You know how when people go on fabulous vacations to sunny and exotic places, and they come back and they’re all “it was a-maz-ing and so gor-geous and I’m all tan and glow-y from the rays of the sun!”
And it’s really freaking annoying because everyone else has just been doing the same ‘ol, sittin at their desk, looking at that freaking motivational poster of a cat “hanging in there”, and kind of wish the cat was hanging ITSELF because at least then you could laugh about something- I mean, not that hanging kittens are funny, but hey, it WANTED to go, and it’s really much more fitting with the office atmosphere?
Or something.
Anyhoo, I’ve decided that instead of a JOYful CHEERful OHEMGEE look what I did while you were toiling away at your desk jobs! post, I’m going to take a slightly different direction with it, and tell you all about every last thing that went terribly, horribly wrong.
You see how I love you?
Let’s do this.
- Thursday, we arrived in Costa Rica at midnight, and grabbed a taxi to a hotel nearby… only to find that it didn’t exist. Our driver took us to the exact address… and it was a cemetary. $75 dollars down the drain later, we gave up and stayed at the stupid Hilton.
- We bussed up it to Arenal Volcano and hot springs the next day, where we hiked up an enormous and treacherous mountain to NOT see lava at dusk… and then hiked back down in pitch black darkness. Believe me when I tell you it’s a miracle no one lost a limb.
- While lying in said hot springs, I slowly realized the jacuzzi-esque water felt like it was scalding me… which turned out to be a side effect of the INCREDIBLE sunburn I had already obtained on our FIRST day that covered 75% of my front. Somehow, my knees were 8 shades pinker than anything else. ??????
Finally, we made it to the beach, where we planned to stay for a week of glorious sunshine. Surely things would be relaxing and easy here on out, right?
By mid-week, I had the following afflictions…
- A NEW sunburn, this time on my entire back side
- Approximately 53 gigantic bug bites covering my legs and arms, that were about 1,000 times itchier than your average bite, and therefore I was constantly scratching them open because the PAIN FELT BETTER
- A “sun rash” of tiny red dots on my arms and neck
- The beginnings of a very unsexy cold. At the beach. In 85 degree weather. AT THE BEACH.
At least one day when we were body surfing, I took a quart of sea water up my nose, which pretty much cleared my sinuses out.
It rained our last two days at the beach, and after a zillion hours of traveling, we finally caught a cab home at Reagan, only to discover the driver had just let out the world’s stankiest, rankiest assplosion of a fart. It smelled like the farts of someone who’d used an entire bottle of Sex Panther. He should’ve knock 2 bucks off the rate for that shiz. BUT, we got to home sweet home in one piece.
So, yeah… all in all?
It absolutely couldn’t have been any better, and I would do it all again in a heartbeat.
I have approximately a kajillion pictures… this is pared down from almost 500. So I apologize, but have at it, hoss…
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| Costa Effin Rica |
Update: I just realized you guys can COMMENT on the pictures. Dum dum dum……
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Another downside:
You obviously forgot to pack your knee pads.
Right. Sunburn on your knees. Sure.
Then explain why B can’t stop smiling.
I’m not touching that one.
At least you apologized for the pictures that we shall not speak of.
I’m good like that.
Holler. I’m booked to hit up Cuba in March.
I will also be a mess of heat rash and sun burn.
I’ve always wanted to go. Someday…
LMFAO! The Cemetery part is hysterical….I love the great stories that come out of things going wrong.
It would have been funny if it wasn’t 2am our time…
I don’t understand why people go LOOKING for heat. I’m going on an alaskan cruize. When I can afford an actual vacation. In 30 years when I’m 60 and no longer like the cold.
Damnit!
I like both. But I will be pulling for a snow bunny vaca after this one.
So jealous. I did a week of “surf camp ” in Costa Rica with a bunch of girlfriends. Read: 7 days of excess drinking and debauchery, with a sprinkling of surfing thrown in. I may have missed my flight home. Twice. It was amazing. Ahh, sometimes I really miss my 20′s!
Oh, HOW I wish we “missed” our flight home…
Oof, sunburn on the knees is pretty bad. I think the worst, though, is the back of the knees. Hope you got a whole lot of aloe.
Yeah, I rocked the back of the knees a few days later. Sigh.
You know how there’s some people where “stuff” always seems to happen to them? I think two of those people are you and B. Right?
Also, OUCH. Sunburns are PAINFUL.
Both statements are so, so true.
The captions on your pix just made my morning.
Sunburns SUCK…sorry love. <3
It’s all better now! And even a little tan…
The Sun and I don’t get along well. This is why we argue when it comes time to plan a vacation. I want mountains, cold weather, and snow; she wants beaches, warm weather, and fruity drinks. We compromise and usually take a cruise.
That IS a perfect compromise. I’ve never been much of a cruise girl myself, though… I love the sand and the waves too much.
a co worker kept coming over to talk to me but farting the whole day and she’d be like “oh I farted excuse me. I dont know whats wrong with me today” Even though she farts like that every damn day and they smell like she drank an entire bottle of sex panther with her bowl of sewer rat and garbage chilli!
Sewer rate and garbage chili? I am SO stealing that!
ahhhh i know the inexplicable sunburns – and the heat rash bumps! sexy! – so well. and yet i go to the caribbean all the time ANYWAY, because… well, duh. CARIBBEAN.
TRUE STORY.
Love the pics. Thanks for sharing! I look just like that after a week in the sun.
Good to know I’m not alone.
Now THIS is a recap. Now I’m only 99% jealous of your trip rather than the full 100%.
See? I am a giver.
Love the Pictures!!! Looks like you guys had a blast and I’m insanely jealous right now. It wouldn’t be a solid va-ca without a few disaster stories.. But I still can’t believe yall ended up at a cemetary!
ME EITHER. Just our luck.
Looks like a very fun trip. Sorry about the bug bites/sunburn!
Thanks dear!
being a pasty sort of guy, I burn in about 35 seconds when I expose my normally covered parts to sun. It just never goes well at the beach for me.
From one pasty to another, believe me, I hear you.
You commented about two cab rides. Is there any cab ride, ever, that doesn’t have some sort of story to go with it? I think not!
Lovely pics sweetie!!! Glad you’re back though!
I don’t mind the story, it’s the SMELL I object to.
2 things. 1) I want your skin. You’re gorgeous without makeup. I would never ever post pics of me without it. And 2) I want B’s eyelashes. Jealous!
Awww, thank you! I thought I looked a mess.
And SO DO I!
got my first burn a few years ago. til then? didn’t even know black people could get sunburned. true idiocy. so it was awesome. because i was wearing a wife-beater when i got burned, so that left a great set of lines. at least i was keeping my street cred high even while in Cape Cod, though.
PICTURES TO PROVE IT.
Awww, I just watched ALL your pics ! I loved it
) and your comments, totally hilarious !
Except now you’re kinda making me NOT wanna go to CR .. the bug bites, the sunburn ..urgh annoying. I get extreme reactions to bug bites .. and I’m pretty sure my skin is paler than yours .. so uhm .. maybe I’ll cross CR off my list. haha, who am I kidding.. I still wanna see the rain forest !!
Trust me… it’s worth it.
This sounds like all the bad stuff that happened on my trip to Cozumel two years ago with my boyfriend. Isn’t traveling fun?!
Oh, just a BLAST.
WOW! I am so jealous. I need a vacation.
I read the whole series on my Turks and Caicos vacation and they were amazing. It was something about double shot pina coladas and sookie that made the vacation FABULOUS!
You look like you had a good time, Welcome Back *insert evil laugh here*
They were SO GOOD. I only read 1-8… I gotta find 9!
Penny Lane Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
9 is in hard cover!
I think I’ll go to Disneyland.
Oh, no. I’ll take stray dogs over children ANY DAY.
but.. so glad ya’ll had a rockin’ trip!!
That we did! Thanks hon.
Thanks for this…because I was sitting at my desk plotting your untimely death if you went on about all the tan, glowy, sexy time, awesomeness to be had in Costa Rica.
Or my untimely death. Something.
See, I know these things. I was prepared.
very very nice of you to share. thx muchly.
But of course!
I’m totally looking at the pictures this afternoon when I’m feeling all “It’s stupid winter” and shit. And I’m so happy you had a good time. That’s awesome! Who cares about bug bites and sunburns? You WENT OUT OF THE COUNTRY ON VACATION!
Amen to that!
Totally sounds like my kind of vacation. I burn in the winter from sun, if I don’t apply SPF 100 every 14 minutes, I’m screwed, that shit is like elmers glue. And bugs? those f’ers love to feast on me, I must be tasty!
But I’m glad you still enjoyed it and would do it again, glad to have you back!!! <3
It’s good to be home.
Rash, sunburn and bug bites. Sounds like a typical vacation to me!
Right??
im so jealous! (and not just of the feral cats and other cutesy animals!)
looks like you had a blast!
Thanks love!
An oceanic Neti potting. Outstanding. I’m headed to the pictures. It’s good to have you back, Punkin.
You should’ve heard the “snarf” noises. Hilarious, for anyone who wasn’t me.
dude…
you went to costa rica and ate..nachos? you are so white.
(clearly)
out of the bajil photos (captions: major hilarious) my favorite has to be the “don’t mess” crab. i have to say you have a gift for telling a story with endless photos.
btw…i thought you looked gorgeous (and giving a positive example of how pale chicks get down in tropical climates) oh, and b’s got some damn purdy eyes.
welcome home love
Que? Nachos are Central American. But I forgive you because you called me gorgeous. Thanks!
Lilu, thank you. Now I’ll be happy for you and the great time you had and you are not telling us about (yet)
Hahaha. Thanks love!
If that’s B’s satisfied look after killing a cockroach…I wonder what it looks like after you’ve roached the cock. Actually I don’t wonder at all…I just wanted to see if that sentance made any sense before I’ve had coffee.
P.S. I clicked through every single picture and I adore the sloth photos and how you become progressively pinker. Looks like a fab trip!
“Progressively pinker”… SO TRUE!!!
Hahaha! Wow, a cemetary?!! I would have shit a brick! Even more so if the taxi driver actually told me that it WAS indeed a hotel and pushed me out of the cab…
…and that’s where my mind roams. Point A to Point N(sane).
Aww, welcome home. And thank you for the post, seriously, if I was hear reading about what an amazing time you had and everything was perfectly gorgeous I would kick you. Serious.
i heart your photo captions. mine are very lame-along the lines of “me” ,”me with beer” ,”see me drink beer”, “see beer disappear” maybe i could pay you to write some clever, funny ones for me?
aww i hope your speckles/burns have faded! and (because im a crazy stalker) that you enjoyed the Sookie Stackhouse books! #4 is my favorite, finally getting it on with the big E! *fanning self* so hott.
This post is hilarious! I embarrassingly couldn’t stop laughing in my office. Somehow stupid and ridiculous chains of events like this seem to come my way FAR too often. Thanks for the laugh!!
Sounds like the only thing that would have made the trip better is a case of painfully explosive diarrhea. ¡Viva Costa Rica!
Jeez! Even vacation strays are cuter than our domestic strays.
Were your cats pissed at you when you got home?
Why is it that sunburns always happen on the 1st day and wreck havoc on you for the rest of the trip. Therefore you are in this great location and trying to have the time of your effin life and your whole skin feels like death. That happened to me in Hawaii. We rented a motorcycle on our 1st day and toured the island only to get off it 4 hours later and I had the weirdest and worst burn ever. Imagine where you would be burnt while sitting on a motorcycle. (tops of thighs, backs of shins, shoulders, lower arms = very interesting look)
And the cabbie fart? Hilarious, yet disgusting.
I will now browse through your photos!
Fabulous pictures! How did the little kitties survive without you?
ha, absolutely fantastic and i am a new reader of your blog and loving it!!
My mother used to tell me that my knees got sunburned “because they are closer to the sun.” Huh? Doesn’t that mean we would be singed to charcoal if we were just a few feet off the ground? It’s amazing how long I bought this… and I caught myself saying it to one of my daughters this summer. I hope your trip wasn’t all bad! But thanks for not shoving your beautiful glowing self down our throats.
I want to know how it’s possible to obtain such a ferocious sunburn in less then 24 hours.
Nothing like the real fun of a trip, the things that people never get to hear (other than the romantic ones).
And what about the monkeyes hurling dried feces at you? Where were they this time?
I’m glad you had fun!!!!!
I think my knees are the only thing on my body that does tan.. whats up with that.
I saw the pictures and loved them (see twitterer LauraBlue58) I commented on some but not sure if they showed up. (lulugardener)
Taxi cabs omg some day i should do a post just on them.
I also love vacation stories where everything goes wrong!! And this sounds like my kind of trip: bug bites, sunburn, a cold… you didn’t mention the terror that would accompany a hike down a mountain in the pitch blackness but that would have given me some kind of PTSD I’m sure. Glad you’re back & thx for sharing your trip! For the record? We <3 u2.
I always gain 20 lbs on vacation. I also tend to suffer acne (in my late thirties – it’s a cruel world) from climate changes. So I never look all tan and gorgeous when I get back. But I do have fun while I’m there…
$75 for a cab in Costa Rica?
How long were you guys driving for?!?
You deserve the Hilton after that…
The mosquitos are a damn bitch, that’s for sure. But, oh the rum and the sun and the people and the bartenders! You nearly forget about the bugs. Nearly.
It looks fantastic! I love looking at the entire set, because you can see the progressive relaxation. Well done!
Also, the picture by the lagoon is great– you guys look like someone said “okay, this is the picture for the parents.”
But did you have fun???
Your hotel seriously wasn’t there?
What happened? Omgggg…..
even with all the unfortunate-ness (and what getaway doesn’t have that?!) i’m still ridiculously jealous as i sit here at my desk freezing to death (my newsroom is cold enough for penguins). but i’m glad you had a wonderful time!!
What a cool vacation anyway!!! lol Glad you are back in one peace my dear.
I’ve heard that Costa Rican cemeteries have very nice accommodations. You could have at least tried it out. Snob.
UGH! I need a vacation! I’m even jealous of your sunburn!
I just went through all your vacay pictures. I must love you. And now I want tacos and beer and a spanish sounding ciggys!
i’m convinced that bugs from mexico and anywhere else in south america bite more than any other bugs and itch more than any other bites. however i’ve also realized that despite everything that goes wrong on trips you never want to change anything because it makes for great stories…or blog posts
lolness. i hate it when i start to get heat rash. on the bikini line. i dont get tan at all. i get burn. it hurts.
but what is beauty without pain, no?
That’s why nobody’s heard anything from Scott Baio in ages.
You so crack me up.. Wait, wtf, happened with the hotel? did you ever find it?
I have to say, I’m liking the new direction you’ve taken here. It does make me feel better that I wasn’t on vacation and stuck inside.
So sorry about the sunburn! They suck ass. I got a horrible one in Cancun and I had to stay in the hotel because I couldn’t even wear clothes – it hurt that bad! All your pics had clothes so hopefully it didn’t totally ruin your days.
Do you think that cab drivers fart nasty on purpose just to get their kicks? Was he checking in the mirror to see if you were in total gag mode? How was his driving? The drivers in Cancun were SCARY! I just about shit my pants with every turn!
I know I love you for SURE NOW because you refused to be lame and gush about your trip…instead you were funny.
YES.
I was so sick on our honeymoon in MAUI. I feel ya…at least there is no better place to be sick right??
Did you ever find the hotel that didn’t exist or did you just stay at the Hilton the whole time.
One question: Did you have drinks with umbrellas in it?
Sunburn AND bug bites. Yeah, I would say that officially sucked.
i feel like a dumbass for reading this and still being jealous. i’d take a bug bite and sunburned knees over going to work. desperation…..
Hahaha.
Welcome home.
Sounds like a holiday to remember at least…
(The volcano thing sounds really cool, if a little scary/anticlimactic.)
I particularly enjoyed the man candy’s oh so serious I’m smokin’ a stog shot! Looks like you had a killer times minus the burn and bites!
great pics…looks like alot of fun…I hope you didn’t bring any bugs home with you….I’m sure it was a great experience for the both of you.
I do not even want to think about those bug bites. That’s why I don’t go outside.
So glad you’re back. Never leave me again.
Were you by chance at Las Cruces Botanical Garden while you were there? Some of those scenes look very familiar ….
I had like 100 proof sunblock when I went to El Salvador and I am bringing it to CR in December. I am perusing your pictures next!
It sounds like a totally fun time
you know, besides the sunburn and the nonexistent hotel! : )
I hate hate hate sunburn rash. As a fair person who never has had a tan, I have had plenty of sunburns and the accompanying rash! Glad you had a good time!
Grt to be back….rocking post this!Chk out d one on my blog.
http://www.deepteshpoetry.blogspot.com
This totally sounds like every vacation I’ve ever had. On one hand it’s very nice and relaxing then someone get’s malaria.
Lilu,
So jealous!
Why is it when your boyfriend takes you to Costa Rica, you get to lay around on the beach but when my boyfriend takes me I end up on a three day death march in Corcovado?
For the bugs: It’s called 100% DEET. (And don’t wear nailpolish, inhale too closely, or let it leak on plastic…)
Best Wishes,
Jess
P.S. It’s not like real lava anyways. It sorta falls out in chunks and breaks down into smaller chunks along the way.
Sounds glorious!! Especially the sinus cleansing.
You consistently write such honest posts. That is so hard to do. I just wanted to wish you and your family a happy Thanksgiving. Take care.
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