(***Pssst, hey… have you updated my feed in your reader yet?***)
***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!
Steal this button and put it in your post just by copying and pasting the html code in the box below, or just link back to the hub with this link, so your readers can read ALLLLLLL the TMI glory, and I’ll make sure to link to you.***
Now get ready, my darlings, for the ever popular, yet gravely feared, TMI THURSDAYS…
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This week’s TMI is brought to you by my lovely e-friend Tabitha. I’ve e-known her since my very first days as a bloggette, which makes this even more special. The fam reads her over at her place, so she asked if I would provide a safe haven for her incredibly awkward ‘n hilarious story of Her First Time. You know, on her wedding night. When she was TWENTY FOUR.
[mind boggled]
Ah, well. Take it away, dear!
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“Things That Go “Sploogey-Plop” In the Night…”
Hey there, TMI lovers! Tabitha here… I’m hiding out at LiLu’s place today because this one is NSFR — Not Safe For Relatives. See, my blog is open to basically everyone I know, including my very conservative parents, my young and impressionable siblings, AND my brand new (absolutely wonderful) in-laws. (A special note to Mom, Dad, Joe’s parents, or anyone else I’m related to: if some freak-accidental click of your mouse brought you here today, STOP READING NOW. Seriously.)
Right then. So I’m a newlywed, married on August 8th, 2009. (Yay!) And unlike the vast majority of sane people twentysomethings in this generation, I…I… *whispers* I waited. Yes, I’m serious. I was, for the first 24 years, four months and three days of my life, a virgin. (Cue “Hocus Pocus” where Thora Birch calls out her big virgin brother, like he’s caught The Plague or something. Or watch this.)
And while public school and sleepovers and college dorms gave me plenty of references to All Things Sexual, it wasn’t until the recent newlyweddedness that I got to experience those things for myself.
I’ll spare you the details of the wedding night itself, except to say this: WHY do people say that the “first time” hurts? Try the first ten or twenty times. Or maybe I’m just unnaturally…you know…tight in that area.
But I digress. What I came here to tell you about are all the NOISES I wasn’t prepared to hear during sex.
First, we have The Seal Clap. This occurs in certain positions (and at certain, uh, intensities, if you will) when the sweaty skin of one person smacks against the sweaty skin of the other person, thus producing a clapping sound not unlike that of a performing seal. (Try it: clap your hands together in your best seal impersonation; not like a regular “round of applause” clap, but where you kinda “flap” your hands together with circular motion…or something.)
The Seal Clap may have something to do with the little bit of excess baggage we both possess (hey, we blame it on the honeymoon; we ate a LOT in Vegas), but there have been times when stomach flab had NOTHING to do with that noise. And that’s all I will say about THAT.
Next we have The Grunt. This one especially caught me by surprise, because it is a noise that I seem to make rather often when I’m gettin’ some. Don’t ask why, but for some reason I always pictured myself making more delicate, girly noises… I mean, I make those a lot, too, but The Grunt comes clear out of left field and continues to baffle me each time it escapes my mouth. It almost sounds (to me, anyway) like that “frick-I’m-so-constipated-why-did-I-eat-all-that-cheese” noise. But, unlike the constipation grunt, this one comes when I’m feeling particularly good. And, once again, that’s all I will say about THAT.
Lastly, and bestly, is the star of the show: Queen Laqueefah. Now, I learned what “queef” meant, at least by definition (though I couldn’t picture the logistics of it actually occurring until, you know, it did), way back in high school. A guy in marching band (and yes, I played flute, SHUT UP) heard a noise on the bus one day and yelled out, “Tabitha, did you just queef?!” And, mortified, I shot back, “No, you jerk!” and promptly sought out a trustworthy friend to tell me what the heck that even meant. So, I knew. But I didn’t know why it would happen, or how, and I guess I didn’t think it would ever happen to me because…well, I don’t know. It was almost as if I thought it was merely an urban legend, ya know?
So Joe and I were finishing up one evening and he (wow, I don’t know why I feel so dirty saying this) pulled out, right? And I was sitting there (doggy style, if you must know) catching my breath and considering plopping over and passing right out, when this very foreign sensation came over my “area” and before I knew it or could figure out how the heck to even PREPARE for something like this, I queefed. A great big, clearly audible, juicy “thhppprrrtt” escaped from my hoo-ha…followed by what I can only assume was the jizz Joe had just unloaded in me, which went “sploogey-plop” right on our wedding-registry sheets.
Thank you for the bedding set! We really like them. Wish you would’ve been more considerate and given us some laundry detergent, too. We have to wash them a LOT.Well, there you have it. My top three Surprising Sex Sounds. And that’s ALL I will say about that.
Love always,
Joe and Tabitha
Happy TMI Thursday, peeps!
*PS: I don’t have an Uncle Bart. Just going for some dramatic effect, is all.
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Clap.
Clap.
Clapclapclapclapclapclap!!!!!
You SO get a slow clap for that one, my dear. Thanks for sharing!!!
Other awesomely bad TMI Thursdays this week…
f.B’s too close for comfort
Jill Pilgrim’s Slasher Victim or Cunnilingus Expert: You Be The Judge
jenniferalaine’s tmi thursday: what an eye sore.
LivingWicked’s TMIThursday: SpiderPee
Long Red Cape’s TMI Thursday: The time my boyfriend got intimate with my fecal matter
mylittlebecky’s happee birthdee to me! (tmit)
BigSis’ TMI Thursday: You Know You Need to Go to the Store When…
Stephanie’s TMI Thursday presents: I Could Have Had A Famous Stepdaddy (Had He Not Been Married Already, That Is)
Insomniac Lolita’s TMI Thursday : Why I Can’t Swing To The Other Side
Sebastian’s My mother and I, a tragic tale of thrush and condoms
Scarlet Begonia’s TMI Thursday: Mission Impossible
Sean’s TMI Thursday: Sean On Fashion
ClaireMontgomeryMD’s tmi thursday: advice for new college students
cavy’s TMI Thursday: Bashing the Candle
RachelSmiles’ TMI Thursday: Holy Pants!
Bare Essential’s TMI Thursday – Everybody Poops
The Love Goddess’ TMI: THE DANCE
Mommy Dharlz’s FIRST @ TMI
Lucy’s TMI: Thursday:The Bride Did It!
CageQueen’s Is It On My Pillow?
Tricia’s TMI Thursday: WHAT HAPPENED DOWN THERE?!
bing’s TMI Thursday: The Ren Fair Bush
Mb’s Don’t google search this.
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Queen Laqueefah? I’ve been to several of her coronations.
I love the “music” they have.
freckledk´s last blog ..That Guy.
Who knew laughing and grimacing at the same time could be so painful??
I know. But it’s a good pain.
Hannah´s last blog ..“Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens…”*
Girls are always so embarassed by that. Don’t be….cause it happens. Especially if you normally need two tampons. What, too soon?
It’s never too soon round these parts.
Fabulous post. That’s all I need to say about THAT.
It is priceless.
BigSis´s last blog ..TMI Thursday: You Know You Need to Go to the Store When…
Haha too funny!!!
I know. You’ve never heard a TMI like this TMI.
ah, the Seal Clap. you know it’s good when your pelvises are applauding.
It’s all fun and games until someone loses a labia.
What?
sploogey-plop. GENIUS.
That should be our battle cry in October.
poor, poor uncle bart. he’s traumatized for life.
He knew what he was getting into.
omg i totally know how she feels. all those sounds when you first start doing it are startling!
And then you get louder to cover it, and it’s just even more awkward. Gah!
“sploogey-plop” is my new favorite onomatopeia. seriously, i wanna use it like 5 times today.
Oh, onomatopeia is one of my FAVORITEST words. Right next to “sploogey-plop”.
My fav part about the seal clap is both of you try to pretend it isn’t happening.
What’s happening?
That was an awesome post. I loled, especially at the Queen Laqueefah! I’ve done that a couple times and it still makes me get the deer in the headlights look!
oh-and before I forget, I now too am on wordpress. =) For some reason it’s saying its private or giving me an error and I can’t figure it out, so I’m moving..actually next door to you! Hey neighbor!
http://learnxtoxfly.wordpress.com/
Yayyy! Another convert! You won’t be sorry.
on blogger btw-its giving me an error, why do i always leave out words!?
I’m not sure what you mean?
Seal Clap?? OMFG. I never thought of it that way before. Now I can’t stop giggling. I cannot. I’m gonna be thinking of seals every time I hear it now.
You better bark to go along with it.
wonderful.. priceless!!! and i am soooo gonna stop here…
It’s for the best.
Randi´s last blog ..60 Points.. Goliath…
I once knew a girl who could queef the national anthem. I helped.
Hope you took your hat off.
Mike´s last blog ..A reminder of youth
That seal clap can really get ya sometimes. I’ve occasionally started laughing…it’s not always appreciated.
I think you know you’ve got a keeper when you can BOTH laugh at the seal clap.
Liebchen´s last blog ..I’m still not completely clear on “going to the mattresses”
I can not even stop laughing about this one. Now I must share. A random guy and I were hooking up at a party once. My friends felt the need to listen at the door. They swear to this day that he was slapping my ass, but in fact it was the seal clap of his balls against my body. They refuse to accept this.
It’s okay. We here at TMIT know the truth.
Dutchess of Kickball´s last blog ..My Ghost Story
Queefs and grunts and Sploogey-Plops… OH MY!!!!!
Expressive, no?
Kris´s last blog ..Bad kitty. BAD!!!!
Hahaha I just tried clapping my hand like a seal! oh wow!:D
Did it… remind you, of anything?
Andhari´s last blog ..TMI Thursday : Why I Can’t Swing To The Other Side
Every girl remembers her very first queef in front of a boy. I remember that more clearly than my first time having sex (also on my wedding night).
And the seal clap? Yeah. (kinda sounds like a new fangled VD that I don’t want to catch)
At least it doesn’t crawl, like crabs. *shudder*
RondaMarie´s last blog ..Protected:
Queen LaQUEEFAH!!! ahahahahhaha the name itself already makes me laugh!!! love it, thanks for sharing tabitha!
I know. It’s too perfect.
Kym´s last blog ..WTHOAS Wednesdays! – Moving to a new country
here’s mine this week— more to come…
I love the noises…
Thanks for playing!
Love Goddess´s last blog ..TMI; THE DANCE
I needed that. Of course, I also needed the water that I spewed at my screen when I read sploogey-plop. Best. Description. Ever.
Every great TMI should inspire a spewing.
shine´s last blog ..TMI Thursday – In which I don’t have time to write something new, but I wrote this before I knew about TMI Thursday, so you should read it.
I’d like to shake the hand of the person who decided to call it a queef. Because it is just the perfect word for it.
If you listen closely, you can hear it whisper…
Badass Geek´s last blog ..In Which I Am An Asshole
Man, I learned a new word today. I haven’t been I virgin in a long time and I have never heard of queef. Of it has happened once or twice, but I didn’t know it had a name.
The nickname for “the fart from the front” is legendary.
Alina´s last blog ..Hump Day!
Very deserving of the slow clap, for sure! Wow… I laughed at the seal clap. That one was just fun! Haha!
I know. Hilarious, truly.
Britt´s last blog ..Now You See Me…Now You Don’t.
The first time I queefed, V asked me if it really was a queef. I said, “No. I farted.” Umm, like that’s much better? Dumb me.
Ha. It’s a lose-lose, really… at least queefs don’t smell.
Brooke´s last blog ..What I’m Wearing: Little Black Dress
Priceless. Simply priceless. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do any bedroom activities anymore without bursting out laughing. Should be interesting.
You can tell Matt he has me to thank for that.
Marie´s last blog ..Coffee Take Two
The only thing that would top that, is if you vag blew a bubble. That would be legend!
Read Lolita’s. Apparently, that’s NOTHING.
justjp´s last blog ..So, don’t trust a sheep farmer, my sister, or me!
Oh dear. I don’t remember any of the sounds from the beginning, probably because I was drunk the first, oh, 20 times. But I can’t help but giggle at the seal clap and queefsies. I’m so mature. It’s all “pbbbt ::giggle:: pppppbbbbbbbttt ::snort:: pbbt ::guffaw::” and so on.
*snarf*
Just A Girl´s last blog ..Have You Ever?
OMG, that was hilarious and so descriptive!
Sometimes I make odd verbal noises in the bedroom and I surprise myself and then I start laughing at myself. My boyfriend later told me that he thought I was laughing AT HIM. whoops!!
Oh NO. Boyfriend ego fail!!!
Lauren´s last blog ..I was just run-ning.
OH MY GOSH. I felt like I wrote this. I too was a virgin, as was my husband. I have made it my personal mission to inform all my virginal friends of the queef. I had heard of it, but you just don’t understand until you’re there.
You are doing the Lord’s work, I am sure. There ain’t NOTHING like it.
Kristina P.´s last blog ..Sticking My Neck Out
That.
Was.
AWESOME!
I concur with the slow clap. But, in your honor, I’m doing a slow seal clap, just for you.
*throws fish*
Wow. I need to go find a wetnap.
Because you got so excited? I thought so.
My first entry…
http://eleanormordenoaguilar.blogspot.com/2009/09/first-tmi.html
Hope it passes as a TMI.. It sure is embarrassing for me, lol…
Oh, yay! Thanks for playing!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! awww…poor girl…seriously never experienced 2/3rds of these listed…but oh honey after a couple of years you’ll come to find some of the best times are the ones where you laugh and joke the entire time and incorporate the sounds like a bedroom noise maker if you will…hahaha! have fun exploring lady!
A bedroom noise maker? Do tell.
This is golden! I love the description of the plop!!
I know. Half of this never even occurred to me, but it’s all true… and freaking HILARIOUS.
This is why I always prefer music to be playing during. That’s jsut like…better than without. Thanks for the funny.
Or porn. Then you don’t know if it’s you or them.
Who said that?
Oh my goodness, maybe I am odd but I found this cute! I guess after 22 years of marriage her newlywed way of seeing things well is cute. Wait until she is not too happy she just put on clean sheets , yeah, see after 22 years you bitch about the little things (lol)
Oh, I agree. Freaking ADORBS.
Lucy´s last blog ..Please Explain???
Not sure why it did not update with my TMI Post but my last one is actually TMI: Thursday: The Bride Did It!
Got it! It just hasn’t shown in my reader yet.
Lucy´s last blog ..TMI: Thursday:The Bride Did It!
o where i wrote “For some reason it’s saying its private or giving me an error and I can’t figure it out,”–i meant i was talking about blogger. [lol]
Blogger is The Evil. For reals.
Nickie.´s last blog ..I’m Moving!
I totally participated this week! Link me, please.
P.S. The button wouldn’t work on my Wordpress blog. Stoopid Wordpress!
Oh, lame sauce! I’ll check the text in the box and make sure it’s right…
Casey´s last blog ..Is It On My Pillow?
lol soooo funny
hanako66´s last blog ..Etsy Wednesday
I have been to each of these soundscapes before. They are all as horrifying as they sound. Kudos to you Tabitha, for being our tour guide!
Tour guide… I have such horrible imagery in my head right now…
oh, rebecca´s last blog ..new art (and some old[ish])
Such accurate descriptions of all those noises. And I’m completely impressed by the commenter who knew someone who could queef the national anthem. I wish I could control that particular sound!
Oh, what a parlor trick that would be…
You failed to mention the worst case scenario, namely when a queef, seal clap and grunt coincide to produce the sound of a badger being squashed by a truck.
Of course. How could we forget The Roadkill??
OMG. So true!!!! I FEEL YA GIRL!
Amen!
Tricia´s last blog ..Country Roads . . .
Finally, another updated TMI Thursday for ya . . .
Enjoy fellow DCer!
Yay! Thanks for playing.
Tricia´s last blog ..TMI Thursday: WHAT HAPPENED DOWN THERE?!
OMG the seal clap. Seriously makes me want to work out. Loved it thanks for sharing your observations!
Work out? I don’t want to know…
tee hee! sploogey-plop!
Hahaha. Priceless.
Stephanie´s last blog ..TMI Thursday presents: I Could Have Had A Famous Stepdaddy (Had He Not Been Married Already, That Is)
Those are all great noises but you forgot a very important one! The titty fart! You know, when you’re going at it missionary style and he puts most of his weight on you and your chests compress together and while you’re moving air goes into them just right and squeezes out and sounds just like a fart! It’s awesome when you can get it going back to back so it sounds like you are farting throughout the humping. Pure comedy in the sheets.
And with this statement, I am pretty sure you have identified the difference between the “newbies” and the “old hands”.
Kellie´s last blog ..It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown
Oh my goodness… you’re right. This was totally NSFR. But so appropriate for TMI! Loved it, lady!
Most definitely, absolutely, perfectly TMI.
speakyourself´s last blog ..The Glass Castle: Read this book!
Bwahaha….this is by far my favorite comment on this post (so far). LOVE it.
He has a way with images.
I always liked the “sound of a boot in wet mud” analogy.
Groooaaaaaaan.
Jimmy´s last blog ..Holy Esss, Me Wants!!!!
AWESOME guest TMI post with equally kick ass title. ahhahaha i love the queen laqueefah. i would have never thought of that!
I know. Gotta give Tabitha props for that one
floreta´s last blog ..TMI Thursday: Nip Lick
Best TMI ever. Come back and visit anytime!
Wonderful´s last blog ..Flyin’ by…
haha oh that was a tmi gem, wow.
Um. Tabitha, you’re adorable. The song “Make It Clap” by Busta Rhymes is now stuck in my head. Thanks.
Summer´s last blog ..Zombies, Screaming, Nightlights… And Yes I’m Saving Money For Their Therapy When They’re Grown
I got Seal Clap at SeaWorld once.
Worst. Spring Break. Ever.
moooooog35´s last blog ..Bill Gets Me Wet
I about pissed my pants laughing so hard. It’s one thing to listen to a guy talk about this kind of stuff, but it’s so much better listening to a woman talk about it!
what a great great story, and congratulations, I am in the same boat you were, I ‘waited’ too.
I have had only 2 in my life, and I married both of them. Nice post!
adam-throwing quarters´s last blog ..9-9-09
Oh my God, that is awesome.
Jill Pilgrim´s last blog ..Slasher Victim or Cunnilingus Expert: You Be The Judge
I SO remember my first experience with the noises! It actually kept me from letting my husband even do doggy for a long time. I was way too embarrassed about Queen LaQweefah making another appearance. I still hate the Seal Slap noise too. It always throws me off my game!
But after having three children and my husband watching all three be born, which is a super nasty experience within itself, I’m pretty much not embarrassed about anything body-wise when it comes to him anymore. THANK GOD!
Kimberly´s last blog ..Video Thursday #3 – Hilarious Perverted Kid
Hahaha, I actually laughed out loud reading this.
mandy´s last blog ..The Changing of the Seasons
Holy craaaaaaaappp…. LOL. You just have to fake-cough like Peter Griffin does when he farts.
Cindy´s last blog ..Cindy The Giant
I love how she started out all innocent with ‘that’s all i’ll say about that’ and then ended so dirty with ‘the jizz jim just unloaded in me..’ It was like it was two different people writing….loved it!
Lil’ Woman´s last blog ..I’m Such A Blog Tease Aren’t I?
i really love the words you make up. especially onomatopoeias.
splurfy-doo.
mar´s last blog ..and i’m flying home
I’m going to try to find a way to add “sploogey-plop” to my bedroom dirty talk regime. Should make for an interesting time.
Meghan´s last blog ..Terminal Velocity
This was AMAZING. I’d love to do a TMI Thursday except my brother reads my blog. As does my ex boyfriend. SOOO… bad news bears.
I like to turn the TV on in the background. Usually some nice romantic animal planet or discovery channel. Not only does it hide the badger noises, but it totally sets the sexytime mood.
K @ Blog Goggles´s last blog ..How to be fashionable
O M G.
This is the best TMI eva.
Margarita´s last blog ..C’est Moi
I, too, waited until marriage, so I was unaware of The Noises at the time.
Sploogey-plop. (Maybe we should start signing our blogs this way?)
Megan´s last blog ..Happy Birthday, Dad
been there, done ALL of that but the queefing is always, definitely worst. and i may or may not have actually done that in someone’s face before. yikes, not pretty.
Down and Out Chic´s last blog ..Giveaway: Pixel Wild Child
O M G.
I hate the seal noises. Makes me feel like I’m at Sea World and then I think of kids, and then I think of getting preggers and then I want to die.
Elizabeth Marie´s last blog ..Freaky People On Google!
Thanks for sharing, Tabitha!
You’re still missing one tho’, which I think is some kind of ‘mid-process queef’ — where you get the queefin’, but WHILE the guy plugs away.
That one’s great. The guy never quite knows if he should carry on, because it’s quite an odd noise, and the girl doesn’t know if it’s too embarrassing to continue, or if she should just grimace her way through it…
What happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom!
Sebastian´s last blog ..SURPRISE! It’s a YouTube compilation post!
LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT ruled. Seriously. IT was AWESOME.
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