Dear friends, lovers, and cohorts in crime…
Give me some room.
I’ve had an idea.
*hush goes over the crowd. or, wait… that sounds more like… stunned silence… and disbelief?*
Asshats.
MOVING ON.
Many of you have mentioned from time to time how nice it would be to hear more from B. A guest post, perhaps, or even a vlog (preferably drunk). Though I’ve tried to get him inebriated enough to agree to something like that many, many times, it has been to no avail.
Until now.
Let me ’splain.
Although my darling dear has many talents, like walking cats on leashes, one of my favorites is his ability to give advice. Let me rephrase that: really, REALLY good advice. Whereas I am a tad impatient, and perhaps even a bit, oh, impulsive (oh, did you all just snarf your coffees? SO SORRY)… he is generally calm, cool, and collected. He, what’s the phrase… “thinks things through.” Yanno, before acting.
Me? Notsomuch.
As I’ve said before, the man keeps me balanced. He stops me from popping off… he checks myself before I wreck myself. And so, I’ve decided to share his sage wisdom with you, in what will hopefully become a recurring sort of advice column. And yes, he has agreed to this, because A) he is pretty damn good at giving advice, and B) he gets to be all judgey, right? And what’s more fun than that.
So bring it on, my dears. Ask him about your friends, your relationships, money… friends who’ve stolen your relationships or money. Question him on sports, that pesky rash, or who will next get punched in the face on Jersey Shore.
The man does it all.
Answers will be posted on Tuesday (or over a couple days if necessary).
Happy Weekend, my friends… and I leave you with my favorite thing that happened to me this week… (thanks to @peteypumpkin for sending it to me, and to @Bboudreau for sending me five more just like it).
The only problem is that now when I listen to this song on the treadmill? I have to literally refrain myself from doing their dance moves.
Sexyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
Update: Okay, I think he’s got more than he can handle! I’ll post the answers in a few installments, maybe every Tuesday for a couple weeks. If you had a question you wanted to ask but didn’t get to, don’t worry, I’ll make him ask him nicely do this again. Woot!
*10 points to anyone who gets the movie reference. And by points I mean, go buy yourself a cookie.
P.S. Voting ends this Sunday… love you?
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{ 98 comments }
HOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YES!!!!! amazing.
B, i would like to know your thoughts/opinions on the possibility of Avatar porn, the Oxford comma, and Meryl Streep’s newfound status as a “sex symbol for the 50+ generation.”
B, how can I get rid of this uncomfortable itch?
Maxie Reply:
January 8th, 2010 at 10:55 am
oh i’ve got this one. stop hooking up with me bareback.
ok with the Hook reference you’ve cemented my crush on you.
My question to B is why does Axe Murderer not have a wig yet? Don’t you believe in having a stylish cat?
So I want to be a billionaire but I’m afraid the money will corrupt me. Like I mean I have this great idea for assha- oh……never mind.
Now how do I become a billionaire? I kinda already used my credit card to purchase a private jet…..
Jesus H. Christ.
Here..here’s a question.
Dear B,
How can I stop Lilu from sending me videos filled with gay men?
Please answer quickly, because I think I’m starting to turn.
Thanks.
I’m always running low on funds. How can I make extra money at night without, you know, becoming a hooker?
Dear B,
How can I get the dog to stop sniffing my crotch?
@Paula that’s a great idea for me to become a billionaire!
B, how do I become a hooker?
Absolutely love that video!!!
And also.
Dear B,
How do I know if a man is truly into me?
Dear B,
How can I make sure my boyfriend doesn’t cheat on me when he’s in Canada next week on a “mancation”?
Dude, I don’ t know which I love more: the Hook reference or the fact that you single-handedly validated my decision to eat cookies for lunch. Awesome.
Question for B: How does one get over a great lost love?
B – Should a man with a small wang really wear a speedo?
And if a man with a small wang wears one, does he think he has a big wang?
Should he be informed that it’s not in his favor to wear a speedo?
Dear B,
I hear you are kind of like Nostradamus. Only wiser.
What does it say about our society that 80% of the literate population in this country actually know who “Snookie” is.
And that if someone said, “Hey, there’s Snookie!” we wouldn’t respond, “what’s a snookie? Is it like a twinkie and a snickerdoodle mixed together?”
But rather, “no, way. where is that ho?”
Just saying. Please enlighten B.
T. The Destructor Reply:
January 8th, 2010 at 11:30 am
Actually I don’t know what snookie is…IS it betwix a snickerdoodle and a twinkie? That might be kind of good, in an overloaded-sugar kind of way.
Masala Chica (Kiran) Reply:
January 8th, 2010 at 5:19 pm
T.The Destructor.
Snookie is the chickadee who got her lights punched out on that show, the Jersey Shore. She is all of like 4′9″, has the IQ of a twinkie, and looks like she eats lots of snickers.
That is why I think she is called snookie.
I try to pretend I am more cerebral than I am but I end up watching this crap. I just find the time.
sigh.
I may hate you now, just a little. I had managed to avoid hearing “Party in the USA” up until this point, in spite of knowing about its existence.
But for real, I actually love you because advice columns are the most entertaining thing this side of the Potomac (that’s right, none of that NOVA bullshit).
So: Dear B, How do you gather up the courage to tell your best guy friend (who also happens to be someone used to date and have dumped before) that you have developed strong feelings for him? Should I drink first?
Lucy Reply:
January 9th, 2010 at 8:57 am
B, I am taking this one first.
Vie: NO DRINKING, at least not noticable to him, now pop a vicodin or two but don’t smell like ALCOHOL!!!
PETER PAN! do i win?
thanks to the both of you for coming by last night. i wish i could have hung out more!
Dear B,
Are aliens real? If a guy watches girly movies by himself, is he gay? What is with the guys wearing sparkly shirts?
Love the video btw!
I’m with Nickie. And why have you not forwarded these videos to me? Dude! Only the REALLY COOL girls do dance moves on the treadmill. My waterbottle is ALWAYS a microphone. Always.
dearest b,
how do i win over the love of my life, lil wayne, and make him mine forever?
- longing to be his lollipop
i feel like some southern blogger knows those guys, they are from georgia i think? and the nice gay man who lives in the condo below ours has it on REPLAY! well that, taylor swift, and “defying gravity” from the Wicked musical, all weekend. which i secretly love. hubby? notsomuch.
Dear B,
How do I deal with blogging about a girlfriend? Figure you probably have a good perspective on that sitch.
“Well that must hurt.”
I’ve also thought about having my guy guest post. Haven’t gotten around to it yet, but maybe someday.
The ‘Hook’ reference (although AMAZING) would have been doubly awesome if you threw in the “I just had an apostrophe” line.
B, what is your opinion onpocketless jeans?
B,
How is it you maintain such tight control over your relationship with LiLu, yet she still clearly thinks she’s the one calling the shots? Is there simply some beautiful flaw in her personality that allows for this, or could you instruct me on how to achieve similar results with my significant other?
seriously, still watching that video 395773846785329 times a day.
I could see that video being the theme for a variety show for LOGO, VERY SOON. Perhaps I should write the network about such an endeavor…of course they do have their hands full with Drag Queen Heritage month celebration. I’ll wait until Feburary.
And as I guessed correctly that is was a Hook reference, I can now go buy a salty oat cookie at Teaism for lunch without guilt (hell, I was going to buy it anyway but now I don’t feel quite as bad).
Anyways. Question time.
B.,
How can I tell my ex-boyfriend, who is now my friend (such as it is) that I want to break-up our friendship–that he is just not a good friend?
You know, I’m starting to wonder at that whole, “we’d be better as friends” speech people give. It’s obviously not working for me. We were better together, fighting ,then making up and bumping uglies than we are at being friends.
Thanks!
~Tiffani
Dear B, When are you going to make an honest woman of LiLu?
Excellent.
Kind of kills the stereotype of gay guys and their dancing abilities though. Love the salute at the end.
Question: how do I finally get my 3-year-old son potty trained?
Hee, hee – stump the teacher.
B-
How do I make my cats love me more than my fiance??
Kthxbye
Based on the questions I think B may be in for a little more than he bargained for. This should be good.
And a Hook reference AND permission to eat a cookie…it’s like Christmas all over again.
Question for B: I’m moving to a brand new city in May and I really don’t want to go back to selling pants for a living after busting my hump to get this damn Masters. What can I do in the next 4 months to make myself more employable…besides providing sexual favors on job interviews?
Honestly, that video makes me want to move….
Are you quoting Hook? I love you…
Dear B, you are probably in the same boat as me, gifted with huge junk. How do you handle those awkward stares in the mens room?
HAHAHA! This vid made me pee a little!
Julia
http://jewliagoulia.blogspot.com
I love the word “asshat” I have no idea where it came from, but it’s truly a most wonderful word!
Ally
Tales Of A Fourth Grade Nothing
I’ll be back with a question later.But hey,would LOVEto read about all the answers!Wheee!Love the video!
love the video!
b,
my manfriend and i are planning to cohabitate this spring. this is new territory for me. while we spend almost every night together now, LIVING TOGETHER is so totally different. will you give me some tips on what to expect and how to cohabitate in peace?
(ps- remember you met said manfriend back in boston a couple months ago. the great parkland vs. emmaus debate ring a bell?!
)
genius!
b,
how do i make my pug (jager) stop eating my fuzzy dog’s (bailey) poop? you see, a few weeks ago he threw it up in the middle of the night, i went to the kitchen to get paper towels and carpet cleaner… when i came back, he was eating it again. and i threw up. all. over. the. nightstand. i cannot have this happen again as it was very disruptive to my sleep, plus i swear my husband hasn’t looked at me the same since, so please PLEASE tell me how to make him stop eating her poop.
ps i hope that animal feces is your area of expertise
B,
How can I get the neighborhood degenerates to stop smashing their empty 40s on the sidewalk outside of my house?
Thanks – this is an issue that has been plauging me for some months now.
Like the song wasn’t catchy enough on its own…
Hm, what to ask B…
You’re quoting Hook, and I’ll sink farther into geekdom by saying it’s during the part where Captain Hook almost commits suicide and then Smee has the idea that Hook should make the kids love him and want to stay with him.
/geekdom
B – How do I tell my oldest friend (oldest as in we’ve been friends for 24 years) that she generally sucks as a friend and needs to make time for people, without hurting her feelings?
Dear B,
When are you going to commit already and put a ring on it?
How do I deal with co-workers who are driving me crazy? (Since my husband will be a future lawyer, murder is obviously not an option.
)
My friend Jasmine is best friends with the Party in the FIP fellas.
She’s been in other videos they’ve done.
B – Eff, marry, kill: Rosie O’Donnell, Rosie Perez, and Perez Hilton. Go.
1. That video is magical and I favorited it and watched it a billion times.
2. I’ve just had an apostrophe!
Genius idea.
Dear B,
How do I wait 3ish more years to get married and start having babies when I want them NOW but my boyfriend is in law school/is a commitment-phobe/is financially supported by his father so it doesn’t really make sense to do now?
Love,
Trying to be a cool non-pressuring girlfriend
It’s Hook! Sweet, I get a cookie! And that video was all kinds of amazings. LOVE.
Dear B,
How do I tell the fat person that I work with that every time she squats down beside my desk to talk all that I can smell is vagina & sweat.
ps- I love your girlfriend
I thought good song (after I scrolled the video off the screen). Then found out it was Miley. … Still liked it. Then found this for the guys. (how old is she?)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M11SvDtPBhA
Okay – that’s like the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. Or maybe this weather just makes me wish I was at the beach with hot gay guys… Reminds me of fun times in Rehoboth. Is it sad that I have more pre-marriage nostalgia for the gay boyfriends than the straight ones? Something to bring up in my next therapy session I gues…
YOU. JUST. MADE. MY. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!1!!
OMG. Belle up there asked my same question. To a TEEEEE.
Well. To B.
So lets double up on that one, kthxbai because struggling law students are pains to date.
Also B?
Can I drunk dial you from Cali when your woman is nestled in my bosom?
Dear B,
How do I form a relationship with my wretched little sister? I have an awesome relationship with my older sister (mainly because she’s not an asshole) and my mother wastes a lot of my time trying to make me feel guilty for not liking my (judgmental assholey) little sister. I guess the real question is: how do I get my mom to lay off the guilt trips? Or better yet, how do I get my little sister to stop being such a c-word so I can have a real relationship with her and not just a relationship that involves a lot of crying and stabbing?
Thanks!
Hillary
I definitely want to his hear his predictions on who’s getting punched next on Jersey Shore. Fuck yea.
Loved the video. That was great, especially the pool scene.
B – I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years now. In case it’s relevant I’ll be 30 this year. Since we’ve been together 2 years I figured it’s time to see where his head’s at and if this is going anywhere. That conversation only informed me that although he loves me and does not want me to move on etc. etc. etc. he’s not even thinking about committment whatsoever and has no clue as to when he might start thinking about commitment. So my question is since I love him and he’s a great guy do I keep waiting, or do I move on? If your answer is keep waiting – what do you think is a reasonable amount of time to wait? At this point I’m torn, but kinda leaning towards moving on – not that i need some huge committment, but dude it’s been 2 years now…figure your shit out.
imerika Reply:
January 8th, 2010 at 2:52 pm
Megan–I’ll answer this one for you. Because honestly if you read your question over, you should be able to figure out the answer–and that’s move on!
you’re 30…you’re not getting any younger (no offense), but when you finally do get married, don’t you think you’d want to get married to a guy who is absolutely totally into you rather than a guy who settled down because his gf told him he had to?
it’s been two years, how much longer does a guy need to know?
i’m just sayin. the answer isn’t easy, but its painfully clear.
LiLu Reply:
January 9th, 2010 at 11:54 am
Don’t worry, Megan. B will be providing the man POV as well…
xoxo
B–How do I bring up the idea of friends with benefits to a guy without sounding easy?
I love that you love Hook!!! I just bought it for a friend of mine for Christmas. Her husband is a meanie head, and thinks it’s a stupid movie!! :O Moron, I say.
B- Why do most people not find Big Bird, a SIX FOOT CANARY, in the least bit disturbing? I mean, really.
Why do dudes think farts are funny?
I can’t think of anything to ask B. I’ll see if the Hubs has anything to ask. Also that video, wonderful, I want to package one of them up and take them home so they can go shopping with me and braid my hair while we drink wine.
i have a question similar to someone up there. i also have a stalker who likes to google my url and read my comments. so illjust wait for Tuesday to osee waht B says to the other reader
and isn’t it the disney’s cartoon of peter pan and not Hook? i’m starting to doubt myself here.
rufiooooooooooooo.
and my question to B is. who would win in a fight, snooki or an ewok?
especially the part they swing their hips to: and moving my hips like yeah.
You just made my day with that video.
Dear B,
Why do boys always stick their hand halfway down their pants while sitting on the couch watching tv? Especially while watching sports.
Sincerely,
Marie
I need advice!
I’m 6 feet tall… usually 6′3 or so in my heels and short men loooooove to hit on me. I whine occasionally that I don’t really date much, but it’s hard because I’m only attracted to tall boys. So, (a) what’s the best way to turn the vertically-challenged away and not hurt their feelings, (b) on a scale from 1-10… how shallow am I, and (c) do you have any tall, single guy friends in need of a nerdy blogger date?
I can’t believe this is the first time you’ve shared and/or seen that video. YOU! The queen of awesome videos! I’m disappointed in you.
A good friend of mine in LA actually knows the guys in that video. SWEET.
SNARF in your COFFEES. I’m framing that.
Dearest B~
How do I get my loving, adorable and wonderful husband to actually hear me while I am speaking to him? It’s like he can hear everything except for my voice. There are times I say his name a dozen times over and over and he STILL does not hear me. It’s uber annoying. I’m going to beat him. And not in a good beat way.
Yours truly,
Kellie (one of your to be wives once we all move to Mormon country)
What’s wrong with dance moves on the treadmill? Ups the cardio right?
I’ll see your childhood movie reference (Hook!) and raise you another. My first reaction to your blog was, “a dangerous pasttime!”, “I know.”
well, thats totally Hook goober
and while at this time i do not have a question i need the all-knowing & all-powerful B to answer……
I CANNOT FUCKING WAIT TO READ THAT ONE.
full of The Awesome. for sure.
Love the dance moves, I need to totally try this in my underwear. Also, your idea to have B do an advice column is freakin’ awesome!
I’m very excited about B’s advice column.
hey B, I definitely could use your advice. I’ve heard that you are good at planning for potentially dangerous situations right?
What the hell should I do in case I’m driving through a trailer park and they block of the exit, holding shotguns and pitchforks?
Good Mooooooooooooorning Neverland! Tie down the main mast, mateys. ‘Cause here he is, the cunning kingfish, the bad barracuda! A man so deep, he’s almost unfathomable. A man so quick, he’s even fast asleep – Is my favourite quote from the film
Dear B,
When are you and LiLu going to apply to be on the Amazing Race?
It would be entertaining t.v….
Wow, people really love this idea (well, because it’s a good one). Maybe I’ll have to do something similar.
B- Why do we like boobs so much? They look great, and we are mesmerized by cleavage, but what gives? It’s just extra fat tissue, right? And yet, such a good time. Thoughts?
Peter Pan?
Maybe?
I have no idea.
Great Idea, LiLu
Dear B,
Mr. POSSLQ and I have been together for 5 years. Marriage is not in our future. How do I get people to stop asking when we’re going to get married? The answer is “probably never” but people seem to have a very hard time accepting that.
Also, on the off chance I ever made it to DC, do you think I have a chance in hell of being able to party with LiLu and you, cuz, I’m pretty old compared to y’all but it’d be a blast to party with you guys.
Thanks!
MsDarkstar
Okay that video made my day! I loved when the little dog came in out of nowhere to chase bubbles near the end. This is a very secure bunch of guys to put something like this on the Internet…
OMG. Crazy and Funny! Now when I here those songs I will have a tough time refraining from dancing.
I’m thinking Ed Adams questioned will be skipped (LOL)
That video has disturbed me on levels that I cannot even verbalize.
Loved the Hook reference, but that video. Best. Thing. Ever.
That video made my DAY! Thank you!!
P.S. – Love your blog!
Wow! This is my first time by and this must have been crazy popular! Can’t wait to see what he has to say.
debbie´s last blog ..What Do You Want to be When You Grow Up?
No comment replies on this yet?! Come on now. It’s the weekend. You have all sorts of free time now. You have blogger responsiblities here too. Get that keyboard set up on the treadmill and multitask.
Mike´s last blog ..1029 – Balance
LiLu Reply:
January 9th, 2010 at 1:09 pm
The comments are question for B to answer, my dear… not me. The responses will be posted.
“I’ve just had an apostrophe!”
“…that must hurt.”
(Off to find my cookie…)
Rabbit´s last blog ..Commentery Tit Workage
test
for context: ntkog got me interested in your site. i followed a few links from this post to the one about how one of your cats made b pee on himself, and i would have commented on that post but comments are closed.
however, while just randomly browsing the web, i came across this and immediately thought of you.
http://www.lunapads.com/product.aspx?ProductID=166&deptid=28&
bangarang!!
LiLo – you rock the socks outta life; thanks for making my day a little better. Today has been hella un cool! The party in the USA is literally this “fruit fly’s” fav!! xoxo
Danon´s last blog ..Jesus didn’t meet me face to face but he still loves me!
B. Money Question should I invest in a ROTH IRA or Retirment portfolio with diversified stocks? I’m only 23, but I feel so far behind from other twenty somethings with 30,000+ saving accounts. And how does it feel to have a girlfriend that writes the most hilarious blog ever!
Ed´s last blog ..(500) Days of Summer: A Review
I’m a new reader to the blog, Masshole, but what the hell!
B-
How can one go about being abducted by aliens?
Also: What is the best man-food, in your humble opinion?
barbetti´s last blog ..Because I’m All About the Fail
Thank you a lot for your text about this topic! I would order essays or buy custom essay papers with the help of the paper writing service.
You made the movie reference too easy by mentioning Smee’s name! Though the reference reminded me of my boyfriend’s epic fail of NOT recognizing the quote when I said, “For-ev-er.”
Somehow we’re still together. I may ask for B’s advice on the matter.
Katherine´s last blog ..Going forward one year and backward 50
The video was played over and over at my birthday party, not that I didn’t already love the song!
so i finally make it over here and i’m super intimidated by the number of comments in the comment section.
however, what i’ve read i like and i think that mayhaps i’ll drop by again. i’ve heard lots of good things about you.
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