In light of the fact that I single-handedly deleted my entire 450-posts blog yesterday, I think we should all take a minute to hold hands and do some sort of earthy-crunchy breathing exercise. Maybe we can all go around the circle and say something “unique” about ourselves? Play the name game? I’ll be “LiLu Lamebrain”. Go!
I’m sorry. I just had a veryscary moment where I thought I might have lost all of you, this place, forever…
It did not feel good.
(And btw, the fact that it DIDN’T happen is a Christmas miracle courtesy of my dear friend Shauna, who originally set me up over here at the WP. She is up to her ears in customers already, but send some love her way via her blog or Twitter for me, mmmmkay?)
Anyhoo, I’ve decided to celebrate my further abomination on the interwebs blog existence with an installment of everyone’s favorite feature, The Shiz My Boyfriend Says (click for past Shizzes, obvs).
Commence!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
During the show Tool Academy, one of the contestants expresses his belief in the necessity of acting “aloof”.
From other side of couch…
B: Oh, hey… I didn’t see you come in there.
Me: You mean, to the couch we bought together… in the apartment we live in together?
B: Yeah. You been there a while? At least you look comfortable, that’s cool I guess. As long as you’re here, you might as well get me a beer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
)A special thanks to B’s work wife Jill for sharing this with me.)
At B’s work Holiday Party, they were playing some sort of trivia game…
Announcer: Which organ, taken from the sperm whale, was the largest organ to ever be removed from an animal?
B: (jumps up and shouts) PENIS!!!!
Announcer: Penis! I have Penis over here. B was first to answer with the response of “penis”!
Everyone Else: [fucking DYING of laughter]
FYI? The answer was “brain”. Nice, darling. NICE.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As has become our routine, B sets down his beer next to my side of the couch to pass to him after he then stealthily acquires a cat for his lap- in this case, Axe Murderer. He settles in with her and then looks over at me…
B: Hey, look at her tail![Her tail is up, and I am, therefore, looking directly into the "eye". YOU know what I mean.]
Me: Aw, come on!
B: Hahahaha I made you look at her butthole! Pound it, girl cat! [He tries to "pound it" with Axe Murderer, who merely looks annoyed.]
Me: It winked at me, you a-hole!
B: Hahaha. [Notices the one great flaw in his evil plan...] Hmm. Maybe I should have asked you to hand me my beer BEFORE doing that…
Me: [Evil grin, BIG swig.]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
During the lazy snowed-in weekend, I managed to convince B to watch part of Step Up 2: THE STREETS with me. The premise: Unruly girl from “the streets” of Baltimore must go to hoity-toity arts school in order to stay with her foster mom, and is forced to choose between her “old crew” and the “new crew” she finds at said school. Then, obviously, the crews dance-battle it out in THE STREETS. While it’s pouring rain. Duh.
Me: I know this is horrible. You can change it if you want…
B: Naw… I relate to this, cause I actually broke up with 3 or 4 chicks because they told me they were going to school. I don’t need my women knowing how to READ and shit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And, in light of the fact that Maxie actually just GOT me a Bump-It for Christmas, I just had to include this gem…
(Commercial for the Bump-It comes on…)
Me: Why haven’t you gotten me that?!
B: I was hoping you’d get it for yourself! Why don’t you take some goddamn pride in your appearance. You’ve NEVER bumped it up!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sighhhhhhhhh. And everything is back to normal… just the way I like it.
{ 84 comments }
I about had a heart-attack when I saw the tweet from you last night re: deleting your entire blog. I almost wondered how you did it, but then thought “Wait, why would I want to know that, then I might do it to myself by accident.” I’m happy to see everything is once again semi-right in the world.
Semi-right? I’m trying, I’m trying!
OMG…thank goodness….can you actually do that???
I am glad its all settled….
Oh, Merry Christmas and a happy new year LiLu…B and the kitties!! <3<3<3 Hope it's all white and wintery
Trust me, you SURE can. Though it’s harder to do with Blogger. And thanks, hon- you too!
My husband and your BF are clearly long lost brothers.
The things that my huz says make me die inside on a daily basis. How do they come up with all that crap?! Love it…
It just… COMES. Naturally.
I think I would rather stare into the blinking asshole of a cat than admit that I watched ‘Step Up 2.’
Maybe that’s just me.
I made him watch, to be fair. They have some sweet ass dance moves!
Why do cats insist on putting their rears in everyone’s faces?!?! I think they should wear cat pants. It’s a good thing they are so cute and adorable to make up for it.
I would be so sad if your entire blog was deleted. It always makes me laugh!
I WOULD DIE. Sad but true.
Love these posts. Reminds me of the whacked shit my husband says.
Ah, men.
The penis one sounds a bit like us watching jeopardy in our living room.
Sometimes, it truly seems it is the answer/reason for everything… including problems.
And poor B felt like a right penis after shouting out that answer…
Our cat is named Raisin……guess why
*snarf*
glad everything is back to normal!!
You and me both!
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! I just thought it was me being an ass when I couldn’t find your blog. I could see your last post on my Reader but couldn’t get to it to leave a comment and I was all “What the fuck is THIS?”but now I see it’s just you having a shortbus moment so now I feel much better.
Me and my shortbus moment need some alone time, after all that hullaballoo.
???!!??!?!
I saw the original Step Up.
That shit was NOTHING like the dance battles I’ve been in.
Vlogging to prove it.
You deleted your blog? I’ve a few suggestions.
Lilu “Blog Exterminator”
The Terminator (is that taken?)
To be fair on B, you would think that whales would have large penises. Right?
And I’m sure that’s what all his coworkers thought, too…
Any time a man jumps up yelling PENIS, its cause for laughter.
And how.
This is hilarious lady!!!
lol
Thanks love.
I need to not read these at work… I burst out laughing everytime
But works sucks! Laughing makes it better.
I probably would have yelled penis too. But I yell penis a lot and sometimes it’s not even an answer to a question. Also? God, do your hair. Bump…bump bump it up.
I am totally stoked to Bump It, Bump It Up.
I’m not surprised at the blog deletion. All those stray UV rays emitting from the jersey shore tans may have been making you feel loopy.
I KNEW it. No more fist pumping!
B is as hilarious as you!! And I have a bumpit.
Maxie showed me how to use it, but I am skeptical of my skills…
You know that a whale penis is called a dork, right?
HAHAHA!!! I think I did, but not since, oh, 5th grade…
Holy crap woman! I didn’t know you almost deleted your blog! Not cool. But thankfully it is here. *phew*
Wait, the answer isn’t penis? Hmmm…..I disagree.
I know, right?? … Nevertheless, I would not SHOUT it among my coworkers…
You can’t tell people that you almost deleted your blog…without telling us how this almost occurred.
Don’t worry. It’s very difficult to do unless you get into the self-hosting techy stuff. Bottom line: BACK UP YO SHIZ.
sighs,I was going to say my bf and your B are longlost brothers-but somebody got to it earlier!
Lol-DONT YOU EVER PULL THAT DELETING BLOG THINGY.NAH-UH
I promise! I backed it allllllllllllll up last night.
I would have yelled penis too at the whale question. What? I’ve heard that they are well…’equipped’.;)
Ha!
i saw your blogging disaster on twitter. my heart reached out to you! but phewww…so happy everything is good as gold. but lets be serious girl, how did such a thing happen?
ps, you and b and that christmas photo on twitter-LOVE!
Me too.
And don’t worry, it’s pretty hard to do- BUT remember to export your blog every now and then, just in case!
Penis would be the first thing to come to my mind, too, in that situation. I cannot explain why, although the jumping up and down and yelling it part, that’s all your man. That should be on tape.
Also, no more deleting the bloggy, please. GEEZ.
NeverevereverEVER.
LOLz! You saved the best for last on this one! Like I said before… You guys seriously need a reality show!
Yes please. With monies involved, preferably.
I just bought Wii Cheer. No, I’m not kidding. Is it bad that I now kinda wanna bring the whole set up to DC when I’m there for NYE, just so I can try to get you guys to play it?
I shall be OFFENDED if you don’t.
Do you use a backup? I have a backup on my computer that is free. I would literally crap myself if I deleted my blog.
Let’s just say it’s a good thing I was wearing an OICMP.
I’ve said too much…
PENIS!!! o wait, we aren’t playing that game either?
My bestie totally got me a bump-it for xmas too! We can rock on like guidettes for sure now!
Yes!! I gotta get orange-r!
me too! lol. =]
I did have heart failure when I read your tweet last night, SOOO glad your blog survived!!
You and me BOTH, on the heart failure. Thanks hon!
In fairness to B, whales have HUGE dongs. If i was a homosexual man or a slutty woman with a thing for animals, it would definitely be a whale.
I dunno. I’m a firm believer in “too much of a good thing”…
Classic. As always.
He’s definitely on to something with the whole, uneducated woman thing.
I really, really hope everyone knows he is ENTIRELY KIDDING.
I kin totely reed AND rite good.
You two could have a whole reality show from your couch. I’d watch it.
Bump it up woman!
I’m going to just let the video camera roll one weekend and send it in to Vh1.
I always ask Matt why he hasn’t gotten me a bump it yet…
See! Leave it to the girlfriends to come through for me.
Well it’s called a sperm whale for christs sakes…of course penis is going to be the first thing that comes to mind! (somebody has to come to B’s defense on this one)
Now go get that bumpit!
Hahaha! I’m with you- I think it’s hilarious AND logical.
So to summarize, he wants you to bump it, and wants you to NOT know how to read. Stay classy girl. ;^)
That’s “klassy”, thank you very much.
Oh good god, I can’t imagine what you must’ve felt when you thought your site was deleted!!! Misery and vomit is what I can imagine. Awful! Thank god you’re back!!!
Heart attack, misery, chugging of wine, all of the above…
A Bumpit? Classic!
I’m glad you didn’t lose your blog yesterday. I was nervous for awhile there.
You and me both, lady. *sigh of relief*
The bump it commercial just came on and I was all ‘DD buy me that!’ and he was all eye rolley
I love you for saying “eye rolley”.
I probably would have beat em to saying Penis, but that’s just because that’s how I answer every trivia question. And get with the times, Bump it girl friend!!
I’m so happy your site is saved!!
You and me BOTH, mofo.
I can’t believe you got bump-its. I’m so jealous of you.
As you should be.
“you’ve never bumped it up” = my new saying. thank you, B.
He never runs out of them.
You NEED to blog a picture of you wearing the bumpit. With a tutorial too, thanks.
I’m pretty sure it would have to be a “DON’T” vlog, rather than a “DO”…
I’m so relieved about your blog! That would have been tragic! I think we need pictures of a lilu bumpit fashion show!
I wonder if I can put the mini (bangs!) Bump It on Murray…
You haven’t really experienced cat asshole until there’s the end of a looooooong piece of tinsel hanging out of it…
Merry Christmas LiLu!!!
Oh, yikes. And also, thanks.
“It winked at me.”
Wow!
Just…wow.
Glad the blog is safe.
IT DID. It was traumatic!
I though the brain in the male was the penis? So technically he was right!
Please just record everything he says while watching Jersey Shore.
Glad you didn’t delete all of you! Happy holidays to you, B and the kittehs!
That’s what I said!!! Re: the male brain and penis!
Uggs are ok as long as they are under the jeans and NEVER EVER EVER paired with leggings of any size, shape, color, or pattern and a pencil skirt.
I will hunt you down if I catch wind of such nonsense coming from you. Might as well have gotten dressed in the dark layaway closet at Marshalls.
Love you mean it
Happy holidays and let’s hang out in the new year. Like seriously. Let’s stop fucking around!
JJ
You never come to my events!!! Next time… you better be there! And I bought super cute snow boots, so I promise, no Uggs!
A bump it?! I demand pictures.
love your face.
SMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCH
So, the only difference between Step Up and Step Up 2 is the gender of the “wrong side of the tracks” person? Well, I guess that’s a bigger difference than can be found in any of the Cutting Edge movies, which I think are essentially 1 original and 2 scene-by-scene remakes of the first one.
Actually, the main difference was that it was MISSING CHANNING TATUM’S FACE.
Blasphemy.
Holy cow – that must’ve been a giant panic! Yikes!
Brain, penis…I’m going to bet most men confuse them much of the time.
So, so true.
Yeah after the first two minutes when Channing Tatum obviously wasn’t going to be in that movie, I was OH SO DONE WATCHING.
So how was B’s beer? Good eh?
It was. And so was the glass of wine he got me in return.
i don’t know what i would do with myself if your blog was gone…i’m being serious! these are my favorite…don’t scare us again!
Awwww. Love you hon! I’m not going anywhere!
I hate looking at cat assholes. It’s so weird. “… Why don’t you take some goddamn pride in your appearance. You’ve NEVER bumped it up!” I don’t know why that cracked me the fuck up.
ME TOO. If only you could have seen the *way* he said it, too.
I’m veryyyy glad you didn’t end up deleting your blog, girl! That must have been terrifyinggg =/
Omg, your boyfriend sounds too funny for words. I swear, boyfriends can be the most oblivious people EVER sometimes! Some of the things that come out of my boyfriend’s mouth…I just stare, I cannot believe that was real. This list just made me dieeee. You’re such a doll =)
Aaaaaaaaaaand I love your face. You just made my day!
I think you need a bit more of a segue between looking at the cat’s butthole and B “trying to pound it”.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA
Touché, my friend. Touché.
as always i am laughing my f’ing ass off!
Have a MERRY CHRISTMAS! 
You too darlin!
Thanks
I speak (or write) with all sincerity when I say: if your blog had been deleted permanently, Christmas would have been ruined … or at least, not the same with you, your TMI Thursdays, and the shiz your boyfriend says. You’re awesome. The only thing that keeps happening is a bottom scrollbar flickers in and out on this page but … maybe that’s just me and my computer’s lameness.
I gotta admit, I probably would have said penis too. *is ashamed*
Hahaha! Awww, you’re too sweet. (And I probably would have too. Don’t tell anyone…)
girl, you kill me. HILARIOUS!!!
P.S. Love the snow!!
ME TOO!
Ha! He totally nailed you with the old “winking cat-butthole” trick. Zing! The Shiz, indeed.
He nailed me. He nailed me good.
TWSS!!!
Ahhhh the sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach the delete button can give you sometimes.
The DEPTHS of despair, my friend… I knew them.
I would like to be a fly on the wall for these conversations, amazing.
You would be welcome in our nest of love.
Awkward.
Can I just tell you that I’ve been MIA the past few days and if I had tried to come back to your blog and not found it I would have been DEVASTATED. Mortified. Suicidal even. Okay, maybe not suicidal, but you get my jist.
Also, I just got a bump it for a white elephant Xmas gift! I haven’t tried it yet but can’t wait to bump my hair up a volume! It’s going to be GREAT!
OMG. We need to do a “Bump It Post” Day!!!!!!!!!!!
Does the bump it thing work? I must know.
I shall report back soon…
i’m pretty sure i would look ridiculous with a bump it. and um when are you going to use yours and take pictures of it? because obviously that would be amazing.
Oh, it WILL happen.
I really have no idea whether it is a good or bad thing that I have a movie scene playing in my head as I read each of these installments?
Dang lady. Bump it out for your man. Ah ha ha
Did you try the bump-it? I read somewhere that the stylists for Gossip Girl use them on Blair all the time. There have been random nights where I wake up to the commericial and ponder the purchase. Oh and, I love B. Just sayin.
I bought some cat’s eye once. It was brown.
ps – glad you are still here and all the posts are archived for posterity and all.
You know, B sets the standard for men everywhere. Can I borrow him?
That sounds like some quality cinema right there.
I’m so glad you recovered your blog!!!
1) I am soooo glad you didn’t delete your blog. The world would be missing out.
2) Nooooo you did not get the bump it! Those girls on that commercial give me nightmares.
Yikes I read your tweets yesterday about the blog situation. That stinks! I’m so glad you’re back up and running. I’ll say my bloggy prayers for you.
I’m so glad you didn’t delete your blog! I had a scare like that once, I almost died, in fact a part of my did.
A bump-it is fucking awesome….awe-some. I think I’m getting my sister a Snuggie for her dog, which is just classic.
I bought a Bumpit too. I thought, if nothing else, maybe I could write about it. Haven’t taken the damn thing out of the box.
When I do, I want to Bump it so high the rest of me looks 30 pounds lighter.
Ah, for a moment, you had me scared too but everything is all right again
Haha! “PENIS!” I was thinking the same thing so I can’t fault him
Do you really want a Bump-It? Haha… Those things are weird to me. But if you get one, enjoy!
Love these! =)
In defence of B, women often accuse men thinking with their dicks – so it’s easy to see how he got confused…..
You two are perfect for one another…just fucking perfect. It makes me want to puke.
me you and lex need to make a bump it vlog. or at least a bump it photo shoot.
I forgot how funny these posts were about you and your boyfriend. Your life seems super entertaining all the time haha