***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!
Steal this button and put it in your post just by copying and pasting the html code in the box below, or just link back to the hub with this link, so your readers can read ALLLLLLL the TMI glory, and I’ll make sure to link to you.***
Now get ready, my darlings, for the ever popular, yet gravely feared, TMI THURSDAYS…
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***Friends and foes! I’m taking a break from my own humiliations this week to bring you a TMI tale from one of my bloggy friends who is (rightfully) unwilling to put her name on this, but (fortunately) willing to share. Remember to always feel free to shoot me your anonymous stories of embarrassment and grossocity if you’re too chicken shit classy to post them on your own page!***
And away we go…
A while back, my new gung-ho athletic-y boyfriend decided that we should work out together. I thought it was a cute idea, so we headed to the gym and I followed him around following his routine, including a bazillion crunches, which I had not done in months years. Wanting to keep up with him as much as possible, not to be an embarrassment, I *may* have forced myself through way more reps than I could handle.
The next morning, my stomach muscles were in raw and utter pain. The slightest sneeze or a giggle caused my to emit a guttural yelp of pain (which, shockingly enough, can be used to frighten away offending coworkers, I discovered). This went on for a couple days with no relief, until suddenly, I realized that though I’m a pretty regular, “poop-once-a-day” kinda gal, I had not done the dirty in over forty eight hours.
Perturbed but determined, I plopped down on the can at home, and PUSHED, alternating with Lamaze breathing.
Zip. Zilch. Nada, mis amigos.
It’s not that I didn’t have to “go”- hoo boy, did I ever. But my abs were still so sore, I just didn’t have the strength to push. I was worried because I had a 10k the next morning, but what’s a girl to do?
The next day I headed to the race, and a few minutes before having to line up, my friend and I made our way to the porta-potties. I went in, and realized that a Number Two was bearing down on me as well. Since it had been a while, I figured I could do the 6 miles better if I just let go. So, I pooped… while hovering over the porta-potty toilet. Turns out that after not going for so long things were surprisingly mushy (or maybe the burrito I had the day before was the culprit?). My butt cheeks were not stretched out as I guess they get when you sit on a toilet, and before I could “stop”, I had the mush all over my crack (as this was my first time deucing in a porta-John, it never crossed my mind to pull the cheeks apart!). This was not a little bit of poop, mind you… it was as though the poop went sightseeing up and down my butt crack and finally decided to get a time share.
So there I was, minutes before a race, inside a porta-pottie, with shit-smeared butt crack. Thankfully, there was still plenty of toilet paper, but tragically, there was no hand sanitizer or WATER inside. So trying to clean up my crack with dry toilet paper after having pooped mush was, ahem… difficult. Inevitably, I got shit on my hands. I tried wiping it off over and over, but it never ended, every time the toilet paper would come back as dirty as the first attempt. I literally needed to hose my crack down to clean it properly, which was (obviously) a no go.
All this time, I was fully aware that my friend had been waiting for me in front of the porta-potties too, so I was under pressure. It felt like hours, but eventually, I finally did what I could… but I knew that my crack wasn’t fully clean. Looking at my hands, I couldn’t get the stain out of them either.
If only I could’ve run the race in this…
Defeated, I finally left the porta-potty and told my friend I had touched something in there and didn’t know what it was, but my hands were not getting clean. When she turned around, I took a sniff and my hand still stunk like shit. I only hoped SHE couldn’t smell it…
To make matters worse, this was a biking and running race, so I had to sit on a bike seat shortly after that for a looooong time. It was only when we crossed a waist-deep creek, at the very end of the race, that I finally felt a little cleaner.
Because of the race, out to lunch, then horrible traffic that made my ride back twice as long, I only got home and was able to properly take a shower well after 5pm that day, 10 hours after basically shitting myself.
So, yeah… the boyfriend?
He works out alone now.
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Other awesomely bad TMIs this week…
jenniferalaine’s tmi thursday: where’s the placenta?
Ex Hot Girl’s TMI Thursday: Puke isn’t sexy.
BigSis’ TMI Thursday: That Which Cannot Be Unseen
Travis’ TMI Thursday: Yes, It Was That Big.
Late-Night Drama Queen’s TMI Thursday: Oh hey, Grizzly Adams.
Ginger Mandy’s TMI Thursday: Don’t wear your vagina around your neck.
Kirsten’s TMI Thursday #1
Mb’s Moving Pains
Daffy’s TMI THURSDAY – Pardon My Lady Parts
Carissa Jade’s TMI Thursday: The itch that cannot be scratched
That Kind of Girl’s The Kind of Girl Who … has hair so greasy you can fry bacon in it (TMI Thursday)
Scarlet Begonias’ TMI Thursday: Because toilets don’t always flush
Insomniac Lolita’s Tmi Thursday : Gotta Love Underwear Models
shine’s TMI Thursday – There’s a time and a place
Antelope’s Yet another way that I am crazy
Ed’s TMI Thursday: I could fill your pool…..
Sebastian’s Secretly, when no one’s looking, I still practice my ballet
Erica Nicole’s TMI Thursday: Bet you didn’t know THIS could happen!
Tricia’s TMI Thursday: Going Mobile, or, Uh, Projectile
The Bare Essentials’ TMI Thursday – My toe hurts, not that one, the other one!
ClevelandPoet’s jimi tries his hand at TMI Thursday
Lucy’s TMI Thursday: Under The Wire!
Spleen’s TMI Thursday, snakes & genitalia, not recommended to mix
Ms. Terri’s What’s that ya say? I can’t hear you. I’ve got a thigh in my ear.
Phronk’s I Never Fart
emotional diva’s tmi thursday
Lee’s THE SELF FLUSHER IS A MONSTER
Living Wicked’s The Best Part of Waking Up
Sachi’s TMI Thursday: How Old Is Too Old To Pee Your Pants?
Amber Murphy’s (A Tame) TMI Thursday: I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend
Lisa’s “Rescued and Rerun: Vaginally Yours”
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{ 60 comments }
Dude! I just went camping and trying to manage diarrhea AND my period on a pit toilet was a bit much. Add to that, there is NO running water turned on at the park this time of year, and yeah. POOP hands. I used all the water I meant to make coffee with Sunday morning just cleaning my stupid hands.
Just A Girl Reply:
October 22nd, 2009 at 1:52 pm
Yeah this was basically my comment – Eff drinking water, I’m not running around with poo hands.
I totally woulda put my name on that one. I put the ASS in Classy baby! Question is, would ‘she’ put her name to MY TMI this week?
So basically always, ALWAYS carry hand sanitizer. Point taken.
Friend, I feel for ya and know the feeling all to well. I have at least two horrific stories in the same regard. Maybe I should have LivIt post it for me.
LivIt: Thanks for the mention in your post!
Holy shit, I hate a sloppy shit…this may be part of my aversion towards sloppy joes… there’s nothing quite like spending 20 minutes and 2 double thick rolls of charmin up, all because you just HAD to have that piece of chocolate mousse cake at Olive Garden…
Oh you poor thing! It’s bad enough when you get a little itch from not properly wiping. I definitely wouldn’t have been able to run a race with skid lake in my pants! Major props!
Adding this to my list of reason why I don’t run.
So far my list looks like this:
Why I don’t run:
1) I don’t like to run
2) running is harder than driving
3) dropping enormous deuce in marathon porta potty and being covered in my own feces and potentially killing millions by spreading the e-coli virus actually sounds better than doing the marathon itself
I think that about covers it.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Kudos for being able to actually run the dang race! I probably would have scuttled off to clean myself up first, then spent the rest of the day in a self-pity spiral. Shudder.
Holy shit. I had a similar experience but there was no portable potty so I was squatting on the side of a trail using leaves. Not good.
Wow, I commend you for just trying to take a shit in a porta-potty. That my friend, takes real courage. I probably would’ve just tried to run the 10k all the while praying to Jesus it was over as fast as possible.
*vomits*
No wonder he works out alone.
I wouldn’t work out with you either, after that.
Like I want you touching the bar with your ass hands. Not!
Seriously, that was some funny but very sick shit.
reason #8,946 why i don’t run.
Just had shizit on my hand this morning. Granted it was my bambino’s. Still gnarly. Ah ah. I knew I hated ab exercises for a reason.
That is a classic story!! Why is it poop happens at the worst times?? LOL
That is so gross but I majorly applaud her desire to do that race! Wow. Get ir done!
I hate getting poop on your hands.
The smell never washes off.
Oh, the horror.
I’m taking away from this story that working out is evil.
Even with stinky hands, it’s probably better that you went before the race. I once realized I had to poop three miles into a ten mile race. It’s really hard to run when you’re clenching the entire time.
Oh gross. I know what dirty ass feels like (TMI) and it is NOT cool. I feel your pain.
Oh, I love poop stories!
Something similar happened to me…well, a few times I guess. Once, it happened while I was on a LONG hike with my now husband, but we had only been dating like a month at that point…and I had to go poo in the woods! IT was my little secret that I had the runs in the woods…UNTIL The boyfriend took it upon himself to DO My dirty laundry I had in MY bag at his house….and that dirty laundry included dirty undies from the hike!! So embarrassing! But he never said anything!
Sooo skeeeved out right now. I wouldn’t have ‘fessed to shitting myself ever, so even anonymously, I think you have mad cajones for sharing. Well done.
Having a dirty crack is the worst. THE WORST! And running with it? Just say no.
Oh noes! I hope you sanitized your bike handles, and your bike seat afterwards. I can’t do anything when I have to poop, a marathon would not have been an option.
Hopefully it dried. I’m guessing it would’ve been worse if it was running down the backs of your legs through the race.
BAHAHAHAHAH! that is… epic… and that is why i ALWAYS carry hand sanitizer. *cringe*
This is what my husband, a lifelong runner, refers to as “The X Factor.” And it’s always grounds for just quitting, because poop and running just don’t mix.
OMG! I would’ve been more paranoid about people waiting to go in after me…lol! Too funny!
Great story! You really can’t miss with a poop story can you? I love TMI Thursday’s. Wish I could figure out how to get that TMI button for my blog… Dammit why’d I have to smoke pot so much when I was a kid!
I have a friend who sharted mid-race, and of equally mushy consistency. He had to wrap his shirt around his waist, bail on the race, and run straight home. Not being there to see it will haunt me as one of the few regrets of this lifetime.
OMG, I would not have been able to run a freakin marathon with a dirty crack. Hell, I don’t think I would have been able to go in a porta potty. That’s just impressive!
OMG. That was… sick! This is why I wouldn’t use a toilet without a bidet! Hahahaha
I was amazed that she went in the port-a-potty but I would have bailed you know like “OMG I think I have a flu bug or eaten something bad” and gotten the heck out of there.
Ew. At least when you got poo on your hands you didn’t have to leave it there for 10 hours. This is nasty. But funny.
I love laughing at other’s misery. I’m a bitch that way.
Wow. I just got to reading this. Have we deemed this a shit holiday today? Love the post guest blogger
I don’t think I couldve run race after all that. Wow. Shitting in my sleep was enough for me to handle and I was just going home.
Happy Thursday, LiLu.
Sight seeing poop with a time share made me snort.
All bathrooms should come equipped with not only toilet paper, baby butt wipes and hand sanitizer, as far as I’m concerned.
“…went sightseeing up and down my butt crack and finally decided to get a time share.” hahahahaha!!!
And sig. other wonders why I hate camping.
I might have just bagged the race… kudos for going strong!
::gags:: AHAHAHA ::gags:: That’s hilarious! And reminds me of my little sister, when she was four, asking a friend to wipe her. The friend asked “You’re four – can’t you do it yourself?” My sister’s response was “Well, I can, but not when it’s the slippery kind, and it’s the slippery kind.
Amber Reply:
October 22nd, 2009 at 12:50 pm
ahhhahaaa!! hilarious!
OMFG…I am reading in my class and have tears running down my face from silent laughter.
::note to self:: do not read TMI’s in this class!!!!
Oh dear lawd, that sounds like HELL!!! And I’m pretty sure I need that robo-toilet.
Another reason to avoid exercise. I’m keeping a list.
Oh.My.Gawd. I don’t think I could have ran after that. I can’t even do a 20 minute jog when I have to poop and I’m too chicken shit to poop at work so it messes up my whole workout.
You bring a whole new level of dedication to marathons!
Ewww. See this is why North America should have more bidets in public!
Dude. Dude.
Lilu, you know that I love you, I do, but gggguuuuuurrrrrrrlllllll!
That is just NAS-TY! Something is wrong with you love!
42 comments about shit.. lovely…
And one more.. You poor thing…
I seriously never leave the house without hand sanitizer…ever since we had season tickets to the chargers, and were tailgating, and drinking, and… *shudders*
I am so scared of port a potties. And working out with the boyfriend sucks. Did it once. NEVER again.
“This was not a little bit of poop, mind you… it was as though the poop went sightseeing up and down my butt crack and finally decided to get a time share.”
This line just made my day even better!
OMG!!! I am speechless! lol Poor thing.
“So how was the race?”
“Pretty shitty.”
haha oh goodness that is both horrible and hilarious. why wasn’t there water!? that’s just a travesty right there. yikes.
I hate porta potties
Hello from Russia!
Can I quote a post in your blog with the link to you?
You poor thing! I can only imagine the horror of it but kudos to you for actually still doing the race! Glad you can laugh about it now!
Lilu, you were sweet to include my post even though it wasn’t gross or anything really too insane to share.
Okay, after reading the Port-a-Potty story above, I realize I have one to share.
I only go #2 maybe twice a week (not sure if it’s my low fat diet or what, but I digress). Anyhow, if I go running and I haven’t gone in a few days, by the end of my run I really have to go. I mean, REALLY. It’s usually not a huge issue because I’ll generally leave from my house to go for a run, but not this day….this day, I decided to do a new route, and parked my car in another town to do my loop.
I was fine during my run, except for about one mile before I was back to my car. And then I had to go. Like, go IMMEDIATELY. Somehow, I was able to hold off the flow of doo, and made it back to my car. (I have NO idea how, BTW)
Anyway, as soon as I got to my car, the feeling came back times, like, a thousand. And I had to go RIGHT THEN.
I should note I was parked in a relatively empty parking lot, although about 100′ on either side of me were pretty busy roads.
Realizing I wasn’t going to be able to even make it to the coffee shop 1/4 mile down the road, I decided to do what any unbalanced, mentally deranged person would do — I went onto the grassy section, and pretended to be stretching, like a sideways hurdler stretch. Then, I pulled my shirts to the side, and did what I desperately had to do.
But it gets better.
I should note when I drive somewhere and run from my car, I usually tie my Car Key / Fob to my shoe. While I was fake stretching / pooping, TRYING to be as discreet as humanly possible, I somehow hit the Panic Button on my car alarm.
So there I am, pooping in PUBLIC, in the daytime, trying to hide it, and now my car starts beeping like mad and the lights are flashing, all to signal to someone “Pay attention to me!”.
Thankfully, I got it turned off within about 15 seconds. Even more thankfully, nobody came to my “rescue”. Whew!
Oh my… LoL. I certainly wouldn’t have put my name on that either, hahaha.
oh my nastiness!! LOL NOW I see why she wanted to be anonymous! HAHAHA
I would have hated to be the next person to have to use the porta-potty, let alone to have actually been the one with the bowel problems. It’s probably good to remain nameless in case that next person to use that particular facility reads this blog.
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