You all know this game by now. Time for another installment of “The Shiz My Boyfriend Says”! (Click link for past “Shizzes”.) (Duh.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Last night, watching Intervention, on which Jeff is far and away the most awesome Intervention-er of all…
Me: Baby, if I ever get addicted to meth or crack, I want you to DEMAND Jeff for my Intervention.
B: Obviously I’d get you Jeff! What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On the couch…
Me: *half sneeze*
B: [Accusingly] Why did you abort your sneeze??
Me: I didn’t! It aborted itself. It was a sneeze miscarriage.
B: Sneeze abortion! Sneeze abortion!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Last week, when I got all period-y and perhaps a *little* crazy in the cabeza…
Me: I’m sorry. I hate being a girl sometimes.
B: It’s okay.
Me: Well, yeah. ‘Cause sometimes, you’re a dick.
B: And sometimes, you’re an ovary! See what I did there??
Me: ………………….
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In our building’s elevator, I notice the “moving pads” are falling off the walls.
Me: This place is falling apart. (Sigh) Oh, well… not our problem.
B: That’s RIGHT you do!
Me: What?
B: You said you gotta problem.
Me: No… I said not OUR problem. As in, we’re in this together.
B: That’s what you think. I just farted in the elevator. (Doubles over laughing at my facial expression) Haha! I did it again!
Me: Gah! I can’t believe you just made me walk through your fart cloud!
B: Air poop, more like.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you get air-pooped on today? No? Then you’re doing better than me, my friend.
Happy Monday!
{ 91 comments }
oh, dear.
Have I ever mentioned how similar your boyfriend and my son are?
OH god – I always do with my husband. Ugh.
As someone who has a serial farter as a boyfriend, I feel your air poop pain.
I had a very weird dream about you and B last night. It was weird because I’ve never really met either of you. And because it was long and very detailed. (TWSS) (?)
Anyweird, I’ll have to send you the transcripts sometime. It will blow your mind. And then you’ll get a restaining order.
you can have jeff vanvonderon and i get ken seeley! season premiere tonight like woa!
“Sneeze abortion.” Classic. Absolutely.
You’d want Jeff for your Intervention?
Really?
I’d want Candy, the lady who looks like an old suitcase.
Just so I could walk up to her and stick my finger in one of her face crevices..maybe see how deep they went and if any illegal immigrants are hiding out in there.
Maybe play with her jowls or something.
All you can do with Jeff is maybe rub his head or some shit.
Sometimes you don’t think.
Fart clouds, sneeze abortions, remind me not to visit ok?
My fart clouds are like the force, keeping the bad things away from me.
Air poop, nicee. lol
Jeff had a relapse, recently. My drug of choice would be cocaine. That’s what happen when you work in the substance abuse field. You have these kinds of conversations with your coworkers.
“See what I did there?” Your boyfriend is double awesome.
I hope you don’t mind I tell Matt he can also be such an ovary sometimes.
You should carry around a mini bottle of fabreeze with you in case there are anymore air poops. Just to be on the safe side and all.
Your an ovary! LMAO! I’m not even an ovary….sigh
Hoarders>intervention
It’s like I just got to watch my favorite show, “The B and LiLu Comedy Hour”, or something like that….
oh my freaking god!!! LOL for all of those!!!!!! haha!!
love.
You know the slight hissing sound that a liter of soda makes when you first open it. I told Kristian that’s what my farts sound like. So now everytime we open a bottle of soda we can’t help but laugh.
For a decade and a half I lived with Mr. FartyPants. He routinely cleared rooms. I’m sorry you are living in the cloud of air poops. Between B & the kitties, you must have quite the cloud in your apartment some days!
I woke up with an air poop sandwich in my mouth. And air poop is my new favorite term, EVA. Oh, and Jeff mos def. He’d also be the coolest dad in the world.
Your boyfriend and my boyfriend would get along fantastically.
“B: And sometimes, you’re an ovary! See what I did there??”
LOL. Cute.
The few times I’ve watched Intervention, I just sit and laugh. I would have been SOOOOO pissed if anyone had ever done that to me. And I’d have kept drinking just to spite them.
And B farts in bed and then wafts the sheets, doesn’t he?
OMG! Air poop! That is awesome! lol!
I beg you to film every moment of your entire wedding so we can all be a part of it. I feel like there will be some funny stuff I can’t bear to miss!
There must not be a dull day in your life hey?!
I am dying… I needed that this morning!
Any time I’m with The Mister I get airpooped.
For the past two days I’ve suffered through The Husband’s microscopic fecal matter. I’m pretty sure there’s racing stripes in his underoos.
Farts shall henceforth be known as air poop.
Yeah Jeff fell off th wagon and was drinking…so he’s taking a break and not doing interventions for awhile – they had a special where they revisited some of the people from the show and he announced it there. Personally I too would want Ken Seeley – recovering Meth addict.
So I would think that you would have had to call him a testicle for the analagous term for you to be an ovary. B totally should have called you a vulva or a vagina. Tell him to get it right.
Man, Ken is the best interventionist! I love that guy!
I hope you fart bomb him back next time you’re in the elevator…
Very funny as always!! Your bf and mine have to meet, they sound like fart twins.
too too funny! and i know this is horribly wrong but what *is* it about abortion and miscarriage being used out of context that is so amusing?
You do realize some of the shiz he says is cuz you are great at feeding him lines.. Laurel and Hardy for the younger generation..
Jeff VanVonderen is my hero. I kind of want to do a large amount of meth just for the chance to meet him (and think of all of the things I’d get done in the meantime without needing to do pesky things like sleep).
I’m going to have to disagree with you on this one. How can you not love the adorableness that is Ken Heeley, aka the best interventionist by far? His little lispy speech is just so cute. I have an A&E crush on him.
LMAO @ sneeze abortion & air poop. I feel your pain on the fart cloud though…seriously, between my dog, my kid and my very gassy husband, I feel like I LIVE in a fart cloud.
What is it with dudes and their ability to fart us out in cars, elevators, and other TINY spaces?
Hey, if you couldn’t support that sneeze the way it needed maybe it was for the best… I mean, I don’t hear him looking to adopt your sneeze.
You guys totally need a reality show. I would so watch it!
Deliberate elevator farting is just evil. Tell him so.
Jeff>Candy>Ken, is how I see it.
Or if you’re a runner….
Jeff>Candy=Ken, cause Ken can keep a cool head like nobody’s business.
Everyone in our house was gassy from Thanksgiving so there were air poops all over the place. Gag.
hahaha-air poop-LOVE IT
Fortunately, I did not get ‘air pooped’ today, which is now my new favorite phrase, btw!
But, I did get a lovely text from my betrothed as he was driving home from his 24 hour shift at the firehouse. It was a detailed description of the putrid stink he was leaving in my car with his sweaty feet. So sweet.
I am now afraid to enter my car. There are actually scent lines wafting from it. Swear to God.
I feel your pain. Trust me.
And Jeff is so the best interventionist! Love him.
“You’re an ovary . . .”
Officially one of the weirdest insults I’ve ever heard . . .
I think I get “air pooped” on a daily basis by the husband… Yet somehow I am still not used to it.
I hate being a girl sometimes too, it’s no fair!
i’m horrified to admit it, but i know, one of these days, some one is gonna poop the air so hard there’s moisture in the air. that’s right. i believe the next step in air-pooping is diarrhetic cropdusting.
i’m still in the honeymoon stage w/my boyfriend where he doesn’t fart on me, but he DID openly bring a magazine into the bathroom with him yesterday (and set me up with an episode of HIMYM on his computer to distract me). i’m hoping we stay here for a while before moving on to airpoops.
He’s the best. Do you know that?
Jeff FTMFW!!!
I kinda just want to talk to him about my life sometimes, you know. Get that tough love. I have daddy issues.
Ah, the air poop. The ultimate display of affection.
How old is your boyfriend again?
I’m pretty sure farts are *always* funny. Especially sneak attacks. Or, at least, they’re funny for one person…
Okay I am now going to start watching Intervention. And sadly, I am the farter in the relationship. Crap! Maybe I should have saved that for the picture TMI.
these were particularly good today! need a good laugh on this spectacular monday after the holiday weekend.
Would it be wrong to get Jeff to sign your boob mid intervention?
EWWW He crop-dusted yo ass!!! And in the elevator no less? I like B’s style!
Ha, Air Poop. The Hubs thinks that is a recreation. He Air Pooped many times in the elevator while we were on vacation. He’s all :air poop: “check out the expression on the other people when we pick them up”. While I try to search for clean air.
dude, I live with a boy and 2 puppies – my whole life is one giant air poop
I dunno, I LIKE Jeff, but I have a big crush on Ken Seely.
Air poop! That’s a new one! I like it! I haven’t seen Intervention in a while. I’ve got to look into that. Is my DVR missing it!?!?! I will be mega pissed!
Sneeze miscarriage! It can’t get better than that!
i have to respectfully disagree – i would need ken seeley to do my intervention.
He’s a keeper! BWAHAHAHA!
I say that about mine too, but then, who else would put up with the awesomeness that is moi?
hahahahah i woke up in a dutch oven this morning so we are having the same kind of day!
haha well last night i had a dream i was kidnapped by the nigerians but don’t worry i hitchhiked my way to safety.
if i ever got candy or ken as my interventionists, i’d stick the needle back in right there.
i demand jeff, too. glad others feel the same way….for our non-existent drug addictions…
haha you guys crack me up every time.
Pregnant taco farts just may top poopy air farts…. TMI?
sometimes you’re an ovary.
a sentence i never ever thought i would read.
also, i’m very impressed you know how to count in roman numerals that high.
Hard of hearing or selective hearing + fart clouds…sounds like B and my S are cut from the same cloth. Lucky, lucky us
I swear, I read stuff here every week that makes me laugh. You guys put words together like no one else!
flush! flush! flush! i hate sneezes. i would totally abort all their mothers.
Jeff Von Vondren (spelling?), the gun slinger. No one can out interventionalize him… though Candy Finnigan does give him a run for the money.
Holy crap…I’m so jealous I didn’t think of the terms ‘sneeze miscarriage’ and ‘sneeze abortion’ first!
I’m sure you’ve heard this before, but Nick & Jessica and all those other reality couple shows have NOTHING on what you guys could do.
No,shiz-you are an ovary???LOL I’d so steal the shiz my boyfriend says from except that I’m too lazy to document them!LOL-air pooped!
I love you two.
Air pooped??? Please explain!
You two are hilarious together
Air poop! lol
This cracked me up haha
“Air Poop.” Amazing.
My sister and I may or may not have put a tutu and tiara on my son cuz we thought it was funny. See, anyone can become a parent. Ah ha ha
This is why I adore you.
You guys amuse me with the things you come up with. Lol
LMFAO!!! Air poop! Bwaaaahahaahahaaahahahahahaaa!!!!!
Air poop, def. can’t say I heard that term used before..damn I wish you guys had a tv show!
“a sneeze miscarriage”
that CRACKED me UP!
I get air pooped on a daily basis. Oh, men.