HI THERE!!!!!
[Waves, gives ridiculously tight hug]
It’s been a while but I’m back in style, massively hating life because I am, for the first time in almost two weeks, at WORK where all these people seem to expect me to DO STUFF.
Redic.
But somehow, some way, I’ll get through it. Pray for me. No, wait, on second thought… just send booze.
Pictures and stories to come, to be sure, but for now, I’m just trying to get through Day 1 of Operation: Back to Real Life. So let’s kick this jam off with a “Shiz My Boyfriend Says… Costa Rica Style”. (Click here for allllllllll the “Shiz My Boyfriend Says”‘s.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Costa Rica is full of stray cats and dogs, who despite being most likely riddled with disease, are absolutely adorable. I was definitely the asshole tourist who snuck them food from my plate at basically every restaurant we went to.
Me: Look! The puppy LOVES me!
B: Um, he loves the BACON you are giving him.
Me: Shhhhh. He can tell that it’s love bacon.
B: That’s probably true. Actually, that’s a good idea. You should probably wrap your love for ME in bacon!!!!! I’d love you way more then!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I speak Spanish, and B, well… does not. This was his response every time I answered anything he asked me in Spanish…
B: Where’s the sunblock?
Me: [Insert Spanish here]
B: Don’t you curse at me!!!!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While watching one of the three English channels, a commercial for the Sims comes on.
Me: Oh, I thought this was an awesome new game for Wii… turns out it’s just the Sims. LAME.
B: Seriously, the Sims is bullshit. You have to make them go to the bathroom and stuff! Why on earth do I want to worry about someone ELSE taking a dump. I have to do my own poops every day! Fucking asshole Sims guy. You think I care if that guy poops?! I don’t give a shit! [insert rambling mumblings about poops...]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Laying in bed, he asks me to scratch his back, which I HATE because I can feel the dead skin catching under my nails and it’s freaking gross, man.
B: Pleeeeeease, will you itch my back? Just a little bit!
Me: You know I hate that!
B: Well, this way, if I murder you tonight, you’ll have my skin under your nails! Boo yah!
Me: You’ve used that one before.
B: Have I? … Well, it still rings true. [Seeing my face, sighs...] I probably won’t murder you tonight.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It’s good to be home.
{ 81 comments }
i like making the sims make out and touch each other’s faces. and then POOF! a baby appears! it’s too bad they don’t actually have sex.
Isn’t there a heart-bed you can put a quarter in and watch it rock? It’s PG, but at least it’s bangin’.
You guys are awesome!
Awww. Loves you!
“Don’t curse at me!” Love it!
Instead you should tell him that you are really explaining all the naughty things you’d like to do to him. Welcome home!
Thank you! Work blows but it’s still good to be back.
OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG HAI!!
I didn’t miss you.
At all.
Nope.
Nope.
Hold me.
Haha! Missed you too, lady friend.
SIMS POOP?!?!
Do you have to use your Wii controller and, like, bend over and grab under your knees and press the “B” button (for ‘B’owel Movement) and then pretend to wipe your ass..and if you get a little smudge on your thumb to you have to shake the controller around to try to get it to flick off?
Going to Best Buy now. Sounds AWESOME.
Yeah right. You are not leaving your X-box or your porn today, “sickie”.
I love this series. And in particular, I love the one about the Sims. I agree with him–I don’t need to worry about a fake human being’s bowl movements. I have enough BM problems of my own.
This is what I’m saying. Though it would be funnier if the Sims could potentially have BM “problems” instead of just going…
Stopping this train of thought now.
itd be super awesome to know anotehr language your so does not. that could get very interesting…
costa rica. did you know i hate you?
That’s totally fair.
Oh man. The puppy comment.
He’s right though…bacon does make everything better.
OBVY.
Please tell me you did not PET those mongrels.
Um. There were multiple times we were sitting at dinner and I had a feral cat SNUGGLED in my lap.
I mean, just kidding?
So glad you had a great trip! Though I’m still way jealous of you and your jet-setting
Can’t wait to see pics!!
Me either! We have yet to download them…
muahahahahaha, I’ve missed you Lilu… !!!!! I’ve been MIA as well but beaching under a rock and hybernating etc
Did someone say Bacon? Trust me dear, bacon is the food of Gods and stray dogs. It gives you lots of love and cholesterol too. It may clog your arteries but still, love is love regardless.
Next time he answers with something like that to you after you speak spanish to him tell him:
Chinga tu madre, coño, no busques que te pegue en la cabeza con una pinga de palo.
MUAHAHAHAHAHHA
I’m not even sure what that means… but it can’t be good.
it’s not clogging your arteries…it’s giving your heart an extra special hug
Ugh I can’t imagine how much it must SUCK to be back. Welcome.
The suck is ENORMOUS.
Welcome home!!!!
Thank you!
Hmmmmm, bacon!! xoxo
Right??
Welcome back, you have been missed!
Awww, thanks dear.
“I probably won’t murder you tonight.”
That’s so reassuring.
Axe Murderer would avenge me. I know it.
What is it about the back scratching. My husband always wants me to scratch his, and I am the same way…I don’t want his dead skin under my nails…yuck!
I KNOW. All scratching should be done through a shirt or other acceptably thick material!
Welcome back!
Maybe he was going of r a little give and take on the back scratching thing…he says he PROBABLY won’t murder you…you scratch his itch.
Okay that last bit sounded a little dirtier than I meant it to. But hell, that’s my story and i’m stickin’ to it.
Haha!!! I like your version better.
Is it wrong that when I saw “English channels” I started making little waterway jokes in my head? Wait, don’t answer that. And please don’t tell me you can’t differentiate between love bacon and regular bacon. I’m Jewish and I can tell, so there are really no excuses for your bacon-loving ignorance.
Yes, it’s wrong. If wrong means so, so right.
So glad you’re back. When we were in Jamaica there were little diseased looking cats running around the resort. He fed them also. I guess he’s a sucker for foreign pussy.
ZING!!!!!!!!!!! I am so stealing that!
Dead skin under nails is no excuse. The woman’s primary role is to scratch the man’s back. Everyone knows that.
Not bareback! I need protection.
Welcome home! I majored in Spanish in college and I like to speak it when I’m drunk…unfortunately I’ve never dated a guy who found that amusing.
Drunk Spanglish is the BEST.
aww, i think it’s sweet he promised not to murder you that night. or.. wait. “sweet” maybe isn’t the right word.
Seriously. He’s such a romantic.
You know I’m glad he won’t murder you because I would really miss you.
Welcome back!! (Next time take the Firefly with you to work.)
Or in this case, the Ron Centenario. God bless Duty Free.
Welcome back!!
Thanks!
Welcome back! I really need to travel somewhere where I know the language and V does not. Don’t think that is ever going to happen…
Hmmm. Pig Latin?
Ain’t love grand? Glad you had a good vacay.
: )
Thanks dear!
and it’s good to have you back!!!
Awww. Thanks love!
Sounds like arguments and discussions my husband and I have. I love the spanish one! He gets so frustrated when I start up with ‘ what if all of the sudden I wanted to do this_____. Would you have to divorce me?’ And trust me I have inserted some disgusting things into that blank space…just to see and hear his reaction!
Ooooo. You are giving me ideas…
HILARIOUS!! I am so glad I found your blog. You and your BF seem awesome.
I’M so glad too!!
Dear lawd, first day back at work is the punishment of all punishments. Hang tough woman. And if all else fails, vodka in the water bottle…
If only liquor stores had been open at 6:30am… I probably would have stopped.
Ah…love! Glad you’re back! Mwah!
And…everything is better with BACON! hehe!
So very, VERY true!
the Sims sound like digital babies. you have to make them poop? what happens if they don’t?
at least in real life, i only have to help people poop when they’re too drunk to do it alone. and even then, it’s only words of encouragement and cheering; not actually making it happen.
Seriously, it’s like those commercials for the dolls that wet their pants. WHY, God. WHY?!?
So glad B didn’t murder you on your vacation. Can’t wait to hear all about it and see pics! It’s been boring and lame like always here in reality land. So I’m so glad you are back.
Me too. It was great to get away, but I’m happy to be home. xoxo
True love, much like choking back the urge to kill, is something that must be renewed on a daily basis.
They’re basically the same thing, aren’t they?
yay, welcome back lady! the random mumblings about Sims poops definitely cracked me up. reminds me of what someone said once about if aliens came to earth they’d think dogs ruled the planet since they had someone else pick up their poop all the time. i agree with b, worrying about my own shit is enough!
Right? Nobody needs an extra asshole.
*snarf*
Welcome home girly, can’t wait to see all the pictures!
I got up and close and PERSONAL with a sloth. I can’t wait to see them!
Welcome back ,girlie. Been wondering what you’re up to
ps. Love what B said about The Sims btw. Getting them to go to the bathroom also pissed me off :p
So true. Life is annoying enough taking care of myself!
I am so jelly you guys were on holiday. We move from Minnesota to Seattle and SURPRISE!!! it rains all the time. That being said, every time I make Beau bacon I feel like I am feeding a stray. He is so damn grateful for cured pork.
Sadly, so am I.
Welcome Back! First day back at work is always as harsh slap of reality. Maybe you could claim to have the Costa Rican black lung so you can leave early?
I was thinking pig flu. Or plu, as Brad has dubbed it…
I seriously thought B was going to say something different about bacon. Something along the lines of “Come on over here, and I’ll give YU a little love bacon!”
Ew. Pokey used to do that. He’s Polish. so you can guess which pork product he referenced.
Did he air-hump? Please say yes.
Welcome back!!! =]
Hope you had an amazingg time.
And I feel you on the i just rather die then be back to work thing.
I know, right? Sigh.
You guys crack me up. The Hubs always has me explain what I said in Spanish after I say it. He says it’s to make sure I’m not telling the staff to kill him so I could stay in Cancun forever.
Information that would have been useful TWO DAYS AGO!!!
YAYY glad you’re back…
I love all that shizz that yall say.
As for the Sims, the bathroom thing really annoys me. I played for a few days and it was fine until I ventured out of the house. Kimbernisha (my sim’s name)had to go to the bathroom and we were out at a restaurant and I couldn’t get my sim to call a cab bc all she wanted to do was flirt and woohoo (or whatever sex is called to sims) and Kimbernisha died of having to go to the bathroom.
I never played again…
Kimbernisha? I may have to change Axe Murderer’s name.
There was bacon, Sims, poop, spanish and murder !
Awww.. you had me at bacon
) Missed you so much !!!
Likewise, my dear!
If I could send you booze, I so would. It’s illegal to transport it over Texas state lines, though… Just a random fact FYI.
I LOVE the Shiz My Boyfriend Says blogs. I always laugh at them, no matter what. Glad you could ensure laughter today.
And now, a joke for you, to help the day go by faster:
On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, “My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.” The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.”Oh, oh, aaaahhh,” he exclaims, “My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, “My picture?” He answers, “Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever”.
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, “Why do you wear a robe? We are married now.” At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, “oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture”. He beams and asks why and she answers, “So I can get it enlarged!”
SNARFFFF!!! Hahaha!
Welcome back.
scratch
Haha. Thanks, dear.
I was addicted to the Sims awhile ago, mainly because I liked the interior decorating aspect of it, plus you can make your Sims a raging philanderer or violent drunk and watch the inevitable fallout. LOL.
But then we got HBO and the Sims took a backseat.
Oh, HBO… how I love thee.
“I probably won’t murder you tonight”
How reassuring, huh???
He is a jokester, that one.
Haha! I love the whole bacon love thing….
I love how random these things are. Lol Totally reminds me of one of my friends and myself!
“Random” is our relationship’s middle name.
WELCOME BACK!!! You have been missed… reality sucks hey?!
Welcome back lovely lady!
I LOVE the scratching the back one… I too, HATE doing that so I totally get it
Yes! Vindicated!
Welcome back — the scheduled posts are like the Coke Zero of blog posts, you convince yourself it’s every bit as good as the real thing, but then you have the sugar and it’s ohhhhh…
Anyway. I hope you will be wrapping your “love” in bacon for him now!
Awww. Thanks hon!
I love his response of “don’t curse at me”. I may now add it to my only stock answer when someone asks me where something is or goes and I always respond with “up your butt”.
Yeah, I’m still waiting to grow up. I figure when I hit 90, I’ll finally be a mature 37 year old.
One day it IS going to be up someone’s butt, and you will finally be RIGHT, and it will be glorious!
I have a soft spot for those scraggly dogs too. In Mexico I fed a steak dinner to one. He probably got a gut ache. And what is B’s obsession with pooping?
Welcome back!
Thank you, darlin! And you know the high regard we holding pooping in at my place.
Oh my god, jobs are for the birds. Totally lame. But YAY you’re back! Can’t wait to hear stories and see pics. I’m also going to pick your brain about Costa Rica travel because we’ve been thinking about going there for awhile now, so I want to talk to someone who knows all the dirty details.
You have to! It’s absolutely gorgeous there.
Glad I’m not the only one who’s man candy threatens to murder her. ah ha
Must be a dude thing…
*clutches chest in raucous agony*
I’m confused.
lol.. hope he never learns to speak Spanish?
I’m fairly sure that’s a safe bet.
I hate scratching my husband’s back for the EXACT same reason. *gags*
I probably won’t murder you tonight. Hilarious. I wish I was this entertained by my marital antics.
“Antics” is SO the right word for it.
Welcome back/sorry (for you) you’re back! And running around speaking English at twice normal volume and expecting non-English speaking people to understand you makes someone an asshole. Feeding stray animals? Makes you a kind person.
Well, okay. But I probably didn’t have to pull the feral cats onto my lap and snuggle them.
probably. but not for certain.
and i get the back scratching thing. i always make my boy keep the shirt on because i can’t handle it.
It’s just not okay. At all.
That last one is SO true! I have a friend who is a Federal Probation Agent. Every time I’m in her car, if I scratch or pull a hair or something, she’ll say, “GREAT! I’ve got your DNA so when I kill that guy….” Just sayin’.
Stupid evil geniuses in our lives!
Welcome back! I was going to make a labored reference to the bartenders and retailers in the city missing you, but I thought better of it.
The sentiment is noted nonetheless, my dear.
ahhh, how much i love your shiz by bf says!
welcome home!!!
haha LOVE shiz your B says!!
OMG — The Sims comment about pooping and how gross dead skin under fingernails is was awesome! (my BF likes me to do that, and it IS Uber Gross)
I’m laughing because I always ask the BF to itch my back or give me a massage.
Yeah, he never really does it. Idiot.
(…..I should’ve said they WERE awesome…hate when my grammar gets all wacky)
Very good observation on The Sims, now if you excuse me I have to go make sure my Sim has a better life than me.
Anything wrapped in bacon is better. Smart man.
ALSO? I cried myself to sleep every night you were gone.
I just told Murray and Axe Murderer about bacon wrapped love. They’re game too.
Glad you’re back, sunshine!
i’m with B on the Sims. the tedium of pooping, working, and paying bills is horseshit. that’s why i’m so addicted to yoville. pop some angel food cake in the oven and go spend all your money on clothes and decorating your house. my kinda game.
Bacon, hm…
Umm, I don’t get why weird ass people like you and like my boyfriend, think getting skin up under the nails is something weird or gross, or something you can feel. I can’t feel that. Maybe I’m devoid of feeling.
But, I’m using that line on my boyfriend next time I ask him to scratch my back for me, so thank you boyfriend.
~Jenn (Ex Hot Girl)
It’s always absolutely good to know which nights your boyfriend won’t murder you on.
I freakin’ love these! I can’t decide if I like these are the tmi’s better. It’s a tie. His Sims rant is classic!
…I don’t feel bad for you at all that you’re at work. =P
P.S. Everything is better wrapped in bacon. EVERYTHING!
Hahahaha….OMFG!!! I love the “Well if I murder you tonight, you have my skin under your nails. Boo-ya”
OMG…I’m still laughing. That’s classic. That reminds me of the movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall when Jason Segel sees Kristin Bell for the first time in Hawaii and she’s like “Peter, what are you doing here?” and he’s like “I came here to murder you.” and follows up with an awkward laugh.
I HATE scratching my bf’s back too!!!
I am TOTALLy right there with you!!!
He yells at me that I’m “weird”. I am totally showing him this blog.
omg thanks, now EVERYTHING Hubby asks me to scratch his back I will be thinking of dead tissue piling up under my nails *shudder*
{ 2 trackbacks }