B Tells You What To Do With Your Life, Part I

Hey kids, it’s time for the first set of responses to B’s new “advice column”! There were nearly 100 questions asked, so we’ll have to break this up a bit. I’ll be posting the responses on Tuesdays until I run out. Easy enough, no?

Things to know:

• These aren’t necessarily in the EXACT order they were asked. Don’t worry, I’ll whine remind him politely until they’re all answered.
• I have in no way read his responses. Like at all. I lit-rally just copied and pasted here. So, uh… yeah. This should be interesting.
• I’m scared. (See above.)

And away we go!

cavy: “B, i would like to know your thoughts/opinions on the possibility of Avatar porn, the Oxford comma, and Meryl Streep’s newfound status as a “sex symbol for the 50+ generation.”

I am fully supportive of innovative pornography–though I don’t look forward to the thought of giant penises blasting out of the TV screen towards my face (I get enough of that Tuesday nights). 

I am a very strong proponent of the Oxford (or serial) comma.  Consider how one would say this list if spoken: “I enjoy sex, beer, and football” NOT “I enjoy sex, beerandfootball.” 

Meryl Streep naked: something I don’t want to see in 3 or 2 dimensions.

Lemmonex: “B, how can I get rid of this uncomfortable itch?”

Penicillin cures all that ails. Except AIDS (isn’t AIDS a drag?)

Ashley: “Why does Axe Murderer not have a wig yet? Don’t you believe in having a stylish cat?” On a related note, Shannon asks: “How do I make my cats love me more than my fiance??”

I DO believe in having a stylish cat.  Though I’ve ceded  to Lilu sole responsibility for outfitting our cats in embarrassing/uncomfortable costumes.   As it turns out Shannon, while costumes do make for a stylish cat, they also result in an angry cat.  Suggest to your fiance that he dress the cats up….to prepare him for fatherhood.  This will have one of two outcomes: 1) He will leave you (now who’s the cats favorite), or 2) the cats will despise him (leaving you as the cats favorite and with an emasculated fiance–TWOFER!).

Nickie: “How do I know if a man is truly into me?”

I guess there’s no absolutely certain way to know.  Does he enjoy your company and prefer to be with you rather than apart?  Does he still play stupid relationship games (i.e. let’s be childish and wait X-days to call, and only see you Y-days a week)? Is he banging other women?  Has he relaxed around you to the point he shares those embarrassing/dorky aspects of his personality (for instance he is a sci-fi nerd, wears woman’s underwear,  cries during Disney movies, etc…)?  You’re probably looking good if the answers to those questions are: Yes, No, No, and Yes.

Alex Roda: “Now how do I become a billionaire? I kinda already used my credit card to purchase a private jet…..”

Alex would later, on his own, come to the correct conclusion that prostitution is his best option.  Someone tell ME, a situation where prostitution isn’t the best option.

Additionally, Paula asks: “I’m always running low on funds. How can I make extra money at night without, you know, becoming a hooker?”

If for some reason you don’t want to be a prostitute try being a bartender: it’s the flirting, listening to stranger’s personal problems, and money of prostitution without the penetration (usually).

PQ: “How can I get the dog to stop sniffing my crotch?”

Go through menopause (Yay, hot flashes!) or shower often.

Jackie: “How can I make sure my boyfriend doesn’t cheat on me when he’s in Canada next week on a “mancation”?”

Your first line of defense should be not to date an asshole would cheat on you while on “mancation” in Canada.  Or for that matter, take a “mancation” to Canada–but I’ll let that slide for now.  Though seriously, I think you’ll be fine. He and his buddies will get drunk, go to some strip clubs, watch football, and draw penises on whoever passes out first .  What you should not do is excessively express worries that he’s going to cheat.  Instead tell him “go have fun, ogle some strippers, drink with your buddies, and come home safe (safe is a euphemism for “not infected with AIDS).”  This should result in your boyfriend being so grateful at having the best-girlfriend-ever he will continue to be extra-faithful.

That Kind of Girl: “Question for B: How does one get over a great lost love?”

One doesn’t.  Sorry.  Just look back fondly on the good times and try not to completely gloss over the bad times/his negative aspects–people always seem better a few years removed.  As cold-hearted as it sounds, I’d also suggest a zero-contact rule with said “great lost love.” Lastly, you should: hang out with your friends, get drunk, hook up, and have some fun.

Carol: “Should a man with a small wang really wear a speedo? And if a man with a small wang wears one, does he think he has a big wang? Should he be informed that it’s not in his favor to wear a speedo?”

Maybe he’s a grower not a shower?

Masala Chica (Kiran): “What does it say about our society that 80% of the literate population in this country actually know who “Snookie” is?”

Just tell yourself its indicative of our society’s keen awareness of violence against women and MTV’s steps to bring light to this horrible problem.  All other alternatives are too depressing to consider.

Vie and T. The Destructor: How do you gather up the courage to tell your best guy friend (who also happens to be someone used to date and have dumped before) that you have developed strong feelings for him? Should I drink first?

Vie and Tiffani seem to be in the same predicament.  Drink before, drink during, and drink after the conversation (and if everything goes well the bang-time which is to follow).  However, I would urge caution before going through with the ol’ reverse breakup.  If you believe: 1) he feels the same way, or is at least open to the possibility, 2) you won’t change your mind about him again, at least in the near future, and 3) you really want a boyfriend…go for it.  As for the conversation itself, be straighforward about how you feel, let him know you’ve really thought it through, and I’m sure showing your boobs won’t hurt your cause.  I can’t think of many conversations that would not be improved by more boobs.

Carissajaded: “Are aliens real? If a guy watches girly movies by himself, is he gay? What is with the guys wearing sparkly shirts?”

1) Yes.

2) Watching girly movies by one’s self is the only way to do it.  Otherwise someone might see you tear up when, for example, that guy from Love Actually goes all the way to Portugal to profess his love to that chick (don’t judge me).

3) Wearing sparkly shirt = gay or a straight douchebag (see Jon Gosslin and the cast of the Jersey Shore).

Kendall: “How do I deal with blogging about a girlfriend? Figure you probably have a good perspective on that sitch.”

If how LiLu tricked me into revealing every offensive thing I’ve ever said is a road map it goes like this: Initially offer your girlfriend full editorial control regarding stories about her.  Next, publish innocuous/charming stories about her without her approval to lower her guard.  Then slowly push the boundaries and soon you’ll be telling stories about how she pees the bed and hates Nebraskans.

Jeney: “B, what is your opinion on pocketless jeans?”

They are awful.  Pocketless jeans make a great ass look dumpy and a dumpy ass look like you have stuffed your jeans with rotten pumpkin (why rotten pumpkin–I couldn’t tell you).  Pocketless jeans are as stupid as non-crotchless panties. See what I did there…

Jay: “How is it you maintain such tight control over your relationship with LiLu, yet she still clearly thinks she’s the one calling the shots? Is there simply some beautiful flaw in her personality that allows for this, or could you instruct me on how to achieve similar results with my significant other?”

It’s all about picking your battles (and being manipulative!). For example, LiLu will frequently go out to brunch, which turns into dinner, which turns into dancing and karaoke on Saturday or Sunday.  She feeling terrible about abandoning me all day. But I put on a brave face and tell her that I love her and to have a great time.  Meanwhile with nothing else to do, I’m forced to spend my day on the couch in my boxers watching football, drinking, and playing video games.  Tough break for sure, but I somehow manage.

You wanted more B, you’ve got him, my friends!