I only go #2 maybe twice a week (not sure if it’s my low fat diet or what, but I digress). Anyhow, if I go running and I haven’t gone in a few days, by the end of my run I really have to go. I mean, REALLY. It’s usually not a huge issue because I’ll generally leave from my house to go for a run, but not this day….this day, I decided to do a new route, and parked my car in another town to do my loop.

I was fine during my run, except for about one mile before I was back to my car. And then I had to go. Like, go IMMEDIATELY. Somehow, I was able to hold off the flow of doo, and made it back to my car. (I have NO idea how, BTW)

Anyway, as soon as I got to my car, the feeling came back times, like, a thousand. And I had to go RIGHT THEN.

I should note I was parked in a relatively empty parking lot, although about 100′ on either side of me were pretty busy roads.

Realizing I wasn’t going to be able to even make it to the coffee shop 1/4 mile down the road, I decided to do what any unbalanced, mentally deranged person would do — I went onto the grassy section, and pretended to be stretching, like a sideways hurdler stretch. Then, I pulled my shirts to the side, and did what I desperately had to do.

But it gets better.

I should note when I drive somewhere and run from my car, I usually tie my Car Key / Fob to my shoe. While I was fake stretching / pooping, TRYING to be as discreet as humanly possible, I somehow hit the Panic Button on my car alarm.

So there I am, pooping in PUBLIC, in the daytime, trying to hide it, and now my car starts beeping like mad and the lights are flashing, all to signal to someone “Pay attention to me!”.

Thankfully, I got it turned off within about 15 seconds. Even more thankfully, nobody came to my “rescue”. Whew!

“Pretty shitty.”

This line just made my day even better!

And one more.. You poor thing…

That is just NAS-TY! Something is wrong with you love!