Dear Hostess From The Heights With Those Awesome Steve Madden Boots I Have Wanted FOREVER:
My boyfriend asked you about them for MY BIRTHDAY PURPOSES (coughcoughtwoweekscough). He was not hitting on you, hookerface. And *now* he’s not even getting them for me, probably because you were so weird about it all but possibly more because my stupid camera decided to break and obviously we can’t have my wedding/bday fiasco OR go to Costa Rica without a camera.
DUH.
Sincerely, I’d Rock Them Better Than You Anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Girl Whose Crop Dusting I Had the Pleasure of Walking Behind This Morning:
I hope a toilet snake gets your evil, evil ass today.
Sincerely, Yes I Totally Ran In Front Of You And Squeezed One Out. REVENGE, MOTHA FAHKAH!
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Dear Old Lady in the Company Locker Room:
Is it really necessary to have an entire conversation in the middle of the room with your pancake boobs pretending to be Italian hands? Not every story needs THAT much accentuation. P.S. I can see your entire bush through your white cotton grandma panties, and I don’t think there’s a Korean in the world who could help you.
Sincerely, Please Keep Your Pubic Mound to Yourself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Period I Knew Was Coming in the Back of My Mind But Kinda Forgot:
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh shiiiiiit.
Sincerely, Less One Pair of Boyshorts.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Myself:
No, you are not a complete sell out for selling (just a little!) ad space to people and places you actually like! After all, Tonic DOES rock. Hell, they have karaoke every Sunday night! And you know how you love a good karaoke night…
Yes, that is Rick Astley. WHAT'S YOUR POINT.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To Lisa (Albeit Belated) and Irish Lebowski:
Huge congrats on MAKING A PERSON. I can’t think of two people I would rather bring offspring into this world. Well, not together. With your hubbies. You know what I mean.
Awk…. ward.
Sincerely, Honestly Happy For You Even Though I Prefer Puppies and Kittens to Babies.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Sharky:
YOU ARE THE WINNER OF THE FIREFLY HALLOWEEN CONTEST!!!
Congrats, love muffin. Charlie and the Waitress it is. These have already been procured…
And I am already mentally preparing myself to rock some aqua skinny jeans.
If you need an idea for Halloween, click the contest link. You guys were The Awesome. Thanks so much! And if you didn’t win, don’t worry. Firefly and I have been talking and something is in the works… and the next giveaway winner won’t be subject to my whimsy, I promise.
Sharky, shoot me an email-
Sincerely, Wanna Split That With Me?
{ 97 comments }
How could you see the old lady’s bush and boobs in the company locker room with all the lipstick lesbian pillow fight action going on?
I don’t have the heart to ruin this for you.
Yay! Sharky! She’s mine!
Those boots are pretty awesome and I have no doubt you could rock them better than anyone on the planet. Bitch.
Right?!
Never heard of the Steve Madden boots (because I’m old and square) but they are awesome!
I have to ask though how did you miss this in the boot description?
Shaft is 15.75 inches
Because that has all kinds of possibilities. Yes?
YES. Omg, yes. Good looking out!
My favorite gym moment was when a woman put in a tampon in front of everyone.
That’s when I stopped going to the gym.
I just threw up in my mouth.
No, really.
I see the back of my head…and someone else’s…who Maxie killed. Too bad he had to die.
She killed him dead.
The whole period schedule thing freaks me out. I don’t like it one bit.
Newsflash: NEITHER DO WE.
After Libby’s comment, I’m not even sure what to say. Well other than that pretty much solidifies me never joining a gym.
I know. I’m traumatized.
You know how I feel about hairy pubic mounds. COME ON.
<3
Rick Astley rocks my world.
I love it when I am in the grocery store and it is so obvious that the person next to me is letting them rip but they just stand there acting like nothing is happening. Really people, if you’re gonna do that in a store at least get away from people first!
The common courtesy bubble! Come on!
A hairy pubic mound, a cropduster, and a period. This post summed up my life today.
That’s weird.
And yet, so right.
I once witnessed a naked woman having a long, loud conversation about the office with another semi-naked woman, vigorously rubbing her naked cooch the entire time with a towel.
In a locker room.
I almost yelled out “I think it’s dry, now!”
TMI. I need to lie down.
Vigorous is better than slow and tender, in that situation…
I love your randomness, ha! Ha ha ha ha….hahahaha…wait there’s more…hahaha…You know the right thing to do was to tell that lady her bush was showing through, any kind DECENT person would have told her. Oh wait, it’s you we’re talking about. Assclown.
Right back atcha.
Pancake boobs are better when they are covered in syrup.
Just saying.
Could be worse. Could be the guys locker room. Smell like shit. Full of dicks and nuts and assholes. Not pleasant. Like a mental ward crossed with a prison crossed with a Tarantino flick.
That visual rivals the Italian hand boobs.
I hate those ohhhhhhhhh shit moments. I makes me feel like I’m twelve years old and haven’t got a handle on things yet. I’m super duper glad you fall for it sometimes too!
Oh, it happens to the best of us. Especially when we haven’t even had our coffee yet.
I’m thinking just maybe I’ve seen pancake boob lady around as well, I’ll never forget her “bush.” lol.
Nope. It’s etched in there FOREVA.
LOL! I love writing letters! I tweet letters all day long! It makes me feel better =D
It’s like really twisted therapy.
I love this post! I have these short memos to people, inanimate objects, children and small rodents all the time. Somehow they float outta my brain before I ever find paper to write them. And of course they are always stinkin funny – just like you! Damn…I gotta try harder
Rodents? Love.
hahaha love it! especially the lady in the gym. precisely the reason I walk through the locker room with my eyes focused on the the floor. And also the reason I get dressed in the bathroom stall. I just know one day I’d come across a blog with an open letter to my saggy ass cheese and never have the courage to leave my home again.
“Saggy ass cheese” makes me think of… never mind. NEVER MIND.
“Pancake boobs pretending to be Italian hands”. Now THAT is a visual that will surely stay with me alllllll day.
You are WELCOME!
lol, the period you sort of forgot… oh shiiiit. luv that line. I’m totally with you, sister!
She is a whore, that period.
Toilet snake… hahahhahahahhahahahaha!
Admit it. That’d be JUST A LITTLE awesome.
Uh, so I almost posted some letters today myself. And I COMPLETELY forgot about my period.
Huh.
She is a tricky wench.
and yea… i’m totally still gagging over letter #3…
You and me both, sister.
Ummmmmm
Karaoke.
Soon.
Yes.
Right?
FYI – I was at Nordstrom the other night and they so totally had the Steve Madden boots. ON SALE. Also, Nordstrom’s website is doing free shipping for all shoes with the discount code SHOES.
You’re welcome.
You are a SAINT.
Cough click here B cough.
Funny all of it… but the period thing..been there done that tossed the undies…expensive being a girl
No kidding. Sigh.
on a side note,
Costa Rica is awesome! so do make sure camera is working ;0
Oh, I know. I took about 500 pictures when we went last year!
REVENGE is Always Necessary when you get crop dusted! I Hope your revenge taught her a lesson!
ugh, When old lady get naked in the locker room- I know I should turn away, but sometimes I just NEED to see, and I wish I didn’t look when the image is stuck in my head….for days!
I know. It’s like rubber necking, but in the locker room instead of the highway.
Who the hell thinks a guy is hitting on them by asking about their (clearly lady) shoes? I mean really, hostess girl, it’s not always about you!
She’s so self-centered.
I nearly peed my pants over the old lady in the locker room. YOU KILL ME LILU!
I got graphic on that one. You’re WELCOME!
Damn period. It happens to me all the time. And I think it’s awesome that you are supporting a local business that you love!
Me, too. I’m glad you think so. xoxo
Karaoke is a gift from the gods.
Just like Firefly vodka.
Ah-HA-Ah-HA-HAHAHA ! Seriously, every one of those little letters cracked me up .. as you always do
Of course, you rock my socks !
Ohh and by seeing that halloween post again, it reminded me to thank you for that Channing Tatum picture .. YUM! Grrr! Meooow ! Anywho, you get the point
He is so lovely.
if i lived in DC i would go to tonic just cause you told me to.
It’s actually an awesome joint.
How many RIP’s have I said to cute underwear during a preemptive period strike?
Let’s all bow our heads…
*saying a prayer*
The old lady in the company locker room scares me….
You and me both. *shudder*
I love that you got revenge on that crop duster. Well played.
Also, I HATE it when I forget that my period is coming and then all day I am going back and forth to the bathroom hoping and praying that it hasn’t started just yet and will hold off until 5 pm so I can race home and not ruin some cute pantaloonies and get a stain on my ass. Embarrassing!
And I can’t wait to see pics of you as Charlie and the waitress. I’m still trying to convince the hubs to go as the bull and me the matador but I don’t think it’s gonna fly so I’m sure we’ll do what we do every year and think of something last minute and end up looking LAME. Damn it.
I have a wig I’m going to cut into her hipster mullet too. CAN’T. WAIT.
Oh man, the period thing. I’ve had a few pairs of boyshorts that have cursed it as well. Those days are sad.
So very. Sigh.
That crop dusting just reminded me: is it bad that I let one rip in my room that I think was so loud my roommates prolly heard it from their bedrooms?
I’m sure they air-fived you.
Minus one pair boyshorts = d’oh!
It always catches me by surprise too, even though it is always preceded by at least a week of crying jags and warning cramps.
Congrats to Sharky!
I know. You’d think after a decade I’d catch on, but noooooooo.
What is with those gym-women?….It’s not like they OWN the lockeroom and no, I don’t care if little Jimmy is on spring break and you caught him doing THE UNMENTIONABLE in his bedroom.
http://www.booshy.wordpress.com
Oh, Jimmy! He so crazy.
OMG….the lady that ran in front of you to just pass gas – UGH and the bush lady? WTH….
You’ve had a very ‘colorful’ day….
Right… the lady who ran in front of ME… not the other way around…
Because I’m a LADY and I would NEVER do that…
I have been trying for years to get my fear of snake toilets outta my head. Now it’s back. I’m dialing my therapist as I type this. But luckily “pubic mound” made me snort-laugh which almost counteracts the snakes…almost.
I’ll take an almost!
Um, I meant toilet snakes. But snake toilets sounds even more horrifying. What have I done?!
OMG. Do NOT google “snake toilet“.
Just sayin.
What is it with those woman in the locker rooms? Is it that they simply think after this long, no one is looking at them? Well we are looking, and we are SCARED. We have sworn off breastfeeding and children all together. And we will wax until the day we die…
Or shave. Or even TRIM. Just keep it together, ladies!
Why do old people like to show their “goodies” to everyone? Ugh. And they always have the Congo action going on and worn thin undergarments. Let’s all make a promise to one another that when we get old, we’ll still wax our hoos and not show our DITTERS to the whole locker room. You already know that I’ve been waiting a week to use that GD word.
And you made mine and Lexa’s weeks by doing so.
Those boots are fantastic. If I didn’t already have three pairs of black ones, I’d consider adding them to my wish list.
That, and if I had any money whatsoever.
I know. I so need one of those “trees” my dad was always yelling about growing up.
Haha, you’re awesome. That whole gas thing made me laugh. That’s something my hubby would do. He farted next to two old ladies in the grocery store one day and blamed it on me… LOUDLY. The two old ladies looked at me in disgust, shook their heads, and walked away… fast. Hubby had a great ‘ole laugh outta it. Dick.
We’d make a great team.
Dear Coworkers,
Please stop leaving pubic hairs on the toliet seat, I mean really, how HARD IS IT TO CHECK BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE STALL??
Sincerely,
ME
You should leave some “Rogaine for the Balls” in there.
What’s with the old lady in the locker rooms? There’s one at my office too. She thinks it’s okay to apply lotion sans clothing in front of the mirrors where everyone else is 85% dressed and drying their hair or applying makeup.
The phrase “given up” comes to mind. Sigh.
Next time you see “hookerface I just want the damn boots!” I think that you should tackle her, take the boots and run away screaming “MINE! ALL MINE!!!”
I dunno. She looked like she played volleyball or something… though I am scrappy.
The whole “old lady tits in your face” thing reminds me of the time I worked as an usher at an outdoor amphitheater… And has just given me my TMI for tomorrow.
FTMFW.
I had a guy walk up in our locker and stand uncomfortably close to me while scratching his junk. It is times like that I really want a tazer.
B once had to watch a guy SHAVING HIS PUBES IN THE LOCKER ROOM SINK. What. the. FUCK.
Dear Lilu,
We knew your period was coming.
Love,
Creepy bff Liz
You say creepy, I say “adorably clingy”.
PUBIC MOUND! what a great phrase. “hey dude, please get your pubic mound off of me.” i hope that is on urbandictionary. if not, you should put it on there because it is a good’n. as for the period thing, don’t you hate losing a good pair of boyshorts?? happens to the best of us forgetful ladies ((LIKE ME))
<333
-kacy
Oh, it so should be in UD! Right next to “dry humping”…
LOL…gosh, you never failed me.
<3
Wow, pubic hair visible through granny panties. That is a MENTAL Image I can live without, hey, reminds me, it’s time for a trim!!
You really ripped a revenge gas bomb? Whoa, Don’t mess w/you!!!
I am fierce.
In the ass.
Haha! You tell those people/places/and things! Lol
And congrats to the winner =]
I z-snapped while writing this. Could you tell?
Word to the wise from Someone Who Knows:
Be careful with the revenge farts. You don’t want to be That Girl who revenge shits her pants by accident.
Normally, I’d agree with you. But tomorrow IS Thursday…
Some guy shaving his pubes in the locker room sink = unspoken fighting words. Fight. As soon as he gets dressed.
And the imagery you gave of that bush will haunt me. I don’t know that wax can fix that either. Maybe a bulldozer or a blowtorch. I dunno. Something more industrial.
The pedicurist from Dumb & Dumber?
I hope the crop duster got her crop dusted all the damn day.
Karma’s a bitch!
Camera shmamera. Get the boots!! Shoot, I’LL get you the boots for sending so much traffic my way!
(no I won’t. I’m totally just trying to kiss your ass)
Wipe off your lipstick first! Sheesh. These were good pants.
WHAT you have to see your co-workers naked/semi-naked?! I’m so, so, so sorry. You totally deserve to stiff Sharky on that Firefly for having to endure that torture.
This is probably why you are not the people person in your office.
Ooooo, good one! Now how do I explain that to HR?
Dear LiLu: One, I love you. Two, thank you for clarifying on the who I made my baby with. And three, I always preferred puppies to babies, and probably prefer them to anyone else’s baby. But mine is perfect. It is weird and unexpected how this happened, and one day, it will happen to you. Until then, though, keep living it the hell up!
I’m working my way up slowly. xoxo
dear lilu,
thanks for cluttering my mind now =S *it’s late at night and im slow at this hour*
I’m sorry.
NOT.
Dear Lilu,
I adore you.
High Fives and Sploogey-Plops,
SomewhatVoluble
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
I had to walk through crop dusting wake today too at work and it was bad. I’m glad that you were able to get revenge!
My tush is vicious.
Being downwind SUCKS! Especially when it’s so thick and rich you have to wade through it!
On another note: Last night, my Micko cupcaked my dog… but he deserved it!
Micko… cupcaked… I don’t understand this, but I want to.
Bwah haha…there are weirdos out there who would pay to watch a movie of that old lady in the lockerroom’s bush and pancake boobs…
Pop over to my blog if you get a chance girlie. I’m hosting a Down and Out Chic giveaway!
Ooooo, will do!
Look on the bright side… at least now you know you’re not pregnant! :p
Silver lining FTW.
I’ve gone through three pairs of the Intyce boots (in brown) in the last two years….BECAUSE I WEAR THEM ALL THE TIME AND THEY ARE SO COMFORTABLE AND THERE IS NO BREAK-IN PERIOD AND THEY ARE WHAT JORTS ARE TO PANTS WHICH MEANS THEY’RE FREAKING AWESOME.
Tell B to buy you those boots.
I am sending this comment to him. And yes, DEFINITELY brown!!!
By the way, they are one of only three pairs of shoes (the others are sport-related) that I’m bringing to Chile with me. THAT is how much I love them. They go with pants, shorts, dresses, EVERYTHING. Hell, you can probably JUST wear the boots and nothing else. Um, not that I’ve done that…(OK, I have and it’s hot).
Goddamnit, Steve Madden should really pay me for this…
But he’s not. I am seriously just that frickin’ excited about this particular pair of footwear. It’s the little things…
It really, really is. Steve understands.
talking to her boobs?! yeah that’s just not necessary in public. haha.
So very, very unnecessary.
Too funny!
Thanks, love!
Thank you for that lovely depiction of elderly pubic mound. I’m going to go dry heave now (I haven’t eaten dinner yet).
You are so very WELCOME!
Lilu, I would TOTALLY sell out if someone wanted ad space on me…or my blog.
Right? I mean, free money…
FYI – This Saturday I will be attending the Firefly Distillery Launch Party! They are gonna have tastings, a tour, and food from Mellow Mushroom…jealous?
Mellow Mushroom! Isn’t that the awesome pizza place?? YES.
Why? WHy must you post after 8 a.m. CDT? I can’t comment. Because you’re so nasty, you get blocked at work. Even when I access it from my very own laptop. And don’t you keep the period panties for when you actually know it’s coming? I do. Then I quit ruining them.
I do have some. The trick is to remember to wear them…
Life is hard.
Ok so I had this really witty comment to make and then I read Libby’s comment and all thoughts dropped out of my head. The contents of my stomach also tried to make an escape. That’s pretty ballsy to just stick a tampon in your hooch in front of everyone. Gee.
I KNOW. I’m so glad she commented it early so EVERYONE saw, too.
i totally love your letters. I was just planning on writing a few of my own
And you rocked it!
WTF with those crop dusters? I was in line at Target paying for my shit when I noticed a foul smell. I thought that it was my hubs, but when I shot him the “I know what you did” look, nothing – he was a blank stare. Thats when I knew that the nasty ass checker blew one our way. SO Sick! Seriously, we only had like five things, he couldn’t wait until we passed through the line before he cut the cheese? Come on, there was noone behind us!
*on a lighter note, miss ya girl! Trying to get my shiz together with all my crazy giveaways is driving me insane! I’m trying to catch up on all my blog reads and failing miserably*
Miss you too!
Oh, noooo!!! I didn’t win! I guess I’m gonna have to buy my own damn bottle! *takes a huge drink of red wine*
But I am glad you got some great ideas on here!!! Oh, and hahaha, on the period! Mine has completely stopped again….so none of “those” accidents for me! Sorry I’m still upset about the booze!
Completely stopping is bad… unless you’re knocked up?
Dear LiLu,
Hello, how have you been? You should buy those boots and then kick that bitch in the face. With the boots.
Your Sister In Christ,
Jill Pilgrim
I know, right?
Testicles, wallet and watch, or some shiz.
BUAHAHAHAHAH. KOREANS. BUHAHAHHAHAHHA.
i love that i know what that means.
I love it, too.
had to google crop dusting
Ooooo, I should’ve linked!
I swear to god, my mind is now blank after reading the comment about someone putting in a tampon in front of other people.
That’s scarier than any Halloween Movie. Truly horrible.
Amen to that. *shudder*
I am Sooo glad that you linked pictures of those awsome boots instead of pubic mound pancake boobs (PMPB).
That would be too cruel, even for me.
Rick Astley? You’re cool. But old lady’s bush WHATTT… I snorted so loudly and got stares. My bad for reading this in a pubic library.
PUBLIC library, I mean. Of course.
Is there anything better than a good Rick Roll?
I THINK NOT.
How is it that I read your blog and just like laugh hysterically the entire time. Granted, I’m a laugher, but this is actually funny not just stupid things I laugh at because people are trying to be funny. I love that I found this blog.
And I love your FACE!
lol!!! if I had the power of farting on command, I too would use it for revenge.
Does the surprise T.o.M. mean that you rocked part of the day commando? If so, my hat’s off to you dear.
Old lady bush should not be seen under any circumstances….period!
Advertising for something you actually endorse is just fine! And if Rick Astly gets some air time out of it – all the better.
I kind of need those boots in my life.
B should have been like NO BITCH, it’s about the boots. Chill the eff out.
Go back and steal her boots OFF HER FEET because that hooker does not deserve them!
Ewww to the lady in the locker roon.
You guys should send her a voucher of waxing place, nobody needs to see that much hair
I am HYSTERICAL laughing over the “Dear Old Lady in the Company Locker Room” AHAHAHHAHAHhahahahahhhahahahaha
Nobody said anything about Rick Astley!! I may have to cancel my Florida trip and re-route to the wedding/birthday of the century if there’s a possiblity of getting Rick Rolled!!!!
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