You all know this game by now. Time for another installment of “The Shiz My Boyfriend Says”! (Click for past “Shizzes”.)
(Duh.)
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Axe Murderer has developed this little habit of jumping on B’s lap and rubbing her face on his. Which, as someone who’d never owned cats before, freaked him out a bit the first time…
B: What the… what is she doing?!
Me: Cats have glands on their temples that secrete a scent… basically, she’s marking you as “her property”. Like when a dog pees on a fire hydrant. You should be honored.
B: Oh. Okay. (pause…) But little does she know I’m banging other cats all the goddamn time! Take THAT!
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On the couch. Per yoosh.
B: Name any problem in the world, and I’ll cure it with taking your pants off.
Me: Okay… Hitler!
B: Easy… take his pants off and no one will take him seriously.
Me: Okay… lupus!
B: Damn… that’s hard! You couldn’t give me AIDS or something!?
Me: Um, you could cure AIDS with “taking off pants”?
B: Sure… don’t do it! BAM!!!
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In bed, there is suddenly an audible *toot*…
B: Wtf was that?!
Me: It was the cats!
B: No it wasn’t! I saw it on your face! You pushed that out!
*toot*
B: You’re STILL PUSHING!!!
Me: It COULD be the cats!
B: Stop spreading fart rumors!!!
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While stopping at Tonic for Happy Hour, B interrogates me as to which super power I’d rather have.
B: Okay. Being super fast vs. talking to animals. a la Doctor Doolittle.
Me: Well, super fast. Because then I could get to work and ANYWHERE in no time.
B: WRONG.
Me: What??
B: That is incorrect. You’d hit a million bikes on the way.
Me: But I’d move too fast for them! You said super fast! I’d just blink and I’d be at work.
B: I didn’t say TELEPORT. How dare you make the assumption you can bend space and time. I said nothing about that. Next. Ability to be a fly on the wall, or teleport?
Me: Teleport.
B: Thank goodness. You got one. Next. Be able to read people’s minds, or teleport.
Me: Teleport again. I can travel anywhere that way!
B: (sighs) Wrong again, but at least you gave reasoning this time. *shakes head*
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Happy Humpday, mofos.
P.S. Vote? (Sorry.)
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{ 93 comments }
Ha this is my favorite segment. Makes me feel semi-normal!
It makes ME feel semi-normal when you say that.
I do not think you would hit bikes or anything else if you moved super fast. Cause you’re MOVING SUPER FAST. You could speed your way out of anything anywhere. I’d totally go for super fast, fly on the wall, read people’s minds.
No teleporting at all?! Crazy talk!
B is a rockstar!
I have to agree.
Oh man, I love this series!! See, this is why you NEED to do a video blog. Or better yet, put in a hidden camera…that way, he won’t know you’re filming. Hilarity will ensue!
If only my Flip had a remote…
Oh, that B and his Shiz.
*said while wagging finger in a tisk,tisk fashion but nodding aprovingly.*
You boys are always on his side.
You are too funny. I was cracking up about him being with other cats.
Came over from Vodka Logic’s place.
Welcome! I love how you toned it down to “being with”. Haha!
Hilarious! He must really keep you on your toes!
That’s why I keep him around.
Eh super quick posting …I just commented on the last post about 20mins ago!!!lol!
http://chicknamedhermia.wordpress.com/2010/01/06/the-giving-my-life-some-purpose-post/
Just wondering if you could help me out with a new project ….good karma to you!
Suggestion given!
You know I got a new Christmas pussy so now I can blame all my farts on him.
Too freaking easy.
I think your cats and my cats should meet. Their heads would explode trying to mark everyone all at once.
Silly little beasts!
Toot rumours, heh heh.
*giggles*
A. I would move super fast and teleport as well.
B. Fart rumors? Psh. He had no proof it was you.
C. Life is not solved by taking off anyone’s pants. Although if it were, I’d walk around in panties all the time.
See? I win on all counts!
Oh that last one. Hilarity!
He is entertaining, I’ll give him that.
i love B a lot, specifically when we bonded over our hatred of people during my last visit to DC.
he’s my kind of people.
You are both good eggs. My FAVORITEST of eggs.
I think these are my favorite of all your posts. I love the interaction between you guys!
As it happens, so do I.
“But little does she know I’m fucking other cats all the goddamn time! Take THAT!”
Gold. Solid gold. Totally made my day.
I changed it to “bangin’” cause I thought it was funnier. Maybe not.
Too funny! Ya gotta love it! I just blogged about stuff my husband does – sometimes actions speak louder than words. I didn’t mention tooting, he’d die if he saw!
Ally @
Tales Of A Fourth Grade Nothing
I only wish I had video of him saying these. His facial expressions are priceless.
He says ‘you’d hit a million bikes’ like it’s a bad thing.
…………. ya lost me.
All this time we could have had a cure for aids by not taking off pants. Who knew? And i agree with you, I’m pretty sure moving super fast means you can surpass all the bikes. At least in the cartoons.
EXACTLY. I’d be wily. Like Wile E.!
I don’t think Axe Murderer is going to happy when she finds out B is messing around with other cats.
You know who also spreads “fart rumors?” Matt. It’s true.
She just might up her morning quota of “number of claws sunk into toes while sleeping”.
HAHAHA… suuuuuure LiLu, blame the cats why dont ya.
Shhhhhhhhhhh.
Never a dull moment. I would be more worried about getting hit in the face by flies than hitting bikes if I could move super fast.
Times like this I’m glad I’m not a mouth breather.
I’m starting to think I’d be completely entertained to follow you two around every day… Not in a stalker-like way! Haha.
“Don’t do it!” my fave… oh and the cats. =)
We entertain ourselves, anyway.
You fart rumour-mongerer…
You have no proof! I accept zero responsibility.
I am writing VH1 and MTV and Bravo — seriously you guys are more entertaining then any reality show.
Haha! I need to get this shiz on video.
cats are like ladies. we dont fart! this is a good reason to get a dog, they fart allll the time!
cheating on your cats….is kinda fun. they love to have marking battles with each other. its entertaining!
I know. I’m glad we have two so we can pit them against each other.
What?
Teleport is always the answer, no?
Also, can you really blame a fart on a cat? If so, I have some serious fun ahead of me.
Half the time, it’s the truth. They’ll back it right up and fart in your face… I should know.
rubbing face is so much cuter than peeing. +1 for cats.
Someday, you will have one of your very own.
I CAN FEEL IT.
I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again: LiLu and B Reality series.
Everybody would totally watch you two!
We’d be like Nick and Jessica, only not lame. AWESOME.
Michelle Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 6:49 pm
Right and I know that you know tuna is not chicken…..
Duh.
It’s buffalo, right?
I didn’t know there were right and wrong super powers to pick…I’ll have to be more careful next time.
I’m also now thinking about what else can be fixed by taking pants off…
TWSS.
(Sorry. Had to.)
Yo. I feel like you me your boyfriend and my husband need to meet at tonic, eat tater tots and be BFF immediately.
Make it happen. We’re there at least once a week, no joke.
LOVE this!
Julia
http://jewliagoulia.blogspot.com
<3
Too funny, I love this series! And I always thought you pushed…
*looks side to side shadily*
The hogwarts bus moved super fast and always managed to avoid hitting people. It didn’t teleport. Just sayin.’
But yeah, teleporting would be wicked awesome.
It wins over EVERYTHING.
Oh, B. A million bikes??? Tour de France on the way to work?
But from now on, everytime there’s a problem, I’m taking my pants off.
I’m pretty sure that’s the lesson we should all take from this.
teleportation is ALWAYS the power i choose! who the hell wants to be invisible? i want to be anywhere INSTANTLY. including foreign countries and the caribbean. that beats ANY other power!
THIS is what I’m saying.
I can’t spread fart rumors because I always have a dead give-away. I can’t NOT laugh after I do it. I find my farts to be absolutely hysterical. Every last one of them.
If you’re reading this, there’s a 99% chance that you *know* farts are hysterical.
I’m afraid to even contemplate the conversations that Andrew and B would have if we put them in a room together.
Oh, my…
I love that your opinion can be wrong about superpowers. Boys. I would choose teleporting too.
Very, VERY wrong, it would seem. Sigh.
I love how B quizzes you on the way to drink and applauds you for being logical with your answers to ridiculous questions.
Btw, super fast is an awesome super power particularly when drinking and needing to pee. You could watch the door and then when it opens be in there before the girl waiting in line…and the best part…never having to leave your table or your beer.
YOU should mind-battle him!
I would so choose teleporting. Love the convos you guys have!
HOW DO YOU NOT CHOOSE TELEPORTING. Does. Not. Compute.
I’d like to teleport to a warmer spot right now. Preferably one without children…
…says the teacher.
That pushing it out thing STILL cracks me up.
Like, I’ll be at a funeral one day, and I’m certain I’ll hear the words “push” and “out” at some point, and I’ll die laughing, and then I’ll be the biggest ass ever.
Thanks to that post.
Plus I’ll be dead.
Wait. It could be someone ELSE’S funeral!
Why does he think reading minds trumps teleporting? I’m going to assume he has never driven across 5 states with a colicky baby in the car!
Only 30 minutes with a couple of yowling cats, as far as I know…
Fart rumors!! LMAO
That. Just. HAPPENED. Shake ‘n bake!
Always my favorite posts of yours…
It’s hard to blame cats for farts. Dogs, on the other hand, can be blamed easily and believably.
But they must be walked. Alas, I am far too lazy to take that on just to hide my farts.
Um, I can no longer read these at work, considering I just snorted out loud and choked on my water.
Sorry?
NOT.
I love that the banging other cats comment is directed at upsetting the cat, rather than you. Ha!
Also, I would’ve assumed you were a much stealthier farter than you seem to be.
I’m stealthy when I WANT to be. If I remember correctly, this was a revenge-farting. *YOU* understand.
He ask you what you prefer and your answer is wrong because you didn’t choose his answer…why…I like this guy.
I’ll keep him around.
Toot? At least he was looking you in the face instead of someplace else. But then you could surprise him one time. Go ahead. You know you want to. Tell him I gave you permission.
I am confused.
Let’s keep it that way.
Fart rumors? That’s hilarious! I’ll have to remember that one the next time my husband blames me or the kids, lol! Thanks for that one B
He is a giver.
LOL The fart rumors pretty much made me laugh out loud in a crowded student centre … you guys are awesome with all your fart talks. And I love how you listed Hitler as the first problem
It seemed like the go-to at the time.
I’m pretty sure teleportation is always the answer, no matter what the question. Either that or no pants.
Can’t it be both? I’m pretty sure the pants wouldn’t make it through the teleportation anyway. Let’s be efficient about this, people.
I’m pretty sure it’s the taking off of the pants that produces the AIDS in the first place, much of the time. Did B. ever think of THAT? No he didn’t because I did, because I am awesome.
What if you were wearing butt-flap pajamas??
THINK ABOUT THAT.
Ohhhhhh that cat bangin’ boy of yours. He’s the bestest!
He is. Beastiality and all…
You, too, are the boss of your farts.
Use the force wisely, Lilu.
For the record, I did push it. I knew you’d appreciate that.
“Bang other cats”
Awesome. Just awesome .:P
The fact that YOU guys *think* it’s awesome means YOU are the awesome ones.
Or something.
But what if you could teleport AND talk to animals? O man, that would be awesome. I wouldn’t mind teleporting to work SeaWorld where I’d chit chat with Shamu while riding around the tank and jumping through hoops atop her back.
I gotta get into shape, though – those wet suits are unforgiving.
Can you wear a sarong over a wet suit? IT’S HAPPENING.
Whats B gonna do for the weekend when you’re in LA with me????
SEE WHERE MY MIND IS.
Also? BANGING OTHER CATS.
Oh, yanno… football, beer, bang a cat or two… the yoosh.
I too think teleport surpasses all powers. I mean, come on, it’s like MAGIC; blink one place, blink another. How B does not see the importance of that power is beyond me.
Seriously! MEN.
If you could teleport, you wouldn’t even need pants. I’d be popping up naked all over the place. Much like I do now, but the getaway would be SO much easier.
That’s what I said!!!
I’m pretty sure my cat (who is now in retirement with my parents bc the bf is allergic to him) also did the same thing to him. My cat adored him and would bang his head against the bedroom door when he was locked out.
I found it hilarious the BF…not so much.
B was “allergic” too. I cured him of that… just sayin.
Ha. I’m not sure which one is my favorite… perhaps the Hitler/pants thing.
It’s a tough call. They’re all pretty ridiculous…
To be a fly on the wall of your life…
I really just wish someone was videotaping. I’m sure I forgot plenty.
I love you and B. You are my favorite couple.
Also I love that you said toot in this post several times. That word makes me laugh b/c obviously I am a 5 year old. Ha!
Toot. Toot toot!
Jut for you.
I can tell you two are soulmates because I most definitely hide my face when I “push one out.”
Then I blame the dogs. That’s why we have pets right?
Duh!
fart rumors!!!
i have to laugh with a barf.
Might wanna grab a bucket…
“How dare you make the assumption you can bend space and time. I said nothing about that. ”
I think it’s awesome that B takes teleportation so seriously. Because it’s serious business bending the time/space continuum.
He was so accusatory. HILARIOUS.
The no pants cure alls and fart rumors….I can definitely see the attraction!
And HOW.
i think b just really wants to take your pants off.
This is true.
I remain in awe of your comfort level with flatulence. I still make excuses to leave the room. And yes, pets make the perfect scapegoats. “It was the houseplant!!” doesn’t work so well.
What if it was one of those venus fly traps? Look, if you eat protein, you can fart!
Once again, B proves how positivly bland my boyfriends have been.
Life is spicy.
In lots of ways…
Who is he kidding? Fly on the wall over teleport? Whatevs. I’m with you. I think I’d like to be on tropical island right now. BAM!
Says the girl in Vegas…
Teleport is a win over almost anything except invisibility. And Invisibility + Teleport? You could zap into someone’s bedroom, push one out and be gone… genius!
Oh, there are SO MANY people I would revenge fart…
lol last night hubs and i were talkin and i asked him if he would rather sky dive or heli-ski…
he looked at me blankly, crossed his arms, stared up in to the cieling (because that is where all the answers to life are kept) and replies ” this line of questioning is making me consider doing both on the same day…you have said i am a dreamer right? and don’t all gods children get to dream? good, let’s get some fried chicken.
I sat there gob-shocked, astounded and a little amused (not because of the fried chicken either….) because, its true…god’s “special children” are supposed to dream aren’t they?
ZIIIIIIIIIIING. Ahahaha!
I wish I could teleport.
DUH, right?!
Once again, reality show please.
Vh1? You hear that?
Ha, B cracks my shit up, he’s so damn funny. Fart rumors…I gotta use that one!
Use and abuse, my dear!
You guys have some serious conversations (LOL)
And by “serious”, you mean…
I’m with Herding Cats…a reality show needs to take place. Very, very soon!!
I concur. So long as they pay with cash money.
Dude, I’m with B on choosing mind-reading over teleportation. Think of the blackmail you could dig up on people! Screw being late — a few weeks of mind-reading and you’d be powerful enough that you wouldn’t have to go anywhere at all!
Like WORK. Oh, that would be heaven…
You me and your boyfriend should have a drink.
Wait, no. Not one drink.
A lot of drinks.
As opposed to what we usually do?
Teleport, easy. Although if you ask most guys, they want to be a fly on the wall, as every guy’s perfect world involves him in a girls’ locker room (We envision all the nubile girls rubbing lotion on each other, as that is what movies make us believes happens. That is what happens, right? And everyone has on white towels that sometimes drop to the floor?)
Sometimes they have Disney princesses on them, but that’s pretty close.
Oh my gosh. By the time I scrolled all the way down here, past the universe’s comments, I can’t remember what your post was about.
Something about toot-tastic teleporting cats bangin’ the shiz out of a pantless B?
Next time I’m taking advantage of that ADD ONE linky-dink. Geesh. ^_^
Hahaha. That’s what it’s there for!
That’s the only reason I have cats.
Wait til you read tomorrow’s…
DUMB. You should pick the animals. you could talk to CHEETAHS and ride on their backs to work.
COME ON.
Someone has been up for too many hours…
Stop spreading fart rumors Lilu..dammit…
that shit had crying laughing!
Glad to hear it.
I heart B. stop spreading fart rumors. Too funny!
He was quite indignant about it.
LMAO! I love the *toot* rumors! LOL!
you guys are the greatest couple in the world!!!
the two of you are HILARIOUS!
Ha! You guys are hilarious. You actually sound a lot like my boyfriend, R, and me – not to make it sound like I’m tooting our own horn by indirectly calling us hilarious, but our conversations do make me giggle. Below are a few shining gems from our daily interactions:
T: “I can’t believe you’re making me watch a ghost movie. You know how I feel about those.”
R “I didn’t think it would be that scary. You’ve seen ghost movies before, right? You watched Ghost Busters.”
T: “Don’t throw treats at the dog.”
R: “What? He likes it!”
T: “He doesn’t like it. Don’t throw things at him. You’re mean.”
R: “People throw candy at people all the time at parades!”
T: “Well, he’s never been in a parade!”
R: “Whatever. It is what it is.”
T: “Stop saying that. You’re not on a reality TV show.”
R: “I’m gonna throw you under the bus.”
*While folding laundry, R throws a sheet over my head*
T: “I’m a ghost! Raarrarrarr!! Wait… why is the ghost making sounds like he’s eating? Ghosts don’t eat. He probably hasn’t eaten anything in 75 years.”
R: “75 years? What is he a vampire?”
T: “No, he’s a ghost. Ghosts don’t eat. Vampires eat people.”
R: “Ghosts eat. They eat soup.”
T: “Soup?”
R: “Yeah, haven’t you ever heard of ‘Chicken Soup for the Soul?”
He’s also got a few great one liners
R: “Anyone who doesn’t like cake batter ice cream, I’d like to hit them with a bag of hot nickels!”
R: “I have a turbo charged connection. It’s like a regular connection on roids.”
Heh. We should round up all the boyfriends who say funny shiz and put them on stage for our own amusement.
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