There are a lot of codes involved in friendships.
(REAL friendship, that is. Not, we-eat-lunch-together-because-everyone-else-in-the-office-is-a-geriatric, or your-whore-sister-married-my-brother friendship.)
Don’t date past significant others. Don’t stiff me on the bill when we go out. Tell me the truth when I’m wearing something I shouldn’t be. Stop me from chopping my pretty, pretty hair off when I’ve just seen Natalie Portman in V For Vendetta and am feeling impulsive. Encourage me to buy that waaaay too expensive purse because, really, who can put a price on self esteem?
(Um, these might be a LITTLE gender biased. What can I say, boys… despite the bathroom jokes, I do in fact have ovaries under here.)
Let’s see, for the menfolk, you… root for each other’s sports teams? Wait, no, definitely not. Hmm… I’m pretty sure your only codes are don’t bang each other’s girlfriends and don’t pee at the urinal next to each other, yes?
Anytwaddle, my point is, at least for girls… there is another quite complicated yet subtle code involved with a true friendship. And that, my friend, is…
The Code of Gossip.
You see, you can’t just listen to a friend vent about the sluttified whore her boyfriend works with, or the bitch at work who has your new fabulous haircut only better and is 10 pounds lighter. (Cough cough… not that that’s happened to me, not at all…) Even more importantly, when a superficial friend commits a sin against a BFF, you can’t just smile and nod while your bestie goes off about all the different ways they’re going to off said faux friend.
Oh no, comrades. This moment is about give and take… it’s an even exchange, in the best scenario. You must be an active participant in the dramz, in order to help your friend feel less crazy and arrive at a point of peace.
In order to bring your friend’s anger full circle, so that they may begin the healing process, these are the steps that one MUST adhere to:
1. Agree wholeheartedly and help your BFF tear the offender apart. As a true bestie, you should also be able to ADD fuel to the fire to A) make it more interesting and B) support your friend in their time of need.
2. Listen and let the BFF vent for as long as they need to. When they appear to be winding down, offer a piece of gossip EQUAL TO or GREATER than the information just shared. This works best if it is in some way relevant to the original offender, e.g., “Last Sunday Cindy wore leggings… I’m pretty sure they were made by Big Fucking Mistake & Co.”
3. Offer to stab, burn, quarter, shank, voodoo, poison, run over, or lead pipe the offender. And be DEAD. Freaking. Serious.
(Note: It is important to remember that anything said in the heat of the gossip is most likely false, and therefore is in no way credibile as soon as said situation is rectified.)
Follow these simple rules, and you will soon be a champion gossiper and confidante. And also kind of an asshole. But most importantly?
A goddamn good friend.
{ 104 comments }
I agree with the above. However, where do you stand on gossiping about your BFF with one of her friends when, hypothetically of course, she guy she’s currently dating is a complete asshole?
That’s totally okay, BECAUSE when she finally breaks up with said hypothetical asshole, you’ll be able to tell her about it, and you’ll all look back and laugh.
Then she’ll cry a little bit, and you’ll hold her and pet her hair, because YOU ARE A GODDAMN GOOD FRIEND.
The codes of gossip are complicated…I think a good friend also knows what is gossip and what are deep dark secrets.
Exactly, my love. Hold on to mine tightly…
good rules here missy.
<3
Haha, totally agree, when it comes to being a good friend, no topic and no one is a safe zone. We must, in the spirit of sisterhood, come out with all guns blazing. Why stop at adding fuel to the fire, you should be the one that hands her the **** match!
Oh, you can swear here. This is a safe place.
well said.
for me #2 ALWAYS has to be about the offender and if you don’t have anything juicy to tell you are to make it up right there on the spot. a good “yah, last month that bitch…” is always a good start
EXACTLY. You are clearly a pro.
DON’T BANG EACH OTHERS GIRLFRIENDS?!?!
Huh.
Guess that explains a lot.
That explains the rearview mirror…
We ladies are complicated aren’t we? I must agree with you though. Most especially on numero 2.
Numero 2 is KEY.
Kill people for friendship?
Fuck.
I do it for money.
Ooo. I should totally start charging.
‘Offer to stab, burn, quarter, shank, voodoo, poison, run over, or lead pipe the offender. And be DEAD. Freaking. Serious.’
amen to that
You know it.
I so miss the next day re-cap and gossip fest over pizza and TiVo’ed entourage with my girlfriends.
It’s good for the soul, man.
I agree with Lexa, wholeheartedly. That is an important difference.
Otherwise, yes, threaten away.
VERY important.
During the gossiping, it’s also imperative that you bring up every stupid, nitpicky thing that the superficial friend does and could be construed as annoying. Topics I suggest: FB status updates, chewing habits, the drinks they order and the rate at which they are consumed, their hideous jewelry, that one time they made you listen to Jack Johnson in the car, and any other fodder you can dig up/make up that sounds reasonable. You also must commit to hating the person UNTIL the BFF stops, after which you pretend that you never hated them at all.
It is an art, and on that you have clearly mastered.
So very important. I think what it comes down to is Loyalty. In sister code, love is loyalty. And loyalty means scheming and thinking up plots for revenge against Exes/That Bitchy Girl/Those Assholes.
Loyalty with a CAPITAL “L”. Exactly.
Amen!!! Too Bad men don’t get it, they are usually the ones in the line of fire and never understand the ‘gang up’!
I know! They get all judgey… it’s just venting, boys. We *know* it’s not true, but it’s medication for the moment.
For #3 I usually offer a good pistol-whipping.
Oooo, good one!
I once had someone offer to put a voodoo curse on the person I hated. *That’s* friendship.
Hold on to them, tightly. That’s a gem of a friend.
“You must be an active participant in the dramz, in order to help your friend feel less crazy and arrive at a point of peace.”
Helping a friend feel less crazy is absolutely imperative. Because, let’s face it, we all think we’re crazy every now and then. And who wants to be alone in her craziness?!?!
NO ONE, that’s who.
Not that I’m ever, uh, crazy…
I’m definitely with you on #2, but things get a little trickier if it was a *real* friend that angered your bestie, and not just a faux friend, no? Because then it’s harder to forget all the venting after things are okay again. Maybe that’s just me.
So very true. That’s why I was careful to specify the SUPERFICIAL friend… when it’s a good one, that just sucks. Thankfully, now that I’m all old and mature and stuff, that doesn’t happen very often.
Ok, the “I’m pretty sure they were made at Big Fucking Mistake & Co.” part made me laugh out loud and I do plan on incorporating it into my lexicon.
As far as guy codes go, they mostly relate to not getting in the way of trying to sleep with a girl, making up stories to make the guy who’s trying to sleep with the girl sound awesome, not sleeping with each others’ respective gfs, and playing the game of “drink the beer”. We’re a pretty straightforward peoples.
Please steal away. And yes, simple creatures… and we (mostly) like it that way.
So agree! Although I hate “drama”. I’m always there for a bestie for a bitch fest/murder plot. I always got my girls back! And we all need our besties during our crazy moments to remind us we are not the crazy ones out there!
Sometimes, a good bitch fest/murder plot is EXACTLY what the doctor ordered.
You girls and your codes… but you are correct with bangin’ gf’s and urinal etiquette. I’m like a wunderkind when it comes to picking which urinal to use. There is a science behind it. I shall name it urinalology.
And I don’t think anyone would argue with you.
So, so true.
Right? Right.
hahaha! ahhh yes, when i told my friends about my angry confrontation with a this lady who pulled the race card on me… probably every single one of them offered to a) slash her tires b) key her car c) get cousin jimmy to ‘do something about it’ …. true friends i tell ya.
Ah yes… the old “I know a guy” is a classic.
I have a friend who doesn’t gossip. EVER. It confuses me. Then again, she has hairy underarms and swears that the contrails behind jet planes can change the weather patterns, so….. needless to say, I don’t hang with her too much.
Yeah, she’s totally the superficial friend. Doesn’t count.
The urinal rule for guys isn’t a rule as such. It’s more like a commandment, like Moses stepped off the mountain with his two stone tablets and,’thou shalt not urinate next to a man if another urinal is free’ happened to be one of the rules chiselled on to the stone.
Not talking in a public bathroom is more of a rule…
And having once or twice been the BF that gets talked about in a group of women… You guys are MEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Seriously, I have feelings too, what the hell!:)
It’s your own fault. You weren’t supposed to be LISTENING!
Oh yes, this kind of support can only be provided by TRUE friends. Uhm, that, or an 18-hour bra.
Better yet, BOTH.
Friends help you move.
Real friends help you move bodies.
Looooooooooove.
“Last Sunday Cindy wore leggings… I’m pretty sure they were made by Big Fucking Mistake & Co.”
Now that’s GD funny.
And probably true.
I have physically punched people who are asses to my friends. Usually I am drunk (weird). So bring me drunk to a fight and I will be in it in a heartbeat. Wade says he would never go to a bar w/ me if I were a dude b/c I would be the meat stick who always tries to get in a fight by the end of the night. I also took up kickboxing. In other words, you want me on your team b/c I’m a serious ass kicker when it comes to defending my friends (even if they don’t need it).
You, my dear, are MY KINDA GAL.
Yeah, i sent the rules to my bff of 20 years, and they are validated and tested.
WHAT is with hating on Jack Johnson? the soundtrack to Curious George is so great!
Also made by Big Fucking Mistake & Co…lowrider skinny jeans for boys. eeeewwww.
Oh, vom. Yes, I’m pretty sure that’s one of their specialties.
Gossip is so complex. That’s why I think you should just be honest all the time. Even though, that leaves me in trouble on occasion because I don’t have a sensor.
Sensors are for pussies.
I prefer to offer to “cut a bitch.”
You have to make a “swipey with knife” motion while you say it, too. So it’s AUTHENTIC.
Number 2 is definitely key. I’d feel both good and bad for doing it… but mostly good. HAHA.
Mostly good is good enough.
Guy’s code – send telepathic messages about whether or not you would have sex with every girl that is within eye site. Done with a simple nod or shake of your head. No texting. Ever. There can never be evidence.
And you were sorely missed in Cleveland. I wish I could make it to your wedding but my wallet is being a little bitch and won’t put out when I make it go on roadtrips. And to think – it was so slutty in college.
You can take the slut out of the…
Nevermind. That’s not going anywhere good.
Friendship = Loyalty. That’s all I got.
That, my friend, is enough.
Dude, yes, I totally agree! My BFF and I are religious about this type of commiserating rant/conversation (we call it “active sympathizing” — makes it sound so much less uncouth than it is!), and our boyfs never understood why we were so into it, or why it was better than a man’s approach to a problem. (Namely, to tell you to calm down and try to offer friggin’ solutions. But I don’t need solutions! I need someone to help me get angrier and angrier until I collapse on myself like a supernova!!!)
Exactly. Men are FIXERS. We need ENABLERS.
It seems so much easier to be a guy … they have their drama but they don’t rely on the gossip. It’s so hard to do #2 sometimes; it really worked last week when my friend was in a pickle and venting about something and then I went, “DID YOU HEAR WHAT KANYE WEST DID?” … greatest distraction EVA.
It will never, ever get old.
I use the middle urinal. This is very much against code as it forces other guys to be uncomfortable or wait until I am done before they can safely occupy a side urinal. I do not abide by the code, therefore I am an asshole.
(But the middle one is always cleaner)
Oh, and I would add ‘exsanguinate’ to the list. Nothing better than hanging someone upside-down like a pig and… well, no need to be graphic.
I am always looking out for my friends. They just don’t know it.
I am Batman.
You just wanted to say “I am Batman.”
I hang out with mostly girls and have been brought in to so many gossip/hate on circles that I often resent and hate on said other girls but have no real recollection why. so I just start making things up as to why.
I do however get nothing but grief when the wife wears this hideous jacket she likes and I try to get her not to.
“Making things up” is one of my favorite tactics.
It’s the truth. Women are psychotic. That’s just how it rolls, man.
Holla. And thanks for the shout out, lady!
Hahaha, this is so unbelievably (and frighteningly) true. You obviously can’t disagree with a BFF when they’re ranting/gossiping or the next thing you know, you’ll be the topic of their gossip with the next friend! …We are really sick creatures, aren’t we??
Yes. Yes, we are. But we’ve adapted well.
I love talking about the people we hate. It’s one of my favorite pastimes.
Especially when booze is involved.
Get back down here soon.
Do it do it do it, cut your hair like Natalie, do it do it!
Um, did I read that wrong?
Stop stop, or stick it back on, celotape will do.
Ya see, I’m a true follower of protocol.
If only I had her bone structure…
Part of the trick is making the distinction between those friends who require/have earned such level of loyalty/attention and those to whom you should listen as diligently as possible whilst self-medicating with the booze that makes his/her company tolerable.
I am too familiar with the latter. Sigh.
I think I like the boys’ codes better. Less complicated. Fewer things to remember. And it’s much less likely that you will get bitch-slapped and/or have your weave ripped out. Silly girls.
Oh, come on. Everyone needs a good weave-rippin’ every now and then.
Absofreakinglutely. I hope everyone reads your guidebook. Maybe we can get it into Barnes & Noble?
All right, but we’re going 70/30 on the royalties.
you forgot “shove a torch in that skank’s vagina.”
girls rule.
I wonder if you can tar and feather a vag?
FTW.
So this is what women are really doing when they go to the restroom together in groups? I think I’m starting to understand.
Actually, about 90% of the time… yes.
I agree and disagree. Gossip sometimes is completely necessary, but other times really, really, evil and UNnecessary and can really hurt people. So, for the most part, I tend to stay away from stuff UNLESS the person in question has genuinelly hurt my friend… then all bets are off and the claws come out.
Oh, for sure. I’m talking about strictly private, therapeutic sessions with BFFs only, here.
I’m a Goddamn Good Friend. ‘Nuf said.
I believe it.
Good rules… now I just gotta find me on these ‘friends’ you’re talking about….
The besties! NOT the superficial.
I will study these rules so that I might better understand all of you. But I would never trade in our man law. The man law handbook is easier to memorize.
But if you know the rules, and get reallllly good at it, it’s kinda fun…
So good and true that I sent the link to Sweden with a love note.
Yesssss.
I see nothing wrong with the above list. I also like to go one step further and make the offending trollop cry at least once and it must be in front of witnesses.
God, I love the word “trollop”. Almost as much as I love you.
Oops, somehow I replied to one comment and not the whole post. Eff me.
Forgiven.
Silly bear.
Amen, sistah. Couldn’t have said it better myself.
Well, actually, you missed one, itsy bitsy little detail about all of this… You need to be pouring fruity, alcoholic beverages down the throat of the friend while gossiping. Not only will you be a good friend, you will be a favorite friend, too =) And, the booze most definitely will add to the fire.
Oh, hell yes. Sangria is particularly excellent for this.
CHEERS to good friends!! that’s all i can say!!!… lol
Woot!
So true….A good friend won’t just listen to me bitch but will bitch with me.
We should get T shirts made.
freaking LOVE this crap…not crap..but oh so true! and the slogan “those who gossip to you, gossip about you” so does NOT apply to your true and loyal bff…cause you know that code is broken when it comes to the two of you…but seriously what is quartered and how do i go about getting this done?
Um, well, here’s the Wikipedia link… but it’s pretty horrible. Horses are involved.
True that, lady. If I had to pick between being a good friend or not an asshole, I’d pick being a friend.
Every damn time.
we’re giving credits to a-hole yeah?
for being a total super great friends despite being an a-hole
Not despite. Because of. It’s the sacrifice we make!
This is why I am SO lucky we are good friends. I love you, you mean, mean bitch.
NINETEEN DAYS.
But who’s counting…
You look really pretty today.
xoxoxo
oh the joys of friendships. i’m thankful for having friends that tell each when we look fat in something. or that we have something in our teeth. and that we don’t get offended or mad and find it totally acceptable when we leave the bar with a strange guy instead of going home together.
Those are REAL friends.
so glad you wrote a post on Girl Codes… because this wknd one was broken. my good friend here in town came with me to a wedding this wknd and 2 guy friends of mine stayed with us in the hotel room after the wedding and my “friend” hooked up with the guy friend who was into ME… and when I say hooked up- I mean, it was 2 feet from me. Literally. Girl Code? Broken. Even if i say I want nothing to do with him? You don’t go and F him the first day you meet him despite having talked via AIM for a week. only i can’t blog about this since the guy in the situation reads.my.blog. grrrr….
good post though
I’ll take breaking girl gossip codes over hooking up with a guy I was interested a mere month ago!
What a trollop!!! I know a guy. Just say the word…
id love to hear boy code, cus im pretty sure there isnt one other than dont tell anyone anything i say not to tell.
cus i dont know how many guys i know tht date their friends exes, and pee anywhere they please. i do wonder what guys bro code is???
Oooo, that would be interesting… men?
Man, I have tried and tried to explain this to my husband, and he just does. not. get it! He thinks that everything said during “venting” is completely, 100% serious and I think that I freak him out whenever I do it, ha ha! Girls just get this sort of thing, you know?
Some things are better left unexplained.
Mostly because it would be a COMPLETE waste of time…
…”made by Big Fucking Mistake & Co”
Oh, you are FABULOUS.
I try.
ha haaaa i literally just found this it’s hilarious…im a fifteen-year-old London girl and all the stuff you wrote about is totally true. Not to mention the group-evils when you next pass said faux-friend. I do love to give people dirty looks…aha
check out my blog, its about life as a bitchy teen in the suburbs…its a bunch of crap but a good bunch of crap
SS xxx
Good crap is the best kind. Um… obviously.
Thanks for stopping by, even though it’s probably illegal in Alabama for you to be reading my site.
You’re not in Alabama, are you?
OMG LILU! Once again you are channeling my life! I was just thinking about all of this…love
Haha! Right back at you.
True story. Number two is the most important. Then take it one step further and spread that rumor like wild fire. Facebook works really well for this bc at the speed things can travel there, it is highly unlikely you will be traced back to the origin.
GENIUS.
Thank you for your public service duties for the day. You just made all our lives that much better with some well written gossip advice. Thanks LiLu!
I am a giver.
Oh, so true. Especially the part about making them NOT feel crazy. I just wish it wasn’t all venting ALL the time with some people. Ugh. I am sick of all the drama.
Oh, I agree. This can’t be an every day thing… FAR too draining.
oh i totally agree with these, as long as you agree with your bff and plan to sabotage the offender, all will be right in the world, or at least your friendship.
And that, of course, is all that matters.
ha! so totally true!
<3
So true!!! Unfortunately, I have the crappy self-righteous friends who don’t want to talk badly about anybody. So I’m forced to vent online.
Um.
You totally need new friends.
OHHH LILU, I really hope we get to be BFFs in 3d one day. lol. We’d get along famously.
Of this, I have NO doubt.
I’m a totally AWESOME friend then! And it’s about f*cking time you started following me on twitter, you Twat!
Why weren’t YOU following ME? God, I have to do everything around here!
If the Code of Gossip is all it takes to be a great friend– then I must be the bestest friend a person’s ever had!
You and me both, darlin.
lexa makes an excellent point. which is probs why i heart her (and you) so much.
I miss your face.
I am awesome at being an asshole. I take this to mean I am an awesome friend. GO me!
Exactly. Now pat yourself on the back. But don’t let the asshole part of you put a “Kick Me” sign on there…
If you can’t be an asshole with your bestie, who can you be one with?
Awwwww.
Amen, because friends make the world go round. And gossip is the glue that holds friendship together. If Gossip Girl has taught us anything, that’s it.
God, I love that show. *guilty face*
Well said. My friend Rachel and I have this gossip thing about a person I hate and one that she doesn’t. She lets me vent about the bitch and she keeps it to herself, and I’m actively trying to convert her to the Hate Team. Failed so far, but I’m going to keep trying.
You’re no quitter.
Even though I’m a guy I have a couple of friends whose friendship mostly revolves around Gossip sessions.
I’m sure guys do this to some extent.
My best friend has a google account just so that if anyone ever tries to leave a bad comment on my blog she can comment back a swackload of crazy on them. Now that’s god damned friendship.
Omg. I LOVE her.
I prefer to have those kinds of conversations in a very crowded place. The rolling of the eyes or laughter from the eavesdroppers makes it ten times better!
Plus, everyone’s jealous of all the giggles. AWESOME.
Ah, friendship schmenship…
Sometimes I feel that friendships are totally overrated. I’m reading on many blogs how friends disappoint each other. And same goes for my real life. Seems like people come and go very easily these days. Seems like the codes are a thing from the past. People are more selfish these days, they want to recieve more than give.
I am romantic and I believe that my girlfriend should also be my best friend. And I feel that many of us bloggers find very good friends in the blogosphere. I guess the semi-anonymity gives us some kind of frame to be more frank with each other, an outlet for the frustration with our real time friends. And the code for online friends is soooo different and still in development
My 50c (+ few cents more, hehe)
Your cents are more than welcome here.
And I SO agree about finding friends in the blogosphere… obvy!
In that case, I’m both. Yay.
FTW!
One of the greatest qualities a friend can possess is an ability to take sides. No one wants to be BFF with Switzerland. Switzerland is more of an asshole in cases like these. xo
Switzerland IS an asshole. But they have the chocolate…
Loved this one! I get caught up so much of that myself. I listen and have to share or comment too of course but then I worry that I will be seen as a gossip and then my friends will not trust me. However, I do believe friends know the true secrets and the gossip.
Alcohol is also a dangerous addition to such “venting” sessions – ha!
If by “dangerous” you mean “totally awesome”… then YES.
I’ve tried using these rules with my best friend a few times, but since he’s, well, a he, I usually just get a blank stare. But I know deep down he appreciates the mama bear instincts that cause me to threaten to “clear the schedules” of his ex-girlfriends.
LOVE. IT.
oh. ab. so. fucking. lutely.
never, ever during a rant do you try and be the goddamn voice of reason! HELLLLLL No.
amen sista
You get it.
as a best friend one should always be ready with duct tape and rope (for the offender) and drinky poos (for the poor victim that must muss her makeup for the sake of venting).
There always, ALWAYS must be drinkie poos involved.
Sometimes, in order to be a good friend, you have to be an asshole. It’s part of the rules – as you’ve stated. I mean, you can be a nice person instead, but then have no friends… And really, who needs to be lonely and nice?
Such a great post. I really enjoyed this.
This post help me figure out that it’s not women who scare the living bejezus out of me, it’s women in packs.
But that’s because BFFs are a force to be reckoned with.
Defenestrate is also a good attack word to add to your list… ( I usually direct it at technology, but it is multi-use.)
And I always thought this bumper sticker applied to women more than men, for the very reasons you discuss: “A good friend will come bail you out of jail…a true friend will be sitting there beside you saying, “Dang, that was fun!”
YOU ARE A GODDAMN GOOD FRIEND.!!!!!
Ah, but then when they make up… it’s awkward. And then it’s forever, “oh, but you don’t like Ari.” Not that I know from experience. Hah!
And YOU are who I want in my corner when I cut my hair and have to slink past the office sex kitten to steep in regret in my cubicle!!
Yes. Yes, you do.
You make gossiping sound like drugs =)
Ha. I totally did! Ooops.
I TOTALLY WAS following you…………… I Win! You owe me a prize!