big of a deal.
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 3:15 pm
I know I wrote some bad things in anger and I’m ashamed of that. But I still like saying “poo on them!”
I say be the bigger, better person and invite them. I know it sucks, but they ARE family. If she really feels that way, maybe she won’t come?
Herding Cats´s last blog ..When it rains….
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 3:15 pm
You are right.
You may not like this answer, but I say invite them. And not to necessarily rub it in their faces. This is your husband’s sister. They are family. And even though you may not have good ties right now do you want it to stay that way forever? By not inviting them it will most definitely never change. By inviting them you are basically saying you are willing to try to get past this. In the long haul I think it would be best for your family.
Best of luck!
Kellie´s last blog ..Weekly Want-it’s!
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 3:18 pm
I can honestly say that I think neither my husband or I really want a relationship with them anymore. Even when things were “good” it was very one sided and negative. But it is my husband’s sister so he should be allowed to make the final decision.
I’m in the invite them camp. If you do, there’s a chance, however slim, that it could be the right gesture in closing the rift. If not, at least you tried. I’d suggest having a contingency plan/designated bouncer in case the scene gets ugly, but you should have enough to do with the ceremony and people who’re actually happy for you that if the in-laws are being sticks in the mud, you don’t have to mess with them.
It might be a good move to make a phone call/have a sit down with the in-laws before the big day. Put on your diplomatic hat and say something along the lines of “I’m sorry I hurt you and I’d like to repair our relationship. I’ll understand if you don’t want to come, but I wanted to make sure you know I’d like it if you came and helped us celebrate.”
Sometimes a bit of ego massaging can go a long way in getting along – even though it’s not always the most fun thing to do. And then, if they get over it, well you can be smug ’cause YOU were the big person here.
Whatever you decide, I wish you the best and hope that the wedding day is fantastic.
Jean´s last blog ..Guy Unlikely
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 3:19 pm
I like the idea of having some be the “bouncer” even if it’s just to kill any negativity.
Invite them. They know you know you all hate each other. That invite in their mailbox is as good as a middle finger. pwned.
Oh, and I <3 your dress!!!!!!
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 3:20 pm
Thanks for the dress love!!!! I also like the idea of a long distance middle finger….
…that wasn’t very “bigger person” was it….
….man this is going to be hard….
Ok, I’ve never been married, but I’m preparing for the day where my warring family gets to come together and traumatize everyone else involved and I get HAMMERED during my vows to cope.
Be the bigger person. Invite her, and if she doesn’t show, she looks like the bitch she is. If she’s going to burn bridges over a blog, unless the blog featured nekkid pictures of her or something equally damning, then she’s just being a drama queen. If she comes, be courteous and nice and avoid with all costs and if all else fails, spike her drink with a Unisom or two. Trust me. It works.
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 3:20 pm
I think I love you
Is it possible for the 4 of you to make nice BEFORE the wedding? My blog got discovered last year, and I still have not patched things up with all involved.
But maybe you can resolve things, or nor resolve things, and invite them or not based on how that goes?
Either way, good for you for sticking to your guns.
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 3:21 pm
I won’t say it’s impossible to make nice, but it is unlikely
Take the high road and send the invitation. Then the onus is on SIL to respond with graciousness or decline the invitation. Either way, you’ve done the right thing and acted like a grownup.
Wendy´s last blog ..Amnesia
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 3:21 pm
Yeah I should be a grownup…..
IMNSHO…
it shouldn’t be about how they feel about you… it should be how you feel about them. First and foremost, do you want to have a relationship with her? Do you want to bury the hatchet? I’m sure a lot of what she said was “heat of the moment” type stuff and we all say shit we don’t mean at those time… but once it’s out, it can’t be put back in and we’re embarrassed/ashamed of what we said, but we’re too stubborn to say so.
I think reaching out to her and saying… “I know we’ve have issues in the past, but you’re my husband’s sister and you’re important to this family. I’d like to have you at the wedding, but for whatever reason, I can understand if you don’t want to come.” It puts the ball in her court.
Of course if you don’t like her anyway and don’t want to bury the hatchet… well then it’s a moot point.
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 3:22 pm
I don’t want to have a relationship with her, but I also don’t want to be a bitch. I’ll have to think about what you said.
I say invite them. Shove it in their face that you guys are still together and going strong!
Bird Shit´s last blog ..We Are Horrible (Part 2)
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 3:23 pm
We are going even stronger than before and part of it is because of what she said to me. I do get some sick satisfaction from that.
First of all I wouldn’t join any church, synagogue, pool hall or car-pool that would REQUIRE me to remarry for any reason. If your commitment and love isn’t enough proof you love and want to worship God, the to hell with them. You are conforming to SOMEONE’s made up rule.
And I wouldn’t inviter her at any function. Tell granny to record the event and show it to them if she wants them to see it. It is yours and your husbands event and not hers. She’s old enough to get over it.
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 3:24 pm
It’s a shame that I didn’t ask you for advice on my religious choices then isn’t it?
Criticize me for my in-law problem but please keep your religious judgement to yourself.
oh Sheez: You are not going to like what I am about to say…but I am one of your Mama Bear followers and have been married for 27 years, lived together 2 years (really not socially acceptable back then) and engaged for 2 years. All together been dealing with in laws for almost 32 years. Please, please invite them. It is more important to be the bigger person swallow your pride, make your husband happy and just ignore the bitch, if she comes. The inlaw thing is all about being above their ugliness! Trust me I know. I had a mother in law that was crazy and came at me with her fist, while holding a 1 year old. I walked out into the 106 degree heat to get away from her….but in the big scheme of things, she has passed on …& I am glad I was above it all, and didn’t clock her one in front of my son. NOW, all these years later I have praises heaped on me by both the sister in laws about how tolerant I was all those years and such a major part of their family. Your reward will come, just don’t let her get under your skin. It is all about being the bigger person.
I am dying to know what she went off on you for…thinking, thinking, thinking…hmm maybe I don’t want to know …LOL?
Donna´s last blog ..Beautiful Red Glass Heart Necklace
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 3:25 pm
You are right. Especially since you have had past experience with this.
I agree with the others. Invite them. Be the bigger person and extend the olive branch.
Kristina P.´s last blog ..Deer John
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 3:26 pm
Thank you.
Here’s the thing. I think it’s time to let go of the whole weddings-are-about-the-bride-and-maybe-the-groom mentality. Let’s get real. Weddings are about the family. The friends. The community. That’s why we invite people to our weddings. Especially this second wedding, the purpose of which is to validate the marriage in the church. That’s definitely about the community. Suck it up, invite the family, and be gracious while you’re at it. It’s not just about you, it’s about your family, and you SIL is part of that fanily.
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 5:23 pm
Ack! The bluntness!
Unfortunately I have learned that sometimes we do things for the sake of our families.
If you invite them, YOU are the good one, and if they don’t come, they look petty and you are the bigger person. If you don’t invite them, your SIL becomes the victim and you become the villain.
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 5:23 pm
Yeah, she’s pretty good at playing the victim
Oh, shit. That sucks. But I would say invite her, and then leave it to her to come or not. And then if she comes, you get to look like the bigger person, and she will probably be super uncomfortable. Then you get to send the smug thank-you card later. If she doesn’t come, then she looks like the asshole. I had to have one of those “invite everyone” weddings, and there were people there who I didn’t like. But it was still lots of fun. Also, I got really drunk and spilled my wine on the girl I didn’t like, which was personally satisfying on my (dominant) petty level.
Long and the short of it: You will be fighting with your in-laws forever, even if they’re friendlies. Take this opportunity to seem like the better person, and your husband will be grateful in the long run as well. Weddings are for people like the Grandma anyway.
emvandee´s last blog ..Tangelo Tart: Not just an amazing stripper name.
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 5:29 pm
You are VERY right, my hubby would be grateful in the long run and that is what is important.
Thank you everyone for weighing in on this subject. I read everything you wrote and in the long run, you are right.
I should invite them.
Sigh
*runs off to register for booze….lots and lots of booze*
I’m probably the worst person to give advice on this subject because
1. They invaded your privacy, in my opinion, and got all butt-hurt over (I’m guessing) something pretty ridiculous.
2. This, to me, is akin to them bugging your phone and holding what you bitch to your best friend about against you. Which is bullshit.
3. I don’t really like marriage anyway.
So you can see that my advice to you is going to be…well, probably not really what the polite person would do. I’d send them a “this is not an invitation, it’s a fuck you for being assholes” card about your remarriage.
Maybe Grandma will forget about this because she’s old. But I kind of think it’s bullshit for your husband to pull the grandmother card on what is supposed to be YOUR day (and I mean plural your). You’re supposed to be happy and comfortable and surrounded by people who love and support you. If Grandma can’t understand that, maybe she should stay home, too?
shine´s last blog ..Welcome to the new regime.
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 5:30 pm
Mentioning Grandma is the husband card, just like my card is asking him to do something for our daughter. It’s very handy in a disagreement
invite them, but sit them in the waaay back of the reception if they come. Also – you get points for being the bigger person – and if they are no shows bc they are making a point – they look like the idiots!
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 5:31 pm
I should make them sit right in front so they get completely covered in the incense.
I have no wedding expertise BUT I do have family drama expertise.
I would say invite them. It will keep the REST of the family from getting pulled into it, plus it makes you look like the bigger person.
Also? If she is terribly opposed to it, maybe she won’t even show up. Then, everyone wins. Because then she’s not there AND you did your part.
Kelly L´s last blog ..que sera, sera
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 5:32 pm
I definitely don’t want the rest of the family to get involved. You are completely right there.
the REAL question is: why are you trying to hard to please grandma? is she particularly sick and fragile? is there a shit-ton of money on the line if she kicks off? does she know harry potter’s magical life and death spell? i’d say DON’T invite. life isn’t about trying to please everyone else. all that amounts to is a TON of wasted time and effort. i’m guessing if SIL has such a beef with you, she’s just that type of person, and the rest of the family has probably been there before and would understand. if grandma complains, gently explain that there is an issue and you didn’t want to ruin your day. or don’t explain. it’s your day, you shouldn’t have to explain/defend a damn thing.
sherryrose´s last blog ..sherryrose: dropping everything i touch today. please eo not hand me any small pupies, children, hot beverages, nuclear warheads or cake.
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 5:34 pm
Grandma is someone that has had to deal with her younger family members being turned against her and we just want have this wedding be the start of things being made right. We are getting “remarried” in the church for us, but it has a bigger glow around it because it will make an old lady very happy.
I say invite them. Odds are they won’t show up and THEY’LL look like the assholes that broke grandma’s heart.
Kim´s last blog ..No Matter What
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 5:34 pm
…and we get to be the ones that put it back together again
Don’t invite them. And then lie too them saying that it was a friends-only affair or whatever. White lies FTW
nashe´s last blog ..Fun Fatigue.
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 5:35 pm
That would work if I wasn’t inviting the rest of their family.
Heyy!! I say to invite them — it will cause the least amount of problems and I think that if they really hate you so much, they probably won’t even come, but will appreciate the invite and maybs it would start healing the wounds between you. Also, if they DO decide to come, I think they would at least try to act like civilized individuals. Because they wouldn’t come if they didn’t want to.
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 5:35 pm
It will definitely cause the least amount of problems
I would clench my teeth and invite them. I think you’d only fuel the fire if you don’t invite them and cause more problems within your hubby’s family in the long run. By inviting them, you’ll have been the bigger person and make clear that you’re not tolerating this “childish” behavior on their part.
I would also make hubby talk to his sister and let her know that you expect her to be nice and civil at your wedding ceremony, or not come at all if they can’t be happy for the both of you.
san´s last blog ..On who I am right now
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 5:36 pm
You are right, I don’t want to feed their fire anymore.
Well Mama Bear,
Okay I didn’t have even remotely the same problem as yours BUT I did have a huge rift with my Aunt’s adult devil spawn a.k.a. the Plater cousins for something I will NEVER forgive them for. That’s a whole other story, let’s stick to you.
Maybe relaying my own problema con familia will help you with yours.
So, my Aunt is a sweet woman and is not young nor is she in the best shape of her life, and I knew that if I ditched Turkey day (2009) she would be crushed, as I rarely see her anyways and I didn’t want to send her in to crazy blood pressure mode, so I really was undecided about not showing up. My mom guilt tripped me like no body’s business BUT I stood my ground because:
1) I cannot stand to be near THEM, and would have rather spent my day having food poisoning and camped out on the bathroom floor then to be subjected to their sh*t. They won’t change, they have been, are and will continue to be hell F*ing raisers. and;
2) Because it would have hurt my Aunt more to see her children and I laid out in some trashy Jerry Springer-esqe fight and I would hate to see that happen in her own house. So I stayed behind, despite my mother’s fury and ate Chinese food. Truth be told, it was the easily the most stress-free T-day I’ve had in 15 years.
So, ultimately you’re going to have to make a choice, you will have to weigh your options of how you think Grandma’s heart will take it, over against whether you want to potentially enhance or spoil your nice day by including these people who have hurt you and your husband by minimizing your success as a couple and weather you think they can move past this whole issue.
T. The Destructor´s last blog ..Tiff’s Kitchen: Perfect Vanilla Bean Cake
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 5:37 pm
Well I don’t want to break Grandma’s heart….
Be the bigger person. It’ll make the family you aren’t having drama with happy and it’ll be like giving them a big middle finger to the face because you guys did ‘make it’.
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 5:38 pm
Yeah, the thought of proving that we can make it does make me smile
Your husband invoked Grandma. They have to get an invite. Game Over.
With that being said, it sounds like you’re way cooler than your husband’s bitchy sibling and their spouse. Chances are, they’re not going to come even if you give them an invite because this fight over what you wrote on your blog sounds very fifth grade and she is probably still not over it.
By issuing an invitation (that has a slim chance of acceptance), you come out as the bigger person and she just looks ridiculous when she refuses to attend. On the slim chance they do attend, as someone else mentioned, you get to flaunt the fact that your husband not only chose you once – he’s reaffirming that choice for all to see. She still looks ridiculous.
You really cannot lose here, but you can save Grandma from hurt feelings and your relationship from stress.
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 5:38 pm
Your opening line sealed the deal
As shitty as it is… you should invite them. It’s one of those “be the bigger person” things.
In all honestly, they probably won’t come. And if they do, it doesn’t seem to me that they’ll do anything rash or stay long because if your husband is concerned about his Grandmother being upset – they probably will too.
Although I haven’t had to go through the wedding drama yet… I have seen some pretty nasty family drama in my day. And this really is the best course of action.
I would, however, make it very clear to her that this is YOUR wedding and YOUR day and if she in any way shape or form ruins it you will be forced to go to drastic measures… on your blog
Jeney´s last blog ..Letters to My Morning
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 5:42 pm
Oh you KNOW I’ll blog all about it and ask any bloggers that I do invite to do the same
I’d invite them.
1) They may not come. They THEY look like the immature ones unable to put an argument behind them.
2) It’s a great way to stick it to them, like your husband mentioned. They don’t think your marriage will last? You’re getting married again! Take that!
3) When they sit around moping and being general asses the day of the wedding, everyone will comment about their bad behavior behind their backs. Once again, you look like the much better person.
4) You don’t have to talk to them or acknowledge them that day. They can just sit in the corner and mope. Not worth creating a rift between his grandmother and you over two people you can totally ignore.
Disgruntled Julie´s last blog ..Asparagus and Walnut Pasta
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 5:43 pm
Yeah I think I’ll completely ignore them. That way hubby gets to invite her and I get to still be bitchy….
Definitely invite them! Maybe they won’t come. Maybe they will. You are giving them a huge chance to forgive you. Maybe they will realize how petty their grudge and take this opportunity to put all this silliness behind them. If you don’t invite them it will drive a deeper wedge between your husband and his sister. Do you really want that, even though he seems willing for that to happen?
Cyndy´s last blog ..Dolmades Man
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 5:44 pm
Yeah I don’t want to make things worse
I’m always one for taking the higher road. Plus, when it comes to grandma’s…I’m a big ol’ softy. This being said, I say invite them. Prove them wrong, and if they don’t show, (which I’m guessing they won’t,) grandma can see what DB’s they are.
The way I see it, it’s a win-win for you either way.
Congrats on the remarriage! <3
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 5:44 pm
Thanks for the congrats!
The SIL-found-your-blog-and-screaming-commenced happened to me just 3 weeks ago, so I totally relate.
I think I’m going to go against the grain here. Life is too short to allow unhappy/mean/rude people in your life, family or not. I wouldn’t invite her. We all teach people how to treat us, and if you allow her to scream at you and then invite her to your wedding, you’re teaching her that’s okay. I say tell grandma you love her (grandma) very much, and SIL has been less that supportive to you so she will not be coming, and you appreciate grandma’s love and support in making this the happiest event it can be.
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 5:45 pm
See I have the same point of view, why have negativity in your life? But this wedding is just one day, it’s not like we would have to see them everyday afterwards. We can be the bigger people that day and ignore them the rest.
Mama Bear:
I don’t know anything about being in any kind of relationship that warrants a marriage, let alone a RE-marriage, but what I do know is that I’m totally jealous of your amazing-sounding relationship, and you SIL is probably jealous too. There are so many people out there that want to sabotage everyone else’s happiness because they haven’t yet found that happiness for themselves. I think that you would be doing everyone a favor (including yourself) if you invite them. That’s all you can do. They may not come, but I think that if it means that much to your husband and his grandmother then they probably will come. And if they have any conscience they’ll actually enjoy themselves and see your happiness and all that jealousy will go away. And then maybe they’ll apologize to you and decide to work on their own marriage and happiness rather than reading/criticizing your blog. That’s the ultimate goal.
It’s interesting/really weird how blogs have really changed the face of relationships. But, I think it’s really important that whoever you choose to spend your life with knows really personal things about you and who embraces them, whether or not you exploit them via the internet. There’s nothing worse than withholding information or lying to the one you love.
I am looking forward to hearing the updates from you, lady! Good luck!
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 5:46 pm
I promise to give updates when I have them!
I would invite them – only because of the grandma.
Hopefully (fingers, toes, arms and legs crossed) they will decide not to come!
Ams´s last blog ..Missing.
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 5:46 pm
I now require to keep all of that crossed until after the wedding!
I say take a stand. But that’s not what I would do because I’m a peace keeper. If you can live with the repercussions of not inviting them, then set an example. They can’t walk all over you. But if you don’t invite them…will Grandma be upset and take their side?
LiLu can I post my family drama on your blog too?
Nikki´s last blog ..All dressed up with no place to go
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 5:50 pm
I would understand if she took her side just because it is her granddaughter and I would never ask outside family to pick my side against other family members. I’m not sure if I would be “happy” with the repercussions anyway. I’d probably just get mad at myself.
Three points. All of which will not answer your question, but might give you some things to think about.
1 – There is no greater revenge than living well. If you do the nice thing, the generous thing, the thing they do NOT deserve…you are the better person. You have nothing to prove. Not inviting them proves that their words kind of won. They didn’t. You’re still in love. You’re still a better person. And them being there or not will not change it.
2 – Blood does NOT give you free reign. If you would hold a friend accountable, so should family be held to the same standard…if not higher ones.
3 – Friends are the apology for family. Stay close to them, drink with them, and enjoy this day for what it means to you. Not them.
** and last, make sure if you invite them that someone spits in their food…just for good measure
April´s last blog ..A Week in Review…random and useless is in the eye of the beholder
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 5:51 pm
I believe that you are my twin. I use those exact same lines in other situations but seemed to be blind with anger to remember them for this situation.
Honestly, I’d just say invite them. If she’s as pissed as she says she is, she won’t come. Think about how you would feel if you reached a point where this all blew over. If you don’t invite them, it’ll be another thing to hold over your head, it’ll add fuel to the fire so to speak. But if you did invite them, then they only have one issue to get past. Now, if she does anything to try and ruin the day, then by all means hubby should immediately tell her to leave but it’s more likely she’ll just sit there and sulk and not actually do anything bad.
Tania´s last blog ..Month In Review
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 5:51 pm
I like sulking. Sulking works for me.
Hmm… That IS a tough spot.
While I’m sure you donot want her there to spoil your beautiful day, I don’t think a wedding is an appropriate forum to make a stand by not inviting them – and I also think YOU will look like the BETTER person for inviting her.
I wouldn’t give your SIL so much power to affect your life. And, by inviting her you throw the responsibility of making HER chose to say NO, and thus giving YOU back YOUR power.
I hope that made sense!
meleah rebeccah´s last blog ..Stepping Up To The Plate – And, Wherein I Am Awesome
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 5:52 pm
I do want some power back. I lost it all when I screwed up and it sucks.
I would invite them. Sometimes you gotta kill people with kindness.
Especially idiot people who can’t get out of their own head long enough to realize they’re crazy.
J´s last blog ..If There Are Any Spelling Errors, Blame It On the Substances
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 5:52 pm
Killing people with kindness is better in the long run.
I’d say invite ‘em and hope they have the good grace not to show up. My theory is that sometimes we cubs have to make sacrifices specifically to honor the eldest beloved members of our clans.
But it is your wedding, so whatever decision you make will be the right one, as long as you and your husband see eye-to-eye or agree to compromise.
That Kind of Girl´s last blog ..Win a friggin’ 8gb iPod Nano!
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 5:54 pm
Yeah, “respect your elders” is something kind of new to me. I’ll get the hang of it, slowly but surely.
Oh man, this situation really sucks. I would invite them to be the bigger person. You guys don’t have to speak to them and maybe they won’t even come. I think inviting them would give them the message that they really don’t bother you.
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 5:55 pm
Yeah I don’t want to give them anymore “power” over me
The purpose of a wedding or vow renewal is a celebration of two peoples’ love in front of people who love, care, and are supportive about that love. Inviting such negativity to such a beautiful day could ruin it. Families can be good about that kind of shit. It may sound mean, but my husband and I didn’t invite anyone to our wedding that we didn’t feel was 100% supportive of us. That being said, other family members that were upset by it– could just take care to remember that it’s not about them. Making Grandma mad would be awful, but if maybe you sit down with her and explain to her your feelings on it– you’d be surprise how much insight little old ladies have in these matters.
I hope everything works out, and your day is one of beauty.
Summer´s last blog ..Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 5:57 pm
Yeah that was my thinking, but after our beautiful wedding say we would have to spend time cleaning the mess my bitterness created.
Ugh
Even though the conventional wisdom is leaning strongly towards inviting them and keeping the peace and being the better person, that isn’t my style. I would say that since it is YOUR DAY (yours and hubs) and you have the right to invite or not invite anyone you want to celebrate the love you share blah blah blah, that you not invite them and have a really great time and hopefully Grandma and others will eventually get it that you would focus on your matrimonial bonds, as you should, and not let the rift between you and the SIL be a part of the equation. You should be surrounded by support, not contempt, on YOUR DAY.
Tom @ Sophisticated Lunacy´s last blog ..Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s iPhone
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 6:00 pm
I do plan on using the “It’s OUR day” when dealing with other issues….issues that will probably involve the SIL if she does decide to come
Sigh…it never ends does it?
Hmm, well I’m generally the “nice” guy who tries to keep everyone happy, even grandma. But it’s tough, especially when I would want to exclude people if I felt they deserve it and so on.
Mo´s last blog ..Warlords
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 6:01 pm
There is nothing wrong with being a nice guy
I would’ve voted not to invite. And if grandma, at age eighty-whatever, hadn’t yet learned that life is too short to willfully engage drama, well, I’d have to just find a way to be okay with her being a bit disappointed.
brad´s last blog ..ambition + mission = you, me, bar food and electric musical stylings
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 6:02 pm
Grandma being disappointed would definitely disappoint both the Hubby and I. So I guess I shouldn’t risk it.
Best thing to do, invite them but add some discouraging words in the invitation such as:
1) Wedding is gonna be awfully boring.
2) Bring your own food and drinks.
3) Lady Gaga costume required.
4) No expensive gift, no entry.
Gnetch´s last blog ..I Think You Need A Mirror
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 6:03 pm
Well looks like I don’t have to write my invites now.
*Ctrl A, ctrl C, ctrl V*
This is a difficult situation. While you want your wedding day to be a happy one (I’m guessing here having not had one of my own), there are also some obligatory things you have to do…go through the motions, etc. It sounds like in addition to celebrating Mama Bear and her husbands love, this wedding is for Grandma. I’m not sure why or how, but it sounds like it is. So, if Mama Bear and her husband are trying to please Grandma then I would go ahead and invite the sister-in-law and her husband. Be the bigger person, which from the sounds of it (given the phone call) Mama Bear already is. They may not come anyway. All you know is that you did your part. Grandma can be mad at them if they don’t come or if they cause some sort of ruckus. Mama Bear and Husband can live happily ever after.
emily´s last blog ..it’s not you. it’s me.
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 6:06 pm
I would MUCH prefer for Grandma to be mad at them then for her to be mad at us
emily Reply:
February 2nd, 2010 at 5:24 pm
Then it sounds like inviting them would be a good thing. Smile and make nice with them (curse them in your head) and hope they show their bad side in front of Grandma, but not the other guests. Then have security whisk them away.
emily´s last blog ..it’s not you. it’s me.
emily Reply:
February 2nd, 2010 at 5:24 pm
Oh, and good luck! Have fun celebrating your love regardless.
emily´s last blog ..it’s not you. it’s me.
I can see arguments each way. However, I am going to go with invite them because if they are THAT against your relationship they will decide that not showing up is a big “statement” on their part.
That being said, if there is someone who you trust to let in on the back story so that they can run “negativity interference” so you don’t have to deal with the in-laws possibly getting out of line, that’s probably the way to go.
I had a situation where my husband to be (who is now an ex) did not get along with 2 of his 3 siblings. 1 sister was not only invited, she was part of the wedding party. We made the decision to not invite the other brother & sister at all. The only person who was upset at all by that decision was my mother. And she was upset because she thought it had been MY decision, not his, to not invite the sibs.
She did talk me out of inviting an ex-boyfriend (with whom the husband to be and I were still very good friends) and I sortve regret that he wasn’t there.
Good luck with whatever you decide! Have a wonderful wedding!
MsDarkstar´s last blog ..You know I’m not @ the Coffeehouse Sunday Post
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 6:07 pm
I may have a few friends talk about how “great this all is” or how “much in love Hubby and Mama Bear are” right around SIL
I’m so sorry that you have to make this decision. These are life’s worst types of decision. My instinct would be to invite them. Then you get to be the one that took the high road. Although it doesn’t typically give the same satisfaction, I bet the fact that you took the high road and were the adult of situation would speak volumes of you to the rest of your inlaws (esp. the Grandma that would be upset).
But, if they do accept the invitation, I suggest getting an ally of yours to run interference for you. Make it one person’s job to make sure that this horrible woman does not talk to you all day. Hell, make it their job to keep her out of hearing range of you; 50 paces, minimum. This would be a good job for another, more sympathetic inlaw or a close friend.
Good Luck!
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 6:08 pm
That is a very good idea! I’ll have my sister be in charge of that
Okay, I read this post in my reader and went directly to the comment section without reading the comments above me so I am not swayed. (I am always swayed when it comes to family issues).
My advice is to invite them. By inviting them you are being the bigger person and taking the high road. If you invite them, then they can’t start more drama and saying you didn’t invite them, yada yada yada. By inviting them, you are being more mature and showing them that it doesn’t matter what they think: You are in love and happy.
Good luck and let us know what you decide to do!
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 6:08 pm
You are right, it DOESN’T matter what they think. I just have to keep reminding myself of that
Invite them (it’s not worth the drama). But sit them in the back and make certain their table is called last for the buffet. Passive aggressive behavior is neat.
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 6:10 pm
I do love me some passive aggressive behavior
Holy crap, there’s already 101 comments but since there’s no way I’ll be able to read any of them, I’m just going to reply with my suggestion even though it’s probably already been said:
I say, invite them anyway. If they don’t want to come, that’s their choice. At least that way, you can say “Yeah, well I sent an invite, so I don’t know why they’re not here.”
Kara´s last blog ..Weekend Recap
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 6:10 pm
Trust me, I was FLOORED by how many comments this thing got!
I say invite them. There is a possibility they won’t show, but if they do, fine. If they talk to you be polite, and thank them for coming and leave all the drama at home. Do not go out of your way to seek them out. This is your day enjoy it. Don’t spend the day obsessing over them, where they are, what they’re saying, who they’re talking to. If they start anything, your husband should be the one to politely ask them to leave.
Becky´s last blog ..I used to be a sloppy drunk
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 6:11 pm
You are right, I’ll stop obsessing over them right now.
I say take the high road and invite them. Anyone who twists the invitation of a sibling to a wedding into a political statement is just being a drama queen.
Hope´s last blog ..Really, the Question is… Why Were They Driving an Aztek in the First Place?
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 6:11 pm
*removes crown from head*
What were you saying again?
I haven’t read all 100 + comments and would be surprised if you read them all either but family suck, they hurt you worse than anyone can..full stop.
I would invite them being the bigger person. If they don’t come they’re the jerks and if they do kill em with kindness but avoid them nicely..if you can.
But you have saved face.
Vodka Logic´s last blog ..A Band you should Know-Augustana
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 6:13 pm
Oh no, I read them all. I posted it here to get advice so I kinda have to read them all
Forgive me for not reading all of the posts (goodness, there’s a lot of them!) before posting but I didn’t want to forget what I wanted to say in the length of time it would take to read them all! Also, please forgive me if this piece of advice was already offered.
I would say that you should tell your husband that he needs to talk to his sister. He should make it clear to her that you both would like to invite her – for family peace, if nothing else – but that if she did not want to come or if she felt she could not be there and not bring up the incident (whether directly to you or to some other family member, it would cause a disrupt to your day either way) then she should stay home and you will make excuses for her. If anyone asks why she isn’t there, you can always say that she just “couldn’t make it” and express your “sorrow” at this occurrence. Whatever they decide (your husband and SiL), it will be clear that all parties are on the same page – not causing waves for the rest of the family with the anger between you. This way, regardless of the decision reached, you can all be less worried about how it will all fall out and just enjoy the day.
In regards to the blog issue, I have had to make that apology before and have come to this conclusion: a blog is like a diary that you let other people read. Most people I know who have blogs keep it vague, they don’t use names, and unless someone was privy to the situation they would not understand exactly what you are talking about. It’s a way to let off steam, get your feelings out and talk about things that you couldn’t do otherwise. People getting their feelings hurt by blogs would do well to think about this – would a stranger have understood what was being talked about, or is it just that I can read between the lines because I am a part of this issue? And if you stumble upon someone’s blog, perhaps contact them before reading through it and find out if there’s a specific reason they never mentioned it to you previously. It could save a lot of hurt feelings.
Just my 2 cents. I hope that everything works out okay and congratulations on your wedding – whether it be first, second or fifth it is still a special occasion that should bring you joy rather than headaches (but as we all know, every special occasion brings its share of headaches!)
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 6:16 pm
I didn’t name names in my blog, so your point about “would a stranger now” is very valid. But of course when you hurt someone they don’t want to here that at the time….
I would invite them.
If you dont invite them – drama WILL follow. And you will be blamed for it not your fiance.
Although it does suck to invite two people that you dont like – you should try and keep the peace in your new family.
If your lucky they wont come!
Besides this day should be about YOU not them – dont give them any more attention by starting a family fued.
Heather´s last blog ..Another day, another chance to heal
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 6:17 pm
You are right, drama would follow and I would get blamed. Wouldn’t want that to happen would we?
1. I heart mama bear.
2. Invite them-they may not come, they may be assholes, they may be friendly-but at least you go out taking the high road no matter what.
Elizabeth Marie´s last blog ..I’m An Unapologetic Fashion and Beauty Blogger, It’s Nice To Meet You.
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 8:56 pm
I heart you!
My initial reaction was to invite them and avoid a whole lotta extra drama that you two clearly don’t deserve. So I’m going with that. But I also want to say I’m sorry you have to go through all this. As the daughter of parents that dealt with something VERY similar, I feel your pain.
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 8:58 pm
How did things work out for your parents? I’m always interested in stories from people that have been through this.
I would say invite them. Only because it would upset the Grandma if you don’t.
What a bitch though. I’m sorry you have to go through that with your in-laws
Amber from Girl with the Red Hair´s last blog ..The Monday Meeting: How to get a job; non-traditionally
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 8:58 pm
Thanks, your wording makes me smile
i think i’d probably invite them. i mean, i’d completely IGNORE them and be pretty frigid (or very-obviously fake polite) if they talk to you at all that day, but i agree that it would cause MORE drama/strife if you don’t invite them at all. especially if it would affect your hubs’ grandma and hurt her in some way. i’d be awfully pissed about it, and indulge in multiple revenge fantasies where she is such a bitch at the reception that the entire FAMILY turns against her, etc etc… but i’d invite her.
Alice´s last blog ..weekended! or, I HAZ A TATTOOO!
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 9:30 pm
I really like the way you think.
I agree with Linda (and prob others, but once I found the piece of advice I wanted I scrolled down). Invite the SIL, and revel in the knowledge that it will piss her off so much that you are the bigger person than she is, and that she can’t bitch you out anymore. You win! That’s great!
And as you said… grandma. Grandma’s almost always win.
Good luck! Make sure the party is open bar.
Vittoria´s last blog ..New York Times Weddings & Competitions
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 9:31 pm
oh yeah, I’m already starting to purchase booze for this thing.
I would invite them, bc without knowing y’all, I think the hubs is right. It would create more drama, upset the grandma, etc. Sometimes things just have to be sacrificed for the good of the family. Kill ‘em with kindness, be the bigger person, etc etc. If you leave them out, then the rift will only grow wider and may NEVER be mended.
Also, LiLu…love the blogettes blog! Great job my dear
Kristin´s last blog ..Happy New Year!
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 9:34 pm
Yeah, yeah, I know, I know, the hubs is right.
The hubs is always right.
crap
You invite…if they do hate you they won’t even respond…but at least you done your part to bury the axe!
caroline´s last blog ..My second crochet project!
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 9:35 pm
true true
I’m with the “invite them” crowd. Maybe they won’t come. And you might be surprised. I know I’ve been surprised by family members finally coming around and forgiving and liking each other…two decades later.
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 9:35 pm
I’ll let you know how things go in 20 years
Hiya-
been there done that…Invite ‘em. Who frickin’ cares. Seat ‘em wherever. If you are hosting this yourself you are to busy to mess with anything but makin’ everyone happy.
2 morons in a room full of lovers ain’t no big deal. They will get the message and either join in or leave or not even show up……..
Have fun and do not let anyone else piss on your parade……
Congratulations and beZt wishes!!!!!!!!!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxox¡Z!
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 9:36 pm
I’m looking forward to having a room full of love
I’d invite them, then make a big show of necking your husband around them so that they get really uncomfortable and leave on their own accord.
danielle´s last blog ..Book Review: Amnesia Moon by Jonathan Lethem
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 9:37 pm
confession time- I already make a point of necking the hubby when they are around. It makes HER hubby jealous since she is so frigid.
I totally see where your coming from Mama Bear-You have one tough decision with two choices: Invite or not to invite.
Truthfully, I think you should invite them to be ‘The Bigger Person.’ Yes, there was a falling out, but maybe your SIL feels sorry for what she said and has no way or showing you because she is ashamed of the way she acted?
Or maybe she still hates you, who knows!?
But either way, I think by inviting them, your saying ‘I know I’m not your favorite person, but I still am taking the high road and putting everything behind me and starting fresh!’
Hope this helps at least a little bit!
Kayla´s last blog ..Monday Mingle(2/1)
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 9:39 pm
This all has helped bunches. Thank you!
I say don’t invite them, your wedding, your day. Or so I hear. Or invite them and pray they don’t show up. I wouldn’t invite them if it were me but I’m a cold hearted brown girl that likes to upset grandmas.
My fiance and I are paying for our own wedding, the whole damn kit and kaboodle so if I would not spend my money on someone that hated me. But all this wedding stuff is so new to me. I’m sure I’m doing tons of shit wrong.
Whatever you decide I hope your wedding day rocks.
Brown Girl´s last blog ..That’s not trash! That’s Michael Jordan.
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 9:50 pm
I said the same thing, why spend money on people that wouldn’t enjoy it? But in the long run I’m realizing that spending money on them is worth it if it keeps Grandma happy.
Invite to the wedding ceremony itself, but leave out all information about the reception for just them…
eric´s last blog ..A Map You Can’t Fold (Una Mappa Che Non Può Chiuso)
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 9:50 pm
Nice
Real nice
if you wouldnt invite them to a dinner date…dont invite them to the wedding. thats my philosophy!
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 9:51 pm
Ha! That is a good philosophy
I think that you have to invite them and just pray that they choose not to come. That sounds like the best scenario. If it is a traditional wedding you will be so swept up in the chaos that you probably won’t have time to notice them or even say more than two words to them anyways. I was so busy at mine I barely got to eat, let alone talk to everyone that attended. Good Luck!
Kimberly@PrettyPinkMomma´s last blog ..Music Monday – Play My Song!
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 9:56 pm
Yeah I remember with my original wedding I barely ate anything and when we got to the hotel we ended up SCARFING a burger from room service
Hello Mama Bear! You don’t know me but my advice would be to invite them. It won’t be easy but you’ll be the bigger person and it’ll show that you’re sorry for the stuff you upset her with and are adult enough to ignore her rantings. She surely has the manners if she attends to shut the hell up and let you have your wonderful day. If she doesn’t and starts mouthing off, you have the right to tell her to leave and no one will question that decision. Not inviting them would cause big drama, I agree with your husband. It’s not worth ruining something that should be a happy day for you by answering questions about her all day.
Invite them and ignore them unless they try to mend fences. Either way your conscience is clear and it’s up to her. I mean, I wouldn’t want her there either if it was me, but I think it’s the most adult thing to do. If she wants to be a baby after that, that’s her problem. This way everyone’s happy and if they’re not, well that won’t be YOUR fault.
Vegetable Assassin´s last blog ..I Give Up
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 9:57 pm
It’s okay that I don’t know you, you give some good advice
I’m hopping on the bandwagon here of invite her. If not just for grandma’s sake, or for the sake of looking like a bigger person, then for the point of a church wedding. When you get up in front of whatever that clergy person is (priest, rabbi, imam, shaman, sacred mason of the third rite) you’re not doing it just to say hey look at me in my pretty fancy dress, you’re doing it to say not only to the church, but to whatever higher power it is you follow and you’re community (and sad as it is to say, she is apart of your community) that you’re making a vow to each other. A super important vow that was apparently important enough to go through all the counseling and the extra hub bub of a religious ta-do. You have to focus on that. My two cents anyway.
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 9:58 pm
You are VERY right about all of that. I have to make sure I keep my thoughts on the REAL reasons I am doing this and not turning it into something bad.
Ugh! Stuff like this makes an otherwise HAPPY celebration really, really effin’ stressful.
Perhaps try writing a list w/Dan of pros and cons to inviting said guests and go from there. I lean towards inviting them, because hopefully somewhere down the line the peace will happen again and it may suck to look back on this wedding and realize they weren’t a part of it.
deutlich´s last blog ..Chicken Heads
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 10:00 pm
hahahahahahahaha! I try to keep this all vague and you name my husband.
Don’t worry, even if someone found this I doubt they would read all the way down to here.
It was good advice too by the way.
It’s a what if, so invite them and never wonder.
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 10:00 pm
Good point.
I don’t really know, but I’d lean towards inviting them and hoping they don’t come. They sound kind of scary–that stuff they said was way harsh.
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 10:01 pm
Oh it was very harsh.
I’m pretty sure what I would say has already been said. Holy 190 comments!
Allison´s last blog ..For Rent: Runway Fashion
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 10:06 pm
I know! I was completely shocked!
I’m with Veggie. Invite them so you’re the nice guy, and if they don’t come, then that’s on them.
BeckEye´s last blog ..Caption Crotch-test Contest #31
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 10:06 pm
I agree with Veggie too
Invite. Unfortunately, weddings aren’t JUST about you… they’re about both of you, and that does, by extension, include your family.
Ellie´s last blog ..Country roads.
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 10:07 pm
Sigh
I know, I know
I would lean more towards not inviting them. Try to invite them to dinner or something along those lines if you want to try to make amends…but trying to heal wounds at a wedding is going to cause nothing but stress for you. What if they don’t come? What if they come and are rude? What if they come and she does something stupid? What if she comes and everything’s fine? There are just too many ‘what if’s to leave up in the air when you’re going to have a million other things to focus and worry about.
Your wedding is for you and you husband and what is going to make the two of you happy…grandma will get over it eventually. I got married last year and I put my bitchy little foot down when it came to invites. There was one friend in particular who had screwed me over pretty badly in the past and then started playing nice when she realized that we were having a Vegas wedding because she didn’t want to miss out on the party. I didn’t invite her – as far as I figured, it’s my day with the man that I love. If you’ve been a part of our lives together, then you can be there to share in the ceremony.
Frankly, if it hasn’t mattered to them what you’ve been up to for the last year, then what should it matter that they’re not there for the ceremony? If anything, it’s going to make you uncomfortable and stressed and that’s not what the day should be about.
kate´s last blog ..Memoir Monday – ‘Tis the Season.
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 10:14 pm
It is true that they haven’t given a crap about what has been going on with us for the past year. But since she is family it is tougher to not invite her.
129 comments is a lot to wade thru, so this may have already been answered… but if noone has talked to her since, is there any indication that she would WANT to come? Could your husband maybe approach her and just ask if she would want an invite, or if it’d be environmentally-irresponsible use of paper?
I’m don’t really have anything else constructive to add, since neither of us are close enough to our families to care, so we just didn’t invite anyone we didn’t want to…
Good luck!
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 10:15 pm
I honestly don’t know if she would want to come. That’s a very good question.
I’m a people-pleaser (something I don’t love about myself), so I’d probably end up inviting them and being miserable. It sounds like there’s already been a lot of drama anyway, so maybe not inviting them won’t make much difference in the grand scheme of things. You shouldn’t have to prove anything, especially to people who seem to have so little respect for your relationship.
Lindsay´s last blog ..Spin Cycle
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 10:19 pm
See that’s what I was afraid of if I invited them, that I would just be a people pleaser and end up miserable. But I think in this case if I took a stand on this I would end up painting the whole party with my anger.
If I were you, I’d probably go the people-pleasing, make-Grandma-happy, show-’em-you’re-the-better-person route. As long as you can invite them and still be comfortable having an amazing, amazing wedding day, then I’d do it.
Good luck!
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 10:22 pm
If my plans work out then we will have an amazing, amazing wedding
Ps-LiLu, you have an award. =)
Hrm. At my wedding, oh wait — IN my wedding — were two family members who (granted, didn’t say they didn’t like us a couple, just wrote us an AWESOME email about how CRAPPY we were as human beings shortly before our wedding, thanks for that) I didn’t particularly want there. But they’d been given roles before we knew how they felt.
I would say invite them. Because eff them, yes. But you’re the bigger people. And it means you can show that, despite what they have said and feel and the drama its caused, you’re the bigger people. You don’t need to chat them up at the wedding or even acknowledge their existence. But extending the offer shows them to be the more petty of the “sides” and keeps you good with the rest of the fam. If they choose not the come — and it sounds like they may not — you’re off the hook as well!
Brittney´s last blog ..About Damn Time, Friday.
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 10:23 pm
Yikes, that sounds a lot more difficult than what I am going through.
There were a lot of comments so I don’t know if this has already been said, but it would probably go a long way if you invited them. You get to be the bigger person, and you’re still going to have a great time, regardless of them being there. Good luck! Sorry you have to deal with this!
Becky´s last blog ..Cozy
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 10:30 pm
Darn tooting I’ll have a great time!
Didn’t you say awful things about the SIL on your blog to make her so angry at you? So, some harsh words were said on the phone by SIL but you did some shit to make her upset too didn’t you? SO someone has got to make things good. You’ve got the opportunity to do so. Do it. Invite them. It doesn’t do anyone any good to be fightin with the hubbie’s familia. What would you rather be, a lover or a fighter?
Kristy´s last blog ..My new favourite Spanish name.
MAMA BEAR Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 10:34 pm
Not to get over technical, but I actually didn’t write anything about her. It was about my parent in-laws. And I got yelled at when I called to apologize so I actually already tried to make things good. And things are getting better with the people I actually wrote about so they are just holding onto their anger because it’s easy.
But in the long run I would rather be a lover than a fighter.
If I was in your shoes, I would probably invite them just to show that they can’t get to me. If they don’t come, their loss. If they do and stare daggers at you the whole evening, then it’s a perfect way to show them that you have the upper hand (thank goodness looks can’t kill). If they do and start trouble, then there’s the undeniable proof that they are b*tches and all unbiased guests will definitely side with you. So I guess it’s a win-win-win situation (just depends on how you look at it).
Good luck with everything. Let us know how it turned out!
Witless Fool´s last blog ..Stumbling my way through the WWW
Invite them.
As the bride you hardly notice who is there because you’re going from table to table and can avoid anyone if you have to.
I got remarried October 2008 and had 66 people and I swear I didn’t spend enough time with each of the invited guests.
littlemsblogger´s last blog ..Another Hot Date Suggestion from Hubby….
I say invite the haters.
Some may say that it is YOUR big day, but really it belongs to the whole fam, and not inviting them could have consequences until death do you part. Plus, if they are that opposed they won’t show.
If they come and say anything out of hand, you would be well within your bridal rights to call them out, etc.
I don’t envy the drama, though I had plenty of it on my big day! I felt like I was so much on cloud nine that none of it mattered. Whatever you decide, I hope you feel the same way on your re-wedding day.
i say invite them. if they say something to gran, so what. she’ll either gasp at the horror, or say – that’s life, get over it. but does it matter? we only had 40 people at our wedding & i barely spoke to anyone for more than a minute. so either they won’t show, and look like ‘terrible family’ for not coming, or they show and behave, or they show and make a scene, and look like ‘terrible family.’
alexandra keller´s last blog ..The Poppies
I think if they are so worried about what you put on a blog, that same personality trait would come out at a wedding. Meaning, if image matters then they aren’t going to cause a scene at the wedding.
I’d say invite them to avoid drama in the long run.
Susan´s last blog ..boston travel tweetup
OK, this may have very well been mentioned since there are a bagillion comments, buuuuut…
I don’t see why it would be off sides for hubby to give ol’ sis a call and set her straight. If she acts like a child and won’t hash it out, there’s your answer. (No invite for the brats.) But, if he lays some ground rules, she agrees and understands that it’s not about her, she may be invited.
But hopefully she still won’t come.
I hate drama. Especially on YOUR day, yo.
Maybe I’m going to be in the minority here, but… they’re his family. His FAMILY. His grew-up-with-them-and-celebrated-Christmas-with-them-and-they-took-care-of-him-when-he-was-sick FAMILY.
As someone who doesn’t get to have a “real” family anymore, I can’t imagine not trying to fix things for mine if they were available to me, & I would never keep my husband (um, if I had one) from his, if there were a chance of reconciliation.
Suburban Sweetheart´s last blog ..The Rare Bulleted-List Blog Post
i think i would say invite them and put the ball in their court and maybe they won’t even come, maybe they will, maybe they’ll finally apologize for their behavior and they way they acted? i’m not quite sure because that is really difficult but i hope it works out for the best either way and you and your husband are happy no matter what.
katelin´s last blog ..Pirates and parties, just not at the same time.
I’d do it the way you want. Then, maybe have a little less formal get-together to celebrate and invite the mean people.
debbie´s last blog ..Triggering Memories
it’s your day. no one should be able to bring you down. i’d tell your sister-in-law that she’s more than welcome to attend if she can be civil. if she attends and is well-behaved, it’s a win-win. if not, then you don’t really have to worry about her until the next awkward run-in at any other family situation.
invite them. the high road is always a little bit bitchier in my book:) just make sure to smile really big and look them right in the alllll day.
alissa´s last blog ..grammy gowns
Totally invite them….because they will be totally jealous of your happiness. Not only that, but hopefully they will get you a nice gift, like matching Snuggies or something.
But have some Jersey Shoreish men there so if the in-laws get too bitchy, they get fist pumped outta there.
And remember, the day is about you and your schmoopy, not his bitchy, unhappy sister that needs a freakin’ life.
Wendy´s last blog ..She’s Been Begging….And I Finally Said YES!
Maybe it’s the Libra in me, but I like to avoid fights at all possible and especially to avoid hurting Grandma. That way you totally look like the bigger person too!
Erin´s last blog ..The Baby
I had a similar problem when I got married. My aunt was displeased with me, was drunk one night and called me and ripped me apart over the phone. This is about 2 or 3 weeks before my wedding. Needless to say I kept my distance from her and withheld specific date and time information. She basically threated to completely write off everyone in the family if she wasn’t invited to the wedding. I’m not kidding. In the end I was basically coerced into inviting her.
Sad, sickening. If I were you I would just invite them, if not for any other reason but to shove it in their faces and make her feel bad for talking to you like that.
Angie´s last blog ..What Is Attractive?
Somebody may have said this already but I’m not reading all these comments like you have to. – Invite them. Think of the blog material you’ll get out of it.
Mike´s last blog ..1052 – As the years go by
Invite them. Weddings are about joining families, they are family. It’s the right thing and it will make a statement that will ‘last’, in a positive way, through the years. As for any parties on the side… then do whatever you want.
Connie´s last blog ..Secret of the Ancient Egyptians
I vote for inviting them. They may not even come, anyway….we’ve had our share of family & in-law drama lately and I’m trying to force myself to take the high road whenever possible. Even though it sucks!
erin´s last blog ..Think Tank Momma’s Gratitude With Attitude Tuesday
It struck me not so long ago that without fail problems are something that are always caused by people. Ordinarily I would say less people means less problems which would then translate to: Invite them? I don’t think so sister!
However, this is a perfect opportunity to show who is the bigger bear (as in emotionally mature bigger bear) and who has more common sense than to ramble on for 30 minutes on the phone rather than just calmly stating that you suck for blogging about la familia and if you weren’t loved by one of la familia an assassin would already have been dispatched to your house. Aren’t we after all at least the tiniest bit curious to know if everything SIL has ever said about you even prior to the discovery of your blog was said with kindness? I’m not a betting gal but I gonna go out on a limb and say I think not!
Invite them. Sail in as a magnificent goddess uniting with her magnificent god and own that day as only a goddess can. (If it all goes to hell please don’t blame me). Maybe as others have said they won’t even come.
Drama is drama. Don’t let it cloud this special day. Don’t let it cloud your special relationship and for goodness’ sake don’t let it linger and cloud your life.
People are just confused little chickens that most of the time don’t think things through. Never forget that. You’re showing signs of wanting to think this through. That makes you a less confused chicken. This is how things evolve and an improve. It’s a good thing.
I could have saved myself a lot of time told you to ignore your feelings and emotions and just trust your gut feeling. Why am I taking up so much space in your blog?
Ink Spiller´s last blog ..Sometimes I just….
I’m probably not the best person to be giving advice on this because I was incredibly lucky to have an ‘easy’ wedding… our families aren’t the feuding kind, and for that I’m incredibly thankful.
That said, I would probably invite them, assuming they’re not likely to actually start a fight on your big day. Either the absolutely hate you and won’t come, or if they do come then they’ll have to play nice.
Hmm, you couldn’t “accidentally” pick a date when they’re booked on a Carribean cruise or something, could you…..?
Rachel Cotterill´s last blog ..Uncourteous To His Verbs
Holy crap balls, nearly 300 comments? Clearly, family drams is an important ish amongst us all. I hope two cents makes it to you!
As a married gal who went against my man’s family’s wishes and wed on a beach anyway (take that, MIL!) I can say from experience that keeping the peace, where possible, is a good intention, which in turn will bring you good karma/luck/vibes. My vote is to invite your SIL – if she declines, it’s on her. If she makes a fuss, it’s on her. If she wants to talk trash, trust me, people will think poorly of her, not you. Since you’re screwed either way (no invite hurts grandma; invitation opens up risk for drama) you’re better off leaving the choice up to her when it comes to behavior. Take it as a lesson learned about how we can’t pick our family! Lastly, and because stranger things have happened, you might reunite with your SIL in the future – if that happens, it would be great to be able to say that she was there for you guys, at your [second] wedding. Think long term is what I’m getting at.
PS, it’s awesome that your husband is so supportive. Most mean I know are all “family first”… losers.
Best of luck!
Ugh – family drama sucks. If I were in your position, I’d invite the bitches but I’d seethe about it.
hillary´s last blog ..Your Science Is Breaking My Heart In Two
I say invite her and put the ball in her court. If she’s that opposed to you guys as a couple, she won’t attend… Or she will anyway, but being the bigger person and inviting her is probably the way to go.
MinD´s last blog ..37 years.
don’t invite them. its your day, not theirs. so your grandma might get upset, i’m sure she would understand if you really wanted to explain to her why. but really, it isn’t her business, you know? they arent happy for you, therefore they shouldnt be entitled to come, simple as that.
yourstrulydear´s last blog ..are you watching the grammys too?
man, i know all about wedding drama, firsthand. my in-laws were a total nightmare, especially my mother-in-law’s identical twin. but, nobody cares about me, this is about you.
and you have to invite his sister.
i know, i know.
it IS your wedding day. but honestly, a wedding is a lot of other people’s day, too: your parents, you, all the people who took the time, money and effort to come witness your special moment.
the good news is, you’ll be so caught up in the events, that any of their bad behavior won’t even be noticed by you. i can promise you that any stunt they pull won’t detract from your wedding high. and if they DO behave like turd burglers, rest assured that everyone will simply think, “gee what turd burglars” and not, “gee, what a declasse wedding!”
you have to live life with no regrets. you don’t know what the future holds and there could come a time (in the not near future) where you and your sil don’t despise one another. in which case you’ll feel bad she wasnt there. and even if you never get along, you will know you took the high road. if something tragic were to happen, your husband might never forgive himself for not having her there.
it’s much easier to live in the moment and say she can’t come but i implore you to think long-term. grandma WON’T understand, either. people from an older generation have different ideas about what to tolerate in regards to family, etc.
i promise you will not regret inviting her, though you may regret not inviting her.
p.s. i don’t read this person’s blog (the hint was lost on me if i do, but i’m not part of the in crowd, lol) but i have to think that maybe the reason she got so pissed over whatever you wrote, is because she knows there’s an element of truth to it!! some people are impossible to please so you just have to take solace in knowing you did your best to facilitate a recovery. besides, you might invite her and have her not even show, further proving what an asswipe she is.
I would invite them. I would also try to continue to mend the relationship both before and after the wedding. They are family. For better or worse, they are also now your family. The same way you feel bad for hurting their feelings (via the blog), they may too feel bad for how they reacted. Or maybe with time. Regardless, in the future, the relationship with family will be more valuable than the anger over a few heat-of-the-moment words.
I think you have to invite them. Just be the bigger person. (That that you aren’t) and hold your head up high knowing that you did the right thing even though they are the assholes. Prove them how wrong they are!
BigMamaCass´s last blog ..Things I have learned from my Toddler #5
I can tell you after 22 years of marriage that unfortunately for you things will probably never get better. Your husband is going to have make the hard decision NOW to let his sister know that even though you made a mistake on your blog, you apologized, you thought she would never see it and what she did WAS directly to your face and he should make it clear he will not stand for it. My husband can tell you he wished he did that from day one. I took a lot of crap from my Mother in law and Sister in law for 21 years. Always trying to keep peace. They knew this and so they continued with all their remarks and even some scenes in front of my family. My husband took a stand after 21 years and it shocked his MOTHER. He received a letter from his parents, HIS PARENTS MIND. Disowning him. Can you believe it??? How do you disown your child???? Anyways, your husband needs to make the stand now or your sister in law will be a problem forever, trust me and then it will end very badly.
I probably gave you way too much information (LOL)
Good Luck!!!
Lucy´s last blog ..A REALLY Good Fire!
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