Hey bloggy peops! I hope you’re liking my new digs here on WP as much as I am. Don’t forget, if you still need to subscribe to my new (now working!) feed in your reader, just click this fahn-cee button…
Anyshizzle, it is a lazy (hopefully vewwy, vewwy qui-yet) Friday in the office, so let’s start this party off right with a brand spankin new Shiz My Boyfriend Says!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
First off, you may recall that B and I decided recently to embark on a new, healthier (less alcohol-y) lifestyle. So how’s that going, you might ask? Well…
LiLu: I think I’m going to go get some fiber tomorrow.
B: Whoa, getting hardcore there, huh?
LiLu: It’s supposed to do magical things for your poop!
B: You want magic in your butt?? All you had to do was say so! *Lunges for me*
LiLu: I totally asked for that one.
B: You set me up, and I hit a hoooome run, baby.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Laying in bed, Axe Murderer is standing on his chest purring, when she decidedly turns around, and he is face to ass with her little fuzzy butt.
LiLu: How’s that view working out for ya?
B: It’s uh… it’s a cat asshole. (beat) I really wish it wasn’t.
LiLu: is it winking at you?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple weeks ago we went to a wedding in Bumfuck, Virginia. Though we had a helluva time getting there, when we finally were relaxing the following morning…
LiLu: Baby, where’s the toothbrush?? If I don’t brush my teeth, I”m gonna die… so much red wine. (Yes, we share, what’s it to ya??)
B: Here ya go.
(moments later, B heads into the bathroom)
B: Hope you don’t need to go for a while, baby… I’ll see you in half an hour.
LiLu: Noooooo! I need to go too!
B: Well, you called dibs on the toothbrush… I’m calling dibs on poopin’. I’d say you made a poor choice, my dear.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As I mentioned, getting to said wedding was basically The Roadtrip from Hell. As we were running EXTREMELY late and getting more and more stressed out, B decided to get creative to make the car go faster…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We are speshul people, truly.
Happy weekend, kiddos!
P.S. I have myself a little guest post about my “Signature Style” up over on the wonderful K at Blog Goggles. And yes, it’s JUST as ridiculous as you would think… would you have me any other way?
{ 82 comments }
I always call dibs on poopin’ while at hotels. It must be a guy thing.
I believe it. Gross.
Hahahaa. As long as you believe you are going faster, pump your arms…
I drive an automatic and I feel like I am a better driver/special if I keep my hand on the shifter like it’s a manual car. Because I cannot drive stick shift; aka it’s like my driving fantasy that will never come true.
Haha! I couldn’t see, but I hope he was pumping the fake clutch too.
Sadly, his fake driving is better than my real driving.
Likewise. You’ll notice I was most definitely *not* behind the wheel.
At first I thought you wrote “Hey bloggy poops!” I bet you’re going to use that now, huh?
I need to tell Matt to try what B. did to make his car go faster. I’m about 99.9% sure it’ll work.
I’m pretty sure I have used it before… or maybe “Bloggy Poopersons!” That has a nice ring to it…
I wish my bf would share toothbrushes, seriously, it would save so much more packing room. But he refuses. He also calls the bathroom for poop duty, but I make him actually use a public washroom so the hotel bathroom won’t stink. But he doesn’t really listen to me. So we’re stuck with a stinky room. For a while.
xoxo
I just don’t bring one out of laziness, sadly enough. One of these days neither of us will, and then where will we be? Though maybe I’ll remember to call dibs on poopin’ that time…
A friend of mine swears by the magic of Metamucil. I’m so sharing that conversation with her. She’ll die of laughter!
Ugh, my mom used to try and make my sister and I take that stuff growing up. I’m sure it’s better now, but it was HORRIBLE when it first came out. Whatever happened to Flintstones vitamins??
you two need a sitcom. now. magic in the butt, that is so something j would say, haha
I completely set myself up for that one… can’t even blame the guy.
I’m jealous of magic in the butt. I could really use some of that.
There’s always self-inflicted? But I imagine that just ain’t the same…
I love that first one! It totally sounds like something my husband would say!
Haha- I always love being comforted that we’re not *quite* as strange as I think we are…
I can’t even express how great that is. Thanks for the smiles!
He is a champion, my baby.
The video just made my day. Thanks B. Now I need to make my car go faster.
It is seriously how I was able to get through that road trip without killing something.
gah, nearly all of my exes have called pooping dibs! if i ever dated a guy who didn’t have massive poopisodes after a night of drinking, i wouldn’t know what to do with him.
“POOPISODES”… I love you.
That was a home run comment from B. Like he said….totally asking for it!
I know. I completely accept responsibility for that one.
aw, man.. these always bring me the biggest of laughs on an otherwise dull friday
I am a giver.
I actually do the same thing as Desiree – I keep my hand on the shifter just because, and pretend it makes me go faster. When really it’s just my lead foot that does that.
It’s all the components TOGETHER- they are the magic.
You share a toothbrush?????!!!!
Only on vacas!!!
(This is a lie.)
I’ve never thought sharing a toothbrush with a husband/BF or close relative was a big deal. Glad to see I’m not alone.
I’ve stolen my sister’s when I was home visiting more times than she’d like to know.
Oh, crap… she reads this…
I LOVE the “you called dibs on the toothbrush…you made a poor choice.” Yes!!!!
And Nine Inch Nails should ALWAYS make you drive faster – along with the pretend stick shift!!!
I DID make a poor choice… I won’t be doing it again.
hahahaha, LOVE IT!! you and B are hilarious, happy friday! :O)
Aw, thanks love! And to you as well!!!
I am not gonna lie. After 15 years together, I still cannot fathom using my hub’s toothbrush.
Ironic, I know. Just imagine the assortment of his , um, items I HAVE had in my mouth…..
HA! Exactly… I mean, after all the fluids we’ve exchanged, what’s a little saliva?
Right back atcha.
Haha, loved the video! How did that work out for you?! We have a saying the VW world, add more stickers, get more HP. Of course thats not really true. And you had a rental. SO, I guess thats what I would doo too. ((lol))
Trust me, our little Elantra needed ALL the help it could get.
I am always left with tears in my eyes after reading your blogs and laughing my ass off! Funny shizzle mein!
Guess how often I get tired of hearing that…?
NEVER. Love your face!!!
Woah, new shiz (yes, I’m late – but I blame time zones). I also definitely fight my boyfriend for pooping rights. Why don’t all hotels come with two bathrooms? Helloo.
You gotta do the sneak attack, and pretend like you’re just going in for a whiz… then GAH BAMMM!!! So sorry… didn’t know it was coming, I swear…
P.S. Are you going cold turkey no alcohol? Or still having some? How’s that going? For real – I’m genuinely curious.
Oh, still some- definitely on weekends. Mostly just trying to chill out during the week. Honestly, it’s the empty calories I’m worried about more than anything. Mama needs to drop a couple LBs, yanno?
As always Lilu, thanks for the entertainment!
And thank YOU for stopping by. xoxo
Tell the boyfriend it only works if he makes racecar noises with it.
Totally noted for next time… VROOM VROOM!
You two are so ridiculous cute and perfect. Just reading your blog makes me smile.
Just hearing you say that makes ME smile. Have a great weekend, love!
~ it’s amazing how proud cats are of their butts
~ that might make the car go a little bit faster. Turning up the radio while NIN is on makes it go faster. Chrome on the engine makes it go faster (cause it’s shiny and the air resistance just slides right off). And being red makes a car go way faster. And being a Masshole always makes a car go faster.
~ tell B congrats on the raise!
If only B had been a Masshole, we probably would have made it on time… and thanks!
OOOH lookit you being all fancy with your wordpress and such.
Also, Shiz My Boyfriend Says is possibly my favorite thing like, ever. Especially/including that video.
Fancy schmancy is my middle name, now. What what??
And glad to hear it
You guys are great. Speaking of fiber, I think SassyGinger did what amounted to a Benefiber ad a few TMI Thursdays ago. I may or may not have heeded her advice (Hint: I did).
Have a beeee-YOO-tiful Friday, dahling!
I had planned on it… I probably should…
You too, babe!
Once you’ve driven a standard, it is really tough to NOT reach for the gear shift to try and fix your speed…. even when you know there is no gear shift.
I’m not sure that’s *exactly* what’s going on here… but hey, we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.
oh i have so fought my b for the bathroom and it was not pretty (i am not a congenial individual when i have to poo).
When I have to poo, when I’m hungry, when I’m tired… the list goes on and on…
OMG! I was directed here thanks to Blog Goggles… and I am laughing so hard reading your posts! Wonderful blog- love it!
Yay, so glad! Allow me to extend an awkwardly warm welcome.
i can finally get in here! woo!
ha, i like the b-driving-video. i spy a dunkie’s iced coffee?
happy weekend, lovah!
FINALLY! Woot!
And YES, I should’ve known a Masshole would spot that Dunkie’s a mile away…
HOLY COW!!! I just read your signature style on Blog Goggles and decided to check out your blog. Wow! K was absolutely right you are wet my pants funny.
Aww, I’m so glad! I’ll be over to you in a jiff
From cake farts to cat farts. I’m still so sad that I know about cake farts…
Just because I KNOW some (very unfortunate) people will be curious… Cake Farts.
Do NOT blame me if you click!!!
Favorite bit of dialogue in the clip…
“That makes us get there faster?”
“Obviously.”
I know. I’m such an idiot for questioning…
At least he didn’t swallow the kitty fart! I will never forget that post. Poor B got pulled into your healthier lifestyle. Kinda of like my husband will when I become a vegetarian…hahhahha (evil laugh)
I will never forget that post either…
I’m so happy I found out about your blog through Karen’s! You are hilarious, I’ll keep coming back!!
That’s what I like to hear!!! Thanks for stopping by!
ALWAYS call dibs on pooping! If experience has taught me anything it’s that you don’t want to go in there after THEY have.
TRUTH. Lesson learned…
I love your “the shiz” posts!
…Because you relate?
I like the new design! LOL at last story! What is it with men and spending hours on the can? Poop-wipe-wash hands. It shouldn’t take that long!
Eh. I can’t really play the blame game… I take my time too. But not AFTER he does!!!
Hilarious is right, this could be a book…. seriously. I’d buy. :^)
If only! You’re too sweet
Hahhaaa you guys are meant for each other. Anything coming out of the butt is regular hilarious conversation for me and my husband too.
We also just started a “let’s try not to drink at least a couple nights out of the week” plan to get ourselves together. If you want some companionship from a girl who loves to party but cares somewhat about health too, check out our blog: http://www.rawfoodrealpeople.blogspot.com
Right now I’m eating a banana raisin flax cracker in attempt to clean myself out from all the white castle I ate last night. =)
Banana raisin FLAX? You are hardcore, woman…
Video, signature style, I AM SO EXCITED I WOKE UP TODAY.
Sending you titty grabs and hair pullin from Cali…have a fun alcohol infested weekend lover lips.
Now you’ve got me all feisty and I still have two hours at work… HOOKER!!! xo
Meet me: a moron. All day I’ve been refreshing my reader, like: where is she? What’s going on? That makes me twice the fool, or at least a lazy fool, for reading that I should change the feed every. single. day. this. week. and not changing it… and then not just typing in the URL until like 330.
Just glad you finally found me, movin’ buddy. It’s a worse place without ya here.
go get that fiber, girl! your ass will thank you!
Gives a new meaning to the phrase “talking out of your ass”… or at least a new visual….
My tried and true solution for making a car go faster: rubbing the dashboard and encouraging the guinea pigs/hamsters/other small rodents that power it to “RUN FASTER! YOU CAN DO IT! I believe in you!”
This may be why no one ever asks me to drive.
Happy weekend!
Bullshit. I would pay you money to drive me around like that.
“Putting magic in your butt” is EXACTLY why my penis is named ‘David Copperfield.’
Now..if only Claudia Schiffer would return his calls….
Weird… she does seem kinda vanilla, though. I’m sure she just can’t handle your magic stick. HEYO
I do this to my boyfriend all the time. I write myself notes of our conversations because it’s absolutely crazy inside of man’s mind.
They really are priceless, aren’t they?
oh god y’all always crack me up. and re: cat assholes, while searching the internet for Who knows what i stumbled across wacky tatoos, many of which were cats tattooed around men’s belly buttons so their navel looked like the asshole. it was disturbing yet amusing. you are welcome
sigh, here is the link, now you are welcome http://www.checkoutmyink.com/assets/photos/0032/9678/cat_ass_navel_tattoo.ashx_large.jpeg
I am scared to click… but you know I will… evil temptress! GAHHHHH!!!
Your blog is flippin hilarious!
liliesandgrapes.blogspot.com
You, my dear, just became my new favorite.
Does B have an older brother?
Sister… if you swing that way…
Ha..I love this post! I share toothbrushes too! It’s so nice when you travel…one less thing to carry around! Plus, you exchange saliva…so why be so grossed out??
I’m a new follower and you’re pretty freaking funny, girl!
Aww, thanks love! Always so good to hear. Thanks for making my day
haha love your conversations always too funny.
They sure keep ME entertained.
That first one about fiber totally made me choke on my food, hilarious! lol
As far as sharing the toothbrush, I rather share my partner. Oops, maybe i did already. So uhm, yeah toothbrush, no. Jjust like food, gummy bears and payday, it’s only for me, myself and I.
Calling shutgun on the crapper comes with a matter of pride as well as precious allocated time to keep the ceramic lounge warm, which is a ritual that should not be disturbed by OTHERS wanting to go in and brush their chompers.
Said ritual includes the pervading essence of the one who just crapped and leaves the ghost thurd lingering for a good 30 minutes.
It must be respected. : )
*Ball sweat out. < -- my new nickname
Duly noted…
No joke it’s a high stakes race for me to beat the hubs to the bathroom before he drops one.
I just won a BIG battle five minutes ago. Thanks, morning coffee…
I make my honeybunny use the guest bathroom. Wish you had one of those…
Oh, so do I…
We have three bathrooms. Three glorious bathrooms.
B is pretty special.
THREE?? That’s just greedy…
That’s disturbingly amusing especially the home run. And I don’t see anything wrong with sharing a toothbrush if you’re already kissing
That’s what I’m saying! The guy’s junk has been in my mouth, and I’m gonna get squeamish about a little saliva? I don’t think so.
The poop, the boogers, the warpaint…I can handle. Not the shared toothbrush though!
I guess that is a level of love I’ve not reached yet.
So weird. I just don’t get it.
I love that you named that adorable little kitten “axe murderer”
You’d understand if you met her. She was named aptly.
LOL dibs on poopin.
Hey girl sorry I’ve been a way for a few days, I forgot about your move and, well, and, you missed me right? I still don’t understand why cats are programmed to stick their butts in human faces.
PRICELESS!!
That video is HILARIOUS!!!
I have to talk about poop more often. Apparently it’s fun! You sound WAY more cheerful about your move to WP than I was.
awwww you guys are toooo cute!! and i can’t believe you share a toothbrush!! wow, THAT’S love! haha that is the one thing that my ex felt really grossed out about. but we could share the bathroom when he pooped and vice versa all the time. and NIN is rad.
I suppose, if I had a boyfriend, he’d say funny things too.
As it stands I simply hav ea subscription to The Onion.
…But at least True Blood is on.
You always crack me up–I don’t think my husband says anything blogable very often, or maybe I’m just not paying enough attention.
lololol!!! i love u guys!! u and ur guy are hilarious
I’m still trying to use Google Earth to figure out if there really is a B.F. Egypt…
I wish the cat’s asshole comment had been combined with the toothbrush comment.
Those possibilities are endless. And make me have bad dreams.
Heh. Dibs on poopin.:)
Hysterical! The “magic in your butt” cracked me up!
I love these posts!
I had the volume muted and when I first started watching the video I thought it was an instruction video on how to jerk off while driving.
My bad.
Us boyfriends can be quite funny.
this is me catching up – call me a slack tack a dacker
I am so in love with reading your blog
You are my addiction
I so totally mean that in a now stalker ghey way
Can someone die from laughing so hard before 9:a.m.??? Ohmyfickingod!
{ 1 trackback }