For this “Shiz My Friends Say,” I will be highlighting the Gchats I’ve had recently with Miss Lemmonex and Miss (soon-to-be-Mrs.) Maxie. Mostly because we chat for 7.5 hours every work day, and when you have absolutely no lines you won’t cross, well… things get interesting. (Past SMFS here, past Shiz My Boyfriend Says here.)
Let me show you it.
me: On Friday
I am not leaving my couch for anything
I’m going to set up a beer cooler and a bed pan
Yell “It’s open!” to the delivery guy
Not apologize for the lack of bra
And just bask in it
Lexa: hahah
please do
you can twitter me and maxie
me: Oh I will
I’ll twit pic the hell out of it
Lexa: just not the bed pan pls
me: Oh it’s gonna be there
But I’ll try to keep it out of the pic
Just for you
Lexa: thats friendship
Maxie: I can’t wait till you see my makeup
My eyeliner is out of control
me: hahaha
i haven’t shaved since wednesday morning
my vag is out of control
tmi?
Maxie: Haha never
I cut my taint shaving last night
me: okay cavy
Lexa: my mom calls nipples ditters
its weird
i just thought of that
me: HAHAHA
Lexa: i remember being like 12
when she said it
i was wearing a white unitardy shirt
me: it’s like a hoo-ha
Lexa: lexa, i can see your ditters
me: omg.
Lexa: EWWW
me: i just died. DIED.
Lexa: i am loling
me: hahahaha
Lexa: dittterrrr
AGH
me: now i keep thinking of little mosquito bite nipples
and then i feel like a pedophile
THANKS LEX
Maxie: i just answered the phone and it was the governor
random
me: hahaha
Maxie: i didn’t know they used phones
me: i know
don’t they have “people” for that
Maxie: exactly
he must be in the bathroom or something
me: haha
the kids don’t drop themselves off at the pool
actually, he probably has people for that too
Maxie: or he just gets a colonic every day
me: exactly
that way he doesn’t have to push
and can play sudoku at the same time
Maxie: i’d miss the pushing
me: http://steammeupkid.blogspot.com/2009/09/connecting-with-your-blog-readers-alt.html
she is seriously one of my favorite funny bloggers
Lexa: lemme look
fuck you
i loled
you are gonna get my ass fired
me: hahaha why
oh
“raped”
right
Lexa: ha
me: details.
Happy Humpday, my lovelies. Consider this your public service announcement to not say “rape” at work.
Well, unless someone’s raping you.
Then I’m pretty sure it’s okay. You better check with HR.
{ 80 comments }
Everyone would miss the pushing. Don’t lie.
Except maybe not Lexa.
She’s going to kill you for that one.
“I cut my taint shaving last night”
Um..OWW! Yet another reason why I prefer to wax! LOL
Tubs are slippery, man. It’s hard being a lady.
*snort*
Yes Maxie. I would miss the pushing the most.
I dunno. I’m partial to a strong finish myself.
Oh God, the pushing. WHY.
My ditters look lovely today.
They always do, my dear.
I’m a dude, and I can’t stop laughing. I feel like that little fly on the wall. Q:How many dudes have cut their sack by trimming?
A:Who’s got two thumbs and has done that? This guy.
Yessss! We are not alone!
I can push a deuce AND play Sudoku at the SAME TIME!
Maybe I should run for Governor.
…of West Virginia, mind you.
The best conversations are those with friends on IM.
Also, thank you for teaching me ditters. Ditters, ditters, ditters, ditters!
I have a feeling this will make an appearance at the wedding.
The word, not the nouns…
Well, who am I kididng.
love it! gchat saves me every day from going insane! my friend mike and i could totally get fired for the “shiz” we talk about, which basically encompasses our sexually frustrated friendship. happy hump day!
Gchat porn! I love it.
Gchat…every office worker’s savior. I generally have ridiculous conversations about robots and how man never really landed on the moon with my friend Trent. I don’t think he’d like chatting about lady-parts.
Wuss.
i’m not sure i would miss the pushing. i can take it or leave it, i think. but then again, you never know what you have until it’s gone.
I’m sure it burns a couple calories, anyway.
It is all kinds of wrong that Gchat is blocked for me at work, and this just proves why.
Sad face.
I don’t know what I’d do without gchat during the day. But if I were having those conversations, I’d probably be laughing so hard in my cubicle that people would start to wonder about me.
I don’t even have walls. It’s BAD.
gchat makes my life. Thanks for making me literally LOL.
Glad to do it.
You guys are hilarious!
Thanks, love!
I thought the cut was just above the taint… shows how long I haven’t had a good look…
At Maxie’s vag? I’m so lost.
“I cut my taint shaving last night”
Thank God I haven’t done that yet.
Better hurry up. Tomorrow’s Thursday…
I’d miss the pushing.
You make my day(s).
<3
Ditters! Is there a size restriction to count as a ditter? Or can can any nip make the cut?
Also, I have once seen nips so big that mouthplay would’ve been like catching a frisbee in your mouth. Think about it.
VOM. Thank goodness it’s before lunch…
all i can say is it took 3-4 days for my taint to stop bleeding. i hope maxie has better luck with that, hahahaha
You should enter that on WebMD.com. I’m SURE there are lots of ladies out there wondering about that.
I don’t know if I’d miss pushing. I might be glad to be rid of it.
It is a lot of work.
Wow. You people are sick. You need help. Wait, don’t I need help for reading. No no, let’s focus this on you needing the help.
You hookers are hilarious, funny mother forkers!!!
You love every last second of it, mother forker.
Oh good God! lol. You make me smile
I do what I can.
Hmmm . . . I’d never heard the term “taint” before, but I can guess what it must mean by the context of the sentence. It means “ankle,” right?
YOU’D never heard the word taint?? I’ll go back and Urban Dictionary link it. Wow.
Oh, and I trust this post is a setup for a new series you’re starting, called “Show Your Ditters!”
I’ll make millions. And then I’ll go to jail, a la Joe Francis.
First things first!
Ok, where’s your WYRW post, Bisch?
moving on….
I recently got busted for taking the wife’s pink laptop in the can with me. Hey, I thought that’s why we got Wi-Fi. Don’t hate a brother for shittin and surfin! All the kids are doin it!
Haha! Check out Maxie’s page for your weekly dose of WYRW, my dear.
Oh LiLu, how I look forward to laughing with/at you in the a.m. You would love my office. You can say anything here!
Oh, I’m sure I’d find a way to get fired…
I think where it is really at is the after push. The relief part.
And I’ve wasted all my gym going time to read Steam me up, kid. If I’m fat, it is all on you
Dude, she is hilarious. You made the right choice.
My mom calls the vag a tuppy.
Well, that does rhyme with guppy…
Gettit? Gettit? Because it’s a fish.
this was just plain awesome….plus my mom called me and I said to her:
why don’t you call nipples ditters?
and she said “what the hell are you talking about jimi?”
We’ll make that an OUR generation thing! We’re stealing it.
I can’t get past the taint cutting. That is just a pain beyond pains. The horror!
Martha would say, “That is NOT a good thing.”
I’m giving you an under-the-table blog foot jay right now. Thank you, Lilu.
My mom called a vagina a “biggle”. Ditters and Biggle. Sounds like a sexy crime fighting duo.
Oh, totes. But who’s the bottom and who’s the top?
I had an entirely different comment in mind and then I read Steam Me up, Kid’s comment, and now all I can think about is how to best contain my laughter.
Ahhh, this was a much-needed mid-day break…
I TOLD you she was funny.
I’ve just realised that if someone was group-raping you, you could yell “grape!”
No one would know what you were on about but oh well.
My brain is screwed today. (But not “graped”.)
Sounds like someone just had a BRAINGASM.
On Friday
I am not leaving my couch for anything
I’m going to set up a beer cooler and a bed pan
Yell “It’s open!” to the delivery guy
Not apologize for the lack of bra
And just bask in it
This is one of the best poems I have ever read.
…And I didn’t even know it.
I now realize how foolish I was in passing up the opportunity to put clothespins on her ditters. But in my defense, I thought she was asking me to do her laundry.
It’s okay. She probably had frisbee nipples. (See: f.B’s comment.)
And now I owe you (money? hugs? high fives? lapdance?) for the awesome that is Steam Me Up, Kid.
So you’re saying I shouldn’t be “the girl who cried rape” at my office?
Eh, I dunno. Any press is good press, right?
Perhaps I need to do a TMI post about why I have to shave my son and keep him clean…
Oh… that would be EPIC.
Steam me up, kid?
Wow, that shiz is too much. Love it!
Too much in a GREAT way.
Taint damage? Ow! And I know having had a GIANT baby.
OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH man. Helluva visual there.
Ummm……….I’m going to step my gchat game up. I was keeping it Klassy but fuck that.
LOVE YOU BITCH HOOKER. Thanks for not being a toxic friend. They end up shanked…
I am seriously going to hunt her down. I am going to scalp that ho and make a belt out of it. Feature THAT on your fashion blog.
Don’t worry… I’ll model it with shorts and tights. Yanno, so it’s fall-y.
i think you get livitluvit branded rape whistles and pass them out at parties.
Um… I do now!
There is something about gchat that makes me spill all my secrets.
We should talk.
Also? Don’t accidentally say “whore” using your playground voice in front of the Womyn Students Lounge when you work at a university. Bad idea. So much glares.
Is it okay if you’re talking about a dude?
Taint hair and kiddie nipples. That’s a true SMFS post if I’ve ever seen one. Keep up the “will I get arrested for writing this?” work.
Aww, they’re just words. Is it that bad? I can’t even tell where the line is anymore.
I may get fired for reading you at work but it would be oh so super duper worth it. I mean if raped, taint, nipples, vag and pedophile don’t pull up alarms then I don’t know what will. But eh, my job kind of blows. If it weren’t for the money…
Okay, you just answered the question in my response to Andy above you. Whoops…
Very funny!!!! xoxo
Why, thank you.
LOL – isn’t it amazing what you get paid to do at work???
I totally had a dream I met you sitting at table having lunch with your sister. I walked up, said…who knows what I said…anyhoots, you were excited at first…then I guess I said something and yeah…no more excitement after that. BOO
What? That would never happen! If you took out a baby and started eating it with a knife and fork I would still be STOKED to meet you.
Lilu – I think I need funnier friends…what’s your secret? Also, how in the hell do you remember these things? Love it!
The best thing about gchat is that is saves them all for you! Which I love because I’m totally lazy!
Psh, I need to start Gchatting with you folks. My work day needs a bit more funny… For realz.
Ditter? OMG that’s the most wonderful word in the world. You realize that’s going to be the latest craze. Ditters. I’m feel giddy with anticipation at the chance to use this word.
Wow… your daily life sounds WAY more interesting than mine. Gotta love funny moments!
I must be a pro or something, I haven’t cut myself yet!
Ditters, and Taints, and Pooping, OH MY! It’s one of those Wizard of Oz-like posts that magically delivers everything you’ve ever wished for! I wish I was allowed to G-chat at work!
I wonder if a shaving help-device has ever been invented for women that are more ‘outy’ in places to prevent cuts in the wrong places by covering up? I can’t even imagine how that would work or what it would look like. *trying to imagine*
You know that thing they designed with a handle that you attach toilet paper too in case you have problems ‘wiping’ yourself? They need to make a shaving device like that for sure, like Eric mentioned.
And ditters is officially my new favourite word and I will use it in front of people and they will not know what it means. Bwahaha, I thank you!
Okay, gasping for air at my desk. SO FUNNY. And my office may be the only place that rape is totally not going to set off the filter. Oh your friends are funny.
LOL you are great for the broken soul…
thanks for making me LOL early in the morning….
Ditters….. hee hee. And I think if I say ‘rape’ at work, it might be REALLY bad!!
Lol lol lol you crack me up to no end. “I cut my taint shaving last night”!! Lol! Youch!
“Consider this your public service announcement to not say “rape” at work. Well, unless someone’s raping you.”
Holy crap, that was funny!
I’ve never heard a girl refer to her own taint. I don’t know why not though…I suppose everyone’s got one right?
Isn’t pooping without pushing diahrea? So, I think I would miss the pushing too!
Maxie’s right…
I’d miss the pushing too.
epic shiz! i love awesomely funny convos with a lil bit of dirt in it.
ditters! that’s awesome!
Your description of Friday was like my today. Minus the bedpan. I just drank 10 fewer diet cokes so the urge to pee would be lessened.
OMFG LMFAO!!!! HAAAAAAHAHAHAHA
Oh wow. Oh wow! LOL. I wish I had such hilarious convos with my friends.
Ditters…..can’t say I ever heard of that one before…it does sound sort of pedophile-ish tho.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
You are seriously amazing. Lol
You ladies and your internet talk! <- Too early for my brain to come up with a better comment.
Cutting what shaving? lol your girls are hilarious.
i think that you just made my day
How about a clean exit and very little clean up?
The “ghost poo”! When you wipe and the paper’s COMPLETELY CLEAN. Classic.
When there’s that little piece just hanging on and your waggling and wiggling and waggling and shaking and slapping your ass and it FINALLY drops off and goes “splunk” in the toilet!
This is me giving you the last word.
Don’t worry– that happened a while ago. My taint is fine now.
As my governor would say OPEN FOR BUSINESS.
(it’s our state motto. how appropriate)
OMG. How do you not have THAT sticker on your car?!
Leave it to FB to make me puke in my mouth at 8:45 am. Fuck.
I’d prefer an orgasm, to be honest.
(Don’t worry, I’m not asking you for one…)
Try Skittles. They’re kind of like an orgasm in your mouth.
Even gmail? I thought you can gchat from there
no. you.didnt.