Last Friday, I had the grave misfortune of attending… dum dum dum… a “Work and Time Management” seminar. You see, I work at one of those huge, incredibly bureaucratic companies where, come Annual Review time, you’d better have some concrete thingamabobs to put on that form that represent trying to better oneself.
I know, I know. Total BS. But whatevs, mama needs a raise. So I’m playing the game, see?
The seminar was from 9 to 5, aka alllllllllllllllllllllllllll goddamn day. So I knew going in it would either be a great thing (i.e. an easy day off work), or complete and utter torture.
I grabbed a coffee and a seat with a few ladies I recognized from my department. I immediately noticed the four “drawing boards” strategically placed at the corners of the room, just screaming “WE ENCOURAGE ACTIVE PARICIPATION!!!”
And the sense of dread set in.
Sure enough, at 9 sharp, a rotund woman in a pants suit that did nothing for her gathered herself at the front of the room, and clapped her hands together sharply.
“Goooooooooood morning!!!”
It was all I could do not to shout “VIETNAM!” at the top of my lungs. The room gave her a half-hearted, “I haven’t had my coffee yet” bedraggled response.
I already knew what was coming.
“I know it’s morning, but you can do better than that!!! It’s FRIIIIIIIIIIday!”
Seriously, lady? SERIOUSLY? That line hasn’t been funny for the past two decades… and I’m willing to bet, neither have you.
She spent the rest of the day giggling at us like Mrs. Butterworth on happy pills while choking on corporate buzzword after buzzword.
“Urgency versus importance!” “Stressful work environments!” “Time management tips & tricks!”
At 10:40, I finally managed to escape long enough to tweet my despair…
“In a seminar w/ teacher Mary Fucking Sunshine. I honestly do not get how one can be so full of PEP and GLEE and STEREOTYPICAL CATCH PHRASES.”
I was just waiting for her to refer to us as her “special people”, a la Billy Madison.
But the most annoying part of it all? It actually wasn’t her. It was the dumbass robots around me who bought every last bit of it, hook line and sinker. The sympathetic nods as people sob-storied about working til 9pm, eating lunch at their desks, even having insomnia from getting up at 3am to handle correspondence with our Asia and Pacific branch.
Um… WHAT? Why??? We’re all assistants. I know what you get paid. Why on earth would you do that to yourself in a dead end job? Didn’t anyone ever teach you to keep the bar low??
After a couple hours of talking about our feeeeeelings, Mary pulls out her handy dandy self-developed “Time Management Matrix” tool, outlining the four categories ‘tasks’ should be labeled as in order to identify their priority in our “work plans”. Whatever, right? Let’s just get this over wi-
And then someone actually tried to ARGUE with Mary that the categories were wrong.
<Insert world’s biggest, huffiest sigh of agitated disbelief here.>
Do you really think the lady who MADE THIS UP is going to say, “Oh hey, glorified secretary, you’re right! I’ve been going about this wrong for 15 years! How silly of me to have been teaching this all over the world!”
It’s a good thing there weren’t any sharp objects in that room. I think I would have been the first person to off another human being with a stapler.
OOOOOOOooooo. I just got the email to complete my evaluation of said course…
This? Should be fun.
*evil cackle*
{ 108 comments }
Remember the days when you couldn’t Tweet your dispair?
Back then you just had to sit there and silently plot the death and dismemberment of all the people in your class or picture what it would be like to eat everyone naked?
Maybe that’s just me.
Is human white or dark meat? Hmmmmm.
Glorified secretaries are getting the shaft this week.
That was for you, lover.
*meh* I used to have the cubicle next to Dilbert
I saw at Dilbert out at Halloween! He put a wire in his tie. GENIUS.
I. HATE. those seminars.
Thankfully, I’m finally employed in a similar position at an institution that does not make me suffer in such awful ways. But I’ve been there – my last job made us do that shit all the time. The fact that people bought into it kind of makes me fear for humanity a little bit.
Or a lot bit, even.
Yes, I saw your tweet. And I silently prayed for your sanity.
And see? You survived! XD
BARELY.
OK, rule number one for these things is you never attend alone. You ALWAYS make sure you force some equally jaded and/or sarcastic work buddy to attend with you. It’s the only way to survive.
And why weren’t you participating? You should have been using this time to exercise your creative muscles by making up complete BS personal stories and kissing the presenter’s butt.
That’s the other problem with the new job- I have no work husband now! Left him at the old one… sigh.
wasn’t a total waste of time…it gave you something to blog about..lol
True… but it wasn’t worth it.
It’s times like these that I am thankful I work for nickels at the local school. I totally don’t have to listen to shit like this.
btw, thanks for the birthday wishes. You’re a peach!
You ahr! Hope it was grand.
Ugh HATE professional development! Teacher PD is bad too because teachers can be the corniest, most ridiculous people on the planet….with lots of people like your Mary Sunshine there. It’s awful, huh?
I think it’s my own personal Hell.
On Friday, my boss decided to “teach” everyone about things. Seriously, I was at my desk, doing my thing (ahem, reading blogs, whatever) and I kept hearing odd words and phrases float in:
“Menstrual blood…”
“He was going to molest her…”
“Hands behind her back…”
“He got blood on his hands…”
Seriously. We are ARCHAEOLOGISTS. WTF?
Okay, HOW did I not know what you did? BAD ASS.
Oh you have one of those annoying people who MUST VOICE THEIR OPINION ALL THE DAMN TIME VERY LOUDLY TO EVERYONE too?
Yeah, we have a few of those.
For reals. Don’t they know that’s MY job?
God, that sounds horrible. I’m surprised you didn’t kill yourself already by the time you sent that tweet. I hate peppy people and being in a room with others who just go along with it instead of mocking and rolling their eyes, so much worse!
I was the only one mocking! It was horrible… just horrible.
I hate that initial attempt at generating enthusiasm. If there were ever a chance of me buying into the sermon, it dies at that point.
Exactly. At least pretend to be real, you know?
I can just imagine the glares directed toward the Arguer. Some people just don’t know when to shut up.
Congrats on surviving…and not killing anyone.
Seriously. It was FIVE MINUTES before we were supposed to leave. Double yoo. Tee. EFF.
I’m in the same type of job where workshops and seminars are required and this just summed up 90% of them. At least this entry made them fun.
ps. I’ve been lurking about for awhile and totally love your blog, and feel like a complete creeper for randomly commenting.
Awww, yay! I’m glad you finally showed yourself! Now I’m off to stalk you…
I’ve run some early morning and all day seminars myself in the day. (I know, hurt me now.) But I’ve always found that donuts and some wicked coffee supplies make the special people happy. Plus, I’m not a morning person, so I know to keep it a little low key and rev things up for the afternoon. I even schedule in a short nap time after lunch, because come on! Who really has the ability to keep their eyes open after lunch in a stupid seminar.
Oooo. All would have been forgiven if she gave me a nap.
Do people really buy that bullshit? Really? I mean, if you need a self-help course, at work or otherwise, you should just fucking kill yourself and save the rest of us some serious grief.
I know. I assumed we were all taking it for job-resume purposes… but I was so, so wrong.
I have family days. Not seminars. And I do throw things.
I was so tempted…
Dude, I had to go to one of these on Sunday…staff development for SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHERS. I’m sorry, but they do NOT pay me enough to do that shit…
so I snuck out after the keynote. Shh. Don’t tell anyone!
I still can’t believe you do that. HILAR.
Thank god for Twitter. I actually used to draw — with a pen and paper! — when bored senseless. It made for awesome pictures, but still: so 1999.
I HAD NO SERVICE. I kept taking “bathroom breaks” to go to the library and check my email. Because I am addicted like that.
Also, to keep from killing people.
The worst, the absolute worst, is at the end of the day when you think you’re FINALLY going to get out of there and the instructroid says, “Are there any questions?”
There’s always that one person, only one, who will extend the already interminable day by asking some question that elicits a 20-minute, rambling response. Ya just wanna choke ‘em.
I would have. But it would have meant staying another ten minutes.
Oooh I hate those things. I once had to go on a 3day Effective Management course after my promo…we built buildings out of paperclips, played a glorified version of hopscotch and role played till I felt bi-polar.
Poor Mary has no idea what’s coming to here…be kind, RiLu. Be kind
THREE days! This was just one. There’s no WAY I’d make it through that.
First time management tip: stop Tweeting, Facebooking and blogging at work.
And then, slit your wrists to escape the boredom…
I bet I could twitter with my toes.
I work in the Mental Health field and those training lectures are bunches of fun because I live in the deep part of NH, so to get to the damn training lectures, I have to drive two hours early in the morning to get to the city. THEN it gets better because , dammit all, we’re JUST so EXCITED to HELP you HELP other PEOPLE! YAAAAAAAY!
So my favorite thing is to be the one who makes things awkward. “So let’s do an exercise about bettering ourselves. What’s your issue you want to change?” “I have terrible self confidence and feel like I’m worthless a lot. Can we fix that? *insert sweet smile*” “……………………. aren’t you strong for saying that!”
Luckily, my co-worker who went with me can roll his eyes harder than any teenager I’ve ever met. He made it as awesome as it possibly could.
I was trying so hard to remember what EXACTLY I used to do to infuriate my father so…
I would have chimed and and agreed that Mary was wrong. Just for arguments sake.
You should’ve seen her face… steam out the ears, for real.
I went to one of those when I worked at Lexis-Nexis. Everyone else was suit-and-tied, I was wearing flip-flops. I sat in the back reading my book and the cocaine-addled presenter picked me out of the crowd because I wasn’t paying attention. It’s not grade school, you can’t scare me with your authority, and besides I got kicked out of fucking grade school BECAUSE I wasn’t scared of authority.
I don’t recall exactly what I said to the guy, but I tore him and and his BS to shreds. And I pointed out that I got his oh-so-important message *while* reading the Man-Kzin Wars. That’s how little brainpower it required. (I held up the book, which features a nifty cover and said, “This is a talking tiger that flies a spaceship. Compete with that.”) My boss was there, and she was laughing her ass off. Forever after we never went to one of those stupid-ass seminars again.
NICE. I want your boss!!
That’s like the dumb moms who ask the dumb questions at orientation…it’s like SHUT UP SO WE CAN GET OUTTA HERE!
Seriously. No one cares about Little Timmy’s peanut allergy. Pack him a turkey sandwich and LET’S GO.
The only thing worse for me is those forced “let’s get to know everyone on the team” meetings where you all have to share your Meyers-Briggs scores with each other. Then you all line up like cattle behind which type of person you are, 1 through 7, 1 being type A and 7 being really laid back.
I went over to the white board and drew my own 8 and stood their telling people I was dead. Nobody likes me in those corporate things…
I would LOVE you in those corporate things.
Dude. You know those plastic “clappy hands” noisemaker things? The ones they give away at sporting events? We had a trainer use those in orientation. I used to speak at orientation, so I go in there one day and am greeted by a room full of people half-heartedly applauding me with their clappy hand noisemakers like it’s a freaking pep rally or something.
I’ve heard they’re not in use anymore. I have a feeling the trainer got a few of those course surveys telling her that treating adults like a bunch of middle schoolers on their first day is *not* the best way to introduce them to company.
I am very much looking forward to giving Mary my ‘feedback’.
Brings me back to my corporate days. I hated these seminars, it was always so cold in the room.
This was in the basement… so there was no heat, AND no cell service. AGH.
Work seminars are always fun, especially when you play Hangman and Tic-Tac-Toe while acting like you’re paying perfect attention. Multi-tasking is your friend.
I would say tweeting as well except that I am still shite at texting. So no go there.
You need to work out your thumbs, my friend.
I hate those things! The tips are not what’s bad. It’s the EVERYONE NEEDS TO BE REALLY FUCKING HAPPY JUST LIKE ME!!!!
Ugh… seriously? I went to a conference once and before I even made it to the registration table they told me I had to dance with them. I smiled and politely said no thank you. They then told me that it was a requirement. So I looked at them and said “well, it looks like this isn’t the conference for me. Goodbye.” They actually chased me down to try and get me to go back.
Some people may need the pep but there are others of us who just need the damn information.
Hallelujah amen. Next time I have to go I’m taking YOU.
Sounds similar to the reaction I had a few weeks ago, sitting in a lecture, listening to someone tell me that all counseling clients need to fix their problems is “unconditional positive regard and genuine empathy”. I wanted to jump up and throw my damn shoe at her. That’s what they have friends for (as you mentioned not so long ago). Someone needs to get a harness on all this abounding positivity crap.
It is a disease of the WORST kind.
oh man. i feel your pain. OH SO ACUTELY. we have those too, and they’re MANDATORY.
I would DIE of death.
ugh, I feel for you. I love when they waste company time with those seminars, and then they think you actually care…and think about the job when you go home at night. You survived! Yay!
I survived AND I extra hard didn’t think about work all weekend. SO THERE.
Ya I’m not sunshine unless I get some coffee in me.
Did you feel like you were in a Michael Scott meeting?
Yes. Only I had no Jim there to make snide comments with me.
I seriously have no work ethic… people talk about bringing their work home with them or answering emails on their blackberries at midnight about something…
5pm hits and I’m off the f’ing clock. Period. I don’t think about work again until 8am the next morning.
EXACTLY.
oh it troubled my stomach just reading this… i HATE having to go to crap like this..
The worst, for reals.
I just read my least favorite words in the English language “Work Seminar.” [shudder] Why are they always, ALWAYS, worse than chopping off your toes and walking in heels?
Those words makes my skin crawl.
I could never work corporate. I mean, you’ve got money and I’m dirt poor, but if I had to do that, I would HONESTLY burst into tears.
I wouldn’t go so far as to say I have money… I get by. With a lot of cheap fun.
TWSS.
Hilarious.
I am so glad I am self-employed.
And I am so JEALOUS.
haha I feel bad for those who don’t know to keep the bar low.
best part of being kicked from Dept. Head to Produce is it happened right before an overnight how to be a better manager thing
I am ALL about keeping the bar low.
One time my boss held a seminar on communication.
Somehow our receptionist ended up calling her a bitch in a roleplaying exercise.
We never had to do a seminar again. High five, receptionist.
I thought about it. But I’m pretty sure she would have sent me to anger management or something. EVEN WORSE.
This is the perfect type of meeting to play bullshit bingo. There are many out there, but I like ones that include “think outside the box” and/or team player ( http://elsmar.com/level2/Bingo.html).
I used to play with co-workers who would try to egg our boss on to say some of the terms (that really is the best way to play).
Just remember not to stand up and scream Bullshit Bingo — management might have some issues.
Oooooo. I just bookmarked the hell outta that for next time.
Integration and Convergence are my absolute favourite.
And ‘Open Door Policy’!
How can you even HEAR that without saying “TWSS”!!! How, I ask you!
So glad I work for an extremely small company. People who speak for a living, should not be that damn excited, especially on a Friday!
It was so phony. I wanted to projectile vomit in her face.
Oh dear. Been there done that. Luckily with my current job every seminar I have to go to is in a building with a bar. I always visit at lunch and our afternoon break and apply it to the corporate credit card, of course.
We do have those little Sutter Homes in the cafeteria! I should’ve snuck some in.
I think you should take a “deep dive” into that feedback form and give her your “30,000 foot view” of the seminar.
All day seminars are never a good thing. I don’t care what anyone says. And on a Friday? Double torture. I’d rather put in 8 hours at my desk, thankyouverymuch!
I know! At least at my desk, I have you guys! It was so dark and cold…
You’re still young..I’ve sat through 4x these things than you.. save mind numbing drugs for these events… nod and smile when approval is needed.. Do it voluntarily, or Life will eventually beat it into you! You are describing why I retired early. Putting a seasoned employee of 30+ years in the same seminar with the college rookies, and having to listen to a boob that never did anything except teach can become a bit much…
I was a college senior in a discussion class full of freshman. It was on Southeast Asian Islam. I almost blew my brains out.
Is it kinda like that, times a million?
OMG i HATE group participation and those big ass easels & notepads! it’s The Worst! the only thing i enjoy less than forced seminars that just lead to an overflowing inbox is being FORCED to work with a group of people i may have passed in the building ONCE! i don’t want to “share” with them, i don’t want to “create a winning team”. that’s why i have a job where i can do my work all by myself and never even talk to another person if i please. i want to go back to my desk and do MY JOB! hate. Hate. HATE.
Your anger nourishes me. LOVE IT.
I used to hold business grammar and writing seminars at my company. I figure no one EVER wanted to be there so I gave everyone TONS of food, made dirty jokes and hoped to GOD you learned a thing or two. I’m sure they all hated me.
If she’d given me a donut and a dirty joke, I would have been AOK with sitting down there instead of doing work.
This sounds like the most painful day ever. Bring on sitting at my desk until nine than the peppy bs you were getting served. Hopefully, after all that, you get a raise!
Me too. OR I WILL CUT SOMEONE.
That is all.
I hope you repeated your tweet in the evaluation, complete with the phrase “Mary Fucking Sunshine”. In fact, screw it — this whole post is good enough to be your evaluation.
They made the grave mistake of making it anonymous. Heh, heh heh.
At least you have the victorious roar of the evaluation in front of you. I hate seminars…if I went to a time management one I think I’d gag.
I did gag. And not the good kind.
What?
Dude, I feel your pain. I had to attend the AGM for my strata council last week. I don’t think I have felt as stabby as I did when Fucking Red Shirt Man (as we affectionately started referring to him as) pointed out an error in the numbering system of the itinerary and then spent a good ten minute pontificating on the important of consistent numbering. Seriously. Some people just need to shut the fuck up.
A to the Men, chica.
I always want to ask if they think people in the room might be more productive if they didn’t have to spend an entire day in a seminar.
I would have paid you just to walk in and say that.
those things are the absolute worst…do you watch hung? they had a get rich quick seminar guy who was a total broke sham. i don’t like those motivational people at all.
YES! That was the first episode! It just irks me… I know how much they’re charging for these so-called “services”, too.
Hmmm. Maybe a career change…
ugh!! it sounds like HELL over there!! it really sucks!!
love.
At least it was only a day. My actual department is usually pretty down to earth, thank goodness.
We had one of these on Customer Service. I was thiiisss close to grabbing that hippie hair and punching his smiling face in. I feel your pain.
Don’t they know hippie hair is easier to grab? Amateur.
Sounds like you’re a stronger person than I am. I usually hate seminars/conferences/inservices. It’s definitely all about playing the game. This lady’s shtick sounds painful, too.
Like nails on a blackboard, her fucking smile.
Imagine how incredibly useful the members of the pre-kickoff and planning committee of this training must have felt…
Ugh. What a WASTE.
What. You didn’t have a couple of Bloody Mary’s before the seminar? That’s the only way to put up with that bullshit.
Seriously. What was I THINKING??
I once gave a class on Customer Service and Employee Morale.
It was based on the model of the Pike’s Place Fish Market in Seattle.
I got pissed that someone wasn’t paying attention and threw a whole raw fish at them that I had brought as a prop.
Let’s just say, no one nodded off after that.
That’s a helluva conversation starter.
oh. I just cringed thinking about it. I am so glad I am out of Corporate America right now. But I do miss the better pay. And the free cookies. And having more than 5 people in an office.
But dude, I don’t think I could sit through another one of those seminars. I almost had to cut someone the last time I had to watch a “fish” training video.
You got cookies?! Where is my manager!
Your job sounds a lot like ‘The Office’. So does mine. Stealing office supplies is the only passive aggresive way of making it through the day.
We *might* have a drawer full of staples and paperclips and markers at home.
MIGHT.
that’s just brainwashing
at least you survived and kept your sanity.
Only because of the beer at the end of the day. It kept me alive.
Those courses are so ridiculous and a giant waste of time. The worst is when you get someone in your class that raises their hand after every single thing and asks a question. WTF? This class is not based on participation. We are not graded in here. We have a chance to get out EARLY if you will shut your flipping pie hole. I am going to shove my fist in your mouth to silence you! Seriously. Let me help you wipe that shit off your nose.
Can you tell this is one of my pet peeves?
xoxo
I knew you’d understand… I can always count on you to hate the same things I do. Hence why we are e-besties and Mormom co-wives to be. xoxo
I’ve been to a few of those myself…thank God for my iPhone.
(Its no coincidence that both God and iPhone have capital letters.)
There was no cell signal down there!!!!!!! I wept a couple tears when I realized.
Just kidding.
(No I’m not.)
But at least you’re not jaded, cause that would suck.
I’m fortunate to work at a small enough company that having initiative and passion are all on me, not on the motivational-less ploys of company drones. Cause if I went to that seminar, I’d Office Space smack that bitch with a red Swingline stapler.
I think that’s every corporate employee’s wet dream…
P.S. Check my blog tomorrow. It’ll be worth it.
Duly noted.
Oh wow. I think she was on speed?! The whole vietnam thing made me laugh. Now I’ll think of that every time someone pulls that one at a conference. I know a lady who I used to work with at a different building….every time I’d see her in the morning I would try and hide somewhere so she couldn’t find me, otherwise I got the say thing: Gooooood morning!!!!! How are we TOday?! ::stabs eye with pen::
If only I’d had a pen I would’ve. She gave us pencils- PENCILS! Because “it’s okay to make mistakes”!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for stopping by my blog!
You’re probably way to awesome for blog awards, but I gave you the “Over the Top!” award. Did I already tell you that….doo.doo.doo….marijuana effects your memory–just kidding. right. Anyway, the award is on my *other* blog http://urbanity-charmcity.blogspot.com/
Awww, you are the best!!! And what on earth do you mean “too awesome”? There is no such thing.
I feel the need to go off here.
There are people out there (in other countries, not in the good ol’
U(ppity)S(hitty)A(ssholes)) that work less, make more, lead better lives AND work for productive companies! Why can’t the doods in Asia wake up in the middle of the fucking night and do our bidding? Why can’t Wilhelm in Germany stay up late at the office to correspond with US and miss his kids futbol game? Why can’t WE take a four hour lunch break? Why don’t we get to close down shop for a few hours a day? Stupid America is run on the hopes of money, money and more money. We work to make money so that we can pay for shit we never get enjoy because we are too busy working for the money to pay for the shit we never get to enjoy because we are too busy working to pay for the shit that we never get to enjoy because we are too busy….well, you get the point. Fuck this shit. Fuck seminars. Fuck corporate heads acting like they are the shit. You know what? Those people running the shit, they don’t know. They haven’t been in your position in a millenium. They are simply quoting what the manual that Joe. B. CEO had his twenty year old secretary (who you know he is banging) write (because, OMG, she like, totally passsed 10th grade English) and had them memorize. Do you really think they are standing up there all fucking happy because they love and believe everything coming out of their mouths?
Crap, I just lost my train of thought because Brett called….
Anyway, what would happen if everyone, one day, just decided to revolt against it all? What would happen if we all decided, Fuck it! I am not spending the rest of my life working like a beaten dog just to put more money in the pockets of the “too bad your daddy was too stupid to use a condom” set?
I fucking hate corporate America and I fucking hate that I am part of it.
Fuck it!
And now back to your regularly scheduled programming….
I am stroking your hair while Lemmy hugs you. Come to our bosom.
Stephanie, come here hunny. This hug is for you. I think you need it.
*skwudge*
sniff…..thank you
huh, I suddenly feel all warm and cozy….
xoxo
I had a really very funny comment and all, but Stephanie’s comment just totally threw me off and now I think I’m going to go take a nap.
If only corporate America had nap time…
I iz sorry…..
I love when they make you get into groups and share things. Did you have to do that?? Because THAT TOTALLY ISN’T a waste of time. NOT AT ALL. I’m a teacher. I know these things.
We shared more than I ever, EVER wanted to.
oh gawd, kill me and then kill her. ick. hope that evaluation was everything you hoped for, and then some: )
It was magical. Truly.
Since I know where you work, this cracks me up. I have several friends that work there as well and at a “rather large bank” down the street from you all. On the plus side, they throw kick-ass christmas parties, which of course I’m inviting myself to
This is so true… and it ALMOST makes up for it.
Indeed, the only time I miss office politics is because I miss making fun of it. Kudos on an excellent job (of making fun of your job)!
By the way, the link to the pic of your costumes for Halloween didn’t work. I am sorely disappointed, because if I remember correctly, you were PatheticGirl43.
Fixed and resent…
I’m lucky “active participation” makes me violently physically ill.
Next time, I am SO pleading that.
That sounds like it was torture!
Utter and complete.
i’m pretty sure i would have shot myself in something like that. it just sounds so painful.
Unbearably so.
“She spent the rest of the day giggling at us like Mrs. Butterworth on happy pills while choking on corporate buzzword after buzzword.”
God I love reading your blog! And I’m with you on the seminar thing. Why can’t they just treat the attendees like adults and not like middle school students at an assembly?
I was waiting to get a gold star for good behavior.
Somehow, some way, I made it through.
People like that make me sick. Did she make you guys do stupid icebreakers too? ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Obviously. The entire room… name, department, country we’re from… sigh.
oh. dear. holy goodness.
that is ROUGH.
and no work hubby? that suckkkkkks.
good for you for toughing through for quarterly analysis time.
I’m trying… it is painful, but I am.
sounds like the worst day….i’ve been through one myself: pure torture and completely unproductive.
It’s for the birds, man.
No, wait. I wouldn’t even put the BIRDS through that shiz.
ALMOST as bad as that time you left the email out for your boss to see when you drop the Cosby’s off in all their proud glory!! See, Mary Sunshine wasn’t all that bad
I always forget you guys know all about my sordid past. That’s what I get for publishing it on the internet…
Lol, I just love your writing. This is a cool post. Especially since I’ve just spent 2 days in a useless Train 2 Retain session that I arranged and regretted attending. The best thing about the program was the buffet at the hotel!
Thank you so much! I hope this healed your wounds a little…
Gah, that sounds like absolute torture … you’d figure a time management seminar would be compressed in order to help you manage the rest of your time! … or something. Hope the rest of your weekend was loads better
Oh, it was. LOOOOOOOTS of sitting. xo
Someone probably already said this, but… I’ll give you a tenspot if you just submit this post as your eval.
I genuinely thought about it… but then I remembered the power that is Google…
Once upon a time I worked for a woman who looked like Alice in Wonderland (pastel dresses, the headband, the white hose and patent leather Mary Janes EVERY DAY) and got sent to a time management seminar where I got a $200 planner for free. When I came back to my desk, I was greeted by HR and escorted into a conference room, told I “wasn’t working out” and then escorted to my desk and then out of the building by TWO security guards and HR. I LOATHED the job, so it was no loss, they paid for my cab home (I was a bus commuter at the time) and I got to keep the $200 planner. In my book, win-win.
(For the record, I to this day have no idea why they decided I wasn’t working out except “Alice” had a hissy fit when I walked in with my sunglasses on top of my head every morning and I refused to be apologetic about it. “Alice” had also mentioned that I should try to be “prettier”, which I found ironic because the lady who trained me was about as fugly and butch as they come and never got a moment of grief)
That is so bizarre! At least you broke free with a sort of “severance”!
You sure that’s worth the raise? Cuz I have my doubts
I know, right??
Ugh. I would have put my head down and cried or gouged my eyeball out with a dull pencil. I hate things like that.
THE WORST.
I hate it when people ask questions or debate anything in man-duh-tory training sessions. I refrain from getting too upset with them, simply because I realize what they are doing may be their only method of coping/not going insane.
You’re far too kind and understanding, my dear.
I don’t work-lucky you say?But I have had Lots of such classes as a student.EVERYDAY.
I’ll take paid annoyances over non-paid anyday.
I have sooooo been there… felt like I was right back in that room. Large corporate BS – YUK! Worked as Admin Support to a large IT department.
Love “Didn’t anyone ever teach you to keep the bar low?”
We had a gal that sat at her desk and gakked in her waste paper basket and refused to go home…. how is that for keeping the bar low?
That’s vile. And rather unhealthy for the rest of the employees…
I had to walk into the managers office and let her know what was going on… so with the managers encouragement she finally left.
This is the same women that was reported to security as there being a black man in the woman’s bathroom because somebody thought that the sneakers and unshaven legs belonged to a man!
OH SNAP. That’s worthy of like, a WEEK LONG of mocking!!
I have to go to like 3 of these kinds of things every year. I get to feeling all kinds of stabby up in there. I am surprised they don’t make me go through metal detectors…stupid them.
“Stabby” is PRECISELY the sentiment I was going for.
ugh Ugh UGH… there’s really nothing else to say. just UGH.
i mean really… “you can do better than that, it’s friday?” that’s not even cool. and the day of the week does not alter anyone’s capability of how to say “good morning.” effer.
now i feel stabby. hold me.
I only wish you’d been there… together, we could’ve taken her.
Please tell me that you were your brutally honest self.
You have to ask?
Wow. All I can say is better you then me. LMAO.
Naw, but seriously, it’s good you managed to get out of there alive-And coherent.
Just barely.
humm…if I were you I’d watch my masshole on the 4th floor corridor…one of those dumbass robots might just be walking behind with something sharp…
Haha, excuse me while I hide the letter openers…
Sorry if I actually offended- I was certainly exaggerating for humor’s sake, and perhaps I took it too far. I assure you that wasn’t my intent.
I always just assume that the perky seminar people go home, strip off their masks, bask in their own reptilian glory and then cackles uproariously at the shit that they pulled off in their training courses.
Hilarious. Fun fact of the day – it’s my job to write these seminars!